Fredcat's Diary
Yesterday was all balloons, bunting and wrapping paper as the celebrations continued. The telephone seemed never to stop ringing. It was also very hot and all Fredcat wanted to do was settle down somewhere cool and carry on sleeping with his new cushions but that was impossible with all the interruptions.
More comfort for Fredcat
Fredcat was rather surprised when he calculated his present age using his newly devised rule-of-six method. Born on October 4th 1989 he reached his last "birthdate" on August 4th 2003 when the formula computed his age as 83. In a few weeks time, on October 4th, he will be 84. His best human friend Cathie, cannot believe this result and insists there is a gross error in the formula. Apparently, according to her, Fredcat's age is suspended in time so that, like Peter Pan, Fredcat, who never ages, has an everlastingly fixed age of five!
There is clearly a mathematical inconsistency here. But logical inconsistencies have rarely bothered Fredcat or his best human friend. It is not how old you appear to be but how you feel that is important. And Fredcat feels just fine. Just see him trot towards a well filled bowl of fresh food and you will see what that means!
The day of the bithday celebrations has arrived. Even though it was not his own birthday, Fredcat has at last taken possession of two new cushions! It turned out that the pillow that Fredcat thought he was getting was, in fact, two rather nice cushions, one with his photograph on! Enough already!
Spoiled Cat Lives Here!
He rather admires the wording as well ("Spoiled Cat Lives Here") though he suspects that its emotive nature is a little excessive, but he recognises that that is the American way. He sometimes wishes that the BBC were in charge of daily newscasts so that their exquisite standards could apply in his new country. A spoiled cat is not how he really sees himself although one suspects that there is a strong element of truth in it.
There used to be a so-called rule of seven which meant that one year in a human's life somehow equated to seven years in a cat's life. But that is not the current thinking as some cats live more that twenty human years - and that would mean such cats had reached an age equivalent to some 150 years! Perhaps it might be a good idea to use a rule of six so that Fredcat could celebrate his birth on the same date every two months. My, Fredcat ponders, what a lot of tuna and beef could be consumed per year at that rate!
Every year Fredcat's subdivision holds a (street) party. All the neighbours bring a "dish to pass" as well as plenty of "bring your own" drink. Fredcat's interest in this activity is limited to concerning himself with any extra titbits of food which might come his way at the end of the party.
Party time cat
This extra food in fact usually comes from his family's efforts to cook beef on their Bar-B-Q. Unfortunately this is not always successful, and many a burnt offering has been laid at Fredcat's feet, much to his disgust. Fredcat much prefers his cooked beef to be medium rare, with plenty of juices flowing. These beef pieces should preferably be shredded to ensure that Fredcat's cerebral enjoyment of the beef is not diverted by his having to focus his attention on not choking.
Fredcat is already thinking of another party which is going to take place this coming Saturday. His best friend Cathie is apparently reaching another milestone in her life and there will be some birthday celebrations. Although this affair is not to be on the scale of the subdivision party it will, neverthless, be very enjoyable to Fredcat because he will be guaranteed some excellent "doggy bag" meat (if you, gentle reader, will excuse such a reference). Fredcat knows that his mistress would never dream of leaving him out of her birthday celebrations - full marks to her for keeping a famous cat well nourished.
Fredcat's best human friend Cathie has decided to look into her genealogical tree. To this end she has bought an interesting computer package in which she is invited to enter details of her family with dates of birth, marriage and so on. This has made Fredcat realise that he remembers little of his own beginnings.
Looking for my parents
In his notes on his early days he is at pains to point out that he came into Cathie's life via the Freshfields Animal Resue Centre, which is located in Ince Blundell. He is especially thankful to them for saving both him and Forby from despair. Cathie's work makes Fredcat wonder, however, if there is a similar genealogical way of documenting the ancestry of cats of his ilk. He would need to start by discovering if any of his direct ancestors were still alive.
Fredcat is going to suggest to Cathie that she asks around in the local Ince Blundell area to see if anyone can remember "letting go" an absolutely charming little ginger and white kitten of about four weeks of age around October 1990, and who found his way to said Rescue Centre. It would be a wonderful surprise for them to know that their little Fredcat was now such a famous cat, renowned across the globe. It would also surprise these great folk in Ince Blundell to know that one of their saved kittens had achieved such notoriety. So good for them as well!
A few days ago, Fredcat was lying in his customary place on the side table in the living room, listening to the radio when he was startled to feel drops of water around his ears. He wondered why it had started to rain indoors after all these years. Water was dripping over the table lamp and danger threatened.
Go away, rain
Quickly assessing the situation he alerted his best friend, mistress Cathie, who pointed out that it was not indoor raining but a leak in the ceiling. A quick telephone call was made and "the men" came. Fredcat, for all his famousness, is not that keen on "the men" (nor, it must be said, on any other unknown visitor) so he made his way smartly to the sanctity of the bedroom.
