March 31st 2005

Entertaining Fredcat! Large image

"Are you ever going to get up?" asked Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, asked Our Hero, "It seems you have some sort of sleeping sickness. I mean, I know cats like to sleep, but I'm home now and I need to have my daily chat with you. Chatting with Mr. B. is all very well, but he isn't anywhere near as much fun as you. But I don't want to disturb you, Fredcat - we'll chat only if you're awake and want to stay awake, of course!"

"Well, I need something to do when you're out at work all day," responded Fredcat, somewhat defensively, "I get scant chatting time with Mr. B. Today, for example, he went out shopping and detoured to go a-visiting as well, so he was hardly in evidence at all. When he finally came home I was so famished that he immediately had to give me my next ration of cat food. Then he scarpered to watch sport on TV all afternoon, so I never had a chance to chat with him."

"I think it's so unfair that I have to wait for the Grumpy One to come home before I can be fed," he complained. (It must be said, Dear Reader, that Cathie had noticed that when push came to shove, Fredcat did his fair share of being grumpy himself; she sometimes felt that she was living in a household full of grumblers and grouchers - but that's another story.) Fredcat continued, "If only I had opposable thumbs I could buy and use my very own can opener! I could get an electric-powered one, like the one Mr. B. uses - it wouldn't need much energy for me to use it. Just thumbs!"

"Poor Fredcat, you clearly need to be entertained," commiserated Cathie, "Let's watch these together, and then we'll talk about them, hey? Look - I have seen a wonderful little video (make sure the volume is turned on, Fredcat) about cats and the amusing tricks and scrapes they get into. It's very funny. We'll watch it together while Mr. B. is busy watching the big TV downstairs."

"And then there's this other little video - we need Quicktime to watch it, but we have it, so that's OK. Turn the volume back up, Fredcat! I hope you'll like it because it relates to something you know something about." Fredcat looked askance at Cathie and wondered what she was blethering on about, but he sat on the desk and gave the screen his full attention. "Oh, neutered! he said, "Dear me, that happened so very long ago I'd almost forgotten." He sighed, wistfully.

Cathie crept quietly away, leaving Fredcat wandering down Memory Lane. She hoped she'd cheered him up - but now she wasn't so sure ...

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March 30th 2005

Worried Fredcat! Large image

It was a nice day yet Fredcat spent most of it on his new bed, just as Mr. B. had planned. The Mighty One had emerged once, mid-morning, for a bite to eat then returned to his special sheepskin spot. When Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, returned home from work, she was surprised to hear him sneezing. "This will never do," she frowned in annoyance, "I fancy we'll have to telephone for another appointment to visit the v*t. We can't go on like this!"

"Perhaps it's the new bedding," suggested Mr. B., "or even the start of the pollen season." To be honest he was rather smitten with the notion that Fredcat was keeping out of the way, and he dearly wanted that state of affairs to continue.

"I don't think so," responded Cathie, "and I think it's highly suspicious that today is officially Doctor's Day - or so we are led to believe. And v*t is the proper name for an animal doctor," she added significantly. Fredcat looked at her. Surely he wasn't going to be hauled off to the v*t simply because someone far, far away had arbitrarily decided to name today Doctor's Day. Ridiculous!

Time for a change of subject, he thought. "What do other animals do at Easter?" he asked, wildly, spotting a gap in the conversation. "I've just seen a very nice photograph of a leopard carrying its young. Although it looked rather dangerous, if you ask me!"

Cathie looked at Fredcat. She wasn't fooled. But Our Hero babbled on regardless, "I've had lots of new entries in my Guestbook," he said, "Thank you Cathie and Mr. B. so much for getting it all arranged. And have you seen these Tumbling Bears," he cried, "No matter how you run the cursor through them they always recover, I've had cobs of fun with them already. I think the intawebs are great!" And Cathie sighed, she would put off calling the v*t's office for a day or so but if there was no improvement soon, well ...

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March 29th 2005

Sleeping Quarters for Fredcat! Large image

"The Easter weekend went so well," purred Fredcat, to himself. "Everything turned out exactly as I could have wished, and my best human friend, Cathie, ended up having a smashing Easter Sunday. I had told her that I hadn't bought her an Easter egg - which was true, but it also wasn't true, because .... I'd bought her a whole box of Easter eggs. Made in Germany, no less!. She liked them so much that she's rationed herself to a maximum of one a day (to avoid her bathroom scales shouting at her)."

Fredcat danced a little dance, hopping from one pair of paws to the other pair, looking more like a sleek racehorse trotting out than a sophisticated cat of the world. "AND," he added, "I received a new Easter bed! I was amazed to see it! It's great!"

"The most remarkable thing is that it was given to me by the Grumpy One! He'd even placed my old faithful blue blanket inside to give it a familiar scent because he knows that I'm suspicious about new "toys" Indeed, I'm never really sure about new things."

"I tried it out immediately and it's wonderful. The rains were pelting down outside and I couldn't have cared less. I found out later that for a short period this morning the rain had even turned to hail! but I wasn't bothered at all, because I was curled up in my nice new Easter bed." He yawned and stopped abruptly. "Wait a minute," he said, "I've just realised something - why has the Grumpy One gone to all this trouble? It's most unlike him." He frowned. "What's he after?"

Fredcat immediately sought out Cathie. "I'm afraid you'll just have to take this at face value," she cautioned, "He does the most odd things, you know, you just have to keep an eye on him. Have you thanked him yet?" "Yes, of course!" said our Mighty One, "I was properly brought up, you know - you were the one that did all the training!"

Later, Fredcat overheard the humans talking in the living room. "What made you think of buying that very nice bed for Fredcat?" enquired Cathie, "He seems to like it a lot. It was very kind of you." Mr. B. smiled. "I must say it's turned out better than I thought," he replied. "Now I know exactly where he is all day, especially when there's work to be done. He can't suddenly appear unexpectedly from behind some item of furniture to give me a nasty surprise. He also sleeps for longer in the new bed and leaves me alone. That's good for me!"

Fredcat was at first a little disappointed to hear this but the thought suddenly occurred to him that the Grumpy One knew that he was being listened to, despite Fredcat's silent walking. "Better let matters lie," he thought "After all, I HAVE got a brand new bed. If I play my cards right, perhaps I'll persuade Mr. B. to buy me one for me to sleep in downstairs as well!" Optimistic cat!

