Welcome to Fredcat's diary - and checkout his tails later!

Friday, March 31st 2006 (number 777)

Despairing - and hungry - Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat had remembered that he had to say White Rabbits on Saturday (it being the first day of the new month, and all that) and he'd been practising diligently. His famous residence had been resounding with his cries and Mr. B. was beginning to get fed up with it. Indeed, he and Fredcat had had words about it until Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had stepped into the argument to cool matters down. "I need to have these words so firmly implanted in my mind that when I open my eyes on Saturday morning the phrase will come spilling out without my even thinking about it - and that will bring me good luck for ages and ages," the Famous One said, "I know that as a famous cat I have no fear for the future but one shouldn't take unnecessary risks, you know." His glare, on top of the one from Cathie, easily silenced the Grumpy One who retired, muttering, into the study.

Fredcat climbed into one of his round beds and was later awakened by Mr. B. "Come on, Fredcat you have to say the special words right now or all will be lost," said the Grumpy One, persuasively. Fredcat blinked and tried to focus his eyes. Normally he woke bright and alert but he felt rather weary and he wasn't in his usual alert mode right away. He waved a paw in the air, hoping to wave away the Grumpy One but, to his dismay, it didn't work. Now what was he supposed to say? He saw Mr. B. looking at him intently and then realised Mr. B. was trying to trick him into saying something other than ...

"White Rabbits!" he yelled, "WHITE RABBITS!!! Ha! I've got you, you can't fool me!" But something about Mr. B.'s face told him that all was not well. Mr. B. shook his head and quietly told Fredcat to come downstairs and look into the fridge. It was empty.

"Your incantations are clearly no good," said Mr. B. "We'll have to starve all day until we get in new supplies, I'm afraid." As he went out Fredcat could almost hear him chuckling - which was a tad surprising. Nevertheless, Fredcat quickly sought out Cathie and explained about the fridge and the lack of food (rubbing his tummy for emphasis).

Cathie frowned and, carrying Fredcat downstairs, fridge-wards, found Mr. B. cramming his mouth with chocolate covered biscuits. To the latter's credit, he owned up immediately, "April Fool," he said weakly.

Fredcat and Cathie looked at the calendar. "But it's still March 31st!" said Fredcat, "That's why I was so tired when you woke me. You're not permitted to play an April Fool's joke before April 1st, so it's a double penalty for you!" He stomped around a bit, now feeling both hungry and a tad annoyed.

Cathie grabbed the packet of biscuits from Mr. B. and said with a sweet smile, "I understand that you told Fredcat that you'd have to starve all day - so now you can. We're off to have a pair of nice juicy lamb chops at our favourite restaurant, so you can stay at home - and no sport on the big TV, either! And while you're at it, fix Fredcat's famous Guestbook - you haven't added the latest set of entries for quite a while, which is most unacceptable. I expect it all to be done by the time we get back." And off the two went.

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Wednesday, March 29th 2006 (number 776)

Champion Pooh-Sticks Fredcat! Large image

Although spring had officially arrived in North Carolina the weather wasn't that warm, but Fredcat girded his loins, fluffed up his famous ginger and white fur and bravely headed out to the great outdoors. He took the opportunity to sharpen his claws on the great oak tree outside the front door of his residence and looked for something to do. He'd been rather bored lately, just sitting around his residence waiting for the warmer weather to arrive, and it was then that his sharp eyes spotted several oak twigs lying on the ground. "I have it!" he cried, "I'll find a stream and play Pooh Sticks, but I'll need someone to play with. First things first - I have to find a stream - and a bridge as well." These requirements didn't take long to be sorted out as the North Carolinian landscape is littered with streams and some fine bridges. All he now needed was for Mr. B. to walk (or better still carry!) him to the nearest likely spot.

That proved easy, once his best human friend, Cathie, had thrown a small glare Mr. B.-wards and soon they were on their way. "Don't go by the roads, take me across the woods where there are no vehicles to worry me," ordered Fredcat. Luckily the bridge wasn't too far away and soon Mr. B. was participating in the game, albeit grudgingly. "It seems that I am quite good at this," smirked Fredcat, "I've won every single game, which (I have to say) isn't unexpected, given how utterly famous and talented I am."

But Mr. B. was tired and said so. "Look here, Fredcat, you're as fresh as a daisy and it's your game anyway, not mine, so I can't work up the enthusiasm for it like you. Carrying you all the way here was has fair tuckered me out, you may not be the heaviest cat in the world but even if you were the smallest feline it would still be a bit of a chore to carry you all this way. And I have to conserve my strength to take you back. If you want to take this game seriously you'll have to enter the Pooh Sticks world championships."

"If you don't fancy playing against humans, you could always try your luck with other animals," he continued, slyly, "There are loads of other creatures you could pit your wits against. Even d*gs!" Mr. B. knew that as soon as the words left his mouth Fredcat would rise to the bait. And, sure enough ....

"D*gs!" exploded Fredcat, "They have little nous, they simply copy commands without realising anything at all. I'm glad there are kind humans out there that look after canines - how else would they realise how smart we felines are without d*gs to compare us against?! Although, I have to admit, that last dog in the video was amusing." He turned to Mr. B. and quickly hopped onto his shoulders and settled himself comfortably. "Now, how many d*gs do you know who have the gumption to get a human to carry them about like this? And careful how you go, I want to arrive home in one piece. And quickly - I'm famished!"

