Welcome to Fredcat's diary - and checkout his tails later!

Wednesday, May 31st 2006 (number 803)

Sweltering Fredcat! Large image

It was turning out to be a lovely day. Fredcat had watched with interest as his best human friend, Cathie, prepared herself for another day's work and resigned himself to the ministrations of the Grumpy One. He had decided on a new tactic for the early morning rising routine. Instead of wasting his energies on fruitless wake-up calls which only made the Grumpy One even grumpier, he positioned himself at the top of the stairs leading down from the study where he could monitor the human's early morning activity directly.

To be frank, this routine was partially self imposed. Fredcat had recently realised that the stiffness in his leg joints was something that had to be eased as the day wore on, so he took his early morning rising activities at a sensible pace. From his vantage point no one could get by to go downstairs without walking around Fredcat and he simply demanded that all humans give him a little ruffle on the back of the head as they passed by to the kitchen. It was, however, always a bit scary for both as Fredcat wanted to be first down (as befits his status as a superior cat) but he didn't like starting first (and thereby unnecessarily wasting his energy) until the human had taken the first step. The result was a risky race for both.

"It's such a lovely day, so why don't we take some nice still photographs of you to show Cathie when she returns from work?" suggested Mr. B. preparing his camera. But Fredcat simply scotched that idea by doing what he always does whenever he sees a camera - walking quickly up to it and peering inside. "I bet you'd be a better subject if squirrels were photographing you," expostulated Mr. B., getting a bit grumpy. "You always let Cathie take nice snaps but you never let me do the same, and I'm the one who gives you all your grub!" But Fredcat ignored him as was his wont.

"Look, here are some super pictures of alley cats, I'm sure you'd be a better subject than those little ones," pleaded Mr. B., but Fredcat simply walked off. It was already becoming too hot to stay outside in the direct sunlight so he crouched under the big (unused) BBQ in the back garden wondering when Mr. B. was going to try his luck with it once more; Fredcat really fancied a nice piece of barbecued steak! But Mr. B. had gone inside, turned the Fredcat PC on and was listlessly watching cubes dancing up and down. This mood persisted for several minutes until he came to and asked Fredcat what he wanted for tea that day.

"Well, I have no energy to do anything technically demanding," said the Mighty One "so I won't want much; perhaps a couple of well cooked beef sausages (with no dressing), a small plate of fresh tuna and a few dozen shrimps? Yes, that lot should suffice for starters." Mr. B. looked at him and decided that Fredcat was a real con artist who was merely pretending to have arthritis and he went off to open a tin of v*t food instead.

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Monday, May 29th 2006 (number 802)

Memorial Fredcat! Large image

Mr. B. watched Fredcat as the latter slowly rose to his paws and hobbled gingerly towards the top of the stairs. "That's it," ordered the Grumpy One, "It's time to check your right front leg. To the v*t's office we go!" Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, reluctantly agreed and the three of them sped off to see the friendly v*t; Fredcat giving a rousing rendition of a wailing feline being dragged somewhere he didn't want to go. The vet's diagnosis was surprising. "Fredcat has a touch of osteoarthritis - but he is doing very well for a cat of his age," he said, "His stiffness eases with movement - which is why he exhibits so few symptoms later on in the day. As he's in the very early stages of this condition there's nothing that needs to be done, right now."

When the Famous One was comfortably ensconced on his best round bed, on his favorite chair, on the screened porch, he pronounced on the v*t's diagnosis. "What the v*t really meant was that I need to be cosseted as much as possible - remember that I'm only five years old, so we'll have less of the crack about doing well for a cat of my age. Now, as this is the Memorial Day weekend, and you humans are both around to look after me, I'm going to have a bit of a lie down after the trauma of the visit to the v*t's office. I'm off to my big box bed."

"Why do you like boxes so much?" asked Cathie, "I've noticed that all felines seem disposed to creep into boxes at the drop of a hat. It seems to be one step up from sitting on paper. Why, when we were at the v*t's office, you plonked yourself on the only magazine in the room and we had to inch you off it!"

