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Monday, July 31st 2006 (number 829)
Once inside Fredcat sought out his best human friend, Cathie. "What's up?" he complained, "Mr. B. is cleaning the deck outside, he never does that, though I admit it's getting a bit smelly from all this oppressive Carolinian heat and it could do with a bit of a clean. We cats like to live in clean surroundings all the time; I, for example, really, really hate it when my litter tray isn't cleaned promptly, which is why I always alert you when I've used it." "Don't we know it," said Cathie, wryly, "And the answer to your question about Mr. B.'s cleaning outbreak is because we're having guests soon and he decided that a bit of a delayed spring clean was in order. Over the next few days Mr. B.,'s going to have a good go at the screened porch so you'd better move your best round bed from there or you might find it on the way to the rubbish tip, my friend." Fredcat gaped and said, "Wow! These visitors must be important! Goodness! With all this fuss and bother, it isn't "You Know Who", is it? After all this time?" He sat up and began to groom himself. "Just getting myself ready for the grand presentation," he said, and continued industriously getting himself smartened up. "You might also spend a few moments cleaning up my feeding area as well; with missing teeth I find it more than a bit difficult eating as tidily as I used to; and that's all your fault, of course, for getting the v*t involved, else I would have more teeth for eating." "OK, OK, I'll see to your feeding area," said Cathie, crossly, "and, no, Royalty aren't stopping by - but our visitors are important, so you just be good, for a change. Why not put on your thinking cap and come up with an answer to a question posted to you from someone who knows one of your most ardent readers (Mr. JdF). Your reader wants to know if you know of a nice feline called Tomasina who apparently appeared in a film about forty years ago. That's a bit before my time of course," she said, swiftly, crossing her fingers just a wee bit, "You can read all about it in the latest Guestbook entry." "I saw that," said Fredcat, "The email was in Spanish (a language I don't fully understand) so I left it to you humans to translate for me. I originally feared that it was one of those annoying spam emails! I'm only too pleased that Mr. B. is now on top of updating the guestbook entries since he has just had his knuckles rapped for being a tad dilatory in that area. Serves him right! I need my thrice weekly diary to be read often and long." He sniffed a sniff of derision and hobbled upstairs to sleep until the area under the BBQ on the deck had dried out. A clean deck! There was some good coming from this visit after all. Friday, July 28th 2006 (number 828)
Cathie was a bit taken aback. "I don't think so," she said, slowly, "I suspect you misheard what I said. I said that we were having visitors from England in a fortnight's time, and that we would naturally treat them like royalty whilst they were here. We'll just have to move a few things around to make them comfortable." But Fredcat was not convinced, he knew that Royal visits were sometimes kept secret from all but a favoured few; Royalty didn't always appreciate being in the public eye every single moment of their lives. Fredcat ignored the tale that Cathie was telling him and became even more convinced that Royalty was heading his way. "What presents do you think they will bring me?" he mewsed aloud, licking his lips in anticipation. "I bet it's biscuits, loads of English biscuits. I love English cat biscuits! Although I quite like American cat biscuits, there's nothing like home grown food to make your mouth water." Cathie agreed, she still loved English chocolate almost as much as Mr. B. did though she always made her chocolate last a lot longer than did he, much to the latter's annoyance. Cathie looked at Fredcat and said, reprovingly, "Lookee here, me laddo, I think you've been neglecting your readers. It's time you got down to the nitty gritty of your website and answered your correspondents and stopped dreaming about your ephemeral connections to Royalty, whether they're Royalty with an uppercase R or Royalty with a lower case r. Your friend, Penelope, has sent you a mild reproof that you don't update your guestbook quickly enough - and she's right! And you have to answer Simmy, who's written to you from Australia. So forget your English biscuits and get to it, my lad and, if you're good, I'll order some best tuna for your evening meal." And, surprisingly, the Famous One did as he was told. For once. Wednesday, July 26th 2006 (number 827)