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Monday, March 27th 2006 (number 775)

Mothering Sunday in the UK Large image

It was Mothering Sunday in Britain on March 26, and Fredcat was pensive. Because the distance between him and his mother was significant (over 4,000 miles), and despite the fact that his relatives were by now scattered far and wide, he thought that his best approach to Mother's Day would be to send a Mother's Day message to his mum via the intawebs. Assisted by Mr. B., he laboriously composed a message in the hope and expectation that some kind human or other would pass it along, in case his mum didn't have the interwebs. "It would be really tough if my many siblings delivered their messages in person and my mum ended up ignoring me because I'd left the country for good," he mewsed, unhappily. "But I dare say that not many of them would be capable of sending their greetings over the intawebs. It's very sophisticated, you know. Not every cat can use it." He brightened up and continued his dictation until all was done.

When he'd finished he went in search of his best human friend, Cathie. She was reading a Mother's Day card she'd received from her son, David, when the telephone rang - it was David, on the line from England. Fredcat waited patiently whilst Cathie chatted happily away.

Later, he cornered her asking, "Come off it, we're all US citizens now and we should be celebrating the American Mother's Day, in May. You'll end up with the best of both worlds and manage another special day in May, if I know you." He was a tad grumpy because, secretly, he missed not having a Mum that he could chat to.

"That's the way the cookie crumbles," said Cathie, not at all upset. "Look, Fredcat, each year we have this self same conversation. I don't mind getting double dibs on Mother's Day. Anyway, you know Mr. B. says he's far too smart to fall for that wheeze." Actually she felt a little guilty as Mr. B. had indeed fallen for it on two occasions; luckily for her his memory wasn't all that good!

"Huh - he's bound to forget," said Fredcat wryly, "All he's interested in nowadays is getting over some stiffness of his joints. It's probably a touch of arthritis, methinks. Thinking about that makes him forget all sorts of things - like filling my food bowls regularly." He walked around in a circle twice as if unsure where to go or what to do next.

Finally, he looked at Cathie, "Well at least your memory is as good as ever - so how about some of that nice steak you've been saving up for a decent meal? And I would appreciate it if you would persuade Mr. B. to carry me downstairs. He may think he's got arthritis but you may not have realised it but my joints are getting very stiff nowadays and climbing stairs is getting to be a big problem. I think I need to be carried everywhere from now on."

Cathie looked at Fredcat but he stared back, unblinkingly. He might just be telling the truth. Or he might be milking the situation for his own ends. Hmmm ...

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Friday, March 24th 2006 (number 774)

Computer confusion! Large image

Mr. B. was typing away furiously at the Fredcat PC. Whether he typed quickly or slowly the result was always the same - lots of typing mistakes. Fredcat was a tad annoyed at this; he had to stop dictating for lengthy periods whilst Mr. B.'s error correction process took place. It was laborious work for the both of them. "If I don't make the corrections now, whilst your words are still fresh in my head, then I'll never get hold of what you are trying to say when I come back to it later," the Grumpy One said, apologetically. He continued, "Sometimes I get so muddled I start to type everything backwards! Has that ever happened to you?" He needn't have asked because Fredcat usually kept himself aloof what he considered to be mundane matters, such as typing - his mind was so full of important concerns that the process of actually typing up his diary was simply an irksome nuisance.

"You know, Fredcat, I do believe you don't understand what's going on inside your PC at all", said Mr. B., "You just sit there pontificating but when one gets down to it you're really no smarter than the average human when it comes to understanding computers. Some of the coding is very hard to understand unless you really look hard at it." And Mr. B. looked smugly at Fredcat and watched him peering at an example of seemingly unintelligible computer coding.

Fredcat's best human friend came in, saw what Mr. B. was up to and gave him a sharp glare, temporarily silencing him. She turned to Fredcat and asked him how his arithmetic lessons were coming along. "I know you've had a lot of trouble over the years with adding and subtracting, and getting past the number nine," she said, gently, "so I've devised a plan that should get you on the road to dealing with two-digit numbers." Fredcat shrank at this, it sounded like he was going back to school and he sincerely felt he was too old to do that - whatever his age was ...

"I'm not sure I want to do that," he began, but Cathie persisted and promised him a very long session of chuck-a-chins, which was sufficient to overcome Fredcat's initial reluctance. He knew that, once started, Cathie was apt to go on to other pleasant activities and, if he played his cards right, he might end up having a very long sleep in her lap, which would be heaven.

"Now here's the deal," said Cathie, "You just sit right here and type in numbers when you're asked to do so, they're all single digit numbers - and you are given lots of encouragement. I've tried it - and scored 624 with my first go! I'm sure you can do a lot better than that!" But, alas, she reckoned without the Fredcat ability to thump the keyboard with several feline digits at the same time and soon a series of very low scores were displayed on the screen. Oh, dear.

"Never mind," said Cathie, "I'm sure you have more than enough brain power to compensate for your inability to hit a key or two easily." Fredcat agreed - but little did Cathie know that the Famous One had deliberately flunked the test. He didn't want her to know just how clever he really was. Clever (and secretive) cat!"

