July 31st 2004

Electioneering cat! Large image

The news headlines said that the candidates for the next President of the United States of America had started electioneering. They were going on the Campaign Trail, as one report put it. "But America is a vast country, with its mainland covering four time zones" said Fredcat, "how are they going to cover that huge area between now and November - and still carry with on their day jobs?"

"Well," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "the current incumbent, George Bush, has loads of staff to do his day job, so he's off the hook, and the challenger, John Kerry, has his staff as well, so he, too, is sorted."

"Don't they do anything else for the next few months except stomp around the place?" asked Fredcat, mystified. "It's STUMP, not STOMP," said Cathie. But the Famous One was not to be silenced. "It seems to me that all they need to do is to give everyone a home computer and all their election work could be done swiftly over the internet!"

"After all," he continued, "my diary is posted on the internet nearly every day, and I get to know loads of folks whom I could never possibly otherwise meet. I have had visitors from no less 74 countries, you know!!! They write me nice letters and e-mails and I find it easy to dictate replies for you humans to type up for me. You are my very own staff (if you like)," he added, cheekily.

"Ah! But what you don't realise, Fredcat, is the importance of personal contact," said Cathie. "Every time these candidates meet someone that will vote for him, they quietly ask for financial contributions to help with their campaign costs. In return they promise to do their best to help their benefactors if they get into high office."

"Hmmm. That all sounds a bit fishy to me," remarked Fredcat, "it seems to me that all they have to do is have their photograph taken with me and they would be home and dry, no? That John Edwards, the local North Carolina fellow, he looks nice (great hair!), but how much better would it be if he had had his picture taken with me, showing me giving him my endorsement?"

"What?? You are sounding a bit like a politician yourself!" said Cathie, "where do you get all this stuff from, my feline friend?"

"The internet of course - where else? There is all sorts of stuff there - look at this take on the candidates!" said Fredcat, and strolled off, smirking. Humans - they know nothing about anything!

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July 30th 2004

Permament Resident cat Large image

Fredcat looked at the calendar. Wow!! Was it already four years since that fateful day when he took that one way ticket to the United States and a life of (relative) luxury in North Carolina? "I am so glad I did," he told his best human friend, Cathie, "I wouldn't want to have stayed in England without you." He simpered - which was a sight to behold, given his recent dental extractions.

"What would you be doing if you were still in England?" asked Cathie. Fredcat thought hard and tried to remember what being in his country of birth was like. "I think that right now I would be sitting on the armchair of my favourite settee, and planning my evening activities of going for a stroll and then having a quick bedtime snack, before turning in for the night."

"Hmmm. Much like what you do here," said Mr. B., sarcastically. Cathie glared at him, and told him to make some tea. "What would you be doing, Cathie?" asked Fredcat, as soon as the grumpy one had gone. "Oh! that's easy," said Cathie, "I would be getting ready to go to bed so that I could be up early to go to my work in a National Health Service (NHS) hospital the next day."

"Much like what you do here," said Fredcat, amused. "And what would Mr. B. be doing in England around this time?" asked Cathie. "Oh, that's easy, as well," said Fredcat, "much like what he does here, he would be getting ready for another one of his lazy days - they start as soon as you have left for work!" He grinned hugely at his own joke, completely missing the dark shadow, standing menacingly over his shoulder.

When Fredcat had finished wiping the banana flavoured antibiotic from the corners of his mouth, he reflected that he ought to start using his peripheral vision more frequently. Still, only 26 doses to go now. And that Mr. B. was getting too smart for his own good!

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July 29th 2004

Insurance time Large image

Fredcat looked at Mr. B. who looked ill at ease. For the past few hours that unworthy had been struggling with a multitude of official-looking forms and pages of detailed car insurance quotations. "This is all a huge mess," moaned Mr. B. "Whoever invented insurance should be taken outside and run out of town."

"Why don't you stick with the insurance people you've always used?" said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "it will be a lot easier, and your blood pressure will have an opportunity to fall to normal levels, methinks," she added mischievously.

"Better get back on your bike, the two of you" said Fredcat, "I see that the American rider, Lance Armstrong, has won the Tour de France (or the Tour de Lance, as his followers have it) for a record sixth time. The Tour covered some pretty hazardous terrain so, if Lance can do it, it must be possible for you to ride a bike safely in North Carolina, no?"

"No thanks!" retorted the grumpy one, "and, getting back to cars, we are always being chided to shop around whenever it is insurance policy renewal time. But the crazy thing is that not everyone necessarily has something to gain by shopping around - it appears to me that all insurance companies (more or less) have to quote the for same set of risks which, theoretically, makes making comparisons easier."

"And does it?" said Fredcat. "Not in the slightest," growled Mr. B., "it's amazing how clever the insurance companies can be when they quote for the same risks - then they tweak them in such a way that it's almost impossible to compare quotes!"

