Saturday, July 30th 2005 (number 583)

Compatability cat Large image

Fredcat was asleep. Hardly a muscle was twitching, he was breathing slowly and shallowly, his tail was completely motionless. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was watching him sleep and she smiled.

Fredcat finally awoke to see Cathie almost drooling over him. "What are you doing?" he asked suspiciously, "I prefer to sleep alone if you don't mind, it makes me uncomfortable to have humans watch over me. I'm not ill, am I?" He examined himself all over and began to groom himself carefully.

"Now don't get upset," soothed Cathie, "but you looked so sweet lying there. I've seen cats sleeping in some very peculiar places, but you just looked so peaceful. I expect that best human friends the world over have similar happy feelings when they see their feline friends lying contentedly in a favourite spot, dreaming away." Yes, Dear Reader, well spotted - sometimes Cathie did go on a bit about her Fredcat.

"Wouldn't you rather have been the best human friend to a d*g?" asked Mr. B., brashly, "There are a lot of good features about d*gs that you may not have realised. I'm sure that you could've done a lot better than a ginger and white cat who eats you out of house and home and never says thank you for all the meals and special treats you get for him. Er, that is, I get for him," he corrected himself.

"Here's a simple test to see who's best," remarked Fredcat, "just check out this link and see who comes out top - by a mile... I think that my feline friends and I are way ahead of the game." So saying, Fredcat went over to Cathie, gave her a huge affectionate shoulder rub and went downstairs for tea.

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Friday, July 29th 2005 (number 582)

Clothing for Fredcat? Large image

"Clothes are not a subject I've had to worry about overmuch in my life," remarked Fredcat, "unlike you humans - who seem to be obsessed with them." Fredcat was in a combative mood. "When I note how much you people spend on clothing and how much time you waste admiring yourselves in mirrors I'm glad I don't have to bother dressing up."

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was not one to take this attack lying down. "Ever since we humans started living in caves and hunting wild animals for food we've had to deal with the problems of variations of warmth; as soon as the temperature drops a mite, we pile on more and more layers of clothing. It's not our fault if we take a delight in choosing to wear attractive clothing."

The Grumpy One was quick to butt in, "It must be awful to wake up day after day wearing the same old gear," he said, surprisingly. Fredcat knew that Mr. B. hardly ever changed his outer garments if he could help it. He simply pulled on a different coloured shirt each day and hoped that that would get him by.

"I hear that your sister Janey is travelling to New York soon to see the bright lights," said Fredcat, "I bet she's really going to see the insides of the big department stores on Fifth Avenue. She'll be buying some new shoes for her and GEB I bet. I'm so glad I don't have to wear shoes - I'd have to buy two pairs at a time!"

"Well," he yawned, "I'm going to bed soon. But I do need you guys to finish printing my daily diary and turn down my bed for me. I want to nestle amongst my favourite bedding, a couple of well worn cat slippers and a old comfy blankie. Even though I don't wear clothes on me, I do enjoy curling up in something that will keep me warm. Please set to with my diary, and if the printer gives you any problems, just get in touch with this friend of mine, OK?" And he made his weary way to bed, nearly asleep on all four of his feet.

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Thursday, July 28th 2005 (number 581)

Special breed Fredcat Large image

"Tell me, Fredcat, why is it that if being a famous cat is so important in your life, you never look at yourself in the mirror? I would have thought that a truly vain cat like you would never tire of examining yourself in the looking glass." Thus spake Mr. B. who was being rather obnoxious this morning. "He must have added some lemon slices to his breakfast cup of tea today," thought Fredcat, privately.

Aloud he said, "Mirrors? What mirrors? I see no mirrors!" He grinned a slightly crooked grin, showing off one less front tooth than he had a year ago. "I am so ruggedly handsome, yet so self-effacing, that I don't need to preen myself in front of a reflecting glass. Not like you, who daren't look in a mirror in case it shatters."

"Now that is quite uncalled for," snapped Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "It's only natural that humans should take time to check their appearance."

She drew a breath and continued, "I have to confess that generally, generally, you understand, it's the female of the species who takes time and trouble over their appearance because they are, after all, the fairer sex." Her she paused, waiting for a compliment but, true to form, none was forthcoming. She patted her hair trying to give a hint but Mr. B. was completely oblivious to such subtleties. "Grrr... if I have to force him to make a flattering comment all the spontaneity is lost. What a waste of a human," she thought.

"Anyway," muttered Fredcat, "Just because I can't be bothered to glance in mirrors doesn't mean that all cats are the same. There are a lot of so-called highly bred cats who spend almost all day grooming themselves, far beyond the necessity to do so. I know that I am one of a special type of majestic feline; rugged, handsome, and with the ability to know my place in this modern world. Not like some d*gs I know. Some of these poor mutts have even been offered their own cellphones to make sure they don't get lost, the little darlings. I don't need that stuff, thank you very much."

"We cats have one important function here on earth and that's to catch and dispose of mice, and a cellphone would just hamper me in that task. Oh dear! I think that I'll have to make an expedition to this island where mice have turned on birds - their cats clearly need a high level bird management strategy to be developed for them. I'm the man, errrrr, cat, for the job." And off he went to lie down and consider his strategy. Unfortunately he was somewhat sidetracked on the way by his feeding bowls. Planning is all well and good, but the inner cat does require maintenance, you know ...

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Wednesday, July 27th 2005 (number 580)

Chocolate-y Fredcat Large image

The parcel from abroad was very large and Mr. B. spent several minutes opening it. He gleefully rummaged through the contents finally holding up a number of bars of chocolate. "See here, Fredcat," he announced, "We have some English chocolate - both I and your best human friend, Cathie, are going to thoroughly enjoy eating this!"

"Why are you so pleased?" yawned Fredcat, "It's only chocolate and that stuff is made the world over; some of the best is made in Europe." Mr. B. snorted. "May I remind you Fredcat, that you yourself have your likes and dislikes and people the world over are usually delighted when a parcel arrives from back home. It's like receiving a reminder of how things used to be - and that always brings back sweet memories."

Fredcat looked at Mr. B disdainfully and said, "Do you remember the times you said you liked dark chocolate and then woke up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache after eating some? Me, I'm quite fussy about the things I eat but I don't go into rhapsodies about it."

"Oh no?" said Mr. B. "What about the times I've offered you several different types of cat food and you've turned your nose up at each and every offering, turning instead to plain old cat biscuits". "Must have been the way you didn't wash my food bowls properly," sniffed Fredcat, "or it was probably the way the food was served. Nobody likes dishes slapped down with a take-it-or-leave-it attitude." He grinned slyly, he knew how to wind up the sometimes pompous Mr. B.