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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006 (number 773)

Springtime for Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat looked out of the front door which the butler had kindly opened for him. The butler said nothing but gave a small cough as butlers are prone to do. Fredcat turned his head 180 degrees and stared at him and said without blinking, "If you think I'm venturing out in that stuff you're very much mistaken, You can either leave the door open or close it over so that I can peek out but, for the time being, I'm staying in." The butler said nothing, but gently closed the door over, although in doing so he inadvertently closed it shut (which is what both parties to the conversation knew would happen). The butler silently glided into the kitchen area, turning up the controls of the central heating to really hot as he did so. Fredcat was pleased about the additional warmth but was a tad annoyed anout the closed door. Surely a famous feline such as he could be indulged some warmth on his back as he watched the world go by.

"Do you realise that it's the start of spring?" said Fredcat, "Though you wouldn't think so, to look outside." He stared gloomily at the dull weather from an upstairs window, thinking that it was a good thing that Mr. B. was in one of his keep warm phases and that the heating had been turned up high. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was not so happy and turned the fan on in the study while surreptitiously opening the window a smidgeon, in an effort to keep cool. "Do you also realise that the first day of spring is celebrated (if that's the correct word) on different days of the year in different parts of the world? I bet you didn't know that, Fredcat. No longer can we rely on knowing that March 21st is the first day of spring, though as far as I can see it's all a bit academic."

Fredcat shook himself and, gazing at Cathie, said in a quiet voice that he had read on the intawebs that a good friend of his, Humphrey, had died recently. "You know something? That very unassuming cat never really wanted to be famous at all; he had famosity thrust upon him. He had the good fortune to decide that his residence would be at Number Ten, Downing Street, London, England and he was initially welcomed by a succession of prime ministers as their mouser extraordinaire."

He continued, "Humphrey had the misfortune to be in situ when (if accounts are to be believed) a certain Prime Minister's wife took it upon herself to have him removed, despite all protestations to the contrary. That was tough for him. Although, on reflection, he probably had a better and more comforting existence with his new foster humans. I'm afraid that with my move to the US, I'd lost touch with him in later years."

Fredcat sighed. "I think I first met him when we were being asked to help out in the Staring contest. Of course, as the resident cat in a political household he was not able to participate in the solution to a Royal problem - protocol, you know. But I'll remember Humphrey as a nice unassuming feline, one of many such cats in the world." Fredcat twiddled his long ginger and white whiskers thoughtfully, shook his head and wandered off to see if the rain had stopped, leaving behind a sadder Cathie. She liked all cats, big and small, famous or not, and the loss of one so famous, even by default, made her enjoy the company of her five year old Fredcat all the more.

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Monday, March 20th 2006 (number 772)

Carousing Fredcat! Large image

The cat flap clattered more loudly than usual as Fredcat the Famous emerged into the kitchen, to be greeted by the humans. It was more like an inquisition than a greeting and Fredcat, apparently, was in no physical or mental shape for either form of welcome. Facing him was Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, arms crossed as she glared at her feline friend. "Where have you been?" she spluttered, but her question was met only by a loud Fredcat groan, his front paws shooting upwards to cover his ears. Mr. B. looked over Cathie's shoulder and said nothing, simply shaking his head sadly.

There was a long pause whilst Fredcat gathered his wits. "What day is it?" he asked at last. He squinted up at the cat calendar on the wall. "It can't be Sunday already! They said they'd have me back in my famous residence by Saturday morning, at the latest." He took a green beret off his head, looked at it in a puzzled manner, and placed it gently on the kitchen table.

He groaned again as Cathie looked at him in a less than pitying manner, saying, "It's not Saturday or Sunday, it's Monday afternoon; we've been in despair looking for you, we thought you'd been run over by a number 99 bus." Mr. B. coughed nervously and said, almost apologetically, "I don't think they have number 99 omnibuses here in the US. Perhaps something else distracted Fredcat."

The tales soon came out. Fredcat had met some very friendly Irish felines (they'd said they were related to him and that he had a lot of the Irish in him) and they persuaded him to try out some new potion they claimed to have invented. "We always try out something new on St. Patrick's Day, to be sure," they'd chortled, "And we think that you, as a famous moggie, ought to be the first to test this new concoction on Paddie's Day." They'd then brought forth a dish of brownish looking liquid (they'd said they called it Guinness, for no reason whatsoever) which seemed repulsive to Fredcat at first sight but his pride wouldn't let him show his distaste in front of such pleasant feline fellows.

"Of course I am pretty famous," he'd said, modestly (for Fredcat that was a pretty modest statement), "so I'll test out your little brown brew and tell you what I think about it." Events after that became a little hazy, Fredcat told Cathie, saying, "The drink was very bitter to start with but I got used to it after a while and it was soon vey nice; in the end I drank quite a lot of it."

"I do remember that after that there was a lot of carousing involved - though what form said carousing took is very vague to me. It seemed to include a lot of testing of potions in a number of very noisy places, a fair amount of dancing, and everything being very bright; there was lots of singing and caterwailling, and later on the lights became so bright that my eyes hurt - they're still hurting, in fact, and now my head hurts as well!"

He continued without pawsing, "If you don't mind, I think I need a bit of a lie down in my big box Christmas bed in my internal residence; I may be asleep for quite a long time," he added, quietly. And he was. Poor carousing Fredcat ...