"But don't car insurance companies always proclaim that you can save hundreds of dollars when you switch your insurance policy to them?" enquired Fredcat innocently. "Huh! It all sounds a bit like the proverbial (and ephemeral) free lunch," said Cathie, knowingly. "I regret to tell you, folks, there's no such thing!"

A free lunch, thought Fredcat and wandered off to his feeding area. A couple of meows later (the price he had to pay!) he received his reward. He was glad that Mr. B. dealt with all that insurance stuff and left the Famous One in peace.

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July 28th 2004

Rapping cat Large image

"I've noticed that you two never actually take me anywhere nice - whenever you put me in the car we inevitably end up at the v*t's office," remarked Fredcat, "why can't we go somewhere nice? Do something different?" "Do things?" said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "I thought all you wanted to do was to sleep all day with bites of food in between." "Well, I'm bored and I want to do something new!" cried Fredcat.

"Anything special?" requested Cathie. "Well, you've never taken me pony riding - how about doing that?" suggested Fredcat. "I like being on high, and being in control of an ambling horse would suit me very well." Cathie commented that friends of hers had told her that riding a horse is quite easy as long as you stayed on the top between the ears and the tail.

"Oh, very droll," said Fredcat, wryly, "far more interesting than that old chestnut - my good friend Jimmy de F has written me a little poem to go with my proposed new bling blong image," said Fredcat, with a pleased grin. Listen!

   P Fredcat man ain't no pussy,
   An' when he tries food he is so fussy,
   Wakes up Mr. B. in the early morns,
   Cryin' for his favourite dish of prawns,  
     
(An' that's a wrap!)

"My advice to you, Fredcat, old fruit, is stick to your day job," snorted Mr. B. "you still have another fourteen days of antibiotics to go before you finish the course, that's another twenty eight doses to go before you're through."

"Weeell ... so long as I can escape to my favourite hiding place under the screened porch (where it's so dark that even grass doesn't grow there) then I might be able to escape these dosings without the dreaded v*t ever knowing." "Sorry, matey," said Cathie, kindly but firmly, "twenty eight doses it is, and twenty eight doses you must receive - be warned."

Life can be so hard for a Famous Cat! But one bright spot on Fredcat's horizon is that he is able to inform his friends that the first batch of free www.fredcat.net bumper stickers have been dispatched to those friends of his who requested them - in three countries, no less! Watch out for the postman!

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July 27th 2004

Distempered cat Large image

"No! No! No! Not again!" howled Fredcat, as he legged it across the living room. Too late; the combined forces of the creepy Mr. B. and Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie were too swift for him. "It won't take long," pleaded Cathie, "this is not another tooth-pulling exercise, it is time for your annual distemper and feline leukemia virus shots. It only takes a few seconds, Fredcat."

The nice v*t at Gentle Care Animal Hospital, Dr. H, was charming, as usual, but Fredcat was very wary. "No more tooth problems?" enquired Dr. H. "As it happens, I feel fine," growled Fredcat, "and - careful with those syringes, if you please." "Actually," replied the v*t, "all things considered, you look great!"

"I know that you have only come here for your annual shots," he added, "but I can see that your mouth is healing very well, you will only have to stay on the antibiotics for another two weeks and by then you should be raring to go. I see that your weight is as it was two weeks ago - which is good."

Mr. B. was amazed at this. "You should see what that cat has been doing to his food bowls," he remarked drily. "He is scoffing enough for two. Any chance of a discount voucher for use at the shop of the local animal food purveyor?"

"Try some yoghurt," the v* advised, "it includes live cultures, which, theoretically, can be used to combat the effects of the antibiotics. One should be careful, you know, antibiotics can kill the good bugs in a Famous Feline's gastric system - as well as the bad ones." "I am sure that Fredcat will use that as an excuse any time he feels a bit like some extra nosh," complained Mr. B.

"Anyway, I will remove this moggie from the v*t's counter whilst you settle the bill," Mr. B. said, disarmingly, and scuttled out of the room, cat clutched firmly to his chest. "No chance of going Dutch on this date, then," said Cathie, sarcastically, but Mr. B., together with Fredcat, was history. Hmmm ...

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July 26th 2004

PFreddy, one cool dude Large image

Fredcat examined his teeth. Not the teeth still attached to the Fredcat jaws, but the teeth that had been extracted, courtesy of the v*t. They looked rather sad lying in their little plastic bottle. "One shouldn't just leave them lying around," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "there are lots of ways to deal with them you know."

"Such as?" prompted Fredcat, "they are useless for eating, I can tell you, they don't give me the slightest help. I have tried sticking them back in my mouth but they keep falling out." "I'm afraid that you can't do that!" replied Cathie, "there might be a way of getting you false teeth, but I've never heard of it."

"And, ahem!" butted in Mr. B., "you've seen a few summers go by and the chances of getting a v*t to fix you up with false teeth is pretty unlikely, considering your advanced ag.." "That's enough," interjected Cathie, "he's only five years old," and she gave the Sweet One a bit of a cuddle.