"But I notice you do like some chocolate products," said Mr. B., "I also remember you licking lots of yogurt and chocolate mousse recently. I honestly thought that cats weren't supposed to like sweet things. Well, you do - and no mistake! Ah, here's some cheese, I don't suppose you like English Cheddar, do you? Oh, you do! Now just slow down and leave some for Cathie ..." Too late, Mr. B.!

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Tuesday, July 26th 2005 (number 579)

Heatwave in North Carolina Large image

Fredcat was gazing into the fire. "You know, Mr. B., it would be nice to have the fire on, for a change. I know it's a tad warm today, but you could turn up the air conditioning to keep the place cool while the fire's on, you know. It's very nice to sit and watch the flickering flames ... What say you?"

Mr. B. looked daggers at Our Hero. "Are you crazy?! Raleigh and the whole of North Carolina is in the middle of a heatwave! Complete with heat advisories! We'll have no switching on of gas fires here, thank you very much!"

Fredcat, being a cat, was totally insular in his interest in the world outside when it came to the question of whether there was enough (or, alternatively, too much) heat. Mr. B. had been given his heatwave orders by Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, before she'd set off to work. "No kipping on the screened porch in temperatures above 95 degrees," which, translated, meant from lunchtime onwards. Now that was clear and unambiguous.

Cathie continued, "Such heat is excessive for a thickly-furred feline of Fredcat's ilk. He'll need plenty of water, and the all the fans will have to be going. Tomorrow, and the next day, it's going to be even worse. The forecast is for temperatures to reach over a hundred degrees F in North Carolina and that will be way too hot for a little kitten like the Famous One." Here Cathie nodded her head vigorously to emphasise the point and Mr. B. duly took note. No moribund cats were to be visible on Cathie's return home to the Fredcat residence - or else!

Fredcat looked at Cathie and said, "I hear you going on about keeping cool and having lots of water available but you must remember that we felines need proper nourishment as well, whatever the temperature." (Someone clearly had his thoughts firmly fixed once more upon his insides.) "Food is of the utmost import to we felines. I'm rather surprised that I wasn't included in that survey of a new food product that's being developed. I'm sure I could give an excellent rating if it were worth my while to come up with the right responses." Here Fredcat gave a huge wink but Cathie remarked crossly, "These tests are taken seriously, Fredcat; there are no opportunities to fiddle the results by subtle bribery, thank you very much."

"It's not bribery," scowled Fredcat, "but I know that in some quarters a nod and a wink work wonders for all concerned and I'm happy to play along, if that's the right game to play!" He turned to Cathie, "You do know that it's National Hotd*g Month, don't you, and I have been known to chew on a hot d*g once or twice as the mood takes me, you know." But his (less than) subtle pleas fell on deaf ears and he had to resort to the pickings in his food bowl for once. Poor Fredcat...

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Monday, July 25th 2005 (number 578)

Pulsating energy Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat lay peacefully on the floor of the screened porch, seemingly dead to the world. To the eyes of his best human friend, Cathie, his head was perched uncomfortably on a small collection of electrical leads which lay scattered on the floor.

"Oi! Fredcat! I know you're a lazy cat but what's this - are you trying to make up for your lack of energy by absorbing energy from electrical wires? Won't work, old chap, but nice try, anyway!" Cathie was in an ebullient mood, having recently finished a BBQ meal, cooked (surprisingly) well by Mr. B., and she was now feeling in a playful mood. "Why don't you shift a bit to the right," she added, "you'll get a bit more power if you lie right on top of the biggest cable."

Now this was most unfair, thought Fredcat, as he hastily woke from his slumber. What was Cathie going on about? She knew full well that cats like to sleep on high but when one is forced by circumstances to curl up on the floor simply because tiredness has overtaken one before one can reach a high sleeping place, every bit of upward leverage is welcome (even that afforded by electrical cables).

Fredcat shifted his position a trifle and prepared to drop back to sleep again. He had earlier been unceremoniously booted off his current favourite sleeping place atop the glass-topped table by Mr. B. who had complained that he needed the table for its proper function (to whit, the serving of the mid-day meal). For once Fredcat had been too tired to react angrily - which was why he was currently lying down on the floor trying to send ESP messages to Cathie, to ask her to direct the floor-standing fan to blow on him.

His body moved once more, twitched a trifle then all was still. He had been dreaming about flying, (although friends of Fredcat will recognise that that's not one of his favourite activities). Today he was the master pilot of the air, emulating the great French aviator Louis Bleriot, skimming over the English Channel in his heavier-than-air flying machine, 96 years ago today. In this dream Cathie was still arguing that it was impossible for lumps of metal heavier than air to fly but Fredcat the Famous Bleriot knew better. "Look out below! Pip-pip! Coming in to land at Dover!"

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Saturday, July 23rd 2005 (number 577)

Famous immigrant cat! Large image

"Did you even know the risk you were taking?" demanded Fredcat, "All that way and not much thought put into it!!" Fredcat hopped from pair of paws to pair of paws (which is a very hard thing to do). He almost rocked himself off his standing limbs and would have fallen but for the prompt action of Cathie who obligingly caught him in the nick of time.

"This flight to the US is what I'm referring to," continued Fredcat, "I didn't realise how dangerous it was! I'm not talking about dangers from other human travellers but the tragedy caused by lack of drinking water! You know that I'm not a major admirer of the canine fraternity but even my heart was disturbed by the plight of the poor d*g on that recent flight to Australia. And on British Airways!" He shuddered. "Why, they're the very people who brought me over to the US nearly five years ago!"

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, shifted a little uncomfortably in her seat. "You can't judge all airlines, or even one airline, for one mistake, no matter how terrible the outcome," she said soothingly. "Lookee here, your trip turned out all right now, didn't it?" But Fredcat was not to be placated so easily. "Look here, we have record temperatures here in North Carolina. I've seen the thermometer in the garden and it's now reading 100 degrees in the shade - that's very hot, and without liquid refreshment we cats would be gonners."

"Calm down, my lovely friend," said Cathie, "When you and I came over from England we had to fly to Charlotte because the airline felt that there were risks in transporting animals (especially Famous Ones!) in their airplanes in the hot summer months, that's why you flew into Charlotte and not into Raleigh."

"But Raleigh's even further south - and even hotter!" objected Fredcat. "I hope that my flying into Charlotte wasn't Mr. B.'s idea." Cathie scowled and said, "It wasn't! It was entirely my decision, so be quiet, you've had a wonderful time since we came to America, so there." And she chukked the Mighty One greatly about the ears and the grousing feline grudgingly subsided. He was a real softie when it came to being "chukked".

