Wednesday, August 31st 2005 (number 610)

Birthday aftermath Large image

Fredcat was a bit peeved. None of the humans whom he employed to run the Fredcat residence for him were awake. Mr. B. was particularly dopey and refused point blank to get up despite all the prodding and mewing and face licking that Fredcat could manage. Fredcat even tried waking his best human friend, Cathie, but she simply rolled over quietly and fell back asleep.

"It's these birthday celebrations, I suppose," mewsed Fredcat, "I do declare that they did go on a bit. Even I admit to being a little bit bushed today." He sighed and trotted downstairs to see what scraps were available from last night. "There might be some useful pickings lying around that someone's forgotten all about."

But it was no use, the door to the refrigerator was closed and any dirty plates lying around were only full of half-eaten gateau. There had been a splendid slice of double fudge chocolate cake lying on a side table but Fredcat's tastes didn't extend that far. He eventually found some Cheddar cheese which was still tasty (though a tad dry).

Fredcat finally climbed upstairs to see if he could rouse Cathie - Mr. B. was clearly dead to the world. He licked her face until she stirred and sleepily looked at the alarm clock. Then she sat up bolt upright. "Oh!" she wailed, "I've got to go to work today and the alarm clock hasn't gone off. Why didn't Mr. B. wake me?"

"I expect it was that late night telephone call from England that did it," said Frecat, "Your birthday greetings kept coming in all day and all evening long and you plumb forgot all about the time in your excitement. You humans are always things like that," he added with just a hint of annoyance, "I think you should have gone shopping expedition and bought some nap time, like these guys did."

Fredcat smiled and wandered off to find a bed. He wondered if he could afford to buy some of that time, it would be well worth it! He finally fell asleep think of his famous Diary - well, today is the first ever blog day, you know ...

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Tuesday, August 30th 2005 (number 609)

Birthday celebrations! Large image

Mr. B. was trying to coach Fredcat on how to sing the Happy Birthday song but the latter was having some difficulty. "You see it's this lack of eating teeth that's the problem," he said. "Perhaps if you were to mush up my meat a bit so that I would have fewer hard bits to chew on ..." "What are you on about? What's singing Happy Birthday got to do with food?" cried Mr. B. "Come on, it goes Happy Birthday to You... Just sing!"

"Why do I have to do this?" muttered Fredcat, "it's not my birthday - that isn't until October 4th, and that's weeks away. Anyway, the point is that I can't sing because every time I open my mouth a wheezing noise comes out through the gaps in my teeth or alternatively I start an incessant purring which rather spoils the effect."

Mr. B. sighed. "As far as purring is concerned I admit that it sounds quite like a bass guitar and that is just about acceptable. But what is unacceptable is the sneezing that comes in every second bar or so. You can't go around singing Happy Sneezing to You, that's not right!" Fredcat could see that Mr. B.'s patience was wearing thin.

"How about if I do a birthday dance instead," Fredcat said at last. "You and I could do a bit of a tango around the room and that would be OK." Mr. B. considered this idea for all of half a second. "Absolutely not," he thundered, "We would end up careering into all the presents. Remember, this is the birthday of your best human friend, Cathie. She's had all sorts of gifts brought over from England, special things which she really likes. Like Cadbury's chocolate and Blue Ribands, so it's up to you now to do your best for her."

"If I can't sing or dance then may I bring in the chocolate cake with the lighted birthday candle on it?" pleaded Fredcat, "I've always wanted to waltz in with a cake balanced on one paw whilst dancing a polka. You could play an accompanying tune on the recorder, or something." More snorts from Mr. B. "No! No! I can't play recorder music and you'd better leave it to me to bring in the candle. You'd only burn your whiskers and that would never do."

He continued, "I think the best thing for you is to put on a big smile, snuggle up to Cathie and chat to her while I get her breakfast in bed as a treat." Fredcat brightened at this, "Good idea and whilst you're at it I wouldn't mind some beef sausage sandwiches for breakfast - without the bread of course. That'll do nicely." Hmmm...

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Monday, August 29th 2005 (number 608)

Catastrophic Katrina? Large image

Fredcat was worried. He had been anxiously watching the weather forecasts and looking over the shoulder of his best human friend, Cathie, as she watched the growing threat of the category 5 hurricane, Katrina, on TV as she neared the southern coast of the United States. "By all accounts," muttered Fredcat, "that is one monster hurricane. I'm very glad I'm not living in that part of the country."

"What would I do if I were living there?" he continued, "I hope that I would be taken to a place of safety as quickly as possible. I would even get over my distaste of riding in Mr. B.'s car if it would get me as far away as possible from that whirling dervish."

"I see that the roads out of New Orleans are choc-a-bloc with vehicles," said Cathie, "There are some huge traffic jams building up in that region." Fredcat shuddered, "I know I have some feline friends who both read my diary and who live in Florida; I hope they'll be alright. I'm not sure if any of my correspondents live in Louisiana but my best wishes go out to them if they do."

"What if all the cats and d*gs had to leave the area - or even worse ..." and here he gulped long and hard, "What if all my feline friends were lost! What would happen then?" He gave a mighty shudder. "Would the world then end up being populated with mechanical robot beings? Would they all be cyborgs?" I don't like that idea at all. It doesn't matter what names these cyborgs might have, even if they were named Functional Robotic Entity Designed for Calculation and Automatic Troubleshooting - I would still prefer to be surrounded by flesh and blood creatures, with the ability to think for themselves without having to rely on AA batteries."

His head dropped as he contemplated a world full of robots. "What would they eat?" he mewsed, "Would all that excellent beef be wasted?" He looked at Mr. B. "It would be a total waste of good grub if that happened, so I'd better get started on the supplies right now, hadn't I?" And Mr. B. nodded his head sagely. It wouldn't do to let the Fredcat insides starve in those circumstances ...

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Saturday, August 27th 2005 (number 607)

Kittens everywhere! Large image

Fredcat sighed contentedly. Yesterday had been wonderful. He licked his lips in memory of the chicken kebobs or kebabs (he wished someone would decide which way that word should be spelt). He could still smell the food as Mr. B. cleaned the BBQ after last night's meal.

Mr. B. took the individual sections of the BBQ apart and took them into the kitchen to clean them at the sink. He had often "discussed" this practice with Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. She had complained, "I wish you would clean that dirty BBQ so that fresh food can be cooked on nice new clean grates. I am most unhappy that fresh meat is placed on top of burnt grills, you know."

Mr. B.'s response had been equally forceful, "There's no harm in it, nobody's ever died that way, the grills are heated to a high temperature and all old BBQ food is burnt away, and anyway, the taste of BBQ's is always accentuated by the flavouring of meats from several sources - and that's all to the good." Most men will understand the second argument but Cathie's determination to avoid any form of food poisoning usually won the day - hence the reason for today's cleanup.

