Thursday, June 30th 2005 (number 558)

Language skills! Large image

"I've noticed that the United States of America has a wide variety of people living within its boundaries and many of them speak a language other than English," said Fredcat, "I'd always assumed that English was the common language here. But sometimes I hear people talking and I simply don't understand them It's very confusing when that happens."

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, agreed and was quick to add, "It's not quite true that the most common language spoken is English either, Fredcat. The English language has evolved in America, and and now an American version of English is what's written and spoken. It called American English. So the Tower of Babel's confusion of languages is still there!" she chuckled.

"Luckily the word 'cat' hasn't been altered much, said Fredcat, "It appears everywhere in all sorts of languages. The only phrase I didn't like in that link was the one about It's raining cats and d*gs. Can we please separate those canine creatures from we magnificent moggies?"

"'Fraid not, Fredcat" said Cathie, "It's usually up to a household as to whether they'll accept a d*g or not." That's the difference between canines and we felines," said Fredcat, sniffily, "Remember, it's we cats that choose the home and not the other way around - not like d*gs. They'll live anywhere. They can gnaw on a bone and will even snuffle around the kitchen floor looking for scraps!" (Fredcat clearly had a low opinion of the whole canine species.)

"I think they gnaw on bones to keep their teeth clean and sharp. Rather like you using your scratching post for your claws," remarked Cathie.

"That's why I keep my claws razor sharp, to make sure that canines in particular know what they're in for if they get too close. They can keep their teeth clean but I'll look after my claws thank you."

Well, I'm glad you chose us," said Cathie, firmly, "Life is never dull when a famous cat like you is around." Fredcat, of course agreed. That was a given!

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Wednesday, June 29th 2005 (number 557)

Decorator Fredcat Large image

"That bedroom looks grubby," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "It's in dire need of a good spring clean." Mr. B. promptly made himself scarce, hiding way out at the end of the garden pruning the shrubs. It did no good; when he sneaked back inside for a cold drink there was Cathie, paintbrush in one hand, can of paint in the other, all ready for him.

"I thought you said spring clean," said Mr. B, indignantly, "not completely redecorating." He went on, "I've got a great deal of work to do in the garden, and anyway, why can't Fredcat buckle down and do it? It's his markings on all the walls that show up against the white of the paintwork. Or, perhaps we can get someone in." This last statement really showed the desperation in his voice as the thought of using hard earned cash was anathema to him. But Cathie prevailed.

It took Mr. B. twenty minutes to prove that his last idea was the correct one. When Cathie came in to check on progress there stood Mr. B. surrounded by paint, most of it (fortunately) still in the tin but quite a lot was splashed elsewhere. Like on the ceiling and walls (where it should have been, but not how it should have been) and bedding (which he had omitted to cover up properly). A splash of paint had also landed within inches of the watching Fredcat, and Cathie was not best pleased. "He can't use turpentine to clean up the way we can," she said, crossly.

The next day Ricardo from El Salvador came and fixed the ceiling. He showed Fredcat exactly where his birth country was and Fredcat pointed out where he came from on the map. Later, Shawn and Beau came and fixed the walls whilst Mr. B. cleaned up the carpet. Fredcat liked them and gave each of them one of his business cards which Cathie had made especially for him. The end result was excellent and everyone was very pleased.

Fredcat mewed his pleasure at both Mr. B. and Cathie and immediately started to place his markings on the freshly painted walls. "Stop that!" cried Mr. B., but he was rightly restrained by Cathie who told him, "The walls are now nicely painted so I don't mind Fredcat's markings on them. It's his way of designating his territory, just like you grabbing the remote control to watch the sports channel just when I want to watch something enlightening on TV."

"Remember, Fredcat the Famous is a very sensitive cat, capable of vocalising up to 100 different messages to all and sundry. That's just one of the many reasons that he's so famous! Compare that ability to d*gs, if you will!" Fredcat was grateful for this last remark as he had a definite feeling of hunger coming on and he knew just the right sounds to make to The Grumpy One to get well fed. Yes, indeedy!

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Tuesday, June 28th 2005 (number 556)

Questioning Fredcat Large image

The Grumpy Mr.B. stalked into the Fredcat residence in a grumpier mood than normal and shot a mean look in the Fredcat direction. "Do you realise we have deer?!" he said. Now that, thought Fredcat, was a simple statement but one that defied explanation. "I know we've had mice around here but deer?" said Fredcat, "Come now, what's the problem with deer? They've been in these parts long before we came to live here and yet they've always stayed far away. And, like yours truly, they're cute - specially the little deer."

He looked at Mr. B. who was still glaring at anyone and anything. "We've had no trouble with deer," firmly repeated Fredcat, "They don't dare to come near my residence because, ahem, I'm far too famous. They find that a tad unnerving, you know." He smirked in a most irritating fashion.

"Wrong," snapped Mr. B, "They've been here during night hours and have eaten the leaves off all six of my new hydrangeas; they were just getting established. It will take ages before they recover, if they ever do. Doubtless tonight those creatures will return with all their mates and consume the rest of the plants. It'll be a case of Hey oop, here's a soft touch, dig in, fellas! Now Fredcat, it's up to you to put a stop to that nonsense, so get to it."

"What? How could this have happened?" said Fredcat, "I heard nothing, how did they get past my defences? Why didn't I hear them? My hearing is so acute I should easily have heard them. Did they eat any other plants? Will you have to replant then with new cuttings?"

Fredcat stopped, partially out of breath, and taking a quick gulp of air started up again but more carefully this time. "How do you expect me to scare them off? Consider the relative sizes of deer and cats. I would have to be super cunning to stop them. How am I to do that? Huh? What are we going to so?" And then, after asking all these questions, he sighed and said, less frantically, "Where's my tea?"

Mr. B. exploded at this last question. "Fredcat, all you seem to do is ask questions. Questions! Questions! Questions! How about some answers for a change!" But Fredcat knew the answer to this one. "I have to ask questions to get at the answers. Only by knowing the full facts can I make a deduction on how best to solve the problem!"

But Mr. B. was not to be put off. "How are you going to solve the problem?" he said, menacingly. Back came the reply from a patient Fredcat, "It's quite simple, I'm going to pass the buck back to you. First you go to the kitchen, take down a fresh food bowl, empty a new packet of best beef into it and place it carefully in my usual eating area. I'll do the rest. Come on, hurry up. Make it so."

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Monday, June 27th 2005 (number 555)

Secretive and hidden cat Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was calling Fredcat. But he wasn't interested. The morning sun was far too pleasant on his back and he didn't stir. Maybe he might move in an hour or so ... Perhaps .... It wasn't that he didn't want to move from his comfortable hiding place, it was just that sometimes he liked to think about days gone by without interruption.