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Friday, July 22nd 2005 (number 576)

Speedster Fredcat! Large image

The Famous One was seething, and didn't care who knew it. "I am not going out with that racing-mad Mr. B. ever again unless he learns to slow down. Ever since he found that nice quiet strip of road nearby he thinks he can race around in relative safety - he's gone right round the bend, literally!" Fredcat seethed. He'd been persuaded (against all his better instincts) to go shopping with the Grumpy One and now was wishing he hadn't.

The ride was only three miles away, a simple drive to the nearest strip mall and back, and Fredcat was bitterly regretting it. "You must learn to like the motor car," lectured Mr. B., "so that when you need to travel it won't seem so awful." It was almost famous last words as Fredcat had jumped out of the car on reaching the safety of the garage, feeling dizzy all over.

"Stop complaining," said Mr. B., "There's no point in me taking the trouble to take you out for a spin on such a glorious day if you're going to complain about it like this. Little traffic, no police cars to annoy us, the wind whistling in one's hair and all's right with the world. It's a man's dream to live like this!" His euphoria was probably understandable only to other car-mad nut-cases, thought Fredcat.

"I would love to have a really fast car," said Mr. B., "Or even an expensive posh car. On TV right now are all sorts of advertisements showing the latest car models, and all the major manufacturers are giving discounts which match the ones they usually give only to their employees. Car buyers are really enjoying a field day as they snap up bargains."

"I don't care what type of vehicle you drive, I want none of it," stormed Fredcat, and stalked into the kitchen for a cooling drink of water to calm his nerves. When Mr. B went hunting for him later he found the Mighty One sprawled on the round table in the screened porch once more. He was just about to remonstrate with Fredcat when one beady feline eye opened and Mr. B. thought better of it. One can't be too careful when a cat has sharp claws and a clear intent to use 'em - and Fredcat's claws are very sharp. What a day. Everybody needs to cool down, it seems ...

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Thursday, July 21st 2005 (number 575)

Herbivore cat Large image

After Mr. B. had fed the hungry Fredcat to the latter's satisfaction, they both went outside. The Grumpy One had decided to do some gardening whilst the heat of the day was still tolerable. Fredcat, as was his wont, simply lay down, stretched out languorously over a lush patch of grass, and supervised.

It didn't take long for the Grumpy One to become fed up with the large number of weeds needing to be pulled. "Why don't you employ a gardener to do this work?" sighed Fredcat, "I'm sure that's what any sensible human would do."

Mr. B. straightened up, mopped his brow (because, despite the early hour, it was warm work) and said, "It's a fact that most British people, and in particular the English, take pride in and a great deal of care of their gardens. I don't know why that's so but this scraggy garden patch is a long way from the idyllic rose gardens of the English countryside, I can tell you." And Mr. B. mopped his brow again. "I really don't like gardening at all, I don't know why I put myself through it," he muttered to no one in particular.

Fredcat looked surprised at this, "You've taken a great deal of care over some parts of this garden, Mr. B., my famous Fredcat residence stone is great! I would've said that you liked gardening. How strange!" And he scratched his ginger forehead in surprise. "If you dislike doing it so much, why are you trying to grow potatoes and tomatoes, as well as shoving shrubs into the ground at every available opportunity? Can't you leave well alone and let thistles grow? I rather like thistles, and grass, " he added, eating a long blade of wet grass as he spoke.

"I thought you were a meat-eater," snapped Mr. B. crossly, "that's grass you're eating, my lad, not beef." He chuckled, wondering why the Mighty One was chowing down on grass instead of eating succulent choice pieces of cooked cattle. He was soon to find out. When he finally made his way back into the Fredcat residence there was the recently consumed blade of grass lying in a little puddle on the kitchen floor, just waiting for Mr. B. to clean it up. "I needed that grass," said Fredcat, "It helps to keep my digestive system and insides cleaned out, if you know what I mean." Yes. Dear Reader, Mr. B. knew full well what that meant, and thanked his lucky stars that Fredcat didn't eat grass more often.

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Wednesday, July 20th 2005 (number 574)

Gluttonous cat Large image

By the end if the day Mr. B. was counting up the number of food dishes he had at one time or another laid out for Fredcat. "Let me see, a huge pile of cat biscuits, two plates of minced beef and two plates of chicken pieces. And of course, iced water to taste. He looked over at Fredcat who was dozing peacefully in the sun's lengthening rays at the end of a long warm day and sighed. Fredcat didn't look obese, not even fat; over the years he had consistently weighed in on the v*ts scales at twelve pounds nothing. "If only he ate nothing," said Mr. B., "I would be much better off."

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, purrsed her lips and considered the Fredcat frame. "He looks well fed but he doesn't show it," she muttered. "With humans it's relatively easy to say whether one is overweight to any degree. A single calculation and all is reduced to a an equation. If your Body Mass Index (BMI) is within predetermined ranges then that is how you are assessed, weight-wise. But there doesn't seem to be a useful BMI for felines, so how can we tell?"

Fredcat had been secretly listening to this conversation (despite apparently being in a dozing trance) and he smiled at the foolishness of humans. "Look, a fat cat is a fat cat, and fat d*g is a fat d*g. You don't need a calculator to tell you that. A really fat cat can hardly lift itself off the floor and probably sleeps right by the food bowls.

"Of course you need to have a proper exercise regime and eat the right kind of foods; plenty of fruit and vegetables," said Mr. B., with a supercilious grin. But Fredcat scoffed at this and asked the Grumpy One to tell him the last time that he had seen Fredcat eat either or any of those foodstuffs. "I'm a carnivore and I like and need meat, cold or warm or almost hot with thick juicy gravy, it doesn't matter to me," he mewed, "Just bring them on. I have been eating this stuff for years now and I can still scamper up the stairs faster than either of you humans, so I must be doing the right thing." To which there was no decent reply.

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Tuesday, July 19th 2005 (number 573)

Entertainer Fredcat Large image

We live in a lovely warm climate remarked Fredcat, "For a warm blooded feline like me it's absolutely marvellous to be able to stretch out in this warm summer sun and relax all day." Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, however, yelled at Fredcat, "Get Mr. B. to turn the air conditioning on; with my state of health as it is I need to feel really cool all day and not baked at 400F like a roast potato."

Fredcat looked askance at Cathie, and said in his best condescending tone, "I know it's warm in here but never 400F, I wish you wouldn't exaggerate. Everyone knows you'd love to live in an igloo in Lapland somewhere - with the door open." He laughed good naturedly, but nonetheless did as he was asked and soon Mr. B. had reluctantly turned the air conditioning down several notches. "It's very hot and sticky outside, I reckon it'll thunder soon," he said.

