Welcome to Fredcat's diary - and checkout his tails later!

Friday, March 30^th 2007 (number 933)

Residential Fredcat! Large image

The big For Sale notice was parked just outside the garage door. Fredcat sniffed it, walked completely round it and then did a double take when he read what it said. He bounded indoors (hardly limping at all from his arthritis) and went in search of his humans. "What's going on?" he yelled, "Yesterday it was the old overhanging oak tree being chopped down, today my entire Fredcat residence is being sold! My residence is being placed on the market without so much as a by-your-leave. This is my home and what I say goes and my residence is not to be sold!" He needn't have wasted his breath; nobody was listening. His best human friend, Cathie, was on the telephone all agog.

"Yes it's for sale," she said to somebody, "I must say we all knew it was going to happen. Yes, the cat will just have to get used to the move; it shouldn't be too stressful, he's very resilient. It'll all be completed in a couple of months and that'll be that." She listened patiently to the voice on the other end, murmured a few simple replies and finally put the handset down after the usual goodbyes.

She turned, smiling to herself and went to speak to Mr. B. to tell him the news but her path was blocked by the Mighty One. He had puffed up his fur to the maximum extent and his voice was so enraged it had risen to almost a squeak. "You're not selling my residence and I'm not simply a cat! I don't care that I'm resilient and can get over stress easily, I'm Fredcat the Famous - and I'm staying put!"

Cathie laughed and scooped the furious feline from the floor and told him that no good ever came of eavesdropping in on other people's conversations. "We're not moving, Fredcat, it's your friend Mistole who's selling her home. The cat in question is Eddie, not you or your doppleganger, so calm down. The For Sale notice, which I expect you're seen, is one destined for Mistole's house, I'm keeping it here until I can hand it over to her. Stop worrying!" She gave him a big hug and squeeze.

Mr. B. chimed in, "Do you remember the time recently when you overheard us discussing the demise of the famous local snake-less strawberry fields? You only heard the word snake - and that was enough to get you going. You were all for heading to said fields, catching a few snakes and bringing them home here for inspection." He shuddered. "We've had enough of you bringing home half-dead creatures and playing with them in the living room."

Fredcat knew that Mr. B. was referring to the infamous occasion in England when he and his mentor Forby had caught and dragged a large rabbit home and into their dining room and they proceeded to, errr, dine. (Well, it was a dining room ....) That wasn't a memory he wished to have recalled right now.

Fredcat rapidly changed the subject; memories of youthful exuberance were not under discussion at the moment. "So, no local strawberries this year, then?" he said, "That means you'll have to get them from the supermarket along with my biscuits and best beef bits and, of course, brownies," he added, knowing that Mr. B. was very fond of anything tasting of chocolate. Now that was a more pleasant memory and he soon fell asleep in Cathie's arms, that nasty For Sale sign quite forgotten.

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Wednesday, March 28^th 2007 (number 932)

Overhanging Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat strolled to the front door licking his lips after eating his first breakfast of the day. The door opened as if by magic as he approached. This was as it should be, he thought, and swept past the butler, tail held high (except for the little crooked bit at the top). He stood still when he reached the outside; it was going to be a lovely warm day, with temperatures maybe reaching record highs for this time of the year. "Stella, no, wait .... S-t-e-l-l-a-R, that's me," he said aloud, and sat down on the top step where he could watch the workmen below. What were they doing so early in the morning? He didn't have long to wait to find out ...

With its noisy engine going at full speed a crane began to lift one of the workmen high into the air where, soon, he started to lop branches off a decaying oak tree. Several other workmen began to gather each branch as it was being carefully thrown down from above. "That tree is slowly being cut away," thought the Mighty One, "there won't be much left at this rate." In that he was quite correct. Before long all that was left of the once proud oak was a tiny stump and a pile of logs.

Fredcat immediately complained to Mr. B. "This is all your fault - the loss of that tree. It's another nail in my coffin," he said, "I'll never be able to climb that tree again."

