Welcome to Fredcat's diary - and checkout his tails later!

Friday, September 29^th 2006 (number 855)

Intaweb breakdown! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was home for the day. After a lengthy cuddle from her, Fredcat wandered off and wasn't seen for some time until, in the middle of Mr. B. and Cathie drinking their mid-morning cups of tea, he stomped in and started to rage at Mr. B. "You've broken the intawebs!" he stormed, "YOU'VE BROKEN THE INTAWEBS! You've used it so much listening to silly football games on the Fredcat PC that you've quite worn it out and now it's useless!" He ran back upstairs and disappeared into the utility room, still chunnering.

Mr. B. followed the Mighty One upstairs and found him standing on a chair in the utility room poking the intaweb machines with a stick. "Stop that!" yelled Mr. B., "You've no idea what you're doing! There's dangerous stuff there - it's electricity," he continued, rather lamely, since Mr. B.'s knowledge of what made the intawebs work was rather limited. He did know, however, that electricity was involved and he was more than a tad scared of that.

Fredcat glared at Mr. B. - who glared back. They both recommenced yelling, and accusations and counter-protestations soon filled the air.

"Stop that! Play nicely, you two!" came Cathie's calm voice from the doorway. "I don't believe that Mr. B. has worn out the Fredcat PC or the intawebs. I'll have a good look at it whilst someone brings me another cup of tea - I'd only drunk half of the one downstairs before I had to come up here and separate you two." Fredcat glowered at Mr. B. because he knew, just knew, that it was the Grumpy One's fault.

It was only later when Cathie had diagnosed the problem that tempers began to cool. "I'm afraid we do need a new intawebs - but it's not Mr. B.'s fault. It's no one's fault, OK? These things just happen," she announced, "I've been onto the very nice people who supply us with our intawebs, Time Warner Cable, and an engineer is coming out this afternoon to fix it. It should all be sorted by tonight. These engineers are usually very good at doing this stuff."

"See! I told you it wasn't my fault," snapped Mr. B. but before Fredcat could form a reply Cathie stepped in once more, holding the prospect of no special food over their heads like a sword of Damocles. That seemed to cool matters down a whole heap.

"Look, I need the Fredcat PC to work as soon as possible, so that my famous Diary can be posted for all my faithful readers to enjoy," said Fredcat. "And don't forget - it's my birthday soon - how will my feline friends and human readers send me birthday greetings if they can't get through to me?" Cathie smiled wanly, it was going to be a difficult week before the Mighty One celebrated his birthday, and until then she'd have to keep the peace, and no mistake. And, to add insult to injury, her cup of tea had gone cold whilst she was on the telephone to the intawebs people! She duly handed the cold cup of tea to Mr. B. who wordlessly went to kitchen to brew a replacement. What a life ...

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Wednesday, September 27^th 2006 (number 854)

Perambulating Puss! Large image

Mr. B. was in a rare good mood. He had woken up, sans feline assistance, and had then surprised Fredcat by giving the Mighty One a good scratch around the top of his famous head before going downstairs to the kitchen and preparing Fredcat's breakfast, even before putting the kettle on for a cup of tea to go with the human's own breakfast of toast and marmalade. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had entered in a similar good mood when she came into the living room; picking up Fredcat and removing some sleep from the Mighty One's eyes, and telling him to be good whilst she was away at work.

A little later, before Fredcat had even decided which sleeping place to favour for the day, Mr. B. had invited Fredcat to come for a walk to post bumper stickers to some of his faithful readers.Fredcat had never before considered the thought of having a companion walking with him. On occasion in the past, he had (sort of) accompanied Mr. B., but usually at a distance. This time, however, the pair strolled side by side down the driveway at a nice leisurely pace, the Grumpy One even stopping whilst Fredcat sharpened his claws on his special claw-sharpening oak tree and sniffed appreciatively around the Bradford pear trees which were now in full leaf.

Mr. B. picked up the Mighty One to let him check the mail and Fredcat was surprised to see the mailbox stuffed full of all sorts. His friends must be really prolific writers to send him so much mail, thought he, but he was soon proved wrong. As the pair sat down in the kitchen to review the contents of the mailbox the cynical Mr. B. showed Fredcat that all the mail was, in fact, pure junk, full of advertisements and brochures. There was not one regular letter amongst them. "Nobody's even sent me a card to say thank you for my free bumper stickers," complained Fredcat, but Mr. B. opined that a lot of humans nowadays, whichever country they came from and whichever language they spoke, used the intawebs to communicate, so a lack of hand written thanks was only to be expected.

