Welcome to Fredcat's diary - and checkout his tails later!

Tuesday, January 31st 2006 (number 737)

Crackdown on caring! Large image

Fredcat sniffed the air; the weather was improving and new smells were everywhere. He stepped outside, stopping for at least twenty seconds with his front paws on the top step and rear paws firmly planted inside the hallway. Mr. B. patiently held the door open for him, as always. It was good to let the Grumpy One wait, thought Fredcat - after all, the President of the US and the Queen of England always had someone to open the door and to announce their entrances and exits, so why not the Famous One? He pawsed for a moment or two on the top step and then made his way gingerly down the concrete steps to the shrubbery. There were crocus plants blooming, showing off their new yellow flowers. Fredcat stepped delicately over them and made his way to the rear of the shrubbery behind the main set of bushes. This was a nice warm spot and one of his favourite outdoor resting places.

He came to the back of house the long way round and waited at the back door for Mr. B. to notice him. Fredcat never mewed to be let in, that was too demeaning; he simply waited until he caught Mr. B.'s eye and then sauntered casually to the door, timing his entrance to perfection so that he moved seamlessly into the living area. He certainly had Mr. B. well trained!

When Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, came home from work he again waited patiently for the expected chuck-a-chin (or five) and, smiling to himself, thought how a simple life lived by a feline could be the good life. That was until he heard Cathie gasp as she read out the article from her newspaper. "Do you see this?" she asked, "There's going to be a crackdown on how humans care for their pets. No more free and easy life for pets - or their owners, it seems. The official Pet Police are coming!"

Mr. B. grabbed the paper and a grim smile played around his lips. "My, my! It looks like all sorts of nasty things are in store for you, young fella-me-lad," he said, "This says that you're to have a companion to play with, whether you like it or not. You won't like that!" The paper was immediately grabbed back by Cathie, her eyes shining, "So we will have another cat or three staying here to keep you company, after all," she said. She seemed more than pleased.

"Oh, no! What am I saying?" said Mr. B., gulping hard, "That can't be right." And then with a sigh of relief he looked at the heading on the newspaper and said, "Look! it's an English newspaper - none of this stuff applies to us, living here in the US." Cue the mixture of relief and anxiety all round. In a way Fredcat was very relieved, he'd spent so much time training his humans already, he didn't want any more rules to be added at this stage of his life. Fredcat the Famous plus tiny kittens? Oh dear - what a thought!

Back to top

Monday, January 30th 2006 (number 736)

Chinese New Year celebrations! Large image

Fredcat was definitely in seventh heaven. His videos were playing properly at the correct speed, and his new waterfall dispenser was operating nicely; what could possibly go wrong? His best human friend, Cathie, was getting ready for work, hobbling about a bit as she put on her shoes and Mr. B. was cheerfully downing his own hot cup of early morning tea. He was actually smiling! Cathie finished her hopping about and drank her own cuppa, "You will look after Fredcat today, won't you?" she asked, "I think that he might need a dose of that medicine the v*t gave us to make sure that he doesn't get sick; I'm sure I heard him coughing last night."

"It's a funny thing," thought Fredcat, "If someone yawns, one immediately starts to yawn oneself and if someone mentions a coughing fit, one immediately has a frog in one's throat, and so on." He stifled an imminent cough and headed for the door, "I'll see you this evening," he said as he and Mr. B. watched Cathie as she sailed out into the cold winter's air. It was still very early and there was nobody about except a yellow school bus starting out on its rounds.

But when Fredcat went upstairs to the study (the location of all his Famous Videos!) he saw with horror that it was the start of the Chinese New Year. It wasn't actually the fact that it was the start of the Chinese New Year which bothered him, as such, but the fact that this year was the Year of the D*g! This was terrible! Did this mean that d*gs would now be given the notion that they were superior to felines? 2006 was supposed to be a good year for Fredcat and now this blight was going to hover over him for the rest of the year. Mr. B. tried to put it all in perspective, "Remember, they only have precedence for this year, next year it'll be some other creature."

"That's fine for you," snorted Fredcat, "But we felines run our life span in a much shorter timeframe than humans and a year to you is a lot longer to us and this means considerably more suffering." He watched one of his videos absent-mindedly, but somehow it didn't seem so wonderful now. So he stomped about a bit. Which, unsurprisingly, didn't help. "Do you realise that the powers-that-be have now invented slippers that have a light at the toe so that the wearer can see where they're going - even in the dark? So all those d*g owners who have trained their d*gs in the servile task of fetching their slippers will think that their canines are even more smart. I'll never get over this!"

But when Cathie came home, all was well as Fredcat had, by then, realised that he had a wonderful diary entry to dictate and that there were many other New Years out there. He even recognised that several d*gs lived quite close to he Fredcat residence, but they didn't bother Fredcat at all. So, "Live and let live," he thought and snuck downstairs to have a bit of best beef provided by Cathie.

Back to top

Saturday, January 28th 2006 (number 735)

Succesful videos for Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat approached his best human friend, Cathie, suspiciously. "I swear I can smell ... ummm ... cat! You've been looking at other cats again, haven't you! Don't deny it - you have been! Are you going to bring another cat into my famous residence? Are you? Are you?" He was almsot incandescent with anger. "Errr ... yes ... no ... ummm," began Cathie, weakly, "Look - I went out, OK? I just had to get out in the fresh air after being cooped up in my office all week, and Mr. B. drove me to see some of the cutest little kittens imaginable, I'm sure you'd love to meet them yourself, I could easily arrange for a couple of them to visit just for a day or so - or, errr - perhaps a week, or even for a bit longer. There's plenty of room in the Fredcat residence for loads more felines and they would be company for you and Mr. B."

She looked appealingly at Fredcat and waited hopefully for a positive response. "There are lots of your visitor friends who manage to have more that one cat living with them - some even have other creatures staying as well - and I'm sure you wouldn't mind having a potential feline friend stay over for a month, say?"

This suggestion clearly wasn't going down well with the Famous One, so she swiftly switched tack. "OK then - look! When I was out I popped into the Cats Are Lovely shop and bought a new waterfall water dispenser for you! It's just like a real waterfall! You could drink from this new one and the other three or four cats could perhaps share the other one. How does that sound? Here, I've already set up the new dispenser for you, and moved your oxygenated water drinking thing into the garage; see how nice and fresh the running water is in this new one. The whole thing can be easily cleaned to keep the water nice and fresh. It can even be taken to bits and put in the dishwasher!" But even as she spoke she knew that this was a losing battle, Fredcat was the feline equivalent of an only child and after sixt .. er five years was not going to share his home easily.

So, changing the subject, Cathie turned to her Fredcat and said brightly, "Look! I've really been helpful this week you know. Whilst Mr. B. was out today I completely fixed the problems associated with your Famous Fredcat Videos! Mr. B. was most impressed, I can tell you; he's always considered himself a bit of a smartie when it comes to techie stuff but I'm the one who's come up with the answer. As it happens, he couldn't make the Wake Tech course after all, so I'm very glad that I found the answer. Aren't you pleased?"

Fredcat was intrigued, "OK then, show me how it's done," he commanded and jumped up onto Cathie's desk (one of his favourite places) and stared her in the eye. "Are you sure that it's going to work this time?" he said, "The last time Mr. B. said he had the answer but the videos didn't play at the right speed at all!"

