September 30th 2004

Sailing on the Ally-Ally-Oh Large image

Today was the last day of September. Fredcat was listening to his best human friend, Cathie, warbling the Big Ship song. She told him that everyone was taught to sing that song at a very early age in school and she always remembered the words because they were so simple. "Is that why you progressed to Beatles' songs with lyrics like She Loves You, Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! when you were supposed to be grown up," chided Fredcat with a grin.

As it happens Fredcat always knew how and when to tease Cathie for he is well aware that she loves to hear and sing along to most Beatles songs. "I used to sing and play their songs in some of the same venues they did (albeit years later)," she added, hastily, but Fredcat wasn't listening, he had heard it all before.

"Let's be serious," he commanded, "don't you realise that all America is going to be tuning in to the First Big Presidential Debate between Mr. Bush and Mr. Kerry tonight." "Is the North Carolina Vice Presidential candidate going to on TV as well?" asked Cathie. "Nope! Both he and his opponent have to wait in the wings," said Fredcat, "he might get a turn later, who knows, but I think that he certainly needs to have his photograph taken with a famous feline (me!) if he wants to progress," he reiterated.

"Oh yes! I've heard that one before, Mr. Publicity-Seeking Cat," came the Cathie riposte, "come now, don't you remember your last publicity opportunity - when that kind photographer from the News and Observer came to take a snap of you, and you hid under the bed for an hour?! It took all our wiles to tempt you out to have a fleeting snapshot taken. Just imagine, for example, if the nice people of the local WRAL TV station came along and asked you to perform for them, would you behave?"

"Most unlikely," said Fredcat, without the slightest sign of remorse. "You would have to lock me in the screened porch to have even half a chance - and then I would probably sulk. I like to do things my way," and he headed off to the food bowl once more. Ungrateful moggie ...

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September 29th 2004

Paralympic feline, perhaps? Large image

Fredcat was a bit annoyed. Mr. B. had been listening to the final results of the Paralympics which had been held at the Greek site of the recent Olympic Games. As a result Fredcat's (almost) silent pleadings for a fill-up of his food bowl had gone unheeded. "These paralympic athletes are quite marvelous," remarked Mr. B., admiringly, "they have overcome their individual disabilities to a remarkable degree."

"Pets don't have a corresponding Olympic activity," said Fredcat, "which, considering that cats spend so much time asleep, is probably a good thing. It would probably be much worse for a disabled cat," he continued, "Hmmm, I wonder now, if there were feline Olympics, which one should I be eligible for: the physically-abled Olympics or the Paralympics?"

"What are you wittering on about?" said the Grumpy One. "You may think yourself a trim, fit feline, but the amount of cat food and treats you put away would put a severe crimp in your athletic activities. And what gives you the idea that you would have even the remotest possibility of qualifying for a potential feline Paralympics team. You are able to run as fast as you wish! You are simply Fredcat."

"Look here, matey," retorted Fredcat, "don't you know that I am first and foremost a famous cat and, moreover, I am certainly dentally-challenged! Have you forgotten that only a few weeks ago I had four teeth extracted - and one of them was an important canine. I would certainly be at a disadvantage in any eating contest."

"I don't think you've quite got the point of the potential feline Paralympics," said Mr. B. "I think you need to get back to checking your upcoming Fredcat Tails story; time is marching on, you know - only two days to go now before its release to your adoring public!!"

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September 28th 2004

Exercising cat? No, thanks! Large image

It was well known in the Fredcat household that Mr. B. liked eating chocolate bars. But today he was miserable as he had just found out that UK manufacturers were about to reduce the size of their jumbo bars of chocolate. And without consulting him at all! "It might not be such a bad thing," said Fredcat, caustically, as he admired the expanding waistline of Mr. B. "Time for you to go on a diet."

"I have just seen yet another example of a fat cat," said Fredcat, "that poor colleague of mine has to go on a "Catkins" diet (!). So watch out, or you too could end up like that if you don't cut back on choc bars and ice cream! And I think you need more exercise as well," he added.

"Not necessarily," replied Mr. B., "I have read that, for example, some experts reckon that going to school on a bus instead of walking doesn't have much effect on obesity, which should please a lot of children!"

"Anyway, Fredcat, I have been so busy typing up your latest Fredcat Tails yarn, that I really must have a few chocolate munchies by my side to keep up my strength. This "tail" of yours is a real monster and it will take your friends ten to fifteen minutes just to read it, I reckon."

"OK, keep your hair on," said Fredcat, "I will give you until Friday at the latest to get it typed up - and corrected - so back to the old typewriter, if you please."

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September 27th 2004

Biscuit diet for Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, and Mr. B. were in a huddle. They were standing by the freezer with worried frowns. "It looks as if we have had a power cut to the Fredcat residence," said Cathie, sadly. "And no power means that any electrical unit won't work - in particular, the freezer!" she added, "Look! The contents of the freezer have started to defrost!"

"All of this food will have to be thrown away. Mind you, the loss of our freezer food is as nothing compared to what some Florida residents have suffered; some will have no power for their freezers for days - and even weeks - indeed they won't have power for anything!"

"Come on, let's dispose of this spoiled food," she said, and soon all the decaying food was packed into trash bags for disposal. "In the meantime," she added, "you Fredcat, will have to go on an enforced diet until we get some more grub in."

"Impossible!" yelled Fredcat, extremely alarmed, "I'm not a fat cat like Micky who can afford to lose weight, I'm super trim!"

Don't worry yourself unduly," said Mr. B., "there are plenty of dried biscuits available and the grass outside is still green enough to gnaw on if you are really hungry."

"That's all very well, but what are you and Cathie going to eat?" said Fredcat. "Oh, don't concern your pretty little head about that," said Mr. B., "we're off to Ruth's Chris Steak House for a slap up steak meal and if you're good we'll bring you home a d*ggy bag. Perhaps ..."