The calling finally ceased and it was much later when he finally stirred and crept out from behind the shrub in the front garden and made his way indoors. "Where's my lunch?" he asked. Cathie rounded on him, "Where have you been, Fredcat? I don't want you hiding when I call, I expect you to come immediately, it could have been important! I've had Mr. B. searching for you everywhere, I thought you'd been run over!" Fredcat stopped listening, as the comments continued. Even though Cathie was his best human friend it was occasionally easier to just smile amiably and get on with what he wanted to do without fuss.

"I haven't been hiding," sighed Fredcat, "If I'd been properly hiding you'd never have found me, to be sure! It's just that I didn't really want to be found. Not like this imp who seems to enjoy hiding, although he doesn't seem to do it very well, in my opinion. Some of the places he's chosen seem quite daft to me." And Fredcat settled down to the plate of goodies that Cathie had provided at last.

"What if you were really, er, expired," said Cathie, "We would want to know where you were so that we could give you a decent burial, at the very least. Or organise a huge party in celebration of your famous life!" "Pardon me," snorted Fredcat, "I'm going to outlive all the current human residents in the Fredcat residence, have no fear. I'm unsinkable!"

"Oh, yes," sniffed Mr. B. "And who will look after you, pray, when we're long gone? There's be no money to continue to pay for your sumptuous mode of living and general upkeep, you know. And you're not that unsinkable," he added with a snort. "That's where you're wrong," smiled Fredcat, "All we have to do is all move to Hawaii, and then you make out a proper will and testament and, hey presto, I'll be rich and living in the lap of luxury for the rest of my life." Hmmm. There was no arguing with that.

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Saturday, June 25th 2005 (number 554)

Summertime is here! Large image

It was another glorious day and Fredcat even let Mr. B. wake up all by himself without the usual prodding from the Fredcat nose. Fredcat laughed inwardly when the Mr. B. woke at 0530 am. "Yes! Success!" he thought, "Now I can rest easy, the Grumpy One's been fully trained."

"No wonder you've woken early," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, with a straight face, "You do realise that about now is Midsummer's Day - when days are longer than usual. Waking earlier is Mother Nature's way of telling you that you have boundless energy and that Mr. B. can afford to spend most of the day looking after you whilst I go shopping for works of literature."

"Oh, you mean books!" smiled Frecat. "I'm not sure if I understand why days are longer in the summer. Surely all days are of the same duration," he frowned. "If they are longer why can't we keep days that way all the time, then I could have even more meals during the day. In fact, if we doubled the length of the day I could easily consume twice as much food." He considered this possibly with a great deal of inner satisfaction.

"If that were the case," said Cathie, "then your nights would be correspondingly shortened and you'd have far less time to sleep - and possibly catch mice." Mr. B. jumped in at this juncture, and slyly asked, "When was the last time you actually caught anything, Fredcat? Months ago, methinks!"

"That's all relative," said Cathie, "Do you realise that it's a hundred years since Albert Einstein dreamt up his famous Special Theory Of Relativity? I heard it on the radio."

Fredcat considered this and said, "I know I've been seeking information about my relatives recently, but I don't see where Albert Einstein comes ino it. Surely he died ages ago? How can he help me track down my relatives??" Cathie sighed heavily, and said, "I think the summer sun is getting to you. You'd better go and have a lie down, my little love. in a nice air-conditioned room"

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Friday, June 24th 2005 (number 553)

Champion guzzler! Large image

It was standard procedure, well rehearsed; Fredcat pre-empts the morning alarm by some margin, nuzzles Mr. B., pushing the Grumpy One downstairs, and is served his first dollop of breakfast. As soon as his best human friend, Cathie, has left for work, it's back upstairs and meowing loudly until a second plate of food is prepared and subsequently downed. Result: two empty Fredcat food plates side by side before 8am.

As the day wore on Mr. B. made a silent tally of the quantity of food the Famous One was consuming. "I reckon that we're spending more on the Fredcat innards than we do on our food," he complained, when Cathie returned home. "That cat of yours is overeating."

"You're right," said Cathie, "That cat is eating for Britain! And probably eating for the US as well, methinks. We want no obese cats in this house."

"Can't we get him to take up some sporting activity?" queried Mr. B. "Like tennis, maybe? Running around a tennis court would do wonders for the Fredcat waistline. He could get a lot of pointers from watching the British tennis players at the Wimbledon Championships this week."

Cathie laughed. "Oh yes, which of the British players will he be copying? The best example of a British tennis player is one that watches the others players compete! Didn't the game originate in England? We Brits seem to be good at inventing games that we're no good at anymore."

"That's not fair," said Fredcat, entering the room. "We Brits have so many interests we spread out talent very thinly so we're bound to slip up now and then. Also, there's a new British tennis kid on the block (Andrew Murray) who is quite a player and he's only eighteen year's old! And remember the most famous spy in the world in modern times is James Bond. That shows we can be great at some things." Mr. B. was just about to remind Fredcat that James Bond was a fictional hero when he thought better of it. It's nice to have a reason to be famous, unlike Fredcat! Huh!

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Thursday, June 23rd 2005 (number 552)

Warning! Goslings at work! Large image

"Fredcat, do you remember some time ago when I was at work one day, I found a poor, sickly nuthatch?" asked Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. "Well, today I had to walk through a flock of Canadian geese and their goslings. Those parent geese were very protective of their young and I walked on by very quickly, I can tell you. I was quite scared, for a moment!"

Fredcat shrugged his famous shoulders and commented that Cathie clearly needed a Fredcat Anti-Goose Guard as those birds would probably be more afraid of him than the other way around. After all he was a very famous cat - and a carnivore - and his job was to chase and catch birds. He was still smugly basking in the glory of having his picture reproduced again in the News and Observer newspaper.

"I don't think so," said Cathie, "Those birds are really ferocious when angered. They will attack anyone or anything - even cats! - if they think their goslings are threatened. I wouldn't fancy a peck from one of those creatures." She shuddered.

"Hmmm, OK, stop shuddering," said Fredcat, "Try and think nice thoughts. Aren't there more docile creatures around? Surely not all birds and animals are terrifying." Cathie thought for a moment, "What about sheep? Sheep are considered a pretty dim lot and they wouldn't give you much trouble. What's more, they taste good, especially in a nice lamb stew!" Fredcat himself shuddered here. Clearly he had forgotten that some of the best meat that he so enjoys derives from dim-witted sheep.

But he then conceded that there is good pickings on a sheep - and that lamb is certainly a healthy food. "I suppose that by eating healthy foods like lamb and drinking the best bottled water I can enjoy a long and healthy life," he said. "I certainly get enough exercise climbing the stairs at my residence. Of course the longer we cats live the more likely we are to suffer from illnesses. I know that I've probably been subjected to maladies simply because of my age." But Cathie leapt in quickly and reminded him that in reality he was only five years old. This thought comforted Fredcat as he made his way to his food bowl, ignoring the Grumpy Mr. B. who wanted to, err, 'discuss' the question of best bottled water.

