Friday, September 30th 2005 (number 636)

Workplace Fredcat Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was getting ready to go to work. Mr. B. sat sipping his tea, wishing he could get back to bed quickly, whilst pretending to help Cathie get her things together. Fredcat eyed the smartly-suited Cathie and said, "I suppose that going to work is an essential part of a human's life. Everyone seems to do it. Except Mr. B.," he added, looking at the vacant-eyed Grumpy One who was was already nodding off in his easy chair.

"I wouldn't mind a day out at work," the Famous One said suddenly, "It would make a change from being bored here all day."

"Well, I understand that it's possible for parents to take their children to work on one particular day of the year, so that the young ones can get a taste of what their parents do for a living," Cathie replied. She looked sternly at Fredcat, "Hmmm ..., no matter how I dress you up in human clothes I doubt if you'd be able to pass yourelf off as a human child for a whole day, Fredcat."

"That depends on how you get in and where you go after that," Fredcat replied, "Do you have a lift to get to your own office?" Cathie shook her head. "I drive myself to work," she said, "but fortunately the office itself is on the ground floor so I have no lifts to negotiate." "What about other creatures - other than cats?" demanded Fredcat, "If cats can't go then I surely expect that d*gs are not allowed!" He shuddered, "It wouldn't do to have those creatures stealing a march on my feline friends and I."

"No, no other creatures," confirmed Cathie, "Apart from the very occasional seeing eye d*g. And you can't object to that!"

"What about mice? Could they get in? They're so small that nobody would notice their being there - and they can cause all sorts of trouble!" pressed Fredcat. But again the answer was in the negative. Fredcat mulled this over and then asked Cathie what she actually did when she got into work but he was surprised when she became rather evasive. "Oh, just stuff," she said. The Famous One looked keenly at her. This was not the usual positive Cathie who had firm opinions on all sorts of interesting matters.

"OK ... But do you use a printer, like at home?" he asked, pursuing the subject relentlessly. Cathie realised that she could not shake him off, so she quickly pulled a sheet of paper from her briefcase and gave it to Fredcat, saying, with a smile, "Well you could always provide your readers with one example of what I can do. You could do this for your own famous website, if you like! Your readers would be surprised." And, chuckling, she strolled off to her car with Mr. B. hobbling behind her, carrying her briefcase. "See you all for tea!" she said, as she drove away into the darkness.

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Thursday, September 29th 2005 (number 635)

Fredcat's boring day! Large image

Fredcat was left to kick his heels all day. His best human friend, Cathie, was out at work and of Mr. B. there was no sign. When the telephone rang Fredcat leapt to his four paws but after a few rings the answering machine kicked in and he was left listening to a disembodied voice from a telephone salesman. You know the sort of thing, "I'm selling something which is the best thing since sliced bread ..." When Cathie finally came in Fredcat was all over her. "I'm hungry! Where's Mr. B. got to? Why have you been so long? And, most importantly, where's my dinner? And my tea?"

"Look here, Fredcat," said Cathie, "You're worse than any human child, please let me get in and get myself a cup of tea first before you continue with your barrage of questions." Fredcat sulked in a corner. "But I'm really important," he muttered, more to himself than to his best human friend. The latter, however, had sharp ears and rounded on Fredcat. "You know, no matter how famous you are you just have to get your head around the fact that not everyone in the world thinks you're Number One, and not everyone is as me, me, me, or I, I, I orientated as you are."

Fredcat looked at Cathie, aghast. What was this? The whole world didn't revolve around the Famous One? That can't be so, surely? He stomped off in disgust and decided to read about his friends in Cat Town. They now had a special cat radio station in their town and were sensible cats, not like these pets in uniform. What could a feline possibly gain from dressing up in uniform? There couldn't be any food in that, surely?

Now, of course, once started, Fredcat couldn't stop thinking about food. Today was Michelmas Day, with all that that entailed. According to what Fredcat had read it entailed the eating of a goose because that was supposed to protect against financial need for the next 12 months. Protecting against financial need sounded like a good thing, Fredcat mewsed, if he had that then he could arrange for better staff who wouldn't leave him starving on his own until someone returned from wherever she had been. And where was the Grumpy One? Fredcat shook his famous head and departed on what he hoped wouldn't be a Michaelmas (wild) goose chase.

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Wednesday, September 28th 2005 (number 634)

Computer-challenged cat! Large image

Fredcat was concerned. His residence was not running as it should run - the atmosphere seemed to be different, but he couldn't quite put his paw on the reason why. On the surface, everything was normal - his food was being served on time, his iced water was served at just the right temperature, but ...

He sighed. "Maybe it's because it's autumn, now," he mewsed, "Perhaps that's it?" He pulled himself together and decided that the time had come to be proactive - he would explore his computer. After all, his best human friend, Cathie, loved being on her computer - she was forever laughing at things she found there. He put on his best exploring head, and set to.

He started by checking his e-mails, and was happy to see an e-mail arrive from his good friend, Mr. DeF - e-mails from that particular gentleman were always fun to read. "I'll address that later," he said to Cathie, "but first I must explore this new thing I've found. Look - we need to get the Grumpy One to use this - it backs up everything on the interwebs onto your computer! Every single thing! If Mr. B. were to use this, he'd never lose one of my famous diary entries ever again!" Cathie smiled, and left Fredcat to his own devices - after all, not much could go wrong, could it?

But the best laid plans of mice and men ... A series of plaintive mews soon had Cathie running upstairs to see what the problem was. She found the Famous One staring at the computer screen with an expression of horror well known to those who use computers. "I've broken it! I've broken the interwebs!" he moaned. Cathie hastened to soothe him. "No, little one, don't worry. The stupid computer's just frozen again. If we turn it off and turn it on again it will soon recover from its hissy fit, and all will be well", and she proceeded to do just that.

With the computer working again, Fredcat pronounced himself calm and, turning to Cathie, asked, "Why does that happen? And why doesn't the Grumpy One stop it happening?" Cathie laughed. "They're stupid questions, Fredcat, and are well-suited to today being "Ask A Stupid Question Day". Computers seem to have a mind of their own; the Grumpy One knows that, and works with it. If you are to be a successful computer user, you'll just have to adopt the same attitude, my friend. Or buy a better computer!"