Fredcat wriggled a bit and finally admitted that cats like boxes because they are really space travel machines. "Once inside a box we can travel to wherever we want to and emerge from a box at our destination. That's why you're frequently unable to find me, even though you're sure I'm in the house; I've usually popped off to some other locale for a while. Boxes are rather like the T.A.R.D.I.S.. Never fear, I always come back to my original box, though," he added, looking Cathie straight in the eye. "I could show you any number of pictures of cats using boxes as space travel machines, but you must promise never to tell anyone in the whole wide world."

"We'll never speak a word of this to anyone," said Mr. B., "Although I think that your touch of arthritis has turned your brain a bit. The T.A.R.D.I.S. enables one travel through both time and space - yet your box seems limited to moving you through space, only." But the Famous One wasn't listening to this nitpicking point; he had climbed into his big box bed and had started dreaming of travelling the world.

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Friday, May 26th 2006 (number 801)

Towelling Fredcat! Large image

It was coming up to the long Memorial Day weekend and both humans were looking at the sky anxiously to see if rain were likely. "What we'd really like," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "is for the rain to come down at about three o'clock in the morning for, say, an hour - that keeps the garden looking lovely - then for it to dry up well before we have to get up, then for the sun to shine for the rest of the day - with little wind, and no more rain during daylight hours." "Ha! I don't think so," said Fredcat, sagely, "Unlike Mr. B., who glories in hot weather (like me) you have an aversion to very warm temperatures. If the weather becomes too hot you'll just end up putting any number of fans on - as befits a lady of, ahem, a certain age." Fredcat knew that he was taking a risk making free with this comment but he knew he was right in what he said, because Cathie hummed and hawed a bit as she sought a suitable riposte.

"When I say "warm weather" I don't mean blistering 90 degrees Fahrenheit!" she said, stiffly, "Even you, my lad, crawl under the shade of friendly shrubs when the sun gets up high over here. Even though you pretend to be a happy cat who adores heat, you like to have plenty of water available, iced whenever possible, located in several rooms in the Fredcat residence - as well as outdoors." And Fredcat had to admit that this was quite true.

"I see that the British Prime Minister is making another visit to see our President again," remarked Mr. B., "I wonder what's going on?" Fredcat frowned, the whiskers on his famous ginger and white face bristling in all directions. "This just isn't on, you know," he mewsed, "I really should've been kept in the picture with regards to this visit - as befits a clever and famous feline. I mean, the FBI and I do share a common seal, after all!"

"It must be something quite trivial," he continued, after thinking the matter through, "Yes, that'll be it. If it were anything of import they would have called me in. It's probably to do with the Europeans telling the President that, in his honour, Sweden have agreed to add the letter W into their alphabet, at last. So the President can be properly identified - at least in Sweden. I can rest easy knowing that."

"Well, here's something that extremely important, Fredcat," said Cathie, "Yesterday was Towel Day in memory of Douglas Adams, and I made sure that I was well protected from any dangers by having my favourite towel to hand all day. Did you?"

"Well, I love all kinds of crumpled clothing to lie on and towels are excellent for this - particularly if they are slightly damp," replied the lazy Famous One, "In fact, I think I'll pop off to see if the bed is still unmade, as I fancy a bit of a snooze, for a change." And off he went, completely forgetting to munch on a cat biscuit - which was most unlike him!

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Wednesday, May 24th 2006 (number 800)

Prolific diarist Fredcat! Large image

"Ta! Da!" sang Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. "Today's diary entry marks the 800th time I've put fingers to the Fredcat PC keyboard to type out your famous dairy, dear Fredcat. That's a striking testament to your d*gged persistence in preparing this here blog of yours!" Fredcat frowned a bit at the use of the word blog (which he is on record at having criticised as an extremely ugly noun) but he let it pass. Fredcat was pleased to hear that another milestone had been reached, however, but as his arithmetic was admittedly a little weak he asked Cathie to explain some large numbers, or even some very large numbers. "I mean numbers greater that nine, of course" he corrected himself quickly.