Mr. B. eyed him, cynically, "Don't be stupid, Fredcat, you've never once climbed that tree. You've never even attempted to climb it. Indeed, it's probably true to say that you've never even noticed that tree before today; your head is so full of being considered a stellar personage by the v*t. She's certainly put some silly ideas in that ginger head of yours. And what's the "another nail in the coffin" bit all about? You've got loads of life left in you, I can tell. You'll be here for years yet, making my life a misery, shedding your fur all over the place, wanting food all day long." Mr. B. grinned. He just had to tease the Mighty One from time to time, it was in his nature ...

Much to the Famous One's dismay, Mr. B.'s comments stopped him short. It was true - he hadn't really noticed that particular tree before; being an indoor-outdoor feline he liked having an external scratching post, and a fine, healthy (and even bigger) oak near the front of the garden had always suited his purpose very well. Hmmmm. He'd have to think on that one ....

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Monday, March 26^th 2007 (number 931)

Stellar Fredcat! Large image

"Stella?! Stella?! My name's not Stella! That's a female feline name." To his humans, Fredcat seemed to be always annoyed about something nowadays. "That v*t called me Stella, she did." He was cross all the way home from his trip to the v*t's office. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, stifled a grin and soon put Fredcat on the right track. "See here, my Mighty One!" she said, patiently, "The kind v*t, Dr. B., said that your most recent set of blood tests were excellent, Fredcat, she said that they were stellar! You're getting muxed ip between the name Stella and the adjective stellar. She paid you a huge compliment. In fact, she said that your results would be stellar in a much younger feline, and she was very pleased with you." Cathie feared to go on making age comparisons in case the Mighty One became peeved once more.

"The v*t also said that you're now off, completely off, the antibiotics - and you don't have to take any medication, of any sort, for at least a month. That's great news - and, with the lovely warm spring weather we're having at the moment, you can sit out and sleep on the screened porch for the rest of the week. I must say also, that since our return from the v*t's office you've been eating very healthily and you've been keeping Mr. B. on his toes filling up your food bowl. I do believe you're been putting on weight; have you been feeding yourself?"

"Not so," replied Fredcat, indignantly, "I leave all that mundane stuff to you humans. What's that saying - why have a d*g and bark yourself? Yes, that's it. I need to keep the Fredcat residence in tip top order and I can't do that if I'm being bothered with opening tins and stuff. I need Mr. B. to feed me and do all the household maintenance, even going up ladders to clean up high and to make sure I'm safe and sound for when you return home from work, Cathie."

Fredcat looked around. "Where is he, by the way?" he asked, "He hasn't been around here for some time. I do hope he hasn't gone off again and left me, I'm so hungry nowadays that I need him to constantly be on hand to keep my food bowls replenished." He licked his food bowl clean and wandered off; he suspected that the Grumpy One had gone off again to watch one of his many ball games. He sighed; he'd just have to cuddle up to Cathie to make sure he didn't go hungry over the next few hours. But it was good news about no more antibiotic pills; he hadn't sneezed for a whole week now, despite the rising pollen count!

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Friday, March 23^rd 2007 (number 930)

Worried Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat glared at Mr. B. but found himself too cross for words. Literally. Instead he flicked his famous ginger and white tail a few times and staked off muttering. Mr. B. was not unduly surprised at this behaviour, after all he and Fredcat had not always seen eye-to-eye, but this time it seemed as if the Mighty One was more bothered than usual. He strolled after Fredcat and enquired, "What's up, Doc?" in a semi-jocular manner but Fredcat continued to look cross.

"After all I've done for her over the years - and now this!" said Fredcat, finally, "I've been really suffering terribly, taking all those antibiotic pills until there's just the one to go, and everything's looking fine on the health front and then, and then, this!" He stamped both front paws simultaneously, forgetting that this would lead to a certain imbalance in the rest of the Fredcat body and nearly fell over.

Mr. B. waited patiently; it usually didn't take Fredcat long to air his grievances and Mr. B. was soon enlightened. "My So-called Best Human Friend, Cathie," he said, emphasising each word carefully, "My So-called Best Human Friend, Cathie, is going to do away with me. I'm not a poor sicky cat! On my next visit to the v*t, I'm for the chop, I know it!"