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September 25th 2004

Vehicle-washing blues Large image

It had been a beautiful day so far. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had gone to the car wash to have her banger cleaned, leaving Mr. B. to plant some juniper shrubs as ground cover along the driveway. That was when the telephone rang. "Where are you?" said Mr. B. "I'm stuck in the car wash place and the keys to my car are inside the car."

"Good place for them," said Fredcat to Mr. B., "Isn't that where they're supposed to be? There's no point in having the keys to a car outside the car is it!" he added, mockingly

"Hush, Fredcat!" commanded Mr. B. "It seems that the car key is where it should be (in the ignition) but unfortunately the door has been closed - and locked - by the car wash guys, leaving Cathie on the outside looking in. This is, how you say, a trifle inconvenient for her. But it's helpful in one way," he added, "it's certainly put a crimp in the Cathie spending spree!"

The Grumpy One continued, "We need to bring her the spare set of car keys! How about coming along with me and seeing how these places operate? They do a great job of cleaning the car, both inside and out. In some places one sits in the car and operates the machine oneself. It feels like one is at sea with water pounding the car from all sides, and one just hopes that all the windows are shut tight and the car radio aerial is safely down!"

My goodness! That's not for me, thank you," said Fredcat, "I hate water more than I hate cars! What's the other way?"

"Oh, this way is a lot easier," replied Mr. B. "this is where you hand over both the car and keys, allowing the mechanics do all the work, buffing and shining the car down."

"Hadn't you better get going then?" said Fredcat, as he watched Mr. B. carry on with his leisurely planting. "In a minute or ten, old chum," said Mr. B., "Don't you realise the traffic around here is very heavy at this time of day? That plus the road works are causing major delays between here and the car wash. It doesn't do to rush off at the very first cry for help, else Cathie will think she only has to tweak the cord and I come running. I think I'll delay matters for a little longer, and then she will be so relieved at my arrival that she won't realise that I've been slow to turn out. Perhaps she might give up on the shopping spree! How about that then?"

As it happened Fredcat thought that delaying was a stupid idea. Moreover, so did Cathie - when Fredcat told her all about this later. Which is why the grumpy Mr. B. is scheduled to clean the Cathie car himself next time around. Foolish man!

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September 24th 2004

Dentally challenged? Large image

The situation had been completely reversed. In a macabre way, Fredcat really had no pity for his best human friend, Cathie, as she sat in the living room waiting for the grumpy Mr. B. He was going to take her to the dentist. "I'm sorry," Fredcat said gravely, "but when the dentist calls you've gotta go, whether you like it or not!"

"But I don't like it. At all," replied Cathie, promptly, "I wasn't put on this earth to make periodic visits to dentists, my life was supposed to be loads of fun, with plenty of money to spend on pleasurable things. I'm really scared of that dentist's drill, you know ..."

"Well, how do you think I felt," said Fredcat, somewhat crossly, "I had no choice in the matter; one day I'm at the v*t's office having an x-ray and blood tests and the very next day, whoomph! It's goodbye to four teeth. And one of them was an important canine." And Our Hero fell to muttering under his breath for quite a while.

"Yes, but you were seriously ill with your bad teeth, and something had to be done in a hurry," said Cathie, vexed, "but I'm not ill at all! I feel absolutely fine, everything A-OK, I am on top of the world ..."

She stopped. "Go on," said Fredcat, "I think the lady doth protest too much. I also understand the real reason for your being scared rotten is because you think that your dentist is going to be pretty cross with you for not coming to see her sooner and she will set you up with a course of treatments that will make you feel really, really, really nervous - and scared."

"Got it in one." said Cathie, "except that this dentist offers something called sedation dentistry which means that I never feel any pain during the treatment itself. She is brilliant! And actually, my dear feline friend," she went on, "you were just lucky that the v*t was able to anaesthetise you so that you didn't feel a thing either."

"Until you woke up of course and realised you had lost a bunch of gnashers," she added. Cathie seemed to cheer up at this and later, was even more cheerful after the visit. All she had had done was sit for a set of toothy x-rays.

She was so pleased. But little did she appreciate that today's visit was but the pre-cursor of many, many more dental visits to start in October, thought Fredcat (who was, of course, in the know), but he wisely said nothing to her about that. Why worry about the future? It may never happen.

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September 23rd 2004

Conversation required! Large image

Fredcat looked on in amazement as the TV showed a fearless d*g whizzing along the pavement - on a skateboard. "Oh! how very droll," said Fredcat to his best human friend, Cathie, "and who do you think is going to pick up that board at the end of the run, and cart it home? Not that d*g, I bet! It's far too heavy and awkward to carry."

"Look, I've seen many a pet doing simple tricks like that, but I'm sure that that particular d*g doesn't realise that the only creature getting any benefit out of his antics will be a human one. That mutt will be lucky to have any time off to gnaw a bone once he gets home!"

"My! My! We are in a paddy, aren't we" remonstrated Cathie, "Who's rattled your cage?"

"Well, it's like this," said Fredcat, grumpily, "yesterday I went out with Mr. B., all nice, to examine the garden and lawn area, and we walked around for ages admiring the way the whole area was slowly getting into shape. The sun was shining, there was no wind, he trotted around in those faintly ridiculous shorts of his and I thought we were at one with each other."

He stopped. "And?" prompted Cathie, "what happened?" Fredcat looked moody, and said, "Well, that's the problem, nothing happened, he said nothing at all. He didn't say anything to me, didn't ask my opinion of the lawn, he was just lost in a daydream all on his own. I might have not been there at all ... I felt slighted!"