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Wednesday, June 22nd 2005 (number 551)

Considering options ... Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, telephoned Fredcat at his residence and told him the news. "You've been featured in the newspaper again," she said excitedly. "See for yourself!" Fredcat looked at Tuesday's edition of the News and Observer newspaper. There it was in glorious colour - another shot of the Fredcat face staring out of the paper. "How did this happen?" he asked.

Fredcat demanded that Mr. B. search out the story and soon the article was open for all to see. "What's the story then?" demanded Fredcat, excitedly. Mr. B. gave a little chuckle. "Ha! This article is all about very young people who have allergies, such as hayfever. The piece was examining different allergens, where they might be found, and how they could affect the health of young people."

"So I'm linked to allergies, am I? Well, that's not unreasonable," said the Famous One, "My recent famous tour of the VSH was caused by my having a chronic allergy, so it makes sense that I'm now being seen as the poster child for victims of allergies. It took ages to resolve out that particular problem of mine." Mr. B. looked at him with a quizzical expression, "Actually, I think the article is rather suggesting that cats are an allergen, rather than the victims of allergies, Fredcat."

"What!" exploded Fredcat, "Let me have a closer look at that! Oh, no, that's awful! I am, too, a victim of allergies! Don't forget, I have that lymphoplasmacytic rhinitis allergy thang." And he slumped unhappily to the ground. "Look, old chap," said Mr. B. "Don't feel too bad, you know that as far as the media are concerned, all publicity is good publicity. And people out there don't remember the bad things that might have been said, but only remember the famous things that are being talked about. And the latter is definitely you! So don't despair!"

But Fredcat was not to be comforted. "I don't care about the notoriety - I am already famous enough. What I really object to is the fact that my famous photograph has been placed right next to a photograph of (shock, horror), a d*g! That's just awful. I need to have a lie down to recover, and when I wake up I shall be on the telephone straight away to my agent. I can't think what caused him to permit this. No 10% for him this time!" And he stalked off to have a nap and consider his options, the very picture of a frantic famous feline. The Grumpy One watched him go and thought, "Agent? He hasn't got an agent!, what is he thinking of."

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Tuesday, June 21st 2005 (number 550)

Climbing Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat watched and winced as Mr. B. fumbled again and again at the keyboard of his PC. Missed letters, commas and colons, all appeared willy-nilly, all over the place, and duplicate words were there for all to see - or not - as he struggled to keep up with the dictation of the Maestro. "Slow down, Fredcat," spluttered Mr. B., as he gamefully tried to keep up with a torrent of words from the pontificating Famous One, "You'll have to start again, I'm afraid. I've totally lost what you were saying."

Fredcat sighed. Was the Grumpy One becoming even more grumpy? Was it possible to be more grumpier that grumpy? "I've seen cats that are smarter than you," he said, "How is it possible to make so many mistakes? Take a look at this smart moggie. Now she's an excellent trainer, I wish I had her here to give you a bit of training on dealing with a simple blog. You really are useless."

Mr. B. looked glum. "Fredcat, I get tired by the end of the day - what with running around after you all the time." Fredcat was not impressed, and he said so. "Getting my food on time a few times a day hardly qualifies you for a lengthy rest."

"Well ... OK, but not all cats are clever," said Mr. B., "I've recently seen a short video of a cat that was saved from being stuck very high up in a tree. The cat couldn't get down by itself and the tree was too unsafe for any human to climb so the tree was given a thorough shake, and cat, together with a large branch, tumbled down and were both caught in a large blanket. A superb rescue job! However ... well, you just watch the video and see what that feline did and then answer me this: Who is the smarter, that cat or me?"

Fredcat looked at Mr. B., and smiled patronisingly. "You really don't get it, do you?" he said. "Cats bring a bit of joy to humans. That's why we decide to live with you. An occasional cat might get scared and scarper when the world and his wife are watching, but wouldn't you? That cat was really smart! He (or she) got his story in the media, world-wide, and he is now basking in a type of notoriety that few cats ever achieve."

"From now on, who do you think is going to get loads of petting and oodles of good food for the rest of his (or her) life? Not the stay-at-home pussycat, that's for sure! This notorious feline - that's who! The one who had the whole world watching his escapades. That's the very reason why I am so famous, and you are just a d*gsbody." At this Fredcat gave up on his dictation and let Mr. B. slink away for a while. Tomorrow he would start training Mr. B. himself.

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Monday, June 20th 2005 (number 549)

Championship golfer Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat watched intently as his two humans returned from the subdivision gathering. They came into the Fredcat residence, flopped into comfy chairs and switched on the TV. "Erm, you guys, where's my share of the spoils then?" b*rked Fredcat, "I thought the idea of my letting you two attend the local gathering was so that I would benefit from a tasty morsel or two of BBQ'd beef on your return!"

Fredcat was not a happy cat. The guilty look on the face of his supposed best human friend, Cathie, said it all - there was no beef, BBQ'd or otherwise. He leaned close to both humans. He could definitely smell beef. "No excuse," he muttered, as Cathie hastily opened a packet of fresh prawns as a sop.

"What were you two doing all evening?" he asked, grumpily, "I've been all alone here and I was so looking forward to something nice to eat."

"I'm sorry, Fredcat," replied Cathie, "but we were so caught up with chatting about this and that to a really nice bunch of people that the time quite sped by. When it came time for us to leave we found that the BBQ had been turned off, and we were feeling a bit chilly, so we returned home quickly without a chance to bring any pickings with us."

"You see, there have been a number of new residents who had recently moved into the neighbourhood at the gathering, so there were masses of introductions to be made all round. There were also lots of very young children there for us to meet and greet. And there were friends of residents as well! The time just flew by. But I'm sure that you'll be pleased that some of them asked specifically about you - you and your interesting Fredcat residence stone - so it wasn't all bad for you."

Fredcat was not convinced and, later on Sunday, when he had almost overcome his feelings of being ignored, he spoke up again. "I woke up nice and early this morning and meowed very, very, very loudly at Mr. B. to get my breakfast. Do you know what he had the audacity to say to me?? 'Get It Yourself!'. I couldn't believe it! Then the Grumpy One turned over and added 'Don't You Know It's Father's Day? I'm Staying In Bed Until Noon! So Hop It!'"

"And when he did get up he spent the rest of the day watching TV! Huh! He was watching the 2005 Open Golf Championship which was taking place at Pinehurst not a million miles from us in North Carolina. That was a disgraceful attitude!" But Cathie was suprisingly unrepentant. She told Fredcat not to be a nuisance to Mr. B. "He deserves a bit of peace, on this day of all days." This surprised Mr. B. a lot. He was nontheless grateful and he ate some of the English chocolates and biscuits he had received on this special day.