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March 26th 2005

Easter Bunny - with my chocs! Large image

"Hey, Mr. B," said Fredcat, with a worried frown, "I've been thinking some more about that Easter Egg business you mentioned yesterday. I'm in a bit of a quandary. You hinted that I might get my best human friend, Cathie, an Easter Egg, but I'm not sure that that's such a good idea. I'm on the horns of a dilemma, so to speak!" He sighed a heavy sigh (which was quite unlike our Maestro).

"You see, I've heard it explained like this," he continued, "Take you, for example. If you, Mr. B., present Cathie with a huge Easter Egg on Sunday, then she might turn on you for suggesting that she'll have to break her diet. She would hate to be given a gift that she couldn't enjoy, and the tears might start a-flowing."

He continued, "Yet, on the other hand, she might be very unhappy if no Easter Egg is proffered, and she could accuse you of being insensitive! And whatever happens to you might also happen to me! I mean, despite my excellent relationship with Cathie, I might fall into the same trap. What's a famous cat to do?" And Fredcat's eyes turned imploringly towards Mr. B.

Daffodil delight! Large image

Mr. B. thought and thought but couldn't come up with a decent reply. Finally Fredcat took the decision himself and, seeking out his best human friend, he said, "This is my Easter gift to you, Cathie. I've watched this daffodil growing in the garden of the Fredcat residence for the last few weeks and I've chosen it to be the one just for you. I haven't cut it and placed it in a vase because I want it to keep on growing to show my love for you."

Mr. B. could hardly believe his ears. What had happened to Fredcat? He never used to be like this. He had clearly been influenced by living for far too long in the US where it seemed that emotions run higher. Perhaps he needed to get back to the land of his birth where he would rediscover a more pragmatic way of showing his affection to Cathie!

The Grumpy One wondered whether the more pragmatic approach would be better - maybe Fredcat would say something like, "Have one of these nice flowers, old thing, sorry, no Easter egg for you this year, can't afford it, y'know, perhaps next year if the money situation improves." To be quickly followed by, "Anything decent on the menu for tea today?"

But when Mr. B. looked across at Cathie he noticed a little moisture around the Cathie eyes. "Could Fredcat's mushy approach be working?" he thought. "Perhaps this new Fredcat persona had something, after all! Harrumph, I think I'll go and do a spot of gardening, and let these two get on with it."

And that's just what he did.

See you all on Tuesday, after Easter Monday.

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March 25th 2005

Confusing optical illusion pictures! Large image

"Fredcat, have you bought your best human friend, Cathie, an Easter Egg?" enquired Mr. B. Frankly, he was certain the Mighty One had done no such thing and he wanted the latter to do a bit of pre-Easter grovelling. "An Easter egg for Cathie ..." repeated Fredcat, his golden eyes widening in horror. Gulp! went his little throat as he carefully considered his reply. "I take it this is considered usual?" he asked, his little feline voice quivering.

"I'm not sure that she wants an Easter egg," he added, weakly, and then, with more bravado, "and don't think you'll be getting one from me - after all, isn't chocolate rather fattening!" And here he dug the Grumpy One in his (expanded) ribs, receiving a sharp "Ouch!" in return.

"My dear Fredcat," said Mr. B., with aplomb (and after recovering his breath), "it's all an illusion. You know that chocolate is good for you - in moderation," he added, lest the Mighty One should start snorting with disbelief. (It was well known in the Fredcat residence that no sooner was a bar of chocolate opened, than it deteriorated into a crumpled piece of coloured paper - courtesy of Mr. B.)

"An illusion, you say," said Fredcat, "well, I bet you can't work out what's happening here! Me, I think the Vasarely Illusion is cobs of fun!" And he directed the Grumpy One to this web page of optical illusions. The Grumpy One soon became so absorbed in trying to fathom out what was happening on the website that he even stopped playing his nightly game of Freecell! Fredcat left him to it but, once out of sight, he thought that buying an Easter egg on such short notice presented logistical problems that even a Famous Cat would find difficult to overcome.

But then he hit upon a solution that might just work .... "How about a purchase over the intawebs?" he asked himself, "That would do it!!!" And he quickly delved into the myriad of websites offering to send edible goodies to the Fredcat residence. Would there be time? He didn't know the answer to that one, but he needn't have worried as Cathie came into the study and told him she was more interested in The Famous One ceasing his occasional sneezing. "That would be the BEST Easter present," she added. And Fredcat teased her by giving a little sneeze of delight. She was a very good human friend, indeed.

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March 24th 2005

Sharpening claws! Large image

Following three wonderfully sunny days the heavens broke and Fredcat was incarcerated indoors. He was not a happy feline. He had food to consume and claws to sharpen. Today his best human friend, Cathie, didn't have to get to work quite so early and the humans had decided to make a later start. As a consequence, Fredcat had an awful time trying to persuade the Grumpy One to get the Fredcat breakfast on time and the former sulked all morning by the front door watching the rain lashing down.

He decided to occupy himself by reading the intawebs - and he saw a wonderful device! It was an alarm clock that literally ran away and hid after you used it for the first time, so when it woke you on day two you just had to get out of bed to find it before you could turn it off. "This will never catch on," said Fredcat, "the Grumpy One will soon find a way around that idea. Which is a pity because it sounds like a great idea!"

But then he brightened. Soon it will be the weekend; tomorrow will be Good Friday when a lot of people have a day off from work and stay home. Fredcat was pleased that Cathie would be home from work as that meant that there would be plenty of time to sidle up to her and stress the importance of a home-cooked Easter Sunday turkey dinner - a treat indeed for the Mighty One!

But Fredcat was to be disappointed once more. "We've been invited to share an Easter Sunday meal with Jane," announced Cathie, "and as you dislike travelling so much, we will have to leave you at home. We'll make sure that the house is at a comfortable temperature, but we might be late back. You needn't wait up for us."

"But that's impossible," wailed Fredcat, "I'll never be able to sleep soundly if you're out gallivanting. What if anything should happen to you? What would I do without you? Oh, no! I'll be at the kitchen door the moment you walk back inside the Fredcat residence, and I'll be checking to discover just what goodies you've brought back for me!"

Hmmmm. That's food for thought, indeed!