And indeed thunder and lightning and buckets of rain soon followed. "I want to go out," wailed Fredcat. "Missed your chance," said Cathie, "in the meantime why not join me in a sing-song until the weather clears; we could sing about all the medications you have been forced to take over the years." This provoked another scowl from Our Hero but he started to warble his who's winning happy song, until Mr. B. called upon him to pipe down.

"You're nowhere near being ready for the TV or radio," cringed Mr. B., "Even if we added canned laughter and applause you wouldn't cut it as a musician. Look, why don't you peek out of the front door and watch the sun go down after the rain. It's a marvellous sight. The sun always looks larger at dusk, even though it doesn't change shape. If you lived on Mars (any thoughts about that Fredcat?) you would see an entirely different sundown. The sun would be much further away as this larger picture shows. It's quite beautiful."

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Monday, July 18th 2005 (number 572)

Gnomical cat! Large image

"Lots of people like cats, don't they?" remarked Fredcat. He was quite pleased with this observation. "I don't just mean ordinary, mundane people like you and Mr. B. but important people, like kings and captains of industry." Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, sat a tad stone-faced at this casual remark, but eventually, she sighed. Fredcat meant well but he was a bit heavy-handed with his comments at times.

Fredcat leapt ahead with his praise for the feline kingdom, "See here, even a notable human as His Holiness, the Pope likes cats, that surely must be a good sign." Cathie sighed again, "Lookee here, Fredcat, for every high and mighty person who likes cats there's bound to be one who adores d*gs (however much you dislike the notion) and what's more there are those folks who have no particular regard for either felines or canines. And I don't believe the Pope or any other high dignitary would dream of taking sides on such an issue. Be content with your lot, matey."

"What about inanimate objects then? Surely we felines are better than artifacts made of wood and stone? I mean, I like my Fredcat the Famous stone in the front telling the world where my residence is, but that's merely a stone isn't it?" Cathie laughed and replied, "Well OK, I don't know how that was created but there might be tiny crystallised creatures inside it, which would give it some life characteristics."

Mr. B. sauntered into the room and said, "Why Fredcat, with you looking so serious sitting still in your bright orange and white markings, you could almost be taken for a common garden gnome! All you need is a wide-brimmed hat and a large belt and you'd fit the bill perfectly. A load of your friends were washed up on the beach a few days ago in Australia - and even more have been found here in the US. Gnomes are everywhere! You could call yourself King of the Gnomes. That would suit you, no end."

Fredcat decided to give up on the "felines are best" argument, but still had a card to play. "Gnomes don't need food, do they? Whereas we cats are always hungry for a nibble every few minutes or so. SO???" And his humans gave in, with good grace.

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Saturday, July 16th 2005 (number 571)

Nomenclature Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat pawsed in mid-thought. "Fredcat", he said out aloud. "Hmmm..." Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, looked over at him and waited. Surely there would be more from the Mighty One than just a solitary word. But Fredcat appeared to be in a world of his own. He had even stopped chewing at his cat biscuits. This was not a good sign. "Are you ill again?" Cathie asked him.

Fredcat slowly replied, "No, I'm fine, except ... why am I called Fredcat? When I was younger I distinctly remember being named Freddy. I'm not sure if I want to be called a cat as part of my name. Hardly any other cats are called "cats". If they are, it's usually because their human friends can't be bothered to think of a name and just name them "Cat". That's very hurtful, you know."

He went on, "Look, you're a human, but you're not called "Cathie Human" are you? Or even worse, "Cathiehuman". Neither is Mr. B.! (Although he could be called Mr. I. B. Grumpy - that would suit him!)"

Cathie was not amused. "Listen, matey, you can be called anything you like. You're not a pet lion, you're a pet cat. Cats that come via the good offices of a rescue centre are usually given a name by said centre, but it's up to the cat and its best human friend to decide if they wish to keep or change that name. I renamed you Freddy because you were cute as a kitten. We chose to call you both Freddy and Fredcat; we like the Fredcat name because it's distinctive, and suits a cat as famous as you."

"You're right!" agreed Fredcat. "I've been Googling my name, and almost every link brings up my famous diary! I'm clearly not only a famous cat but a distinctively-named famous cat. OK. I'm happy to go with this name. But maintaining my famosity requires sustenance, so ..."

"Yes, yes, I know, Fredcat, Best beef, please! I'll set to it, right now," said Cathie, with a smile ...

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Friday, July 15th 2005 (number 570)

Firefighter Fredcat Large image

Fredcat frowned. The humans were discussing what needed to be done to insure the Fredcat residence against various hazards. "We've already had experts around to check for termites," said Mr. B. "and we have spent loads of cash on insurance for Fredcat's PC, his feeding bowls and other assorted Fredcat sundries."

Fredcat didn't like the sound of this. He rightly considered he was so famous that he was above the detail of maintenance of his residence and so he left all the minutiae of running his household to his humans - after all, that was what they were there for.

He was particularly disturbed about one aspect, though. "What happens if there's a fire and the Fredcat residence is consumed in a terrible conflagration, and we have nowhere to live?" His question was not without merit but Mr. B. had a ready reply. "We would simply rent another Fredcat residence using the insurance money," he said smugly, as if that solved everything.

But Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was not so impressed. "Yes, but it might take quite a while to sort things out," she pointed out, "and then where would we be?" Mr. B quickly replied, "We three could camp out! Right now the weather's perfect - and we could sing around a campfire."

Cathie turned to Fredcat and said despairingly, "Sometimes I wonder just how practical Mr. B. really is, Fredcat." Fredcat chipped in, "But what if the fire alarms don't work? Will it be left to me to wake you and escort you downstairs and to safety? I would rather not be responsible for being an unpaid firefighter cat, if you don't mind. I'm not that sort of cat. I think you'd better check those fire alarms again."

Cathie immediately turned to the Grumpy One, who was dreaming of toasting marshmallows over an open fire, and said, "But what if the fire alarms don't work? Will it be left to Fredcat to wake us and escort us downstairs and to safety? I don't think he should be responsible for being an unpaid firefighter cat, if you don't mind. He's not that sort of cat. I think you'd better check the batteries in those smoke alarms again."

Mr. B. shook off the strange feeling of deja vu which had swept over him while vaguely listening to Cathie's words, dismissed all thoughts of toasted marshmallows and, with a sigh, went to find something to write down the start of a list of things to be done tomorrow. Insurance, smoke alarm batteries, airports ... he needed a holiday, he thought, ruefully.

