Welcome to Fredcat's diary - and checkout his tails later!

Wednesday, August 30th 2006 (number 842)

Present-able Fredcat! Large image

"Come on! Come on! We're going to be late!" whispered Fredcat, as he tried to tug the bedclothes from the sleeping Mr. B. The latter woke sharply and leapt to his feet, albeit a trifle groggily. "Shush! Don't make a noise! You'll wake her up!" Fredcat continued, "You'll spoil the surprise!" "I'm the one who's surprised," muttered Mr. B. as he followed Fredcat down the stairs to the living room. Was the Mighty One ready for breakfast already? He was usually more patient than this. But no, there on the dinette table was a mess of wrapping paper, sticking tape, string and a small package. "I'm having a bit of trouble with this," confessed Fredcat, "and I need you to give me a helping paw." He waved one of his own paws in the air aimlessly.

Of course, now all became clear. Mr. B. shook his head, but first things first - the kettle was put on for a cup of tea. Then he turned his attentions to Fredcat. Today marked the birthday of Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. Usually Fredcat distanced himself from human birthday celebrations but he was feeling very protective towards this particular human. Cathie had been hobbling around in a hospital shoe for a couple of weeks recovering from a foot problem - but even given that, she was still acting very kindly towards him.

Soon the cup of tea and Fredcat's present were ready and the two males climbed the stairs and greeted the still sleeping Cathie. "Happy Birthday," sang Mr. B., and Fredcat meowed very loudly in unison. Then while Cathie opened the present from Fredcat he did a famous feline dance routine to show just how happy he was; this was a well-rehearsed routine and Cathie was very pleased to have a Birthday Girl performance from the Mighty One.

"Thank you, Peeps!" she said, "I shall be sure to tell all my colleagues in work about this (whether they want to know about it or not!)" Fredcat was a tad annoyed to hear that Cathie wouldn't be spending her birthday with him, but he cheered up at the thought of all the surprises he and the Grumpy One could prepare in her absence, ready for Cathie when she returned home.

"When you get home we'll have a nice meal ready for you, Cathie - unless Mr. B. is planning on taking you out for a birthday best beef dinner, of course," said Fredcat solemnly. He always liked best beef restaurant meals as his humans inevitably brought him back a d*ggy bag with grub inside. "There are loads of birthday cards for you to read - and tons of presents to unwrap as well!" he continued, "but my gift appears to have gone missing. Perhaps Mr. B. knows where it is?" He sighed ... He would never understand human birthdays. "How old are you now, anyway?" he asked, innocently, "You must be ..."

"Fredcat!" interrupted Mr. B., "It's just not polite to ask a lady how old she is. Cathie is as young as she feels - and she looks radiant right now, and no mistake." He turned to Fredcat and said accusingly, "And how old are you?"

"Five!" said Fredcat and Cathie simultaneously. Their arithmetic was well flawed, but their hearts were in the right place, thought Mr. B. Soon Cathie was up and about and making preparations to beat the traffic and make sure that she (plus cake!) arrived at work early. She took with her a large double-chocolate, double-fudge cake to offer to the gang at work. Actually Fredcat didn't like cake much, except for a little lick of double cream, but he did nudge Mr. B. suggesting that an extra mound of biscuits wouldn't go amiss in a certain feline's feeding bowl - to keep the Fredcat strength up until Cathie's return.

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Monday, August 28th 2006 (number 841)

Blogmaster Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat came storming into the living room, his eyes boring into the back of Mr. B.'s head. "What is all this nonsense?" he demanded. "My website has been hijacked and I'm not in control anymore. I don't want all these strange icons coming onto my diary and messing things up. Get them taken off at once, if not sooner, or I'll go and find another foster home. Some very famous people act as foster parents, you know. I'm not joking!" Fredcat hopped about a bit to show his great displeasure but the effect was spoiled somewhat when he crashed into the side table (his arthritic right front leg wouldn't obey the commands his brain was sending it). Hopping about so early in the morning was clearly not his strong point when he was annoyed.

"They're not icons and they're not interfering with your diary," frowned Mr. B. "Those two tiny images above today's Diary entry are there courtesy of a couple of free websites who are providing you with the opportunity to publicise your famous Diary. I thought it'd be a good idea to try them out so that your gentle readers can see how you're faring in the competitive world of blogging. I've no idea how these people do their stuff; they all seem to come up with different answers - and they change their figures all the time - but it's fun to watch the positions change and it keeps me amused, so there!"