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Friday, March 17th 2006 (number 771)

Intawebs are broken! Large image

The humans peered at the PC monitor, but t'was all to no avail. They could see all sorts of pretty pictures depicting Microsoft Windows and the PC even played some music but when they tried to log on to the intawebs all they got was a screen full of sorrow. The intawebs was definitely broken. "We were on this morning," frowned Mr. B., "because I was doing some work on it." Actually, he'd been looking at the latest sports results but he didn't let on to the others in the Fredcat residence; they usually got a bit peevish and took a dim view when he wasted time spent that way (their words, not his).

"Can you fix it," pleaded Fredcat, "I need to be able to complete my diary as soon as possible so I can get back to my screened porch, whilst the sun is still strong." He gulped. "Is this my fault? Has the popularity of my famous diary overloaded the intawebs?" He needn't have worried though, Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was soon at work and in no time at all she announced that the Fredcat PC was up and running and that the intawebs was fine.

Mr. B. was pleased. He was all at sea when it came to fixing electronic machines. "Thank goodness for our resident computing expert," he said with a sigh of relief, "Now I can go to my dental appointment with a smile." He sallied forth, but on his return was more than a bit downcast. I've got oodles of fillings to be done," he complained, "And the dentist even had the cheek to ask me if I had started to drink lots of sugary drinks! I told him no, but he was a bit disbelieving."

"Perhaps he was referring to all those chocolate bars you've been guzzling over the Christmas period?" suggested Fredcat, keeping well out of hand-swishing way. Actually, Fredcat said this from the safety of the cluttered underside of the dinette table and chairs; he'd found this an excellent place to be to play the game of Hunt Me Down when he didn't want to go to the v*t's office - Mr. B.'s mere mention of the word dentist had seen the Famous One vanish in a cloud of dust bunnies to the under dinette table haven.

"I was going to offer you some nice turkey for your evening meal - from a turkey that didn't come through the window," said Mr. B., grumpily, "But if you're going to be snide then you'll just have to take pot luck with these bits of cold chicken." That did it - Fredcat smartly emerged from under the dinette table, blew three dust bunnies off his famous ginger and white fur and nuzzled Mr. B. affectionately.

"I'm sure the dentist will be kind to you," he purred, and hoped that this display of affection would stand him in good stead later on. Duplicitous cat ...

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Wednesday, March 15th 2006 (number 770)

Optically challenged Fredcat? Large image

Mr. B. was preparing to go out and he told Fredcat to stay in the house whilst he was gone, "But don't answer any telephone calls. The telephone answering machine is working fine, now that we've had it fixed after your last attempts to be helpful." The Grumpy One need not have concerned himself with that unhelpful piece of advice for Fredcat had no intention of answering the telephone - his main aim was to seek out the screened porch once more and kip there for the rest of the day. "Where are you going?" he asked, and immediately regretted his words. Mr. B. was sometimes very talkative when it came to chatting about himself but when it came to talking about other topics he was almost mute.

"I"m off to have my annual eye test at the local optician's," he said, "It's interesting to see all the new gadgets they use nowadays to test one's eyes. Science has come a long way in the last hundred years."

"Is that how old you are?" said Fredcat, snidely, and skipped neatly aside as Mr. B. swished a playful hand in his direction. "Will you come home with some more spectacles that you can lose around the Fredcat residence?" Another swish and another neat sidestep followed.

"I'm hungry," said Fredcat, "So before you go I hope you'll do the honours and fill my food bowls. I'm not going to be conned like yesterday by your telling me it's another pi day. I was really looking forward to picking out some juicy bits of steak and I don't appreciate such puns, thank you very much."

"How about some nice rich pudding for a change," offered Mr. B., "Personally I love the stuff, especially with hot custard or ice cream. Or how about a slice of apple pie?" But it was obvious from Fredcat's wrinkled nose than none of the above would suffice.

When Mr. B. finally came home he announced to all and sundry that his eyesight was perfectly normal (for his age!) and he wouldn't be needing new prescription glasses. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was less enthusiastic, "You may have been told your eyesight is great but your memory is less than perfect. You forgot to buy that extra pint of milk I asked for!" and she gave the Grumpy One a bit of a glare which brought him down to earth. Fredcat was just about to jump on the band wagon when he espied his fully replenished food bowls, so he left the humans to bicker between themselves whilst he filled his insides. Lucky (and permanently hungry) cat!

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Monday, March 13th 2006 (number 769)

Wonderful weather for sunning! Large image

The weekend had flown by. From Friday to Sunday the weather had been marvellous. On Friday morning Fredcat had looked pointedly at the screened porch until Mr. B. had relented and opened the door a crack. That was all the encouragement the Mighty One needed. He slipped through the opening and was soon sniffing out every corner. The summer furniture was there, the cushions (though a tad musty) were in place and Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had even piled two cushions onto one chair for Our Hero's benefit. Within minutes Fredcat had chosen his sleeping place and was soon in dreamland. The humans shrugged their shoulders and soon crept away: this was the Fredcat of old - no sneezing, no ignoring perfectly good v*t food in his food bowls. Nirvana! For all parties!

At lunch time Fredcat emerged from his new habitat and strolled into the kitchen "I hope you've noticed that my food bowl is empty," he said, hungrily, "Those new packets of Meow Mix are great but I'm afraid they don't go very far for a famous cat like me. My reckoning is that I need three packets per day. And I shan't be wanting those tins of v*t food for a while so you can store the rest in the 'fridge until I need to change my dietary regime." Cathie sighed - she'd bought those tins of food from the vet's office only that morning.