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Saturday, June 18th 2005 (number 548)

Father's Day Fredcat 2005! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, looked at the Maestro and dreamed. When she had rescued Fredcat (oh, those many years ago) she little thought of anything other than the appealing smile in his bright yellow eyes. Indeed, all she could see was his tiny face and the wary way he was examining her to see if she would measure up to his idea of Nirvana. She had passed the test easily, of course.

"Dearest Fredcat," she said, "You have no idea how much I wanted to take you home from the Freshfield Animal Rescue Centre. You were so ready to come home with me and meet your future mentor Forby."

"All these years we have lived happily together. From time to time when we've thought about your situation, you've sometimes wondered who your mother was and where she might be now. If your mother had been as long lived as you she would only be about sixte.. er, six years old now." She smiled. "And yet, in all those years with us, you've never mentioned your father, have you?"

This stopped Fredcat in his tracks. "Wow! You're right," he answered, "Does that mean that I've turned into a mother-fixated monster? Oh dear." He pawsed. "Well I suppose I could try to find out who my father is but that would be very difficult after all these years. I'll email the nice Freshfield folk to see if he can be traced but I don't really think they'll know. It's probably hard enough for them to trace my mother but it would probably be impossible for them to trace my father."

"Would you have liked to have been a father yourself?" asked Cathie. Fredcat smiled. "Well no, although it might have been very nice to have little kittens crawling around one's feet, I really had far too much to do being famous and all that. It's best an exercise left to other cats who have a paternal instinct a tad stronger than mine."

But when he was alone later, Fredcat thought about what he had said and became a little wistful. It was Father's Day this Sunday, after all. Perhaps it would have been nice to have a little Fredcat around ... Too late now, of course. And he pulled himself together and set to doing what Fredcat does best - being famous.

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Friday, June 17th 2005 (number 547)

Beribboned kitten! Large image

Fredcat inspected his front nearside leg once more. The fur on it was growing back nicely and he gave it yet another lick. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, watched him intently. "That looks as if it's coming along fine," she said, "If it keeps on growing at that rate your leg will soon be fully recovered and restored. I'm so pleased that you've come through all these troublesome times safely."

Mr. B. peered at the Fredcat fur even more intently, "You know, I think that if that fur of yours continues to grow at this rate, you're going to have to gather up all those long ginger and white strands and put them in a fancy pig-tail. Think of it - one straight leg, and the other fluffed up in a pig-tail, that'll make your walking and running a bit lopsided! You could even put a couple of pretty little pink bows in the pig-tail, Fredcat."

"That's enough," snapped Cathie, "he's doing very well, no more teasing, if you please!" But Mr. B. was in a jocular mood and he retorted at once, "Have you forgotten when he returned from his famous tour of the VSH the nurses tied a ribbon around his leg to keep his dressing on. A pink ribbon, no less! Surely that shows that those nurses thought they were dealing with a famous feminine feline!" He ducked hastily as a flying Fredcat leapt towards him.

"Stop it, children," commanded Cathie, wearily. "I don't want any more of this competitive behaviour in the Fredcat residence." Fredcat swiftly calmed down and admitted that he was fiercely competitive, being a male (and famous) cat and all that. Cathie's response was swift, "You do realise that the distaff side are becoming very competitive themselves nowadays, Fredcat; they are excelling at all educational levels. Why my best human friend has just completed her Bachelor of Arts (Hons) degree at, shall we say, a certain age, and she did it with flying colours. I am so very proud of her, she's obviously worked very hard."

"Oh, we're on to university degrees, is it," sniffed Fredcat, "Well I've got any number of those." And as he walked away and past the Grumpy One, he reached up and grinned softly, "See you tomorrow at around 5.30 am!" Clearly Fredcat can carry a grudge ...

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Thursday, June 16th 2005 (number 546)

International Soundbites cat! Large image

Fredcat was suffering a second day of being kept indoors. His best human friend, Cathie, was adamant that he remain in the shade once more. "We can't have you dehydrating," she explained in her best motherly voice. But Fredcat was not amused. "Look, I'm a grown-up famous moggie with all my senses intact, I love the heat and I like nothing better than to sit around all day doing nothing," he argued but it was to no avail. The door to the screened porch remained closed all day.

"The heat has been intolerable," Cathie remarked on arriving home from work. "I don't know how you two managed to stay cool." Fredcat glanced at Mr. B., who remained strangely silent. The Mighty One knew how the Grumpy One had managed it. The (empty) tub of strawberry ice cream was a silent testament.

Mr. B. was not so reticent, though. He had a complaint (as usual). "This cat," he started, "has been mewing all day long. It might have been the fact that the door to the screened porch has been kept closed (you know how cats hate to be hemmed in by closed doors) but no, it's his voracious appetite that's been the cause of unrest. Every ten minutes or so he's been wanting fresh food laid out for him. As soon as I enter the kitchen he's there, complaining. And the sounds he's making are out of this world."

"Now listen here," said Cathie, "How about saying something nice about Fredcat for a change? You're always complaining about him one way or another, you never say anything nice about him." Mr. B. was stumped. This was not the time for prevarication. Finally, he cleared his throat, "You know, when you said that you took Fredcat in those many (errrr, five) years ago (making a contribution to the Freshfield Animal Centre for looking after him until you came along), you must have thought that that was the best financial contribution you had ever made for Fredcat's future life with you. So, there!"

Cathie thought about that for a bit but just as she was about to say something biting in reply, Fredcat sidled up to her and said, "Look! It's evening now and the outside has cooled down a lot. I would dearly like to sit in the screened porch for the rest of the evening, how about it?" At this, Cathie's heart melted and she swept Fredcat up and carried him straight into the porch and left him comfortably ensconced there. "Great," thought Fredcat, I don't even have to walk now," and he settled down and nodded off.

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Wednesday, June 15th 2005 (number 545)

Pedigree Fredcat! Large image

The forecast was for a blisteringly hot day, with temperatures expected to reach 97 degrees! The heat index would make it feel even hotter. Fredcat explained that as an Unofficial State Feline he had the right to inspect his estate and reassured his best human friend, Cathie, that he would remain in the shade, but she wisely explained that once the sun had burned off the early morning mist the heat would be almost intolerable. "I'm glad to be living in North Carolina and not in some even hotter part of the US like Texas or Florida," she said, as she left for work, "I'll need the air conditioning on all day in my office."

Before she left, Cathie gave strict instructions to Mr. B. "Don't let Fredcat wander off outside and don't let him go in the screened porch during the heat of the day. I know he is famous, and all that, but one has to treat cats (and kittens) just as one would a young baby and ensure that things are done for them for their own good, even if they don't like it."