"Why that's nothing, absolutely nothing," cried Cathie in a somewhat relieved tone, "you are lucky even to be allowed to walk around with him. There is many a female companion in this world of ours who would be only too delighted to have the company of a human male, even if it didn't talk much. Just a muttered 'Yes, dear' from time to time would probably suffice. I sometimes think that Mr. B. only talks when the TV sports channel has been switched off and he is searching for something to eat."

"Ah ! That's sounds just like me," said Fredcat, as he sped off to the feeding area. "Oh no!" groaned Cathie, "I think that Fredcat the Famous has become Fredcat the Foolish, whose only interest is grub. That cat needs an education, methinks."

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September 22nd 2004

Pre-birthday blues cat! Large image

Fredcat was looking at the calendar on the wall above the desk of his best human friend, Cathie. The calendar was a traditional one, one month to a page, each page having a full-sized picture of a cat or group of cats on the top half and a month's calendar dates on the lower half. Although several of his friends had sat for a photographer for this particular calendar, Fredcat remained unimpressed.

"It's not as if they have their pictures on the calendar which coincides with their birthday," he pouted, "they are just doing it for the money!" "So what's new about that?" demanded Cathie, "lots of people just do it for the money, it's what makes the world go round."

"How very cynical," lamented Fredcat, "my diary doesn't have any advertisements so you can't say I do it for the money." "Well, now, I bet you would if you were given the chance," snorted Mr. B. "it's all very well being an altruistic soul but, given the opportunity to make big bucks, you would be tempted as much as any other ginger tom would!"

Fredcat was very hurt by this barb - partly because it was probably true - but mostly because he had begun to have a a sinking feeling that the world was beginning to pass him by. "Is that really the date?!" he wailed, "within two weeks, I will turn sixtee ..."

"Shush!" called Cathie, "you are really just coming up to your fifth birthday. Again - remember? We have to plan for it in advance. I know a great cat friend of yours, called Baby, who always has wonderful birthday parties, with candles, cakes and lots of party activities. Her best human friend, Linda, always has lots of friends around for Baby's birthday tea. And they always have a good time, Fredcat, so don't let the calendar rule your life, Little One. Let it flow ... as Clapton says!"

"But I want a proper clown and a juggler this time!" demanded Our Best Moggie. "Watching Mr. B. fall over with a plate of jelly in his hand is not that amusing. At least after the first time. Though I don't know," he considered, "it did make the rest of my last birthday go with a bit of a swing. So long as there are plenty of beef and tuna dishes, then all will be OK." And feeling a little less melancholic, Fredcat sauntered off.

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September 21st 2004

Working air-cons save the day! Large image

The day was proceeding smoothly until Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, started to complain to Mr. B. "The air-con isn't working," she averred, "fix it!" "No, the air-con is working," replied that Worthy, "I can hear it all round the house. Are you sure you are too hot, it's not that warm outside today!"

Just for once, Fredcat agreed with Mr. B. It was all very nice having an Open Door Policy but not when cooler autumnal weather was at hand. The problem appeared to be that the air-conditioning thermostat wasn't playing fair. It was saying one thing but performing quite differently. Fredcat leaned against the wall and tried to effect some alterations but only succeeded in leaving dirty paw prints as he slid back down to the ground.

"Call the man," ordered Cathie, and the man duly arrived, arriving at the Fredcat residence in a very large white van. Despite being given an exact description of the symptoms, and a very carefully crafted possible solution (obtained by Mr. B. reading all about air-con units on the internet), the man totally ignored Mr. B. and went about his business, fixing the problem and charging Mr. B. a lot of money for so doing.

"With the Open Door still open, Fredcat wondered how it was that the air-con unit managed to operate at all considering that it was now, in effect, trying to cool the whole world. Setting that thought aside for later consideration Fredcat quickly found Mr. B., shivering in the downstairs living room, sweater tightly wrapped around his torso, and pleaded with him for some rational thought to be applied.

"Rational thought - where heat and Cathie are concerned - is a contradiction in terms," whispered Mr. B. snuggling even further under his sweater. "Perhaps it has something to do with her visit to hospital some time ago (but I'm not even going there, matey)."

"You're right, we men have to stick together," replied Fredcat, not quite understanding the comment. "Hmmm, I think I'll warm myself with some nice beef bits in the kitchen. Coming?" And so they sallied forth, together ...

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September 20th 2004

Sunshine cat! Large image

An amazing turnaround! Mr. B. had at last relented! His Shut Front Door policy had been overturned and the front door, at last, was "Open All Hours'!!! Or, at least, for a few minutes more a day than before. This was a great boon to Fredcat; he knew that all the world's moggies would be rather jealous of him as he sat contentedly by the door basking in a beam of sunlight.

"Right now I have donned my meteorologist's hat and am looking out for any signs of Hurricane Ivan and for a first sighting of any tornadoes in our vicinity," he explained to his best human friend, Cathie. "I see that Mr. B. has been digging trenches around the lawn to ensure that rainwater drains away so as not to flood the house and surrounds."

"Doubtless he is being very cautious as the Fredcat residence is built on the side of a hill and there would have to be a huge quantity of rainwater to flood my living quarters. In that case Mr. B.'s tiny little trenches would be useless anyway."

Now Fredcat didn't really like water in large quantities (except to drink a small amount in a bowl, iced in the summer) whether it be rainwater or tap water. He was very worried about dishwashers and washing machines in particular, because he knew that they not only contained lots of the liquid stuff but had seriously dangerous moving parts as well as all kinds of washing chemicals inside.

Take for example the fate of Small Washed Up Kitten recently," he exclaimed, "he almost drowned when he thought he was having a nice quiet kip. It makes one wonder whether one can safely doze away in rumpled bedding at any time! And that's a great pity because rumpled bedding is a superior sleeping place, especially when it's still nice and warm from the previous human occupant."