"If you were so determined to be in sunshine all the time, you should have gone to the beach, where I'm told the weather is currently more to your liking," said Cathie, a tad crossly, "You might find it a bit crowded, though! This rain will soon pass and then it'll be back to those high temperatures and dreadful high humidity again. Bring on the makeshift air conditioning! It's a good job I bought a few fans for emergencies like this." "It's the thunder and lightning I can't stand," admitted Fredcat, "I don't even want to go into the screened porch when that's happening. I went out there when it was raining heavily - and water was seeping onto the floor! I had to jump up onto the settee! It quite frightened the life out of me, and I'm glad you're nearby, Cathie, when that kind of thing happens." This admission quite touched Cathie's heart, though she wondered vaguely why Fredcat didn't get the same sense of safety from Mr. B. who, after all, was the prime feeding human in the Fredcat household. "Don't be worried about rain coming into the screened porch, Fredcat," said Mr. B., "That room is designed to allow that to happen from time to time. You just have to wait a few hours for the rain to pass and the room to dry out in the sun, and all will be well. A screened porch is a great invention! On reflection, Fredcat thought so too, but nonetheless he stayed very close to Cathie for the rest of the day. His Cathie being at home was something that he fully appreciated as she was available to give him lots of cuddly attention - and that, after eating and sleeping, was his best thing ever. Monday, July 24th 2006 (number 826)
"It's all this watching of the Tour de France - and the re-runs," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "He's been staying up late to watch it. Apparently it's been a very exciting with a very close finish this year. Thank goodness it's all over for another year." She sighed, "I was rather hoping to watch a film about Cowboys because it was National Cowboy Day on Saturday but Mr. B. wouldn't budge from the big TV and the little TV wasn't working too well, so I missed it." She sighed, and then she and Fredcat went into the bedroom and poked and prodded Mr. B. until he did wake up. "Tea, please! - and breakfast for the Mighty One," she ordered, ignoring his protests. When Mr. B. finally emerged and completed his early morning chores to the satisfaction of both Fredcat and Cathie, he remarked somewhat sourly that he thought it was time that Fredcat had a holiday all on his own; this would allow Mr. B. to enjoy some well-earned lie-ins. "I've heard that there is one feline that went on holiday for ten years," he said brightly. "Now you needn't go for that long but five years should make it a decent vacation." That didn't go down well with Cathie or Fredcat. "Five years!" yelled Cathie, "But that's a lifetime. Fredcat is only five now even after all this time with us; if he went on vacation for five years he would have to have two full lives." Cathie was a bit cross and, picking Fredcat up to smooth both his fur and his ruffled feelings, she turned to the Grumpy One, saying, "I think you'd better get out into the garden and tidy it up; we have visitors coming in a fortnight and it needs to be spick and span for when they get here. I hope you've bought some new gardening gloves as the prickles and thorns look particularly nasty at the moment; with all this rain they're head high in some places!" Fredcat agreed with her. When he walked out into the garden it was amazing how frightening those weeds were; it was OK for humans but awful for low slung creatures such as he. He considered his options and decided to go for a small sleep under the BBQ - where there were no weeds. Friday, July 21st 2006 (number 825)
"You know that if we didn't have to feed you and buy expensive cat litter so frequently, we wouldn't have to go out shopping so often and spend so much money on petrol," said Mr. B., to nobody in particular, but making absolutely sure that Fredcat heard his every word (he was nothing if not a little devious). "If we had a shiny red Ferrari I wouldn't mind driving out and about but I only have a standard family saloon and even that's getting on a bit." But Fredcat was equally cunning and pretended he hadn't heard a thing while he groomed himself and sent large amounts of ginger and white fur flying all over the kitchen floor. "Huh! I have loads of friends," replied the Famous One, "and they will all make sure I don't starve - even if you're a bit mean with goodies like ice cream." And he stomped around a bit, an exercise spoiled only by his limp which he decided to exaggerate. He brightened up only when Cathie came into the kitchen and asked him if he fancied something a little different for his midday meal. "I've decided to take Mr. B. out for a fish and chip lunch," she explained, "and I see no reason why we can't bring you back a piece of fish." She waited expectantly for a pleasant response but, to her surprise, one wasn't forthcoming. "Actually, I really want some ice cream," said Fredcat, belligerently, "Can't Mr. B. pop out the to the nearest Food Lion and pick up a carton, just for me? It's not that expensive." But Cathie didn't see it that way and thought that the Mighty One had to be taught some of the facts of shopping life. "No, my boy, you can't. We'll be having ice cream next time Mr. B. goes out shopping, but not today. You can have a spoonful of yoghurt today, and enjoy it. So there." And the Mighty One had to be satisfied with that. For a change. Wednesday, July 19th 2006 (number 824)