Fredcat listened gravely, and decided to take heed of her words and leave the computer alone for a while. After all, his human friends were able to produce his mewsings and turn them into diary entries without (many) problems. Computers were stupid, sometimes. And he wandered off for a restorative bite to eat.

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Tuesday, September 27th 2005 (number 633)

Visionary Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat watched with surprise as his best human friend, Cathie, made preparations for her annual visit to the optician's office. "Why do you need to have your vision tested, Cathie?" he asked her, "All you need to be able to do is to see into the fridge to get my packets of cold meat and to read the instructions on the labels on my box of cat biscuits."

"Well, that's not quite right, unfortunately," said Cathie, "These instructions are frequently printed in very small print and humans' eyes tend to be become less efficient as we get older. You wouldn't want me to give you the wrong food - like, for example, diced carrots instead of beef chunks, would you? Or to put sand in my sandwiches insted of salt?"

"No, thank you," replied Fredcat with a shudder, "but what happens when you visit the optician's office? Is it anything like going to the v*t's office?" he asked, warily. "Not at all," replied Cathie, "It's the eyes that are examined, not our delicate inside parts. The optician takes loads of measurements and, using that information, will provide one with spectacles designed to correct any deficencies in our vision."

"One of the best parts about going to the optician's office is that one gets to try out different spectacle frames," she continued, "It's a huge boost to one's morale if one leaves the optician's office with a brand new, attractive, and fashionable pair of seeing-eyes."

"Thank goodness my eyesight is perfect," said Fredcat, "But when is Mr. B. going to go to the optician's office?" he continued, with some passion, "I think he's becoming both forgetful and a little bit blind when I consider the portion sizes he gives me. The other day there was no meat at all in my bowl! And my biscuits were several days old and decidedly stale. If he had better eyesight my life would be considerably improved, methinks."

"What a nerve! You poor thing, Fredcat. And after all the troubles you've had recently, with having to change your food! That lazybones of a Grumpy One will be given a talking-to just as soon as he gets back from the shopping," exclaimed Cathie. "So you'll see about that soon then," said Fredcat with a malicious chuckle and went off to have a long lie down. His work here was done ...

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Monday, September 26th 2005 (number 632)

Falling temperatures! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was shivering, as were Fredcat and Mr. B. "May we have the central heating back on now?" demanded the Famous One, "I'm certainly not going out onto the screened porch in this cool weather - even inside the Fredcat residence it's far too cold." He glared at Mr. B.; it was obvious that the Grumpy One was holding out until the last possible minute before spending money on heating the Fredcat residence.

"You must realise that money doesn't grow on trees," rebuked Mr. B. sharply, "You don't bring in any income and we have to budget carefully or this household will quickly go under." Fredcat looked at him, scornfully. "What rubbish," he exclaimed, "I don't have to bring in money and stuff - you, in particular, benefit by basking in my reflected glory. Without me you'd be a complete non-entity!" And he rubbed his furry front paws together briskly.

Cathie chimed in, "Without agreeing in any way with the Famous One's line of logic, I cannot for a moment think that you really are so insensitive as to belittle all that Mr. B. does for you, Fredcat. The fact is that I am cold and I really need to warm my bones."

Faced with this two-pronged attack, Mr. B. reluctantly turned the central heating on at its lowest level. Cathie knew that he would do precisely that and nipped out quickly to the hall and smartly turned the thermostat way up high until the fur on Fredcat's back began to spread out in the warm flow of heated air.

"I really don't understand it," said Mr. B., "All this summer we've had the air conditioning on until the room's been almost at the freezing level and yet as soon as the temperature drops a few degrees - BANG! - on comes the central heating." And he sneezed, twice.

"What's up with you?" said Fredcat. "I thought I was the only one around here that did that sort of thing."

Cathie grinned, "I think he's getting a cold in the head!" She turned to Fredcat and winked. "Do you think this cold in the head has anything to do with the fancy close-cropped haircut he had yesterday?" And they both roared with laughter as Mr. B. scowled. Hmmm...

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Saturday, September 24th 2005 (number 631)

Hirsute Fredcat! Large image

Mr. B. had been gone for hours. When he returned the Famous One looked at him in amazement and said, "What were you thinking of? You look like a right lazy layabout." But the Grumpy One was very pleased with his new haircut and said so. Oddly, Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was also pleased - which puzzled Our Hero. "Are you sure you like that?" he asked, pointing to a very large area of the Grumpy One's head where, apparently, no hair grew at all. I ...," and there he stopped, in total confusion.

Cathie quickly came to Fredcat's rescue, "How a human wears their hair is entirely up to that person," she said gently, "Even if you think that said hair style is a great source of amusement!" This comment surprised Mr. B., who looked suspiciously at Cathie, but he let it pass. "Of course Fredcat here has never had a haircut in his life," she said, "except when he had his his fur shaved for medical reasons."

"But Mr. B. isn't ill," said Fredcat, "It's lucky for me that he remains so healthy because I need a regular supply of food - and, for all his faults, he does keep my food bowls well supplied." He looked gratefully at the Grumpy One.

"The reason that I'm smartening myself up is because I have an important meeting coming up and I need to look my best," said Mr. B., but this statement elicited only a tiny smile from Cathie (from behind a closed hand) and a slight chuckle from Fredcat.

"I know some folk that don't need haircuts at all," said Fredcat slowly, "I'm sure any barber would find giving this chap a hair trim quite a challenge. Lucky for me that I'm not a d*g as many of those unfortunate creatures have to have their trimmed as part of their showroom work. But we felines are a law unto ourselves." And Fredcat sauntered off in case Cathie took a shine to the idea of clipping a few hairs from his lustrous head.

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Friday, September 23rd 2005 (number 630)

Ecstatic Fredcat! Large image

"I think you're absolutely amazing," said a smiling Fredcat to his best human friend, Cathie. "You've found my Tuesday diary entry on the intarwebs! I'm very, very pleased with you." Cathie basked happily in Fredcat's unabashed adulation. This was to be expected really; Fredcat and she had an apparently symbiotic relationship and this was the icing on the cake for both of them.

