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Outside there was music. The sun was shining brightly and though there were tiny pockets of the nasty white stuff around, Fredcat sallied forth to investigate the source of the music. It transpired that the workmen building the new house up the road had returned from their winter's break and were continuing the installation of the interior fittings. It was they who had their radios on. Musical cat Large image Now many people like to have a little background music while they work. Indeed in England, the land of Fredcat's birth, they used to have a radio programme called Music While you Work. Fredcat guessed that it was supposed to keep the workers happy in the workplace, especially if their tasks were monotonous and dull. Nowadays, with piped music everywhere, and with the introduction of Walkmen-style radios and the like, almost everyone can have access to some form of music - playing whichever style you fancied. Fredcat didn't have one of those machines and felt a littltle left out. His best human friend, Cathie, was an avid music fan and had music playing all over the house. She would even sing along - if nobody was listening. Music poured from the radios, the TVs and from the loudspeakers of her computers. She and Fredcat often sang a duet, though it must be admittted it was difficult to hear the Fredcat warbles as they tended to be swamped by the melodious, yet quite loud human's voice. "I think I would like a music source of my own," said Fredcat. "I see that a nearby house has windchimes that play tinkly music of sorts whenever the wind blows. Would it not be possible to fix one of these to our house so that I could listen to wind music whenever I go outside?" "I am not sure that that is a good idea," said Cathie. "Cats rely on their acute hearing to both track their prey and to be aware of the presence of their enemies. For example you have, in the past, managed to bring home a succession of mice which you have caught, and this abilty would be lost if you were distracted by noises off, such as wind chimes." "I suppose that is why Mr. B. never has music on during the day when you are out, he does not want to be distracted from sleeping!," Fredcat summised. "Is that so," said Cathie grimly, "I think we will have to discuss this with him," and she stalked off, leaving Fredcat feeling smug. Another one in the eye for Mr. B., he thought happily, and trotted off to have a little feed followed by a bit of a sleep, which he knew would be uninterrupted. A nice life, this. 
Today everything was looking bright. The sun was shining, the snow was fast melting and even the glassy icy bits were disappearing. When Fredcat's "butler" opened the front door at an unreasonably early hour of the morning, Fredcat was initially suspicious. Was this really the world as it used to be - with grass, shrubs, and the like? New home for Fredcat Large image The air was cold and the Fredcat fur needed to acclimatise itself before the Frecat body was ready to venture forth. This process took quite a while and Mr. B. was becoming impatient. Fredcat decided that he would not pop outside right away and, declining Mr. B.'s efforts to gently persuade him to take a walk, thought that he would wait a while. He sat down in the open doorway and looked at the outer world. By this time Mr. B. was not only impatient but frozen to the marrow (well, nearly). Later after tempers had cooled, Fredcat went upstairs to re-examine the latest set of parcels for Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. Fredcat had excitedly participated in the general unpacking and had demanded that several photographs be taken of him being fully involved in this process. (Doubtless these will be released to ther general public later!) Once emptied the boxes were destined to be surplus to requirements, but Fredcat had thought of a use for them. "Why not build me a house of my own," he asked Catie. "A lot of we slightly smaller folk have structures like that, " he went on. "They are called Wendy houses, though why I don't know." To prove his dexterity, he jumped into and out of all the boxes in turn, and spent much of the day sleeping and circumnavigating the boxes until the watching humans became quite dizzy. "Why do you particularly want us to build you a Wendy house out of these boxes," demanded Cathie, "although they are quite large they are nowhere near as substantial as a proper house. A spot of rain and they would all disintegrate into a brown mess." "But Wendy houses are not that much better," said Freedcat, and they usually only have one room. I want a proper interior suite of rooms of my own so I may move freely from one area to another." "You have that already in the main Fredcat household," declared Cathie, "and if you think I am going to indulge your fantasies you have another think coming!." "But I am an IT consultant," wailed Fredcat, "I need my own own space to give the illusion that I am very important, if nothing else." This didn't go down particlarly well with Cathie, who said," I assume you will be paying us rent?" Fredcat thought for a while and decided that living rent-free in the main Fredcat household had its advantages after all, and gave in quietly. Not a bad idea. 
Surprisingly, the weather hadn't improved all that much and Fredcat was still housebound. The humans had tested the surface of the driveway yesterday and since nobody had ventured outside to clear it of the white stuff, it was still a solid sheet of ice. "I think," said a worried Fredcat, "that it is high time we did something about this." The we, in question, obviously referred to his bete noire, the grumpy Mr. B. Where's my milk? Large image Mr. B. was reading the latest novel by Tom Clancy (who needs no further introduction), and he was, as they say, just getting to the interesting bit and had no desire to wander outside, shovel in hand, to dig holes in ice floes. Mr. B. explained to Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, that the snow was just beginning to melt and it would not, therefore, need manual labour to clear the driveway, when in a few hours all the roads would be as clear as a whistle. Fredcat looked at Cathie, and said just the one word, "Milk". Cathie looked at Mr. B. and said just the one word, "Tea". She added, using soccer parlance, "I think that in this game, the final score is two - nil." There was nothing for it but to hack away at the ice floe. Fredcat watched this activity carefully from the safety of just inside the front door. (He had been caught out more than once, when he had just popped out to the top of the steps for a stretch and to perform a spot of personal grooming and found the door firmly closed behind him. He considered that a little below the belt.) At last it was done. Mr. B's car crept off and later returned with the life-saving milk and other goodies. Frddcat was ready with his report. "The international news was on," he said, "and there is bad weather all round. Apparently, in England, the land of my birth, there is quite a lot of inclement weather, and people are getting caught up in all sorts of trouble with snow and ice. He added that he had just learned a new expression, namely, When America sneezes, the United Kingdom catches a cold. "Is this what has happened there in England?," he said. "I don't think the expression was meant to be taken literally," said Cathie, "but, anyway, to make it up to Mr. B., I have made him a pot of tea and a surprise slice of chocolate cake, which I know he likes." "And what about me?" said Frecat, never one to miss out on anything. "If I hadn't persuaded Mr. B. to go and get the milk for me then you wouldn't have thought of getting him off to the stores for provisions." "You are correct, as usual," said Cathie, approvingly. "As a special treat you may have a double dose of cream, and then we will have a chat about the weather, which is what all We English people do, either to start a conversation or to just kill time." "O.K.," said Fredcat, "I can go along with that." Fredcat always knew on which side his bread was buttered although this time the bread was milk and the buttering was being done by himself. He wandered off, vowing as he went that he definitely would go outside tomorrow ... 