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March 23rd 2005

Artistic cat! Large image

This was amazing! For the third day in a row the weather was sublime. Fredcat was hardly to be seen. He was making up for all those days spent indoors during the winter snows and sub-zero temperatures. "Is that all you're going to do all day - just loaf around?" demanded Mr. B., "I think you should pull your weight around the Fredcat residence and do something useful to brighten the place up."

He continued, "See, look across the road at the activity of one of our good neighbours - he's doing some artistic planting in front of his residence. And all you can do is stroll around the Fredcat garden, sniffing and nibbling at the leafy flowers and plants and finding the best place to settle down for a lengthy kip. Shame on you, Fredcat!"

The Famous One bristled. Literally. "I've been doing a lot of thinking, artistic thinking, if you must know," he huffed, "and I'd like you to consider some design work for my website - redefining my name, if you like. Look at this website, they have some great ideas on how individual letters can be presented. All you have to do is type in your own name (or mine - Fredcat the Famous) and you'll be presented with whatever you typed in in the form of a collection of very interesting alphabetic pictures. Try it and see!"

But Mr. B. was not impressed. "I hope that you're not thinking of going into business with this hare-brained scheme," he said, crossly, "because while you've been dreaming away, someone around here has been trying to replace a broken light bulb. It's right over the place where your food bowl is positioned and without a proper light source you won't be able to inspect minutely (and reject) your evening meals."

"Wrong again," said Fredcat, stifling a yawn of boredom, "cats may not be able to see in total darkness, but their night vision is much better in dim light than that of their human companions. And as you had the good sense to refill my food bowl before the bulb went out I shall now saunter off and leave you to amuse yourself with the alphabetical pictures website." And no sooner said than done - off the Mighty One went, to dream of more artistic matters.

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March 22nd 2005

Sneezing Fredcat! Large image

Two lovely days in a row and Fredcat just knew that winter had turned into spring at last. Yesterday was the first "official" day of spring and Fredcat just lapped it up and lazed around all day. When Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, came home from work there was no sign of Fredcat. He simply strolled in an hour later just when Cathie was beginning to suspect the worst of Mr. B.

"I've had a wonderful day," he said, "not too hot and not too cool. The front garden is in good shape with all these daffodils in bloom and it's great to be able to lie down in the front shrubbery and have a good long sleep." He rubbed his eyes and sneezed - just the once. It was a very loud sneeze and everyone and everything within reach jumped.

"Hey, stop that!" said Cathie, in alarm, "Your sneeze is way too much for a little kitten." But Fredcat didn't immediately reply. He simply sneezed again. "I'm sorry," he said at last, "I reckon there must be some residual pollen floating around and I must have inhaled it when I was sleeping in the shrubbery.

Mr. B. came jumping in from the living room. "What's going on?," he cried in alarm. "It's Fredcat," cried Cathie, "he's started sneezing again. I'm sure it's the spring pollen getting to him, can't you stop him?" she implored. But the Grumpy One clearly didn't believe Cathie for a moment. "You're making this up," he said, suspiciously. "Don't try to cover up whatever nonsense he's up to, you're far too sweet on him as it is."

But then Fredcat gave an almighty sneeze and one of Cathie's pictures (or "works of art", as she called them) fell off the wall with a clatter. "Told you so!" she said, smugly, and went over to comfort the Famous Feline. "No more of this or it's the v*t for you," she warned. And Fredcat fell silent at last. That threat obviously worked!

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March 21st 2005

Purring is a cat's secret weapon Large image

It was a gorgeous day and Fredcat was taking full advantage of the opportunities afforded him for napping outside. In fact he was not seen around much at all, and Mr. B. wondered whether he'd gone off exploring. "You needn't worry about that," commented Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "he'll soon come when the hunger pains start to strike!"

And appear he did, making a bit of a fuss as he did so. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier," he groused, "It's so easy to sleep in on a Sunday, you know, especially when I've a hard week ahead. Sleeping is very easy for me, but keeping up my strength with regular intakes of grub is critical to my sustained good health." Someone was clearly in a bad mood.

Cathie quickly saw to it that a new packet of fresh red meat was opened and Fredcat greedily tucked in, grudgingly saying things like, "This is quite good," and "I'll try this tomorrow as well." Soon the Fredcat insides were sated and he sat licking himself clean - as cats do.

Cathie picked him up and asked him if he wasn't overtaxing himself with all this famous cat activity in his life, but Fredcat commented that it was his job to be famous and anyway he quite liked the fact that people liked to pet him, purely because he was The Famous One! He started to purr - loudly.

"How do you do that?" asked Cathie, "I'm sure that after all these years living in the Fredcat residence with we humans, you can tell us how you make this purring sound." But Fredcat merely grinned, and increased the volume control on his purrs.

"I'm afraid that's a trade secret," he said, "There are all sorts of theories floating about but I can tell you one thing, we cats purr both when we are happy and also when we are unhappy. Now there's a puzzle for you - you can never figure out our emotional state from our purring. In fact, it's been said that cats don't have emotions at all! But we know better, don't we?" and he snuggled into Cathie's arms, and recommenced purring - but more softly this time ...

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March 19th 2005

Presenting .... Video cats! Large image

Fredcat was still hankering after a webcam (or output from a camcorder) in the Fredcat residence to show the world just how smart he was. But his best human friend, Cathie, was not to be budged. "I'm sorry Fredcat," she said, "a webcam is a waste of time unless you're going to be sitting in front of it, utilising its potential to the maximum, for hours at a time, every day."

"You choose to sleep in so many different places in the Fredcat residence, and when the weather is warm you're out hunting down mice - a webcam would be a total waste. So there!" And Fredcat's little feline heart sank because he really wanted a webcam. He knew that he wouldn't be the first cat to appear in one but he wanted to be the first Unofficial State Feline to have his very own webcam.

"Lookee here," he replied, "just look at these cats in this video. Their best human friends have camcorders and they've sent in films to be presented to the world at large - just watch these cats and tell me what you think!" And soon the Mighty One and his best human friend were seated in front of Cathie's PC watching the short film. Cathie laughed at the stupid and unfortunate antics of the cats. She was nearly coming around to the idea of a Fredcat webcam/camcorder until Mr. B. strolled in from the garden and remarked that those felines were clearly not very bright.

"Our Dr. Ken has always stated that cats are 99% hardware and 1% software and, after watching that film, I have to agree with him!" he said. And, to be fair, Fredcat had to concur - but he wasn't going to give in without a fight. "Oh, yes, Mr. B., we all know how you feel about felines," he said, with vigour, "what's this about sending a pest control man around to my residence?!"