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Thursday, July 14th 2005 (number 569)

Suspicious Fredcat Large image

Fredcat could hardly believe it: his humans were up extremely early and had already prepared his food bowls with double rations, and an overflowing basin of brand new cat biscuits as well. The water bowl was freshly clean, full of sparkling iced water. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had picked up the Mighty One (who was only half awake), had given him a very quick cuddle, and, together with Mr. B., had promptly vanished.

Fredcat stared at the food and, with a shrug, got on with demolishing it. That part was easy. The air-conditioning fan was working well but the Fredcat residence was strangely quiet without the surprisingly comforting sounds of Mr. B. going about his daily tasks.

It was very late when the humans returned. Mr. B. marched up to the fridge and placed a magnetic picture of a darling cat high up on the door and smiled approvingly. Fredcat stared at him and Cathie in horror and hopped back when she came closer. "I don't believe it," he thought, "they've gone to look at another cat, behind my back. Don't they understand that cats choose humans and not the other way around?"

He wondered if this was the beginning of the end for him at the Fredcat residence. "Wouldn't Mr. B. snigger at that!" thought the Mighty One. "First the scare about moving house and now a replacement moggie - and a black and white one at that! I don't know if I can take much more of this. How ungrateful - and after all I've done for them!" He shivered.

"What's the matter with you, Fredcat?" demanded Cathie, "Don't I get a proper greeting from you? I've had a busy day and I need to have a cuddle with my famous feline to help soothe away the cares of the day. Come on now, what's up?" Without speaking, Fredcat pointed at Cathie's black skirt. Cathie looked down and casually brushed away some cat hairs. "You've been picking up other cats," he said, sadly, "you want rid of me - and Mr. B. has put up a picture of your chosen replacement cat before I've even had a chance to pack my bags!" Fredcat was clearly in a bad way, emotionally.

Look here," said Cathie, "I know this is Bastille Day in France but we don't intend to chop your little head off and replace you with another favourite. That cat hair, you idiot, is your Fredcat fur - from you when I gave you a quick cuddle this morning! It's probably been there all day during my car trip! And that picture? Come, come! It's merely a reminder to Mr. B. to feed you nice and early in the morning, you daft thing! Here, let me read the words for you, as your eyesight clearly isn't up to it, it says, "There's no snooze button on the cat who wants breakfast."

Fredcat's little heart missed a beat and he gulped. "Oh!" was all he could muster, "I seem to have got the wrong end of the stick. Just a reminder for Mr. B., eh! Well, that is good news indeed." And he jumped up into Cathie's arms and even smiled happily at Mr. B. "See you tomorrow morning then," he purred, "Nice and early."

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Wednesday, July 13th 2005 (number 568)

Residential Fredcat Large image

Fredcat knew that from time to time his humans had conversations that didn't particularly concern him. He allowed this to happen; they could have their meaningless chatter whilst he dozed in front of a cooling fan - their boring chit-chat didn't usually have any significnce to the famous feline existence. Fredcat did recognise the essential usefullness of humans - they ensured a steady supply of suitable food and water, they kept his bedding clean, and they tidied up his litter tray once in a while. Other than that, Pffft!

Now Fredcat had excellent hearing but when one is listening to humans droning on, the actual words become a bit of a background noise. But something that his best human friend, Cathie, had just said made him sit up and take notice. The humans were moving. They were moving house!

"The new place is so much bigger than the old place," said Cathie, "I'm really looking forward to the move. We'll have so much more room. I went around it today again and it's even bigger than I'd imagined when we saw it from the outside a month ago. I'm looking forward to moving in!" Mr. B. was equally delighted, "It's what you've always wanted, isn't it? Somewhere with plenty of space to be able store all your bits and pieces. What about the moving-in date? Do you think the place will be ready in time?"

"Wow!" thought Fredcat, "This has been going on behind my back. But now I know about it I'd better get cracking and start thinking about packing. I have so many beds to sort out, as well as all my food bowls. Luckily I have little in the way of toys and stuff but there is my PC and my blankets and my famous diary to consider. I think I should have my beds cleaned before the move ...."

He pawsed. "Cathie mentioned, 'A big building' Wow! If that's the case there'll be plenty of room for me and I can spread my famous belongings around the house! I'll have my own bedroom (of course), and my own den, yup, and a playroom, and an exercise room with the very best feline exercise equipment available ... I think I shall need some more staff, and they'll probably have to live in - I'd definitely like a bearer to carry me up and down the stairs, and a personal food taster to check out some of the beefy meats (to make sure they're up to my demanding standards), and a personal groomer to help keep my fur glossy in the summertime, and a personal shopper to ensure that my foods are only of the best quality ... I suppose I should retain my present Butler because he's quite harmless, really. There's no need to have an additional cleaner, I can leave that safely to Mr. B." And Fredcat chuckled, thinking of Mr. B cleaning a Fredcat residence twice the size of the present one.

Soon he came downstairs, lugging his best blanket which he gave to a surprised Cathie to pack. It was then that Cathie told him the news. "I'm moving into a new building at work next month," she stated firmly. " We're all staying here, thank you very much, we've had more than enough house moves over the years and we have no reason to move again." The Famous One's fuzzy marshmallow face was a picture to behold as his plans and wishes came to earth with a bump. However he pulled himself together stoically and turned his attention to carefully lugging his blanket back upstairs. "I like my current residence," he remarked to no one in particular, "Cathie's here - and I was going to keep my Butler anyway, even if we were moving house," and he curled up on his blanket and fell asleep.

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Tuesday, July 12th 2005 (number 567)

Disappearing Cat! Large image

Fredcat had woken the Grumpy One, as normal, and had demanded and eaten the Fredcat breakfast, as normal. His best human friend, Cathie, had left for work on time leaving Mr. B. to clean up the interior of the Fredcat residence. Fredcat went to ground and did not appear when it was time for his mid-morning snack. This was not common but neither was it unusual. If the Famous One had found a particularly good resting spot he was quite capable of sleeping large portions of the day away there, unaware of the passage of time, despite any conflicting pangs of hunger.

Mr. B. continued blithely on with his routine; the day passed peacefully; he watched TV, made himself lunch, drank several cups of tea, and did a hundred and one other interesting things without giving a moment's thought to the whereabouts of the Famous One. It was only a telephone call from Cathie to say that she was on her way home from work that startled him out of his complacency. "Fredcat, mmmm, yes, errrr, Fredcat," he stuttered, "Ah yes, he's fine," he added, somewhat unconvincingly. Mr. B. was useless at telling fibs, everyone knew that.