"Why don't you try putting your teeth under the Fredcat pillow at night and see if the Tooth Fairy will swap them for some ready cash," suggested Mr. B., leaping in to the conversation, uninvited, once more. "That only works for young children when they are losing their baby teeth," hissed Cathie, "these are mature Fredcat teeth and there is no financial reward for leaving those under the pillow at night."

"I know what I'll do," said Fredcat, "I'll make them into a necklace, and get me some bling blong street cred!" "I think you mean bling bling," corrected Cathie, "but it's a good idea. You ought to have a new name to go with your new image. How about P Freddy?"

"Sounds really cool," admitted Fredcat, "in fact, now that I have learned to eat properly with just my remaining teeth, I'm looking forward to have the famous four extracted teeth set in a chain around my neck. Everyone will recognise me that way!" and he went hip-hopping off to the food bowl to demonstrate his new eating techniques. Contented cat!

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July 24th 2004

Maintaining internet connectivity Large image

Last night there was a huge storm and, as expected, the lights went out for a short time in the Fredcat residence. Power was soon restored, however, so Fredcat was able to continue with dictation of his diary once more. He was, however, extremely tired from the exertions of a very warm day and found himself unable to finish the job, so he decided to wait until the morning. But .....

"Help!" cried Cathie, as she started up her mighty PC the next day. "The internet connection seems to have broken down once more." "Well, there was another storm here after you had turned in for the night, so I expect some power lines have been broken somewhere," lamented Fredcat, "just when I wanted to upload my latest diary entry!"

A quick call telephone to the support people confirmed that there was nothing wrong at the cable company's end but, just as Cathie was giving up all hope, the connection with the internet was restored. The relief! "Sometimes I have no idea how this all works," exclaimed Cathie, exasperatedly, "but here you are, Fredcat, all is now well, and your readers have your latest musings to peruse once more."

"What did people do in the olden days - before there was the internet, computers, and daily diary entries from yours truly? What did they read? Did people simply stare at a blank wall? I have seen Mr. B. do that whenever the computer or the TV goes wrong - he gazes at the wall as if there really is something interesting going on. Actually," Fredcat said, snidely, "I don't think there is anything interesting going on in his head most of the time!"

"Actually, my dear Precious One, in the pre-computer days people made up their own entertainment. They went for walks, chatted to one another, wrote letters, cooked, sewed, danced, played games, drew pictures and did all sorts of craft work," explained Cathie.

"The only crafty thing that Mr. B. does is creep up on me and dose me with more meds when I'm not looking," Fredcat commented, and he preened himself, not noticing the dark shadow looming over him as the grumpy one appeared, meds in hand. Poor Fredcat!

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July 23rd 2004

Searching for the bumper stickers Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, needed to take her car to the garage for yet another problem to be resolved. This was the fifth time in four years! "I need to have this fixed, just in case," she explained, to Fredcat, "if the car doesn't work properly then I am stuck in the house all day."

That didn't sound three bad, thought Fredcat. If Cathie stayed at home all day then she would shield him from the grumpy Mr. B. Cathie, however, interrupted his thoughts by adding, "Of course that would mean our income would drop, and some fabulous feline would have fewer prawn-like treats." This didn't sound so good, thought Fredcat, worriedly.

"Why doesn't Mr. B. go out to work instead of you?" he queried, "He doesn't seem to add much to our family income, he appears to be a bit of a pain when he is here and I would much rather have you around than him any day."

"That sounds like a good idea," sighed Cathie, "but every time I even so much as hint that he and I might swap work and housework duties he starts to complain of a 'bad back'. Considering that I presently have to struggle into work using my walking stick then I am a bit peeved about that."

"He does seem to spend a lot of time in the garden - weeding, mowing and doing general gardening stuff, which I know you abhor," considered Fredcat and I suppose he does do some good work, cleaning around the house - which you don't want to do - so his back can't be too bad."

"Forget it, Fredcat,' said Cathie, 'it's just not going to happen. I do actually need Mr. B. around to process all your in coming mail and requests from your friends around the world for your wondrous bumper stickers - I have already had requests from Marti, Susan L and Marg! You should be pleased that your fame will spread when your stickers are seen around the world. I think these car owners deserve some acknowledgement for displaying your website in such a manner, so - Well Done to them! I wonder if other readers will ask for a bumper sticker? We'll soon know.

"Now, it's time for everyone to have their tea," said Cathie. "Good idea," agreed Fredcat, heading towards his feeding area at a speed which almost caused a Doppler shift!

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July 22nd 2004

Internal Revenue, what's that? Large image

It was three o'clock in the morning. Fredcat was on the prowl when a ghostly figure suddenly appeared. Fredcat's little heart raced as he froze - who could be up and about at that hour? Fredcat could hardly see his own front paws yet the intruder was stomping around with a certainty of tread that made the Fredcat fur rise uncontrollably.