Looking at the ice outside was OK, but after a while Frecdat was begining to get bored. After all - ice didn't do anything. In fact, all cats (and Fredcat was no exception) liked routine. They needed to roam outside and mark and re-mark their territory to claim it as their own - and, in passing, to warn off other cats. Fredcat liked to do this at least daily and his enforced jailing within the house was irksome. Mouse catcher cat Large image He thought back to the halycyon days of his youth, when he had been taught to catch and dispatch his prey. It never seemed to rain or snow in those days! He particularly remembered his training to catch mice and was determined to teach his best human friend, Cathie, all the tricks of the mouse-catching trade - as you do! She did not appear to do very well in this role but Fredcat liked her so much that it was only courtesy to teach her - as if she were his own little kitten, as it were. The trouble was that Cathie was not too keen on this mice-catching instructional stuff, nor of the reversal of roles - and whenever a mouse appeared she leapt around in a dire panic, calling on the grumpy Mr. B. to "do something." Fredcat was extemely embarrassed, and a bit peeved, by this behaviour. It was sure as mice have thin tails, that Cathie had not mastered the skills of catching those little darting peanut-butter-eating creatures, and Cathie was not inclined to accept the subservient role of pupil kitten. This posed a problem for the humans as well as Fredcat. What Fredcat wanted was lots of praise, and stroking (both verbal and physical). What Cathie wanted was for it - the mouse - to get out of her life or at least her kitchen before she screamed herself hoarse. Mr. B., instead of praising Caesar, quickly and permanently separated mouse from cat and left Fredcat looking bemused, as his carefully caught prey vanished ( Watership Down style) upwards. "Listen, Bright Eyes," said Mr. B. menacingly, "anymore of this and I will forget that I am an (almost) human and turn you into an almost cat." Wrong thing to say. Cathie turned from a screaming wreck into a ferociously indignant female. "Don't talk to my little cat like that," she scolded. "He is far too famous to have folk shout at him over nothing," (thereby completely failing to see the connection between her most recent behaviour and her current love and care for Fredcat!) Fredcat didn't mind, he now knew that he was in for a goodly dollop of something nice. This usually happened whenever there was dissent between the humans of his household. The famous Fredcat was always a winner whatever the outcome. As it should he, purred, contentedly... 
The world outside was still white. The snow had not vanished and Fredcat was cold (and more than a little fed up). He therefore immediately busied himself by repeatedly grooming his coat to get his fur into the best shape possible. Fredcat is a smart cat and knows that this is needed to ensure that overall, his coat performs most efficiently its functions of both keeping him warm and keeping out the cold. Neverthless when "the butler" obligingly opened the front door, Fredcat baulked at actually stepping outside. Brrr!. IT consultant cat Large image Perhaps later, he thought. He strolled through the garage and peered outside through his cat door but saw much the same thing at the side of the house as he saw outside the front of the house. Humans were outside, aparently enjoying the cold (!), using sleds to whizz up and down the nearby hill. The driveway was icy with only a half inch of whitish covering but a few steps proved that it was extremely glassy and unforgiving. Definitely a time to stay inside. Fredcat went into the study to check on the activities of those inside. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was busily setting up a new computer. This entailed all sorts of tranferring of folders, files and Fredcat photographs from the old computer to the new computer. As it happened, Fredcat was by now no stranger to the innards of computers. He had grown up with them and frequently slept with his head on the keyboard as a kind of pillow, especially when the desk lamp was lit. Its powerful yet focussed light was the equivalent to a human's sunlamp and he would stretch himself and soak up the additional warmth whilst he slept... There seemed to be a bit of a problem with the new machine, however, and the humans were becoming decidely agitated. There were so many wires connecting this piece of equipment with that piece of equipment that the jumble of wires had become completey muddled. Terms like serial, parallel, 25 pin connctions and the like, were being readily bandied about. Fredcat decided that if he were to receive some attention he would have to sort out this mess. He therefore, carefully pulled out the most important wire with his teeth and handed it to Cathie. To her amazement it was just the one she was looking for. What a cat! The explanation was simple. Fredcat told Cathie that he had now seen so many PCs on her desk with a huge variety of devices hooked into her netwok, that he had become highly knowledgable - indeed he was considering becoming an IT consultant on a part time basis. It was only the high cost of insurance and the need to visit other people's homes and businnesses that prevented him fron taking up this line of work. But the over-riding reason why he did not join the ranks of the IT fraternity was the difficulty of finding regular work. He explained that with so many firms now downsizing, he would not want to be dragged into the competitive nature inherent in consulting. He was far too famous to be degraded into that behaviour. On reflection, he thought that staying with his Cathie would be more interesting; after all, he could still carry out IT work by helping her whenever she got into dificulties. Meanwhile, he was pleased to be the recipient of some cold turkey chunks as his reward for helping out in her moment of stress. Lucky cat... 