"Look'ee here, me heartie," said Cathie (who had quite forgotten that National Talk Like A Pirate Day had passed), "if Mr. B. ever made that kind of error he would certainly qualify for the cat-o'-nine-tails treatment, and no mistake! But remember that Mr. B. has given you a nice Open Door Policy for a change so don't be ungrateful, OK? Just be nice to him."

"OK," said Fredcat, and headed off in search of his tea. This revised Open Door Policy had made Fredcat feel quite loving and soft and fuzzy. That'll never last ...

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September 18th 2004

Piratical cat! Large image

Fredcat was in a very skittish mood. He had heard on the radio that Sunday was National Talk Like A Pirate Day and all the fun folks were being invited to talk like a pirate Worryingly, Fredcat began prancing up and down the halls of the Fredcat residence, turning on his very best hoarse voice, and saying daft things like "Me hearties', and "Yo ho ho" as he approached his best human friend, Cathie.

"I reckon I could have been a pirate in a previous life ," he croaked, "a lovely black patch across one eye, there would I be, waving a (miniature) cutlass and singing sea shanties; I'm sure I would have been even more famous than the parrot who was friendly with Long John Silver!"

Mr. B. looked at Fredcat, a pained expression on the former's face, "Don't you understand that pirates, apart from being a pretty loathsome lot, went to sea to make a living by capturing cargo ships, killing the crew and stealing the cargo, before scuttling said captured ships? They did lots of other nasty things besides but we'll never know exactly what they did as any witnesses seemed to vanish before the pirate ships returned to port."

"But you do have one abiding characteristic of a pirate cat," continued Mr. B., slyly, "just one look at you horrible toothless grin and all the lady cats would run a mile." This last remark really hurt Fredcat, and Cathie stepped in quickly to restore peace. "Just a moment," she said crisply, "don't be personal! not everyone is blessed with a full set of teeth, even if half of them are false! You just take a look in the mirror and check out your hair - or what remains of it - no Lothario you, matey! Fredcat has got enough hair on his body to make a dozen Mr. B. heads of hair."

"Would he let me have some of his ginger mane to make a decent toupee?" asked Mr. B. "If he would, I would gladly make him lunches for a week!" As you might expect, Dear Reader, this offer was rejected outright, and Fredcat walked off still dreaming of a life on the ocean wave (even though he personally would never go anywhere near the sea if he could help it). What a dreamer. Ooooh arrr, me hearties ...

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September 17th 2004

Working wondercat! Large image

Something he had been told in an e-mail from a dear friend, Dana C., surprised Fredcat. Dana told him that out in that vast country called Russia, there are cats who work for a living! Fredcat was amazed to see that the story appeared to be quite true. But when he looked into it further, he thought that the word working was more loosely defined than it might have been. Working was just another name for catching mice, it seemed!

"Look'ee here," he said, to his best human friend, Cathie, "I am an intellectual cat, but I can still work if the occasion demands it. I catch any and all mice that dare enter the Fredcat residence. I give him (or her) a good playing with, and let them know in no uncertain measure that they cannot get away with anything in my home, no sir!"

Mr. B. looked on and said, with some sarcasm, "What you mean is that you leave them for dead - literally." Fredcat looked pained, "I know that some mice don't appear to have the stomach for a good playtime when I come along." Mr. B. looked at Fredcat once more, "I assume you mean that, again, quite literally," he replied dryly.

"But look at the place where these working cats live," said Fredcat, completely ignoring the jibe. "They are surrounded by excellent paintings - some of which are masterpieces! And ... look at the number of cats involved - over fifty! It only needs one decent hunting cat to keep a place clear of mice, in my opinion - think of how few farm cats are needed to keep the numbers of mice and other rodents down around all those desirable foodstuffs on working farms."

He went on, with some feeling, "And look at those luxurious surroundings! Most cats have to subsist in far more humble circumstances." Cathie interjected this diatribe, "I think you're not being fair, most of these cats are passed on to deserving homes, they all don't get to stay at the art gallery. Who would feed them?"

But, at the mention of the magic word, food, Fredcat realised that: (a) Russia was a long way away, and (b) there was not much sustenance in a oil painting. On the other hand there was a delicious smell coming from the kitchen. Time to investigate before Mr. B scoffed the lot. And he padded off, kitchen-wards ...

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September 16th 2004

Non-driver cat! Large image

Fredcat quietly hopped onto the desk of his best human friend, Cathie. As usual, she was typing. And, as usual, Fredcat nosed his way onto the desk, very quietly, until he was bang in the middle and sat down on a comfortable pile of important looking papers without disturbing them too much.

"I don't care how much you gaze adoringly at me," said Cathie, "I need to be at my desk for a while to sort out my bills and you make a better door than a window - if you get my drift."

Fredcat looked at her wistfully. "Would you ever take me out in your car and just leave me there whilst you went shopping or visiting?" he asked. Cathie looked at him in surprise. "Whatever has put that thought into your tiny feline head?" she exclaimed, "I've never done that and I never would do such a thing."

"Well, I have just been reading in a news report that a dog was seen driving a car after being left inside by its owner. Luckily he was a big dog and could see over the steering wheel. If I had been in charge I would have needed a whole gang of clever cat colleagues to deal with all the gears, lights, indicators and bits and bobs to steer the car properly."

"Would you like me to get you your very own car?" suggested Cathie, teasingly, "I could get you a mini-electric car, which you could drive whenever you wanted, inside or outside the Fredcat residence. We would have to install some ramps and enlarge the cat doors to get your car through, but you would not need to pay for insurance or pass DMV tests if you promise to stay within the bounds of the garden."