Now Cathie was an expert on large numbers (her dreamt of salary, for example) and so she set to. She explained to Fredcat that the universe was full of very large things like planets and stars and suchlike but Fredcat soon switched off as he tried to make sense of it all. "You mean that the sun is more than eight hundred times large than the earth?" he asked, amazed. Cathie looked at him and thought better of trying to educate him about the planetary system and beyond.

Fredcat sought a change of subject and Mr. B. came to his aid. "Do you know that a manufacturer of cat foods is planning to have a feline reality show where viewers can vote off one cat at a time until only one feline survivor is left!" he said. "If I were to vote, I'd vote them all of in the very first show. Then we could watch Star Trek and all those lovely World Cup soccer matches instead. That's a great idea!"

Even Cathie was against such a programme. "What's the point - when my Famous One would easily win!" she claimed, "Nobody would dare vote him off the show." She gave a meaningful glare at Mr. B. who wilted. But privately, Mr. B. was not so sure, he suspected that every cat would have some one to vote for them and the winner would be the one that mobilised the most voters via the intawebs. "That's the way it's done nowadays," he thought, glumly. "All the politicians do it, so why would every cat's best human friends be any different? It's all a bit over the top, but that's just the way it is.

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Monday, May 22nd 2006 (number 799)

Jobhunter Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat sighed. It was going to be another beautiful day and everything in the garden was, literally, rosy. Bunches of dark red roses had grown up the side of the screened porch and their delicate fragrance was very spring-like. Fredcat sighed again. He much preferred it when something was going on. He hated to be bored; monotony had its place but even though he loved to sleep for sixteen hours a day he did want some adventure during his waking hours. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, asked him to explain the heavy sighs and Fredcat opened up his heart to her. "It seems to me that my best days are behind me," he whispered, and he pawsed and sighed again.

"What absolute tosh! You need to get a new pastime," said Cathie, firmly, "Have you thought of learning a language for when you meet up with your friends from across the pond?" Fredcat wasn't quite sure where this pond was but he nodded, hopefully. "In Canada, for example," continued Cathie, "there's a region where a large number of people speak French instead of English - why don't you study the French language? You've plenty of spare time on your paws and I'm sure you'd be good at it. If you do well you could travel to Paris and whizz around the Peripherique." Actually, Cathie was sure Fredcat wouldn't even consider her last suggestion - she'd driven around the Peripherique and she knew it was one mad place to drive a car.

"Isn't there a more relaxed and less demanding job or pastime for me?" pleaded Fredcat. "Why can't I be a Best Boy in films? You're always telling me that I'm your best boy ..." He preened himself a bit. "I'm handsome and I'd do well on the silver screen. My famous colouring of ginger and white would come over very well there, I'm sure." He preened himself a bit more. Cathie looked firmly at him, and poured scorn on that idea by saying that he didn't even know what a Best Boy did!

Fredcat persisted with a thought that perhaps he could be a schoolteacher. "I know a lot about all sorts of things, you know," he averred, "Perhaps I could teach physics or chemistry and have loads of fun with different experiments; I've been used to dealing with that sort of thing in my crime fighting days."

But Cathie poured cold water on that too, (but not literally! That would be most dangerous!), and said, "You're in for a shock if you think that you'd be a good teacher, only the most dedicated folk can tackle that job." She laughed. "If I were you I'd stay at home and help Mr. B. by keeping out of his way; perhaps that's the best pastime for you, after all."

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Friday, May 19th 2006 (number 798)

Lazybones Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat looked at the waistline of Mr. B. and asked him if he'd thought of any other ways of keeping his weight in check, now that he'd given up on the idea of using the outdoor bike which Fredcat had dragged down from the loft the other day. Fredcat's question was not as rude as you might think, Dear Reader. To be fair, Fredcat's only interest in Mr. B.'s health was in ensuring that the latter was fit enough to carry out his housekeeping duties: to wit, feeding the Mighty One on demand, maintaining the cat litter trays, and ensuring that access to the screened porch and the front door was reasonable (bearing in mind current weather conditions, of course).