It was now Mr. B.'s turn to grow pale. "What?!" he said, startled, "I haven't heard about this. What makes you think Cathie's going to give you the, er, chop? I'm convinced she thinks you're wonderful, so I see no reason for you to worry. You must be mistaken, Fredcat."

"I heard her on the telephone," replied Fredcat, tearfully, "She wants a new cat for Easter and she's going to dress her up in clothes for Easter, and for the rest of the holiday days. I've never consented to being dressed up, so she's going to replace me, and then dispose of me like a worn old rag doll." It must be said, Dear Reader, that when Fredcat gets emotional he really loses it, and it took all of Mr. B.'s skill to placate him.

Together they went to see Cathie who found herself back-tracking rapidly in light of Fredcat's tearful face - and the scowl on the Grumpy One's visage. "It's not a real cat, you silly! It's a fake cat, and it comes with costumes. I would never get another cat, Fredcat - at least not without discussing it with you both first," she added, artlessly.

"So you would consider it, then! If you're prepared to discuss it, then you would consider it! That's not on, Cathie, it's just not on," said the Famous One, furiously. "And then to hear you say that you would buy that, that ... fake cat .... If it's not one thing, it's another! You wouldn't like it if I were to scatter human mannequins around my famous residence, would you?!"

Cathie had to tread carefully. "Fredcat, it was all about you. I thought it would be fun to have a cat sitting outside the front door - and you wouldn't like to do that, day in, day out, in all sorts of weather, would you? It could serve in the same way as does your famous Fredcat stone - to indicate to people that this is the residence of Fredcat the Famous, couldn't it?"

That stopped Fredcat dead in his paw-stamping tracks. "Hmmmmm," he mewsed, "That's not such a bad idea, after all, Cathie. You wouldn't have to dress it in its silly clothes, you know. And it might even be possible to paint it - so that it bears more than a passing resemblance to a certain famous ginger and white cat. Hmmmm. I shall have to think on this. I'll get back to you, OK?"

Cathie sighed with relief. "We'd never get rid of you, Fredcat," she called after his retreating back, "If I couldn't find you, then you know that I'd track you down anywhere in the world." She sighed again. It was quite a dilemma, being a cat-lover, and living with a temperamental famous feline.

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Wednesday, March 21^st 2007 (number 929)

Springtime watching Fredcat! Large image

Yesterday was a Red Letter Day for the Mighty One. First off, Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, said, that as far as she was concerned, Fredcat appeared to have overcome his constant sniffles and snuffles. "Mr. B. and I have been dosing you these new antibiotic tablets for getting on for a week and a half now, and you do seem to have shaken off your maladies. In the past I've had to go to the vet's office, collect the antibiotic pills, take them to a compounding pharmacy to have them mixed into a liquid, and then bring them home to give you a liquid medicine which you dislike less than tablets. But I'm very pleased with you Fredcat - by dint of our perseverance, and your putting up with a bit of unpleasantness for about a short minute daily, we've probably cracked this persistent coughing and spluttering. I'm so pleased for you."

"Is that the end of those pills, then?" asked Fredcat, hopefully, but Cathie shook her head. Fredcat's face didn't show any emotion, he simply asked when this would be all over. "How many more days do I have to suffer this tiresome treatment?" he asked.

"Sorry, my sweet, a few more days yet." replied Cathie, "These pills have to be taken for a full fortnight. As we started you on them last Saturday that means we have only three more doses to give you. Only three! And I have to say that you're looking very good already!" This pleased Fredcat no end for two reasons; he could easily count to three, and Cathie's words made him smile."

Moving away from the unpleasant topic of Fredcat's having to take tablets, Cathie asked, "Did you know you have a secret admirer? Someone's very keen to keep their identity a secret from you, I must say." Fredcat grinned, showing a less than complete set of teeth, the relics of a famous battle of yore. It was nice to have a Paddy's Day e-card. He stretched and went to the front door and waited, slightly impatiently, for it to be opened by the butler.