"You know, I quite enjoyed that stroll," said Fredcat, "In all honesty, I've no desire to go to work with Cathie and stay there all day; I hate having the doors closed (whatever the weather) and I'd have to have litter trays and feeding bowls laid on as well. I've seen that in some places the management even allow d*gs to go to work with their humans and stay there all day. I don't understand it, they're not at all productive and can't help the business in any way. And they probably smell too! I'm staying here with you." How kind of him.

"Ummm, this new found affection for being close to your humans wouldn't have anything to do with your upcoming birthday celebrations would it?" enquired Mr. B. gently, "I know what it is with humans, they're always banging on about birthdays as their own approaches, with subtle hints about what gifts they'd like to receive. That wouldn't be in your mind, would it?" But all Mr. B. got in return for this comment was a blank stare from the Mighty One. There was no vouchsaying what was going on in that fertile feline brain hidden behind those bright yellow eyes. Hmmm ...

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Monday, September 25^th 2006 (number 853)

Hypoallergenic Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was exceedingly excited, which surprised his best human friend, Cathie. In recent times the Mighty One tended to limit his expressions of excitement to exclaiming over the first juicy mouth-watering dollops of best beef in the Fredcat bowl but news that he'd very recently read on the intawebs had changed all that. I'm well on the way to being cloned!" he announced, "I think that this time I'm going to be an even more perfect specimen, because I'll neither cause nor suffer from allergies! I'll effectively be able to live forever, barring accidents - and they won't happen because I'll be so perfect I'll easily determine them in advance and so be able to take proper precautions to avoid them." After that long sentence he drew a long breath and gave a little wheeze.

Cathie reached over and gave him a quick pat on the back until his coughing subsided. "I'm afraid that many humans think along similar lines," she said wearily, "As we age we realise, however, that we're not immortal and that all good things must come to an end someday, but we usually stay calm and when that time happens we try to think of nice restful things to keep us cheerful. I know Mr. B. pictures fluffy white sheep jumping over stiles. No, wait a mo', that's what sends him off to sleep. Myself, I simply think of fluffy white clouds when I want to fall asleep. They're very soothing."

Fredcat stamped the floor with one famous ginger and white paw. "I really do want to be a cloned cat and I don't care how much it costs. Such research is no good unless it helps me to live a malady-free life. I'm a bit fed up with always going to the v*t's office - in that man's car (!) - and, I'd like not to have my ears constantly syringed, and drops incessantly dropped in my eyes. I'd also like to be able to walk evenly instead of a bit crookedly so that catching mice becomes easier." Fredcat was clearly in a bit of a Monday morning mood.

"Stop talking like that, Fredcat - you have a whole new week ahead of you. Take your mind off cloning and have a game of dominoes. No, better yet - have a look at this, it's an unusual combination of two activities, dominoes and pool!" But Fredcat was no longer listening to her, he'd wandered off to start his project of planning for his birthday party in a few weeks. Watch this space, Gentle Reader!

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Friday, September 22^nd 2006 (number 852)

Autumnal Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had driven off to work. Fredcat had mixed feelings about that, as always. He knew Cathie depended on her car to buy him food, but he really disliked the noise they made and wished cars weren't so much in evidence. He also disliked Cathie's going off to work each day because he was left to the ministrations of Mr. B. It was at times like this that Fredcat wished he'd been a little more civil to the Grumpy One - Mr. B. had (seemingly politely) opened the door to the outer world for him only a few moments ago, and had closed it very quickly as soon as all four furry paws had stepped onto the deck.

Fredcat's famous ginger and white fur moved in the wind as a slight breeze wafted around him and he realised that the temperature was no longer in the 100s or 90s - or even the 80s. Today it was in the upper 60s - and the Famous One could definitely feel the difference. "Who's put the sun out?" he moaned, followed by, "I need to dress up, preferably in something that will keep me warm." He shivered and turned back towards the door to his residence but having locked him out, the unfriendly Mr. B. had disappeared into the inner recesses of the house and was nowhere to be seen.

From past experience Fredcat knew it was pointless to call for Mr. B.'s attention because by now he would be firmly esconced on the settee watching a ball game on the big TV - with the volume turned up high. There was nothing for it but to trundle round the Fredcat residence and re-enter by his specially made cat doors. When the two eventually came face to face Mr. B. was not in the least contrite, saying only, "Stop moaning, Fredcat. The seasons change, it's autumn now (as you well know), and we just have to adapt." Mr. B's idea of adapting was to curl up on the settee with a heavy throw looped over him as he continued to gaze at the big TV where, as a half time entertainment, some quick change artists were showing off their skills. Even Fredcat was impressed by what they were doing.