Fredcat glared and moved his position slightly on the desk, thereby disturbing the papers considerably. "Hey, you, hop it!" cried Cathie, "but first pass me that large grocery bill." She tossed it to Mr. B. "This is yours to pay!" she smirked, "as per agreement," and she rapidly left her desk, accompanied by Fredcat, and the two strolled downstairs to find something nice to eat - leaving Mr. B. shuddering at this unexpected bill. Ugh ...

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September 15th 2004

Climate changing times! Large image

Fredcat woke at a reasonable hour today. After the scares of the last two days he was back to normal. A friend of his, Susan L, had written to warn him - and Mr. B. - to be verrrrrry careful with all this weedkiller stuff. "How do you know when the grass has actually dried out after dosing with poison," she had written, so, to be on the safe side, Fredcat had tiptoed warily (using only the concrete paths) for his morning stroll.

"I think all is well," he sighed with relief, "I can already see the bad lawn bits beginning to turn brown, and as I like to eat only new, lush, green grass, sparkling with early morning dew, I will be quite safe."

He turned to his best human friend, Cathie, and said, "You humans seem to think that climatic weather patterns are changing rapidly because of gas emissions and the like, surely you can do something about that?"

"Well, everybody is trying to fix it," stated Cathie, "but it appears that there are a lot of problems to be faced. And not everyone can agree what is to be done and which bit is to be done first." Fredcat considered this and said, "Rather like a business problem, isn't it? I'm glad that others are thinking about it because I cannot face the thought of folks having to face hurricanes, monsoons, tidal waves and all the perils that go with them more and more frequently."

"And," he continued, "we cats just don't have the power to do much about it. Nor do other animals, for that matter, but I suppose that that is their problem." Cathie scowled at him, "I think you're being unfair about this. We humans have a responsibility to look after the whole planet you know, not just a few select hoity-toity moggies with jumped up ideas!"

"As it happens, here in North Carolina the weather has been very kind to us this year on the whole. In some US states the weather has been quite foul and the people who live there just have to get on with it." She thought for a moment and then said, "Maybe you'd think a little less about the weather if I were to stroke your fur and then fix up some juicy titbits for supper." "You're right," said Fredcat, "but I hope you fix the rain soon, I want to go outside." Grrr, ungracious cat ...

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September 14th 2004

Maintaining a hold on life! Large image

Fredcat awoke this morning and had to pinch himself before he could really believe he was still alive. "So the Grumpy One had failed in his attempt at bumping off the Famous One (i.e. me)," he said to himself in a whisper. He padded along the corridor until he came to the bedroom and peered in. All was normal. What was the best plan of action?

Either make one super leap on top of the snoring Mr. B. or set up an incessant meowing until the Grumpy One had to get out of bed. What an interesting decision he had to make. He was alive and here was Mr. B., ripe for the annoying!

But, wait a minute, if he was alive, then the poisonous weedkiller hadn't killed him and Mr. B.'s reputation as being anti-cat was suspect. Well, well, well, this did cast a new light on matters. Fredcat would have to rethink the relationships between he and Mr. B. Perhaps the Grumpy One had some heart after all!

On the other hand, if Mr. B. were right then did this make his best human friend, Cathie, wrong? Impossible! She was never wrong!

Fredcat came to a decision. "Hey, you lot, it's time to get up," he meowed loudly. He waited, but nothing happened. The snoring continued. "MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!" he yelled at the top of his voice. This time there was a response in the shape of a well-aimed pillow.

"That's it," bellowed Fredcat, "I was just beginning to think you were kind - when you start hurling pillows all over the place!" Fredcat was miffed. Mr. B. answered in a very measured tone, "Have you looked at the time, matey? It's half past three in the morning. If we were still in England it would be half past ten at night and you might be looking for a quick trot out before bedtime. But we don't live in England anymore and it's NOT time to get up!"

"Oops, sorry," said Fredcat, somewhat embarrassed, "but I really am pleased that I am here today, whatever day it is, and wherever we are. I'm pleased that Cathie was sensible enough to keep me inside last night and so I guess you both are OK with me." And with that somewhat surprising remark, he handed back the pillow to a surprised Mr. B. and crept back to his most recent resting place. "What an odd fellow," thought Mr. B. to himself, "I hope he is better by the morning."

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September 13th 2004

Killing off the weeds (but not the cat) Large image

At long last summer was over, fall was here and Mr. B. was planning to do something about the so-called front lawn. He had driven out to the mall and after lengthy discussions with the sales assistant had purchased a two gallon sprayer and a plastic bottle full of weedkiller called RoundUp. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was beside herself. "What on earth do you think you are doing?!" she yelled.

Fredcat sat quietly on the sidelines; he was always interested in these little friendly discussions between Cathie and Mr. B., because he knew that Cathie always won, no matter what the rights and wrongs were of the case. He just loved to hear her turn and twist the argument in her favour until she was on sure ground and then, thump, Mr. B. would be vanquished once again.

However, this time the argument took on a more sinister tone and Fredcat blinked as he began to understand the problem, as explained by Mr. B. "The so-called grassy front lawn is a mess and I need to kill off the bad bits and the general weeds before the lawn people can come along and sow fresh seeds. This lawn has never been sown before; it has just evolved, naturally, it's all rubbish."

"No, no, no," retorted Cathie, fervently, "you realise that Fredcat will innocently take a stroll across this grass, pick up the poison on his poor little tootsies and, being such a careful, conscientious and clean cat, he'll lick the poison off said tootsies and slowly die a horrible death, and all because of you. And, boy, if that happens, you had better take a trip to some far off place where I can't catch you ...

"Hey, hold on, you two!" said Fredcat, suddenly coming to life, "what's all this stuff about me being bumped off? Don't I have a say in this?" He examined the bottle of poison, and read aloud, "OK for humans and cats to walk on after spraying but only when the spray has dried ... Is that true? And how long does that take?" he demanded indignantly.