He was soon joined by Cathie. It's the first day of spring here in North Carolina, Fredcat," she said, as the two looked out onto the front lawn. "Can you hear the birds singing?" Fredcat frowned; hearing birds sing was irritating, especially if he couldn't chase and play with them like he used to. He'd already been a tad piqued by that robin the other day; the cheeky tree-hopping creature had totally ignored the Mighty One's challenge to him to do his worst.

"Come on, My Sunshine Fredcat!" said Cathie at last, "Time to come in and find a nice new clean round bed to sleep in." She showed him his reflection in the hall mirror on the way in, to see if Fredcat would respond but the Mighty One ignored it, as he'd done so many times in the past. He knew who was in the mirror, he knew just how handsome he was, and he was too well brought up a cat to sing his own praises. Cathie set him down near his food bowl and settled down to watch the big TV. A while later, Fredcat joined her but soon fell asleep until Cathie transferred him, still in dreamland, to his nearest round bed. Sleep well, Fredcat!

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Monday, March 19^th 2007 (number 928)

Mothering Day thoughts! Large image

Fredcat looked at his email inbox and saw messages from several of his friends, all wishing him a happy St. Partick's Day. Among them were:Littlebit, Snoopy the cat, Skeeter (the d*g!!), and Sharon; Petey, Tally, Mia and Teresa T; JimmyDeFish; and Callie Cat and Patsy B.. You can read these (and other) messages in Fredcat's famous Guestbook.

It was Mother's Day in England and Fredcat shifted mental gears and looked at his best human friend, Cathie. Of course he wasn't able to see or talk to his feline mother - he didn't even know if, ahem, she was still in the land of the living. He tried to figure out her possible age but he kept getting stuck with his own age (five) and he couldn't work his way past that. Like many young ones of his ilk he had no idea when his mother was born; it really didn't seem to matter when he was a young kitten and now there was no way of finding out.

He decided to have a go by comparing known human ages with his own genealogy. That way he could make a serious estimate of his mother's age. "How old are you, Cathie?" he said, bluntly, "If I know your age, maybe I can work out how old my mother might be."

Well, as you can imagine, dear reader, that question didn't go down very well. Cathie stared at her sweet and famous feline, declined to answer, and petted him on the top of his head instead.

"If this has got something to do with Mother's Day or Mothering Sunday I think you'd be advised to stay off the subject of ages," remarked Mr. B., "Human females like to be thought about on special days but normally dislike being reminded of their actual age, you know. Just be a tad tactful and you'll do rather well. With that cheeky handsome face of yours smiling at her, you'll be forgiven all sorts of misdeeds in no time."

"I don't have misdeeds," complained Fredcat, "I'm an excellent feline. It's you humans who cause all the problems. If you would only let we felines run things then the world would be a better place."

Cathie jumped in with both feet, her earlier decision to say nothing now just a memory. "Now, lookee here, Fredcat! I'm one of those humans you are criticising - and you can't tar every human with the same brush. As your adoptive mother, I shall accept all the purrs you can give me and we'll let it go at that." That seemed a good idea to the Mighty One and his relationship with Cathie was further cemented when she gave him another antibiotic pill and allowed him to have an extra handful of best cat biscuits as a treat. Lucky Fredcat ...

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Friday, March 16^th 2007 (number 927)

Saint Patrick's Day fun! Large image

"♫ ♫ ♫ ... Happy Birthday to yoooou! ♫ ♫ ♫" warbled Fredcat and hung up the telephone receiver as Mr. B., eyebrows arched, came into the room. "It's OK, I was just singing Happy Birthday to my Tormentor-in-Chief in England." He stared at the Grumpy One who was trying on a bright green shirt. "That looks very, er, bright," said Fredcat, carefully, "Very bright indeed. Are we into dressing up then?" "What's your problem?" said Mr. B., "Don't you know it's St. Patrick's Day on Saturday - and everyone will be wearing something green. Wait till you see what other humans are wearing!" "I do hope that your "everyone" doesn't include creatures of the feline persuasion," said Fredcat, horrified at the thought of being made to wear anything, of any colour, "Don't even think about dressing this cat up in a feline St. Patrick's Day costume!"

When Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, came into the room Fredcat couldn't help but stare, goggle-eyed. Dressed in green, with a flashing badge in the shape of a shamrock on her blouse, and sporting a pair of shamrock-adorned deeley boppers on her head which wobbled with her every move, she looked like a walking, talking Irish doll. "I know what you're thinking," said Cathie, "but I'll have you know there are humans out there wearing more bizarre outfits then mine; at least I look good in this gear." She tossed her head and the deeley boppers shook violently.

"And I need to have words with you my lad," she continued, "I've just found the antibiotic tablet I gave you hours ago on the table. That's to sort out your coughing and sneezing problem - and it was on the table. This won't do, m'boy. That pill needs to go inside you, not left on a plate as if you'd decided not to partake this time, thank you very much." She whisked Fredcat into the air and onto her lap and soon the Mighty One was one antibiotic pill heavier. "We need to make sure that you are as healthy as possible, Fredcat," she said, "There are people out there who can make cats, you know." Fredcat looked at her, puzzled, but decided not to progress the matter - Cathie's words sometimes went right over his head.

"I want to go back to this St. Patrick's Day thing," said Fredcat, "If everything's supposed to be green, then won't that make my beef rather a peculiar sight? I'm not that interested in how things are coloured, but green food isn't exactly my cup of tea."

"There are worse things to worry about than food coloured green, Fredcat," said Cathie, "Don't try and get your head around it. If you wish to spend some reflective time then try reading some of the rules that we humans have devised to make your - and our - life easier. Go upstairs onto the new Fredcat PC and check out a few feline behaviour suugestions listed there." She smiled as the Mighty One was carried upstairs by Mr. B. and plonked down on the desk. Antibiotic pills or no antibiotic pills, Fredcat was about to learn a thing or two.

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Wednesday, March 14^th 2007 (number 926)

Smoother lawns for Fredcat! Large image

The doorbell of the Fredcat famous residence rang. It was set to ring very loudly, so that Mr. B. could hear it; the noise always meant a visitor to Fredcat - human visitors who were not always to be trusted. He watched Mr. B. greet this newest visitor who turned out to the lawn man, come to repair damage to the Famous One's front lawn. "It's OK, Fredcat," said a reassuring Mr. B., "The lawn man rang first to make sure you were inside your residence before he started his work. He knows that you're wary of strangers and he didn't want to frighten you. That's very thoughtful of him, isn't it?"

Fredcat agreed and settled down to do a little supervisory work from his vantage point on the front doorstep. The repairs didn't take long and afterwards the Mighty One strolled out to inspect the quality of the work. Mr. B. joined him. "Soon this lawn will be immaculate," said Mr. B., proudly. "Back in England I always liked to have a nice neat lawn but in this rather unforgiving climate one has to work very hard to get anywhere near that level of perfection."

A baby rabbit moving just off the edge of the lawn, caught Fredcat's eye. It stopped and stood perfectly still. Then a robin flew into the branches of a nearby tree and soon all four creatures - feline, rabbit, bird and human - stood transfixed, no more than ten feet apart from each other, watching each other. The bird moved first, hopping nonchalantly from branch to branch, safe in the knowledge that none of the other three could cause it any harm. Soon it was joined by its mate. The next second the rabbit vanished into the undergrowth. "Those rabbits need policing, or they'll soon be out of control. Where will your nice garden be then?" said Fredcat.

"I wish I could climb trees," he continued, wistfully, "I used to be able to scamper up trees whenever I chose. In those days birds such as those wouldn't have dared to be so bold! I'll just have to settle with climbing up onto the settee inside or onto the couch on the screened porch. Hey, Mr. B. - how about a nice indoor cat walk of my own? That would be lots of fun!"

"Let's go back inside," suggested Mr. B. quickly changing the subject, "Did you know that yesterday was Pi Day?" Fredcat blinked, that was a new one on him; he wasn't particularly fond of pie crust but as long as it contained good solid beef then any type of pie was fine by him.

"I know what you're thinking," smirked Mr. B., "But, sorry, it's to do with the number pi, not a "pie" pie. I know you have difficulty with any number beyond nine, but pi's smaller than that, so you should be OK with it."