Fredcat awoke from his nap to discover that it was snowing - again! He could hardly believe it. Didn't it snow just a few days ago? Had it not cleared up? Was it not now time for spring? PLEASE!! A quick peek outside the front door, coupled with a few tentative steps in the snow, confirmed the famous one's worst suspicions, and he scurried back inside. There had to be more to life than this, he thought. That's enough snow! Large image Inside it was warm and snug and his best human friend, Cathie, was reading the news. There was bad weather forecast in the land of his birth (England), so Fredcat did not feel that bad. The weather in North Carolina was forecast to get worse - with freezing rain and an ice freeze as the night temperatures dropped. Actually, this was good news for Cathie since she had just been informed that her place of work was going to be closed tomorrow because of the inclement weather. Fredcat had mixed feelings about this closure. On Mondays, when Cathie was usually safely at work, he was able to rule the roost. Mr. B. (for all of his bluster and general grumpiness) was quite easy to deal with. Just keep out of his way until it was time for him to make his morning cup of tea, then a quick appearance direct from the Fredcat sleeping quarters, coupled with a couple of plaintive mews - and, lo and behold, a dish of new meat was supplied. This was a simple arrangement - stay out of my way, cat, and you can have food stuff later. Cathie, on the other hand, was made of sterner stuff. She may adore the sweetie (to bits!!) but she was also tough on both Fredcat crime and tough on the sources of Fredcat crime (i.e. Fredcat!). (Apparently she got that motto from listening to some UK political broadcast sometime or other.) If Fredcat were to so much as suggest an extra dollop of grub, then he would get short shrift from "his best and only mum". Cathie's being at home all day would mean that Fredcat would get plenty of cuddles and back scratchings - which was well worth it. However, Fredcat was apprehensive of Mr. B.'s ulterior motives, and tended to avoid that human's hands getting anywhere near his throat. Better to be wise before the event, he thought. Fredcat's meteorological perusals led to his considering the fact that there were more car accidents happening in the current cold and snowy weather. One of Fredcat's good friends, the Mistole, had unfortunately skidded on an icy patch in her car, and said "vee-hickle" had slipped into one of those gulleys just off the side of the road. The Mistole emerged unhurt, but shaken, and wouldn't be fit for work the next day - even if the weather had allowed it. As it happens Fredcat was not a keen advocate of car trips anyway. They always seemed to end in misery for him. A simple five minute drive, ending at the v*t office, inevitably meant a lot of prodding all over, much pain and a load of pills (all of which he hated). Nontheless, Fredcat knew that the motor car was an essential element to human life in the US, and he was always on hand to help unload the weekly shopping from the car (or, if not to help unload, at least to direct its unloading). Let's be quite clear about this, Fredcat is nothing but a pragmatic puss. 
One of Fredcat's friends, Ginger, was considering taking a job. An opening had occurred and she had sought Fredcat's advice. Now, as a seasoned traveller, Fredcat knew a thing or two about the dangers of air travel but knew nothing about sea trips. "I think you have better check up on the job offer on the internet, my friend, " he said at last,"there are all sorts of facts there you could examine." Ginger? Fredcat? Hmmmmm ... Large image Apparently, the opportunity position is to be the sea cat aboard the brand new ship, the Queen Mary II. Even though nowadays ships are much cleaner than of yore, there is still a need to maintain a critter control policy - and this where the ship's cat comes in. The new liner is a magnifcent ship, one of the longest ever built - and taller too. "This job appears to be a very good one," said Fredecat, approvingly, "how did you get to hear about it, and did you have to supply a resume?" "I heard about it via the catnet," said his friend, "and I had to supply details of my experience in catching and dealing with all sorts of sea-going creatures." "I don't think we need to go too deeply into that," said Fredcat. "It all appears excellent, and if you accept the post then I purrsonally think you will have a fine old time. Indeed, if it all works out, let me know and I may be persuaded to take a sea trip on the Queen Mary II myself!" Then Fredcat thought on. "What about insurance," said he, "if you are going to go sailing around the world, won't you have to take out some form of insurance?" ("Indeed", humorously interjected Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "these seagoing critters can be a danger to you and, despite your considerable skills, it may not all be plain sailing.") This pun produced such a glare from both cats that she quickly withdrew. "I know what you mean about insurance," said Ginger, "I have been plagued with offers to insure my life, my families' lives, my cat home, sleeping quarters, my food packets and even my water bowl! Where does all this requirement to insure oneself end? I think I will just have to take my chances, I still have several of my lives left." Fredcat smiled, said his farewells to Ginger, and went back to chat with Cathie. "I am ready to finish dictating my latest exciting new "tails" story," he said "we need to finish that mystery adventure so that it can be published tomorrow. My readers are waiting!!! I am now going to check on the costs of a sea trip, I think I fancy somewhere warm this spring, so I'll take the brochures to study in bed." Of course, they soon put him to sleep, as you might have expected, but Fredcat didn't mind. He was soon dreaming of a life on the ocean wave himself where his famousness was acknowledged by all seafaring folk. Such a sweet life for Fredcat. 
Fredcat woke up from a long sleep to find that Mr. B. was snoring away in the armchair. This was a new departure. Fredcat knew that he himself needed lots of sleeping to keep his batteries fully charged, but the lazy Mr. B. did not appear to exercise enough to need that additional shut-eye time. It was usually Fredcat's delight to tease this sleepy human awake at unearthly hours of the morning, but once awake he stayed alert until the normal human bedtime in the evening. Perhaps he is getting old! - and past it. Snoring? Not I! Large image He vowed to ask his best human friend, Cathie, if this was the case, and if so, whether this ageing business affected everyone and all creatures. Cathie was horrified. "Sometimes," she said, diplomatically, "humans need a bit of catch-up sleep, and sometimes this tiredness catches them unawares. One minute your'e bright and cheerful, then, a bit of a yawn, the TV is blathering away monotonously, and the next thing - Blam! - you find yourself away in the Land of Nod. I don't know whether it has anything to do with ageing - after all, you are permanently five years old." "How true," agreed Fredcat. "I don't seem to have that problem," said Fredcat puzzled. "I just feel the need to have a sleep, and my only problem is choosing exactly where to pass a few hours a-sleeping. It appears that I dream a lot - and they are very interesting dreams! Mostly they are about my abilty to catch and play with mice, as well as the feeling of pride at being so famous!" "Well, now," said Cathie, "I think you need to learn a thing or two about yourself. First of all, when you are sleeping, I have noticed a tendency for you to emit little snoring noises. When I first heard them I was surprised because I assumed that it was one of us humans, but no, it came from my marvellous little moggie." Now this was indeed news to Fredcat, as he had never considered himself to be a snoring cat. How embarrassing! "Just a minute," he cried, "how do I know I snore? You could," and here he coughed ever so gently, "be making it up." "Afraid not, my little sentient being," Cathie said gently, "like a lot of creatures you do actually snore, even if it is a gentle snore." "Well, if we all do it," said Fredcat, "then perhaps it isn't so bad." He trotted off to think about it. "By the way," he said, "I have decided to write another of my Fredcat "tails", so you had better be ready to take my dictation." "Okey dokey, and when do you want to put this on your website?" enquired Cathie. "I think the weekend," said the famous one, "I would like it to be made available to the whole world on Saturday morning, then I will take a day off from my musings, and return to it, refreshed, on Monday." And with that, he strolled down the corridor to find one of his favourite sleeping places, and was soon fast asleep himself - and indeed, snoring! But only very, very gently. 