Cathie nodded her head proudly, "Oh, yes, have no fear about that, my lad. You see, it's all a case of knowing about one's AVIs and WMVs and DIV-X and codecs and conversion packages and ...." and here she pawsed for quite a time, "and, errr, about $40." Her somewhat less than helpful explanation trailed to a halt.

But Fredcat was delighted with the result. "Wow!" he exclaimed at last, "All the other vids (he'd recently started to use a bit of slang since his advent as a video star) only lasted from eight to fourteen seconds but now I'm back in real time, my viewers can enjoy me for much longer periods of time. They'll love that!!" He was so pleased that he danced around for quite a bit. "Now I need to make a Fifth Famous Fredcat Video to show my adoring public that I'm a superb master of the small screen - a video that will show off all my famous ginger and white colouring and especially my delightful white facial markings."

"Then when that's done I want Mr. B. to produce a special video page (see left) for my visitors to click on whenever they need cheering up. It will contain nothing but links to all of my Famous Fredcat Videos, all running at the correct speed. I just know that the mere sight of my films will bring a smile to the faces of my readers! And, by the way, you can forget about doing vids of any other cats, this is a one cat and only a one cat residence, here." He smirked, and strolled off once he had previewed and approved the rushes of his latest video. Fredcat arrogant? Not a bit of it. Hmmm ...

Back to top

Friday, January 27th 2006 (number 734)

Frustrated videocat! Large image

"Never mind," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "You can't expect everything to go as planned all the time, you know." She looked helplessly at Mr. B., wishing there were something she could do to raise his spirits. He'd been so cheerful when he'd first experimented with the Fredcat's famous videos on the intawebs; they all seemed to work so beautifully when played on the Fredcat PC. But the intawebs are sneaky and fiendish and the new way of uploading the videos and playing them online didn't seem to work at all. But what to do? Fredcat himself had mixed feelings. He desperately wanted a proper video of himself in all his ginger and white glory for all his wonderful visitors to see but was obviously less keen on the jerky and over-fast presentation that occurred when the free video-hosting folk became involved. Somewhere out there, there must be people who knew about these things and he was determined to find them. There is nothing as relentless as a Fredcat the Famous whose publicity is being compromised!

First Cathie tried her TF friends ("It's not news, it's ..."), one of her favourite discussion boards, but that only made her more worried because their comments indicated that it was, indeed, a very difficult task to deal with. They suggested that Fredcat needed a different method of approach. "I know," said Fredcat, perusing a brochure from the local Wake County College, "these people have a course that might suit - why not try there?" The humans quickly agreed and Mr. B. will be setting off on Saturday to the local seat of learning to see if he can resolve the problem. Until then Fredcat's viewers will (sadly) have to be content with jerky mover Speedy Gonzalez Fredcat.

"What we need are some simple rules that will guide us to the right solution," said Fredcat, stating the obvious, "like the rules for dealing with Etch A Sketch. Alternatively, we could just hope and hope and hope that the problem fixes itself. Remember our fridge/freezer seems to have fixed itself by magic; it's working quite normally now! Perhaps one of the reasons that it's now OK is that we've started closing the doors properly. Another one is that we've started storing more items on the shelves and fewer in said doors. And we've stopped leaving the doors open for long periods," he added. "Why can't we just wave our paws over the Fredcat PC and hope that the video plays at a normal speed? It might work!"

Later, Fredcat decided to stop whingeing and to perk up. "Cathie, am I still on track to become a US citizen?" he asked, "I've already had my paw prints taken and I'm looking forward to my big interview. They don't have to retake my fingerprints do they? They won't have faded away or expired, will they?" He looked anxiously at his eighteen digits and wondered how they managed to take paw prints of his sharp talons.

"Fingerprints (and pawprints) don't expire, Fredcat! Don't worry - they're not going to suddenly vanish, you silly! However you do need to learn all about the US for the interview," said Cathie, "and be prepared to answer all those questions that the interviewer asks you - like who is the President of the US?"

Frecat knew the answer to that one. "Actually, that's me," he said, matter of factly, "but I let them all think it's some other human who lives in the White House. And I'm the Unofficial State Feline for the fair state of North Carolina, as well." And he wandered off to examine his latest Christmas present which had arrived, somewhat delayed, from Miss B. It was (of course) an excellent publication, all about a feline friend of his! Happy Christmas, Fredcat!

Back to top

Thursday, January 26th 2006 (number 733)

Another unsuccessful video ... Large image

Mr. B. was all smiles - he could hardly wait for evening and Cathie to come home from work to share his good news. Fredcat knew something was up. In fact he also had been preparing for this evening. His best human friend, Cathie, had intimated that she was going to make a special effort to take a video of him from a new perspective. He wondered about that. What new perspective could that be? Was there dressing up involved? He had seen little sign of his expected entourage of specialist staff; he thought that at the very least a wardrobe mistress would have been recruited by now. Earlier in the day, when Mr. B.'s back was turned, Fredcat had climbed upon Cathie's dressing table and tried out one of the powder puffs. This had not been a success; soon Fredcat had found himself covered in a frothy pink powder which, after he'd stopped coughing, took all of his grooming efforts to clean himself up.

At last Cathie arrived home and Fredcat was the first to greet her, "Mr. B. has already made you a cup of tea so hurry up and drink it then we can get down to this new perspective idea of yours," he urged, and ran upstairs and then back downstairs in his excitement. Cathie took her coat off and sank into one of the big chairs and gratefully started on her drink. "Is a new perspective going to be good for me?" asked Fredcat and Cathie blinked. What was Fredcat on about? Being English she decided that nothing should be done until one has finished one's cup of tea - and even dealing with this excitable feline was no exception to that rule.

Then she remembered what she'd promised Fredcat and reluctantly staggered upstairs. It was all very well going back to work, she thought, but the doctor had warned her not to walk about too much at first. But Fredcat's needs were paramount, and she knew both where her duty lay and what she had to do, and soon Fredcat was positioned ready for the new video. "Roll! Action! Camera! Go! and stuff like that," said Fredcat, who was totally unaware what any of these terms meant but he knew that they were somehow important. "What shall I do?" he said, "Shall I walk around, or what? Should I be behind the camera looking at myself or would it be better if I posed engagingly in one place?" As he said this he suited action to words with the result that Cathie's camera kept pointing to an empty spot in the room where Fredcat should be but was not.

When all was done it was finally time for Mr. B,. to announce his big news. "Ahem!" he said, coughing loudly to get everyone's attention, "I think I've solved the glitch that one of Fredcat's visitors mentioned, the thing that was making Fredcat's famous videos run at double speed. It seems that external hosting of videos is beset with problems so I've attempted to host the Fredcat videos myself. His readers may now see him in all his glory through the wonders of Windows Media Player!" He beamed and all three heads were soon gathered around the computer screen as Mr. B. gave a demonstration of the new and improved way to watch the video. "See! There he is moving about at normal speed and not darting about like a fly," said Mr. B., proudly. There was an immediate round of applause to signal this achievement.

But when Mr. B. tried to upload the video later onto Fredcat's intawebs it, once, again, showed a frenetic Fredcat doing his fly impression and the Grumpy One was forced to admit that his best laid plan hadn't worked. "How long have you been working on this?" asked Cathie, "About a week, now, isn't it?" Fredcat, of course, was not pleased as he wanted to watch himself behaving at normal speed. "Just hold your horses, Fredcat, just calm down," said Cathie, "Mayne Mr. B. will fix it tomorrow. In the meantime, let your friends watch it as it is - you do look cute in it - at any speed!. Right now I just want another cup of tea. My English heritage is calling me - everything stops for tea!"