"I'm more interested in visitors coming to read my famous diary," snorted Fredcat, "Look see! My famosity has been further recognised - and I've been included in this excellent new website? Now that is good news!!" And he trotted off to his food bowls to see if any of these "pi's" which weren't "pies" had magically managed to make any best beef appear in his food bowls.

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Monday, March 12^th 2007 (number 925)

Time-searching Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat nosed his way through cupboard after cupboard. "There must be something here that'll get my lost hour back," he muttered, "I've just been onto the wide, wide, world of web and they tell me that England is now only four time difference to me. In the past it's always been either five or six hours different to me - but now it's down to only four. That's crazy, Cathie. Mark my words - by this time next year it'll be down to three hours! I want my time back! Is the world shrinking?" He emerged from the last cupboard and sneezed. "It's about time you humans did a spot of spring cleaning, methinks; It's quite grubby in there," he complained, as he shook the dust from his famous ginger and white fur.

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, apologised for the dust but averred that Fredcat's complaint should be addressed to Mr. B. - the official designated spring cleaner in the Fredcat residence. "Huh! By the time he gets around to it, I'll probably have choked to death from asphyxiation from the clouds of dust in this place; that or the annual spring pollen fall which is also due about now. I think I need a proper all-over grooming, remember I'm the Alpha Cat around here. You humans are always off to barbers and hairdressers and eyebrow places and massage places and the like; it's about time I had my own special grooming treat."

Cathie tossed her head and said firmly, "I've never been to a massage place, Fredcat - where did you get that idea? I admit we female humans like to have our hair done and nails polished, and even Mr. B. has to visit his barber to have him cut what remains of his hair every once in a while, but that's about it." She looked quickly in the mirror to see if tossing her head had made a difference to her hairstyle but it hadn't; it still looked very nice.

Cathie thought for a moment and then said, "You could always use one those mobile pet grooming services, Fredcat. Have you ever considered that?"

"What??? Mobile pet grooming? Mobile??? I think not," retorted the Famous One, "Me bring driven around in a grooming car? I'd hate that. Whenever they turned a corner I'd be flung around and have to dig my claws into the seat to keep upright - and every time the car stopped I'd be flung forward. Called that a treat? Nope, that would never do. Plus - you know I hate cars; every single time I get into Mr. B.'s car I end up at the v*t's office. No way am I volunteering for a mobile pet grooming thing - and that's final." He sneezed again.

When Cathie had stopped laughing she tried to explain the concept of mobile pet grooming to her famous cat. "A mobile grooming service means that they come to you, not the other way round," she said, "You'd be groomed in your famous residence, Fredcat. You won't have to travel anywhere by car. That should please you." But on this score she was wrong.

"Then what's the point of a mobile pet grooming service?" asked Fredcat, crossly, "I already have you to groom me at home, as it is - and I'd bet that they wouldn't provide the mood music I like and the nice tidbits to munch during the grooming process. The whole idea's pointless. I find it all very annoying - if you can go out and return, all smiles, after having been pampered then so should I. I'm a very important part of this household, don't you forget - the most important member, if truth be told. We felines are very special and need to be pampered and saved from the horrors of the nasty world outside." Fredcat sneezed again and knew he was fighting a losing battle.

"You're sneezing a lot, Fredcat, I think you need to take a series of antibiotic tablets for your condition," said Cathie, firmly. "Mr. B. and I will see if we can persuade you to complete the course, we can't have you sneezing and snuffling all day long, pollen or no. And you need to think on, my boy, you're very lucky to have Mr. B. and I to do your bidding; you'll always be well looked after here." And with this, Fredcat had to be content.

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Friday, March 9^th 2007 (number 924)

Daylight Saving Fredcat! Large image

"I can't be having this," stormed Fredcat, "The powers-that-be are stealing an hour of my precious sleeping time for no good reason; I'll be up before I've hardly gone to bed." He turned to his best human friend, Cathie, "Look! You'll be up and about getting ready to go to work because you have a good alarm clock and you always get up on time whatever the season, but I'll be all sleepy-eyed - and if I'm any judge of character someone around here will just flop back into his bed as soon as you've left and he'll forget all about me and my feeding bowl. It'll be a disaster! Why does it have to happen now? We were doing all right without this messing about." He finished his rant and hopped around to show his displeasure.