"What?!?!?!" asked Cathie, horrified, and Fredcat continued, "The pest control man was looking for me all the time! I had to hide deep in the shrubbery until he had gone. Mr. B.'s idea of pests is just a euphenism for Frecat extermination! No way am I going to agree to that!" He was so upset that Cathie had to spend a lot of time explaining that the "pests" that the pest control man was looking for were, in fact, termites - not Unofficial State Felines. She gave Fredcat a special hug and glared at Mr. B. so much that he retreated into the garden. "Cats! Pfffft," he muttered, on his way out ...

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March 18th 2005

Snowflakes One, Two, Three! Large image

Today was cold. Unlike yesterday when the rain fell relentlessly, the air was simply chilled so Fredcat wisely stayed inside. He reminded himself of his previously made promise to wake the Grumpy One nice and early and he was pleased when a rapid succession of ten loud "meows" and a couple of head-butts at 6am proved sufficient to do the trick. Fredcat then piled on the misery by demanding a second, different, plate of cat food, claiming (with some justification) that the first offering had "gone off". The Grumpy One was not pleased.

"I'm not sure why you always get me to do this early morning feeding lark," he complained, "why don't you needle your best human friend, Cathie, and get her to do the honours?" Fredcat looked at Mr. B. in amazement and replied, "But I have a long standing instruction from Cathie never to wake her unless it's an absolute emergency. Anyway, it's well known in the Fredcat residence that you're a morning person - so you're "it", as far as feeding duties are concerned. And, please, stop this moaning. It is most unbecoming"

Before Mr. B. could firm up a suitable riposte (which would be a waste of breath, thought Fredcat) the Famous One looked out of the window and said, "I do believe that it's snowing again." And so it was. "Dear me," said Fredcat, "Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day and there were a lot of celebratory parades being held all over Ireland. And in the US as well, since there are many immigrants from the Emerald Isle (not the one in North Carolina!) living here now. I hope it didn't snow on their parade."

Later, Cathie showed Fredcat a copy of an important notice that she'd found somewhere. "This is a photocopy of a news bulletin," she said, "I've no idea how I came to have it but I'm sure it's all true. It's called OUTTAKES by Tim Rickard and reads as follows:..."

"An alleged snowflake has been reported falling in an undisclosed county in North Carolina. The governor has declared a state of emergency, and residents are encouraged to make bread and milk runs, close businesses and schools, and generally drive like maniacs on the roads, crashing randomly into other vehicles ..."

"I don't believe that at all," said Fredcat, "I know it's cold and a bit snowy and I intend staying inside all day but it would take more than one snowflake to cause that." He thought very hard for a moment or two until a bright light showed in his eyes, "Actually, it would take at least nine snowflakes," he said with a chuckle. This was his magic number as you all know. And he was right!...

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March 17th 2005

Webcamera-wishing cat! Large image

Fredcat was having a discussion with his best human friend, Cathie "Do I need to spice up the presentation of my intaweb site?" he enquired, thoughtfully. "You are, after all, my Vice President of Everything, and I need something new for my readers." He seemed quite concerned.

"Fredcat, you have a nice little readership, who seem to like you," replied Cathie, pragmatically, "why spoil things by introducing tacky gadgetry or obvious selling ploys that may amuse for a couple of days but then become boring?"

Fredcat gazed at her, astonished. "But aren't you aware that there are these clever webcam things. Now that could be very interesting. I could get you to set it up so that I could be filmed and I could then rush around and watch myself on the TV! A Fredcat the Famous webcam!!"

"Noooooo ... It doesn't work like that," countered Cathie, "websites with webcams can be infuriatingly uneventful. You realise that by the time you ran to the TV (or more likely the PC on my desk) you would no longer be in front of the camera so you wouldn't see anything, no matter how quickly you sped."

"See here, there's a Web Cam, set up to show a cat's food bowls at regular intervals of the day. The idea is that interested parties will be able to watch the cat in residence eating. But all one sees, realistically, is the food bowl - mostly unchanged, sometimes some of the food has been eaten, but rarely (if ever) does one see the cat in residence. You'd be far better off acquiring a Cat-Sitting DVD that you could watch while I'm out at work!"

"But I'm usually too busy sleeping, to gawp at DVDs when you're out, no matter how interesting they might be," complained the Mighty One, "I need to be in tip-top form for when you come home so that we can chat together, you can unwind while I tell you about my day while Mr. B. makes you a cup of tea." What a kind hearted cat! And that put an end to further discussion of a Fredcat the Famous webcam ...

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March 16th 2005

Charitable cat! Large image

Fredcat looked at Mr. B. and laughed, "What were you thinking of?" he chuckled, "you've got the date of the UK budget all wrong. It's happening today, Wednesday, not on Tuesday!" And he grinned hugely at the Grumpy One's discomfiture. I'm sure that Budget day used to be on a Tuesday," frowned Mr. B., "it was always on a Tuesday. Perhaps I was thinking of Red Nose Day?"

"Nope, that was last weekend," snorted Fredcat, "and it was a very successful charity fundraiser, as usual. Now what's gone wrong with your famed ability of accuracy? I can only think that you stayed in bed far too long this morning. Never mind, I'll help you to deal with that problem tomorrow morning so that it won't occur again." And Fredcat gave a little smile and went into the garden.

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, watched this exchange with wry amusement and commented, "I think, Mr. B., that you should take a leaf out of Humphrey the cat's book. Now there was a cat that remembered everything. He certainly knew which cat food he liked and never forgot which grub was which. Why don't you go on a memory training course?"

"I bet you wouldn't like it if I really became totally absent-minded," said Mr. B. later, "who then would look after you two and feed you both and keep the house clean? I could easily forget how to do these things you know," and he started to sulk in the most childish manner. But he needn't have worried, as Cathie quickly brought forth a large bar of milk chocolate and suddenly the Grumpy One remembered just how much he liked the stuff. Happy man!

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March 15th 2005

Budgetary cat! Large image

"What would you be doing right now if you were back in the UK?" enquired Fredcat, as he lazed on the desk of his best human friend, Cathie. Cathie looked at him in surprise as Fredcat seldom mentioned his country of birth, much preferring to discuss the contents of his feeding bowl. "Pretty much as I am doing now," she replied, "going to work, coming home, watching the evening TV, reading books, going on my computer. Very dull."