"How did you do it? Please tell!" asked Fredcat, hopping around daintily on both pairs of paws in a rare display of feline dancing. But Cathie lowered her eyes demurely, and declined to answer fully. When she realised that her moment in the limelight appeared to be fading, she quickly replied, "I asked my (mostly male) friends on the intarweb but they only came up with some rather silly (and sarcastic) comments. So then I thought of tackling it myself - and hey, presto! I found a copy of your full diary containing the lost Tuesday entry!"

She paused for applause (which, it must be said, never materialised) and continued, "I gave the copy to Mr. B. and he only had to retype it all in, complete with references to your famous pictures, add captions, floating captions, and all the links, and there you are, Fredcat. Fully restored and twice as beautiful!!"

It was clear that Cathie was in a very good mood but the Grumpy One was less amused. "It's all very well for you to do the clever stuff," he said crossly, "But I'm the one who has to slave away trying to make sense of the Feline Terror's ramblings (otherwise known as his diary). I have no spell checker and it all has to be typed in by hand, you know - and then amended over and over again when some moggy remembers bits which he forgot to dictate to me originally. It's not surprising some of the these items get lost - it's only surprising that even more don't get lost."

"Don't take any notice of him, Fredcat," Cathie said to her friend, "You're not a Feline Terror you're a Wonderful One. Actually I'll give Mr. B. a nice chunk of his favourite bar of milk chocolate from my secret cache and he'll soon be fine again." Privately she thought that Mr. B. was complaining a tad overmuch and all she wanted to do was to get back to the warm glow of her Fredcat's admiration. But a little bit of chocolate always helped to lessen the Grumpy One's temper ....

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Thursday, September 22nd 2005 (number 629)

Crosspatch Fredcat! Large image

"What do you mean you've lost my Tuesday diary entry!" said Fredcat. He was very angry. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was also not best pleased. "That's two you've lost in the last two years," chunnered Fredcat, "I can't allow that to happen, my public expects me to be both famous and efficient." He went and sat in the corner of the room and simmered, whilst Mr. B. sat helplessly staring at the blank PC screen.

"The problem is that my PC is now five years old and it displays some very strange quirks when I least expect it," said Mr. B. He was not at all the fearsome Grumpy One of old, more like a Meek-and-Mild One. That cut no ice with Fredcat. "If you looked after your PC it would last for years and years," he stated firmly.

"On the other hand, it might be a good idea to purchase a new one; they can't be that expensive nowadays," said Fredcat, "These newer machine are bound to have lots of additional bells and whistles that would amaze you. New hardware and new software would be just right. Remember not everything that five year's old needs to be replaced!" And Fredcat looked very meaningfully at Mr. B.

"I suppose so," sighed Mr. B., but Cathie only muttered the magic words, "We'll see."

"Magic words? I like words, me" said Fredcat, "I see that some kindly person has listed the most common 86,800 words so that one can see which words are used most frequently. Just type in a word and see where it is in the list. The most common word is the of course, which is why I have it in my name Fredcat the Famous. Fredcat, on the other hand, is very uncommon and is rarely seen in normal use." He smirked, "Of course it's uncommon because I'm a very rare person!" He preened himself outrageously.

But Mr. B. had the last word, "I see that there's one popular word that's even more common than cat," he said. "What's that?" asked Fredcat, innocently. "D*G," yelled Mr. B. quickly, and he shot out of the room before Fredcat could exact any revenge.

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Wednesday, September 21st 2005 (number 628)

Concentrating Fredcat! Large image

"Don't these hurricanes ever stop?" complained Fredcat, "Now it's one called Rita. I see that the poor meteorology people are considering extra names for hurricanes because they've had to think of the possibility of some new names for them as they are about to run out of the letters of the alphabet!" He set to thinking about this; his ginger and white tail moved to and fro in a circle as he concentrated (heavy feline concentration causes that, you know).

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, interrupted his deep thoughts. "I understand that they'll simply use Greek letters to name future hurricanes if they run out of normal letters, Fredcat - Alpha, and then Beta, and so on, using the Greek alphabet," she remarked, "Not very imaginative, I'd say." Everyone in the Fredcat residence nodded their heads in agreement.

Fredcat piped up, "I've got it! These hurricanes are awful events and I know nothing more awful than d*gs," he said loudly, "Why not just name 'em after d*gs?" And he was so pleased with himself that he didn't even notice that his food bowl was almost empty. Cathie looked at him in wry amusement, and said, "We all need d*gs, Fredcat - they make the world go round, you know. Even some felines have their own particular d*ggy friends - but said d*g would have to be very special to be friends with a cat."

"Yes, indeed," chipped in Mr. B., "I have it on good authority that this week is the nominated National D*g Week, so we all have to be kind to canines." Cathie added as an aside, "Even though they can't be as famous as your are, Fredcat," and she gave him a big hug.

"Well it's lucky for you that I don't know the names of any nasty d*gs around here," said Fredcat, "or the weather forecaster chappie'd be receiving a call from Yours Truly volunteering a name for the next hurricane. That is, of course, if you'd kindly place said call for me and then put it on the ansaphone," he added quickly, "My paws are not really up to pressing buttons; they are far more attuned to catching mice and holding fast onto my food." At which point he entirely forgot about hurricanes and d*gs and thought seriously about food one more - Fickle Famous Feline, that he is ...

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Tuesday, September 20th 2005 (number 627)

Grafitti Challenges! Large image

Apparently it was election time in a number of countries. It seemed to be following a similar pattern to elections in the US and the UK, with some human or other stating that he (or she) was going to change the world for the better for everyone. "If only they would leave it to we cats," thought Fredcat, "We know how to get things moving along - and we don't make a big song and dance about it."

"I think not! stated Mr. B., "What do you felines know about running a country? If we left it to you lot we would be knee deep in cat food with precious little effort put into the production of human food. Would you be able to grow tomatoes like I do?" he added, boasting a little. (Indeed Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had been knee deep in red tomatoes ever since the Grumpy One had decided to buy some tomato plants last spring.) "And instead of chocolate biscuits we'd find ourselves having to chow down on hard cat biscuits. No thank you very much!"

"Actually, the tomatoes were very nice," remarked Cathie, carefully, "but they have limited appeal; What would have been nice would have been some freshly baked loaves on a daily basis, all year round." Mr. B. changed the subject hastily - growing tomatoes was one thing but baking, ugh! "Hey, let's get back to this electioneering stuff," he said, hastily, "I like looking at the posters proclaiming what each candidate is going to do for the voters. Some of them are bizarre." Fredcat looked more closely at the TV screen. "What are they?" he asked, pointing.