A frantic search followed but to no avail. Cathie arrived home and Mr. B. thrust a cup of hot tea into her hands and asked her, seemingly solicitous, how her day had gone. He might have saved himself the trouble. "Where's my little kitten hiding?" demanded Cathie, "You've lost him, he's been run over. WHERE IS HE?"

A more thorough search followed but despite two humans peering into every nook and cranny that Fredcat had been know to use over the years he had been residing with the two humans, there was no sign of him. It quickly turned out that it was all Mr. B.'s fault. "It can't have been my fault because I was at work," reasoned Cathie, to which there was no adequate reply.

And then half an hour later, just as Cathie was ordering a cat-sized coffin, in sauntered Fredcat through his famous cat door. He strolled casually into the kitchen and sat down. Now a cat can sense when there is trouble afoot and he knew that there was a cacophony of emotions flying through time and space towards him. "Better let these emotions die down first," he thought.

But first he cast a quizzical eye towards Mr. B. "Where's my tea?" It was pointless remonstrating; Fredcat was back, alive and well, and the humans had to learn to live with it. Mr. B. was very relieved but that didn't stop Cathie from saying a few words of wisdom on how better to look after The Famous One in future ....

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Monday, July 11th 2005 (number 566)

Jumping Jacks cat! Large image

Eddie had telephoned Fredcat. The former had been having a high old time at the residence of his best human friend, Mistole. Being still quite young for a kitten and full of the joys of spring, he had no inhibitions about restraining his mobility around the Eddie residence and had sorted out the whys and wherefores of what Eddie wanted to do. He had been, up to now, a very happy cat.

But Eddie has called Fredcat to tell him how he was now under a little pressure from his best human friend who wanted Eddie to curtail his enthusiasm and settle down a bit - and in particular to cut down on scratching the furniture. Fredcat frowned, he didn't like the sound of that. He knew that Eddie was exuberant and needed time and space to use up his apparently boundless supply of energy.

"Do you have your own cat door?" enquired Fredcat, and back came the answer, "Nope, I've been advised that it's far safer for me not to be an indoor/outdoor cat so I have to make my fun within these here walls. It gets a bit dull sometimes when my human isn't around."

Fredcat thought for a while and then suggested, "Do you think that a companion cat might be the answer? With two of you around the Eddie residence you could have much more than twice the fun. There would always be another living feline for you to chat to and play with." But Eddie didn't exactly fancy that suggestion, and replied, "I'm not sure about that, Fredcat, my best human friend might not want two felines around the place, y'know. Even if she did, I might end up losing my position as the dominant cat if another cat came along. There's a definite pecking order in the domestic cat kingdom and I want to continue to be Numero Uno if you see what I mean."

Fredcat understood this purrfectly. When he was younger he had shared the Fredcat residence with Forby - indeed, as Forby was the older and dominant feline it might have been said that it was actually the Forby residence, but he brushed that thought from his mind.

"OK then," he said, "In the absence of any other solution you'll have to sharpen your claws on something other than Mistole's brand new leather settee and try to find a piece of furniture where your scratchings won't be immediately obvious. I think the very best solution would be to ask your best human friend to acquire a large climbing frame with all the bells and whistles on so you can sharpen your claws to your heart's content. That should do it!"

As Fredcat hung up the telephone he purred softly to himself; he did like giving advice, all he had to do was a spot of thinking and talking. Giving advice did, however, use up a certain amount of energy ... so off he went to a top up from his food bowls.

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Saturday, July 9th 2005 (number 565)

Second-ary Fredcat! Large image

I'm soaking wet all over!" yelled Fredcat, "And you know how much I hate this wet stuff on my famous furry fur." If looks could maim then Fredcat's piercing eyes would have reduced Mr. B's bath towel to a cinder. "If you'd just keep still I'll have you sorted in a little while," said the Grumpy One, "No, PLEASE, keep still if you want me to get you even passably dry." Reluctantly, Fredcat obeyed. He didn't have much choice; he had to get rid of this wet feeling as soon as possible.

The Grumpy One continued, "Don't fret, it's just the residue of yesterday's tropical depression Cindy. You should have known better than to fall asleep outdoors when you knew this rainfall was going to come drenching down. You have a perfectly good cat door which allows you to come into the Fredcat residence whenever you so choose - and you don't even need a key to enter or to remember any passwords either." Mr. B. grinned, it wasn't often that Fredcat made such errors of judgment and got mightily soaked as a result.

Fredcat glowered, "I thought I had sufficient time," he said, "But this came on so quickly, even I with my amazing reflexes, was too slow. The lightning crackled and I was rooted to the spot. If I'd started off even a minute earlier I would have been sitting pretty, indoors."

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was far more sympathetic, "Never mind my love, don't listen to that Mr. B., he's always saying things like: I'll be down in a minute, or Wait a sec, I'll be right there, but he never is." But Mr. B. was in high spirits for once as he set the towel out to dry. "Do you know what you can do in a minute? Like run a quarter of a mile if you're a human, or withdraw money from an ATM or place a packet of food in a cat's food bowl or...." And here Cathie interjected, "Or make everyone wait around while you watch the final minute of one of your precious sports programmes!"

"OK, what can you do in a second?" challenged Cathie. "Well," said the Smug One, "You could travel 186,000 miles if you were a light ray, or sneeze or blink if you're a Fredcat. The question of what one can do in a second is especially important this year, because we will be having an extra second gifted to us for doing absolutely nothing. See here if you don't believe me. Anyway, there's loads of things you can do in a second. Just try and think of them."

Now, Dear Reader, whilst you've been reading this and thinking of more things that can be done in one second, Fredcat was gathering his thoughts and, with a sly smile, he said, "I know of one excellent thing I can do in a single second. Just you wait until 5.30 am tomorrow morning! Even though it's lie-in Saturday, all I have to do is just let out one single piercing meow, right next to your ear and you'll be up and out of bed in a single second, and I'll get my morning breakfast nice and early. You just won't realise what's happened to you." And he strolled off happily.

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Friday, July 8th 2005 (number 564)

Detective Fredcat! Large image

It had turned out to be another boiling hot day yet the humans had disappeared in the car in the middle of the afternoon when they should have been relaxing with Fredcat. "This is strange behaviour," thought the Mighty One, "I wonder what they are up to." He didn't have long to wait. By early evening the pair sauntered in, looking very pleased with themselves before spotting Fredcat. Mr. B. gulped and fled upstairs.

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was not as fleet of foot as Mr. B. and Fredcat stood in her way as she attempted to move away herself. Fredcat's eyes narrowed and he took several steps closer. "I smell beef! You've been eating beef!! You've been out to a restaurant and you had best beef!!! Where's my share?" But it was no use. Even as he spoke he knew that the guilty look on his supposedly best human friend's face said it all. There was no beef for him.