"But there's something very special happening today in the old country," commented Mr. B., "it's Budget Day in the UK, the day when everyone gets to see what's the new distribution of money and wealth amongst ordinary folk. It usually takes the Chancellor of the Exchequer about an hour in Parliament to tell everyone what taxes are in store for them during the next twelve months."

"And then it's all blah, blah, blah as the rest of the country try to get him to change the taxes to suit themselves - but he never does," chipped in Cathie, with a touch of sarcasm (which was quite unlike her). "I wish I were the Chancellor, I'd change a few things, I can tell you!"

As usual, Fredcat completely ignored Cathie's interests and concentrated on his own thoughts. "I think that I would definitely make some financial changes," he said firmly. "The first thing to go would be taxes on cat food - indeed, on any food that cats like. That way I'm sure that my diet would soon include more best beef, instead of its being limited to the occasional treat. Cats are very important to society and taxes on essential items like cat litter trays, cat toys and cat food would have to go."

Fredcat was beginning to warm up. "Every house would be provided with a three piece leather suite (replaceable annually, at the government's expense) so that cats would have something decent to scratch. And no d*gs! And free visits to, and treatment at, vet offices! And free throws (with pictures of cats on 'em, of course) on all beds and chairs so that a cat can fall asleep in comfort wherever he wants to, and ... " but Mr. B. thought that this reverie had gone far enough and, snapping his fingers, brought the Precious One back to earth. Ah, well. A cat can dream, though ...

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March 14th 2005

Allergy season cat! Large image

"Do you realise that we are again coming up to the season when we get oodles of pollen falling?" commented Fredcat. "Last year it seemed to rain pollen for weeks, everything was soon covered in a yellow mist. If one left one's car outside anywhere near trees, the windscreens had to be washed before one set off, though as the only time it affected me was when I was subjected to a v*t visit I'm rather ambivalent about the whole pollen thing, me."

"Have you finished opining?" retorted Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "You're lucky you don't end up with runny, watery eyes every spring. This pollen really affects me, I can tell you, quite apart from how much it dirties my car."

"Do you think that I'm allergic to pollen?" said Fredcat, completely ignoring Cathie's own plight - as was his wont. "As pollen eventually settles at ground level and I have to stroll around quite near that level myself, perhaps that is the reason I have terrible sneezing sessions!" He looked hopefully for sympathy at Cathie but she was reading something on the intaweb and he was duly ignored.

"See here, Fredcat," she said, "there's a company here that's attempting to breed hypoallergenic cats?! Some humans are very allergic to cats - a shame, but it's true nonetheless. Even one of your many guestbook admirers has to admire you from a distance because she is allergic to felines."

At this, the Grumpy One just had to butt in. "I sympathise completely with such people, I've come to realise over the years that I have a huge allergy to one particular ginger and white cat but unfortunately there's no known cure for this allergy." And he mentally gave himself a pat on the back for his wit.

This comment did not go unpunished. "Your problem is that you never grew up with a cat in your household," said Cathie, "if you'd been properly brought up you'd be a much kinder person." And she snapped her fingers as she remembered something. "But I will allow you one point - Fredcat also has an allergy. His allergy is to grumpiness in general and for one Grumpy Person in particular who's forgotten his feeding time. Fredcat has never had an allergic reaction to being fed tuna so I think you should hop to it and open that can there for the Famous One." And the Grumpy One smartly obeyed ...

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March 12th 2005

Considerate and Caring Cat! Large image

Mr. B. was reading Fredcat's mail to him; a task both of them enjoyed. Fredcat himself lay on the desk, almost half asleep, letting others do the work as usual, while the Grumpy One was able to whizz through the daily mail so that he could get on with playing his favourite Freecell game.

"This email from Zu-Zu and her best human friend, Devon, is very sad, isn't it?" said Fredcat, "it appears that Zu-Zu has a number of serious medical problems and everyone is, quite naturally, very worried." He looked at Mr. B. and coughed ever so slightly and posed a rather delicate question. "Do you think everything will be alright?"

Mr. B. looked around wildly for Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, but she was nowhere to be seen. This conversation was threatening to take an awkward turn and Mr. B. desperately needed a female viewpoint. But Cathie was nowhere to be found and he found himself having to respond to an unspoken metaphysical question that he himself, had failed to grapple successfully with at any stage of his own life. "It's ... difficult to say from a distance," he replied, cautiously.

But that didn't cut it at all. Fredcat looked at him and persisted, "Exactly what happens when one gets old - like y..." But here he stopped, becoming embarrassed in his turn. The Grumpy One smiled and thought, that when the mood took him, Fredcat didn't exactly beat around the bush. He replied, "Look here, as far as I know, every living thing on earth has a timespan but no living thing likes to think about it. Hasn't Cathie spoken to you about this?" he added hopefully. A shake of a ginger head realised his worst fears.

"It's up to you to live your life to the full whatever the circumstances; remember, even when things look black you can be sure that there is always a silver lining, somewhere. There is always someone who loves you," he added, and then breathed a huge sigh of relief as Cathie walked in. "Go and talk to her," he said, "like all best human friends, she is full of understanding and will comfort you whenever you feel blue." And Fredcat nodded, thinking about his friends, silently admitting that optimism was the watchword. And he was content with that, especially when Cathie reminded him that he was still only five years old! But, it must be said, he still found himself thinking of Zu-Zu during the day ...

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March 11th 2005

Drycleaning is only for humans! Large image

Mr. B. had quickly driven off to the nearest dry cleaners, carrying some clothes. "What's the rush?" demanded Fredcat, "that's the first real burst of speed I've seen him put on in ages."

Cathie sighed and said, "He is a bit of a clumsy clot. There he was, talking excitedly about the evening out he was planning and he was showing me his new suit. I don't know why he wanted to do that, it's just like every other suit he's ever owned, a black or dark blue affair with buttons down the jacket front. The suit was new, and he made the mistake of trying to drink a cup of coffee at the same time - with disastrous results."

"So now it's off to the dry cleaners hoping they can fix it before this evening." Cathie sighed. "If they cannot clean it in time, he will have to wear his old suit."