That, my dear chap, is simply graffiti," said Mr. B. with his usual know-it-all face. "Some people simply chalk up their slogans on a spare wall and hope that other voters will notice. It's simply a graffiti wall . Fredcat was most impressed. "You mean that all I have to do is write my name on a wall and it will be seen by hundreds of people? That's a great idea! Buy me some orange and white chalk please, I need to set to work and produce some graffiti in my specially famous colours."

"Hey, hey, Fredcat, I think not!" Cathie gently remonstrated, "I'm not having the walls of the Fredcat residence covered in coloured chalk nor are you to hop outside and start chalking up slogans on any other walls in the subdivision. It would soon get out of hand and we'd be asked to clean it all up. Just stick to your Fredcat the Famous diary entries, there are many readers out there who will tell other readers about your website if they want to. OK?!" And she looked meaningfully at the two males who bowed their heads sheepishly. "Now for some nice tea," she said, and two heads bobbed back up; this was much better.

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Monday, September 19th 2005 (number 626)

Nutritionally-fed Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was anxiously waiting for Mr. B. The very tired Grumpy One was coming down the stairs so slowly that Fredcat had time to race up and down (twice!) in an effort to persuade him to get a move on. "This weather is really tiring me out," sighed the humorless human, "I just need to sleep a bit more." He was moving even more slowly.

"Come on! Come on!" yelled Fredcat, "Only three more steps, two, one, now you're at the ground zero, turn into the kitchen and open the door - that's good. Take out a new tin of Special Food For Famous Cats we got from the v*t's office - and a fresh saucer - I much prefer a new clean one if you don't mind. Quick, dish it out, bring it here and place it on the floor - then you can hop it! I like my privacy when I'm having my breakfast. Thank you!"

Mr. B. gazed admiringly at the rapidly-disappearing plate of so-called Special Food For Famous Cats and thought to himself that the turn-around in Fredcat's health was absolutely amazing. "This new food prescribed by Dr. H. is really the cat's whiskers," mewsed Mr. B., as he watched the pile of v*t food vanish inside the Mighty One. "Ooharrrrr!" he added, in an attempt at an accent that would have certainly disgrace any half-way decent pirate. (Mr. B. had been reminded that, once again, it was Talk (or Sing) like a Pirate Day and had been told by Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, to practice his seafaring accent.)

Having finished his breakfast, Fredcat went out for his morning constitutional and when he returned Mr. B. was sitting at his PC playing some silly game of Solitaire. "It's to keep my brain active," he said (hoping that Fredcat would believe him). Fredcat solemnly took the controls from him and advised that he had a game for the Grumpy One that would be just right for the latter's level of 'brights' this morning. "Just follow the instructions," he said, "You won't go far wrong. Meanwhile, I'm off for a quiet snooze." And he wandered off, grinned rather unkindly.

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Saturday, September 17th 2005 (number 625)

Websites just for cats! Large image

"Have you seen the news? A whole new website suffix .cat has been approved for use!" said Fredcat excitedly, "This mean that you humans will be able to find very easily websites which are all about we felines. I'll ... I mean, we felines will be even more famous! Come one, come on - let's do it!!!" "I'm considering having a Fredcat.cat site instead of my Fredcat.net website. It would show me in a wonderful new light!" He danced about a bit from side to side, using both pairs of paws in a somewhat ungainly fashion.

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, took a closer look at the news item. "I'm afraid that you've been misled," she dryly informed him. "The .cat suffix has been approved for use, but it's not for felines (famous or otherwise) - it's for the Catalan language and culture." Fredcat snorted, "Why has this request been granted when I'm sure that there must be many more cat websites around than all the Catalan folk who could possible use this new suffix." He was not best pleased.

He continued, "Thank goodness they've not yet decided to have a .d*g suffix for d*g websites; that'd be a huge slap in the face for we felines." He gazed distractedly at the computer screen. "Let's see, what's this, hmmm ... A Czech town has decided to build a bridge for squirrels to save my friends from being run over by vehicles.

"Squirrels? What's with all the squirrels lately?" demanded Mr. B. "It's been squirrels all week with you." And he stomped about a bit. "Well, yes," replied Fredcat, smoothly, "In fact it has been squirrel week, all week, so there!" Fredcat walked proudly to his food bowl. He did feel some affection for squirrels - and had ever since he had met his old friend Squire. Everyone must have friends!

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Friday, September 16th 2005 (number 624)

Psychosomatic cat Large image

The telephone rang; it was the v*t's office. Fredcat listened in as his best human friend, Cathie, answered. There were a few "Yes"s and "No"s and then a huge smile lit up her face. "You mean that the Famous One's BUN and creatinine tests have shown that he is a healthy cat?" she exclaimed, "That's great news! Did you hear that?" she said, turning to the Mighty One, "You are just as healthy as healthy could be."

Fredcat sniffed as if to say that he'd expected nothing less than a clean bill of health. Mr. B. was fuming. "What I saw in the v*t's office was nothing short of a disgrace," he thundered. "To look at you now you'd think that butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, yet yesterday you were apparently at death's door!" Cathie shot him a dark look in return, "Don't ever say such things about poor Fredcat," she said crossly, "He will live forever, he's indestructible!" and she gave him a huge cuddle.

But Mr. B. was not finished. "Can't you see what's happening? He's either feeding us a huge line just to get sympathy or he's the most psychosomatic cat I've ever seen." The Grumpy One made a "Grrr" sound and then lapsed into silence whilst Fredcat simply laid down and sighed contentedly. This was fun, seeing the humans battling it out over him. He was the centre of attention yet again. He quietly looked at the sympathy e-cards he had received and nodded his head. You could fool most of the people most of the time.

In the background Mr. B. had started up again, "Look at the food tins that the kindly v*t offered him to try out. He's demolished both of them in record time. I almost had to unzip his mouth from the second tin! And the cost of it all ..."

But Cathie was totally unrepentant. "Fredcat is priceless, so stop trying to measure his value in monetary terms. So there!" And Fredcat grinned his famous grin which outshone any other feline smile and smiled even more contentedly. "It'll be a far-off day if Mr. B. ever gets the better of Cathie and me," he thought. He settled more comfortably in Cathie's arms as she scratched his back. "Higher," he said, "now just a bit to the left, now to the right, no, to the right ..." and he purred.