"Look here, Fredcat," said Mr. B., putting on an oily grin, "it will be all right, you'll see. The RoundUp people wouldn't allow this stuff to hit the supermarket shelves if humans and cats were popping their clogs all over the place." In fact, Mr. B. was putting his case so convincingly that Fredcat was inclined to believe him, but it didn't cut any ice with Cathie.

"Tough luck, Fredcat," she said at last, "until this stuff has dried completely you will be confined to barracks, and Mr. B. had better start cleaning out the litter tray, right now, so that you can use it without further ado." And she marched out and locked all the cat doors for the night. She was a bit cross, thought Fredcat, but I am sure that if I approach her in the right way then a bit of additional tuna will be coming my way. And it should all be over by the morrow. He sighed. At least he was still alive to think about grub. For the moment ... But what will tomorrow bring?

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September 11th 2004

Christmas cake cat! Large image

Fredcat looked on as Mr. B. was pottering about in the kitchen. Packet after packet, jar after jar, little pot after little pot of ingredients were being laid out in neat rows as the Grumpy One pored over an ancient recipe stuck on the refrigerator door. Finally the task appeared done. "OK, I have all the makings here," Mr. B. shouted to Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "it's all yours!"

"Pardon me," came the swift rejoinder, "if you want to make a Christmas cake, then you do it." This response seemed to put Mr. B. in a right old state. "But I have everything laid out," he shouted back. But even Fredcat could see that Mr. B. was not going to convince Cathie. There seemed little chance of her coming downstairs to do any cake making.

"I'll help," said Fredcat, "just tell me which ingredients to use, in what order, and it'll soon be done. However I can't help but notice - it's way too early for any end-of-year festivities, no?" But he was soon corrected by Mr. B. "You see, Fredcat, this is a traditional English Christmas cake, although over here in America, it would probably be called a rich fruit cake. Apparently these cakes need to be stored for ages as they are improved by ageing. But I'm making this one early so I can send it to England for GEB."

"And it's not too early to be thinking about preparing for Christmas!" the Grumpy One continued. "Already the shops are full of Hallowe'en goods, as well as Christmas fare. Stores have to prepare well in advance for the changing seasons, you know, Fredcat. Now where did I put that icing sugar, it hardens up nicely as a covering over the marzipan which covers the cake itself. Try some on your whiskers, my lad!" said Mr. B., slopping a dollop on said ginger extremities. Within minutes the whiskers were hardening nicely, leaving Fredcat to splutter whilst trying to scrape the white stuff off with paws that themselves were rapidly becoming iced up.

"Too much sugar and you will become rather ill," warned Cathie," and you could possibly become diabetic, which wouldn't be fun at all!" Fredcat was soon able to clear his face of the white sugary coating but he had left a bit of a mess around his paws. By jumping from floor to table and around the rest of the furniture he was able to get rid of the rest of the icing but he left an interesting white trail all over the kitchen. Said trail, dear reader, was left to neither Fredcat, nor Cathie, to clean up. Which served the Grumpy One right..

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September 10th 2004

Recycling cat! Large image

Fredcat watched as his best human friend, Cathie, removed the printer cartridge from her printer and replaced it with a new one. "What are you going to do with the old one?" he demanded, as Cathie skipped past the wastepaper bin and placed the old cartridge on the kitchen shelf. "I am going to recycle the cartridge," she replied, "and in return I will get a ream (long ream of 20 quires or 500 sheets!!) of recycled white paper."

"What?! How does that work, then?" queried Fredcat, eager to know about these things. "Well, my little chickadee," said Cathie, "you take these old cartridges to a participating branch of Office Max or Office Depot and, in return for the cartridge, they give you, absolutely gratis and free of charge, a ream of recycled paper. It's so easy!"

Fredcat was amazed at this. "Hmmm, sounds a bit like Aladdin and the "New Lamps For Old" caper to me," he chortled. But he thought for a little while and continued, "This recycling bit is a great idea but I think we should extend it - with your help of course," he said, sidling up to Cathie. "Why don't you find a company or organisation which deal in the recycling of humans so that you can trade in one worn out, grumpy Mr. B. and return with a nice reconditioned Mr. B. - who smiles and has a plentiful supply of cat food on demand?! I'll go halves on any expenses."

Cathie was not amused. "It may sound to you as if he is always grumpy but if everyone were as friendly as you and I then everyone in the Fredcat residence would be perpetually laughing, and nothing would ever get done! At least Mr. B. provides you with food from time to time. Would a nice smiling Mr. B. agree to do all the mundane tasks we set him? I think not!"

"True," said Fredcat, "And I must admit that is fun to wake up grumpy Mr. B. at five-something in the morning, knowing that he will rise in a dreamlike trance, get me my food, and slip back to bed, ready for me to start the whole process again an hour later. Good fun that; I know because I did it this morning! I almost feel sorry for him." And he grinned hugely.

Which was a bit of a mistake as Mr. B. had just come in with the Fredcat water bowl, full of clean, clear, fresh water complete with ice cubes from the freezer. Cathie could not really explain how it happened, as she recounted it to Fredcat whilst drying off the Famous One, "It seemed as if Mr. B. just happened to slip on a loose biscuit on the floor .... the fact that Fredcat happened to be standing right underneath said water bowl when Mr. B. slipped was just pure chance." Hmmm ...

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September 9th 2004

Connectivity problems - oh, no! Large image

Fredcat (now formerly known as Mr. Fred) peered through the window and saw that the rain which bucketed down yesterday was being replaced today by ... even more rain. He complained very loudly to Mr. B. It was definitely the latter's fault, no question about that. "With respect, I am only a cat, albeit it a famous one," he uttered, "but you are a human with access to all manner of resources to quell this downpour, so hop to it and sort it out!"