Mr. B. looked at Fredcat and said with a frown, "You seem to be a very responsible feline, Fredcat - you certainly micro-manage the production of your daily diary to the nth degree - but who oversees what you do and how you do it? For example, at most workplaces, the boss reviews the work carried out by members of their staff and gives them a thorough performance review to see if they are worthy of continued employment. Cats are often assessed by the number of mice they catch, but you ..." And here Mr. B stopped, "Who assesses your performance? You've virtually stopped catching mice. Admittedly I haven't seen any rodents around here for ages, but nonetheless..." His voice trailed off.

"Oh, come now," said Fredcat impatiently, "Do you think I bother witrh silly human games like that? Evaluations? Me! A Famous Feline?! I have my own rules and I stick by them, thank you very much. I do all sorts of wonderful things that you never hear about and I need constant nourishment to keep up my stamina so that I can continue to do said wonderful things. If you'd only stop worrying about your stupid performance reviews and stop thinking of me as a silly little mechanical robot who has no soul then everyone in this house would be a little happier." He wandered away, muttering, back to his new sleeping room. "I have to do some more serious thinking," he said, and was soon fast asleep. What a case that cat is!

P.S. Fredcat would like to thank all his loyal readers but he has decided (with a little bit of egging on from his humans) to write up his daily diary on Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays from now on, instead of every day. (He can hardly call it a daily diary, of course, but it will still be about Fredcat's daily happenings.) Apparently/the Grumpy One is extra grumpy about the weeds in his garden and as Cathie doesn't like to do gardening at all (!) something has to give. Fredcat is a tad cross about this, but he will survive; he is, after all, now a naturalized citizen of the US and, as the Immigration Dude said, he can now do whatever he wants. This means more sleeping and less work, if his humans have read the situation correctly. Thank you, from Fredcat the Famous.

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Friday, March 10th 2006 (number 768)

National Get Over It Day! Large image

Fredcat was still somewhat cross. He had found himself at a loose end yesterday so he had Googled the intawebs, seeking solace. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was sanguine. She'd been working till very late on Wednesday and welcomed the mini-break from daily diary duties, even though she loved the Mighty One to bits. She had eventually picked Fredcat up and given him the second daily dose of his sneezing medication which had only served to increase Fredcat's annoyance. He had hardly sneezed once since starting his new course of treatment. "How come you've got the time to give me two doses of medication when you reckon you've no time to deal with my daily diary?" he complained, but t'was all to no avail.

Mr. B. explained it to Fredcat. "Now listen here, sunshine," he said, using just a hint of sarcasm, "Your medication is what your medication is. Nobody likes taking medication, so stop complaining. It's for your own good. And as for your daily diary - well it's a good thing that we're able to post it three times a week for you - instead of not at all! You wouldn't fancy that would you? I'm afraid you'll just have to get over your disappointment as best you can." Here the Grumpy One gave Fredcat one of his best ever grumpy stares.

"You'll just have to find yourself a pastime to fill in the gaps in your day - how about hopscotch or Patience or watching the big TV? Or if you go down to the edge of the local lake you might see how people skip stones across the water; you could try that although that might take up a bit of your precious energy." At this point, Mr. B. stopped whilst he and Fredcat did some macho glaring at each other.

"It's way too hot for that," complained Fredcat, "There are some nice lakes nearby and I admit it's cool when it's breezy but there have been some really hot temperatures somewhere in this country. And it's going to be 82F before the week's out! I don't want to get overheated. What I really need is for Cathie to give me a severe brushing down with my best fur brush. With the summer soon on us I certainly don't want to carry any excess of my famous ginger and white fur around. I think I'll go and seek her out." And suiting actions to words he did just that, leaving Mr. B. in peace to contemplate planning the next phase of his garden maintenance.

P.S. Fredcat would like to thank all his loyal readers but he has decided (with a little bit of egging on from his humans) to write up his daily diary on Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays from now on, instead of every day. (He can hardly call it a daily diary, of course, but it will still be about Fredcat's daily happenings.) Apparently/the Grumpy One is extra grumpy about the weeds in his garden and as Cathie doesn't like to do gardening at all (!) something has to give. Fredcat is a tad cross about this, but he will survive; he is, after all, now a naturalized citizen of the US and, as the Immigration Dude said, he can now do whatever he wants. This means more sleeping and less work, if his humans have read the situation correctly. Thank you, from Fredcat the Famous.

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Wednesday, March 8th 2006 (number 767)

Midnight snacking Fredcat Large image

Fredcat watched from the hallway as Mr. B. crept quietly down the back stairs. "He's up to no good," thought Fredcat. It was the middle of the night and the humans had gone to bed hours ago, so why was Mr. B. up and about in the kitchen? He didn't look as if he were sleepwalking, he just looked (and acted) hungry! Fredcat sighed as Mr. B. opened the door to the larder and helped himself to some chocolate biscuits. In his desire to be as quiet as possible he took his eyes off the packet and it slipped to the floor with a thud. Mr. B. froze and stooped to retrieve the fallen packet. It was then that he saw Fredcat sitting blinking at him from the centre of the kitchen floor, blocking his escape route back upstairs. Mr. B. thought quickly. "Um, I don't suppose you'd like a biscuit, would you?" he asked, nervously.