Cathie tried to explain, "Well, Fredcat," she temporised, "We saw on TV that tropical depression Cindy was heading our way, you weren't around, and we, er, thought that as I had been dieting of late it would be nice to just have one little meal out, to make up for the diet, if you know what I mean. It was only a small meal out," she added, "and we came home as soon as we could."

This attempt at an explanation didn't cut any ice with Our Hero. "Even small meals can be shared with best friends," he purred angrily, "It must have been a very small piece of beef indeed for you to wolf it all down without once thinking of me." It was the word wolf that did it. Up to then, Fredcat had been on the high moral ground and Cathie knew it. But one small error had let Cathie back into the argument. "I don't wolf my food," she said, indignantly, "I am a very demure eater, if you must know. Like all women, I eat very daintily."

Fredcat scoffed at that but he knew he'd made a tactical error but he wasn't going to let Cathie get away with it completely. With a quick look out of the screened porch, with a gleam in his eye, he said, "Although you went out mid-afternoon to miss the tropical depression it hasn't arrived yet so I suggest that either you, or the cowardly Mr. B., hop down to the local supermarket and stock up on candles in case we have a power outage when the bad weather arrives."

"And while you're doing it, you could consider buying a small piece of best beef for my tea. While you are doing that I will make sure that some recent entries for my Guestbook are properly dealt with." And Fredcat snorted. These humans had to be taught a lesson. Yes, indeedy.

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Thursday, July 7th 2005 (number 563)

Olympian Favourite! Large image

Fredcat was annoyed with Mr. B. All day long the latter had been rooted to the comfy chair in front of the big TV, leaving the former hungry and desperate for something nice to fill the empty Fredcat innards. When Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie returned home from an exhausting day at the office, she was set upon by Fredcat who complained vociferously.

She immediately rounded on Mr. B. and asked for an explanation. But he was in a less than serious mood for once and was almost grinning. "Look here," he said, "You've missed all the fun, it seems that the Olympics are going to be set in London in the year 2012. Isn't that good? London has fought off competition from Madrid, Moscow, Paris and, ahem, New York." And the Grumpy One gave every indication of being ever so slightly pleased (because that, after all, is the British way).

"The year 2012?! That's seven years away," cried Fredcat, "You can't possibly be pleased about that, you'll be far too old and doddery to go there to enjoy that." And he smirked. But Mr. B. muttered, "Huh! You're a fine one to talk, Fredcat! In seven years time you'll be past twen..," But Cathie interjected quickly - and firmly - saying, "Fredcat will be celebrating his fifth birthday in 2012, he's the feline Peter Pan, don't cha know." She smiled all round, looking rather pleased with herself.

"I don't think the French President was very smitten with the result," chortled Mr. B., "I suspect he doesn't fancy going to the UK to eat British roast beef, with peas, carrots, boiled potatoes and gravy! Never mind, he can always go to a nice sunny country like Finland instead where they will make him warmly welcome. I'm sure they will treat him very well; they are a most hospitable nation." At this, Mr. B. laughed at his private joke until he choked and had to be given a glass of water.

"Well I'm not going to Britain for the Olympics anyway," said Fredcat, "I've really had enough of flying and I also think the British immigration controls might want to keep me in one of their nasty little cages for six months. I' m not going down that road, thank you. Now, where's that roast beef? If the French President doesn't want any, then that must mean there's more for me." And Fredcat sauntered off to his food bowls with a big grin on his marshmallow face, humming The Finland Song.

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Wednesday, July 6th 2005 (number 562)

Loveable cat! Large image

Overnight the thunder had boomed and Fredcat's acute hearing had been put to the test. He hated extremely loud noises and, following on from the noise of the Independence Day fireworks, the crashes of thunder had been almost too much. "I sometimes wish President Adams hadn't been quite so free with his vocabulary when he said that Independence Day should be celebrated with 'illuminations'," muttered Fredcat. Illuminations are OK but methinks the accompanying racket wasn't part of the deal!"

"Oh, stop whingeing," said Mr. B., "It's not that bad a deal, you were safe and sound inside your residence during the firework displays, so no harm's been done." Now this comment didn't go down very well with Fredcat or his best human friend, Cathie. They both glared at Mr. B. and Cathie quickly leapt to the Mighty One's defence. "He's a Little Love, and don't you forget it," she snapped, "This is what Fredcat should hear being said to him," she added and turning to the Fredcat PC, with the volume really, really high, she played this little tune.

"Noooooooo!" cringed Mr. B., "I can't listen to that sycophantic nonsense any longer, I'm off out to get a breath of fresh air." The other two didn't care, and they played the tune over and over until they had learnt the words and tune off by heart (which the Grumpy One thought wasn't that difficult).

On his return to the Fredcat residence, Mr. B. was met by a silence. "The Fredcat PC has crashed," muttered Cathie gloomily, "Perhaps we overdid playing the I Love You song?! Anyway we have to reboot the computer." "That's strange, are you sure it's not a virus?" frowned Mr. B., "You know how nasty they can be. I've been reading about this German student who caused millions of dollars worth of damage with his Sassar worm; he's been caught now but the consequences were highly significant whilst the worm was in its destructive stages."

"How can we prevent that sort of thing affecting us?" asked Fredcat, "I rather like my diary and I don't want it muddled up by viruses - or worms." Cathie smiled reassuringly and said, "We just have to hope that the people who write virus detection software know what they are doing. But you can never tell!" Oh dear ....

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Tuesday, July 5th 2005 (number 561)

Holidaying cat! Large image

Yesterday had been a good day. Fredcat was pleased with the outcome as his best human friend, Cathie, had brought back a nice well-cooked beefburger from the BBQ. Fredcat had decided at the last minute to stay at home and guard the Fredcat residence for two reasons: One, he didn't like to be around too many new folk all at once and secondly, he hated being driven in the car any more than was necessary. It reminded him too much of visits to the v*t's office.

The humans had driven off sporting colourful clothes which they thought showed patriotism to the US; there were all sorts of US-related emblems as well as lots of red, white and blue on their ensembles. Both of them even wore colourful baseball caps, with a US Independence Day motif. As the two drove away, Fredcat thought, "Those hats are a great idea - particularly for Mr. B. because his cap covers up a large area of the Grumpy One's hairless head."

There was another reason for Fredcat's decision to stay home, although Fredcat didn't like to admit it. Some people were bound to be setting off celebratory fireworks and, based on past experience in the UK, Fredcat knew that the safest place to be when that happened was at home. And sure enough, during the course of the evening there were several large bangs and Fredcat crept upstairs and slid neatly under the large bed where he felt very safe and secure. Eventually silence reigned once more, and soon his humans returned to the Fredcat residence.