Back to top

Wednesday, January 25th 2006 (number 732)

Excellent responses to my videos! Large image

Fredcat was so happy; the response to his First and Second Famous Fredcat Videos had been excellent. His adoring wonderful viewing public had sent his figures sky-rocketing and he was absolutely delighted. When his best human friend, Cathie, came home from work she was met by a Fredcat who was all a-quiver with pleasure, so much so that his words tumbled out in a muddle of nouns and verbs. "Stop! Stop! Calm down!" said Cathie, "You're obviously pleased but you must keep this in perspective, my little one. Every time you make some minor change to your daily diary it certainly makes it more attractive to your viewers but I have to say that Mr. B. still hasn't overcome the glitch of making your videos run at twice the speed.

"I think he does that deliberately to poke fun at me," said Fredcat, "I wish he would spend less time on his household chores and more time on my needs and wants." He wandered off to find the Grumpy One standing unhappily in front of the big combination fridge-freezer in the kitchen. ""What's up, Doc?" said the Mighty One in a (poor) imitation of the cartoon character.

"Unfortunately, this thing isn't working properly," said Mr. B., pointing at the fridge-freezer, "The frozen food in the freezer is becoming less frozen by the minute, and the food and drinks in the refrigerator are almost at room temperature." He stared at the machine as if his looking at it would suddenly restore it to full fridge-freezer health.

Fredcat leapt into action. "Come on," he said, "We can't just stand around here doing nothing, get the frozen foods out and pack them in with those in the emergency back up standby freezer in the garage, Then we need to do the same with the foodstuffs in the fridge, they have to go in the emergency back up standby refrigerator." Soon the job was done and Fredcat reached in and turned the settings to High on the near empty fridge-freezer. "If this doesn't work we'll have to call in a repair man, but at least my tinned food will be nicely cooled out there in the garage. And that's what's important, you know."

Everyone let out a sigh of relief. "O.K., now that that panic's over, let's turn our attention to more pleasant things - one perfect (ginger and white) thing, in fact! I need to watch my Third Famous Fredcat Video before the unsuspecting world sees it. I like to give my viewers a chance to see all sides of my personality, if you see what I mean." And he was soon watching it in the company of the master video maker, Cathie, the two of them purring with delight whilst Mr. B. was kept busy trying (unsuccesfully) to fix its playing speed.

Back to top

Tuesday, January 24th 2006 (number 731)

Rushing around the set! Large image

Fredcat waited and waited on the steps of his residence until at last he heard it. His best human friend, Cathie, was coming up the driveway and she slowly rolled her car into the garage. At last! Fredcat's vigil was over and she was home! He leapt towards Cathie eagerly. "Where have you been? I've been stuck here all day alone with Mr. B. - I didn't realise that you were going back to work full time, all day, today. The last I heard was that you were simply going back to work for a couple of hours to see how things were, and then you be home to look after me!" Fredcat pirouetted swiftly several times in his anxious state. He peered carefully into Cathie's eyes and could see that she was tired from her first day back at work after her recent upsets, and immediately decided to do something about it.

"A big mug of tea for Cathie," he ordered, and Mr. B. hurried to obey. "Cathie is tuckered out and needs to put her feet up," he added, "I need to ensure that you look after her; she's very important to the Fredcat household, you know." He turned to Cathie and motioned for her to sit down on the big settee. He then promptly jumped up onto her lap to receive his full quota of strokes and chuck-a chins.

"I've some important news for you, Cathie" he said, "First off, we've had another request for one of my famous bumper stickers, this time from a local North Carolinian, living quite near me. We've already mailed it, you'll be pleased to know. And some marvellous news - we've had a report back from Teresa and the Fur Gang to say that they've watched the rushes of my second famous video and it's looking great! This means that as our lead reviewers think that the video's good that we can now release it to the general public - the Second Famous Fredcat Video! It will be in the video charts soon, right? Will I need to change my name? I do hope not!"

Cathie looked at Fredcat whilst accepting her steaming mug of tea from Mr. B. "How was your first day back at work?" asked Mr. B. solicitously. He hadn't been listening to the earlier conversation, but before Cathie could reply Fredcat leapt in to underline his important news.

"Pardon me, but this is important," said the Mighty One, "I need to practice all my video techniques and Cathie is the master video human in the Fredcat household, so please don't distract her from her top priority - which is to take as many videos of me as possible over the next few days." He turned his handsome ginger and white head and looked into the big wall mirror. "Do you thing I photograph best from my front, Cathie? Or is a profile view better?" he asked, oblivious to the silence around him. "Hurry up! Finish that tea, will you?" And Fredcat jumped away and raced up the stairs to set up the video camera once more.

The humans looked at each other and Mr. B. started to repeat his earlier question, but Cathie smiled and said that that could wait for later. "We mustn't keep our star waiting, this phase will probably blow over in a few days but, in the meantime, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and record a new video as soon as possible. It'll keep him amused for a few days at least." And Cathie, being Cathie, was, of course, right.

Back to top

Monday, January 23rd 2006 (number 730)

Conceited Fredcat? Just kidding! Large image

Fredcat was hopping from one set of two paws to his other set of two paws, rocking side to side. "I can't see my very own First Famous Fredcat Video" he complained, "And if I can't see it, then it's odds on that none of my visitors will be able to see it, either." This argument wasn't easy to counter. "Now lookee here, you" said Mr. B. "I'm sure we did everything right. When I looked at your video it came up perfectly, even if it was a tad on the short side - but I reckon ten seconds of you is more than enough for anyone!" This remark threw Fredcat somewhat; was Mr. B. being sarcastic or was the Grumpy One saying that Fredcat's physical presence was so overwhelming that his viewers could only absorb a ten second burst of his powerful personality at a time?

On the other hand Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was quite certain what Mr. B. meant and she gave him one of her famous glares. "Remember, Fredcat, today has been signposted as the worst day of the year, so you must not feel that your video has been incorrectly uploaded, I'm sure it was just a glitch. I'll get Mr. B. on it right away." Fredcat stopped hopping and waited somewhat impatiently for the necessary corrections to be made. At last even he was satisfied.

"I'm really looking forward to seeing the rushes of my next video," he said, all smiles again. "As a star of the screen and, now, the intawebs, I'll need a huge support staff, of course. I'm sure I've told you this before," he muttered, "but the time has now definitely come for you to get me set up - let's start with a Gaffer, a good make-up artist, a fur stylist, a decent publicist and also, before I forget, a Best Boy (whatever that is). And don't forget to tell my loyal readers of my change of email address - I'm now using a very cool Gmail address, fredcatthefamous@gmail.com They'll need to know that, you know." He strutted about the desk and peered into the webcam that Cathie was trying to focus, peering at it closely and sharpening his best and only upper canine on the lens cap.

"I've just realised that I have to go back to work full time tomorrow," said Cathie morosely, "So it's up early for me - and that means the rest of you, too." Gulp, went Mr. B. This meant big changes, he thought, no more lazing-in first thing, and once Fredcat gets the idea that early starts are the norm, I'll be woken up early whether Cathie's going to work or not. Fredcat's thought were mixed; it was good to get up early with an early breakfast but bad to have Cathie away all day. Well, all good things come to an end ....