Mr. B. thought about this and wondered exactly where Fredcat was going to be allowed to kip all day long. He needn't have worried, Fredcat had any number of great sleeping places scattered all over his residence and he duly made his way to one of the cooler areas.

Later, whilst sipping from his fresh bowl of iced water, he asked Mr. B. what he thought of working cats, "You know, those poor unfortunates who are persuaded to make a living for their human benefactors. Fortunately I'm well placed because, like you, I'm effectively retired, as are most of my compatriot felines. They are all smart enough to latch onto humans who do all the donkey work whilst they themselves lord it over their residences. An excellent relationship - living in symbiosis, you might say!. You work and I play."

"I'm sure that if these cats and kittens were beautiful or handsome enough to be exhibited at cat shows then they would have adapted their lifestyles accordingly," summised Mr. B. "Mind you, I wouldn't want to go travelling too far in a hot vehicle, driving miles and miles into the countryside just to be gawped at."

The thought of Mr. B. being driven even to the end of the driveway of the Fredcat residence simply to take part in a beauty or talent show, was enough to cause the famous Fredcat grin to split the famous Fredcat face. "I think that is so droll. I bet even the famous Cheshire cat never had a laugh as big as that," scoffed Fredcat, "Now, about that packet of fresh prawns you have chilling nicely in the 'fridge...."

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Tuesday, June 14th 2005 (number 544)

Flagging cat! Large image

Fredcat was looking at the large map of the world pinned on the wall in his study. All the countries were displayed in bright colours which made for an attractive wall covering. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, would have preferred to see some paintings by the Old Masters there, but the Grumpy One insisted that their budget clearly didn't run to that.

Fredcat noted that today was Flag Day. "I'm not sure what Flag Day is for," he remarked, "But it seems that all these countries have an individual flag of their own - look, there's probably a couple of hundred of them pictured here at the foot of the world map." The two peered at the small images of the flags intently. Most of the flags have a combination of red, white and blue but there's a fair sprinkling of other colours too," remarked Fredcat, "Look! there are yellows, whites (surely that's cheating on colours) and around twenty five of them have black as part of their colours."

Fredcat continued, "I've decided that I would like a flag of my own. I first thought that the colours should be red, white and blue - because they're the colours of both my country of birth and my adopted homeland but, on second thoughts, I've decided that the colours of my flag have to be white and orange," he said (ignoring his earlier remark about white as a colour). "I see that no country has a decent combination of only orange and white in their flag - which really surprises me! They are definitely my favourite colours!" He preened his fur and gave an encouraging lick to his fast-growing front nearside leg fur.

"I see that many flags have pictures on them of something important to the country," said Cathie. "What, pray, will your symbol be?" "Tut, Tut! You hardly have to ask that of a renowned vexillologist such as I," snorted Fredcat, "A splendid drawing of me would be purrfect! I'll have to employ a proper artist to do a excellent portrait of my manly feline beauty."

"If only Picasso were alive, he would do you justice," snickered Mr. B., and received a glare from Cathie in return. She was quick to change the subject. "I see that you've been emailing all your many readers to tell them about your two-year milestone, Fredcat!" "Why, yes," he replied, "But I do fear that my list of email addresses may not be as up to date as it should!

So if you, Dear Reader, haven't received one of my Thank You emails then let me know - my old email address at the top of my diary still works. I've already had two very nice comments from Susan B and Susan L! Indeed, I think such a lively correspondence merits my receiving a celebratory packet of prawns for my tea, no?" He was by now so famous that Mr. B. served said prawns to Our Hero without demur. Lucky cat!

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Monday, June 13th 2005 (number 543)

Remarkable blogging cat! Large image

Fredcat looked at his latest diary entry and stared in amazement. "Do you realise that I started this famous diary of mine over two years ago - and it's still going strong?" He hopped around a bit on all four paws (three very furry paws, and one a tad less furry, but improving rapidly every day).

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, smiled indulgently and gently humoured him. "I really don't know where you get the energy from, it takes me all my time just to go to work and do stuff around the house. Here you are writing a daily (well almost) diary as if you had all the time in the world, and on top of all that, you do all sorts of famous things, too!"

Mr. B. was more succinct. "I think the only thing you do is write the diary, and then you spend the rest of your life kipping and eating," he said, darkly. But Fredcat was not to be denied his moment of glory. "Look! Over 500 diary entries and well over 100,000 visitors can't all be wrong!"

"Well, Fredcat, you've had a few troughs as well as peaks along the way, you know," Cathie reminded him, "You've had to pay several visits to the v*t's office, and you've had to endure many doses of medication. You hate the latter so much that you've led me a merry dance around the Fredcat residence on more than one occasion."

Fredcat smiled at this, and replied smoothly, "But you can't help loving me because I'm so adorable - as well as famous!" This mention of 'adorable' led to a loud snort from Mr. B. who was quick to remind Fredcat that on the last two mornings he had been woken at 5.45 am by a hungry Fredcat, despite the Grumpy One's protestations that it was the weekend - but Fredcat, as usual, ignored him.

"At least it's nice and cool now at night," remarked Cathie. "I'm so pleased that the new air-conditioning unit we've had installed is up and running; it has certainly helped me a lot."

Fredcat agreed. "Me too, I don't like to be overheated and even though I can tolerate higher temperatures and am well provided with iced water, I need the air-conditioning on as much as you." They looked at each other, smiled, and both sighed, contentedly. It was time for tea and they looked expectantly at Mr. B., who also sighed. There was never any rest for him in the Fredcat residence. Ah well!

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Saturday, June 11th 2005 (number 542)

Quizzical cats! Large image

Fredcat had been spending a lot of time outdoors as the weather had been so beautiful. "I know we cats like to sleep a great deal but you can hardly blame us for doing so when the outside temperature is so high," he admitted to his best human friend, Cathie. "Why I've often seen Mr. B. kipping away quietly when you're not around," he added (somewhat disingenuously).

"Hmmm, Mr. B. deserves to have his little naps now and again, he works very hard," said Cathie, stiffly, "And, I'm not keen on cats who tell tales out of school, so remember your manners, if you please." But Fredcat was not to be put off. "It's part of our feline persona that we are expected to be adorable, friendly, cuddly, home-loving creatures and we don't tell tales out of school, as you put it; we just like to tell it as it is. We're not catty, you know." Fredcat chuckled as if this crack had never been made before.

Cathie sighed. She hadn't the stomach to listen to Fredcat's twitterings today as she had several important things on her mind. She had many important and time-critical emails to compose and send to her far flung friends. She reckoned that as Fredcat thought that the world revolved around him, nothing else mattered, which was far from the case.