Fredcat looked at her, his puzzlement evident. "It's amazing how you humans have to rely on external add-on clothing every day of your lives," he said, "at least I don't have to change my clothes every day; spend a little time grooming myself, just like my mum taught me - and I'm done! If it's hot I lie down until it's cool and if it's cold I sit my the fire. No cumbersome wardrobes for me!"

"But don't you wish you had a new set of fur to wear on special occasions?" asked Cathie, "perhaps a nice all-over black, very becoming for an evening stroll in the moonlight." Cathie was clearly in a romantic mood, and Fredcat was reminded of earlier days when the thought of chasing after a female feline was often uppermost in his mind.

"I think that female felines have a different set of values," quoth our famous feline, "they're not strongly attracted to male feline fur colour, they apparently like our masculinity and strength." He arched his manly back, whilst Cathie hid a smile. "Well it takes all sorts," she agreed, "but I think you will have to eat your breakfast right now to get your strength up for the day's battles with the Grumpy One. Off you go!" And he did!

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March 10th 2005

Timekeeper cat! Large image

Over the years, Mr. B. had slowly turned from an urbane fellow (or so he says!) into a Proper Grumps (or so Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, firmly avers). Fredcat knew Cathie said this in a kindly way, hoping to have the Grumpy One's perform a U-turn on his path of grumpiness, but the latter found it all rather hard going. "The problem is," said Mr. B. "that I used to love getting up in the morning around 7am, but it's getting harder to do that every day."

He continued, "The main problem is the Fredcat timing mechanism. His days seem to be getting slightly shorter every day. For example, he started to nudge me awake at 6.45am and then it slowly advanced to 6.30am and now it's around 6am and if I don't immediately get up he scampers up and down my face, hissing and sneezing until I have litttle option but to do what he wants. I am currently losing an hour of sleep each day and I can't make it up!"

Cathie was unsympathetic, horribly so. "Lookee here Mr. B., it's entirely your fault. If Fredcat wakes you early, just say no, and turn back to sleep. It works for me every time." She smiled complacently as if that was the end of the matter, but the Grumpy One was just getting into his stride. "Fredcat also used to have his afternoon tea when you came home from work, when it was getting dark. But he has now worked on this timing thing and I had to set an absolute bar for his tea at 3pm - and no earlier!"

"And despite my resolve in this matter," he continued, "I've just realised that I gave him his afternoon high tea today at 1.45pm! 1.45pm!! This is absurd! He'll want another tea at 5pm at this rate, it's simply adding an extra meal to his regime. And if I don't give in he just sits there and glares, and promises to tell tales to you as soon as you arrive home from work. This is not on at all!" And the Grumpy One stomped around the room for a bit.

"Firmness is what you need, don't take any notice of him and he will do as you want," Cathie replied. At this, Mr. B. smiled for a change. This was the message of support he wanted to hear! But his pleasure soon turned to dismay as he realised that Cathie was actually speaking to Fredcat and not to him, alas. Times were going to be very hard over the next few days. Yes, indeedy.

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March 9th 2005

Climbing cat! Large image

The day had started out badly and had become progressively worse as the winds and rains lashed down. The bad weather lasted until the early afternoon and Fredcat was beginning to become a little stir crazy - this was a cat who needed his daily trot around the garden of the Fredcat residence and rain was always a big no-no, in his opinion.

When the rain had finally ceased, Mr. B., accompanied by the intrepid Fredcat, had ventured out to inspect the damage. There were broken branches everywhere and several trees had split asunder leaving a mess for the Grumpy One to clear up. "That's one tree you won't be clambering up again," exclaimed Mr. B., pointing to a monster lying on its side.

Fredcat bristled, "I rarely find the need to climb trees," he cried, smugly, "I have seen what dangers one can get into if one attempts activities like that. I remember my mentor Forby, - he would climb anything he could find, trees, windows, rooftops, anything! Yes, indeed, he could climb trees with ease but, even though he was an indoor/outdoor cat with a fine sharp set of claws, he couldn't get down easily, much to his embarrassment. He was forced to resort to meowing - very loudly! - for human assistance. That taught me a good lesson."

"You see, I got to thinking about Forby after reading this news item about a cat that decided to climb a tree and couldn't get down after four days - he was an indoor cat who had been declawed" said Fredcat. "Luckily for him, a human did manage to rescue him - only to become trapped himself, thereby needing the fire department to come and rescue him!"

"Sound a bit far-fetched, in my opinion," muttered the ever-sceptical Mr. B. "I can't imagine anyone allowing a cat to be trapped in a tree for four days. That would be horrible. Are you sure there even was a cat involved? I bet it was a human who had trapped himself and was too embarrassed to confess, so he made up the story about the cat." And Mr. B. hurrumphed loudly ....

But Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, assured the Grumpy One that the tale was true, and the latter fell silent (although it must be said that he did like the words of the Assistant Fire Chief, who'd said, ""Cats will come down out of the trees eventually. You don't see any skeletons of cats up in trees.")

Cats and their best human friends make formidable foes and Mr. B. went off to make a cup of tea while the Famous One went back to bed and dreamt of being Fredcat (SuperCat) the Famous, saving female felines from giant oak trees! SUPERFRED!!!

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March 8th 2005

Jealous Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat had had a good day. The weather was unseasonably warm so the central heating had been turned off, and the front door to the Fredcat residence had been left open, "to let in some fresh air," said Cathie. But in reality, it was to allow the Maestro to sit comfortably in the doorway to the outside world and watch the daffodils grow.

Later, Fredcat heard the Grumpy One's car returning from an outing. As soon as the door to the garage opened he smelt it. Cats! Other cats! OTHER CATS! Fredcat was furious. "What is going on?" he demanded, "You've been seeing other felines, you are covered with their distinctive feline odours, there are three of them, you've been picking them up and cuddling them - and you don't even look guilty!"

He continued his rant, "I wouldn't have been surprised if my best (up to now!) human friend, Cathie, had come in smelling like a feline menagerie, because that is how she is and I've got used to her ways, and I know she loves me best, but, but, but ... YOU !!!" It was clear that Fredcat was seeing the word TRAITOR tattooed on the Grumpy One's forehead. It was writ large and Fredcat was very, very upset.