Back to top

Saturday, January 21st 2006 (number 729)

Decompression sickness Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, watched as Fredcat drank (for the third time that morning) the fresh water in his new water bowl. She beamed, and Mr. B. was suitably contrite. "I have to confess that buying that water dispenser was one of your most enlightened purchases," he remarked without rancour, "Look! In all the years Fredcat's had a simple glass water dish next to his food bowls and I've rarely seen him drinking from it. Now, it's almost as if he has diabetes - all the water he's putting away!" Cathie beamed even more. It was so wonderful to be proven right.

Fredcat stopped his drinking and a tiny burp was heard. He froze. "Wow! Excuse me! I must have swallowed one of the bubbles," he said, "That can't be good." The humans looked at each other and smiled. "Perhaps it's the start of the bends," he continued, "That's a very dangerous condition - I don't want nitrogen narcosis!"

"Where do you get such nonsense?" said Cathie in an amused tone, "To get the bends you have to have dived very deep under water and then have surfaced too quickly." Fredcat was not convinced and tried unsuccessfully to blow another bubble through his nose.

"But I had my head in this bowl for quite a while, and it is very deep," he muttered. "I clearly need a rest." He padded upstairs to the study and sat on the desk of his best human friend. Soon Cathie joined him and they set to, working to produce a video of the Mighty One. "I really like the idea of videos of my Mighty Self," he said, "But any video of me must be one that my visitors will appreciate. We have to have standards, you know!" Cathie though that making any video, good, bad or indifferent would be very difficult - she'd had years of trying to photograph her Fredcat and every time she tried he immediately stopped doing the interesting things he was doing, and dashed towards the camera, ruining the whole photograph.

"Talking of bubbles, Cathie, one of my look-alike friends was captured on video trying to catch some bubbles. It's amusing to watch, but it's over too quickly," said Fredcat, "Is there any way one can slow these videos down? My video runs at twice the speed it took in real time. I know felines normally pass their lives more quickly that do humans, but seeing me at that speed makes me feel like I'm in one of the early Keystone Cops films!"

"OK, we'll try again to see if we can get a better video which runs in more like real time, Fredcat. But, hey, you should just be pleased - you're now on your intawebs in video, as well as in photographs! You'll be even more famous! And I promise I'll try and keep the webcam still, the next time I film you." And with that Fredcat had to be content.

Back to top

Friday, January 20th 2006 (number 728)

Oxygenated Fredacat! Large image

Fredcat watched as Mr. B. came staggering into the main living room, cut, sore and bleeding. "Have you been in a fight?" asked Fredcat, "I know you have a great reputation for being grumpy but I didn't think you went so far as to engage in the noble sport of fisticuffs." Fredcat smirked, he knew that nothing in the world would induce Mr. B. to do any such thing. On the other hand, he, the Mighty One, had engaged in ferocious combat with many a feline foe, sometimes to his cost. Fredcat didn't pretend to be the best scrapper in the world but he'd learned a lot of tricks from his mentor, Forby, which had stood him in good stead in the past.

"It's the brambles!" moaned Mr. B. as Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, tried to stem the flow of blood. She smiled to herself as she did this because, truth be told (and like many a female before), she thought that the males of the human species whinged far too much whenever they received the slightest hurt.

But soon Mr. B. was bandaged and in good spirits as he demonstrated for the fourth time (!) how he had conquered the brambles growing between the leylandii trees. "Every time I cut a bramble down, another sprang up in its place!" he said, but found that the rest of the Fredcat residence residents had stopped listening. Anyway, Fredcat didn't see the need to cut down brambles, they grew far above his head, and caused him no grief, ergo, they should cause Mr. B. no grief either.

To stop the complaining Cathie dragged Mr. B. to the shops to buy some Fredcat supplies. There she saw a brand new super feline watering bowl and before Mr. B. could stop her, she was sailing out of the store with it. "Fredcat doesn't need one of those," said Mr. B., but 'twas to no avail. Back home she triumphantly fitted all tha parts together and soon water was bubbling gently into the new water bowl.

At first, Fredcat was a tad put off by the hum of the small motor and didn't know whether to try it out or not. In some respect he was a bit of a reactionary cat, liking what he knew and wary of newer-fangled gadgets. "You wait until you have new things thrust upon you," he said, but Cathie was on cloud nine. "I suppose that now we've replaced the main water filter and have good clean water coming into my residence, I can't complain at having my own personal supply of bubbly water," he conceded.

Cathie explained to Fredcat that whilst she was out she took a fancy to a very smart sleeping bed for Fredcat. Fredcat's ears pricked up at this, he was always ready to assimilate a new bed into his residence. Cathie eyes were alight. "It was a beautiful bed, all pink and fluffy at the edges, you'd have loved it," she added.

Fredcat's own eyes glazed over, not from pleasure but from horror. "A pink bed(!) What sort of a cat do you think I am? And by the way this new watering bowl is deficient, there's no automatic ice dispenser. I've always had iced water in my old water bowls." Oh dear, thought Cathie there's no pleasing some folks...

Back to top

Thursday, January 19th 2006 (number 727)

International leader Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was in an unusually contemplative mood. He'd been sat sitting by the front door for about an hour, neither moving nor twitching. Mr. B. had opened the door several times and had spoken to Fredcat gently on each occasion asking him when he wanted to go outside but the Mighty One hadn't stirred or offered a reply. Mr. B. sighed, he knew that something was brewing in the Fredcat cranium but couldn't work out exactly what it was. The next time Mr. B. went to the front door Fredcat wasn't there; he hadn't touched his food bowl since breakfast and he wasn't to be found in his new big box bed in his internal residence.

The Famous One's vanishing from his usual haunts wasn't an unusual happening and Mr. B. knew that he'd soon turn up. He and Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had been quietly discussing the visit of the plumber to change the chemicals in the water filter (located in the crawl space) when suddenly Fredcat's distinctive voice broke into their conversation.

"I know that I'm a real star and I'd be able to take my pick of the very best of cinematic roles if I needed to," he said, modestly, "But what would I be like if I became supreme ruler of mankind (as well as the supreme being in the feline world)?" Cathie and Mr. B. looked at each other and they both sighed. Fredcat ignored them and continued, "Would I continue to be a kind, friendly and helpful cat or would I become an evil overlord? Right now I would hate to be the latter but you've seen all through history how absolute power tends to corrupt absolutely." Cathie and Mr. B. looked at each other again and further sighing ensued.

Fredcat looked at his humans, "If I became an overlord, evil or not, I would certainly want you, Cathie, to continue to be my best human friend, It occurs to me that a lot of powerful beings seem to forget who their real friends are when they become famous, and I wouldn't want that to happen to me. I would need both humans and felines to guard me day and night and keep the villains at bay whilst I got on with governing everyone and everything everywhere."

Cathie reached over and touched the Fredcat forehead, "I think I'm going to take your temperature, my little lad," she said, "and then we'll get you some decent tuna for your evening meal. You'll feel much better soon." Fredcat didn't object - tuna was always good!

Back to top

Wednesday, January 18th 2006 (number 726)

Starstruck Fredcat! Large image

The humans had spent the evening watching the big TV. The Golden Globes awards were being presented and every move was being closely followed by gushing reporters. There was a lot of fuss about walking on a red carpet where the movie and television stars came to be photographed - and to wave to their fans. Fredcat had watched the show from the comfort of Mr. B.'s lap. (This was not, as you might have thought, a nice gesture on Mr. B.'s behalf - it owed more to the fact that as the Grumpy One was encumbered with a 12lb cat in his lap, it was left to Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, to do the honours of fetching the eats and drinks throughout the evening).