The footsteps continued right up to Fredcat - and suddenly there was a loud yell and a very large meow as the two entities met.

"What are you doing here," cried Mr. B., "you are supposed to be getting some rest and recuperation." "I was hungry!" replied Fredcat indignantly, "every time I see you, I get a dose of something rotten, so the only time I can be sure of a quiet bite to eat is when you are fast asleep. Anyway, you look as white as a ghost, what's the matter with you?"

This discourse might have continued a little longer except that Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, woke up and demanded, "Get back to bed, both of you! I've got to get up early to go to work, and this rumpus is, well, all too much."

"I can't sleep," replied Mr. B., who was not his usual grumpy self. In fact he looked rather sickly. "It's all the fault of the Inland Revenue Service (the dreaded IRS)," he said, "they have written to me asking for information that I haven't got and goodness knows what will happen, we'll all be ruined, ruined." "I'm sure it's not that bad," pooh-poohed Cathie, "go and talk to your friendly CPA, he'll know what to do, and don't worry!"

Fredcat thought that this was so funny that he ended up curled in a ball, laughing his head off. The grouchy Mr. B., the fearless Mr. B., the redoubtable Mr. B., being turned into a shivering jelly by a letter from the IRS. In fact he was still laughing when Cathie rounded on him at breakfast time so that Mr. B. was able to pop in another syringe full of antibiotics before Fredcat had realised it. There was a moral here somewhere but Fredcat was too cross to appreciate it, methinks.

Fredcat's bumper stickers Large image

"Anyway," said Cathie, "what do you think of my new car bumper sticker? I think it looks great on my car! It's 10" long x 3" wide. Shall I get some for your friends?"

"Oh, yes, please," replied Fredcat, "that would be nice. Tell them that if anyone wants one all they have to do is e-mail me and I will post them one!"

"That's a plan!" said Cathie. How kind she is. So, Friends of Fredcat, come on, if you would like to show your support for the Famous Fredcat, e-mail him here and let him know you would that like one of his bumper stickers!

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July 21st 2004

Camping out under the bed Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, tried very hard to persuade Fredcat to come out from under the bed and play, but Fredcat wasn't having any of it. "Nope, I know when I am well off," he cried in alarm, "if I pop out, even for a second, that ghastly Mr. B. will grab me and dose me with more of that horrible medicine." "He's right of course," muttered Cathie, "what shall we do?"

"It needs two humans to deal with a struggling moggie who is determined to avoid meds," she said to Mr. B. "Even if he were fully aware that they did him good, he would be utterly perverse and shoot off somewhere where we couldn't either find him, or couldn't get to him even if we found him. How vexing!"

"We shall have to consider other strategies," said Mr. B., pompously. "Can we not promise him some really attractive goodies or some special food if he co-operates?" "We can only try," agreed Cathie, but when they approached the cunning cat with a list of promises, he shot off at speed, and the humans never even got within shouting distance of him.

"It's all down to special food then," sighed Cathie. "OK, here's some of the very best tuna, nicely mashed and presented. Let's put this down for Fredcat, pretend to stay well away until he appears then, having closed all exits, we will soon have him safely dosed." This seemed to be a cunning plan ....

But they reckoned without the careful cunning of a cautious cat. As the humans waited, so did Fredcat. The food was tempting but Fredcat had had hours and hours of practice watching and waiting for mice and other less patient creatures to make a mistake, and these fickle humans didn't even come close to matching Fredcat's patience. Time passed, turned around, returned - but still no sign of the Famous One! "How about a cup of soothing hot chocolate whilst we wait," suggested Cathie, "thick and creamy - just like they make at my work." Soon the humans were sitting down, supping, whilst Mr. B. carelessly turned on the TV.

With the soothing hot drink and the soporific TV, it wasn't long before the hunters were fast asleep in their chairs, happily dreaming of Fredcat's tall stories. When they awoke, unsurprisingly, there was no sign of tuna or of Fredcat. "We will have to think again," Cathie sighed. The hidden Fredcat smiled - but should he be so pleased with himself? We will find out in due course, Gentle Reader, for our friend has been scheduled to pay a repeat visit to the v*t's office on Monday. Maybe the v*t will be less than happy about Fredcat avoiding his meds .....

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July 20th 2004

Watching out for the medical team Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, went to work but Fredcat himself stayed under the bed. In fact he didn't emerge until well into the morning and, even then, he managed to creep into the kitchen without making a sound, so as not to alert the grumpy Mr. B. He partook of the fresh meat, took a sip of water, and promptly vanished again.

On her return from work, Cathie told Fredcat that she had spoken again to the v*t who had told Cathie that Fredcat was probably to continue his antibiotic medication for a full month. "That seems a very long time for antibiotics," complained Frdcat, "humans don't usually have to do this for more than a week or ten days, so why should I have to do this for a whole month?"