Having said his piece, Mr. B. turned to the big TV and became instantly absorbed in yet other football game. But Fredcat wasn't finished, not by a long chalk. "Look," he said, "these counting people, they've got it all wrong, these other sites listed with mine are nowhere near as good as my famous Diary - they're mostly sites selling stuff, but my website, it's all about me, I'm famous, very famous, and I don't sell stuff, it's all about me, yes, me, and ... " Fredcat stopped when he saw that Mr. B. wasn't listening. "Oh, I give up!" exclaimed the Famous One, "No one ever listens to me, I'm just going to go and pack my bags," and he stomped off in the direction of the stairs.

His best human friend, Cathie, watched these proceedings in astonishment and was surprisingly unsympathetic. "Look here, Fredcat," she said, sternly, picking him up and giving him a cuddle, "You're not like other felines; you're very famous in your own right. Nevertheless, you do have to appreciate that everything is not always as it seems."

She continued, "When we see something that looks like another human, for example, we automatically think it is another human and we're surprised when it isn't. That's why we try to get other opinions on lots of things - including your own famous website. It's always nice to have one's opinions confirmed, you know. Forget Mr. B. and his attitude, just think about yourself, and remember we all love you." And she scratched his back in the special way he loved, making Fredcat wave his head around in pleasure. She knew a thing or two, did his Cathie.

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Friday, August 25th 2006 (number 840)

Planetary Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was listening with half an ear to the radio. The announced was reporting that scientists had decided that Pluto was no longer a planet. Fredcat opened both eyes and his other ear. "I always thought Pluto was a d*g!" he mewsed, "How can it be a planet? Or, rather, now not a planet?" Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, replied, "Oh, it's always down to definitions, you know, and scientists have now reluctantly decided that as Pluto had forty of so similar friends, and as none of them were really proper planets, they'd downgrade the lot of them to be also-rans, as it were. Don't worry about it, Fredcat, this decision will hardly effect your daily existence, the world will still look the same at night, so go back to sleep."

"Come to think of it, you've been sleeping rather a lot lately," interrupted the Grumpy One, "and you've been away from the Fredcat residence a lot, too. Is there something we humans should know about?" He chuckled - as if Fredcat had anything going on! The very idea of it! He turned to look at the latest pictures of Pluto and became absorbed.

Fredcat smiled thinly to himself. Huh! If the Grumpy One had half a brain he would've had a much better idea of world events. Little did Mr. B. know that Fredcat had been invited to be the Keynote Speaker at the latest International Spy Conference, which, in deference to the Famous One, was being held in Fredcat's home town of Raleigh. With Fredcat's vast experience of spying and resolving international problems there was no better speaker to give an insight to the world of espionage than the renowned Mighty One. The aforementioned renowned Mighty One fluffed up his famous ginger and white fur and settled down to rest. "Huh!" he thought again.

When he awoke he thought about popping outside to re-examine the area under the BBQ, one of his favourite resting places, but Cathie sounded a word of caution. "Your friend, Dana, has sent us a report that raccoons are on the march and have been attacking felines so you may want to reconsider your BBQ evaluation plans, my friend." But as Fredcat's loyal readers well know, he's made of stern stuff and he ignored Cathie's strictures and hunkered down for a final rest of the day, planning when and how he would climb upstairs later. "Spying is such hard work," he thought, "Perhaps I'll give the next conference a miss."

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Wednesday, August 23rd 2006 (number 839)

Lonesome Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat watched as his best human friend, Cathie, sped off in the morning gloom. Initially he wasn't too bothered, but he soon became uneasy. He gazed worriedly at Mr. B. (who was, as usual, doing not very much at all) and timidly asked him where Cathie had gone and when she would be returning. "Don't you remember, Fredcat? Cathie told you she was going to work - and she has, indeed, gone to work. She'll be at home all day only at weekends, now. But that means that we males have the Fredcat residence all to ourselves, so we can relax!" And Mr. B. proceeded to do just that, not even noticing Fredcat's unhappy silence - the Famous One wanted Cathie to be at home, with him. He walked miserably towards the stairs leading to the study - perhaps he could get in touch with Cathie via the Fredcat PC.