"Look here, you mangy moggie, or whatever your most recent name is" retorted Mr. B., "I can't perform miracles and, even if I could, keeping the rain off your backside isn't something that immediately springs to mind as a priority when miracles are being parcelled out. Try and be patient, stay indoors and wait for the weather to improve, it always does, you know."

Mr. B. went upstairs and looked in on his PC. The computer worked fine but - shock, horror! He couldn't connect to the internet! Fredcat looked on amazed. "Call yourself a computer boffin, an up to date whizz-kid - you can't even connect to the world outside your house," he scoffed. "It seems to me that if you cannot fix this simple internet connectivity problem then there's no chance of your resolving my issue with the rain ..."

"Well now," replied Mr. B., testily, "if I cannot get onto the internet how is your daily diary to be released to your adoring masses?" This was indeed a fix and a half, thought Fredcat. "Call Ianeyes, then," he demanded, "and ask him to come over as a matter of extreme urgency; he knows about these things, you know."

And sure enough, Ianeyes did know about these things. The problem turned out to be a faulty router. Mr. B. hung his head in shame, Cathie glowered at him for being so inept and Fredcat, well, he just got wet again as he had to pop outside. Serve him right for being so testy. But at least his diary was ready for publishing in good time. Phew!

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September 8th 2004

Daffodils for Spring Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had left for work and Fredcat was resting at home with Mr. B. "You realise that I changed my name yesterday," The Famous One said, "although I am beginning to agree with Cathie that "Fredcat Horatio Thorndyke IX" is a bit of a mouthful, even if it is undoubtedly unique."

"A shorter moniker is needed so my nickname from now onwards is Mr. Fred. I like the sound of that." And the mighty moggie turned in a circle to admire all parts of himself.

Mr. B. looked at the primping puss in a rather distracted manner, and commented dryly, "Mr. Fred sounds very much like the Mr. Ed of TV fame of yesteryear. If I recall correctly he was a horse, who also talked too much (even had his own telephone) and was also pretty vain. Is that how you want to be remembered? As a equine lookalike?"

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September 7th 2004

Fredcat Horatio Thorndyke IX Large image

"I have noticed that quite a lot of actors, and people in the media industry generally, change their given names," remarked Fredcat. "As a famous feline I feel I must consider doing the same." "Sometimes they go for really outrageous monickers, but clearly the best ones are simple single words like Cher or Madonna."

"I also like names like Mr. T. of television fame (which I think is a bit presumptuous). And although I don't like admitting it, even our very own Mr. B. sounds a bit grand, even if it is a bit over the top for one so lowly."

"In the olden days, people of distinction were often given a large number of names, I think this was done so as not to upset any relatives on both sides of the family. Fancy having a grand evocative and romantic name like Bonnie Prince Charlie when your actual given names were Charles Edward Lois Casimire Silveste Severino Maria Stuart! What a mouthful. Imagine writing that lot down on application forms every time you had to fill one in!"

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September 6th 2004

Holidaying Labor Day cat Large image

"Today is Labor Day in the US," remarked Fredcat. "I am intrigued by the spelling as the loss of the letter U seems to take the glamour out of the word, making it sound rather harsh (as labouring really is, you know)." He sat back on his haunches, well satisfied with his remarkable sagacity. His best human friend, Cathie, was however singularly unimpressed.

"Work is work and labouring is labouring, however they are spelled," she said surlily. In England one has to go to work today but here in the good 'ole USA it is a public holiday for everyone. Well, almost everyone," she quickly amended. "There are always a few folk who have to labour on Labor Day. If you read the link above you will see how Labor Day came about, and who first thought of the idea," she added.

"I watched Mr. B. labouring today," said Fredcat, "he was digging some trenches around the edges of the lawn in a desperate attempt to stop the crab grass encroaching on the adjacent shrubbery. I see he has bought some very nasty poisonous stuff to kill off some of the weeds and crab grass on the lawn. I hope that you will kindly inform him that this stuff is dangerous to us cats and if I were to pop my clogs because of it I would come back and haunt him for the rest of his days."

Fredcat immediately started practicing on ways to haunt Mr. B. but Cathie soon put his mind to rest. "Don't worry, Fredcat," she soothed, any danger of that and it will be Mr. B. who will be learning the art of haunting, believe you me !!!"

"I must say," said Fredcat, cheering up quite a lot, "I have received some very nice support for my Open Front Door policy which I would like to see restored. My correspondents all think Mr. B. is a bit of a brute to introduce the Closed Front Door policy in the unilateral way he has."

"We will see in good time," promised Cathie, "perhaps we can come to a compromise later - when, for example, Mr. B. is off out for the evening," she added with a wicked gleam in her eye. Fredcat grinned, insouciantly, it was good to have the Cathie human person around, she could really make his life so grand ...

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September 4th 2004

Doorway-lounging days are over Large image

Fredcat was peeved. The butler (aka Mr. B.) had implemented a new Fredcat residential policy of keeping the front door closed. This was unreasonable, thought our mighty moggie, and he complained vociferously to his best human friend, Cathie.

"Every time I approach the front door to be let out, there he is, silently urging me to walk on through so that he can shut the door on my back as soon as possible," he said, "there is no longer the option of lazing in that delightful space between hallway and on the outside door mat, with the warmth of the house keeping my backside warm whilst I calmly survey the world outside."

Cathie thought that Fredcat was going on about this a bit too much but, nevertheless, she asked Mr. B. for an explanation. "Look here, Mr. B.," she began, "this is one of the few pleasures that Fredcat really enjoys and suddenly, without so much as a by-your-leave, it's been taken away from him. What's the problem?"