Fredcat was asking about the timetable for electing a new President. He told his best human friend, Cathie, that he vaguely remembers, when he first emigrated to North Carolina, how the Presidential election was in full swing, with the result unknown until November or December 2000 (his memory lets him down somewhat at this point). He does recall a lot of fuss and bother (about the actual vote casting) before a President was actually elected. Presidential cat Large image It now seems to him that the whole process is starting again. If the Presidential election is not due until November 2004, then Fredcat can look forward to a whole year of electioneering! He thought that most people would be fed up with politics by the end of a year. Anyway, the first such event of the year took place on Tuesday evening when the Iowa caucuses took place. Fredcat learned that the caucuses are a unique way of electing delegates. What was interesting to Fredcat, however, was the surprise result whereby one of the candidates (who was born in South Carolina, and who now lives in North Carolina), emerged as a front runner. In one of those major upsets which the media love to report, John Edwards, the North Carolina senator, had done very well to finish second, coming in from the proverbial "nowhere" to gain national attention. First the Superbowl final for the Carolina Panthers, and now a leading Presidential candidate from the area. Good publicity for around here, no?, thought the famous one. This led to Fredcat thinking about cat elections. Would there ever be such a thing? Could all the cats in the country elect a leader? And, if so, how would it all operate? Fredcat wouldn't deign to compete, being so famously famous, and certainly would not dream of entering any silly race to be a candidate. He would simply state that as President-in-waiting, he was already above such things. After all there are plenty of dictators around the world, and having a cat dictator would be no different. He would, however, be a benevolent dictator - if one had to use that term. No offerings would have to be brought, and there would be no courts to argue cases. "I suppose when it comes down to it, that I would let things carry on much as always", he mused. Feline elections could be held, if cats could be bothered to turn up to vote (most would be far too bored to seek votes, or to go "on the stump"). Even more cats wouldn't attend the political meetings. Hmmm - not too different from human elections! Fredcat thought wryly, as he prepared to go to sleep. 
Fredcat has now forgiven and (almost) forgotten the debacle of the missing diary entry. He was very pleased to note the addition to his website of the new Fredcat Facts link (except that he did take exception to the term "Moggy", reckoning that it made him seem like some latter day "Mugger"). Basking in reflected glory Large image It was a good thing he took this view, as he didn't get full attention from his human friends over the weekend. His best human friend, Cathie, was puzzling dutifully over some issues relating to her place of work and, in addition, it rained a lot which meant that Fredcat couldn't wander out so freely. It was all so frustrating! Even Mr. B. spent a lot of time slumped in an armchair, drinking some noxious brew and watching two lengthy American football games on TV. Fredcat thought that it hadn't taken very long for that grumpy soul to become hooked on that sport, doubtless joining a large number of American males in that pursuit. Fredcat noticed that even though the games were, in effect, only semi-finals on the long quest to the Superbowl match, each winning team still received a (Championship) cup. The team from Frecat's home state, (North) Carolina, actually won one of these semi-final games, so Fredcat was now proudly stalking the corridors of his residence in a wave of reflected glory. He mentioned to Cathie that the full name of the local state team, as he understood it, was the Carolina Panthers. He told her that panthers were really overgrown, and overfed, cats who had no sophistication, and who had never mastered the art of owning a human family, probably preferring to eat them if given the chance... It was only when another human friend, Jane, came over for a chat that Freedcat gained some of the love and attention that was rightfully his. Jane had such long fingernails, and she didn't stint on the stroking. Life could be good after all.... 
We had some bad news to report to Fredcat, and the reporting had to be approached with some delicacy. But who should inform the majestic moggie? It was a toss-up between Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, and Mr. B. as to who should (cautiously) approach the fantastic feline. Mr. B. won the toss, so Cathie became the designated scapegoat for bad news reporting. Mr. B. sighed with relief - he was not looking forward to the next few minutes or even hours .... Back me up, please! Large image Cathie was "elected" because of her previous good relationship with her feline friend. "Er," she began, "I am afraid that there has been a litle glitch in the Fredcat diary department." "Pray tell," said Fredcat, suspiciously, "Just what sort of a glitch, exactly?" "Well," continued Cathie, "It appears as if we have managed to lose one of your diary entries." Although she said "we", by the shaking and nodding of her head she managed to convey that it was nothing to do with her and was, in fact, totally the fault of the moody Mr. B. What a sneaky lady!, thought Mr. B. The explosion was immediate, and sustained. "What!," Fredcat expostulated. "Which diary entry was that?" "The most recent entry about the squirrels," she reported, shifting uneasily from foot to foot. "You know, the one where the squirrel man came and removed the squirrel traps as there were no more squirrels caught. The one where you were worried about the squirrel family all hitch hiking their way back to the Fredcat residence." She looked balefully at Mr. B. who was busying himself a fair distance away. "What is the point of my dictating all my important diary stuff, if you lose it? And do not save it onto a backup disc," he stormed. "Don't you know the simplest thing about computers?" On and on he raged - it seemed that he would never stop. "What about the rest of my website," he demanded, changing tack, "Is that all gone as well?" he added sarcastically. Humans who have never seen the fearsome feline in a temper would have been quite shocked at this uncharacteristic outburst. He stomped up and down, refusing all offers of his favourite food, banging his water dish and eventually upending it. "No, no, everything else is safe and sound," promised Cathie, "Have a look for yourself." And Fredcat did, checking that the only error was the loss of a single diary entry. "Well, I suppose that the loss of the squirrel entry isn't so disastrous," he continued, his ire beginninmg to decrease. "We are trying to make up for it by creating a Fredcat Facts page which we hope you will like," said Cathie helpfully, "You can see it yourself, if you click onto the facts link on the right hand side of your website," she added. "OK," said the cat master, "But in future, keep backups of all my mutterings - and don't leave it until the next day, because by then it will be too late!!!" He looked over at Mr. B., and thought he saw a tiny gleam of triumph in that human's eye. "I am sure Mr. B. arranged this deliberately, he thought, but there will be plenty of time to get my own back. Mr. B. likes his sleep, so tomorrow he will have a 5am start, instead of 5.30am, and then I will carefully shave a few minutes off that wake up time each day, until I get it down to 4am. That will serve him right!" What a cunning cat! Revenge is sweet. 