Cathie sighed and tried to explain this daylight saving process, "It's all swings and roundabouts," she said, "You lose an hour now but you get an extra hour's sleeping time back in the autumn." Unsurprisingly, this didn't satisfy the Mighty One at all. Cathie sighed. "This happens every year, Fredcat - it should come as no surprise to you."

"It won't be autumn for ages yet - and I'll bet you that, come autumn, the powers-that-be will trick us with another feeble excuse and we'll never catch up with the lost hour," he muttered darkly, "Anyway what would happen if I somehow didn't make it to autumn? What then? I would have forever have lost out on an hour's sleep - and it would be all your fault. And Mr. B.'s fault as well." Fredcat wanted to be fair in this and he saw no reason to exclude the Grumpy One from his ranting even though the latter was hiding away upstairs pretending to read. "Remember it's we felines that keep you healthy, without us you'd all have awful illnesses - even the Russians think so! Then where would you be?"

When Mr. B. emerged from upstairs later, Cathie warned him by a flick of her arched eyebrows that Fredcat was not in the best of moods. "Hi there, old fella, would you like some extra best beef in your food bowl? I'm sure we have a little left, you look as if you'd be glad of some," said the Grumpy One, trying his best to sound cheerful (but only half succeeding). The Famous One wasn't born yesterday and he knew false jollity when he heard it.

"I only want the best grub," snapped Fredcat, "And no weird stuff, if you don't mind." Mr. B. ignored the barb and, guided by Cathie's facial expressions, turned his charm offensive, full blast, on Fredcat, showing him some feline cartoon characters on the intawebs.

Fredcat eventually pronounced himself well pleased with his best beef offering by purring his delight when he had finished. Cathie swept him up in her arms and gave him his every-other-day dose of pain-killing medication, "Can't be having a grumpy Fredcat in this famous residence," she pronounced, "We need you here to help us stay well; we don't want you running off and getting hurt." She smiled, Fredcat obviously loved her and she loved him back. What a great combination!

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Wednesday, March 7^th 2007 (number 923)

Burger-demanding Fredcat Large image

Fredcat had declined to sleep in one of his round beds and had returned to his magnificent big box Christmas bed instead. This suited Mr. B. down to the ground as it gave him the chance to carry out a spot of cleaning upstairs - especially using the despised vacuum cleaner which always made Fredcat wince. When Fredcat awoke and emerged, blinking, into the light he saw that it looked very cheery outside and, after a nibble or two from his food bowl, he headed out into the front garden.

He soon wished he hadn't when he saw Mr. B. coming around the corner driving his sit-and-ride motor mower. This was a particularly noisy contrivance and the Mighty One hid quickly behind the shrubbery at the front of the house from where he was watch the monster moving up and down in rows on the grass.

When Cathie returned from work later that day Fredcat wasted no time in acquainting her with his feelings on matters horticultural. "It's no fun being outside when that noisy machine is working," he declared, "When I go out I expect to be able to have forty winks in the spring sunshine. I'm sure that Mr. B. started that monster up deliberately, you know. And I've also noticed that my food bowls have been having smaller and smaller portions of food placed in them lately. I see no reason for this. I'm not the one who's on a diet - and I want some giant sized portions to make up for the recent shortfalls." He chunnered on in this aggrieved fashion for a while until Cathie finally interrupted him.

"For Heaven's sake, Fredcat, don't take on so," she said, "I'm sure Mr. B. isn't doing anything malicious; everyone thinks you're marvelous - and you know it. Look at this Searchmash search engine result; it's found nearly 4,000 entries for you. 4,000! Here, try it for yourself. That must mean something!"

"I suppose I am pretty good," admitted Fredcat, "I do have a degree or two, remember - and they're not made up ones, either - like some canines I could name." He smiled, happy in his understated superiority.