But Fredcat persisted, "We cats must be the friendliest creatures on the planet," he continued, "nothing is as lovely and as cuddly than we cats." He sniffed as loudly as he could as if to put an end to the matter. "You're not getting that sneezing cold back, are you?" said Cathie, in alarm, "I thought that had been cured." "Indeed not," replied Fredcat, "I reckon that my natural defences have come to the rescue and I'm now completely out of the woods as far as my recent illnesses are concerned. 'Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated', to quote someone even more famous than I!"

The Grumpy One listened to this exchange with amusement and asked, ever so politely, "Friendly creature, eh! I don't think so. Take worms for example, they are very quiet, do a lot of good in the garden and wouldn't hurt a fly, yet they are the constant target of predators like birds. And you, Fredcat, are a predator of birds, so you're indirectly responsible for the lack of worms around here."

Before Fredcat could frame a decent response to this dreadful logic, Mr. B. continued, "And what about cats that attack postal delivery persons? It looks like d*gs have outsourced this line of work to felines!" he said. "There is this merciless moggie who has harassed and scratched mail delivery folk so often that they won't deliver the mail to the cat's residence anymore. How terrible."

"That's because the mail person doesn't know whose cat it is," responded Fredcat quickly, "Try this little quiz to see if you can work out which cat doesn't belong to which group of cats. Turn the volume of your PC up. You have to be pretty quick for this contest, I'll tell you. I bet you can't!" So Mr. B. had a go, as did Cathie, but neither would divulge their success or failure rate to the other or to Fredcat - which could be deemed as suspicious in itself. Fredcat thought that they would both make very poor witnesses in a line up. See if you can do better, Constant Reader!

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Friday, June 10th 2005 (number 541)

Freshly hairiated cat! Large image

Fredcat spent several minutes washing his wounded leg. The scarring where the leg had been shaved by the good folks at the VSH had well healed and now all that was left was a large area on his front nearside leg where the famous ginger and white hair was slowing growing back.

"Does that hurt now?" asked Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "Every time I see your poor paw, I suffer a twinge of conscience that you had to be put through that anguish before finally being diagnosed with your lymphoplasmacytic rhinitis allergy thang."

Fredcat stopped his licking his poor paw and purred a little. "In a way I'm not displeased about it, even though I don't know the actual allergen that causing the rhinitis," he said, "because I will be able to display my war wounds, as it were, whenever I'm called upon to prove that I'm a brave and heroic feline. I know that when the shaving first took place I was frankly embarrassed about it but now I've taken a more realistic attitude and I'm willing to share my scars with my adoring public." He sat back, wearing a somewhat embarrassed smile.

Mr. B. looked at him." I don't know," he said, "It seems to me as if you're claiming you've been wounded almost to the point of death, when in fact it's only a bit of leggy hair that's gone." Fredcat glared and refused to take this slur lying down. "When was the last time you had to have a shaved leg when you'd been badly hurt? Never, I bet," he croaked.

He changed tack. "Do d*gs have the same problems?" he said, almost scornfully, "I know many d*gs can be a bit, shall we say, less bright than we moggies, so perhaps they fail to notice the loss of a bit of hair like we cats. We need all the hair we can keep, matey." And following this tirade Fredcat sat down and licked his less-than-hairy front nearside paw, as if to encourage the growth of his lustrous orange and white fur.

"Look here, Fredcat," said Mr. B., in an apparently contrite manner, "I see that tomorrow, June 11th, is supposed to be National Hug Holiday, so why don't you set an example to all your feline friends and go hug a d*g. See just where that gets you. As for me, I'll go and give a huge hug to a large slab of chocolate cake which Cathie has given me. Yum ..."

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Thursday, June 9th 2005 (number 540)

Rolling cheeses cat! Large image

Mr. B. said his farewell to Fredcat as the former set off in his noisy car to do the weekly shopping. Fredcat settled down to wait for his return as he knew that shopping days usually meant something nice for him. As usual, while waiting, he fell asleep. On waking he looked for the Grumpy One but the Fredcat residence was, surprisingly, still devoid of humans.

Fredcat frowned, he had a pretty good idea as to how long a shopping trip should take and he calculated that something unusual had happened. It was over an hour later that the garage door opened and in came Mr. B. looking pleased with himself. However instead of bringing in the expected bags of groceries, he carried in a tray full of ripe, red strawberries. "Look at these!" said Mr. B., immediately sampling a couple, "I picked them myself, half for us and half for Ianeyes; he is going to make a strawberry torte for his family. He is an excellent chef, you know!"

"The beef! Where's the beef?!" demanded Fredcat. "Hold on, matey, I've got to get the shopping out of the car first," said Mr. B. with a hint of testiness. Soon the day's shopping was scattered over the kitchen table. "Do you like cheese?" asked Mr. B., "They have some excellent Brie in the supermarkets right now." "Not much," growled Fredcat, even more testily, "I'm at one with those folks who roll cheeses downhill, downhill is the best place for cheese. Some cheeses have a dreadful smell. Ugh!" and Fredcat wrinkled his nose (which, Constant Reader, was clearly well on the mend). "But Gorgonzola has a wonderful taste," enthused Mr. B., "You shouldn't go by the look of it." But Fredcat remained unconvinced.

Look, I've also got some nice Krispy Kreme donuts," said Mr. B., "I know they can be a mite fattening if one eats too many but I'll probably stop after two or three." "More like five or ten," scoffed Fredcat, scathingly, "you have no self control with sweet things.

"Ah! Here it is, a packet of best beef - with gravy," said Mr. B. "If you can just wait a minute while I get your best bowl. Do you know that your best human friend, Cathie, loves gravy?" he added. "Huh! Don't I know it," retorted Fredcat, "I think she puts gravy on everything, probably even on her morning bowl of cornflakes! After she's deep-fried them, of course!" "Actually, that's not true," replied Mr. B., quickly, shivering at this picture. "Perhaps you'd better get eating this before it gets warm." And so, finally, the best beef was Fredcat's.

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Wednesday, June 8th 2005 (number 539)

Summertime thunderstorm cat! Large image

All day long Fredcat had enjoyed sleeping, taking full advantage of the wonderfully warm weather. The screened porch was ideal. In the background he could vaguely hear the industrious Mr. B. moving to and fro, sorting out cupboards. Fredcat didn't care. In his reveries, he was chasing small creatures about the Fredcat residence - and catching them! - only to let them go again. Life was great.

When he awoke the TV was playing. Suddenly, across the bottom of the screen, a ticker message scrolled, accompanied by a loud alarm. One couldn't avoid hearing or seeing these messages. They warned various North Carolina county residents that a storm watch was in operation until exactly 4.15 pm.

"How do they forecast that time so precisely?" enquired Fredcat. But before Mr. B. could even begin to explain the magic of weather forecasting, lightning flashed several times in the space of a few short seconds immediately followed by the crackle of heavy thunder. Famous feline and human looked at each other. That was close, very close. "In the past, that would have been the signal for homeowners to rush outside and bring in the washing from the line," remarked Mr. B. suavely, "but nowadays, with the benefit of tumble-dryers, that's mostly a thing of the past, thank goodness."