Now that the squirrel problem had been resolved, the Fredcat household turned its attention to a much more serious issue, for through the mail box had come a letter from the family's Certified Public Accountant, or CPA for short. For emigrants to the US who perforce haven't a clue about tax matters, the need for a CPA appears paramount. Tex-deductible cat? Large image In the UK, one may occasionally find it difficult to understand the income tax system at times but, in the US, it is almost impossible to cope with the US equivalent without help. A vast range of items of expense are deemed tax deductible ("deductible" for short), and the Fredcat household along with millions of others are just starting to pore over all the invoices and payment stubs they accrued over the last twelve months to see whether they can benefit from tax "deductibles". Fredcat knew that there would be a-mutterin and a-cussin for several weeks until this was all sorted out. He also knew that he would be given less attention than normal, as his best human friend, Cathie, sought help from her sister-in-law, Jane, before the former was fully convinced that she had collected all the right documents and laid claim to all the right deductibles. ("I think she meant 'tax dodges'," thought Fredcat, wryly.) "Why do you have to pay two different lots of taxes to both the Federal people and the State people, instead of one combined tax?" he asked. "Well, you little sentient being," Cathie replied, "the Federal government needs to buy lots of big things like space vehicles to Mars, or even to establish a space station on the moon. The State people do not. So, it makes sense for Federal and State taxes to be separated out, you see. This idea has been very successful over the last few days as the space visit to Mars is proving very interesting with the little rover vehicle beginning to do its exploratory work. Apparently, they are looking for water, or at least signs of water." "A rover sounds very much sounds like a d*g vehicle," muttered Fredcat. "I'm not sure I approve of d*gs on Mars, puts my nose right out of joint, it does. Why, oh why, didn't they take water with them," continued Fredcat with energy. "If I had gone, I would have taken some water with me." And with that, he trotted off to partake of some nice ice-freshened water, provided with loving care by Cathie. Lucky cat! 
As he looked up at the stars this evening, Fredcat realised that he didn't know enough about the world about him. Sure, he knew about different countries - had he not done his bit for trans-Atlantic travel? He had also marvelled at the differing pictures of the earth's moon during the recent lunar eclipse. But times were still a-changin', all around, and he, Fredcat, needed to keep abreast of what was going on. Wishing for Mars cat Large image Fredcat had listened in to yesterday's Presidental broadcast about plans for space travel. (He was still a little unsure whether the President was his President, or whether he should still retain loyalty to the Crown.) It seemed that one day, in the not too distant future, somebody was going to travel to Mars in a spaceship! At this, Fredcat perked his little ears up. He was still annoyed that when naming the recent Mars explorer vessel, the British scientists (his British scientists, no less!) had chosen to call the vessel "Beagle 2". He considered that if ever a spacecraft was going to fail, then associating it with a d*g was tantamount to writing the word "Failure" all over it - or even "Failure 2". Sometimes Fredcat can get quite testy. Have you noticed? "Why cannot they simply continue to send machines to Mars, like they have always done?" asked a listener on a radio programme to which Fredcat was listening. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was quick to jump in here. "Well, you remember the trouble I had a couple of days ago with my laptop?" she began, "That problem was easily fixed by a real live human. It took some figuring out what the trouble was in the first place, and then it took a human to come up with an inventive solution to get the laptop to work and "make it so", as the folks on Star Trek would say." "Now think what it would be like if there were no humans on Mars and something went wrong with one of the machines which had been sent there," she added. But that didn't faze our mighty mouser for long. "Don't you realise that the whole world is run by cats," he sighed. "You know that there are now more cats in the US than d*gs, and we all know that cats are far smarter than d*gs - and much smaller too. They therefore take up less space and need fewer calories to exist. All these are strong factors for letting we cats go to Mars first. Anyway, you know that once humans get to Mars, they are going to want to bring their cats with them, so why not pre-empt the situation?" Cathie, just for once, was stumped for a quick answer to that one. This cat was becoming very argumentative - and stroppy too. "Talking of calories," she began, "I see that your plate of vittles seems remarkably clean today - are you ready for a top up?" At this, Frecat's dreams of space exploration vanished and was replaced by a reality check. Let it be food today, and leave the space exploration for another day. First things first! 
The consternation about the malfunctioning laptop that had spread like a disease across the Fredcat household was eradicated at a stroke yesterday evening. Ianeyes, he of the magic IT touch, came to the rescue and produced a marvellous little gadget that enabled the laptop to function normally once more. Harmony and its close friend good humour were restored. Good-as-new Fredcat Large image Fredcat was mightily impressed. He examined the new piece jutting out from the computer and rubbed against it cautiously. Actually, it was quite pleasant, and its little antenna scratched him in just the right place, just around the eyes and under the chin. "It occurs to me that it would be a very good idea to make computers out of rubber, so when they fell to the floor, they would just bounce a little and not break," he observed. "Such a rubber computer would also be easier to transport in cases, satchels and the like. They would also be much more comfortable to rest my weary cat head on, come nightfall." "Some time ago, a lap cat named Charlie, came to stay with us," remarked Fredcat. "Alhough he was not the same as a laptop computer, he had many of the characteristics of one! For example, Charlie could not bear to hang around on the floor; he much preferred a human lap to rest on. His motto was, See lap, sleep on lap a task he carried out with remarkable consistency. It was often the case that a human would rise from a chair only to find a sleeping Charie had found its way onto their lap. It was a mystery as to how he managed to get there without the human being even aware of it. We miss him," he added. Now that all was well indoors, Fredcat went outside to find that the snow had all but vanished and the weather had turned much warmer. Although not even half way through January, there were buds on some of the early flowering trees and plants. The lawns looked a mess but that suited our hero just fine as it meant that he could navigate across them without stumbling into innumerable thick clumps of green. There were, however, several large grasses in an unkempt part of the garden, and Fredcat rather liked to wander over to them. He had found that, when chewed on for a while, they helped his digestion somehow. He liked to prove this to Mr. B. by eating some grass, then leaving a puddle near the front door as proof that his digestion was still functioning. Being near the front door meant that Mr. B. had little difficulty in finding it, even in the dark. Wasn't he lucky! 
Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was in a bit of a tizz. During the frantic spring cleaning activities of the last few days, she had managed to damage her laptop computer. Although the computer was not in its first flush of youth (like Mr. B., snickered Fredcat), she had come to rely on it. Fredcat's immediate comment, on the other hand, was simple and direct. Laptop-dreaming cat Large image "Will it affect your ability to place my famous diary on the internet?," he asked anxiously. "There is no point in having all this interesting stuff going on in my life if you are unable to record it properly, you know." This was not quite the response that Cathie had wanted, though, knowing the famous feline as she does, it was not unexpected. Like many famous lifeforms, Fredcat was only really interested in himself. This was not just pure selfishness, but simply the way some folk are hardwired to be ego-centric, and which drives them to lead seeming selfish but successful lives. There followed a lot of muttering as Cathie weighed up the available options: repair the machine (if it could be mended); send it away to be assessed for repair; or simply to bite the bullet and replace the laptop with a new one. Hence the scowling that continued in the Fredcat household for the rest of the day. "Computers seem to be quite an expense, don't they," she muttered to herself. "I would offer to buy one for you myself, but I'm afraid that all my spare cash went on Christmas celebrations and January is a dreadful month to start paying out additonal and unexpected bills," said Fredcat, with a finality that brooked no reply. If was definitely a "Sorry, Mate" comment, that left Cathie to look further afield. "Won't Mr. B. buy you a new laptop," suggested Fredcat. "I'm sure that if you spoke to him nicely, he would find a way to get you a new computer. "Well, I did let him watch the football playoffs over the weekend," thought Cathie. "Perhaps he will be in a good mood. Maybe if I cooked him a nice meal? They say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach! He might just be persuaded. I will give it some more thought." And with that, she went off to do some plotting. "Excellent news," thought Fredcat. If Cathie is happy, than everything will turn out fine again, and I will get my diary published on the internet once more. And with that, he went off to sleep on his new sheepskin-type bed cover (illustrated above!). 
Fredcat recently realised that he could make it a lot easier for the ever-increasing numbers of visitors to his website to e-mail him (user-friendliness is everything, after all, and the famous one is nothing if not user-friendly!). So ..... no sooner thought of than done! Now when (not if!) a visitor feels the need to say something nice about Fredcat, said visitor is invited to use e-mail link above. Being such a haughty hothead, there is no guarantee of a reply from the magnificent moggie, but one never knows ... Easily-contactable cat Large image Similarily, all visitors are now able to easily spread the word about Fredcat the Famous to friends who have not yet been exposed to the famous one's musings. Fredcat knows that these links do work, as he has already received an encouraging response from his very good friend JdeF (who used the "e-mail the Fredcat the Famous" link) and who took some time to remind Fredcat of halcyon English winter days, when building snowmen and throwing snowballs was all the rage. Thanks, JdeF! Here in the US, the snow was still lying frozen on the ground this morning when Fredcat woke up. Not surprising, really, since the temperature had fallen to 9F during the night! Fredcat complained once more to his human friends, "I thought we were emigrating to a nice warm part of the world. Last winter there were ice storms - and now this. North Carolina is supposed to be hot!" The central heating was duly cranked up to sub-tropical temperatures to placate the poor chap. Mr. B. was watching the American football play-offs which take place at the end of the regular American football season. For some reason this interfered with the continuing need to spring clean (on a weekend, no less!) by Cathie. Fredcat wondered why female humans wanted to spring clean right in the middle of the most important sports game of the year (well, on that day at least) which would necessitate the unplugging of the main TV set! Sping cleaning was duly halted. Like his best human friend, Cathie, Fredcat was also in a spring cleaning mood so, apart from improving the e-mail capabilities mentioned above, he has altered the look of his catlinks page. Once visitors have completed reading today's Fredcat diary, and want a change of scenery, then click on the catlinks link and explore the feline world beyond that of Fredcat the Famous. He expects you to return tomorrow, though! What a demanding deity. 
Today it snowed! Fredcat barely remembered last year's snow. By mid-morning today he was fuming at the blanket of white stuff which was rapidly covering the known universe (as he understood it). The snow didn't just appear as a light dusting (as promised by the weather forecasters) but fell in a steady flow to a depth of over two inches. Snow-avoiding feline! Large image Now two inches of snow isn't a lot to humans but it becomes a bit of a snowdrift to a cat unused to it! As it happened, Fredcat did have the chance to pop outside at 6am when his morning feed had been made available - he had sniffed the outer air and decided that the cold was just too much and he would therefore wait for a more suitable hour. This decision turned out to be a big mistake! Fredcat went into his usual routine of going back back to his feeding bowl, repeating the process of eating and then making his way to the front door, assuming that this would make all well outside. But (surprise, surprise) this turned out not to be so. Again and again our faithful friend was obliged to stay inside. His well tested routine did not work - the snowfall continued relentlessly. Eventually Fredcat was forced to make his way to the inside litter tray: how degrading! (He considered himself above such indignities after all these years - and who could argue that premise?!) Fortunately the snow eased off later in the day, which allowed Fredcat to venture outside once more. He strolled around his estate and noticed something quite strange: his path, driveway and roads abutting his property were all free of snow but the grass and shrubbery were still thick with the white stuff. It didn't take him long to work out that the best place to walk was on the narrow strip which lay a foot or so adjacent to the house where the snow had indeed melted (being so close to the warmth exuding from the brickwork). He worked out a suitable route to and from the melted areas and kept rigidly to them. His advice to other cats? Snow is OK to look at, but not to mess about in for too long! Our friend is clearly a temperate house-loving feline cat who knows when he is well off, no? 