The humans were at that moment sat sipping their cups of tea and Mr. B. promised to check out the various (known) Fredcat sleeping places both inside and outside the Fredcat residence as soon as he'd finished reading his tea leaves. "Call him in for his evening meal," suggested Cathie, "that'll bring him in, running." "Do you think Fredcat's gone to an hotel?" asked Mr. B. hopefully, "I know there are such things as canine hotels - but feline hotels? As long as Fredcat pays personally for his keep that'll be fine with me - though if I know him he'd probably find a way to stick us with the bill." He got to his feet and duly set off on his one man search party, but came up with nothing. "Food!" he called, hopefully, "Come on in, it's too hot out here. I have some nice ice cream for you as a treat, to help you celebrate ice cream month!" But even this brought no sign of the Mighty One and finally Mr. B. gave up and reported failure to Cathie. "The promise of food didn't do the trick," he said wearily, "He's never been encouraged to be a fat cat but he has to have some sustenance, methinks." Hours later when all seemed lost, Fredcat sauntered in, limped to his feeding bowls and ate his fill. Then he walked to the door leading to the deck and waited patiently whilst the butler opened it a crack. Stepping out onto the deck Fredcat made for the shade of the BBQ and drank from the ice cold water provided earlier by the Grumpy One, and then settled himself down. He grinned happily, thinking just how clever cats were, and how silly some canines were, and promptly fell asleep in the cool of the evening, dreaming about his heroics of bygone days, and his humans none the wiser as to his earlier whereabouts. Monday, July 17th 2006 (number 823)
At last he settled down and began to dream of yesteryears and times gone by when he did what all felines do; he was the ferocious hunter keeping the neighbourhood clean of undesirable creatures. He'd forgotten just how many mice he'd persuaded not to return to the Fredcat residence over the years, but it was quite a few. "At least I was taught manners by my feline mother and that stood me in good stead when I decided to make this house my famous residence of choice," remarked Fredcat. "Some felines are not so well behaved; I know that for a fact. Such felines need to be taught a lesson in good manners - and they might get one from an unexpected source!" He smiled and loped off to find Cathie to ask her for something nice to eat. Drinks of iced water were all very well but one had to keep up one's strength, and for that he needed good honest meat. And soon Cathie was obliging him with an enormous plate of tinned salmon which made Mr. B. feel quite jealous ... Friday, July 14th 2006 (number 822)
"One of you will just have to park your car outside, then," the Famous One responded, somewhat stiffly, "I'll need to keep my vehicle in the warm and dry. I cannot tolerate cold weather, whether snow, sleet, ice or rain, and I'm sure my car will feel the same way." He looked meaningfully at Mr. B. "All I have to do is get a driving licence and then I'm off. Remember - we felines make much better drivers than do canines. We're so much smarter. The only reason I don't like Mr. B.'s car is that he drives it. Nobody I know likes being a passenger in that car of his - not even Cathie!" Cathie chuckled softly to herself; Fredcat had a point there! Fredcat continued. "I've learned to cope with a lot of things since I moved to America, you know. I've become used to the steering wheel being on the wrong side of the car, and I've got used to driving on the wrong side of the road. I'm going to get a car of my own and that way I'll be able to go out and buy my own food. I won't have to depend on mr. B.'s choices any longer. It'll be steak and salmon for me, every day!" He'd clearly been thinking about this. "Well, if it's the ability to go shopping for yourself that you're after, there are much better ways of doing that," said Cathie. "All you have to do is go back onto the Fredcat PC and search for grocery or restaurant home delivery services. I've done it a few times. It's a great way to have stuff delivered to your residence. One quick telephone call and that's it. Mr. B. will show you how it's done." But Mr. B had slipped downstairs to watch the TV coverage of the latest stage of the Tour de France. Today was Bastille Day, always a special holiday, with much celebration. Cathie thought wistfully of the crusty