"How long will it be before Cathie gets home?" the latter asked, plaintively. Mr. B. looked at him. "You see, right now I'm feeling sort of OK, except for my eyes and slightly blocked up ears and my minor arthritic limp," the famous feline added, "But what I really need are some extra large cuddles." He glanced hopefully at Mr. B., snug under the big throw.

The Grumpy One knew exactly what was going on in Fredcat's feline mind and, with a sigh, he leaned down and whisked Fredcat skywards and plonked him down next to him so that both could watch the ball game together, comforted by the big throw. Mr. B. knew full well that in time Fredcat would get fed up and would either wander over to the food bowls or make it out to the screened porch. But, for the time being, both males were living for the moment, and peace was restored. Don't tell Cathie!

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Wednesday, September 20^th 2006 (number 851)

Piratical Fredcat! Large image

Colourful brochures about houses and mortgage special offer flyers were everywhere, scattered on the big settee and overflowing onto the living room floor. When Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, saw them she nearly had a fit. Several sentences competed for attention as she raised her voice. "Where did all these come from? What's going on? Clean this mess up!" were three of her more discernable utterings as Fredcat stared, unblinking, at her. Now Fredcat was not to be put off by this tirade, Gentle Reader; he was made of much sterner stuff. "We can easily afford it," he announced, loftily, "I've been receiving dozens of attractive mortgage offers in my email Inbox; it will be so easy to move to a huge mansion. We should have done so years ago, when I first broached the subject."

He held up a colourful brochure as an example for Cathie to see. "Look! This place has a beautiful swimming pool - and a heated sauna. And a tennis court and bowling alley. Let's buy that one! Wouldn't you just love to be floating gently in a warm breeze on an inflatable in an azure blue pool, while sipping a cool drink? Soaking up the sun, with Mr. B. at your beck and call, whilst I have a long restful kip under the shade of a three-seater swing. That would be most excellent!"

But Mr. B. swiftly knocked that idea on the head. "Those emails are all scams," he announced, pompously. "You won't get far replying to them. Anyway you, Mr. Fredcat, have neither cash nor savings of your own, so it'd be down to we humans to sort out your mortgage - and we're always broke (thanks to you). We need to find a pot of gold or pieces of eight, methinks, to finance your dream. Perhaps it's time for us to go treasure hunting - as pirates. Aye! Where's me dubloons!!" As he said this, Mr. B. stuck a piratical pose which made Fredcat and Cathie both sigh deeply. In truth he wasn't very good as being a pirate. They'd both seen cats who made better pirates than did Mr. B.

"From what Mr. B. says," said a down-to-earth Cathie, "you'll just have to make do with your current Fredcat residence. We're very happy here." She looked at the Mighty One who making a futile attempt to clean his eyes. "Here, come to me," she ordered, "I know how to fix that. I'm only thankful that we're both here to let me do this for you. I've just heard that one of your best feline friends, Tigger, has just died. She was much loved by her best human friend, and she was quite old, much older that you. You're only ever five years of age aren't you?" she finished.

"I'm fast realising that the life span of we felines is much shorter than that of you humans," said Fredcat, in his most knowing manner, "It's because we live life at a different pace than you do," he said, quite seriously.

At this, while Mr. B. visibly blanched, Cathie swept Fredcat up into her arms and said, "You're here for a long time yet, matey, even if you do spend an inordinately long time sleeping." But Fredcat didn't hear her, he was nodding off to sleep. Again.

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Monday, September 18^th 2006 (number 850)

Auditory Fredcat! Large image

There were no monsoons, typhoons, tornadoes, black rain-clouds, rain, snow, high winds of any sort or anything mildly nasty over the Fredcat residence so the Mighty One felt free to trot gingerly outside. Awkwardly, of course, in case the Grumpy One saw him. Fredcat always affected more of a limp when he knew that Mr. B. was watching as the former firmly believed that this evoked sympathy and a better class - and quantity - of nourishment. (He'd learned this trick from years of watching his humans.) He glanced at the water bowl which had been filled with clear fridge water by his best human friend, Cathie, stuck his paws in it one at a time and stirred it around to give it some good old earthy flavour.