Everywhere was chaos! Now that the Christmas decorations had come down, Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had decided that the downstairs rooms looked very grubby and a little clean up was required. She started by organising the ornaments on the mantlepiece, giving them a good dust and wipe down as needed. Spring cleaning time Large image Before long an energetic Cathie had the whole living room in a state of complete reorganisation. Nothing was sacred. Ornaments which last year would have been declared precious were finding their way into trash bins. Chairs were moved to a more suitable position, reading lights were rearranged to give a more subtle shading pattern, and so on. Most housewives know the score! Fredcat could not recall this state of affairs occurring in earlier years. Christmas decorations were normally removed and stored by others, but this year Cathie had taken an integral part in the process. A big mistake, thought Mr. B., who vowed that this would not happen in subsequent years. It was amazing the things that were discovered, thought Fredcat, as he idly chased three pencils around the floor. (One of his best games at the desks upstairs was seeing how quickly he could dispatch pencils and pens to the floor. Actually, he was very adept at it.) It was several hours later when Cathie declared that enough was enough, the spring cleaning novelty having completely worn off. The impromptu spring cleaning had spread from living room to dining room and to yet another downstairs room as a swathe of cleanliness spread out in an ever increasing series of waves. The only advantage, it appeared to the rest of the household, was that it kept them quite busy and consequently warm, despite the very cold weather outside. Indeed, Fredcat was so cold last night that, despite his fur, he slept very close to an electric blanket and didn't move for many of the hours spent by others the following day spring cleaning. When he finally emerged, everything had changed! Nothing was where it should have been! The Christmas tree and lights had gone, and a dull settee stood in its place. "Where are all my beds??" cried Fredcat, in alarm. "I had three downstairs and now they are nowhere to be seen!" "Fear not, mighty maestro," said Cathie. "They have been cleaned out and replaced in new, more suitable places." "Huh, I'll be the judge of that," sniffed Fredcat, but he appeared pleased all the same. A change is as good as a rest, and his tinsel bed was still there! 
Following yesterday's discussions about the fate of the tinsel bed, the Christmas decorations inside the house have finally been taken down (but the tinsel bed remains). The artifical Christmas trees were stripped of their branches, coloured bulbs were carefully packed into cartons, and the whole kit and caboodle lugged up to the attic (recently vacated by the squirrels - how convenient!), ready to be reused next Christmas. Decorations down Large image Fredcat hopped outside. It so happens that in the subdivision where Fredcat has his home, there roam a large number of deer. They are fearless (but not tame) and have little regard for road safety matters. Each year, they play an exciting game of hunt the motorist, threatening to leave car, driver and passengers (and also, regrettably the deer), lying in mangled heaps on the roadway. Some householders in Fredcat's subdivision (and probably elsewhere, of course) had placed illuminated reindeer in their front gardens this Christmas. At nightfall these would light up so that all around could be seen variations on the theme of of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeeer (some with flashing white lights!), all adding to the night time Christmas exhibition. At the Fredcat residence, the external decorations were in the process of being taken down and put away. Most of the lights were still working and the display didn't look too bad but some elements of the display did look decidedly sick. The bulbs outlining the shape of one of the deer, which all had shone so brightly on day one, had began to burn out in the winter's cold. By day four, Fredcat demanded that Mr. B. replace all the burned out bulbs (and there were lots!). But, as fate would have it, it seemed that the more the damaged bulbs were replaced, the worse the deer looked by nightfall! By day ten, anyone driving past the Fredcat residence after dark would see a seemingly decapitated deer, with only two legs remaining - and these were both on the right hand side! "That reindeer needs to be recycled," stated Fredcat. "As a famous cat, I cannot be seen to live in a residence where the electrical work is so poorly maintained," he added. "You sound just like your best human friend, Cathie," growled Mr. B., but he went inside to check out next year's Christmas catalogues to see what was available in the deer line. This famous cat was getting way above himself! 
Yesterday was the twelfth day of Christmas, so last night was Twelfth Night - when all the Christmas decorations were supposed to come down. Fredcat had mixed feelings about this. He remembered from previous Christmases that the rooms looked very bare after the tinsel and hanging decorations had been taken down. He especially liked the coloured lights on the Christmas trees. Twelfth Night cat Large image This year, Fredcat sidled up to his best human friend, Cathie, and made a request. "It seems a pity that all the decorations have to come down and put away for another eleven months. Such a waste. I was thinking that it would be no hardship to you if the tinsel remained downstairs in the brown box; I could use that as an additional sleeping place." "But you have enough of those already," remarked Cathie. "I can count at least a dozen places around the house where I have to check to find you sleeping. What's so special about a bed of tinsel? I can't imagine it's the wide variety of colours, or the softness," she added, "though I suppose it is a very comfortable bed for all that. But it does seem rather a large bed for even a famous cat." "Ah, that's the point," replied Fredcat. "You see I have been thinking further about this Valentine's Day business. When young humans go a-courting, isn't it true that the male human takes his beloved for a drive in the family car? That makes for a nice cosy setting. Now, I don't have a car - and cannot drive! - but might still have to find some place to take my Valentine (that is, if we choose to become better acquainted) if we are to stand any chance of being together somewhere quiet for a while. The tinsel bed will easily accommodate two!" "Not in this house," barked a stern Cathie. "Just keep your amorous thoughts to yourself, matey! One has to draw the line somewhere, even for a famous cat! I might leave the tinsel bed out for a while, but come Valentine's Day that bed is history - and you will be too, if there is any more of this talk." Fredcat sighed, and admitted defeat on this one, but vowed to return to the fray later (after all, Cathie might just forget all about the tinsel bed come Valentine's Day). Crafty cutie cat! 
Fredcat's house has been invaded! Fredcat woke his best human friend, Cathie, from her slumbers to report that there were invaders in the Fredcat household. Funny, thought Cathie, the burglar alarm has not been activated. What's t'do? She listened carefully - and heard a patter of little footsteps aloft. Wow! Squirrel invasion! Large image Mr. B. was quickly shaken awake (thinking immediately how quickly the night had passed) and was soon made aware that the normal Fredcat household had increased numerically and as nobody appeared particularly anxious to check out the attic the rest of the night passed with a noisy background as the party continued aloft. The men were quickly called in and there was much a'clambouring and a'climbing about as the precise entry point of our bushy-tailed friend/s was determined. Eventually squirrel traps were set and the men left. Nothing happened for a while but eventually Fredcat once more alerted the humans. Fredcat was seen dancing excitedly as he watched a large grey squirel clamber, mountaineering style, up the brickwork, right to the peak of the house, where it entered the attic via a louvre. "Why can't I go up to the attic to check this out!!" said a very frustrated Fredcat. "I know that the natural predators of squirrels are foxes and owls - but we cats also catch squirrels!" Mr. B. responded scornfully, "I am afraid, Fredcat, that your best squirrel catching days are long gone." Ouch! Mr. B. soon realised that saying this was a bad move, as Fredcat and Cathie immediately removed themselves from the scene in a huff, and Mr. B. was left to deal with the capture and eventual removal of not one, not two, but three grey squirrels! Fredcat himself soon forgot about the attic and transferred his interest to food which did not have to be caught and Cathie treated him exceptionally well to make up for his hurt pride. Lucky cat! 