Fredcat added another item to his list. "I don't know if you've fully realised this but over the last few months I've been feeling that the stairs to the study are beginning to look a tad mountainous. The climb is becoming increasingly laborious and I've taken to letting you know when I want to be taken upstairs. By this I mean carefully lifting me up, carrying me upstairs in a comfortable cradled position and placing me gently on the carpeted floor." He pawsed for effect and continued, "Not just dragged upstairs and dumped on the cold bathroom floor - which has happened once! That's just not on."

Mr. B. sighed heavily and commenced his defence, "I've certainly noticed your becoming far more vocal recently, you've taken to bellowing an I'm back cry whenever you come into the Fredcat residence through your cat flap, and yes indeed, I've realised that my courtesy in giving you a free lift up and downstairs on occasions is now being taken very much for granted. I think that you've become a bit, shall be say, lazy in your old age. It wouldn't be tolerated in a human-only household or in a residence with any other normal pet living there."

But here he was sternly interrupted by Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, who quickly jumped to the Mighty One's defence, "Fredcat is not old he's simply decided that he wants to enjoy the comforts of life more as the days go by. You're quite capable of carrying a small twelve pound feline up and down the stairs a few times per day (helps to keep you fit!) and it gives my Fredcat a chance to think about other felines who are now taking up the crime fighting mantle. Your good friend Dana from LA told you all about that story, remember?"

She continued, "Fredcat can't be expected to do everything by himself - and it's a good job he is vocal with we humans; he doesn't yell a lot otherwise, and there's no general caterwauling from him, you know. He likes us to keep his litter tray clean, he's very particular about what he wants and he really doesn't ask for much of life." She bent to pick up and give Fredcat a quick cuddle and the latter was content. The "Mr. B. carrying him up and down" precedent had been set, and that was very pleasing. Naughty cat!

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Wednesday, May 17th 2006 (number 797)

Cycling advocate Fredcat! Large image

The series of thumps and bangs were clearly coming from the loft, as were the unmistakable noises of feline puffing and panting. "What on earth is going on?" thought the Grumpy One, getting up hurriedly to investigate. He found Fredcat in the hall outside the study, dragging along the family bicycle they'd brought across from England when they'd emigrated. (It had never been used since then, but that's outside of this story, Dear Reader). "What are you doing with that?" Mr. B. demanded, setting the bike upright and helping Fredcat to his feet. "These bikes are for humans - they're far too big and heavy for felines."

"Don't I know it!" said Fredcat, ruefully, "But it's National Bike To Work Week and I wanted to do my part in keeping down our horrendous petrol costs. Although, to be perfectly honest, I thought that you'd like to take this out for a spin - it'll help to help keep your weight down, you know, and it'd save you tons of money."

"No chance, mate," said Mr. B., "That bike stays where it is; the shops are far too far away and, like millions of American citizens, I like driving my car to do stuff. I do know that many Americans are determined to become fitter but some are obviously less committed than others."

"I thought you might cycle out and distribute some posters to advertise my internationally famous website," said Fredcat, a tad miffed with the way this conversation was going. "Some of my friends have really helped publicise my free bumper stickers - check out my photographs page; and you could do more by putting information on road signs telling the world about me. I need to feel wanted or else I might just pine away, don't you know."

"What are you drivelling on about?" snorted Mr. B., "You get all the attention you could ever want from your best human friend, Cathie, and I make up any shortfall by supplying food whenever you need it - so don't come crying to me with false tears of self pity." He was clearly still cross at just the thought of giving up using his precious motor car!

"Now, if you don't mind I'm off to make the pipecleaner man dance on the Fredcat PC whilst Cathie is still at work. She can't cycle to work it's far too far away, I've already explained that to you once. I suggest that whilst we wait for her to come home, you think up some good ways to save us money by eating less expensive grub." And true to his word, he headed upstairs - leaving a Fredcat so severely shocked that he immediately went to the kitchen and starting chowing down on the rest of his biscuits - that'd teach Mr. B. to be sarcastic to a famous cat!