"Listen, my Lovely One," replied Cathie, "remember this is for your own good, you have only been on your meds for five days so far, and you have had an awful shock to your system. Don't forget, too, the pain and misery of many months of toothache and so forth. Surely you can survive for a few more weeks with these meds?"

She continued, "I must admit though that if you insist on hiding yourself so craftily each morning, then we will be forced to dose you both tea time and just before you go to bed - which will not be ideal." But Fredcat persisted, "Why can't I have these meds just once a day instead, I hate being swaddled in the "throw" each time you have to give me my medicine. I won't scratch you, really!"

But as ever when he argued with Cathie, Fredcat lost the battle so that, one way or another, he was dosed as prescribed. Luckily the day was not excessively hot, and the rain had stayed away, so he was able to sit on the top step outside the Fredcat residence and view the world outside unmolested whilst Mr. B. busied himself inside.

Fredcat licked his lips and had just one final question to ask Cathie. "OK, Cathie, why is it that I am not actually given any option of receiving dental care - when you make such an extraordinary fuss of being treated yourself?" he remarked sagely. "In fact, when was the last time you went to see a dentist?" he demanded.

"Fredcat, it's late and it's time for bed," announced Cathie, hurriedly, "we will talk about this another day." Lucky Cathie to get away with that so easily!

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July 19th 2004

Concealed Cat Large image

Wow! What a tough few days for our Famous Fredcat. Every time he emerged from his (various) sleeping places, it seemed to him that he were pounced upon by the fiendish Mr. B., and dosed with more and more medications. It never seemed to stop. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, did her best to comfort him but it was a tough battle.

Starting on Saturday morning, Fredcat unilaterally decided that even though there was food and water available in his feeding area, he would remain where he was, firmly ensconced under the big bed. Nothing would tempt him to move. Pleadings, the rattle of biscuits, cries of "Foo-oood", all were ignored.

This was a repeat of the tactic employed on Thursday and Friday but his efforts this time were far more resolute. "The problem is," said a worried Cathie, "we need to give him his pain-relieving medication, followed by the antibiotics so that he begins to feel better, which then lead him to become better, and better able to feel good, and be more comfortable with himself."

Mr. B. didn't really understand that feminine logic at all! All he knew was that Fredcat had to get his medicine down him one way or another - and the sooner the better. Fredcat was nonetheless left alone, based on the simple premise that no one could get at him! When Cathie went to check on him later, he had left the under-bed area and nobody could find him. Fredcat had clearly availed himself of a brand new hiding place, and was clearly very adept at keeping that information to himself. Cathie fretted and fumed, and Mr. B. was sent on a scouting mission (for hours it seemed to him!) but he reported failure on his return.

At teatime Fredcat suddenly emerged from his secret hiding place but leapt under the dinette table as soon as he spotted Mr. B. But this time, the humans, having been thwarted earlier, and having now sighted the clever cat, were not to be denied, and dosing was recommenced without further ado (in a very sensitive manner, of course). Fredcat was first wrapped in a "throw" by Cathie, and Mr. B., using a technique taught him by Dr. H, slickly administered the medications. Fredcat was then released and directed to his food bowl. Perversely, however, he shot off and ignored his food and drink once more. This led to some more wailing and gnashing of teeth, Cathie's this time.

Sunday brought an improvement, as Fredcat decided to sleep outside in the front shrubbery which (fortunately for the humans) left him vulnerable to capture and being given more medication. This was clearly unfair, thought Fredcat. "Hey you guys," he exploded at last, "don't you realise that I have lost four teeth - including a very important incisor - yet all you want to do is muck me around and dose me with medicine. Can't you just leave me alone?"

"Sorry, Fredcat," explained Cathie, "but I know best and it is all for your own good, trust me." As a male cat, Fredcat knew very well that whenever any human female says 'Trust Me', then good things will come of it - even though the short term price is something he is usually unwilling to pay. When will this all end? he thought, miserably.

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July 17th 2004

Recuperating cat Large image

Thursday passed by in a haze. Fredcat hardly moved all day: he didn't pester Mr. B. for breakfast; he didn't fuss his best human friend, Cathie, to get up and go to work; he just snuggled deeper into the rumpled bedclothes and slept. Cathie was not surprised to see his little paws twitching. Fredcat appeared to be having repeated nightmares about teeth, cat carriers, car rides - and v*t's offices.

Unfortunately, the Magnificent Moggie's ordeal was not over. Another kindly Gentle Care Animal Hospital v*t, Dr. B., had discussed Fredcat's further treatment with Cathie and told her that Fredcat needed to take two lots of medicine, twice daily. Fredcat wondered when this whole affair would end - or if it would ever end! As he hated to take pills (he had developed a great trick of pretending to take them before spitting them out casually on the floor twenty seconds later when the humans weren't looking) it had been decided to shoot pipette-fulls of liquid medicines directly into the Fredcat mouth instead. Very inelegant - but very effective!