Instead of mooching around my famous residence why don't you do some exercises and get fit," he threw over his shoulder to the lethargic Grumpy One, as the former left the living room, "It can't be good for you to sit around eating ice cream and watching TV. I need both you and Cathie to be fit and well to look after me; I'd hate to have to run this residence all by myself."

"Go and eat something," grumbled Mr. B., "and leave me alone, I'm tired."

Fredcat stopped at the foot of the stairs and, turning around, looked hard at the Grumpy One. "Are you sure you're alright?" he asked, a trifle sympathetically, "You're normally more content than this. I think you're missing Cathie. Yes, I think you're missing Cathie just as much as I am!"

Mr. B., of course, begged to differ. "If you had the teeth to enable you to eat as easily as you wished you'd spend more time emptying your feeding bowls and less time talking nonsense. I should definitely look into getting you some nice replacement teeth to fill in the gaps left by those you lost some months ago. Then you'd be so busy eating that you'd quite leave me alone."

But Fredcat knew a thing or two and crept close to Mr. B. He knew that if he lay very close to the Grumpy One, the latter would soon start to scratch the Famous One's ginger and white fur, which would bring comfort to the miserable human. And so it proved. Soon Fredcat was purring and Mr. B. was relaxed. It wouldn't be long before Cathie returned and the Fredcat household would be complete again. Until the next day ...

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Monday, August 21st 2006 (number 838)

Homeloving Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat gazed up at the sky, convinced that he could recognise the aircraft his visitors had departed on but his best human friend, Cathie, was not so sure. "Despite all the recent scares about flying, there are still many flights daily from every airport and they fly so high that it's impossible for someone on the ground to single out one 'plane from the many," she explained, gently. "Anyway I'm off to work today - so you just be helpful around the house and make sure you don't give Mr. B. any trouble; he has a load of housework to do around your famous residence, Fredcat."

Fredcat, typically, wasn't too disappointed at his visitors departure. "Roll on Christmas - that's next!" he said, brightly, "Harrods in London have already put up their Christmas decorations, you know. And me, I'm looking forward to my usual multitude of Christmas presents from you humans; there's no point in my gracing the Fredcat residence if I don't receive lots of goodies in return." He flicked his famous ginger and white tail in pleasurable anticipation.

"Hold hard, my boy," cried Cathie, "You're well ahead of yourself! There are many events to celebrate before we get to Christmas. For a start, it's my birthday soon (you and Mr. B. may serenade me with beautiful music if you like!) and, I believe you, dear heart, also have a birthday to come in early October. And don't forget about Hallowe'en, as well. And Bonfire Night in November! Don't wish the time away so quickly. There's plenty of time for you to chase a few d*gs if you feel up to it!" She laughed, as if Fredcat would ever stoop as low as to do that.

"Just so long as they stay away from my feeding bowls" growled Fredcat, but in truth he knew that d*gs rarely came near his residence. He limped to the door leading to the BBQ, passed through and sniffed all around. He thought he could still smell the best beef recently cooked therein and sighed. Perhaps Mr. B. would set up a BBQ simply for him, though he considered that unlikely. And as his thoughts went round and round, he found himself dozing off and, laying down quickly, fell fast asleep.

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Friday, August 18th 2006 (number 837)

Passenger Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was anxiously pacing the floor of the living room. "I have to go to the DMV to renew my driver's license," she said, "I do hope I pass the questions they'll ask me there. If I don't, I won't be able to get to work and that would never do. Fredcat's face brightened. If Cathie wasn't able to go to work she'd have to stay at home and that would suit the Mighty One just fine. But he reckoned without Cathie's ability to pass exams and she was soon back at the Fredcat residence waving her new five year driver's licence. She proudly showed off the licence and photograph, allowing the other humans to admire her new longer hair-do.

Fredcat flicked his own famous ginger and white hair/fur and completely ignored Cathie's licence. "I don't see what you're going on about," he muttered, crossly, "Whenever we go out together we have to go in Mr. B.'s car - and if I have to choose which awful motor vehicle is to be used to take me to the v*t's office, it would have to be the Grumpy One's car because he lets me shed my fur all over the interior."