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Monday, May 15th 2006 (number 796)

Mothering Fredcat! Large image

"You know, as an emigrant English cat, once again I have to decide whether to celebrate the US Mother's Day or the British Mothering Sunday," said Fredcat. "For me it's clear - I'm duty bound, if nothing else, to celebrate both days. I know that we cats are mostly solitary creatures who live apart from their parents and of course, I wouldn't want to live with my mother (I'm far too grown up for that) but it would be nice to be able to visit her occasionally. "I think it's very nice that you take the time to think about her after all these years," replied Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "Even solitary cats can live in harmony with other felines if the circumstances are right." She looked hopefully at Fredcat and also at Mr. B. but neither male so much as blinked an eyelid. They'd heard it all before.

It was time to change the subject in case Cathie pursued the extra felines point so Fredcat announced that he'd decided to become a Gorgeous Ginger. "It's my famous ginger and white fur that clinched it," he purred, "I've been contacted by an English blogger (he cringed at the word blogger - he thought rather ugly to describe the magnificent work he did with his daily diary), "We're exchanging information about our sites - you can see the Glorious Ginger thing on my home page. I am rather glorious, aren't I!"

Mr. B. was singularly unimpressed. "Just because you have some mangy ginger fur covering a chunk of your torso, it doesn't give you the right to boast that you've suddenly become a star," he observed. "It's like saying that all pigs or parrots who have distinctive markings or have special skills should belong to a special group. It's all a matter of luck whether you end up with super hair or not." Mr. B. was clearly very jealous of the fact that Fredcat had been singled out for this honour.

But Fredcat need not have worried, as his Cathie came leaping to the rescue. "I'll have you know that the Mighty One's fame has spread far and wide," she said, crossly. She glared at Mr. B. for quite a while, thinking up more cross things to say. The Grumpy One shuffled uncomfortably. "At least Fredcat has got some decent hair on his head," she finally added, "And, by the way, some parrots are very skilful; you should hear them before you criticise!" And Fredcat and Cathie stomped off together, muttering. Oh dear!

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Friday, May 12th 2006 (number 795)

Disaster averted! Large image

"WHAT HAPPENED????" Fredcat stomped up and down, tense as a coiled spring, almost bouncing, Zebedee-like, whilst at the same time doing his utmost to glare at Mr. B. The latter shrugged his shoulders and said nothing. "I saw this awful error message where my diary entry should be, and it said that my diary no longer exists, and to please check this, or check that, or check the other!" He pawsed for breath. "NO LONGER EXISTS!!! After nearly eight hundred special dictations to my best human friend, Cathie! And now the intawebs tells me it's all gone!" Fredcat was clearly in a peevishly, bad mood - and unforgiving, to boot.

Finally Mr. B. cleared his throat and said, "Stop this silly complaining This must have happened when I renewed the famous Fredcat Hosting arrangement with Go Daddy; we were coming to the end of our three year deal with them and I needed to renew it so that we could continue with your famous website." He looked nervously at Fredcat, who understood but clearly didn't care. "I have a call in right now with their technical people to fix this computer glitch; they promised it would all be sorted out within a day or so - maybe even more quickly." He turned to the Fredcat PC, and a sigh of relief swept over him, "See, look, it's working perfectly now, and lots of your favourite feline friends are still here." And so it was and so they were.

"Is it really three years since we started this diary of yours?" asked Cathie, "We need to publicise this far and wide." We stopped counting your visitors ages ago - I wonder just how many of our earlier readers are still with us."

"I have to admit the first diary entries were rather, errr, pathetic," remarked Mr. B., rather boldly, "but we've made adjustments and added all sorts of things as we learned about stuff." He wasn't specific but to steer Fredcat's attention away from misbehaving intaweb diaries he suggested that as a treat the Famous One could choose whatever food he liked to celebrate the third anniversary of his famous diary. "Start thinking about it now, Fredcat," he said, "June 12th will roll around soon enough, believe you me."