This elicited a different Fredcat strategy - he simply hid under the bed where he couldn't be reached. Faced with a tempting bowl of food at one end of the under the bed space, Fredcat simply crawled a few inches to the other, way out of reach. This, unsurprisingly, was a game which Cathie tired of much more quickly than our Little Star.

Friday morning dawned with the same result. "He must eat," exclaimed Cathie, in desperation. "Let's try some mashed tuna, it's currently his favourite food." She soon realised that that didn't work either. Life was very hard!

"Look, Fredcat," piped up the grumpy Mr. B., "I have four of your teeth here in this little bottle. See how they rattle! Isn't that fun! You could make a necklace using them if you wanted to - we could etch your name on them as an aid to identification, how about that!"

Both Cathie and Fredcat looked at Mr. B. as if he had gone round the bend. "Sometimes you say the silliest things," said Cathie disapprovingly, "why don't you just make me a nice cup of tea whilst I do my best to comfort the Little One."

Eventually Fredcat emerged from his hiding place, sipped a few drops of water, nibbled some tuna and rested until he was pounced upon by Mr. B., who told him that more medication was now due. "That was a dirty trick," thought Fredcat, darkly, "and one you will surely regret when I am fully restored to health." But when the medicines had been given Cathie cuddled Fredcat for a long time and his wrath subsided in the warmth of her arms.

"Things can only get better," thought Fredcat, "but in the meantime I am going to pop out to see if my garden is still there." His visit to the outside world lasted only ten minutes, but everything outside appeared to be where it was supposed to be, so that was good. He just hoped that his medication schedule would soon come to an end so he could get back to being a hero and a famous cat once more. Life was indeed hard!

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July 15th 2004

Dentally-challenged cat Large image

Despite being Bastille Day, yesterday was not a day that Fredcat wants to remember. For the second day in a row he had risen nice and early, only to see that his feeding bowls were not only empty but were not even in sight. "I hope this doesn't mean what I think it means," he muttered, in a worried undertone, "Mr. B. is up and about, but there is no hint of grub on the horizon - and the cat carrier is worryingly close by. Oh, dear."

"Unfortunately, the tests carried out on Tuesday did not provide us with a solution to all your problems," explained Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. "So we have to delve further into the Fredcat bod until we do find the cause of your snuffling and sneezing. I'm very sorry about that, Sweetie."

"That's all very well," cried Fredcat, plaintively, "but no food, no nothing?" "Please watch your grammar," chided Cathie, "all of this is for the best. Now remember, you will be taken to Gentle Care Animal Hospital very early by Mr. B. so you had better be sensible about it and not complain too vociferously or he might get a bit awkward and tip your internationally-approved cat carrier around a bit."

"If he does that I might take leave of my senses and deposit something unmentionable in the cat carrier on the way there," said Fredcat darkly. In the event, Fredcat was very well behaved (in his opinion) and he soon found himself at the v*t's office being sedated. Meanwhile, Cathie sat in her office at work, biting her lip rather nervously, as she was scared that Fredcat might not come around after the sedation.

When her telephone rang it was the v*t. "Sorry to have to tell you, Cathie, but a couple of Fredcat teeth are beyond repair and will have to be extracted. They have started to rot below the gum line (meaning we could not see this problem until we took the X-ray) and they have to be removed as soon as possible to enable healing of the dreadful sinus infections which have been causing your Famous Feline to be unwell. So, if you agree, we will keep the mighty moggie sedated and extract those teeth right away."

Cathie could hardly keep her eyes on her work until the telephone rang once more a little later. "Fredcat is fine," said the kindly Dr. H., "he is now awake." Cathie breathed a sigh of content. "But," he continued, "we had, in the end, to take out four of the Fredcat teeth, including one of his canines. In the end he was under sedation for two and a half hours and we were all kept very busy here in the surgery, I can tell you."

"Wow!" thought Cathie, "this is not so good. Poor precious Fredcat! But at least he will, at last, begin to get better. I don't think that his senses might be too muddled to be able to dictate any more of his diary today. Perhaps tomorrow ... then I will be able to see what he thinks of all this."

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July 14th 2004

Bastille Day cat Large image

Fredcat was clearly in a paddy and he would not be mollified. "Do you realise just how long I had to go without food today," complained Fredcat to Mr. B. "Fourteen hours, fourteen hours! What is it about Bastille Day that everything has to be fourteen something or other long. I don't live in France, you know, and I definitely don't want my head chopped off, thank you very much!"

"It really couldn't be helped," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "some medical procedures require that one has an empty stomach before testing just in case something dreadful happens and the doctors have to take emergency action. Just because you are a famous cat, it doesn't mean that things can never go wrong once you enter the doors of a v*t's office."