"It has been a warm day," smiled Cathie as she drew from her bag a very large chunk of perfectly cooked beefburger. "I assume you know where this burger comes from?" she said, pointedly. "Of course I do," retorted Fredcat, "It comes from cattle; these creatures have been providing food to humans - and cats - over the ages." He thought for a moment, then said, "I feel sorry for cows in one way, they can get up to some pretty silly things, you know; this cow for example, managed almost unbelievably, to get his head stuck in a tree!"

"How unusual," said Cathie, trying to sound sympathetic but grinning all the same. "Whatever next?" Fredcat was on to this in a flash, "Did you hear about the weatherman who was struck by lightning, not once but twice? And by the very same storm that he was warning his viewers about?! Now that's incredible. If I were a weatherman and that happened to me once I would immediately take up a safer occupation like NASCAR racing!" And he returned to his extremely safe matter in hand - eating his Independence Day burger.

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Saturday, July 2nd 2005 (number 560)

Poetical Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat looked at the calendar and saw that it was already July. He exclaimed, "It's Independence Day on the 4th of July! It's a holiday!" Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, agreed and said, "We'll have to do something special." "As a matter of fact," said Mr. B., "Jane has invited us to her house to have a bit of a get together; many of her friends are invited - it's a 4th of July party!"

"Great!", said Fredcat, "Um, am I invited? Jane usually has some great ideas for grub and I do so like a bit of a change from boring old tuna." Cathie chuckled, and said, "I've never heard you once say that tuna was boring so don't give me that nonsense, Oh Mighty One. But if you can't make the party I'll bring you back a large chunk of beefburger that Dr. Ken has cooked, done just how you like it." Fredcat smiled and said, "OK, that'll do, anyway tuna isn't boring, it's just the way Mr. B. dishes it up that made me say that."

Meanwhile," said Cathie, "I want you, Fredcat, to have a look at these haiku poems that LeeAnn has sent us. I think they're fabulous - so cleverly put together." Fredcat looked at the little poems and remarked that they all looked similar. Cathie explained, "It's the format of the poems that are the same, Fredcat, only the words are different. The poems only have three lines; the first and third lines have five syllables, the second, two. One can run sentences into each other, just like in real poems and the end result is supposed to be witty and bring just a tiny smile to the reader's lips."

"Dead easy," said Fredcat and Mr. B. together. "Let me try first," said Fredcat, he was roundly overuled in the grounds of "Ladies first", so Cathie cleared her throat and started:

  Wonderful Fredcat
  Unofficial State Feline
  So marvellous too!

"What do you think of that?" she said. "Lovely, very accurate," said Fredcat, "Pure fiction," said Mr. B.

Then Mr. B. had his turn. He harrumped a lot and recited in a loud, meaningful voice:

  Fredcat is a pain
  He wakes me up too early
  He only wants grub!

"What do you think of that?" he said. "Absolutely dreadful," cried Cathie and Fredcat simultaneously.

"I think it's my turn now," said Fredcat, at last. And he began:

  There's only one cat
  Whose handsome and dashing, that's
  Fredcat the Famous

When Fredcat had finished there was a moment's silence as Cathie and Mr. B. vainly tried to think of some redeeming feature of the last haiku, and inwardly decide which haiku was best. (Unsurprisingly, each voted for their own.) So Cathie did the only thing she could think of and said, "Perhaps some of your readers could think of better haikus - but they have to be about Fredcat."

So Dear Reader, it's your turn to have a go. Meanwhile, Fredcat, Cathie and the Grumpy One are going to enjoy Independence Day. See you again on Tuesday July 5th!

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Friday, July 1st 2005 (number 559)

Contractual Fredcat! Large image

Mr. B. stared at the mouse and the mouse stared right back at him. "The effrontery of it!" thought Mr. B. "I wonder who that big human is?" thought the mouse. Actually, Mr. B. had not seen a real totally alive mouse before; most of the mice he had viewed had been dead or half dead when Fredcat had brought them in for inspection, or as gifts, or to teach humans how to go about catching mice, or simply to play with.

"Fredcat!" yelled Mr. B. in his loudest voice, "Where is he when he's most needed?" Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, called down from the study, "The last I saw of him he was taking a little nap on the front doormat where it's nice and warm," she said. She was right but when Mr. B. opened the door and told Fredcat about the mouse Fredcat stayed sleepily where he was.

There was no time to waste. Hoisting Fredcat abruptly into the air where the Famous One could get a bird's eye view of the world, Mr. B. marched quickly into the kitchen and set him down a few feet from the mouse, who hadn't moved. "Look! A mouse! Sort it out," demanded Mr. B., "That's your job, isn't it?"

But the mouse and Fredcat pretty well ignored each other. It was definitely a case of I won't expend energy chasing you and you can get on with mopping up the scraps left behind from the Grumpy One's table, OK? Little nods of agreement all round. "What game are you playing?" screeched Mr. B. and, lifting up Fredcat once more, placed him inches from the mouse. This time the mouse moved off a little and Fredcat made a few desultory passes at pretending to catch it but it all came to nothing.

"What do you think I pay you for?" spluttered Mr. B. "You're supposed to keep the place free of mice and in return you get fed best beef." "Sorry, but I believe that if you check my terms and conditions you'll see that that's not actually in my contract," replied Fredcat smoothly. "I came here on the strict understanding that I would enrich your life. Any mice that I catch is to be set against my spare time activity. Remember - caught mice on three successive nights about a year ago, so I know what has to be done, but there's no written contract that says I have to be hauled from a deep sleep just so you can cover up your sloppy housekeeping."

"Anyway, I need my evening meal now if you don't mind, I'm hungry." Mr. B. thought for a moment, and said more calmly, "If you're hungry why don't you catch and eat that mouse, that's what cats do isn't it?" But Fredcat wasn't going to fall for that one. "I'm a superior famous cat and I don't follow those silly rules." But Mr. B. was cute too. "Oh dear, I can't see anything in your contract with us about us feeding you either, so I guess it's stalemate."

Then there occurred a great deal of muttering from Fredcat until finally he promised that he would tackle the mouse problem, but first he needed to be fortified with something stronger than boring old dry cat biscuits. This bargaining continued for some time. Meantime the mouse had finished his scampering about the kitchen and had vanished, leaving the Grumpy One unhappy about the whole affair. Fredcat said in his most eloquent Lord Nelson tone, "Mouse? I see no mouse," and he was right. But he'd better be on his toes next time the mouse appears, Dear Reader, or else!

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