"Frankly, he has no option," sniffed Cathie, "I keep my car clean and shiny all the time and we use the Grumpy One's car as the workhorse for all sorts of odd jobs. I need my car for work and it has to stay posh. We could easily get an uncountable number of cats or kittens in his vehicle. Some of them could get really stroppy if disturbed!

"Some humans get terribly angry when they're passengers," she continued, "Like me, they always want to be the driver, never the passenger. I have to be really patient when Mr. B. drives but I never give him cause for alarm, never." She tossed her head again, and Fredcat watched, thinking male thoughts about navigation, but he decided, very tactfully, that he would be far better off keeping such thoughts to himself.

"Don't worry," she added, "Our visitors will be leaving soon and then I'll be able to give you loads more attention, Fredcat. I can take you anywhere you want to go now, my friend! My new license won't expire for years and years and years!" And Fredcat was more than happy with that thought, even though he quite liked his human visitors and, if he were to be honest, he would love for them to stay longer.

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Wednesday, August 16th 2006 (number 836)

Honeybaked Fredcat! Large image

"He's bringing home some what?" exclaimed Fredcat, "Honey baked ham?!?! That's just the job! Yippee!" With this, Fredcat danced around a bit, hopping from one and a half front paws to two back paws with an ease that belied his age and (claimed) general infirmity. "Why don't we buy that stuff more often?" he demanded, licking his lips in a decidedly Pavlovian reaction. The male humans had disappeared early in the afternoon and when they returned Fredcat was at the car door in a flash, offering to help with the unpacking. He slithered seamlessly towards the car boot (or "trunk" as his fellow Americans would insist on referring to it) and was first to peek inside at the booty therein.

There, reposing in all its honeybaked glory, was a large chunk of ham. Fredcat ignored the rest of the parcels and gazed longingly at the golden coloured foil package as it was carried indoors and placed upon the countertop in the Fredcat kitchen. Reluctantly he turned and looked at the other parcels as David opened them one by one. It was an incredibly boring process; simply a collection of male human's clothing. "We'll collect the rest tomorrow, or the next day," enthused David, until at last the humans turned their attention to tea.

"Now look here," demanded the Famous One, "I am important, you know. In fact, I'm so important that I demand the first slice of this ham. You know, in Britain they recent set off hundreds of fireworks, in my honour, I'm sure, so I'm definitely due the first and best slices of the ham. Some d*gs have wigs made for them in an attempt to make them famous. Huh! How futile!" He scoffed and turned his famous ginger and white head from side to side and purred very loudly as he pondered the idea of d*gs in wigs.

"I think d*gs who wear wigs should be made to walk the plank as an example to others," he muttered, and mooched off to the study to check on his Top 100 rating. The Fredcat the Famous scores seemed to be stuck in a time warp, circulating around positions 8, 7, 6 and 5 and back again as the day wore on. He was happy though, his insides were soon to be full of best ham and there was plenty more where that came from, he was sure of that!

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Monday, August 14th 2006 (number 835)

Baseball fanatic Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat watched as the human visitors and Mr. B. left for the baseball game. He had absolutely no intention of joining them. In fact he was decidedly pleased that the had the company of his best human friend, Cathie, all to himself for the rest of the evening. As soon as the car had left, Cathie turned up the volume of the music emanating from her computer, lit all the scented candles she could lay her hands on in the Fredcat residence until Fredcat's senses were reeling, then she and the Mighty One sang and danced up hill and down dale until both were utterly exhausted.

The visitors and Mr. B. didn't get back from Durham until quite late, as the baseball game (which apparently was very exciting) had lasted well into the night. Mr. B. entered the room proudly clutching a brand new baseball (only hit once!) which he said he had caught from a mis-hit. This news made Fredcat cast a shrewd look at the visitors and he saw them sniggering slightly. The true facts soon emerged ...

"Actually," said David, "The baseball soared very high and nobody near us could see where it was going to land. And no one was more surprised then, errrr, Mr. B., when it bounced off his pizza tray and landed dead at his feet."

"So the Grumpy One went to a baseball game and was busy feeding his face, and didn't see the ball coming until it hit him? That just about sums him up. If I know him, I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised to hear that he continued eating his pizza!" said Fredcat. " He snorted.