French bread, warm croissants and delicious French wine she'd enjoyed when she'd holidayed in France. Having a good time at the son et lumiere at Chenonceau chateau ... She came to from her reverie to see Fredcat putting the telephone down, and grinning excitedly from ginger and white whisker to ginger and white whisker. "I think I've managed to make my first purchase," he said, and shot off before Cathie could reply. It was only days later when the bill came in that the Grumpy One found out just how much said purchase cost and he immediately set to and hid the Fredcat credit card. The cheek of it! And how did a cat (albeit a famous one) obtain a credit card anyhow? Financially mysterious feline! Wednesday, July 12th 2006 (number 821)
He justified his actions, however, by telling himself that he had every right to take full advantage of the situation - something unpleasant might come along and change matters and, after all, a bird in the hand was much better than two in the bush. Fredcat thought about that for a bit and decided that he ought to get his best human friend, Cathie, to teach him about metaphors - but not right now. Indeed, right now, he had a much bigger and more urgenct problem to resolve - Mr. B. was hastily throwing out all the food from both the fridge and freezer compartments of the combined fridge/freezer in the kitchen. Items were being dumped unceremoniously into a series of black plastic bags. "Where's my breakfast?" croaked Fredcat, aghast. Mr. B. looked at him and said that all Fredcat's special foods had to quote "gone off" and there was nothing for it but to call out the repairman and then buy fresh food later. "But I'm hungry now," complained the Mighty One as he surveyed the last of his tins of special v*t food disappearing into the last of the black plastic bags. "Don't worry," said Cathie, picking the Mighty One up in her arms, "Whilst Mr. B. is fixing things up here you and I will take ourselves off to a nice hotel, as recommended by your friend, Dana, where they look after felines and where the food is always excellent. I believe that in some hotels the resident cat has become so famous that the hotel even has a secretary to respond to its feline's emails. Just like Mr. B. and I do for you when you dictate answers to your correspondents!" "I don't know if I fancy going to a hotel right now," grumbled Fredcat, "It may be OK to spend time in an hotel when one is just a tiny kitten starting out on life or just beginning to walk but I'm a famous feline and I like my home comforts, you know." Fortunately the problem was soon fixed and Mr. B. was quickly despatched to the nearest store to replenish the lost Fredcat grub and, as a treat, because of the unconscionable delay, Fredcat was give a small piece of nice fresh salmon - which he thoroughly enjoyed. "Having a broken fridge/freezer in 90 degree heat was not to be recommended," he thought as he settled down for his post-prandial nap. Monday, July 10th 2006 (number 820)
"Sorry, Fredcat," said Mr. B. when he realised what it was the the Mighty One was after. "I'm afraid that Cathie, err, had just had enough with all the sport on TV over the weekend and she's sort of, gone off in a bit of a huff to do some shopping. Never mind, you can watch the footie with me, if you like ..." But Fredcat didn't like, and said so in no uncertain terms. "On Sunday you watched the final of the men's tennis championship at Wimbledon to see the so-called Frederer Express continue on its merry way. Then there was the latest leg of the Tour de France - which goes on for at least six hours each day for over three weeks - and then you watched the final of the 2006 World Cup between Italy and France. It's no wonder that Cathie went out - she probably just wanted some peace and quiet. You might have made her feel a tad better if you'd watched this take on the World Cup final with her - it's very funny." Fredcat's sharp comments were completely lost on Mr. B. The Famous One suddenly gulped, "I hope she's coming back soon ..." He sat down and carefully watched part of a replay from the World Cup final. "I say, why is that famous footballer head-butting one of his opponents?" he asked, "I thought that only Cathie and I were allowed to do that - and only then in affection, but that bloke seems to be taking it a lot more seriously than Cathie and I do - and look, he's won a red card all to himself! That must be a terrific achievement." Mr. B. glanced at Fredcat but could see no glint of irony in the latter's eyes. He sighed. When would Cathie be home? Friday, July 7th 2006 (number 819)
Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, frowned and, leaving her work on the Fredcat PC, snapped her fingers to wake Mr. B. from his grand reverie. "Look here!" she admonished, "Fredcat doesn't want anyone to interfere with his delightful, thrice weekly diary, thank you. He doesn't need any outsider telling him what to put in it - that's what sponsors do, you know. Methinks this new idea of yours is nothing to do with benefitting the Famous One; it's all about ensuring that you get out of doing some proper work around the Fredcat residence. Fredcat needs no product placements, thank you very much!" Of course this was exactly what was in Mr. B.'s mind but he couldn't say so without being very embarrassed. He sighed as Cathie moved away from the Fredcat PC. As Fredcat had popped downstairs for a bite to eat, Mr. B. gloomily set to and addressed himself to adding the latest entries to the Fredcat Guestbook but (surprise, surprise) almost immediately started playing his latest computer game. Fredcat came back upstairs (with ne'er a claimed arthritic limp in sight, Dear Reader) wiping his famous ginger and white whiskers. "I see no reason why I have to start doing tricks just to keep advertisers and potential sponsors happy," said he, "Unless you want to help out coping with the inevitable huge increases in travelling and meeting and greeting fans. That's what will happen, you know! I'd become an "It Cat"! My loyal fans (you know who you are) would end up being ignored - and that would never do. You'd probably end up seeking Fredcat lookalikes, too, to cope with the inevitable requirement for me to make personal appearances! What are you thinking about?!" But, surprise, surprise, it appeared that the Grumpy One was way too busy playing games on the Fredcat PC to hear the Famous One's sensible objections. "Lookalikes", indeed. Wednesday, July 5th 2006 (number 818)
True to her thoughts, Cathie soon found the Mighty One. He'd found a cool resting place under the screened porch and was inaccessible to his humans. "Come on out and stay in the comfort of your famous residence," Cathie cajoled, but Fredcat stayed put. "Look! Here's a bowl full of iced water - that will help to keep you from dehydrating. You must keep cool, Fredcat," she said, but her pleas fell on deaf ears. Fredcat closed his eyes and went back to sleep. "Are you cross with us for not telling you about the fireworks display?" Cathie continued, but Fredcat ignored her and went on zzzzzing. Cathie went back inside to find that Mr. B. had sneakily slipped into the seat she'd recently vacated and was now playing a fantastic new puzzle. "Have you worked out how it's done?" she asked a little tartly, but Mr. B. shook his head. He was very confused by the puzzle and he'd hardly looked up when Cathie came into the study. Fredcat, of course, soon came crashing into his famous residence, just as Cathie's concerns were approaching the nail-biting stage. "OK, OK, where's the food, I'm all rested out, I've drunk the chilled water, so Where's. The. Food." He looked appealingly at Cathie, "Come on, I heard the Grumpy One as he came in yesterday, so I know he brought back burgers, hot dogs and apple pie. One burger, please. No salad or dressing. No bun, even! And I'll save you the trouble of heating it up, cold's just fine for me. I know I've been a bit sleepy in this hot weather but I'm awake now. I don't like surprises, so a nice burger will just hit the spot, thank you very much. Cathie sighed, and set to. Monday, July 3rd 2006 (number 817)
He continued, "I like to receive emails from a long way away - it's nice to see how humans and animals live together. Creatures can be very good at living in harmony (if you ignore the whole predator and prey thing, of course)." He smirked, remembering how he and Squire, the mischievous squirrel, had managed being around each other. "Moving on," he continued, relentlessly, "Tomorrow is Independence Day in the US and I expect a big treat from you humans. We felines, frankly, should have a fair crack at the party pickings, I think. If you're intending to have a BBQ then it's only fair that you save some of the best beefburgers you have for little moi. I understand that Texan beef is favoured by Dr. Ken so I suggest you invite him to do the cooking." Fredcat licked his lips in anticipation - he was really looking forward to celebrating his first Independence Day as an all-American cat. "I'm not sure if you're allowed to have any party food," remarked Mr. B., "You still have two days to go before your medication is finished - and you're still wheezing a bit." But Cathie, who was very good at mathematics, immediately pointed out that Fredcat would in fact have completed his course of treatment at the time the BBQ was starting and would, therefore, be able to partake in any and all BBQ activities - and not simply have an extended meal break at which he'd eat leftovers. "And while we're having our Independence Day BBQ, we'll also have a little quiz to test our knowledge of our new home," said Mr. B. "You can have a go if you like, Fredcat," he said, but he found himself talking to thin air. Fredcat had left the building. |
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