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Thursday, September 15th 2005 (number 623)

Dehydrated Darling Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, frowned. She was convinced that Fredcat was getting slimmer and so she made an appointment to take the Mighty One to the v*t. Fredcat, of course, immediately objected to this, "Come on, Cathie," he glared, "whenever you lose a few pounds of your body weight you dance around the house in delight, why are you so glum when I lose just a few ounces?"

Mr. B. quickly took Fredcat to one side, "Look here, old chap," he began, "There's a code of conduct when you talk to members of the opposite gender about body weight; it's not considered polite to even mention it and never answer if they pose a question directly on the subject either. You see, if you say something apparently helpful like "You're looking a lot slimmer," Cathie immediately worries that she probably looked a lot worse a few days ago - and that's bad. But if you are silly enough to indicate in any way that she's gained a little weight - then look out for flying dustbins. It's all very tricky you know."

But Fredcat was more concerned with the prospect of visiting the v*t than worrying about Cathie's weight. He was soon whisked off to the v*t's office where Amy asked all sorts of questions about the Maestro's health. There was also a certain amount of prodding and poking which Fredcat insisted be discreetly glossed over in his daily diary. He emerged from the exam somewhat shaken and a little forlorn. Dr H. also gave him a good look over and pronounced him slightly dehydrated. This despite the four water bowls placed around the Fredcat residence! "We need to take a quick blood sample to test his BUN and creatinine levels," he said, but only Cathie understood what they meant and she remained silent on the subject.

Fredcat was then given a nice injection of water - which perked him up no end! As a test of his mobility skills, Dr. H. gave the Famous One a set of walking tests to perform and (as you would guess), Fredcat passed, with flying colours. Before he left the surgery he also found the time to have his claws clipped, "I presume this is a Pawdicure," he grinned, "it was quite nice really and saved me a job on my scratching tree."

A little later he vanished and was to be found sat at his computer, working away with great concentration. He eventually emerged from the study bearing a large poster, which he mounted on a pole and carried down to the end of the drive. To Cathie's puzzlement, he was shortly afterwards to be seen marching up and down in front of the drive, dragging said poster behind him. What was written on the poster, Dear Reader? NO MORE V*T VISITS! on one side, and on the other, MORE FOOD FOR FAMOUS CATS! This famous feline certainly believes in getting his message across, no?!

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Wednesday, September 14th 2005 (number 622)

Satellite-watcher cat! Large image

Fredcat stopped grooming himself for a moment. "Am I big or am I small?" he asked. Mr. B. spluttered into his morning cup of coffee. "What sort of a question is that," he cried, "I wish you'd keep these difficult questions to yourself until I've finished my breakfast." "I didn't think a cup of coffee was breakfast, you finished the eating part of it half an hour ago," quibbled Fredcat."

"Well, I suppose you're just of average size," said Mr. B., looking Fredcat over in a calculating manner, "Though, as we saw yesterday, your weight can vary quite quickly. There are many kittens that would make you look puny, but, equally, there are any number of kittens that would seem Lilliputian compared to you." Mr. B. sat back with a smirk, he liked to pontificate on lofty matters to Fredcat; it gave him an (unwarranted) air of superiority.

But Fredcat was (as usual) paying him little heed. He was examining a picture of the Earth as seen from a geo-stationery satellite. One shot in particular showed quite clearly that a very large part of the Earth's surface was covered with water. "I suppose this is the very same water that engulfed New Orleans," he sighed, "but the size of the Earth makes me feel a bit small, if you know what I mean."

He sighed again, "It's strange to think that when I was a tiny kitten I didn't consider for one moment about how big or small I was, or how large the universe was that I was living in. My only concern was to be fed as frequently as possible." He was stopped in mid-stride by Mr. B. who said, wryly, "And you're still eating at the same rate now as then!"

Mind you, I think your best human friend, Cathie, is planning to take you to the v*t's office again, your insides are still not right and we need to do something about it." But Fredcat had quietly disappeared. The mere mention of a visit to the v*t's office was enough to send him scampering.

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Tuesday, September 13th 2005 (number 621)

International Chocolate Day cat! Large image

Mr. B. was in fine form. Smiling, yes smiling, his grin spreading from ear to ear, he looked at Fredcat in a kindly manner and declared, "It's International Chocolate Day today. It's the day I get to eat nothing other than international chunks of delicious chocolate." "Just imagine, Fredcat," he continued, "if you could choose any food you liked and have it served up to you all day long, as much as you liked, think how happy that would make you!"

"Just imagine, Fredcat," he continued, "if you could choose any food you liked and have it served up to you all day long, as much as you liked, think how happy that would make you!"

Fredcat didn't have to think long about that. All sorts of possible meals floated in front of his dreaming eyes. But he came to with a jolt. "Just a minute, how come you can have an International Chocolate Day while we felines have to abide by rules set by you humans and accept the usually unsavourary food you allow us to have?!"

But Mr. B. was chortling anew. "In that link above," he laughed, "there are, apparently, over thirty special chocolate-related days! I should write them down in my diary so I don't miss any of them." And he wandered off, chuckling.

When Fredcat told his best human friend, Cathie, about it all, she frowned, looked carefully at the Mighty One and said surprisingly, "I think that you've lost some weight, I need to take you to the v*t's for a weight check." Gulp, went the Fredcat throat, but his attempts to flee were thwarted by Cathie who scooped him up and "escorted" him to the car. "Meow," went the Fredcat voice about forty times on the way to the v*t's office."

Once inside, Fredcat was placed on the scales. "Hmmm, you've lost nearly 13 ounces since the earlier part of the year but (oddly and pleasingly) you've lost no more weight since then," muttered Cathie. "I think you're a bit of an attention seeker you know." "I'm sure I need fattening up," pleaded Fredcat, "this dry biscuit diet is not for me, I need good wholesome meat."

"OK, I guess you're right," agreed Cathie, "I'll get Mr. B. to put out a fresh dish of beef and chicken mix, that should see you through the next twenty four hours." Then she went off to check on Mr. B. who had a definite bout of (chocolate-related?) stomach ache. Well, well!