Now Fredcat had learned a thing or two from his best human friend, Cathie. He didn't reply immediately, just sat and stared, waiting for Mr. B. to bluster on, which soon he did. "I was feeling a bit peckish," said the hapless Grumpy One, and I knew these new biscuits were here; Cathie had brought them home some time ago and she'd hardly touched them and I didn't want them to dry out or become stale; I'm sure she won't miss one or two. They're not chocolates, you know just chocolate-covered biscuits"

Fredcat continued to stare. He knew the Grumpy One would get to the point soon. "Um, would you like something else instead?" At this Fredcat's eyes moved slightly left and focused intently on the fridge door. Inside, he knew, was a juicy steak that Cathie had intended to have as the evening meal later that day ...

"Just a small piece, please," said Fredcat, at last, "we don't want to raise suspicions, do we?" and he winked slowly, whilst Mr. B swiftly sliced off a small chunk of best beef.

"It's all this worry about our changing how we spell," admitted Mr. B., "I was so concerned I couldn't sleep for thinking about it. I know we have a spelling checker but the words just don't look right when they're missing letter U's. I can't be thinking about spelling when I'm typing, I get confused." He turned around but of Fredcat there was no sign. With a sigh, he closed the fridge door and crept back upstairs to bed. Maybe Cathie wouldn't notice the food losses but he wouldn't bet on it.

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Tuesday, March 7th 2006 (number 766)

Confused Fredcat! Large image

The cry echoed around the Fredcat residence, "I've changed my mind!" No, this wasn't Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, nor was it a visitor on the distaff side sounding off. It was your actual Fredcat who was yelling and immediately both humans rushed forward, ready to do battle on the Famous One's behalf. But Fredcat needed no physical help; he wasn't being attacked. He was simply staring at the Fredcat PC, looking at the jumble of letters thereon. "I keep tripping over all these letter U's which Mr. B. is leaving out of words, now that we've started speaking and spelling in American," he said, "They're everywhere! And on top of that there are dozens of letter Z's ... I just can't cope! I'm too old to change."

Cathie laughed. "What do you mean?" she said, "You're only five years of age, you can do anything." But Fredcat was in despair and wouldn't be consoled. As it happened, Mr. B. strongly suspected he knew what the problem was. He turned to Fredcat and held the latter's left paw whilst he stroked the Mighty One's head.

"Some changes are too great - even for someone as famous as Fredcat," he said gravely, "He's tried to adapt to the American way of spelling but it has proven beyond him." He coughed, "Um, I'm afraid that I've been suffering as well. I've been muddling up my houses and my hoses, I've been dropping letter U's from some words and keeping them in for others when they shouldn't be there, all over the place. On top of that I have all my letter Z's and letter S's completely muddled. I admit I'm a bit older than Fredcat ..." (and here he waited patiently whilst Fredcat and Cathie snorted in unison) "... but I'm sorely perplexed. I have to try to decipher Fredcat's ramblings, er, I mean diary entries, and I can't really cope with all these changes."

Cathie was cross. It's not rocket science you know," she said, impatiently, "I've been doing this for ages at work, you just have to concentrate, it'll soon come easily enough." But she looked at the crestfallen faces on her two males and relented. "OK, we'll go back to the English was of spelling - but you really ought to be able to do better." The smiles on the faces of the males told her that she had made a good decision.

"I'm sure you'd like a nice cuppa char," said Mr. B. obsequiously, "That's still an English habit of yours that you haven't lost or altered; you haven't gone native and started drinking cups of American coffee," and at this Cathie had to smile. At least some good was coming from this, Mr. B. did make a good cup of tea.

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Monday, March 6th 2006 (number 765)

Academy Award Fredcat? Large image

Last night was the night of the 78th Annual Academy Awards, when the Oscars were awarded. "All the world was there!" thought Fredcat; "well, at least lots of the acting profession together with the ubiquitous TV cameras." Mr. B. was having none of it, he was enthralled watching basketball games on TV; the season was almost over and the games were reaching an exciting climax. It was obvious he didn't understand the rules, thought Fredcat, nor did he seem to know which team was which or even where they came from, but that didn't seem to stop him spending lots of time in front of the big TV, giving the occasional shout to see if Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, wanted a cup of tea or not. Fredcat, on the other hand, liked the Oscars; they reminded him of his own famosity. If it wasn't for the fact that attending the Oscars required one to travel to wherever the ceremony was held, Fredcat would happily strut his ginger and white stuff on the famous red carpet. It wouldn't upset him if there were a colour clash, he would simply persuade the organisers to tone down the red of the carpet to a more delicate orange colour to match his famous ginger and white markings.

Mr. B. turned to Fredcat and, with a slight smile, asked him what sort of character he would portray if he were a star of the celluloid world. "Everyone has their dreams," said Fredcat haughtily, "but I must confess that the number of roles I could portray might be limited. I'm not sure if I want to do Puss in Boots, that's been done to death by countless pantomime performers. I'm sure I could write an excellent script to suit my talents which would easily pass muster on the big screen. Remember, though - it's not always the quality of the script, sometimes it's how the star interprets it that counts."