Fredcat has already seen Valentine cards a-plenty in the shops. He has not bothered overmuch with them in the past because he had other things to occupy his time. But, with an increasing amount of leisure time available to him nowadays, he wondered if he should be striking up an acquaintance with a female friend (or two?) and exchange Valentine cards ... It might be fun - but there could also be problems! Who will be my Valentine? Large image Of course, being such a famous cat, he knew that he needed to be careful and rather secretive in all his dealings with the outside world. He knew that Valentine cards were frequently viewed by the opposite gender as exciting and somewhat mysterious, and he recognised their potential to break a lady's heart! Many a female heart has leapt at the thought of an unknown admirer in the wings. Was this the way to proceed? The cards themselves were extremely flowery and promised all sorts of flattering vows, which Fredcat, being sensible, knew he had absolutely no intention of keeping. He asked his best human friend, Cathie, what she thought about cat-to-cat Valentine cards. Cathie asked Fredcat if he had a suitor in mind - and that put our careful cat in a quandry. I see, he thought, it seems I have to choose a female cat first, and then send the card. "It doesn't work as simply as that," said Cathie. "You don't just send a card to any lady cat you happen to know, you know, the cat in question has to be desired first. Cards are often sent because the sender is too shy to approach the lady, or because she is too aloof for a proper aquaintance to be made." "But I have seen all sorts of cards in the stores where sender and giver are clearly known to each other," cried Fredcat. "That, my friend, is the power of marketing," smiled Cathie. "In my view, card manufacturers have taken away much of the lover's spirit of Valentine's day. Everyone gets a Valentine's day card nowadays, and that is why you see all those additional cards. They have little to do with lovers anymore!" "I think one can even send a Valentine's day card to one's best friend! Even to your schoolteacher!" she added. Fredcat thought this over. Lovers!! It was getting way too complicated. "I think I will not send any cards myself," he determined, "I will just wait for them to be sent to me. That way I won't get into any trouble!" "Won't you be sending one to me then, Fredcat?" scowled Cathie, "I am your best human friend, you know." But she was talking to thin air once more. It doesn't look too promising for Cathie, does it? "And don't look at me," glared Mr. B., grumpily, "I can only just keep abreast of birthdays, you know!" Oh dear! 
Fredcat wondered why humans made New Year's resolutions (or at least one main New Year's resolution) when such resolutions aooear never to be kept more than a day. Is this some kind of weird game humans play - with prizes? And are resolutions deliberately made so difficult that they are impossible to keep? New Year's resolution cat Large image I think I might have a go at this New Year's resolution thing myself, he thought. I know - I will be kinder to mice: neither catch them, nor play with them until they are no longer interesting ... Hmmm, perhaps not, he mused, if I go along that path I might be out of a job at the Fredcat residence. Anyway, mice do make such excellent toys, much better than balls of string! Perhaps I should resolve to be kinder to d*gs instead, he thought. But then again, surely it is up to d*gs to be kinder to we cats - but I cannot see that happening either. The only way to stop them annoying us is to give them a sharp poke on the nose with a nicely sharpened claw, it seems. "What is Mr. B.'s New Year's resolution?" asked Fredcat of his best human friend, Cathie. Cathie laughed really loudly and replied, "That is really easy to answer - it's the same one each year. He determines to go on a diet and lose tons of weight! It's quite hopeless, of course, he hasn't a clue about it all." "Is that why he is always so grumpy?" enquired Fredcat, mischievously. Hmmm! "There are times when you can go too far with your casual observations, matey," said Cathie. "A good resolution right now would be to tidy up your sleeping area(s) and see if you could be a bit more helpful around the house." But, as always, when the discussion turned to work, our famous feline hopped it and could later be seen furtively feeding his face. He has to keep up his energy levels, you know before his next encounter with Mr. B. 
Fredcat was so tired from his late night revelry on New Year's Eve that he forgot to wake the humans extra early on New Year's Day. It wasn't until nearly 6.45 on the first day of 2004 that he brushed his winsome head (repeatedly - and with increasing urgency) against the soundly sleeping head of Mr. B. to remind the latter of his feeding duties. Over 10,000 "hits"! Large image Fredcat found himself having to explain that (unlike humans) he was not one of those beings that slept in soundly whenever he had had a bit of a night out. Fredcat's metabolism required lots of food but, more importantly, required that such food be served in the form of many small servings throughout the day - every day! Furthermore, even if there were food in his bowl he really wanted the humans to come downstairs with him to keep him company while he ate - even if it was early in the morning on New Year's Day. Face it, Mr. B., our little star just likes companionship. After all, he did have something extra to celebrate this New Year's Day. His Vice President of Marketing (strangely enough, the holder of this important post is the famous one's best human friend, Cathie - I wonder how that came about!) had informed him that there had been over 10,000 "hits" on the magnificant moggie's website! New visitors were apparently arriving by the dozens, every day! Cathie had informed Fredcat that visitors from at least 20 countries had been listed as dropping in to date (on one pretext or another), although many of them appreared to be very shy, as their web servers did not permit their country of identification to be given. Shame! There was even one little group of visitors who had been regularly sending the Famous One what seemed to be advertising messages from the Far East (in Chinese! - which unfortunately neither Fredcat nor his human friends understood). These messages were quite different to the ones he occasionally received from his regular viewers (most of which he had been able to understand). Perhaps they were Chinese spam? Fredcat just did not understand. Fredcat was pleased that several hundred of his devoted fans had listened in on his Christmas and New Year broadcasts. Fredcat points out that to keep his identity as secret as possible, and to allow him some privacy, he has agreed with the organisers of the Hanes Veeper software that said Hanes broadcasts will only be available for 15 days, and, after that - silence! "That time restriction sounds good to me!" beamed Mr. B. "Permanently mute sounds even better, no?!" |
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This is little me 
- I am so smart!
Move on to say thanks to those who helped Mr. B do this stuff
Copyright © 2003-date Fredcat the Famous and Mr.B.