Then the rain came bucketing down, and suddenly Fredcat realised that he was trapped inside his own residence. "Well, not entirely 'trapped'," he thought, "there was plenty of space inside he could roam, and his litter tray was conveniently parked inside the garage in case of emergencies. But it was the principle of the thing he was annoyed about. "I want and need all doors to be open at all times," he complained. "No closed doors, please." "Hmmm, you'd never be happy working in a closed shop, then," beamed Mr. B., but this allusion was lost on Fredcat.

Later, with the rain still gushing down, Mr. B. felt a grain of pity for Fredcat and opened the front door to allow the Mighty One to observe the rain from the comfort of the open doorway (cats like to do that). As Fredcat watched, a van pulled up outside his residence and a USPS driver leapt out and hurried to the front door, parcel in one hand, pen in the other. "Delivery from overseas," he cried. Mr. B. signed for the parcel and the driver departed as quickly as he had arrived.

"Anything for me?" asked Fredcat. "Sorry, not this time," said Mr. B., "This is a surprise parcel for your best human friend, Cathie - it contains some lemon tea she particularly likes. It's come all the way from England!" Fredcat's heart sank but he brightened up when Mr. B. showed him the encouraging new messages on his Guestbook. He felt a lot better after that especially as the rain had eased. At last he was able to venture forth.

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Tuesday, June 7th 2005 (number 538)

Frequent flier cat? Large image

Summer had arrived, with a bang. The local weather forecasters were unanimous in reporting temperatures in the 90s or very high 80s. This was hot even by Fredcat's standards of desirable warmth. Along with the warmth there came a threat of thunderstorms, but it as the day wore on it became clear that no such watery stuff would fall on the Fredcat residence.

Fredcat sighed and laboriously carried out a complicated mathematical calculation. He needed to be near three things: (a) his food and water, (b) his best bed, and (c) his cat door in case his best human friend, Cathie, came upon him when he was not looking to administer the repulsive medicinal goo combo.

The trouble with this calculation was that it placed him dangerously right bang in the centre of the floor between the kitchen and the living room where Mr. B. was most active during his weekly cleaning routine. "Can't you do your housework somewhere else or on another day when it's cooler?" complained Fredcat. "It's such a beautiful day I'm sure you could find something better to do outside.

"I'd love to do something else," agreed Mr. B. "but, sorry, no. You realise you're right in my flight path where you're perched, can't you find somewhere better out of the way?" And in keeping with the flying metaphor, he continued, "Why don't you go outside and watch the airplanes creeping across the blue Carolina sky to RDU airport. They are full of passengers coming here for a bit of a holiday although I think that most of them are going onwards to Florida where Disneyworld and the Kennedy Space Center are major attractions.

"No, thank you," replied Fredcat, "I'm no more a fan of aircraft than of cars: yours especially. I really don't care that Virgin Atlantic are now giving frequent flier miles to pets that do a lot of international travel. I'd rather stay here where there's peace and quiet, thanks." But he sauntered out all the same - but not before ensuing that Mr. B. had remembered to provide a fresh bowl of water within easy reach. Well-looked after cat!

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Monday, June 6th 2005 (number 537)

Glorious cat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was having her daily game with the Mighty One. Basically it consisted of her chasing him around the furniture until he conceded. Then the game turned pleasant as he received a nice cuddle. Then came trickery, as he was dosed with the latest combination of medicinal goo (which Fredcat clearly hated), had his face wiped (because the goo was quite messy), followed, unsurprisingly, by more cuddles.

After a decent interval Fredcat was gently lowered to the floor. "This is an unfair physical match," he complained, "but I put up with it for the sake of staying in this comfortable residence." Cathie, on the other hand, was becoming more and more happy with the progress Fredcat was making. The goo combo was clearly working. Fredcat was not fully out of the woods yet but it was noticeable that both the frequency and strength of his sneezing were abating.

Mr. B. had also noticed this improvement. "Fredcat is eating me out of house and home," he remarked, accompanied by a little smile. A contented Fredcat usually implied that all's well with the world. Cathie, though, was quick to remind everyone that this latest goo combo was to be maintained on a daily basis for a good many days yet.

"Aren't you glad that you weren't born on the distaff side, Fredcat," remarked Mr. B. "I'm sure if you were a female feline you would have been treated quite differently. None of this pampering as if you were a male baby, more like tending the livestock, knitting and sewing - none of your famous heroic stuff!"

Cathie jumped to the defence of her gender with a torrent of examples of strong-minded females, but Mr. B. had heard this argument before and knew most of it by heart. He found a tiny space in the Cathie tirade to ask whether it was possible to even tell boy cats from girl cats from photographs alone and a test was set up between the two of them, with Fredcat as the referee.

Nobody won because an argument soon broke out about the detailed rules of the game and both combatants left the room convinced they were the victor. Fredcat reckoned that his Readers might like to try the cat gender test for themselves; anyone scoring maximum marks would be very, very talented inndeed. No prizes - and no cheating, mind!

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Saturday, June 4th 2005 (number 536)

(Exceedingly tired) Egotistical Cat Large image

Fredcat was re-examining his recent emails and one from Mistole in particular caught his eye. "Hey, Mr. B., this is a very useful page to tell one what kind of person one is," he said to the Grumpy One. "I've been checking this out and I'm so pleased with the results. It highlights exactly my many fine qualities and I'm especially glad to say that I'm not all egotistic."

Lacking a reaction, Fredcat looked at Mr. B. and said with a supercilious air, "See - I'm not at all egotistic! So there!" Mr. B. was astounded and grabbed the Fredcat PC controls and checked out the webpage that Our Hero seemed to find so appealing. "Date of Birth," he muttered, "October 4th, 1988. Yes, that's correct. Born on a Tuesday, OK. Does that mean you're full of grace? Hmmm, that doesn't seem to tie in with your current bout of coughing and sneezing," he snickered, but Fredcat ignored him. Then Mr. B. clicked onto the date of birth database and glared. He rechecked the data input and shook his head. There it was in black and white. He sat glowering while Fredcat, peering over his shoulder, read the synopsis for the Famous Date Of Birth

"Fredcat is full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive." read out our Maestro in a loud voice. He had even stopped sniffing and sneezing!.

But then Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, came in and she looked at the results. "Hang on, Fredcat, it seems that these people have got your age wrong! Sheesh, why can't people do simple sums anymore? The date of birth information should say that you are only five years of age, not fifteen! Can't these people do simple subtraction properly? I do this kind of stuff all the time at work and I never make mistakes like that! And besides - everyone knows that you are only five years old!"