"And do remember to clean up the sink when you've finished," suggested Cathie. Mr. B. knew that the word suggested coming from Cathie was indicative of a subtle order but he was happy to comply. "Have you ever seen anything interesting in sinks?" asked Fredcat, as he watched the Grumpy One's labours. "Oh, yes. Look here!" laughed Mr. B.

"What about BBQs?" asked Fredcat, clearly unimpressed with the set of darlings sitting happily in the various sinks around the world. "Well today, just as I was starting out to clean the BBQ I saw a very bold squirrel leaping out from under the BBQ, said Mr. B. "That's when I decided that it would be good to give the BBQ a bit of a clean up. If the squirrel had stayed there longer we might have had BBQ'd squirrel for dinner, sometime." Fredcat blanched, "That's a bit over the top, I know we have squirrels, rabbits, deer and mice around here but let's keep this in perspective, hey? Think more about animals that produce beef - and pop some more on my plate, if you don't mind. We'll keep the exotic options for later."

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Friday, August 26th 2005 (number 606)

Barbecue time again - Hooray!! Large image

Fredcat had all but finished his breakfast by 6am but the humans (excepting the unfortunate Mr. B.) had all decided to have a lie-a-bed until late. Mr. B. had been given orders not to open the front door early on to let the Famous One out, because it squeaked.

That meant that, happily, his butlering duties had been reduced. So he had hopped it back to warmth of his bed instead of making his lonesome early morning cup of tea. "There are lots of benefits to be gained from having visitors!" thought the Grumpy One as he settled down for a further nap.

Later, at the brunch-time meal Fredcat circled the guests as they sat at the dinette table. There was pate on offer. Pate?" thought Fredcat, "How unusual - but exceedingly acceptable. I like these visitors; their choice of menu suits me just fine!" He waited patiently to be fed from the table. These visitors were the best thing that had happened to him for a long time.

"As you're going to the Durham Bulls baseball game tonight, would you like to have a mid-afternoon BBQ?" asked Fredcat's best human, friend, Cathie. Fredcat immediately jumped in, "Yes, please, I'd like some of the fillet steak, if that's on offer, and some meat from the beef kebabs, and some small pieces of tender chicken wouldn't go amiss." He was almost breathless with excitement; pate followed by BBQ beef - this was going to be a great day!

"I wasn't talking to you," frowned Cathie, "I was talking to our guests, but I can see from their smiles of approval that they are just as happy as you are to have a BBQ, so they can eat before setting off to the baseball game."

"I don't mind the BBQ but I'll skip the car drive and baseball game, thank you," nodded Fredcat, "Neither really appeals to me. I'll probably need to have a good rest after the BBQ to prepare myself for the feast that's bound to be on offer tomorrow." And, licking his long ginger whiskers in anticipation, he went for a pre-meal sleep.

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Thursday, August 25th 2005 (number 605)

Swimming? No thanks! Large image

The visitors were having bacon and eggs for breakfast and Fredcat waited patiently for the meaty table scraps. As far as meat was concerned he was not particular how he acquired it. Admittedly he had already eaten a huge double bowl of breakfast cat food and really didn't have any room left for extras but his mouth watered all the same.

"We're going swimming," the visitors announced later, "Are you coming with us, Fredcat?" Fredcat recoiled in horror. "What? Swim in water? Absolutely not! There may be felines that don't mind getting their paws wet - but not this landlubber, I can tell you. I don't even like going out when there's a fine drizzle coming down, let alone ordinary rain. As far as I'm concerned, water in the sea or in a pond is merely rain that's a bit settled - until the sun comes out and it goes up in the air again."

"You are just precious," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. "You never drink from the water dishes we put out for you inside the house, you mostly drink rainwater - which has usually been stagnant for a few days. And yet you refuse to go swimming! But I love you all the same," she said, and gave him a huge hug.

"Will you go down and help Mr. B. bring in the post?" asked Cathie, once the visitors had departed, "I'm expecting a delivery of a cordless kettle - I want to use it to boil water to make tea. I've already bought a new teapot and this will finish the job." That's easy, thought Fredcat and he escorted Mr. B. to the mailbox. "I see that not all cats like postmen," smiled Mr. B. in a rare display of warmth, "This cat Fluffy has really made his mark with postmen coming to his house. Don't you be thinking of doing the same, Fredcat!"

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Wednesday, August 24th 2005 (number 604)

Disappearing visitors Large image

Fredcat looked around for the visitors. He was sure they were still here at the Fredcat residence but, despite his high hopes, they didn't seem keen on getting his breakfast for him. "Oh well,' he mewsed, "It's back to the Grumpy One again." It didn't take him long. Mr. B.'s reflexes were so finely tuned this early in the morning that he did the necessary without even opening his eyes (seemingly). Within minutes of the Fredcat breakfast bowl landing on the kitchen floor, Mr. B. was fast asleep again.

But later there was chatting a-plenty as wedding albums were displayed and duly admired. Fredcat peered over the shoulder of his best human friend, Cathie. "Where are the photos of my feline friends Nikita and Treacle?" he demanded. But there was no reply, simply the noise of another page being quickly turned over.

"It's funny that cats can have humans living in one's residence all those years and yet they never even invite said felines to their wedding," he said, "That isn't how it actually happened you know. Not at all!" He sloped off, muttering to himself, leaving the humans to oooh and aaaah over the photos.

Our Hero went outside where the morning air was pleasantly warm. He saw a number of birds flying around and when they saw him a burst of avian alarm calls could be heard. They needn't have worried, Fredcat wasn't in the mood to chase flying creatures right now. He was reminded of a recent event when a cat had been hurt pretty badly after climbing up high to catch a nesting bird. Fredcat thought that those days had long passed him by. It wasn't that he was getting on in years (oh, no!) it was just that he was maturing nicely as time went by.

Whilst pondering, Fredcat thought that he saw his old adversary Squire the Squirrel out of the corner of his eye but that was just wishful thinking. All these old friends of his now appeared a bit out of reach. He chuckled to himself and thought of the unfriendly squirrel who had attacked a policeman. Now that was pretty stupid! He sighed and went back indoors where, to his delight, he found that the visitors had returned. Many chuck-a-chins later Fredcat was finally content and went to bed early. So did Mr. B., just in case he had to get up early again ...

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Tuesday, August 23rd 2005 (number 603)

Visitors for Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was home early from work. Mr. B. had been cleaning out the screened porch (one of the Mighty One's favourite morning sleeping places) which meant that Fredcat had had to move on to a nice blue chair elsewhere in his famous residence where he could sleep undisturbed until all cleaning activity had ceased. "Is everything ready now?" asked Mr. B., "because it seems to me that we've done and dusted everything everywhere."