"The men" resolved the problem by caulking (i.e. filling/grouting) the offending pieces of the roof to halt any further water ingress. A deal of cleaning up was needed but Fredcat left that to Cathie. Rain or water in any form is anathema to our feline friend unless it is ice-cold and in a drinking bowl, or better still, in a rain puddle. So Fredcat kept his distance. Still, the quick way he alerted the humans of the dangers associated with this water ingress episode gained him a special helping of tuna - so that was good.
Fredcat likes to keep abreast of just how many visitors read about his life and follow his diary. He is pleased to see that there appears to have been a steady increase in the number of visitors - in the first seven weeks of presenting his website, he has noted that over two hundred of his fans have read about his exploits.
Double century - not out
Luckily for Fredcat, the internet is still up and running. He watched in amazement as his human friends puzzled over the latest problems of viruses affecting their computers. The naming of the viruses appears to be an art form; he thinks the latest one is called SoBigF. This follows on from SoBigA and SoBigB. Perhaps there have been some other variantions of "SoBig" called C, D and E but Fredcat is unaware of them - which is probably a good thing for him!
You have already heard how Fredcat had managed to defeat the problem of the infamous BigMop virus in his Fredcat tails about the BigMop and BigIke viruses (in The Mouse Madness.) This problem appears to be a battle between Big Business/Microsoft on the one hand, and the hacker on the other. Fredcat is content to let sleeping cats lie - he has done his bit once, now it is the turn of the fat cats to get down to it. Anyway, it is time for a kip, yes indeed!
Fredcat the Famous had a parcel delivery today from the UPS Ground Force (oh, the trials and tribulations of being famous!). UPS is a private postal service and, in common with others of their ilk, they bring the parcel to the front door, ring the doorbell, and drive off, hoping that the resident retrieves the parcel before it is spirited away by somebody else!
Parcel Post
They do this because frequently residents are not at home or take too long to answer the door (don't forget that in the USA, "Time Is Money!"). USPS (spot the change of initials, there) is the official United States Postal Service, which carries out similar work. The similarity in initials is confusing but USPS = the USA Post Office (selling stamps and doing all the things that post offices do) and UPS = United Parcel Service, Inc. (a competitor global parcel service.)
As far as Fredcat is concerned he was very keen to see what the parcel for him contained. When he managed to claw the wrappings off he found it was his new replacement pillow. Like other cats though, he took a strange delight in combing through the discarded wrapping paper to check if anything useful was still inside. Then he charged his willing human helpers to take his new gift upstairs and help him compose a note of thanks. He may be famous, but he hasn't lost his proper sense of etiquette.
Fredcat has been reliably informed that a large proportion of the men (and some of the women!) in his birth country are again changing their daily television-watching habits as a result of the start of the national premier league soccer season. In England this game is called football but in the United States of America the game of football is quite different.
Offside ref? Never!
There are apparently many variations of kicking, throwing, tossing a ball about, with and without hitting or throwing implements etc, with many and varied complicated rules to deal with. The balls themselves come in various shapes and sizes giving variation and chance to their trajectories. The playing surfaces are also different, some with extremely smooth surfaces and some with rough surfaces. Spectators watch in their tens of thousands, with major matches also watched by huge television audiences, although many minor games are played without any spectarors at all!
Fredcat is only interested in smaller objects, more to his size. These are usually small enough to eat and have a distinctive taste, like beef or prawns. They are frequently covered in juices and do not move about of their own accord. That's more like it!
After his visit to the v*t Fredcat is slowly recovering. He was prescribed all sorts of pills and lotions but he bravely decided to leave most of them in their packets. He had to endure having his lovely fur coat shaved but he is pleased to report that it is growing back as good as ever.
What every garden needs?
Today Fredcat watched well-digging on a nearby plot. Living as he does in a semi-rural area, running water is only available via a well. Sinking a well appears to take time and a vast amount of effort to find the water source, often hundreds of feet below ground level. When finished, the pump left at ground level looks a bit like those Dallas oil wells - only a lot smaller.
To cover up the unslightly pump, the builders provide a cover that "looks like a rock", but Fredcat does not know which is more unattractive, the pump or the rock! Great efforts are sometimes made to "hide" said rock (turning it into a flower ban, for example) but a rock is a rock is a rock, when all is said and done. All the "rocks" are identical so there is litle room for pandering to a cat's personal taste. "I don't go near it" says Fredcat, "I much prefer rock and roll."
Fredcat rarely goes in for any gardening activities. He leaves that to humans - and good luck to them. He has been known to scratch away at the odd piece of open ground but that appears to be a necessary reaction to an earlier activity (unsuitable for polite discussion), and thus can hardly be called gardening.
Garden or Yard?