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Wednesday, May 10th 2006 (number 794)

Caregiver Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat liked to watch out for his best human friend, Cathie, to come home from work. He had two good vantage points: one at the top of the steps, where he had a wonderful view of the roadway, and the second from deep in the shrubbery which had a more restricted view but was far more comfortable. Today he was in the shrubbery, because Mr. B. had not long finished the annual round of mulching - mulch was lying thick and dry around the shrubs (and providing an interesting aroma, to boot), all of which pleased the Mighty One. The only possible drawback was the absence of grass in the shrubbery, but Fredcat had only to take a few paces to be up to his famous little neck in thick long green stalks, as the Grumpy One hadn't got as far as mowing the lawn.

Fredcat waited patiently for Cathie to stop the car and shut the door behind her before he walked carefully into the Fredcat residence. He was always wary of cars, even the one that Cathie drove. Come to think of it, he was not sure if he'd even been inside the Cathie car (not that he wanted to explore it - no, sir!) Cathie heaved her purse onto the table and bent down to pick up and greet her darling feline.

"We've been celebrating National Nurses week in work," she said, "These people do a wonderful job, I've met dozens of them since moving to the US, and I'm so grateful for their kind attention whenever I've been sick." She smiled and gave Fredcat an additional chuck-a-chin. "They work in the hospitals where I'm been sent from time to time - and I also work with them, where I work!"

"V*t*s offices employ nurses, don't they" asked Fredcat, warily, "Are they the same nurses as the ones you're used to? Do v*t's nurses have to pass tests, just as human nurses do? Do they all have to know those long words that sometimes trip up the Grumpy One?" He peered at said list which Cathie showed him and gulped. "Um! There are some fine looking words there, and no mistake," he said, "D'you know, even though I'm very well qualified I think that one or two of those would stump even moi." This was an "incontrovertible" admission from the Mighty One, and no mistake!

"Never mind about the words," said Cathie, "Go and help bring in some shopping which I did on the way home, there's a nice piece of chocolate cake for Mr. B., lots of jelly baby sweets for me, and a small tin of fresh tuna for a very famous cat friend of mine. And I have a HUGE parcel to open from overseas - so jump to it!" That did it. Fredcat quickly rounded up Mr. B. and together they did the honours. Satisfaction all round - for a few hours, at least!

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Monday, May 8th 2006 (number 793)

Precipitation-y Fredcat! Large image

Mr. B. watched Fredcat closely over the weekend. Was the Famous One's gait uneven? Was he stumbling? Was he favouring one front paw over another? The negative answers to these questions were most encouraging and Mr. B. was able to report to Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, that all appeared well. She had visited the sister v*t's office a few miles away to obtain the prescribed medication and Fredcat had been dosed twice already without fuss. The v*t had remarked that Fredcat was a very docile cat (!) - which had amused Fredcat and his humans. Cathie recalled wryly that in the past she'd sported lengthy scratches on her body to prove the how fractious Fredcat really could be.

"I think we've been conned," said Cathie, as she watched a seemingly healthy Fredcat, but she was nevertheless concerned about his enlarged heart. In the end it was decided that Fredcat's heart was not giving him undue problems and in any case he was loath to have his famous ginger and white fur shaved to undergo the cardiac ultrasound. Even though it would only take a few minutes to perform it would take several weeks for his fur to re-grow and Fredcat was understandably concerned about that.

Whilst Mr. B. watched Fredcat, the latter watched the weather. It had rained from the moment the Mighty One had persuaded Mr. B. to get him breakfast right through to evening time, and this was not what the Famous One had ordered. "The weather was fine for the Cinco de Mayo celebrations," he muttered, "Why do I have to suffer?"

"I wanted you to dress up for that," said Cathie, "I'd bought you a smashing new bow tie for the day - it's very easy to slip on and is much easier than trying to tie a tie." But Fredcat wasn't interested in ties, he wanted to go out and patrol his territory - but still the rain continued! He knew that some cats had no choice but to go out whatever the weather - his good friend Dana from LA had told him of a cat who regularly carried out inspections - not only of their territory, but also of the human military folk that also lived there!