Actually, there was more to it than that. After a bout of strenuous exercise earlier that afternoon (i.e. going for a walk around the garden) Mr. B. was tired and had wanted to sleep in his chair. Fredcat's wanting a lap from which to watch the awards ceremony was too good to miss. But all good things must come to an end. "Who won?" asked Fredcat as the evening closed.

Cathie gave Fredcat a withering look, "It's not about winning, Fredcat - though it is nice to have one of those goblet thingies to plonk on your mantlepiece at home to show off to the neighbours; the Golden Globes awards are often considered a prelude to the real show later on, namely the Oscars." That reply didn't help Fredcat at all.

"Yes, OK, but who won?" he persisted, "You can't tell me that all these people turn up in their best bib and tucker without their being a winner (or winners?) That's illogical."

"I'm afraid you've missed the point of it all," said Cathie, wearily, "These big award shows are not to win stuff (though that's nice), it's all about wearing the right clothes, being photographed and getting an interview on national television, and sometimes being seen with someone who's important to your future career. Some of the ladies' outfits are stunning though I have to confess some are a little less so. No doubt the tabloids will show hundreds of glossy photographs of the stars in their finery at the awards ceremony and at the inevitable parties afterwards. One might think it's a bit insular but all I'm interested in are the dresses and in the British stars who may have won something."

"I have to say that the little speeches that the celebrities make afterwards are a bit of an eye-opener," said Mr. B., "I bet tomorrow some of them will regret some of the things they said! But that's the same the world over. Anyway - I thought that all the films being made nowadays were created by Hollywood computers!"

Fredcat thought hard, "Well, I'm glad I'm not one for these shindigs, I'm very happy wearing my cosy ginger and white fur and I've no particular taste for champagne either, though some of the cold meats on show did look very appealing." He licked his lips and went to find his own food bowls. No meat therein, but a new packet of biscuits had been opened but that was satisfying enough.

Back to top

Tuesday, January 17th 2006 (number 725)

Communicating Fredcat! Large image

Yesterday, Monday, Fredcat had marched down to the mail box with Mr. B. This took some time as he stopped to smell the daisies on the way. (It didn't bother him that there were no daisies and that the smells were the same as those he'd sniffed the day before. He's that sort of cat, you know). Mr. B. also was looking around the garden for signs of spring. The crocuses were coming up nicely, the star magnolia trees were almost ready to bloom and the lawn was looking green (all the leaves had been raked off) so everything was looking good to him.

Eventually the two had reached the mailbox and Mr. B. had peered inside. "Nothing," he'd said resignedly, "Zero. Nada. Zilch." Then Fredcat had belatedly remembered that yesterday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Federal staff were on holiday. "What - no mail?!" he said, horrified, "Communications are important! I particularly wanted to make sure that all my visitors realise that I've changed my email address! If my friends don't tell their spam blocker software about my new Gmail address my important missives might be deleted - before they even get a chance to read them!!!"

Fredcat had been quite concerned at this dreadful prospect, but he said no more than that as he'd dearly wanted Mr. B. to carry him back up the pathway to the Fredcat residence. He was lucky, as Mr. B. had taken pity on the 'five' year old and had already decided to give him a lift back to the warmth of his famous residence

Today, however, was a new day. "So, if yesterday was a holiday ... is today one, too? Because Cathie's at home again, today!" Mr. B. shook his head and replied, "Nope, today isn't a holiday - Cathie's home because she's working at home for a while to recover from her sicky foot and the fall she experienced recently; it's a long story, so I won't bother you with the details."

He continued, "Just count your blessings that she's here to give you plenty of back scratchings and chuck-a-chins, and to chat to you a lot, Fredcat. I do believe she talks to you more than she talks to me!" Mr. B. grunted a bit as he said this.

Fredcat was quick to respond, "Perhaps it's because I'm a more interesting conversationalist," he said smoothly but he stopped short of continuing along this line of thought.

Overall, today had been better; it was great to feel that all was well and that Cathie was on the mend. Fredcat hated bad hair days when everything went awry. "Why did things go wrong?" he thought, "it only took a little planning for matters to go smoothly, there would never be any confusion if everyone pulled together." Fredcat the philosopher!

Back to top

Saturday, January 14th 2006 (number 723)

Scheduled maintenance time! Large image

Fredcat had some spare time on his paws and decided that, for once, he wouldn't take a nap. In a way this wasn't good news for the humans who, although they loved Fredcat a lot, were sometimes pleased when he took long naps because they they could then get on with their household chores without fear of being disturbed and distracted. It didn't take long for an awake and alert Fredcat to spot a problem. "My readers are getting confused with all these different ways of getting in touch with me," he pronounced, "I think it's time we simplified matters." The humans groaned. Simplification to Fredcat inevitably meant hard graft for them.

"You need to get your act together, Mr. B., and sort out all my recent email messages and transfer them to the Guestbook," he growled, looking the Grumpy One straight in the eye (a difficult thing for a feline to do - direct eye contact is not usually favoured when a few inches from the face of a human). Mr. B. nodded in resignation, it was true that he had let things slip over the last few weeks. But he'd had so many other things to do!

"Then I think we should eliminate the feedback link of my famous webpage and amalgamate it with the emails to Fredcat link. I'm a very intelligent creature and am more than capable of deciding which emails will be placed on my famous Guestbook page and which are of a more private nature." Privately, Mr. B. thought that Fredcat was getting above himself and taking too much for granted but Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, nodded her agreement of her cat's suggestions. She would undertake to vet all messages to ensure they were dealt with discreetly and would adhere to Fredcat's very strict privacy concerns.

Mr. B. interrupted this high level planning meeting to complain that he wanted to get on with selling more stuff on eBay - he had a nice combination telephone and answering machine to place on his seller's list. At this Fredcat pricked up his ears. "Hey! Don't get rid of that! I could use that! That would go great in my luxurious internal residence. It's just what I need! When you're as famous as I am, you have to screen your calls, you know," he said, to no one in particular.

But he was quickly put in his place by Cathie. "Oh, yes?" she said, "And how will you pay for your very own personal telephone line, my friend?" she said, "You're talking about a separate Fredcat the Famous telephone line - and that costs money. Your famosity hasn't got in the way of your using our telephone number before, Fredcat."

Fredcat reluctantly agreed. "But what if I need to call 911?" he asked, "I know loads of felines who have used that service to save people's lives and, being an ultra famous cat, it's a facility that I would use over and over again, I'm sure." He sat back smugly and groomed himself while the humans went downstairs to prepare dinner, discussing the question of a cat calling 911 as they went. But soon the lure of freshly cooked ham tempted him from the study and he swept downstairs to feed the inner Fredcat. How quickly he forgets things ...

Back to top

Friday, January 13th 2006 (number 722)

Cleaning the Fredcat residence Large image

Fredcat had woken early, partaken of his usual breakfast, sipped Mr. B.'s cornflake milk from the proffered bowl and had sauntered outside through the front door, care of the obliging butler. Little did he know what was in store for him .... What would happen today? When he returned through the second of his cat doors into the kitchen area, he was met by Mr. B. who quickly wrapped each of the famous paws in a duster and sent him spinning on his way around the kitchen floor. "If I have to do spring cleaning then you can do your share," growled Mr. B., "You've done this before and this year there seems to be so much more to do that we need to get started early."