"Spot on, Fredcat! On the button!" said David, "And he didn't offer any pizza to the rest of us! And he kept the ball all to himself."

Fredcat didn't really mind about the ball, what he was a tad peeved about was all the activity that was apparently going on behind his back. It seemed that the humans were enjoying themselves immensely and he, Fredcat, was somehow peripheral to the process. "How do I know where you humans have been? If you've treated yourselves to a best beef meal and brought me back a tasty morsel or two I can cope with that, but if you disappear and say nothing on your return it's most aggravating. It's been all meals at a steak house, and meals at a Chinese restaurant, and baseball games this, that and the other. I'm definitely missing out."

Cathie was quickly on the defense. "Actually, my friend, it's one meal at a steak house and one meal at a Chinese restaurant, and all of the others went to one baseball game - and the Grumpy One sustained a most heinous injury at the latter (or so he tells me). So just climb down off your soapbox and enjoy the nice pieces of steak which we brought you back from the steakhouse - or we won't even do that in the future."

Answer came there none, though, because the Famous One had spotted said tiny morsels of leftover best beef and all non-food thoughts were forgotten as he ambled to his feeding bowls. Life with Cathie wasn't that bad after all, even with visitors around.

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Friday, August 11th 2006 (number 834)

Meateater Fredcat! Large image

The human visitors were huddled around the big TV. They watched the news unfold and from the looks on their faces Fredcat knew it wasn't good. Even Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, appeared a bit perturbed at what was going on. She explained to the Mighty One that there were delays at airports all over England as flights were being cancelled and security was at peak levels. "But what's the problem?" enquired Fredcat, "There's always something nasty going on in this human world of yours. If it isn't tornadoes or earthquakes or excessive hot weather or very cold weather, it's be something else horrible, so don't panic and don't worry, it'll soon pass." He changed his tone. "How about giving my coat a bit of a brushing, I need you to remove some excessive fur from my back to cool me down."

It was clear from this that Fredcat's definition of worrying events was limited to those subjects which directly affected him and no one else. Cathie wrung her hands and replied, "But what if my visitors can't get a flight back to the UK next week? They'd have to stay here for a lot longer." As soon as she'd said that, however, her face brightened, "Actually that'd be a good thing for me. I could enjoy their company for a lot longer. Though they have to report back for work later than planned and their bosses mightn't be very happy if their return to work is delayed." She turned to Fredcat and gave him a huge cuddle. "Never mind, Fredcat, I don't have any plans for us to get on a plane. We're staying right here."

"But what if I had to go to England for a ..." and here Fredcat coughed delicately, "... business trip? I read on the news today that a goat has just been crowned King of Ireland - and that can only mean that I am quite close to an impressive coronation of my own in my country of birth."

"What?!" scoffed Mr. B., "I bet they were only too glad to see the back of you! The only way you'll get back in there is if you demonstrate some pretty spiffy climbing skills!" He smirked. Mr. B. liked to get the odd dig in now and again.

But, as usual, this did him no good. Cathie drew herself up to a very great height and, in her huffiest voice, suggested that someone might find it in their best interests to purchase a replacement propane tank for the BBQ, so that preparation of the planned evening's meal might begin. "Our visitors are getting hungry, and we have some nice beef, just waiting to be cooked. Fredcat will enjoy his own plateful, I'm sure."

And so it proved. Fredcat was in seventh heaven as he trotted to his food bowls all evening until he was so full he could hardly climb the stairs to bed later that night - it took some assistance from one of his visitors to carry the Mighty One upstairs when bedtime came round. Lucky Cat.

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Wednesday, August 9th 2006 (number 833)

Fredcat the Top Tenner! Large image

Fredcat took the news that he was now number 6 on the Top Cat 100 rating system in his usual sanguine manner. Cathie, however, could be seen leaping up and down at regular intervals, checking on his placing on the chart, and cheering Fredcat's almost inevitable climb towards the top. After the last look, Cathie said to Fredcat in an excited tone "I've been keeping an eye on this all day and your famosity, reduced to a single number on this website, has improved from being number 62 (out of the top 100) to 46 to 34 to 16 to 12 and now to numbner 6. So your famosity, my little chicken, has definitely spread as a result of this your being included on this chart!" It would have been nice to report hat Cathie jumped about a bit at this stage but Cathie was prettily demure and she didn't do this kind of thing. Instead she picked up Fredcat and gave him a huge cuddle.