"If I can't go outside, what can I do?" he complained, bitterly. The screened porch is too cool to rest in despite one of my comfortable round beds being out there. I went in there twice recently and was shivering so much that I curled up in the corner to keep warm - and someone locked me out there!!" Cathie looked a bit sheepish at that and hastily asked Fredcat if he would like Mr. B. to teach him one of his new games but Fredcat sniffed and pretended he was on his last legs again. "Perhaps if you were to get down some decent tuna from the 'fridge and warm it up to body temperature it might make me feel better," he said. Which, unsurprisingly, it did!

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Friday, May 5th 2006 (number 792)

Stressed out Fredcat? Large image

Fredcat sat at the bottom of the stairs leading to the study and meowed, loudly. He kept this up for some time until Mr. B. came running. "What's the fuss?" demanded the Grumpy One, but Fredcat ignored him and kept on meowing, moving around in tight little circles as if he'd lost his way. Mr. B. looked more closely and spotted something odd in Fredcat's gait. In the end there was nothing for it but to call on Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. "Here!" he shouted, "I know it's National Pet Week but I think you need to come and look at your own pet for a moment." The humans peered closely at Fredcat and it was obvious that something was amiss. The Mighty One was definitely favouring his front left paw in preference to his right front paw. Perhaps he had a splinter? Or worse? A brief examination revealed no obvious clue to the problem. Gulp! went the Cathie throat and she leapt to the telephone and within minutes they were on their way (again!) in Mr. B's car to the v*t's office, with Fredcat doing his usual wailing job.

"There was little doubt that the Famous One has been stressed, amongst other things," opined the v*t, "for Fredcat's stout heart is beating much more quickly than it should be. An X-ray of the Fredcat insides has revealed that the Famous One's heart is slightly enlarged."

"Gulp!" went Cathie and Fredcat together. "I'm not sure I like the sound of this," said the Mighty One, and immediately started sneezing. When he had finished, he started walking round the v*t's office without displaying the slightest sign of an unbalanced gait. In and out of the chairs and round and round the room. His stout heart had slowed to a normal rate, partly because of the rest and attention he was receiving, and partly because of the dose of Lasix the v*t had given him.

"I wouldn't be too worried about my enlarged heart," Fredcat said, "It's enlarged because I have so much love in there for my best human friend, Cathie. She and I are such very best mates, you know!" After various additional tests had been conducted, the v*t prescribed more medication and ordered an echocardiogram test to be carried out later on. Heavy of heart and lighter of wallet, the trio returned to the Fredcat residence. Fredcat made not one sound on the journey home, as usual, and he leapt out of the car and was soon nuzzling up to his favourite meal of tuna.

"You are so kidding us, Fredcat!" yelled Mr. B. when the Famous One has finished eating. "You're making a fuss because you've realised that the special English date and time of 01:02:03 04/05/06 has passed - and you missed it!" But Fredcat and Cathie reminded the Grumpy One of the vet's advice that Fredcat be taken home and, quote, unquote, "be observed for any further signs of distress".

"I need to be cosseted a lot, as I'm clearly stressed out," said Fredcat, "I need to be carried upstairs - and downstairs now; there are to be no loud noises and, errr, I need this room to be redecorated as the current decor offends my senses and stresses me out. And we could do with a new couch, I think - the old one really stresses me out, too, and ..." He wandered off, casting a critical eye over his surrounding as he went.

"Stressed? He's stressed???" cried Mr. B., "I'll give him "stressed", what's good enough for us should be more than good enough for him!" And a soothing Cathie led him away calmly, for a nice lie down.

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Wednesday, May 3rd 2006 (number 791)

Registered voter Fredcat? Large image

Yesterday was voting day across the nation and Fredcat was keen for Mr. B. and Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, to play their part. "Look! I promised my faithful readers that when we all became US citizens we would register to vote - and then vote. Whatever was going on," proclaimed Fredcat, majestically, and there was no arguing with him. Have you registered yet?" was his first question, "And have you received the official letter back from the County Board of Elections? They send you a very impressive document which says, all in capitals: THIS IS AN IMPORTANT VOTING NOTICE. It looks very official but, it turns out, there's nothing to be worried about."