"There's still the rubbish to be taken to the tip," said Cathie, and watched in mock horror as Mr. B. moved towards the Mighty One. "Not him! It's the old papers stacked in the garage which have to go to the tip." They both grinned at the joke. "There's no need to arrive early at the airport," said Cathie, changing the subject, "It takes ages for passengers to go through customs and immigration nowadays; everyone has to be finger-printed and have some sort of eye retina scan. It's all because of Homeland Security."

"Do they do that for all the so-called undocumented workers?" asked Mr. B., but Cathie don't know the answer to that one.

It was agreed that Fredcat would stay at home and act as guard cat (sleeping variety). After getting to the airport, David and Laura eventually came through the arrival door and were soon home to greet Fredcat. The Famous One soon pronounced them an instant success, based upon their excellent provision of lengthy chuck-a-chins. "That's the way to treat a cat," pronounced Fredcat, happily.

"Just a minute," he said, "I smell beefburgers on everyone - what's that about?" The humans looked guiltily at each other, they'd been so pleased to see each other again that they'd quite forgotten about Our Hero. So much so that they'd stopped off on the way home at a Wendy's restaurant where mouthwatering chunks of beefburgers were washed down with soft drinks and a large Frosty.

"Where's my beef?" demanded Fredcat, "these chuck-a-chins are all very well and good but I'm a carnivore and I need to keep my strength up in this hot weather." He certainly was a bit gruntled to say the least and marched out of the front door in high dudgeon, with tail held high. But, in typical Fredcat fashion, it all passed off later when he was presented with a fresh plate of tuna.

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Monday, August 22nd 2005 (number 602)

Scarifying tactics! Large image

Fredcat had assumed he was safe. As soon as Mr. B. went outside, wearing his working clothes, working hat a determined expression, Fredcat knew there was trouble ahead. Down the steps into the Fredcat's residential garage strode the Grumpy One and quickly drove his blue car outside.

Fredcat disliked the blue car and all it stood for. He far preferred the shiny red car which belonged to his best human friend, Cathie, because he was never "asked" to go inside there; it merely took Cathie away to work or shopping and brought her back safely at the end of the day - that was an OK car.

Mr. B. parked his blue car menacingly on the driveway and took out one of his infernal noisy machines from inside the garage. This was a strimmer (or "weedwacker" in local parlance). Mr. B. put on a pair of ear protectors and proceeded to cut everything in sight. The din was deafening and Fredcat flew to one of his safe areas under the barbecue. The weedwacker surely wouldn't go there!

He was right, but he'd reckoned without the Grumpy One's equally noisy leaf-blower and soon he was scampering down the steps to find a second safe haven as Mr. B. advanced upon his previously safe spot. "This is ridiculous," he exclaimed, "I'm so important, yet you humans are treating me very poorly indeed - disrespectfully, even! Look at this - it's a penguin that's been promoted to be Colonel Lord High Pooh Bah Of Everything in the Norwegian Army yet I can't even get a bit of peace in my own residence. This penguin even has his own slideshow! And, to add insult to injury, there's no sign of an answer to my letter in which I proposed that I be adopted as the Official State Feline. I ask you!"

"Perhaps it's been lost in the post," said Cathie, "we're having problems at my work place with our mail but I think that has something to do with the fact that no one thought to order a mailbox for our new offices - but what do I know?" "Whatever's happened to all your mail, then?" asked Fredcat, but Cathie was unable to give a clear answer and simply shrugged her shoulders. "It'll all come right in the end," she said. "Mr. B. has stopped making that din now so you can go back to sleep. We have visitors arriving today so you'd better get your zzzzzzzzzz's in now!"

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Saturday, August 20th 2005 (number 601)

Memory cat! Large image

The 2005 World Memory championships were over and a new champion had emerged. Fredcat smiled silently to himself and wondered what all the fuss was about. "Why would anyone try to memorise a pack of cards after they have been shuffled?" he asked his best human friend, Cathie. "Surely they're just the same after shuffling as they were beforehand?"

"You totally miss the point," said a smiling Cathie, "the contestants have to remember the order of the new pack - precisely. Anyone can remember a pack of cards (seemingly) but once the pack has been shuffled it becomes a huge task. These contestants can even memorise the order of several packs of shuffled cards! These folks are amazing."

Fredcat remained unimpressed. He knew every nook and cranny of the Fredcat residence and nothing, but nothing, escaped his eagle eye (or his other senses) - ever! He knew which leaves of grass were the best to chew on when he wanted to eat outside his famous residence. He knew exactly when to meow his wake up call to Mr. B. - too early and the Grumpy One would turn over in his sleep and doze on. Too late and his humans would start rushing around and Fredcat's breakfast would take a back seat during the early morning preparations to get Cathie off to work. Yes, timing was essential and Fredcat's memory clock never let him down.

"I think your logic is rather skewed," remarked Mr. B. "These tests are very difficult feats, they're equal to anything you can come up with, Fredcat." Our Hero bristled, "Oh really! Then you know little of a feline's logical processes,methinks. I'll have you know that there are many, many things that cats do almost automatically that would shame you humans. Try to emulate that list and see for yourself!" And off he stalked, in high dudgeon.

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Friday, August 19th 2005 (number 600)

Keeping clear of canines! Large image

Fredcat smiled proudly to himself. He looked at his diary for today and saw that he had chalked up his 600th diary entry. 600! "Wow! That's a lot more than nine, isn't it?" he said, proudly. "You're telling me," said Mr. B., as he examined his fingers (he was sure that they were half an inch shorter than when he'd had started taking Fredcat's dictation over two years ago).

It's all about me - and some other cats as well," Fredcat added quickly, in case Mr. B. started to be pedantic again. "You have had the occasional d*g guest appearance," remarked Mr. B., "and a rabbit and some odd inanimate objects as well, on your pages." But Fredcat was not to be outshone by this and, smoothing his ginger and white fur, he opined, "Yes, but really it's all about me, isn't it?" He looked around in triumph. He was about to burst into song, rather like the equally famous Winnie the Pooh but decided against it as Mr. B. was frowning quite a lot.

"OK, I do have some d*gs who like me, I suppose," he said, "For example, Henry and Chance said they were my friends but they really wanted to take advantage of my innocence by offering to make me a citizen of the US if I would send them two d*g biscuits ... Huh! Who do they think I am! No way will I fall for that one."

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, chipped in. "When I was out shopping with Mr. B. today I saw a small d*g wearing a coat - his front paws were in sleeves! I have no idea how his humans managed to get him into it but, considering the heat of the day, the poor creature must have been baking." "I've heard of that sort of thing," said Fredcat inhis offhand manner, "Putting blankets on horses who have to forage out in the cold is one thing but making felines and canines wear woollies is not on, in my opinion. I suppose the poor animal has to wait until the human unzips him or her. How awful if you get too hot, like me."