"We?!?! I don't see much We in We," muttered Fredcat, "There just seems more me that we if you ask moi" he added, feeling a tad miffed. "What are you going to do whilst I'm skidding all over the floor on these monster dusters?" But, to Fredcat's surprise, Mr. B. was clearly determined to do his bit. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had been laying down the law and there was no escape for anyone from the dreaded start of the spring cleaning season.

After a while Fredcat sat down and said, "Look here! This spring cleaning is a bit of a bore. There seems little end to it and all we're doing is pushing dust and dirt from one end of the Fredcat residence to another, where it will stay until next year." Mr. B. was inclined to agree but he simply carried on working.

Fredcat shifted tack. "This spring cleaning lark is really being carried out mainly by those members of my famous residence who don't formally go out to work, am I correct?" He received a curt nod in reply. "Then why don't we .." (he grinned slyly in the direction of Mr. B. who was on his hands and knees), "Then why don't we get ourselves a job then we'd be off the spring cleaning hook?" He grinned even more evilly.

He continued, "We should start by updating my resume. We could even throw in some poetical rhymes! You just watch - within a very short time we'll be rolling in cash and then we can get someone else in to do the hard graft of cleaning the house. Cathie will be pleased and we all win!"

Unfortunately that was when Cathie came in from shopping and started to complain about the shoddy work they'd been doing. "They'll be no job hunting for you two until these floors are clean enough to eat our dinner off." Well, that certainly put paid to skipping this year's spring cleaning for the two males. They sighed and got on with their work. Oh dear.

Back to top

Thursday, January 12th 2006 (number 721)

Financial Guru Fredcat Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was smiling and Mr. B. was rubbing his hands. Fredcat smiled as well because when people smile it's hard not to feel happy oneself. But Fredcat needed to know why the humans were so pleased with life and so he soon found himself hopping about in anticipation. "Do tell me what all this good humour is about," he said, hoping for enlightenment, and the humans were so pleased that the answers soon came bubbling out. "Mr. B. has just completed his very first eBay auction and the proceeds are here," said Cathie with a grin, "We didn't think it would be that easy but now that we've been successful we're going to sell all sorts of stuff and go on a holiday to somewhere exotic with the money! They both grinned in anticipation.

"What's my cut?" said Fredcat, all deadpan. The humans looked at him in astonishment. "Um, I don't think you understand," said Cathie, "All this income has nothing to do with you, it's simply a private matter outside of anything Fredcattish." She turned to Mr. B. and said brightly, "Well, what shall we sell next?"

Mr. B. looked at Fredcat and said, without the slightest hesitation, "We ought to go for something that will bring in a huge immediate profit. Fredcat's name stone would be ideal but it's heavy and would cost a fortune to send it through the post. We could try selling the glowing turtle in the back garden but I've grown rather fond of it, so I'd rather it stay where it is."

"But on the other hand," he continued, "when I suggested selling the internal residence of Fredcat the Famous you weren't keen because of misplaced affection for your favourite feline ... but what if we made it a package deal? Why not put up for auction the internal residence of Fredcat the Famous, complete with sitting tenant? That would go down a storm with all of the Mighty One's visitors, would it not? Winning an instant hero of their very own! They'd be sure to take very good care of him, by definition." Mr. B. put on his most appealing smile.

That did it. Cathie suddenly came out her reverie of financial riches (complete with thoughts of an Hawaiian holiday) and realised that Mr. B. was, in effect, selling off her treasure from under her very nose. Selling Fredcat! Along with his internal residence! Oh, no! "Sorry, Mr. B., but I can't go along with that idea at all," she said, "I love my Fredcat far too much to allow that to happen. I don't know what came over me! No way is that going to happen! That sale is off." And Fredcat heaved a sigh of relief. That was a close call.

"And here's another reason why I can't be bought and sold - what would happen if I had to go off on a secret mission for a few days?" asked an indignant Fredcat, "I remember a feline friend of mine, Tigger who had to go to ground on a matter of great secrecy recently. She was pretty annoyed to discover on her return that her best human friend had assumed that she was lost at sea! There was quite a to-do about that, I can tell you! I want none of that nonsense in my famous residence if I have to go off for a few days." And the shamed Mr. B. nodded in total agreement.

Back to top

Wednesday, January 11th 2006 (number 720)

Bathtime botheration Large image

It had been raining and Fredcat was mooching about unhappily inside the Fredcat residence. He desperately wanted to go outside but not whilst it was raining. "Some cats don't have the option," said Mr. B., "they're just escorted to the back door (not the front door, as you are!) then quietly shown out, and sometimes they're even shoved out rather brusquely." Mr. B. looked at Fredcat and Fredcat looked menacingly back. They both knew that there was not the slightest chance of that happening whilst Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was around. Mr. B. adopted a more conciliatory tone, "I'm puzzled, why do cats dislike water so much? We humans enjoy washing, swimming, having baths and showers; it makes us feel clean and gives us a great sense of well being, especially after exercise." Mr. B. beamed as he knew he couldn't be faulted on that matter today - he'd been jogging and had had a lovely warm shower as well.

Fredcat shuddered, and started to groom himself whilst Mr. B. (to show his athleticism) started to do some additional calisthenics. Fredcat gazed at the spectacle of an overweight human making a fool of himself and, turning to Cathie, asked her whether she did all this exercise-related stuff. "Absolutely not," said she, "I go by the old adage which says that whenever I feel the urge to take some exercise I go and lie down until the feeling passes!"

"I do know someone who takes their d*g for a walk on the beach, and throws sticks into the sea for the poor mutt to fetch, though." She pawsed. "Poor dog. Swimming, in the sea, and with a stick in one's mouth, I think not! Though some smart fella did some calculations and reckoned that his mutt was doing some clever algebra before jumping into the sea to retrieve a ball. It's quite a smart bit of calculus and I've exercised my giant mathematical brain by verifying it all." Cathie looked very pleased with herself.

Fredcat looked at Cathie and then at Mr. B. and thought that here were two ends of the reality spectrum. "I like to play games," he said," but they have to be simple. I've found a game called Push The Button which one can play at any time. There's no winner or loser and one can start and stop whenever one likes. Rather like Alice's race," he said slyly, but nobody was listening. Nobody likes a smart Alec cat!

Back to top

Tuesday, January 10th 2006 (number 719)

Slightly concerned Fredcat Large image

Mr. B. sat back with a sigh, having posted off his fourth quarter Internal Revenue Service tax payment. "You know that the cost of sending an inland letter has just been increased from 37 cents to 39 cents," he said, "So I've had to go out and buy dozens of 2 cents stamps to make up the extra cost to go with these outdated ones." He looked very grumpy. "It's very annoying as I'm paying this extra stamp money just to post and pay our taxes for the year. I certainly wish I could claim a sizeable tax deductible for Fredcat - he may be a domestic feline but he costs a lot more than your average moggie, I'm sure."

Fredcat bristled, "Excuse me, don't talk about me as if I'm not there, please! I'm extremely famous, you know, and you're lucky to have me reside with you at all. There are a lot of folk out there who would dearly love to have a wonderful moggie like me reside with them - for free! You can see how absolutely famous I am by checking with the Google organisation; they've even given me my own brightly coloured Search Engine, very few (if any) cats get that accolade." He danced about a bit, as was his wont.

He turned to his best human friend, Cathie, "One of the annoyances of being famous is the additional safeguards one needs to put in place. A lot of famous people have private guards, around the clock, to make sure that they're not annoyed by the hoi poloi. Do you think I need to do the same? I don't want to be stolen, especially at gunpoint! you know." He bristled.