Mr. B. looked contemptuously at Fredcat, "Of course we have, we're very good at detailed stuff and we've had our registration cards ready to use for some time now. We're just going to the voting place ready to cast our first votes. It's a couple of miles away so we have to go in my car. You could come along as well," he offered, but this suggestion was met by a vigorous shake of the famous ginger and white Fredcat head.

"Hold on," said Fredcat, "How do you know for whom to vote?" (Fredcat preened himself on knowing a bit of grammar, not like those songbirds who were just starting along the long and winding trail of communicating with humans at this early time of day!). "I demand you examine the credentials of the candidates carefully. I don't mean all that silly stuff about which universities these folk attended you know. Magna cum laude? Huh! I have a BA and a PhD so I really should be called Dr. Fredcat the Famous, but I'm far too modest for all that malarky. What I really want to know is - how do they stand on the issue of felines?"

"I mean, do they even had a feline residing with them? Do they prefer d*gs? Ugh! Will they bring in legislation to make v*t's offices more feline friendly with proper feeding bowls with cool flowing water, and with sensible, boxed in, private litter trays available to casual visitors like me? Some of the legislation projects seem rather strange compared to my ideas. I understand you both wouldn't be averse to a federal and state tax break for having the expense of looking after my needs, modest as they are. You really ought to do your research first before you shoot off to voting stations, you know. And one final question, where's my best tinned tuna? If you're going out to vote, the least you can do is provide me with a brief snack before you go."

With this final remark, Fredcat sauntered off to one of his downstairs round beds and settled for a kip. He knew the humans would get round to upping the ante on his feeding soon enough but he'd always found that it was a good idea to put your request in early!

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Monday, May 1st 2006 (number 790)

Referee-ing Fredcat! Large image

"Another black plastic bag please!" commanded Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. Fredcat looked on agog. Clothes were being hauled off hangers in the closet and Cathie was neatly folding them into steadily rising piles before carefully inserting them into black plastic bags. She was talking to herself as she worked, "Too old! Past it! Never fit in that one again!" and, quite often, "Where did that come from?" She appeared quite happy in her work. Mr. B. brought over a new bag, "Are you perhaps going a little overboard with this?" he said, in a mildly alarmed tone, "You don't have to throw all of them out at once, you know; you might like to keep a few back for later, just in case."

This suggestion didn't go down at all well with Cathie, and Fredcat watched as another little human scenario was played out in his presence. He enjoyed watching these scenes as he invariably (if he played his cards right) ended up with an injured party going downstairs to the kitchen for some comfort food - and he was invariably included. The longer the discussion, the more food he was offered. It was like a piece of mathematical logic.

Soon Cathie had finished but the "discussion" (to Fredcat's disappointment) had petered out with Mr. B. acquiescing to Cathie's requests. "Please put these bags out for the Vietnam Vets folk to collect, I have to go out for a little while." Actually this was good news because as soon as Cathie's car had left, Mr. B. crept down to the 'fridge and took out the vanilla and peaches ice cream carton. This was something that Fredcat enjoyed and he waited patiently until Mr. B. duly obliged, "So long as you keep mum!" he ordered. Fredcat didn't answer, he was too busy licking the ice cream off the spoon in his feline way, using the underside of his tongue.

It was several hours before Cathie returned, "I have been to a spa!" she said, and shook her tousled head several times. "It wasn't a health spa, it was a proper hairdresser's shop, but they called it a spa; they even had one of those strange massage chairs for when you were sitting down - it was very nice but a bit peculiar, if you know what I mean."

She shook her hair several times more until Mr. B. came to his senses and remembered what he had to say. "You look terrific!" he said, and received a radiant beam in reply. "And as it's May Day today, I was wondering if we should eat out for a change," remembering the second most important thing about new hair-do's (and associated clear-outs of old clothes). "We could bring back something nice for Fredcat too, you know." This last remark was designed to pander to the catwoman in Cathie and it worked beautifully, to the Famous One's delight. Only a couple of hours to go and then, even more food. He liked living in the Fredcat residence with Cathie - even with Mr. B. there!

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