"I read a heartwarming story about a poor starving d*g," said Cathie. "The poor creature had been abandoned and followed some hikers for ages, it was so tired - but very d*gged - if you'll you pardon the pun. The humans were so touched that they brought the mutt back to the UK (spending a small fortune in the process). What a lucky d*g!"

"This is all too much," said Fredcat, this diary is supposed to be about me and all I've heard about are d*gs. Hmmm... But I'm magnanimous enough to know that there's a place for all four-legged creatures and I say a very good day to all those d*gs who are fortunate enough to have best human friends who will read my exploits to them. Now all this canine talk has fair worn me out - I'm off to have a little lie down."

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Thursday, August 18th 2005 (number 599)

Computer security-minded Fredcat Large image

Fredcat and Mr. B. sat side by side at the desk. Well, actually Mr. B. was sitting on the computer chair while Fredcat was perched on the desk, blocking the monitor from an exasperated Grumpy One. "It would help if I could see the screen," the latter grunted, "It looks as if there's some more bad goings-on over the intawebs, I do wish these computer worms would go away."

They both stared intently as a warning message appeared on the screen. "Look out you're about to be devoured," read Mr. B., with a straight face, and Fredcat gulped. "That's not what it said," he meowed, "Don't frighten me like that," I have enough going on without you scaring me unnecessarily. Look! An email message has arrived." He was right - Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was emailing from work to say that her computer network was being being taken down shortly because of the worm.

"Does that mean that Cathie will come home earlier?" asked Fredcat, hopefully, "I much prefer it when she's at home ..." Here he trailed off, suddenly aware of his slight gaffe. "It's not as if you don't feed me," he said lamely, "but you don't talk to me much, Mr. B., you hardly ever make jokes and you never ever chuck me under the chin like Cathie does."

"Well, that's a blessing for both of us, then," quipped Mr. B. "Now let me see, I have to follow these security instructions and make sure the software patch is installed and then all will be right. I hope!" he added, touching wood.

"And you can forget about an early Cathie return to the Fredcat residence, my friend," he continued, "there's always plenty of things to do at Cathie's workplace - even without her having access to a computer." The Famous One's face fell. "Well, can I come and help you with the gardening then?" he asked, "or bring in our letters from the mailbox - or maybe help with food preparation?" Fredcat's eyes soon took on the familiar gleam. "Um, let's forget about the weeding and letters, and let's concentrate on sorting out my dirty food dishes. A good clean dish is needed, it seems to me - brim full of good fresh meat. Yup!" So the pair did just that.

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Wednesday, August 17th 2005 (number 598)

Relatives for Fredcat? Large image

Mr. B. was on the telephone a l-o-n-g time, calling relatives in the UK. In particular he was speaking to Duncon, his son's father-in-law. Chat, chat, chat, went the conversation and Fredcat frowned. He desperately wanted to butt in and ask a very important question of Mr. B. but all his effort's to gain the latter's attention came to naught.

At last the telephone was put down and Mr. B. turned crossly to Fredcat. "I don't often get a chance to talk to Duncon, Fredcat" he said, "It's very rude to interrupt someone when they are on the 'phone, it makes it very difficult to carry on a conversation when a mangy feline is constantly prowling around one's feet, meowing loudly and then jumping up onto the desk and generally getting in the way."

"Just a minute! Whose residence do you think this is?" demanded Fredcat, indignantly, "It's my famous famosity that keeps this place ticking over - without me you'd be in a very poor state, I can tell you. Now, what I want to know consists of three things, "What is a relative and why haven't I got one of my own?"

"That's only two things," said Mr. B., with a touch of pedantry (which was his wont). "First, your relatives are all those siblings to whom your mother gave birth. Have you forgotten all those? Plus all the siblings of your parents and their parents and so on. You must have thousands of relatives by now - good job they're not all here!" At this point Mr. B. gave a huge shudder.

He continued, "Cathie did try to discover who your relatives were by writing to the cat shelter people but they've had so many felines and canines pass through their hands that they have no real idea who you were." Mr. B. gave a soft sigh, "There's a recent entry in your Guestbook which makes mention of Cathie's search, but I'm afraid it doesn't help much. Cathie even tried searching on the intawebs but that produced no helpful results either."

"Now, what about this third question, Fredcat?" he said, but too late, he realised his error. The gleam in Fredcat's eyes told him the worst. "There's precious little grub left in my feeding bowl and as you've finished talking to your relatives, don't you think it's time ...?" Mr. B. sighed a third time, it seemed as if Fredcat had won again.

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Tuesday, August 16th 2005 (number 597)

Manufactured beef? Large image

"That needs a good cleaning, for a start," ordered Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. "I'm not having visitors coming over and seeing that dirty thing over there. Please go and get it cleaned right away. It looks right flea-bitten."

Fredcat stared in horror at Cathie. She was pointing directly at him and Mr. B. was advancing quickly. But even as she spoke the Fredcat sixth sense was on full alert and he leapt to all four of his feet and in one swift movement had skedaddled under the dinette table, safe for the time being from the clutching hands of the Grumpy One.

Mr. B.'s hands swooped low and pulled up the round rug inches from Fredcat's trembling whiskers and hauled it away. "If you can't get it cleaned in time then I'm sure it would benefit from a good brushing," Cathie suggested.

"Good idea," said Mr. B., "I'll do that when the ironing's been put away and I've had a chance to catch my breath. It's extremely tiring doing ironing, you know, sometimes I feel as if I've been doing extreme ironing."

Cathie had moved to the dining room. She ran her hand over the dining table and commented, "You know, this dining suite is holding up very well, considering its age - I'm sure that a good polish will make it come up shining. It's certainly a lot better than eating off a dining table made of Fedex boxes. Although the latter is very original, I must say!"

Fredcat stayed quietly under the dinette table. He could see his newest medication on top of the kitchen shelf. Kindhearted Cathie had earlier taken it from the refrigerator and left it there to warm up a bit so that its administration would be less of a shock to the Fredcat palate.

"Frankly I'd rather have a long lie down, than be polishing furniture," Fredcat opined to no one in particular, but he'd had momentarily forgotten the whereabouts of Grumpy One - who swooped unexpectedly and grabbed the ginger and white feline and was now escorting him to the less than welcome arms of Cathie.

Gulp went the Fredcat throat, fearing the worst, and then more realistically gulp as the pinky goo flowed downwards. "Gotcha," said Cathie, smiling kindly at him, "But never mind, it's all in a good cause. Off you go and enjoy your meal - it's a treat of special beef. It's very good today and I'm sure you'll enjoy it. I bet you it's better than that beef that's been developed in a laboratory. That doesn't appeal to me at all."