Cathie looked at him in wry amusement, "Now, look here, my friend," she said, "All sorts of folk get exaggerated ideas of their own importance and I'm sure you felines are the same. Just calm down and let us take care of you. Count your blessings - you have your webblog, your intaweb and your own name stone so you are definitely famous (in your way) especially to me." And she picked him up, took him downstairs and pointed him in the direction of his feeding bowl, where he set to, chowing down, and promptly forgot all about being famous for a while. A short term memory is a wonderful thing.

Back to top

Monday, January 9th 2006 (number 718)

Packaged decorations Large image

It had been hard work but every last scrap of Christmas decorations had been finally boxed and stored away. To mark the event Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had taken a set of photographs of a bemused Fredcat surrounded by an increasingly large pile of boxed Christmas decorations. "I'm staying here to make sure that Mr. B. doesn't sneak off with my best (formerly Christmas) big box bed," said Fredcat, but Mr. B. had huffed and puffed so much in taking down the tinsel that he had had no thoughts of upsetting the Mighty One.

"The weather is much warmer now," smiled Mr. B., "I always feel a lot happier with the sun on my back." He went to the front door, opened it and sat down on the doorstep, which was surprisingly warm. Fredcat joined him. "Do you ever think about your ancestors?" said Mr. B., "I don't mean the folks back in Lancashire, England, over the last ten or twenty years - but way, way back in time, thousands of years ago?"

"There's this wonderful cat family tree showing how cats, both large and small, migrated across the globe several millions of years ago. It seems you are somehow related to some of the larger cats of the animal kingdom - though it's hard to imagine how that came about when one looks at your relative sizes," he said.

The Grumpy One continued, "A lot of humans think that the domestic cat became very popular in ancient Grecian times when they were treated very well." At this Fredcat purred and nodded sniffily that that was to be expected for a superior group of felines.

"We felines have some homing instincts, you know," said Fredcat, "Look at this ginger and white feline friend of mine; he's called the cat who came back. Now that is a remarkable tale. Good for him!"

"If I were to disappear suddenly, like that, would you humans be at a loss and hunt for me every day?" he asked, suddenly becoming a little anxious. "Of course, I'm so famous that everyone around would know me by sight, would recognise me immediately, and would soon alert you as to where I was and I'd quickly be safe and sound." Cathie looked at Fredcat, swept him up in her arms, and said, "Nobody's going to take you away, you've got years and years of healthy living ahead of you, right here with us" whilst Mr. B. kept a discrete silence. Best that way! (although he was inclined to agree ...)

Back to top

Saturday, January 7th 2006 (number 717)

Sibling rivalries? Large image

It was now most certainly the New Year. It was around this time of the year that Fredcat retired to his best bed (currently his big box Christmas bed) and dreamed of his life as it used to be in the county of Lancashire, England. He knew that his best human friend, Cathie, had tried to find out something (anything!) about his feline parents and siblings but with so many cats and other animals passing through the Animal Rescue Centre from where Fredcat hailed, it was a hopeless task for the, now retired, original owner. That, of course, didn't stop Fredcat thinking about them all; he wondered if there were hundreds of ginger and white cats and kittens living in the general area surrounding his birthplace. Were they all stay-at-homes? Or had some struck out and ventured forth, like him?

Fredcat shook his head and looked for Mr. B. After Fredcat's breakfast, and when Cathie had gone out, Mr. B. himself settled down for his own solitary breakfast. "Solitary", that is, until Fredcat hopped up on the arm of his chair and inched himself towards the Grumpy One's bowl of cereal. It then became a race to see who could get to the nice milky bit at the bottom of the bowl first. The Fredcat head soon was seen slowly dropping over the bowl, like some sinister preying mantis, whilst Mr. B. hastily scraped the remnants of the cereal onto his spoon.

Fredcat usually won this race by the expedient of behaving quite badly; once his head had dipped into the bowl Mr. B. gave up in despair. "Go on then," he would mouth, "Drink it all." But, you know, Fredcat rarely did this. After a decent number of sips, he lifted his handsome head and smartly dropped off the end of the chair and began to groom himself. There was always milk left in the bowl; usually enough for another three mouthfuls and Mr. B. felt his blood pressure rise each time it happened.

"Do you think any of my relatives have travelled to Europe?" Fredcat asked, completely out of the blue, "I suspect none have been lucky enough to come to the USA, but some might have travelled to mainland Europe. France or Italy are nice countries to live in most of the year round." He gazed into the distance, in a trance, as if imagining what it would be like to live there. Nice and warm!

"Of course the time zones are all different in various parts of the earth," added Fredcat, having just seen a clever picture of the world with areas covered by darkness and sunlight but Italy seems nice, especially with all that pizza."

"I didn't think you liked pizza," said Cathie, "But I know you adore roast beef and we are hoping that Mr. B. will make us some sandwiches later on - with roast beef fillings."

"Nice indeed," said Fredcat, "but easy on the bread please."

Back to top

Friday, January 6th 2006 (number 716)

Undecorated Fredcat? Large image

Fredcat took one last look at the lights twinkling both inside and outside the Fredcat residence, took a deep breath and signaled for Mr. B. to switch them off and start dismantling them. It was very sad to see them all neatly coiled ready to be used in a year's time. He was not sorry to see the deer removed to the crawl space. For days now various limbs had flickered and gone out until one deer seemed to consist of only three legs whilst a second was simply headless. As it happened, there were only two residences left with Christmas decorations still on in the neighbourhood; seemingly the tradition of taking down Christmas decorations on the day after Christmas had replaced the even more traditional twelfth night switch off.

After a while Mr. B. started on the Christmas trees. Fredcat had been as good as gold with them - never knocking any coloured baubles off and simply using the area under the branches as a nice warm resting spot where he could see the assembly of humans in the living room. Thinking of humans he suddenly asked Mr. B., "Isn't my best human friend, Cathie, supposed to be helping us out here? I wonder where she is?"

It didn't take long to find the answer to that question. The telephone rang and a quiet voice on the line asked for Mr. B. The latter paled and sped out of the Fredcat residence, demanding that Fredcat hold the fort while he dashed out, and tjat he would be back soon. "Soon" happened to be more than two hours later. Cathie was brought stumbling into the living room with a huge bandage around her head and a prescription in her hand for some antibiotics which she needed to have filled first thing in the morning at the local pharmacy.

"It would have been better for you to have stayed at home and let Mr. B. do the shopping." Fredcat said, self-evidently, "I can't have you falling down, cutting your head open like that." Cathie grinned weakly and said, "It was a complete accident and I have no intention of doing any more shopping for a while, but now I would love a cup of tea, plus a ham sandwich or three, and then a nice long sleep. Then I'm sure I'll feel a lot better. Meanwhile, you, Fredcat had better keep an eye on Mr. B. to see that he puts all the decorations away safely and doesn't pack your new big box Christmas bed and internal residence along with the rest of the Christmas decorations. You never know what might happen to them once they leave the main living area space ..."

Fredcat winked gravely and promised to do all that Cathie asked, and wondered if he could have a bandage around his own head, to act in sympathy, but Cathie thought that it wasn't necessary. "Just keep me company tonight," she pleaded, "and I'll be fine in the morning." And she was.