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Monday, September 12th 2005 (number 620)

Squirrels everywhere! Large image

Fredcat looked hard at the computer screen. There, in full colour, was a picture of a cat which had been reunited with its best human friend. Miss Kitty was already a celebrity and a tiny streak of jealousy flitted across the Famous One's brow. "Why did this lucky kitten get this sort of notoriety when I, clearly the most famous feline the world has ever known, get so little universal attention? Harrumph!"

"Fredcat, Miss Kitty is famous because she was lost because of Hurricane Katrina - and she's now been found," said his best human friend, Cathie, scratching the back of his head.

"Well, I bet if I were lost and found a couple of days later, I wouldn't find myself in the national papers," he said grumpily. Cathie, looked him straight in the eye, "Hold on there, boy!" she said, with a touch of steel in her voice, "You were featured in the newspapers and you didn't even have to be lost or found, so please keep your annoyance down to a dull roar and get on with your day job of keeping the mice population down." And she swept from the room.

Fredcat sighed; sometimes being overly famous was a big problem. Squirrels were another problem (although, it must be said, they didn't get nearly as much attention). Squirrels seemed to be all over the news recently - some folk were determined to keep alive a population of red squirrels by establishing a sanctuary for them near to where the Famous One used to live. It seemed to Fredcat that Man was sometimes very determined not to let nature take its course.

Some squirrels were even luckier and had a personal human to adopt them. "That's enough," said Mr. B., "I don't want to see or hear about squirrels again. It's bad enough having to co-exist with a hoity-toity cat; I'm not about to have this residence turned into a playground for squirrels. You can go and get your tea, while I read the newspaper to read about the latest exploits of my sporting heroes."

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Saturday, September 10th 2005 (number 619)

Solitude, sweet nothings! Large image

Fredcat woke Mr. B. promptly at 6 am but it didn't seem the same. Right now there was no fun in seeing the Grumpy One struggle downstairs in a dreamy state, reaching for the packet of meat and a new bag of crisp cat biscuits. Fredcat thought of going on a airplane trip himself, but immediately shuddered; airplanes and Fredcat didn't really mix.

He sought out his best human friend, Cathie. "I see that you've been given a stone copy of me, with colouring broadly like my famous ginger and white colouring," he said, "Frankly, on close inspection, it's not at all like me and I think you need to get a decent artist to work on it. I hear that Dr. Ken has some ideas about painting stone creatures and it would be a good idea to take this creature to him to give it a bit of a paintjob."

Cathie agreed, "It was a nice idea but somehow it went a bit wrong; it's decidedly the wrong colour with far too much deep orange and not enough pure white At least it hasn't changed colour overnight - like the white cat reported in this article!" Mr. B. almost chuckled and said, "I suspect fowl play, probably one of those chickens did it!" And he laughed even more loudly at his awful joke.

Fredcat was singularly unimpressed and, turning to Cathie, he asked her, "These gigantic solar flares coming from the sun disrupt communications, don't they?" He received a nod in reply. "Well then, if they hit my famous Fredcat site who will we get to fix it? We can't be doing with my Diary being unavailable for even a moment! Can we get Michael back from wherever he's flown back to - he was extremely useful around here - fixing things that the Grumpy One couldn't tackle, and he certainly seems to know a lot about mending stuff, you know. Can he come back? He could also address my dearth of chuck-a-chins!"

"I'm afraid not," said Cathie, "We'll just have to work out these problems ourselves. You direct, I'll solve the technical problems and provide the solution, and Mr. B. can join the relevant wires together. That way we'll all work as a team. Isn't that the best idea? And (surprisingly) Fredcat agreed.

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Friday, September 9th 2005 (number 618)

Departing visitors! Large image

It was time for the visitors to leave. Fredcat was very disappointed. He had become very attached to Michael and knew full well that his chances of getting additional scraps of decent grub were going to be limited once Michael left, and the Famous One desperately wanted him to stay.

"See here!" he said, winningly, "Is there any chance of you staying and um, the Grumpy One going in your place? I mean no disrespect to Mr. B. but he is very inattentive to my needs at times and he's very hard to wake in the mornings and I have noticed that you are a very bright and alert human who seems to rise and shine in the early hours - just like me."

"Well, thank you, Fredcat, but there is a problem with what you suggest," replied Michael, "You see, we have a number of felines - and a d*g - to look after when I get back to England and I think my loyalty lies with them. Anyway I think that Marg might have something to say about it if I stay on here, she fully expects me to carry all the shopping for her when we go out. It's all very complicated, but I regret I must decline your kind offer."

"No matter," sighed Fredcat, realistically, "I knew what the answer would be from the get-go. I suppose we must all make do with what we've got and just get on with it. I really don't fancy popping off to another human's house and turning that into my Famous Residence at this stage of my life. I've seen the misery caused by hurricane Katrina. Here are some details of how animals in that area are being rescued and cared for."

Fredcat sighed and decided to have a little sleep whilst the departing humans packed their bags. He would try for one last chuck-a-chin before they left.

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Thursday, September 8th 2005 (number 617)

Strolling Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat looked out at the passing humans taking their d*g for a walk. The canine (of the extra largus doggus variety) was pulling and tugging at his leash and the humans were struggling to keep up. "Surely there's a better way than that," remarked Fredcat, "no one seems to be getting any fun out of the exercise at all."

"Look!" he continued, "the d*g is straining with all his might to get free and the humans are trying to keep up with him, yet they're also trying to slow the pace down; it seems to me that if the humans were running at full speed then all involved would get proper exercise." Mr. B. hooted with laughter, "Oh yes, and when was the last time you took any exercise? You can hardly get to your food bowl nowadays without panting and puffing."

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, said, "Well, I've found this really smart stroller for cats. It allows lazy felines (like someone we know) to sit inside a closed-in section of the stroller (just like a human baby) yet, because of the plastic covers, said lazy feline can see everything around him. All the human helpers have to do is push the stroller around."

"What a great idea!" enthused Fredcat, "Please arrange to purchase one of these for me straight away - if not sooner. I'll be able to get out of my residence even when it rains, because I'll be well protected from the elements. And if the weather gets too warm I'll be able to settle back and have a quiet snooze. This stroller would have none of the disadvantages of cars; no noisy engine, no smelly gases and it would have a limited range so no visits to the v*t's office."