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Monday, August 15th 2005 (number 596)

Medically fit again, more or less! Large image

The telephone rang mid-morning - it was the v*t. "Crumbs," thought Fredcat, "That's so quick it must be bad news, I only had my blood sample taken yesterday," and he crept under the bed and waited, trembling. But his best human friend, Cathie, soon bounced into the room, all smiles. "Come on Fredcat, get out from under there, it's good news! Your blood work has been tested already and you're pronounced fit and well; you're probably fitter and weller than I am!" she said, somewhat ungrammatically.

"You still have to take the Amoxycillin antibiotics; it seems that it's the one medication that really works for you and stops those sneezing fits. We have to take you back to the v*t's office in six weeks time to check whether your 10 oz weight loss is a temporary thing caused by your being dehydrated or whether it's indicative of something else. The lab reports say that you're really fine in yourself."

"That's comforting to know officially, but then I've never doubted it," replied Fredcat, in his usual confident tone. "Tell me, I've never really understood it when someone recites a catalogue of medical woe and then adds but I'm fine in myself. Is that a state of health that humans enjoy when they're ill but trying to be stoical? I thought that was a peculiarly British trait - but I hear people in the US saying the same thing." Cathie shook her head, "It would be far too difficult to explain it to you, dear heart," she replied." Now let's give you today's dose of pinky goo."

Despite the unpleasant medicine, Fredcat was in a very good mood, "Do you know that a human is trying to make August 15th the official Cat Day? In my humble opinion there are far too may Days going the rounds as it is, but a Cat Day has a great deal of merit. Of course every day for me is a Cat Day so that won't alter things much around here. I'll ask Mr. B. to write to his Senator on my behalf affirming my support for this suggestion."

Fredcat broke off here and whispered in Cathie's ear, and she nodded. Cathie composed her thoughts for a moment and then said, "Fredcat would like me to tell his faithful and constant readership of his grateful thanks to all those people who sent him messages of congratulations and support. He will be responding shortly to all of you, just as soon as he can get Mr. B. to stop watching those boring sports programmes on TV and take down Fredcat's dictation." Fredcat smiled, satisfied. He'd been so concerned that people might have been considering his lack of a reply rude ...

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Saturday, August 13th 2005 (number 595)

Thoroughly vexated Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat looked aghast as his best human friend, Cathie, advanced towards him. "Don't you realise that it's Smile Week, Fredcat? There are still a couple of days to go of it. Cheer up, and smile, my friend!" The Famous One refused to be budged, however, saying, "Hands off there, Cathie, I know what you're about - you're taking me to the v*t's office - and without a single joke passing your lips!"

"Yup," agreed Cathie, "I'm sorry, my friend, but you have to go. I've made the appointment and it's time. Mandatory rabies shots, and all that." And it must be said that Fredcat was unusually quiet on the way there - his record 100 meows in two and half miles remained intact - a miserable dozen shouts was all he could muster this time.

At the v*t's office Dr H. was kindness personified, as always. His nurse had already weighed the Famous One - and he was professionally evaluated as being 10 ounces short of his previously famously perfect weight. 10 ounces! "Could this be the result of the Famous One's being dehydrated?" asked Cathie, anxiously, "It's been ever so hot recently, and he will insist on laying out on the screened porch, you know ..."

Shots for rabies, distemper and feline leukaemia were duly administered. The v*t and Cathie discussed solutions to the loss of weight problem while yet another dose of Amoxycillin antibiotics as the Fredcat sneezing had started up again (with a vengeance).

"Oh, dear," said Cathie, "I suppose that the weight loss means another series of blood tests." "'Fraid so, said the wondrous Dr H, "we can't have the Famous One going down the tubes just yet. We'll have the results early next week."

"Ummm, let me see," said Cathie, rummaging in her rucksack for her credit card, "I don't suppose we can have a discount for someone's internationally famous famosity, can we? No? Ah well, never mind, here's the credit card anyway." "Blip," went the Cathie throat, echoed in short order by the credit card reader.

"Never mind, hey, Fredcat," said Cathie as the trio sped homewards. Fredcat kept still. Not a single meow passed his lips - he knew that he was homeward bound. Poor Fredcat ...

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Friday, August 12th 2005 (number 594)

Scrabbletastic Fredcat! Large image

Mr. B. was looking forward to the weekend. He enjoyed weekends because Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was home and she and Fredcat could amuse each other all day long - in between Fredcat's multitudinous lengthy sleeps, that is.... The weekend was when the big TV downstairs constantly shows one sporting event after another and when Mr. B. settles down to be a total couch potato. He was in his element!

During one of Fredcat's waking spells the Famous One asked Cathie why Mr. B. was so interested in sport, "It's not as if he's any good at any of it," he noted, "just look at him!" And Cathie had to agree. She tried to come to the Grumpy One's defence by saying that she thought he had been a bit sporty in his youth but when pressed was unable to come up with any tangible proof. "I think he just lives in a world of sporting make-believe - like all men." Here she chuckled and Fredcat agreed with a nod of his ginger and white head.

"Look at this soccer cat," said Fredcat, "He is very cool. There's more life in him than in any couch potato. And I wouldn't mind a game of Scrabble with him, that would suit me fine. A nice sit-down pastime. As you know, I'm very good with words and I'm sure I'd do well - although I'm not so good at keeping score because of that whole counting-past-nine thing. If I just could sort that out I just know that I'd qualify for the National Scrabble Championship." He shook his head sadly, for his inability to count past nine often irritated him but he was thankful that he still had plenty of his feline nine lives left.

"Well, I think it's time you went on a holiday," said Cathie, "I think you should be able to get a free vacation - if teddy bears can get free holidays then an internationally-famous cat such as you should certainly get one, no?"

But she received no response because the Famous One was fast asleep. Again.

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Thursday, August 11th 2005 (number 593)

Strawberry milk-flavoured fish sausages! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had been shopping. On her return Fredcat had unwound himself from his favourite bed on the table in the screened porch and had zoomed into the kitchen where the unpacking was taking place. Fredcat liked it when Cathie returned from a shopping expedition simply because she brought home new and exciting things to eat, instead of the usual boring stuff that Mr. B. was wont to buy.

Fredcat came straight to the point, "What have you bought me?" he demanded. He was not even remotely tactful, nor particularly polite. "You need to be taught some manners," snapped Cathie, "If you just wait a while until these bags are unpacked and put away you'll see soon enough." But as it happened even Fredcat's unusual rudeness couldn't dampen her spirits. "See here - I've bought these fine coasters," she announced at last, taking them out of the wrapping paper.

"Coasters!" exclaimed Fredcat, "I can't eat coasters! They're of no use to me! I need proper food, new stuff to try out, even a new packet of biscuits would be a help."

"These aren't for you," said Cathie, "they're for my new office. Visitors need some place to put their coffee cups down on my desk so as not to spoil the polished surface, and these coasters will be just the thing. And watch this, Fredcat!" She moved to the Fredcat PC and quickly printed off four pictures of the Mighty One which she then proceeded to cut into shape and place in the centre of each coaster. "Look!" she said, "Coasters - with added Fredcat goodness! I'll have a reminder of you whilst I'm at work! What do you think?"