It seems that the English language has been changed over the years on its way "over the pond". No longer does Fredcat refer to the garden as a garden. Instead it has become a yard. In England a yard is three feet - not four - and is rarely a garden, being covered with concrete. In the United States of America a garden has become known as a yard and Mr. B. wishes that a lot of his "yard" was covered in concrete as well.
As a consequence of the changing fortunes of weather patterns in Europe and the USA, the hot sun of 2002 has been largely replaced this year by huge quantities of rain which has encouraged the grass to grow to great heights. This is a great training ground for Fredcat to sharpen his hunting skills, of course, not that a famous cat like Fredcat needs to hone his talents a lot. No, sir!
Two of my best friends are moving house soon and taking on new jobs. As a much travelled cat I can appreciate the traumas of changes of this magnitude. The downside is the loss of good friends and colleagues - but on the other paw the nice part is the chance to meet new people and make new friends.
Trials of moving house
In this context, Fredcat has lost three excellent friends on the somewhat circuitous route to the United States of America. The first was Frankie - who was a little young, far too brash and noisy, and would not have handled himself well in the cat-eat-cat world outside - a feline world where the motto seems to be," If you can't keep quiet then you will pay the price!!" This may seem blunt but Fredcat can't deny that that is how it is.
Another excellent friend was Charlie; quiet, unassuming and a true undercover cat who had been brought up in one of the harsher areas of inner London. Never a leader, he surprised us all by coming instantly to Fredcat's side when danger threatened and saved the day. As for Forby, the best friend of all, you will hear more of him as the days go by.
Today we went shopping. This may sound a trite activity to most humans but to a comfort-seeking cat, shopping for essentials is important. On this occasion it was to purchase a better class of pillow. Oh the joy of a new resting place for one's head! Better than a hardback book anytime (or even some smelly old clothes).
Fredcat testing out an earlier pillow
This has been a time of relaxation for Fredcat after the trials and tribulations of the latest mission. Even famous cats have to rest and recharge their batteries afterwards. Actually, it has been noticed that Fredcat has little difficuty in this regard.
An astonishing event occurred whilst Fredcat was asleep. A lone black cat suddenly appeared nearby and was spotted watching the Fredcat residence. This is curious since there is little evidence to date of other cats living nearby. Fredcat is naturally concerned about his (cherished) privacy. He needs to be alert and check this out for the future.
Fredcat thought you might like to make the aquaintance of one of his best agents in the UK. This is agent Ginger, who bears a remarkable resemblance to Fredcat, but who, in fact, lives in the Liverpool area. Clearly there is a family likeness but Fredcat maintains that it is only he who is truly famous.
Agent Ginger ready for action
There are other agents in the Fredcat organisation but they tend to stay out of the limelight. Some, however, like Ginger, are nominated figureheads, ready to stand up and be counted when trouble comes. Like Fredcat, they have had their glorious moments.
Details of the mission are beginning to emerge. Here you see one of the automaton cats that Fredcat came across during the latest venture. It is still not clear just what these creatures were or what they were aiming to do but they were clearly intent on making alarming whirring noises.
Unknown automaton cat
These creatures suddenly change direction to the consternation of the Fredcat team and their movements start and stop almost randomly. The sounds they made were akin to the original Daleks of yesteryear. Fredcat could just imagine their shouting, "Exterminate all earthly born cats", and he does not like this at all!
The creatures seems to be composed of some kind of metal and Fredcat and his team attacked in unison until the automatons were boxed into a corner where they whirred furiously until, literally, their lights went out. These creatures remain immobile for the time being, thanks to Fredcat and his associates, but there is always the chance that they will be reactivated somehow.
The last few days have been hectic to say the least. A collective decision was taken to make a change in the way the site was presented. This shows that I can respond to comments and suggestions in this new venture of mine. And all the time I have been on duty in defence of the nation...
Fredcat deep undercover
Meanwhile, there have been some alterations in the opening page with links provided so that readers can jump to my latest diary entries!! And .... there may be other changes to come.
One other major change is that GoDaddy is now hosting the Fredcat website. (Thanks, GoDaddy, for your assistance in effecting the changeover). Such changes take time, with the final stage taking three days - and Fredcat has been on tenterhooks waiting for it all to be put into place. But success at last.
Today was tough. From time to time I have had to go undercover to carry out my missions. Sometimes it has been was relatively easy, but this time it was hard and dangerous.
Fredcat undercover
The terrain had been very rocky at first but suddenly my team were up against it and the bushes were everywhere, rough spiny spikes tearing at unprotected skin until bleeding occured. We made it, of course, but at some cost.....
On return, and after a thorough debriefing, it was necessary to submit to a physical examination. The signs were not good so a visit to the dreaded v*t was indicated in case the poisons became intolerable. There were several heart-stopping moments before a diagnosis was given and treatment prescribed, viz. pills, swabs and lotions - but (best of all) rest. No problem with the last one. In case you were worried, the mission was a complete success - did you imagine otherwise?