"Stop ranting, let me come into the hall," said a startled Mr. B., "and I'll tell you all about it." Fredcat forced himself to listen. "It's like this," said Mr. B., "I have taken on the task of looking after some other cats while their folks are away. Their moggies have to be fed and watered, have their litter trays changed and so forth, and yes, they need to be given a little cuddle whilst their owners are absent. My word, it's bad enough looking after you while Cathie is at work but remember, these are good people and their cats don't mither me like you do, so let's be hearing less from you!" And the Grumpy One set about making himself a cup of tea.

"Are these cats as famous as I am?" demanded Fredcat, somewhat belligerently, "Cathie won't like it if you start taking up with other less famous felines." Mr. B. and Fredcat glared at each other. "Fredcat, you are the limit," the Grumpy One said finally, "I can understand your concerns but leave it be for once!" and he stomped upstairs to the study, allowing Fredcat to gorge himself on some excellent tuna which had been set down obligingly by the Grumpy One. "I suppose his heart is in the right place and he isn't that bad," muttered the sweetie One and set about his grub. Mmmm ...

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March 7th 2005

Wonderful felines! Large image

Fredcat turned to his best human friend, Cathie, and said, "I see that there's been another ginger cat in the news because he's been a life-saving hero (another one, other than I, of course)." He pawsed to groom himself a little before continuing, "It doesn't always have to be a ginger cat being the hero, but I have to say that I find it very comforting that another cat vaguely resembling me has been justly rewarded for an act of heroism." And he gave a broad smile of satisfaction to all present.

"Oh, yes. See here," he continued, "yup, it's all as reported here. This Stanley cat was alert enough to know when danger threatened and made sure that everyone was saved, even if he personally had to undergo treatment at the dreaded v*t's office later that night. I bet he gets a medal for that!" Mr. B. looked at Fredcat and thought that this moggie was very quick to jump on the reflected glory bandwagon when it suited him.

But Fredcat was not to be put off by the Grumpy One pulling faces at this revelation. "There are many tales of brave cats you know," he said. "Just like some humans who suffer great agonies without being blameworthy, the same thing can happen to the nicest of cats. Take this fellow feline, Duncan, he's had to have a leg amputated and he keeps smiling through both thick and thin."

"I know you have a good heart, admitted Mr. B., "I know you made sure you kept up the (British) Mother's Day tradition of making sure you had a nice long chat with Cathie. I know she really appreciates that more than anything! But you needn't go overboard with the hero schmaltz, she loves you just the same without unctuous flattery." Fredcat scurried over to the large English dictionary on the bookcase to find out what these words meant and thought that Mr. B. had been secretly taking advanced English lessons just to spite him.

"I know some words that you have forgotten completely. It's been ages since you used them," said Our Hero. "Impossible! What are they?" responded the Grmpy One, falling head first into the feline trap. And sure enough, Fredcat delivered the coup de grace without batting an eyelid, saying "Simple: The words are: "Come and have some of my best beef which I have been saving for myself, in fact you can have the lot!" GOAL!!!! Final score: 1-0 to the Famous One.

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March 5th 2005

Mothering Day moggie!! Large image

"Tomorrow (Sunday) is Mothering Sunday in Britain (from whence I hail), and (like last year) I shall spend the day wondering where my mother is," said Fredcat, "Even though I'm only five years old, I know (as Einstein explained) that time is measured differently at other places. I expect my mum is a lot older than my five years - she might even be 16 or 17 years old."

"If she were here right now I'd give her one of the only two daffodils growing in the Fredcat garden," he continued, "That's very special. I know that there are hundreds more yet to flower - but she would deserve the best!" he continued. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, who stood nearby, was agape at this display of affection. "What a considerate and kind-hearted cat he is," she thought.

Mr. B., however, was slightly less impressed. "I wonder what Fredcat is after now?" were his thoughts. "That cat has a most devious mind. Let me see now ..." and the Grumpy One went off to consult his list of Special Days. It must be admitted that his immediate thoughts were of the "Was there any connection between Fredcat's consideration for things maternal and his love for good food?" variety ...

And then he found it! Today, March 5th, was declared as Multiple Personality Day. "So that's it!" he smirked, "Well, two can play at this game." And he hurried inside the Fredcat residence and brought out the tuna-flavoured medication. "Lookee here, Fredcat," he said, "even though you are now officially cured, I've discovered a tiny drop of this goo which I think you should finish."

Cathie was appalled, "You are such a grumpy, grumpy person," she shouted, "leave that poor sensitive cat alone, do you hear?!", and she flung her arms protectively around her Sweet One. Nobody was going to hurt her Fredcat - or else ...

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March 4th 2005

Challenging times for a thumbless cat! Large image

"I saw that yesterday was officially designated as If Pets Had Thumbs Day. But it was also I Want You To Be Happy Day. These named days are getting quite out of hand, IMO" smirked Mr. B. - and promptly ducked (out of long habit) as missiles flew his way. "There does seem to be an awful lot of these "named" days," agreed Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "I'm sure they are not all official."

She continued, "It used to be the case that we had about ten or so days of the year which had special titles, like New Year's Day, May Day, and Easter Monday, but now we have a plethora of days," complained Cathie. "Most folk liked the old ways because it meant you could take a day off from work quite legally; it was part of one's contract." It was clear to Fredcat that days off from work were a special issue to Cathie, who liked the idea of breakfast in bed - supplied (of course) by Mr. B.!!.

"I propose that we go back even further," said Mr. B. "and start calling these days by a really useful set of names; names that are unforgettable - like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday..." And there he stopped, and continued practising his ducking and diving activities. "Stop that!" he remonstrated, "it's worse than being in an aerobics class."

Fredcat hurried to rescue the situation. "I have been reading about a cat called CB," he said, "who probably would have welcomed opposable thumbs during his recent road trip. I suppose ginger cats like me do these adventurous madcap things," he continued, "but he needn't have gone that far to gain notoriety. And why any cat gets into a car without coercion beats me; cars are horrible inventions, only justified in extremis."

"I think it's about time you had a day named after you," said Cathie, brightly, "we could call it Fredcat's (USF) Day. What do you think about that?" Fredcat was quite impressed and wondered what day of the year would be most appropriate for this. "I don't want it to be my birthday," he said, "October 4th is too far away. "I am not keen on having a Fredcat day in the winter months, either. And I don't want a conflict with other important days, like President's Day - I wouldn't want to put them in the shade," And he snickered, happily.