It has to be reported that Fredcat was secretly pleased at this result. He was no longer simply a Top 100 cat, instead he was a Top Ten cat - a position he knew he was destined to maintain. He was floating on air! He frowned and said in passing that he thought his avatar photograph could be larger (that was Mr. B's fault, of course) but he let it pass.

"These other websites that I'm competing against are really sites to sell (ugh!) feline friends of mine whereas I don't sell anything on my internationally famous site," he remarked, "In fact I even give my famous car bumper stickers away for free! So, in a sense, I shouldn't be mixing with these other commercial sites at all. I am not of their ilk." But he didn't take the point any further as he was very comfortable in Cathie's arms and wanted to stay there for the time being - until he saw Mr. B. approach with the ear and eye drops for the Famous One's treatment. Oh, dear. Never mind, Fredcat, tomorrow's another day and you'll be another day closer to being better. And maybe you'll be even closer to the number 1 position!

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Monday, August 7th 2006 (number 832)

Fredcat - Top cat! Large image

Fredcat felt a bit left out of it. The much-awaited human visitors had at last arrived and everyone was chatting away and ignoring the Mighty One. Admittedly they had chatted briefly to Fredcat, petted him and told him he was wonderful (which, it must be said, he already knew) but in due course he was left to his own devices. In truth, Fredcat was happy to do his own thing but he really wanted to be the one who took the decision to leave and not just be summarily ignored. He sighed and crawled upstairs, one step at a time, to the Fredcat PC which had been left on. His best human friend, Cathie, had some time ago realised his inability to exercise and jump about as he used to when he was younger, and she'd created a set of steps, made out of heavy old books and the like, to be used as feline stepping stones to climb on top of her desk. Fredcat used these steps and settled down to read the intawebs on his own.

He stared at the screen and saw that he had been invited (yes, invited, because of his famosity!) to join a Top Cat 100 web site list. He saw at once that it appeared to be populated by catteries and folk selling additional cat services and even selling cats (disgraceful!) but with very little going on in areas that famous felines like Fredcat would be interested. But Fredcat is nothing if not ambitious so he tapped out the required information to see where it would all end. (If you, Dear Reader, scroll right down to the bottom of this diary screen you'll see Fredcat's Top 100 logo - if you click on it and wait long enough you'll see what Fredcat means.)

Fredcat made his way downstairs and listened to the humans still avidly gossiping and decided to venture into the garden on his own, making his way to his favoured resting place under the BBQ. The weather was hot and he was glad to sip some iced water to stave off dehydration and other nasty things that can happen to feline creatures in hot weather.

Fredcat knew that high temperatures were not the only weather-related danger to feline creatures like him, there was also the heat index to consider. When he finally woke up the sun was already going down and after a lengthy yawn and stretch he made his way to the living room. No sooner had he settled than Cathie whisked him up and, after carefully wiping his eyes, administered some more drops to eyes and ears. He didn't struggle, after all Cathie was holding him very gently and was saying something about bringing home some best beef from the local restaurant the humans were going to go out to. A good idea, thought the Mighty One, I'll just have a small kip until they return. Good idea that!

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Friday, August 4th 2006 (number 831)

Antibiotics up to the gills! Large image

Fredcat was becoming more and more fed up. He was becoming paranoid about seeing humans. As soon as his best human friend, Cathie, came into the living room he slunk back behind the furthest dinette chair and lay as low to the ground and as still as possible until the danger - namely Cathie! - had passed. He knew he couldn't keep this up for ever, but ... Fredcat had started the day well, giving Mr. B. a real chorus of loud meows at the advanced hour of 7am until the bleary-eyed Grumpy One had staggered out of bed and wearily prepared food for the Mighty One's breakfast before putting on the kettle for a cup of tea.