"The problem, as you put it, is bugs," replied the grumpy one. "Every time the door is opened to let your so-called famous feline out, it allows a swarm of bugs to fly in unmolested. Once upon a time, when Fredcat was small, he used to chase any house flies that he found and they soon disappeared. But now, he is far too sanguine about them to keep the numbers down."

"Well, there you have it," said Cathie later to a forlorn Fredcat, "the solution is in your paws, either have the door shut or keep the fly population down. Which is it to be? On balance, my dear," she continued, "I think Mr. B. does have a point, especially as he also reminded me that the house fly is more than partial to the cat meat we provide for you, and we don't want you getting sick from any fly-borne diseases, do we?"

"This is hopeless," thought Fredcat, "this is definitely someone else's problem and yet I am suffering whichever solution we adopt. Life is so unfair sometimes ..." Poor Fredcat ...

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September 3rd 2004

Hiding-out from Hurricane Frances Large image

"This is so utterly unreasonable," complained Fredcat, "these typhoons and hurricanes and tropical storms are occurring more frequently than even I expected when I emigrated here. Can't you do something about it? North Carolina was supposed to be a warm and peaceful place, with just the occasional spells of snow and rain to lighten up the days. Just fix it - now!" he demanded.

"This new hurricane is called Frances by the meteorological folk," said Fredcat, "I'm told that it will be pretty bad for those poor long-suffering souls in Florida who are still reeling after the last hurricane. Why is it that the worst hurricanes always end up being named after females?" he added, mischievously.

"Hold on there, you misogynist moggie, the last bad typhoon was called Charley, a male typhoon - if you please," said Cathie. "Though I must say that naming these acts of nature has no profound effects at all on them. They can all be devastating."

"On the other hand," continued Cathie, "the weather here, in between the winds and stuff, has been very benign. In fact I saw Mr. B. trenching around the lawns in the back garden; he was working extraordinarily hard and he deserved that cup of hot chocolate when he came in for a rest."

"Mr. B. working, and now due for a rest! He didn't do half of that digging!" exclaimed Fredcat, indignantly. "Look, I am the one that has been doing all the hard gardening work," and he demonstrated by trying to dig a hole in the earth next to the back door - but only succeeded in moving a couple of dead leaves sideways.

"OK, you're rather jealous, I can see that, you jumped up moggie, I think the sun has got to you a bit, so come inside and cool off with some of my best yoghurt," proffered Cathie. And that seemed such a good idea that Fredcat complied immediately and followed Cathie inside. Good for him!!

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September 2nd 2004

Speeding Fredcat? No way! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had taken the telephone call. It was Cathie's friend (who shall be nameless to protect her) complaining bitterly about being caught speeding by one of the new CCTV cameras. "I was only going a little bit fast," she had cried, but, truth be told, there was a great deal of difference between her definition of "a little bit fast" and those of the people who assessed her speed from the CCTV footage.

"These CCTV cameras seem to be everywhere," noted Fredcat, "I am so glad I am not a motorist. Mind you, I never want to get in a car again, you understand." He shuddered at the thought of the times recently when he was being driven to and fro to the v*t's office - incessantly it seemed.

"There are so many (thousands and thousands!) of these cameras about now that we are fast approaching the famous (George) Orwellian State when everyone was reportedly being watched for very second of every day," agreed Cathie. "Now I think it's a good idea to catch villains in the process of carrying out their crimes but it can make even the normal human a bit paranoid to see these TV robots turning to follow them as one walks down the mall, innocently shopping."

"Definitely eerie," smiled Fredcat. "Do you think we could have one of these cameras installed here? I think the Fredcat residence would be enhanced by a posh camera swivelling around watching little me all day. My entrances and exits would be well worth recording. I would be a Star in my own home!"

"But then again," he frowned, "come to think of it, I am already a famous feline, so why do I need a TV camera to remind me of that fact? It could have one special use though," he amended, "whenever that grumpy Mr. B. forgot to put out my beef meal on time, there would be irrefutable evidence of his tardy behaviour."

"By the way," he said, later, "whatever happened to your friend? Did she receive a fine?"

"Oh yes," replied Cathie, "but her husband paid, so that was all right!"

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September 1st 2004

Duplicate world Fredcat? Large image

It was the end of the month and Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was examining her paycheck. "Look," she said, "I've an extra few dollars in the bank this month (what with it being my birthday a couple a of days ago) what shall I buy with it, Fredcat?" "How about a telescope?" suggested Fredcat, "you're always on the lookout for new worlds to conquer," he snickered.

"Now that's a good idea," said Cathie, "did you know that there have been a lot of new discoveries made by scientists (of course) recently. Why, there have been a number of reports that some new earth-like planets have been found orbiting some distant star systems!"

"Do you think there is any form of life on these planets?" enquired Fredcat, "it would be fascinating knowing that there were cats on those planets that could communicate with us felines here on planet Earth."

"I think it's going to be very hard to find the right conditions for life (as we know it) to exist on these other planets," said Cathie, "the temperatures are most inhospitable there. On the other hand," she mused, "our temperatures might be correspondingly inhospitable to life forms from other planets, no?"

"Yes, but just suppose that we did find a planet with conditions suitable for human life - could there, for example, be another Cathie there?" said Fredcat. "Good grief, I hope not," muttered Mr. B. butting in from the background, "fancy being nagged to do the washing-up by two such beings - and what would be even worse, having two or more Fredcats demanding food at all hours, not just at 6 a.m. These multitudinous Fredcats would be queuing up to be fed all day and night long!"

He continued, "Just one cat and one Cathie is ..." "That's enough!" scolded Cathie, "I haven't noticed any cups of tea appearing recently, nor has the Sweetie One been fed his cold beef mix this morning - so why don't you hop to it and we'll talk about duplicate life forms when I've seen a bit of life in you ..." Oh dear, oh dear. Someone was on form today, and no mistake ...

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