"I think it would be useful to get outside help," said Cathie, "and see what your Dear Readers think!" "Oh no!" said Fredcat panicking, "if you want to get a good decision you should never get a committee to work on it." "We'll see," said Cathie, and headed off to prepare tea for the Famous One.

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March 3rd 2005

Optically satisfactory cat! Large image

"It's time for you to go to visit the optician for your checkup," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. Fredcat stared at her. What?! He'd never had to see an optician (ophthalmic or otherwise) in his life and he could easily find his way around the Fredcat residence. He didn't need an eye test - after all he was only fift.. five years old and he could see perfectly well.

But he needn't have worried, Cathie's remark were addressed to Mr. B. and Fredcat gave a sigh of relief. He spoke up, " If I shut my eyes tight I will come with you in the car to see this place," he said at last. "I am really feeling a lot better and I need a trip out. I think it will be a bit of a laugh!"

And so the two of them drove to the opticians where Mr. B. was greeted as an old friend by the doctor's assistant, Monica. She introduced him to the ever excellent Dr. Charles W. who informed our friend that everyone in the doctor's offices read his diary. More Fredcat fans!

"Now, this first test is for depth perception," said Dr W - and Mr. B. passed it with flying colours. And this despite Fredcat remarking scathingly that "Mr. B. could hardly see to open my favourite tin of cat food without holding it well away from his face!"

"Now we need to test his vision," continued the doctor, and Mr. B. sat still whilst Dr. W. peered through various lenses to see if the Grumpy One's eyesight had changed. Then drops were placed in the corners of Mr. B.'s eyes (which he didn't care for, at all). "It made everything seem distorted for a while!" he said, "I'm sure that I am seeing things - everything is very very blurrrrrrryyyy ...."

Finally the good doctor pronounced himself finished and said, "Well, you appear to have had no deterioration in your general vision since last year, so you can continue to use those specs you have been wearing." This was a relief to the Grumpy One as he half expected to have to fork out for a new pair. He was so pleased!

Then the good doctor asked Fredcat if he wanted his eyesight tested. "Errr, no, I don't think so," said the Mighty One, "I don't fancy having blurred vision from having drops splattering all over my glow in the dark eyes, thank you very much." And with that ungracious comment he quickly hopped it back into the car, and hid under the passenger seat.

But not before checking to be sure that Mr. B. had distributed some Fredcat calling cards. Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, is our Fredcat!

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March 2nd 2005

Sub-zero temperature cat! Large image

"It's very cold out there again," remarked Fredcat, "so why are you going out?" Fredcat and Mr. B. peered out into the garden and saw that the daffodils seemed to have given up waiting for that chink of sunlight (which clearly wasn't going to materialise today) and had stopped growing. "I have to have my hair cut," said Mr. B., gloomily, "It's beginning to itch my scalp all over."

"I really don't understand you humans," said Fredcat, wryly, "Here we are, in the deep midwinter, and you want to shave your head of the remaining decent amount of hair you have left, while I, who has never had my hair trimmed, am doing all I can to fluff up my hair to keep me warm. I think you've got it the wrong way round, matey!"

Mr. B. thought that Fredcat had a point, but he knew that the barber was never busy on a midweek morning and he hated waiting around for his turn in the chair; he knew one could make a booking but he always forgot. "There's no point in my going to an expensive stylist just to shave this small chunk of hair each month," he said. And one look at Mr. B.'s dome was sufficient to convince Fredcat that Mr. B. was right on the nail (for once).

When Cathie came home she reported that it had been snowing again. "To be strictly true," she amended, "there were just a few snowflakes on my windshield. I originally thought they were apple blossom! My mistake. You watch - even those few flakes should ensure we have a power cut or two! You'll just have to produce your daily diary on an Etch-A-Sketch, methinks!" she remarked brightly. True to form, and right on cue, the power cut(s) arrived but they lasted for only half an hour but the caring electricity company made sure that power was restored just in time for Fredcat's daily diary dictation to be documented.

With the power restored and the intaweb connection re-established, Fredcat looked at the new sites and found one he thought was fascinating - the Infinite Cat Project. It's a seemingly endless series of photographs of cats looking at cats in the computer looking at cats in the computer looking at cats in the computer ... "Viewing that website makes me feel quite dizzy - as if I'm looking at a clip from the film 2001 A Space Odyssey," said Fredcat, but he just could not stop himself from clicking on Next Cat over and over and over again ....

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March 1st 2005

Adventuresome cat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had waved farewell to her week's well earned holiday and had regretfully driven off to work. Fredcat himself and Mr. B. were left to resurrect their battle stations! From the Fredcat viewpoint, it was pretty much as you were. Amazingly, either the spores from the mulch pile had given up polluting the Fredcat garden - and his nasal passages - or the medicine prescribed by the v*t was working.

Mind, the weather wasn't helping much. It was raining and it was very much on the cool side, and maybe this explained why the butler had politely opened the front door in the hope and expectation that Fredcat would take himself off for a couple of hours or so, but no dice.

"You'll have to get up earlier than that to catch me out," exclaimed Our Hero from half way up the stairs, "You're way too late, I've already taken a quick trot in the garden before I woke you this morning and I'm off back to that rumpled bed upstairs. Mr. B. clambered upstairs but was nowhere quick enough; Fredcat had already chosen a wonderfully warm section of the bed and was comfortably curled up. Mr. B. knew better than to attempt to lever Fredcat off that sleeping place; Fredcat rarely had occasion to use his claws but when he did: Oh, boy! Did they hurt!.

Why can't you be more adventuresome like some other cats I know," said Mr. B., crossly. "Look! Here's a cat who took a ride under an SUV. He is almost like a James Bond movie star - trying to infiltrate the villains' hideaway!"

"Or why don't you take up a hobby and create a nice art project like the best human friend of this cat. Edie and his human have become really famous over just one simple idea, when they produced a feline version of The Gates in New York's Central Park. All you think about, Fredcat, is your enduring fame, with no thought to the humans who feed and house you."

"But that's the point," said Fredcat smugly, "why should I do anything to bring fame and fortune to you, of all people, all you do is make snide comments and be grumpy - I've a good mind to live elsewhere!" At this Mr. B. blanched, thinking of Cathie's reaction to his turn of events. "Err, sorry, Fredcat," he said hastily, "Would you like some milk brought upstairs?" Fredcat smiled sweetly at Mr. B. Definitely One-Nil to the Famous One!

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