Once fortified by said cuppa, Mr. B. was more than a match for Fredcat and smartly trapped him in a corner and presented him to Cathie to begin the day's medication. First, drops in his eyes to clear up the stickiness, than two more drops in each ear to help resolve his, umm, waxy problem. It was impossible for Fredcat to avoid these ministrations as all feline exits from his famous residence had been, cunningly, temporarily blocked. On release Fredcat was aware that he would have many hours to practice what he was really good at; viz, sleeping. These were no simple naps but were full blown sleeps and were much admired by Cathie who envied the Fredcat ability to doze off anywhere and anytime in the Fredcat residence.

It turned out that the day was going to be hot - so hot that Fredcat could hardly lift a finger to fight off the oppressive heat, let alone any potential dangerous invaders. Goodness knows how other creatures were faring in this heat-wave. Cathie, however, quickly became concerned and suggested that Fredcat should stay inside for the day; it was far too hot outside for him, even under the BBQ, and even with regular top-ups of iced water. This didn't suit the Mighty One at all and he wondered if he should actually reverse the habits of a lifetime and elect to have a day at the sea side, gazing out over the Atlantic ocean. Or maybe he should just simply pray for a cooling splash of rain.

"Are you sure that all this medication is for my benefit?" asked Fredcat, "I know your visitors will be here soon but I'm unlikely to pass on any disease to them. I'm sure I'm not carrying avian flu which is causing such alarm across the world. I never come into contact with birds anyway," he added gloomily, "They always buzz off before I can make their acquaintance. And even those I do catch don't want to actually play with me."

"I'm not surprised, given your predisposition to "play" with these creatures once you've caught them," grunted Mr. B., "I simply wish you'd get your act together and warn off that rabbit that seems to be marauding in the back garden, eating all our green stuff. He, or she, is very brazen and seems to know that no one living here can catch him, or her, so he, or she, just sits there bold as brass! I don't like it at all. Can't you do something about it?" But as usual Mr. B. found he was talking to himself because Fredcat had left to rediscover that nice cool hiding and sleeping place in the front garden shrubbery. After a while Mr. B. sighed and decided to have a nap himself because it was, frankly, too hot to do anything else. If you can't beat them, join them - even when "they" are cats.

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Wednesday, August 2nd 2006 (number 830)

Vaccinated Fredcat Large image

It all happened so quickly that Fredcat hardly knew what hit him. It was a just a journey of three miles to the v*t's office and normally Fredcat's hundred or so pitiful cries could be heard during the whole journey. But this time there had been no warning and Fredcat was still half asleep in the warm Carolinian sunshine by the time the party arrived at the destination. Fredcat listened as politely as he could as his best human friend, Cathie, told the v*t all about the problem with the Mighty One's sticky eyes. The v*t listened patiently and surprisingly first turned her attention to the Fredcat's ears, cleaning them out perfectly. Mr. B. was pleased (!) to receive a crash course in how to repeat the exercise at regular intervals.

Cathie explained that it was time for Fredcat's annual shots to cover him against feline viral thinotracheitis and feline leukemia, and the Famous One cringed. He didn't like the sound of that but, as he always did, he resigned himself patiently to the inevitable. "Fredcat is always so docile when he comes here," said the v*t, a remark which made Fredcat's lips curl. If only she knew what a raging terror he was in his natural habitat and how, as a ferocious killer, he daily stalked the undergrowth around the Fredcat residence whilst proclaiming himself king of all he surveyed.

The v*t then turned her attention to the Mighty One's vision and said that he needed to have eyedrops twice daily for, it seemed like, ever. Fredcat gave up at this point and half fell asleep before being driven back to his famous residence in due course. "We did a lot of stuff there," said Fredcat on arriving home, "so I think we'll stop those visits for a while if you don't mind." He padded into the screened porch and found his travelling HT box bed and curled up in it for the first time in about two years.

"By the way," he said, as he was dropping off, "I've found that reference to the film that our reader, Reuben, was asking me about. It's not called Tomasina - it's called Thomasina (with an H) and one can purchase a copy of the film via the intawebs." He smiled crookedly. He felt very smug at how his Goggle skills had solved another terrible crisis.

Cathie's face was a tad grim as she filed away her credit card receipt from the v*t's office. She knew, of course, that she would always look after the Famous One, no matter what the cost, even if she had to go without things for herself. That's just what most best human friends do, she thought. She sighed and went to the fridge, took out some best tuna and set it aside for when Fredcat woke up from his instant sleep. He deserved it after all he'd just gone through.

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