"It is because I am famous that nobody, at least no human, would ever dare to take any risk with me," Fredcat continued." It seemed that Fredcat really was in a paddy - and a half. "How would you like it if you had to go into hospital day after day to be poked, prodded and treated?" he wailed.

And of course that was where Fredcat made his mistake. Drawing herself up to her full height (which wasn't that tall as she was not wearing her high heeled boots!) Cathie sternly looked at the malevolent moggie and said waspishly, "Listen here my cutie cat, I have only recently returned from a rather lengthy stay in hospital myself, thank you very much, so mind your Ps and Qs."

At this Mr. B. put his (unwelcome) oar in and said softly, "I hope you have eaten well today because tomorrow you are booked in for a return trip to the v*t's office for more X-rays, and this time you will be sedated so you won't need to mew so much. Perhaps we can all get some peace for a while." As you can expect this didn't go down well either and Mr. B. was soon spotted fleeing from a handbag winging its way down the hallway. When will these males ever learn?

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July 13th 2004

Camcorder star - Roll VT! Large image

Despite Cathie's best attempts at soothing him, Fredcat's coughing and sneezing continued unabated. She quickly made an appointment at the v*t's office for a evening, after-work, appointment for our Little Star. Fredcat knew quite well what was going to happen and he did his best to keep the noise of his illness down to a dull roar but it was no use.

"I'm fine," he said stoically, "I really am!" Then of course, it all went wrong as a burst of sneezing shook his body from head to tail. Cathie was grim-faced and, together with the grumpy Mr. B., and making sure that Fredcat didn't scarper out of the open window of the car, they set off. Luckily Fredcat didn't have much strength to make a big fuss on the way to the v*t and the old record of complaining mews per mile was quite safe.

"At least we have a camcorder record of you doing your coughing and sneezing stuff," muttered a worried Cathie. Fredcat waited until the diagnostics had been completed before he let rip with a series of sneezes which left the kindly v*t hurriedly searching for a tissue or three. "I think we need to do some more tests," said he, with a frown, wiping down both the countertop and Fredcat, "and that means an early start for a chest X-ray and then some blood work to determine a possible probable cause of these re-occurring illnesses. You seem to have a repeat attack of something or other and we need to find out once and for all what the root cause of the problem is."

"You will have to come in at 7.45am tomorrow, my lad," he continued, "and we will get this done nice and early." "Early? 7.45am isn't early," scoffed Fredcat, "I always wake the grouchy Mr. B. by 5.30am so a 7.45am appointment will be no problem for any of us."

"That's good," said the kindly v*t, "but no food after midnight!" "What," exploded our Famous Feline, "no meat, no biscuits, no prawns, that is so unfair!" but his heart wasn't in the argument and he left the surgery knowing that there were at least two more visits lined up for him. He hated that journey in that awful car more than he disliked the visits to the v*t's office itself. Poor sicky cat.

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July 12th 2004

Sneezing cat (again ..) Large image

Fredcat had started to cough and splutter again. Whenever this happens, Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, shouts out the magic words "V*T, V*T, V*T" and immediately Fredcat desists. But only for a while it seems. In the middle of the night there was that sneezing noise once more and Cathie was concerned. Unfortunately, she was far too sleepy to remember to utter the magic words, so Fredcat's sneezing continued.

"What are we going to do with you," she said, next morning, looking at a dejected Fredcat. "You are still eating well but clearly you need to pay another visit to the v*t - despite my use of the magic words."

"This was so disheartening for Fredcat. "I hate going to the v*t's office," he complained, "there's all that poking and prodding going on, and they never see my at my worst."

"Well, we have a plan to help you with that," replied Cathie, "it is not easy to describe something which only ever appears to happen at home (you never actually put on a display of your symptoms for those lovely people at the v*t's office) so this time we have some camcorder pictures of you snuffling and sneezing. The v*t will be able to see all your symptoms - in full flow, as it were." Now that's an idea," said Fredcat, "I can be symptomatic at home, no problem!" and he proceded to give Cathie a "full-blown" demonstration.

"That's quite enough," hastened Cathie, "we'll soon have this sorted out. By the way, did you see that a duck who had a gangrenous leg was operated on and had a replacement leg put on? It is now hopping around quite merrily! I hope we don't have to do that with any part of the Fredcat anatomy. And, did you know that the artificial leg came from a Barbie doll?"

"Well, we have a few stuffed toys around here," said Mr. B. unkindly, "you could be given some rabbit's ears if your hearing is a problem, Fredcat, or the tail of a teddy bear if you own extremity becomes limp and crooked." Fredcat looked quite alarmed!

"That's quite enough of the scary stories," said Cathie, "we'll make another appointment right away and we'll soon have our dear Fredcat back to full health."

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July 9th 2004

Weather Reporter cat Large image

Fredcat has been spending much of the day basking in the hot North Carolina sunshine. Today it was well over 90F - wonderful for a sleepy cat! Looking at the weather reports elsewhere, Fredcat was astounded to find that his country of birth was drenched with rain - rain which was extending to large parts of the European continent.