Mr. B. was very impressed. "They look very original, and will be a great talking point, as well as being practical" he opined. Fredcat, on the other hand, was torn. He was (of course) pleased that his image would be decorating the coasters in Cathie's office but said coasters didn't begin to address the problem of the empty Fredcat innards.

"Lovely," he said, unconvincingly, "but I was thinking more of right now, like anything I could consume now, like immediately." He had clearly not learned anything from Cathie's earlier comment about manners.

"Do you know," Cathie responded, with a sly smile, "there's some nice sausages coming on the market soon. Just right for us all." Fredcat's ears pricked up and he was all agog.

"Yup," Cathie continued, "these are strawberry milk-flavoured fish sausages, they're expected to be very popular. Here's a sample - would you like to try one, Fredcat?" But the Mighty One thought better of it. He liked BBQ sausages, but strawberry milk-flavoured fish tasting ones?! "No, thank you. I'll wait until they go back to making proper pork and beef sausages," he said, gloomily, and wandered off in the direction of his feeding bowl. Poor Fredcat ....

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Wednesday, August 10th 2005 (number 592)

Sleeping Fredcat Large image

"We've had some really nice days recently," remarked Fredcat, "and the sky has been a lovely shade of blue all week. This is seventh heaven for me. I'm so pleased that you've recognised that I like to sleep up high - putting my favourite cat bed on the table in the screened porch was a stroke a genius! I am so content." Fredcat yawned and settled down for another between-naps nap.

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, looked around nervously. It had been her idea (a) to allow Fredcat to sleep on the table in the first place, and (b) to place Fredcat's best bed there as well. She was getting anxious because Mr. B. had indicated, in no uncertain terms, that this had to stop. "We are expecting house guests in two weeks and what they will think of us with cats not only sitting at the table but, in effect, sleeping on it around the clock? Unthinkable!" he had growled. He would not listen to Cathie's remonstrating that the Famous One was sleeping on a little used casual table - a table was a table, in his opinion.

When Mr. B. emerged from listening to the broadcast of his favorite team's soccer match on the intawebs (they lost) he was not in a happy mood and he was clearly looking for trouble. Fredcat saw him, divined his manner and quickly decided upon a diversion. "Why is the sky blue?" he asked, "Why are my eyes a wonderful shade of yellow and why is my colouring a majestic combination of orange and white (unlike any other creature on earth - who is or who has ever been)? Why exactly is that?"

Now Mr. B. considered himself a real macho male human and when someone asks him a question he always endeavours to reply. Not for him the standard response of, "Go ask your mother", or in Fredcat's case, "Go ask your best human friend, Cathie." He hates not to know something and hates it even worse when Cathie knows something that he doesn't. He hates it even more when both he and Cathie know the answer to something but she comes out with the answer and says it first because she thinks and speaks more quickly than he. (A poor mixed up Grumpy One indeed).

Fredcat watched as emotions surged across the Grumpy One's face. "I'll go look it up on the intawebs," he muttered at last, and left the room. Fredcat smiled to himself and settled himself down again. He had used this tactic five times already and Mr. B. still hadn't cottoned on. All he had to do now was think of another awkward question for tomorrow. But that could wait. Today, right now, it was sleep time again. On the table.

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Tuesday, August 9th 2005 (number 591)

Computer-opinionated Fredcat! Large image

"Sometimes I get really bored," said Fredcat. "No matter what the day outside looks like these feelings of lethargy and ennui come creeping over me and I feel quite low. Does anyone else feel like this?" He looked around but the humans weren't listening. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was sitting at her desk gazing vacantly into her PC screen, eyes almost unblinking. Fredcat looked closer and saw that her screen monitor was blank. Before he could say anything though, Cathie spoke, "Yes, Fredcat, I heard you, but like you I am just a bit down today as well. After all the excitement of moving offices we are all back to doing actual work-work and not moving things from A to B. It just doesn't seem the same, you know."

"And then I come home and discover that for a joke someone had placed a humorous error message on my PC and I sat there for ten minutes thinking that my computer had finally died on me. I then tried to convert your name, "Fredcat", to hex - but all I got, unsurprisingly, was a load of stuff that's really difficult to pronounce. I don't think I can call you "46 72 65 64 63 61 74", can I?" She sighed. "I need a little game to play which doesn't tax my brain."

Mr. B. came in and said, "I have a couple of trivial games which you can play but you're not allowed to play them at work so they will stay on Fredcat's PC. The first game is to try to train kittens to sit and walk whenever the leader kitten does so. You have to be pretty smart to keep up and you need to stay alert as the leader keeps changing."

"Training cats?! Ha! That's never going to happen!" said Fredcat, "What's the other one?"

Ah, ha," said Mr. B., "All you have to do here is click the green and white circles and if you're good you'll soon rise through the ranks."

What was your score?" asked Fredcat. "Well, I was tired at the time," said Mr. B., "But I bet I'll do better next time," and he left with his shoulders just a little slumped. He had in fact been told at the end of the game that his manual dexterity left a lot to be desired and his score was in fact extremely poor, but he wasn't going to let Fredcat know that! Dear me, no!

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Monday, August 8th 2005 (number 590)

Neglected Fredcat? Large image

"Are you now completely finished with all this moving stuff?" complained a decidedly exasperated Fredcat as he surveyed the return of the humans late on Sunday. "A lot of folk stay at home on Sundays to be with their loved ones - and their cats," he sniffed. He was very annoyed.

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, sighed tiredly and said, "Yes, my favourite kittening cat, I've finished doing all the packing, unpacking, sorting and re-arranging and my new office is now ready for my return to work on Monday morning."

"Are you allowed to sleep at work?" enquired Fredcat. "I wouldn't be able to get through a whole day without a brief kip for an hour or three mid-morning. I probably would need a similar small sleep over lunch as well as one during the afternoon. Work makes me very tired, you know."

"No chance of that." retorted Cathie, "Folks go to work at our cancer centre to help make their patients better or at least give them an improved quality of life. One doesn't go to work just to sleep! That would never do."

"Someone must have been half asleep at work when they packed this brush trimmer and sent it off in the mail," said Fredcat. "When the package arrived at the other end they found a number of kittens who survived the journey. I think they've been adopted. He pawsed, "They probably slept the whole journey!" he chuckled.

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Saturday, August 6th 2005 (number 589)

Enjoying the summer Large image

Mr. B. and Fredcat took one of their strolls together down to the mailbox. Mr. B.'s pace was slow and careful which suited the Mighty One as he was able to check out the large Fredcat scratching tree on the left hand side of the driveway. Finally Fredcat looked admiringly at his painted name stone and thought that it was great to be living in North Carolina in the height of summer. He thoroughly enjoyed basking in the lovely warm weather.