Cathie came bustling in and told Mr. B. to hurry up and change as they were going out for a US citizenship celebratory dinner at Jane's: Jane always set out a sumptuous meal and it was always a pleasure to eat there. "Come on Fredcat - are you coming?" she asked but, faced with a car ride, our maestro declined - although he admitted that he would enjoy a chunk of warm meat if one could be brought back home for him.

"I don't think you should eat too much," said Mr. B., "You know that a lot of stars virtually give up food because the camera seems to add pounds to the waistlines of actors and actresses alike - and they don't like that. But you'd know that, of course - having starred in seven Fredcat Famous Videos, no?"

"So long as I stay near my fighting weight of twelve pounds, I don't mind what I eat," replied Fredcat, "And, to change the subject, I've noticed that since I started taking the antibiotics (again) I haven't sneezed once!" "Well, long may it continue!" muttered Cathie, "We don't want anything to happen to you right now, you are far too special to me - and to lots and lots of your faithful readers!" And Fredcat and Cathie smiled and she gave him a quick cuddle before speeding out into the night.

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Saturday, March 4th 2006 (number 764)

Sneezing Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, and Mr. B. looked at each other in alarm. Fredcat was sneezing again. This was the third time in 24 hours and the situation could no longer be ignored. Cathie rang the v*t's office and within the hour Mr. B. had collected the now familiar bottle of medicine and Fredcat was gulping the first dose down without demur. Cathie had by now found a splendid routine that consisted of lots of cuddling and gentle talking and soon an almost bemused Fredcat was taking the medication before he knew it. Unlike previous times, he didn't seem to mind and stayed put for ten minutes before climbing off the Cathie lap and ambling off to one of his three round beds for a nap.

Later on, Fredcat emerged from his slumbers and asked Cathie if there was any chance of uploading a new Fredcat video on the intawebs. "Of course, Fredcat! Those lovely people at Google Video have one ready to go right now," said Cathie, "It's the one of you preparing to receive some of your many important visitors - in it, you're nipping out some unwanted bits from your famous ginger and white fur coat. It shows you off quite well, I feel."

Fredcat was indeed pleased with the new video but wondered why his humans consistently refused to appear as minor bit players in them. Cathie was alarmed at this suggestion, "Errr, I don't think you realize just what you're asking," she said, "If humans started to play bit parts (as you put it) this would detract from your famosity as a famous feline and that would never do. Besides," she added, exchanging glances with Mr. B., "Although we may now be naturalized American citizens, we still have that basic old-fashioned British reserve that makes it difficult to appear in front of the camera. Your most consistent British fan (Mr. J. de F.) would like to see us on the intawebs screen but we are far too shy for that!" And Cathie shuddered whilst Mr. B. blanched at the thought.

Fredcat accepted this, yet asked Cathie if other members of the animal kingdom had emigrated as he had done, and then gone all the way and become naturalized Americans. Cathie thought and said that some d*gs had so arranged their faces and figures that they might easily be mistaken for humans but she didn't know of any other animal that had actually achieved this distinction. Fredcat was quite pleased with this: his famosity hadn't been challenged on that score. "OK, now that I am truly internationally famous," he said, "I think I deserve another treat of tuna," and the Grumpy One, for once, quickly obliged, if only to get some peace and quiet whilst he watched the basketball ball games on the big TV.

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Friday, March 3rd 2006 (number 763)

Happiness personified! Large image

As soon as he ambled through the door of his residence and reviewed the world outside Fredcat knew it was going to be a glorious day. The weather forecast was for a high of 80F (lovely!) and the Mighty One made straight for the front shrubbery where he could enjoy the best of the sun in a shaded part of the garden. There he stayed for hours. He was a happy cat on this I Want You To Be Happy Day. His best human friend, Cathie, was home and Mr. B. was simply sitting around doing odd jobs around the house - and not bothering him. Cathie came and sat on the front doorstep and she and her best and only Fredcat watched men planting trees and shrubs in neighboring houses. Cathie later asked Mr. B. if he wanted to do likewise. "It's clearly the best time of the year to plant shrubs," she observed, but Mr. B. shook his head lazily and muttered something which sounded like "Next year - maybe. We'll see."

Fredcat stirred, "Now that I'm a naturalized US citizen star in the US (as well as a natural born citizen star of the UK)," he started, "I can afford to be expansive. You know that I hate being driven around to the wretched v*t's office in Mr. B.'s ramshackle old banger, I think it's time I bought a really nice car. Like a Rolls Royce or a red Ferrari. I could live with buying a posh car, of course, if the fittings and specifications were top notch. You could own a d*g over the course of its lifetime for the same cost as a new Mercedes, you know!" And he shuddered at the very thought of sharing his famous residence with a d*g.

Cathie looked at him with a smile on her face. "I see - the minute you become a US citizen you think the paths are paved with gold and money just falls off the trees, don't you," she said, "How on earth are you going to drive that posh car? Most of the time you spend in Mr. B.'s car you're huddled in the well under the passenger seat, shouting loudly to be let out. You'd never be able to see the outside world at all! Though I suppose you might consider using a pet car booster seat. I could just see you in one of those!" She sniggered at the ignominy of it, Fredcat sitting in a car in a booster seat, or in a pet carrier. "Or, if those ideas just don't appeal, one of these wonderful strollers would suit you down to the ground. I could just see you in one of those!"