"Even in the big cities, like Rome and Paris, the weather is awful," he said, "but we are basking in glorious sunshine. I have been watching the Tour de France on the TV, and the weather seems to have contributed to a very large number of crashes. A little bit of grease on the road and the high performance bikes skid quickly out of control."

"Do you think that if I asked Mr. B. nicely, he would take me out for my very own bike ride?" he asked his best human friend, Cathie. "One thing I like doing is sitting in the doorway with the fresh air in my face and the warmth of the house on my back. I could get the same effect on a bike - and without having to move a muscle!"

"Fredcat, what has got into you?!" said Cathie, in astonishment, "I know that d*gs love to go on car rides but I haven't seen many cats doing the same thing." "I think that that's because our humans fear that we cats will hop out at the first rest stop," replied Fredcat, "it would give some cats much more freedom as they're mostly housebound cats and they don't get out much."

"But me, I like the open air and I spend a lot of my time outside. If I were to go with Mr. B. then he could take me to the supermarket and I could get to choose my own cat food."

"Mmmm, a devious cat, methinks," muttered Cathie, "but a trier!"

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July 8th 2004

Weather cancels outdoor opera Large image

After successfully helping Fredcat with his cat show capers Special Agent First Class Emi was preparing to travel back home to Italy. His first port of call was to be Milan - famous for the La Scala opera house. Fredcat had always wanted to travel but his dislike of cars and airplanes greatly limited his horizons!

"This opera house is probably the most famous in the world," explained Emi, "and we furtive felines sneak in from time to time to get ideas on how to hone our singing to a fine art."

"Well, I suppose you Italians have got this opera business all sorted out by now," agreed Fredcat, "I understand that an awful lot of opera is sung in Italian. I must say that the English do try to embrace opera but it remains, at the moment, a minority entertainment - even though some of the finest composers the world has ever known have written wonderful opera."

"I see that a spectacular outdoor opera show in England has just been cancelled because of the weather. That sounds almost surreal!" he continued. "I expect one could write an opera just about that," said Emi, with an impish grin, "I know that your best human friend, Cathie, would like to revisit Milan to visit its fine fashion houses, but the grumpy Mr. B. would only want to go there in the football season to watch the football matches at the San Siro Stadium to see how the excitable Milanese react when their team is being beaten at home matches. What a sourpuss!"

Fredcat finally waved Emi off, with Emi promising to keep Fredcat in touch with events Milanese. Having said his farewells, Fredcat tried warbling a few operatic notes himself but was soon cut short by the grumpy Mr. B. who quickly offered the Famous One some prawns if he would desist. Cunning contralto cat!

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July 7th 2004

Tremendous Treacle Large image

Fredcat watched (with not a little hometown pride) as Senator John Edwards was chosen by the presidential candidate, John Kerry, to be the running mate in the forthcoming presidential election in November. "I expect that we will hear lots and lots about this in the media over the next few months," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie.

"That was a good result for the local boy," said Fredcat, "but I am sure that if he had been advised to be photographed with me in the early days of the Democratic election campaign, his fame would have spread even farther and wider - such that Mr Edwards well have been in the position of choosing a running mate himself right now!

"On my recent look around my little world, I met one man, Tom, who had done very well for himself as a solicitor. He had had no less than eight cats at his home when he was growing up. His success surely says something good about the power of cats!" remarked Fredcat.

"I have also found a great new friend, Treacle!" he continued. "Amazingly, Treacle, like Special Agent First Class Emi, looks just like me and she has recently agreed to be another of my special agents. She is a very friendly cat and can use her lap-cat prowess to inveigle her way into the confidences of villains, to their eventual disadvantage. Trust a lady cat to do that! Welcome, Treacle!"

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July 1st 2004

Independence Day holiday weekend Large image

Fredcat looked out onto the garden as soon as he woke this morning, and saw the ground covered in a light mist. On the road outside the usual early morning joggers were puffing their way up the hill. Too much like hard exercise, thought Fredcat, it's time I had a holiday. I know that my friend Nikita is planning a visit here soon, so I'll make out a list of some things for us to do.

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was still asleep so Fredcat crept along to the kitchen and nibbled on some biscuits. It was even too early to make a fuss at Mr. B. and get him to provide some real meaty cat food.

At last Fredcat came to a decision: he would roam around the subdivision for a few days and check out what was going on in the wider world. He would even forgo persuading the humans to write up his daily diary for a few days. That would cheer them up!

But Fredcat is nothing if not diligent and, recognising his responsibility to his regular readers, he decided to get the humans to write down one of his Fredcat the Famous 'Tails'

So, Constant Reader, after you have read this diary entry, click on "Tails" to read about matters at the Cat Show.

And do not despair - Fredcat promises his readers that his daily diary will recommence on Wednesday July 7th. See you there and, in the meantime, click on the Tails link!

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