But there was no getting away from the result so both Mr. B. and Cathie tried the programme out on themselves (but, surprise, surprise, neither would divulge their own results to the other, or to Fredcat). In the end the PC was closed down in disgust by Mr. B. leaving Fredcat to wander off with a smiling face, beaming from ear to ear.

The Mighty One eventually settled down in one of his favourite sleeping places and slowly drifted off to sleep. He thought of all the kind people who had emailed him with suggestions about cures for his illness. It was so kind and generous of them to think of him. His sleepy feline mind wandered, "No ego ....", Yes!! Absolutely right, yes!! But the room was warm and sleep eventually overtook this tired (and famous) feline. Zzzz...

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Friday, June 3rd 2005 (number 535)

Huriacane season again Large image

The TV weather man's smile beamed cheerily into Fredcat's living room and said, "Remember it's the start of the hurricane season so start making your preparations now!" Fredcat smiled back smugly at the TV screen saying, "I'm not bothered, I've lived here for five years now and no hurricanes would dare to approach my residence."

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, looked at him disapprovingly, "I don't like the way you put it, mate, but I hope you're right. You do realise that if a hurricane swept over the Fredcat residence they'd be precious little left of your favourite sleeping places. I think the TV weatherman was trying to tell us that we ought to stock up with some essential items, just in case, you understand."

Fredcat smiled, more gravely, "You mean get loads of decent meat, like best beef and stuff, to store in the freezer." But this thought was quickly dashed by Cathie, "Lookie here," she said, "if a hurricane comes through, there won't be any freezer left, and if by chance it's still standing, I'm certain there won't be any power available and all that lovely meat will quickly deteriorate."

"To be honest, I was a tad worried about it," said Cathie, "and I was tempted to take advantage of yesterday being National Leave the Office Earlier Day. To be honest, however, I'm more concerned about your health than hurricanes, Fredcat. I called the v*t today and he's prescribed a combination medicine for the Fredcat insides. You're to continue with your prednisone steroid, and add an antibiotic twice daily, which I will administer. We're both convinced that you'll benefit hugely from this treatment." She crossed her fingers tightly.

"NO!!! No more goo! I'd rather have a hurricane!" muttered Fredcat, and sloped off to hide under the bed. He needed to get into practice for when the real dosing began tomorrow. Poor thing.

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Thursday, June 2nd 2005 (number 534)

Acupuncture cat? Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had gone to work. This was the signal for Fredcat to slope off onto the screened porch and sleep. When he awoke he sneezed. Then he sneezed again, and again, and again. His sneezing continued as his back arched. Even Mr. B. (who likes to count things), lost track of how many times it had happened. It was at times like these that most humans despair, so Mr. B. despaired.

He telephoned Cathie in some alarm. "What can I do?" cried Mr. B., "Even though I admit to having had a few ups and downs with this moggie of yours, I cannot stand idly by and watch this happen. I thought that all this testing and analysis stuff was supposed to alleviate these conditions but Fredcat seems as bad as ever, perhaps even worse!"

Cathie worked to quickly soothe Mr. B.'s angst, saying, "Lookie here, the VSH certainly helped a great deal with the Mighty One's breathing and they did clear out a lot of stuff from his sinuses. Remember also that they ruled out Fredcat's having many, many potential illnesses - and, indeed, reckoned that he was as fit as you or I!" Even while Mr. B. thought this one over, the sneezings subsided. Fredcat ate a small mid-day meal and went back to sleep.

When Cathie came home she discussed the situation with Fredcat. "Would you like to try out some alternative medicine, my friend?" she suggested, hopefully. Something like acupuncture?" She briefly explained the process to the Mighty One.

As soon as he realised what it was all about, there was a further explosion from Fredcat, only this time it was oral not nasal. "Absolutely not, no way, nix, non, niet, nein" he cried. "Nobody's sticking pins in this famous torso of mine without good cause! It's bad enough that right now I look like a golfer wearing old-fashioned plus fours - and on one leg only to boot!" He grinned at his little quip. "I'm far too embarrassed to show my leg on my intawebs and I only hope that my furry covering quickly grows back. If I had to toddle around with a load of needles sticking out of me as well, I would look like a poorly attired porcupine on a golf course! No thanks."

"OK, I'll call your friendly local v*t tomorrow to see if there's an antihistamine something or other available," said Cathie, "though as we don't actually know what your'e allergic to, I'm not sure where we go from here. Meanwhile, go and sort out the problem with the slow running Fredcat diary intaweb. Your famous page is taking ages to come up, and it can't be good to have visitors waiting forever to read your famous musings. You'll have to send an apology to all those folks, Fredcat, even though there's little that you can do about it. Let's just hope that things get a lot better soon!"

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Wednesday, June 1st 2005 (number 533)

Hundred-Thousand-Plus cat! Large image

Fredcat had been feeling poorly. His best human friend, Cathie, had zoomed off to work and he had been left at the mercy of the Grumpy One. But to his surprise the latter was cheerfully going about his own work at home. "You know, after all that fuss and bother with the VSH over the last few days and weeks, I'm slowly getting used to having a cold in the head," the Famous One pronounced, "At least, that's what I think of it as."

Mr. B. stopped clearing away some rubbish and said, "I'm sure Cathie and the v*ts will eventually find out the underlying cause of your malady, Fredcat. Meanwhile I think it's a good idea of yours to make the best of it. I'm in a good mood because I've just completed uploading a number of your Guestbook entries and that must make you pretty happy." And Mr. B. carried on whistling as he worked.

Fredcat looked around and was bored. After all the interesting things that had happened over the last few days, Our Hero was feeling listless. "Hmmm. An excellent idea when one is bored is to reprise something one has done in the past. Then something new might come of it. I know, I'll have a look at my visitor statistics and see how they are getting on," he thought. He strolled over to the computer, played with the mouse and was immediately startled (and very pleased!) to find that the total number of viewers (according to the folks at Extreme Tracking was now over 100,000!

"Wow! That's an amazing number of visitors!" Fredcat cried, and he rushed to tell the good news to Cathie when she returned from work. "Why didn't you tell me this before?" he demanded. "I thought Mr. B. had told you," replied Cathie, "indeed that total was reached when you were very poorly earlier this month. We're both very pleased," she added, "and many of those selfsame visitors have written nice things both to and about you in your Guestbook."

For once Fredcat felt humbled. "All those human, feline (even canine) visitors!" he said again, "and all those scores of Guestbook entries - and all those great photographs (mostly mine of course!)" He thought for a moment and sneezed. "Mmmm...," said Cathie, "I'll wait a few more days and when you've come down from cloud nine, I'll be contacting the v*t about solving the allergy mystery, so don't get too big headed." Mr. B. smiled, it was good to see the Mighty One feeling happy after all he had been through over the past week. Although the Grumpy One wouldn't admit it to anyone, it actually made his day ....

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