Fredcat enquired about the items in the mail. "A lot of it is catalogues selling items to be ordered for Christmas," remarked Mr. B. "I usually give all those to your best human friend, Cathie," he added. "They're almost always addressed to her anyway and she knows what to do with them."

"You mean she just dumps them in the trash," said Fredcat, astutely. They grinned together in a rare moment of male bonding.

"Exactly what's in these catalogues?" asked Fredcat, "Are they simply ideas for gifts from one human to another? They're never addressed to me or to any feline of my acquaintance, I know that." But Mr. B. surprised Fredcat by saying, "Dear me, no, there are lots of good ideas for gifts for felines. As you four legged lifeforms usually have no bank accounts of your own it's left to we human supporters to make essential purchases and sort out present giving for you and your friends."

"Give me an idea as to what's available," said Fredcat, and settled down to be enlightened. "To start with there's a gate to prevent your entering parts of the Fredcat residence." That got short shift from Fredcat. "Nothing down for that," he cried, "Nothing and nobody keeps cats away from all areas of their residence - and anyway, that gate is more pertinent for d*gs than cats. One leap and I'd be over the top of it in a minute."

"What about that fountain?" he continued, "That looks very good. I love rainwater, it's much better than all the distilled stuff you go to great trouble to give me. A running water fountain inside the Fredcat residence would be really great." Mr. B. looked at Fredcat and thought of all the hundreds and thousands of times the former had changed the contents of the latter's water bowl over the years and was inclined to agree. An automatic turn on and off of water would have Fredcat leaping into and out of the fountain as if he were a small child using an automatic sprinkler in the garden in summer time. "We'll see," was all he said, which meant that there'd be no chance, thought Fredcat wryly.

"And then there's always the catscram" said Mr. B., grinning, "To keep you off kitchen table tops."

"But I never go there anyway," said Fredcat, "Although I know some felines who are not so well behaved. Ah well, Christmas was still a long time off, so Fredcat decided to get on and enjoy the summer sunshine while the weather remained good and concern himself with Christmas later.

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Friday, August 5th 2005 (number 588)

Duplicate Fredcat? No Thanks! Large image

Fredcat looked at the report and couldn't believe his eyes. The cloning scientists were at it again. This time they had successfully cloned a d*g. "That poor mutt," said the Famous One, "That's so unfair, whenever the clone does something amiss he or she will blame it on the original mutt. Hmmm... Now wait a minute ... that could be quite useful!"

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, arrived back from the dentists and Fredcat rushed to tell her of his latest set of thoughts, but the Grumpy one shooed him aside and told him to wait a while until Cathie's head was a little clearer.

When she seemed to be OK, Fredcat asked her if she thought a duplicate version of the Mighty One (i.e. him) would be a useful acquisition to the Fredcat household. Cathie's eyes lit up. "Perfect," she enthused,. "What a lovely idea, two Fredcats! When one is sleeping, the other can keep me company. I know that Mr. B. has no great desire to have an addition to the Fredcat household but a duplicate Fredcat! Now that would be just the thing." She peered closely at Fredcat and said, "The clone might even have your famous "sergeant stripes", if it all works out well."

"Mr. B. wouldn't be able to get rid of the clone - because he wouldn't know which Fredcat was which! What a great idea!" She hugged Fredcat and they laid their plans carefully. "Hmmm.. you know I think we perhaps ought to warn the Grumpy One what we're planning," said Fredcat at last, "he may have a way out of this situation. Suppose he came in one day and saw two identical cats. He wouldn't know which was which but he might end up saying that as there is no difference between the two cats it didn't matter which one he sold off." Gulp, went his little throat, "Suppose he chose me instead of the clone to dispose of ...."

"Don't you worry, I wouldn't ever let that happen," promised Cathie, "you're my only true five year old kitten." Fredcat frowned. "How old would the clone be?" he said, gently. "Does the new cloned cat start off as a very tiny kitten, or a five year old cat? And if the former, who would the mother be? She'd have to give all the essential early feedings? Who would teach the clone all the things all cats need to know, like hunting skills, proper fighting technique and importantly, how to catch mice? I would be far too busy being famous to do it myself. Perhaps, you Cathie?" But those issues stumped both Cathie and Fredcat.

When Mr. B, came downstairs, fresh from stacking cats on the Fredcat computer, he saw the duo both scratching their heads. When they explained their problem he solved it at once. "That's what men do," he chuckled, "we don't commiserate and sympathise, we just get on with solving the problem, and then we get onto the next one." He smiled his infamous superior smile.

"How is it to be resolved then?" asked Fredcat.

"Simple!" said Mr. B., "I've just being going through our finances and there's barely enough money around to feed one cat, let alone two. So, Oh Mighty One! Is it to be you or the clone that we keep?" "Come to think of it," said Fredcat quickly, "I'm feeling a bit peckish right now." Being a male cat he could see that the writing was on the wall with this particular venture, "I'll stick to being a single, but replete, famous feline after all."

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Thursday, August 4th 2005 (number 587)

Neglected Fredcat! Large image

The humans had vanished. Fredcat knew very well that his best human friend, Cathie, was at work but even she had left earlier than usual. But the Grumpy One had also been away from the Fredcat residence for lengthy periods throughout the day and this was not acceptable. "I don't appreciate being left here on my lonesome, I need an appreciative audience, I'm upset" he grumbled to no one in particular.

When Cathie finally telephoned to say she was going to be home at least an hour later than usual, Fredcat was not best pleased. He was miffed. "What kept you?" he whinged as she walked in, hours late. "Mr. B. follows a strict pattern of feeding me based upon your homecoming, y'know. An hour's delay by you puts my meals back by the same amount of time."

"Sorry, Fredcat," said Cathie wearily, "We're going through a big upheaval at work - we're in the process of moving offices into a new building and and that means an awful lot of extra activity for all concerned. Do you remember when we left England and we had to do all that packing and parcelling? Well the same thing is happening here. Everyone in the whole building has had to decide what to take and what to leave behind - and that means a lot of heart-searching in some cases."

"What's the new office like?" asked Fredcat, "Is it better or worse than the old one?" Cathie brightened immediately, "It's a super place, with lots and lots of modern equipment, designed to treat cancer patients. The inside of the building has to be seen to be believed. It has state of the art EVERYTHING!!!" She sighed, "I shall miss the old place but progress calls - and (for once!) I'm really looking forward to going to work on Monday morning!"

"What? Are you off to work again?" whined Fredcat, as she headed towards the garage.

"Sorry, my chickie, but I still have a dozen and one things to sort out, and I have to go. I'm just glad that I don't have all the hassle that my boss has had - he's the one who had to organise everything! He must be exhausted! Don't worry, my Famous Friend, I'll make it up to you soon. See you later!". And - just like that - she was gone again.