Fredcat ignored her and said, "You know, I just wonder what we felines and canines could have done with the world if we'd developed opposable thumbs," he continued, "I doubt they'd be too many wars - and precious few birds and rabbits," he added, wistfully. "By now they'd be extinct." He looked at Cathie, "But having said that - there might be no best human friends around to cheer us up and give us help and support - and - gulp! No Cathie. I think I'll stay as I am." And he gave his Cathie a fierce nuzzle and settled down to sleep on her lap.

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Thursday, March 2nd 2006 (number 762)

Spelling like an American! Large image

Fredcat woke up to find that his best human friend, Cathie, was already dressed and ready for the day's work. She was looking forward to seeing her work colleagues and telling them about her day at the citizenship Oath Ceremony in Charlotte. She saw Fredcat stirring and told him that he mustn't expect too much in the way of chuck-a-chins from Mr. B. as the latter was bound to be tired with all that driving to Charlotte and back - 350 miles. Fredcat thought that it was a silly way to become a citizen, having to drive that distance - the six mile round trip to the v*t's office was quite enough to drive him wild. "I suppose I'll just have to accept that whenever I get into Mr. B.'s car, I'll be riding on the right hand side of the road for the rest of my life," he muttered bitterly. "That's one of the main reasons I hate driving in the US, I'm so afraid of meeting other cars coming towards me, even though I know full well that all the cars drive on the right over here."

When Cathie came home she was clutching some beautiful flowers and two nice cards given to her from work colleagues. She was very pleased with them. Fredcat then asked her if he could possibly see the gift she had brought back from Charlotte for him. "Unfortunately, there wasn't the equivalent of a gift shop at the Department of Homeland Security; they are far too serious about their work for that," explained Cathie, "but I did manage to buy you a nice ornament which you can arrange next to your internal residence so you can remember this day for ages to come." Fredcat was quite touched and, gazing at his gift, thanked her by shedding loads of his famous ginger and white fur on her best dark suit.

"Now we are all going to have to learn to spell all over again - the American way!" said Cathie, "First thing we have to do is stop using the letter U in lots of words. Spellings like labor and favor are going to be the norm from now on. On top of that there are going to be masses of Zs flying about in words where the English safely use the letter S. Even the sound of some words is going to change - schedule will sound a bit harsh with an imaginary K somewhere in it, and the word aluminium is going to drop a letter I somewhere along the line." She gave Fredcat a little smile. "It'll quite tax Mr. B.'s brain - quite apart from my best and only cat having to cope with it all." Here Cathie, having carefully brushed off most of the aforementioned Fredcat fur, gave him a bit of a hug and instantly regretted it as more ginger and white stuff clung electro-statically to her suit.

"I think I need a breath of fresh air whilst I take this all in," said Fredcat, moving purposefully towards the front door. He looked around disdainfully for his butler and Mr. B. (tired though he was) leapt to do his unspoken bidding. "No need to wait up," ordered Fredcat, "I intend to patrol the Fredcat residence to make sure that no alien felines come near; one can't be too careful now that I'm a fully naturalized US citizen." He quite liked the use of these Zeeees - even if they now sounded a bit sissy and not at all like proper harsh English Zed sounds. And without so much as a Thank You he strolled outside to become the master of the animal feline kingdom once more. On his patch, at least.

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Wednesday, March 1st 2006 (number 761)

Naturalised US citizen Fredcat! Large image

For the third time recently, the humans were absent from the Fredcat residence. But, on their return late in the day, someone could be seen grinning through the windscreen. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, leaned out of an open car window, waving a bunch of papers. "Have you brought me something nice to eat?" yelled Fredcat over the noise of the engine. He was very hungry; the v*t food in his morning's food bowl seemed to have gone off quite quickly. "Much better than that," yelled Cathie, hobbling out of the car and scooping the Famous One in her arms. "We've just been made naturalized US citizens! And you, my little one, as a proud, honourable and distinguished member of this residence, have been unanimously voted a naturalised US feline - by acclamation! None of this endless form filling for you, my lad." And she gave him a big kiss, and a huge hug and squeeze which made the Mighty One gasp aloud.

Cathie slowly climbed the steps to the living room, chatting away, "We've each been given certificates to prove we are really are US citizens. I'll show you later when we've settled down."

Fredcat's head swam in amazement, "You've been arranging this just for me!" he said, his voice choking with pleasure, "So that's what all this recent cloak and dagger secrecy has been all about - you've done this just for me. I'm really touched." And here Fredcat clung closely to his darling Cathie, a tiny tear fell from one feline eye.

"Tell me all about it! Was there a ceremony? Was it fun? Did you get anything to eat - that is, anything worth bringing home for my consumption? Wow! Now I'll need to buff and shine myself for all my visitors - there's bound to be lots of them, you know, all wanting to see a handsome US cat dude who looks really smart." And Fredcat spun around in a circle and leapt to the floor, practising dancing to the tune of the America the Beautiful.

"Cathie smiled and said, "Well yes, we did get you something but we'll do the show and tell thing tomorrow. Right now we're tired and hungry and need to get some food for ourselves. Also, I have to prepare to go to work tomorrow, so we'll show you our certificates and celebrate properly over the weekend - OK?" And Fredcat had to be content with that.

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