"I think I've been neglecting you," said Cathie (even though she hadn't, of course - but a bit of buttering up never did anyone any harm!) "Come here, and I'll give you some real attention." She carefully picked up the Mighty One, being careful to avoid hurting his slightly-older-than-5 year old (but still doing OK) body and stroked him until he fell asleep in her arms. "He hadn't even mentioned his logo. Let hope he's forgotten!" she whispered.

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Monday, March 5^th 2007 (number 922)

Proudly presenting Fredcat Large image

When Fredcat woke it was to find his best human friend, Cathie, watching him intently. This was a tad unnerving because usually it was the other way round - it was Fredcat who excelled in staring at his chosen victim until they woke up. He found it strange to be on the receiving end for once and immediately began grooming himself. Fredcat preferred to do this in private but as Cathie showed no sign of moving he had little choice in the matter. "It's OK, Fredcat," said Cathie, reassuringly, "I'm just counting your toes." Fredcat yanked said digits beneath him in alarm and took a surreptitious look. Yes, they were all still there. What was Cathie on about?

"Don't worry, I'm just checking. Everyone should check their toes occasionally, you know." Fredcat didn't understand this suggestion, but he let it pass. "I've been reading of some felines that have an excess of digits and I simply wanted to make sure you hadn't grown any extra overnight," she continued, "There was a lunar eclipse on Saturday, and there are sometimes meteor showers out there as well, so I thought it better to check. It's a triffid thing, you know." She smiled and patted the Mighty One's famous ginger and white head. Fredcat hadn't the least idea what Cathie was talking about but as long as she remained his best human friend he was content.

"There are a whole host of curious things up above us," said Cathie, "With all this recent rain I've been looking out for rainbows to show you and here's the thing: I've found a picture of a splendid rainbow - but it's upside down." She showed it to Fredcat but he wan't impressed.

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Friday, March 2^nd 2007 (number 921)

Logo-gistically minded Fredcat Large image

Unusually for this particular feline, Fredcat was watching the big TV on his own in the living room. His best human friend, Cathie, was out at work and Mr. B. was doing chores upstairs. The Mighty One tended to watch TV when the humans were around, not so much for the content but for the comfortable laps provided by the humans. He liked curling up on Cathie's lap best since she was given to stroking him until he went to sleep whereas Mr. B. had this irritating habit of moving suddenly and shouting whenever something startling or dramatic happened on TV. Fredcat paused the TV playback, looked again and came to a decision. All the advertisements on TV were accompanied by a company logo. This was clearly something that he should emulate if at all possible. The trouble was that neither Cathie nor Mr. B. had shown any talents in logo production - Fredcat would have to raise this subject.

He suspected that the humans were completely talentless in this area but, nevertheless, he had a go. First up was Mr. B. "I need a logo and I'd like you to design one for me. It would need to say to the world that it is I, Fredcat the Famous, the Mighty One, with whom you're dealing. Someone you can trust and respect," he added, just in case that Mr. B. hadn't got the message.

Mr. B. waved his hands in the air in a dizzying arc, and stared at Fredcat in puzzlement. "What are you supposed to be selling?" he asked, "The companies you're trying to copy are all out there to make money and to persuade the general public that they have affordable goods to sell. You're not in that category; you only have to make sure that your gentle readers enjoy your thrice weekly diary enough to return for a few moments of enjoyment, away from the bustle of everyday life. You're providing a bit of wry fun - and you don't need a logo to do that."

This didn't please Fredcat at all. He went straight to Cathie and complained bitterly and she in turn went straight to Mr. B. and did a bit of yelling and stuff. "Why can't Fredcat have a logo if he wants one? It's not too much to ask is it? We don't want to upset him; he might decide to take off and go on a long journey, as Fredcat's friend Dana from LA told us about recently. I'd absolutely hate that."

Mr. B. tried a diversionary tactic, asking, "Did you know there's going to be an eclipse of the moon tomorrow?" but it was no good. It was obvious that Fredcat's mind was made up, and with Cathie giving the Famous One moral support, Mr. B. knew that it would take a lot of cajoling to stop this pointless bandwagon. The question was - could he succeed?

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