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Wednesday, August 3rd 2005 (number 586)

Definitely NOT a dull Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat had been watching Mr. B. for a quite a while as the latter went about his daily routine. "Don't you get fed up doing the same old things day after day," the Famous Feline suddenly asked, his yellow eyes wide open in a genuine attempt to be friendly (for a change). "Indeed I do," said the Grumpy One, "But one just has to get on with it. If I don't do the work, who will?" He stopped and added, "I'm going to make myself my mid-morning cup of tea. Can I get you a saucer of milk?"

"It must take a peculiar kind of mentality to do housework," said Fredcat, ungraciously (thereby alienating all the housewives in the world at a stroke). "You must be a very dull man to do that sort of mundane stuff."

"Hey! Hold on Fredcat, being a housewife isn't all that bad," exclaimed Mr. B. "It's just dull work that has to be done. Anyway I'm a houseperson, if you must know, I only do this because your best human friend, Cathie, goes out to work very early in the morning, leaving the dirty dishes for me." At this Fredcat scoffed, "All you do is pile dirty dishes in the dishwasher; the only hard part is taking out clean, dry dishes and placing them back in the cupboards an hour or so later. Piece of cake! There's absolutely nothing to it!"

Later, when Cathie returned home, Mr. B. voiced his complaints but these were, as usual, brushed aside. "Look, he's only five years old," she said, "you must make allowances." She smiled smugly, as if that solved everything. But her attutude only made Mr. B. more determined. "He is NOT five, he is much older," he glared. "Look, if he were five before he came to the US, and he's has been here five years now, doesn't that prove that he's older that five now?" He sat back with a smug smile. Logic was prevailing, something that Cathie knew little about!

"Oh, dear me no," replied Cathie, coolly, "I thought I'd already explained that in yesterday's diary entry. Look, about the concept of time, haven't you ever looked at a clock or a calendar? What happens when the hour hand reaches twelve? It re-sets itself back to zero and starts all over again. The same process applies to the calendar, at the end of the month it becomes the first of a new month. When Fredcat reaches his birthday the age calendar simply re-sets itself back to five. Every woman in the world knows you just don't go from age 29 to 30, or from age 39 to 40 in a single year! That's stupid! There's an indefinable elasticity about these things that you men can't understand."

"Now if you want to amuse yourself for a change and be less boring, try this string puzzle: it will take your mind off mundane matters. Meanwhile, I'm going to wind down with Fredcat; like me, he's had a trying day." Mr. B. sighed heavily, and gave up.

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Tuesday, August 2nd 2005 (number 585)

Permanently five feline! Large image

After the excitement of his fifth anniversary as a famous American immigrant feline yesterday, Fredcat was in a more sombre mood. "Have you e-mailed all my faithful readers?" he demanded, "They have the right to be kept informed of important events in my life, you know." "Indeed I have, you famous creature, you," said Mr. B., but Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, quickly chipped in saying that any and all thanks should be given to her, not the Grumpy One, as she did most of the work for the Famous One's website.

"Well, I suppose it's a joint exercise," agreed Mr. B., grudgingly, but Fredcat wasn't listening to this bickering. He broke in, determinedly, saying, "As I said yesterday, people, I've been a US resident for five years now and someone needs to look at ways and means of my becoming a citizen. I wonder how many other cats before me have tried to become citizens. Do I have to pass any tests, for example? Do I need to be paw-printed?"

Mr. B. thought for a moment and then said with a straight face, "Well I do declare that one simple and essential test is an English language test. I understand that one has to be able to read a small passage in English to prove that you're eligible. Now here is a wonderful passage, and anyone can read it if they've been properly schooled. Here it is, Fredcat, and while you are studying it, I wonder if you, Dear Reader, can read it as well first time."

"Oh, very amusing, very droll" said Fredcat, dryly, when he'd finished "it's bad enough having to read American English without you playing your mindless games." He turned to Cathie, "How about you? Do you have any thoughts and suggestions on how I can prepare myself for this citizenship thingy?" Cathie frowned, she didn't like Fredcat lapsing into such inferior language.

She thought for a moment and said slowly, "Well, there is a wonderfully short personality test you can take which will give the immigration authorities some clue as to your character - why not give that a go!" So Fredcat did and he was pleased and surprised to find that he was pretty well all-round marvellous!

"Which is how it should be" she Cathie, "and now it's tea time. Mr. B., please do the honours, and make sure the U is in there, if you please."

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Monday, August 1st 2005 (number 584)

Permanent Resident Fredcat Large image

Fredcat was excited. "Hey! Hey! Wake up!" he chided Mr. B, "It's August 1st - and you know what that means, don't you?" Clearly Mr. B. didn't know what that meant and he said so, muttering, "Go away and let me sleep for a few more minutes before I have to get up and prepare your breakfast. Just five more minutes, please."

But Fredcat was persistent, and soon Mr. B. found himself brewing cups of tea for the humans and putting a fresh bowl of cat food down for the Maestro. But for once in his famous life Fredcat was apparently not hungry. (Well, not hungry enough to eat straight away, anyway.) He looked first at his best human friend, Cathie, and then at Mr. B., did his famous hopping activity, going from one pair of legs to another pair of legs, and showing off his once-shaven front leg which had now completely healed. He let out a huge grin, showing off his set of nearly complete (but extremely effective) teeth.

"I've lived in the US for five years today! Don't you remember we flew to the US on this day five years ago, landed at Charlotte airport, and eventually settled here." He looked around, contentedly. "I like this residence of mine. I chose well." He waited expectantly for some response. But he had forgotten that it was Monday morning and humans are not altogether at their best on Mondays so his announcement wasn't greeted with the joy Fredcat expected.

"I'm going to email all my friends," he enthused, ignoring Mr. B's blank looks. "I'll be able to tell them that I can now apply to become a full citizen of the US instead of simply being a resident alien: that sounds such a stark description for a famous cat and I want to have all the rights afforded to American felines." Mr. B. scowled at Fredcat and asked him what rights these were, exactly, but Fredcat was too happy to bother with such trivial questions.

But Mr. B. was persistent, " Hold on Fredcat, five years ago you arrived here in the US, you say, but you've always told me in no uncertain terms that you're only five years of age now, so ....." There was silence for several seconds.

"Fredcat is five," stated Cathie, firmly, "Don't you understand about time? Albert Einstein was able to prove that when you travel very quickly (as we did when we came to the US from the UK) one's onboard clock ticks more slowly. It's therefore feasible that Fredcat has aged more slowly and is therefore still five years old.

"Come to think of it, I must be a lot younger too!" she summised, and went off to the mirror to check on it. "Poor delusional creatures," thought Mr. B. "I'll tackle them on this again tomorrow when we're all more awake. But five years in the US for Fredcat, hey?! Now that is an achievement."

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