"By the way." he added, "It goes without saying that I'd want a few modifications to be installed. First I'd need some Go Faster stripes, and a pair of fluffy dice to hang from the rear view mirror that I'd have installed. I shall have to have a state of the art on-board communication system, that's a given. Don't forget cup holders for my drinks of water and milk, and twin exhausts for style (of course). Perhaps the budget could be extended to allow me to purchase a squeezy klaxon horn to ensure other traffic gets out of the way; I wouldn't want to be upstaged by any old toads that crossed my path you know."

Fredcat stopped when he saw a deadly gleam in Mr. B.'s eye. "On the other hand a nice piece of roast beef would do just as well," the former said, lamely, and trotted off to his food bowl. A dreamer to the end.

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Wednesday, September 7th 2005 (number 616)

Labradors? Errr, no thank you! Large image

The visitors had left around noon and Fredcat had settled down for a bit of piece and quiet. His stomach was empty but seemingly there was nothing that could be done about it. His best human friend, Cathie, had decided that the Fredcat innards had taken a bit of a battering recently and had prescribed total rest together with a very restricted diet.

As a result, every time that Fredcat saw or heard a human enter the dining area his ears perked up and he followed him or her at a fast pace around the kitchen hoping for some break in the conspiracy of imposed fasting. But, alas, it was to no avail - Cathie had imposed a 48 hour fast, to be alleviated only by sips of water and four - yes four! - cat biscuits every four hours. "Four biscuits!" glared Fredcat, "Do you realise that I will have only eaten twenty four biscuits in a whole day at this rate; even prisoners in dungeons get better grub that that! This is absolutely Machiavelian," he wailed and continued sulking for the next two hours.

Cathie smiled benignly, she was glad that he had learned his six times table at last but she stuck to her guns. Fredcat had clearly been suffering from a surfeit of rich food and even a fifte.. er five year old cat needed plenty of plain food with less of the rich grub that he had filched from the visitors at the dining table. "When things get better with you, we'll see," was all that Fredcat could obtain in way of concession.

Matters got worse when the visitors returned in the afternoon. "I can smell d*g!" spluttered Fredcat, "Where have you been?" Marg explained that they'd been to see Henry and Chance, a couple of d*gs who had, in fact, written to Fredcat in the past. "They are very well behaved canines," she said, "Michael enjoyed meeting them, and played catch with them for ages."

The Famous One was distraught and, try as she might, Cathie was unable to get him to perk up. Even Mr. B.'s opening up the BBQ and cooking some fillet steak was unable to raise the Famous Feline's spirits. Only when "someone" snuck a certain cat a tiny piece of steak did a certain cat's spirits rise a smidgeon. Fredcat forced down a mouthful or two. Perhaps tomorrow would be better. Then perhaps Cathie would take him off the enforced diet, he could eat what he liked, and all would be back to normal ...

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Tuesday, September 6th 2005 (number 615)

Rabbit-rescuing Fredcat! Large image

The noise outside Fredcat's residence told the Mighty One that the short public holiday was over and all the humans were returning to their place of toil. Large single-decker yellow buses were driving slowly by, picking up still-tired children (almost) ready for another school year. But, much to Fredcat's puzzlement, the humans inside the Famous One's residence were still sound asleep, snug in their beds.

Fredcat jumped up onto the bed where his best human friend, Cathie, was dreaming of winning the lottery (so that she could stop work altogether!) and urged her to get up and get ready for work. But the latter seemed to be not best pleased to see him so Our Hero went downstairs, all alone, to eat whatever was left of last night's biscuits.

He shook his head, and wondered what was amiss. With guests in the Fredcat residence, it seemed to him that the normal careful routine had gone awry. Cathie didn't go to work, the guests didn't go to work and Mr. B. had virtually given up doing anything sensible around the Famous Residence. Things were certainly getting very sloppy!

Later in the day, Fredcat was given plenty of cuddles as the humans made up for their earlier lack of companionship. But the Mighty One soon tired of this and he went off in search of something different.

As he nosed around his Famous Estate he stumbled across a watery mere leading off the next door residence and Fredcat soon found a small rabbit - stuck on a float and totally unable to move in any direction. The poor creature couldn't escape and begged Fredcat to get human help.

Hey presto! This was one activity in which Fredcat excelled and soon a rescue mission had the lucky rabbit shivering by the water's side. "Thanks, mate," said the bunny, "The water may be warm this time of the year but I've only just learned to swim and I was really scared."

"Take my advice, my friend," replied Fredcat, "Next time, be like me and stick to drinking water - and leave the swimming to the ducks!"

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Monday, September 5th 2005 (number 614)

Labor Day holidayer! Large image

Fredcat somehow knew, without even bothering to look at a calendar, that all the humans were going to have a long lie-in this Monday morning. The previous evening's conversation as they sat around the candle-lit table, apparently putting the world to rights, foreshadowed a late start to the following day.

Fredcat was not best pleased. Most of the humans had departed Sunday afternoon to visit the North Carolina State Fairground where there was a Flea Market in operation. This was appalling - humans choosing to go to a flea market! At some stage in his dim and distant past Fredcat remembered being told by a v*t that he might, just might have been carrying some unwanted visitors and he had had to suffer the indignity of undergoing a course of flea treatment. Cathie hadn't been concerned, reassuring Fredcat sympathetically that most moggies suffer from an attack of these charmers,. and that with proper medical treatment they can be quickly eliminated.

So, Dear Reader, you can imagine Fredcat's thoughts when he learned that his best human friend, Cathie, and her best friends were off to a flea market! However Cathie went on to explain that a flea market is set up to provide shoppers with an opportunity to purchase a variety of goods, like crafts, fresh vegetables, used books and CDs, to name but a few of the goods on sale. The visitors bought several trinkets of local interest and some small craft items to take back home with them, but Fredcat was not in the slightest bit interested. "Where's the fresh meat?" he had demanded, but answer came there none. Indeed, the humans laughingly told him that he had to make do with food in the house.

So Fredcat now knew where he stood but he was not to be denied. "If today is Labor Day (he winced at the awful spelling!) which is a public holiday," he mewsed, "then surely everyone will be at home and I'll get plenty of attention." But Cathie denied him even that pleasure. He thought he was going to have some fun when Cathie called him over to look at a special purchase she had made. "Hey, Fredcat," she said, "Look at this new mouse."