Back to top

Thursday, January 5th 2006 (number 715)

Victimised Fredcat? Large image

The doorbell chimes rang loud and clear at the Fredcat residence and Mr. B. hastily rushed to open the front door. Fredcat opened one sleepy eye and lazily watched proceedings before falling asleep again. There was a mutter of low conversation until Mr. B. returned into the room where the big box bed was tucked away in the Fredcat residence with Fredcat happily snuggled up inside. "Um, Fredcat," said Mr. B., wringing his hands (a sure sign of anxiety, thought Fredcat, absently), "I wonder if you would pop upstairs for a moment? I have some private business to transact. I've given your newest round bed a thorough airing and it's placed neatly on top of the big bed. I'm sure you'll be comfortable there for a while."

So saying, Mr. B. carefully picked up Fredcat and swiftly mounted the stairs with him, placing him in the afore-mentioned round bed and proceeded to tuck him in with a nice clean throw. "Nice," thought Fredcat, "Mr. B. is finally acting kindly towards me. About time!" He stretched luxuriously and scratched his ginger and white head.

It wasn't long, however, before reality kicked in. "Hey! Hold a minute, something must be going on ..." he mewsed, and he hopped out of the bed and peered through the banisters.

Mr. B. was showing a lady the new Fredcat residence - and said lady was holding a feline! In Fredcat's house!!! All parties downstairs were closely examining the interior of Fredcat's Christmas residence. "Yes, the place is quite nice," said the feline, "But where's the owner? I want to see Fredcat the Famous - he's my hero." Fredcat had the grace to blush, but he was also scowling as he entered both the room and the discussion, saying, "You're not allowed to sell my internal residence, I thought my best human friend, Cathie, told you that yesterday!"

But Mr. B. simply said, smoothly, "The advertisement had already gone in and it was too late to back out, Fredcat. I've taken several excellent photographs to give it a better chance of selling. I actually think that these potential purchasers are about to make me an offer I can't refuse."

The lady agreed and said, "But first there'd have to be a few changes made, I'm afraid. That wallpaper will have to go, it's much too bright for my delicate vision. Oh - and that bed is far too clumsy, and wherever is the jacuzzi going to go??"

The Famous One's head reeled. "Enough!" said Fredcat, "This is my internal residence and I'm not selling it to anyone despite what you might have read in the papers! Whatever next?! I think, Mr. B., you'd better get back to you eBay buying and selling and leave my famous Fredcat residence where it is. Haven't you got some old golf clubs you can sell instead?"

Mr. B. paled. "Sell my precious golf clubs? Never in a million years," he said, and sped off to the garage to give his clubs a bit of a shine. Poor Mr. B.

Back to top

Wednesday, January 4th 2006 (number 714)

Homeless Fredcat? Large image

When Fredcat came upstairs to the study to find his best human friend, Cathie (or even Mr. B.) to start taking his diary dictation he found the Grumpy One hunched over the Fredcat PC muttering incantations to himself. Fredcat distinctly heard him say, "I'll sell that! (I'm sure it'll make a huge profit). Although I suppose I ought to ask Cathie about selling it - but maybe not. Perhaps I'll just see if she notices. If she does, then I'll feign surprise that it's gone and, if that doesn't work, I'll just blame it on Fredcat placing it in the bin for disposal."

Fredcat crept very close to Mr. B. until the former's head was just three inches from the latter's ear. He drew a deep breath and let out a meow of tremendous proportions. (Unsurprisingly) Mr. B. started from his chair, papers flying everywhere. Picking up his papers he turned and glared at the Mighty One.

"I heard all that, you know" said Fredcat, to forestall any abuse that Mr. B. might have been about to inflict on him, "Just what are you selling? You can't touch anything that doesn't belong to you, you realise that, don't you?"

Mr. B. spluttered a reply, "I've just realised that we were far too extravagant in giving you that brand new Christmas residence of yours; it was far too expensive and I've decided to sell it - on eBay," he finished, smugly.

Fredcat was horrified and his immediate impulse was to speed pitter-patter downstairs to make sure that his new residence was still in place. By the time he got there his little heart was racing, so much so that it was difficult to know which was pitter-pattering the faster, his legs or his heart. Then he spotted the For Sale notice placed by the side of the residence. It read,

FOR SALE, ONE MAGNIFICENT FELINE RESIDENCE, RECENTLY DECORATED, WELL MAINTAINED, COMES WITH SUPERB BED, GOING CHEAP, ONE CAREFUL OWNER (WHO HAS ANOTHER RESIDENCE AT HIS DISPOSAL), CALL FREDCAT THE FAMOUS FOR A THOROUGH INSPECTION. SELLING ONLY ON EBAY, ALL PROFITS FROM THE SALE C/O THE AGENT'S OFFICE, MR. B.

Fredcat let out such a howl of rage that Cathie came running. When she saw what Mr. B. was up to, she rounded on him and chased him all around the Fredcat residence, scolding all the way. "Don't you fret," she said to Fredcat later, "I'll soon sort this out. Mr. B. will drop this e-Bay nonsense soon; it's just a fad and, just like all his other fads, he'll get bored with it soon, I'm sure." But Fredcat feared that she underestimated Mr. B. and he just knew that once the eBay selling disease took control of the Grumpy One there'd be no stopping him. Fredcat would have to keep a very sharp lookout in the days ahead ...

Back to top

Tuesday, January 3rd 2006 (number 713)

Resolutional Fredcat! Large image

The Old Year had gone, the New Year had dawned and Fredcat had slept blissfully through it all. "I can't see what all the fuss is about," he mewsed, "I honestly reckon that we could have chosen any day and reset the calendar accordingly." He looked at his crumpled best ever double Christmas box bed. "Well, now that the New Year has dawned I think it's about time that the cleaner (aka Mr. B.) did a bit of sorting out here. Some of my bedding has become squashed and it needs a good shake down to make sure that I don't get bed sores or attract biting mites or something even more horrible. It's all very well having a nice new internal residence but it has to be kept clean; after all, we felines like to have spotless living quarters, you know."

Mr. B. looked closely at the expanding Fredcat waistline and opined that perhaps the bedding being squashed was more the result of increased feline weight rather than lack of cleaning but Fredcat would have none of it. "My New Year's resolution is to have as much turkey in my diet as I can; I have really taken a liking to that meat." He licked his lips, "And tuna and prawns, of course."

"I much prefer chocolate," said Mr. B. somewhat unsurprisingly, "All the best things in life are named after bars of chocolate - let's see there's Bounty (that's a treasure trove), Smarties (so-called because clever people eat them to make them even smarter) and, of course, there's even a planet named after a bar of chocolate - I'll leave you to figure that one out, Fredcat," he said, with a grin.

"So you don't mind being associated with mammal fossils, then," said Fredcat, "By the looks of you, you would fit in very well with them. I bet you were around even before Top of the Pops became the norm for we youngsters. What was number 1 in the pop charts on the day you were born?"

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, then appeared at the doorway and picking Fredcat up demanded that the males stop their bickering so early in the New Year. From the safety of her arms Fredcat piped up, "May we not ask Mr. B. to do something about the deer in the front garden? They look half dead! Look! Half the white bulbs have gone out making the female deer look as if she's floating on air, while the male deer has completely lost his head (like Mr. B.!)"

In the end order was restored and Mr. B. fixed the Fredcat big box bed. Fredcat asked Cathie to make sure that the Grumpy One remembered to include Fredcat's appreciations for the seasonal messages he'd received from his visitors. "I hope all my friends received my New Year's greetings - people do change their email addresses," he said worriedly. He eventually fell asleep and dreamed of turkey - which is where we came in.

Back to top