Fredcat looked with interest at the package in her hand. "This, my dearest feline friend, is a cordless optical mouse for my old laptop computer," she said proudly, "It will save me using the twirly bit in the centre of the PC to get at files and so forth." She was pleased but Fredcat was dismayed. "Where's the food?" he almost whispered, "I'm starving here," and he walked off forlornly to take a sip of cool water. Holiday or not - this wasn't going to be a good day, he just knew it.

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Saturday, September 3rd 2005 (number 613)

Recovered, fit and well! Large image

At precisely 5.45 am Fredcat mewed, very loudly, at the bedside of Mr. B. The latter had a headache and didn't appreciate Fredcat's input yet he swung his legs over the side of the bed and was up and running in "Feed The Cat" mode before his brain had properly kicked in. "So you're fit and well again?" asked Mr. B., as he reached for the packet of cat food. The Haughty One simply arched his eyebrows and reached impatiently for the food bowl. Mr. B. shot back to bed holding his head.

When Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, eventually emerged and came downstairs for breakfast with the guests Fredcat demanded to know why the Grumpy One was always grumpy whenever it was Fredcat's feeding time. "Everybody else here says and does friendly things but the Grumpy One - well! He always seems a tad grumpy."

"Today, for example, he said he had a headache, and used that as an excuse to nip back upstairs and return to bed. I, however, never need such a flimsy excuse to sleep; I think he's saying that just to avoid me."

But Cathie was having none of that argument. "Fredcat," she began, "Do you remember a couple of days ago when you disappeared all day and didn't even have the courtesy to let us all know where you were? I reckon that that's the feline equivalent of the human headache. Actually, Mr. B. rarely has a headache, he's quite a healthy person." She smiled. "At least he isn't always off to the doctors all the time like you are, with your never ending visits to the v*t's office."

"Luckily for him I have all these guests to play with me and give me incessant chuck-a-chins," said Fredcat, shaking himself all over in pleasure. "I do like the attention they give me but it certainly rankles when the only other permanent male around here seems to always be a bit less supportive." Cathie laughed, "It's only part of the macho feeling you males have; it'll soon pass and you'll get on fine as the day wears on and his headache wears off, you'll see!" And, of course, she was right.

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Friday, September 2nd 2005 (number 612)

Avoidance tactics! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was very concerned. Fredcat had been poorly. After he had eaten he had unilaterally decided that he really didn't like it and had "politely offered it" all back to Cathie. This hadn't gone down very well with her. She in turn had, again politely, asked Mr. B. to deal with it. This hadn't gone down at all well with the Grumpy One as you, Dear Reader, can certainly imagine.

"I really don't know what the problem is," sighed Cathie, "No meat for him for a while - just cat biscuits and plain water. That seems the best cure for an upset stomach."

Mr. B. grumpily asked," Why not try some Alka Seltzer? that seems to work well on humans," but Cathie simply glared at him and didn't deign to reply.

Fredcat looked at his empty bowl in despair. "Hey! This should be full of best cat food! You humans are supposed to be able to deal with my problems, hop to it and have my wonderful Dr H get me back on track as soon as possible. I have many famous and important things to do today and I can't be having an upset like this putting me off my stride."

"Oh, so now the v*t is an OK person, eh? Well, the v*t's office is closed right now so you'll just have to deal with your carers - and said carers have decided that you're on a dry food and water diet for a while until you insides are right again, Fredcat."

Well, that did it. Fredcat stalked off, left his famous residence and went to a brand new hiding place which even the diligently-searching Mr. B. didn't know existed. And there he stayed.

The humans and their guests had been allowed the night off to go and feed their insides at a local Chinese restaurant but before they left they took time out searching for the Famous One to let him know where they were headed. The Famous One wasn't interested and remained hidden. No amount of temptation would make him reveal the location of his hidey-hole. The humans were upset but eventually they left.

On their return, Fredcat allowed them ten more minutes of frantic searching before he reappeared right next to his food bowl and sat down patiently. Nothing more was said but fresh meat was provided and Fredcat ate in silence. On finishing, he sniffed once and went to bed. That'll teach 'em, he seemed to say. Oh, dear ...

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Thursday, September 1st 2005 (number 611)

Katrina kats and kittens? Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had driven to the airport for the second time in nine days. New visitors were arriving from the UK via Boston. There had been little time to do all the things that she wanted to do to make her visitors welcome and she was a tad tired. Fredcat liked all the visitors and was glad of their company, apart from one tiny thing ...

"You never normally have any visitors from one year to the next and now all these people are coming at once!" he grumbled. "My routine is being upset! Can't they come another year?"

Cathie exploded. "What an ungrateful little monster you can be sometimes, Fredcat!" she cried, "I like all my visitors and they are most welcome at the Fredcat residence - so you just mind your p's and q's or your food bowl might look a bit empty for a while." She really did sound a bit cross.

"I can't help it," said Fredcat, humbled, "I've been thinking all day about the awful situation in New Orleans and the surrounding districts. I know you humans worry a lot about the loss of life but someone has to be concerned about my feline friends. The humans had the skills to flee when told to do so, but my feline friends only have little legs, you know, and they wouldn't have been able to get away under their own steam. As I am the Most Famous of all the kittens and cats around I feel their suffering the most. I suspect that some humans took great care of their kittens but I fear that others were too much involved in saving their own skins to worry about their feline friends." He sighed, "I do hope many of them made it to safety."

"If some of these kittens and cats found their way to the Fredcat residence, do you think they would want you, Cathie, to be their new best human friend?" he asked (with a touch of anxiety in his voice).

"Now that's a a very difficult question," said Cathie, slowly, "It all depends on the circumstances. Would you like to have another kitten for me to look after? Would you be upset if another feline were to be treated as I treat you - giving it cuddles and strokes and taking it to the v*t's office (if necessary)?"

This was a most unexpected question and Fredcat thought long and hard before replying. "Well, New Orleans is very far away so I guess the situation just wouldn't happen," he replied, but nevertheless he walked slowly to his food and water bowls, knowing that out there would be numerous less fortunate animals than he. He couldn't really do much for them but he would think of them tonight as he lay down to sleep.

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