Having soon tired of dirtying his formerly pristine water bowl, he turned his attention to Mr. B. as the latter followed him out onto the deck. "I see that the cricket season has finished in the country of my birth," the famous feline remarked as he settled down by the side of the BBQ. The sun hadn't heated the deck sufficiently yet to force a retreat completely underneath the BBQ. "But I note of late that cricket is now taking hold in the US. With your experience of playing the game you should do well." He chuckled, knowing full well that Mr. B. (like a lot of other couch potatoes) was very good at talking up the game but nowhere near as skilful when it came to participation.

"We could put up posters explaining cricket," Fredcat continued enthusiastically, "Making one's own poster is easy." But years of experience had taught Fredcat that Mr. B. was unlikely to be interested, and the Famous One's voice tailed off.

Later, Cathie explained to Fredcat that some sporting events were now too much of an effort for a person of Mr. B.'s, erm, "mature standing in the community", was how she put it. "He, and I, now enjoy things like listening to fine music or even simple musical notes. Just try this out," she said, clicking on the link. Fredcat listened and, having excellent hearing, knew in very short order what it was all about, but do you, Gentle Reader? It's harder than you think!

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Friday, September 15^th 2006 (number 849)

Raindrenched Fredcat! Large image

It was raining (not hard, mind) so, after a little thought, Mr. B. opened the door to the back garden to enable Fredcat to at least see out. This demonstrated to the Famous One that it was indeed raining and showed him that there wasn't a lot that Mr. B. could do about it. Any feline shouts of "Fix it!" would be met with a Gallic shrug of the shoulders and a wan smile. When Mr. B. next glanced outside it was to see Fredcat sitting in a puddle in the rain, drinking water from a dirty bowl left outside during warmer weather.

Mr. B. called Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, to check out this bizarre behaviour. "That cat's daft as a brush," exclaimed Mr. B., "There's an excellent drinking fountain just inside the Fredcat residence, filled with aerated water taken directly from the purification system of the refrigerator - and there he is, getting soaked and drinking mucky rainwater. What gives?"

"I agree - he doesn't have a clue!" exclaimed Cathie, "Doesn't he even realise that today is Make A Hat Day? He should be wearing a hat! I'd better haul him in and towel him down. I wonder if the treatment we've been giving him for his eyes and ears has made him oblivious to the elements. I hope not!" She sighed and soon the Mighty One was being briskly dried off indoors.

"I think you'd better stay inside and work on an indoor pastime," she scolded, "Watch some cat vidoes or something." Fredcat shook his famous ginger and white tail, sending a few final drops of rain showering over his best human friend. He climbed very slowly to his feet and made a huge show of tottering towards his favourite round bed on the settee in the screened porch.

"You don't realise that I drink rain water because of the nutrients it contains," he stated, "I can't be eating and drinking pristine food and drink all day long. You've already told me that too much emphasis on cleanliness makes one more susceptible to the first real illness that comes along, remember?" Although Cathie agreed with the basic sentiments expressed she wasn't sure that drinking stale rainwater, in the rain, was quite what she had in mind as a beverage for her best and only cat. But, she mused, Fredcat had survived to the ripe old age of five (again) by doing precisely that - and she couldn't argue with the evidence! Fredcat 1, Humans 0. Again.

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Wednesday, September 13^th 2006 (number 848)

Tunaesque Fredcat! Large image

The day was sunny and Fredcat and both of his humans had risen early. So early, in fact, that Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had time to relax and savour her thirst-quenching early morning cup of tea before setting off to work. First, however, came the small ritual of gently cleaning out the Maestro's ears and eyes, but when that was done (Fredcat hardly noticed the inconvenience) they all sat down and had a chat. "What are you guys going to do while I'm beavering away at work today?" enquired Cathie and Fredcat's newly cleaned eyes glazed over as he considered his options for napping.

"Just as soon as you've gone to work in that noisy car of yours then I'm off to the screened porch," he replied, "It's all very well getting up early - and I'm very grateful to Mr. B. for providing me with breakfast at a sensible hour - but we've watched the sun rise and I now need to stretch out on the table near the screened porch door." He glanced in the general direction of Mr. B. to see if there would be a adverse reaction to his plan but the latter was examining possible recipes for the evening's meal and took little notice.

"How about a hearty beef stew?" Mr. B. suggested, "I'm not too bad at that, I've already defrosted a portion of beef and with the proper stock and vegetables it'll be a tasty change." Fredcat thought about that and asked if he could have his share of the beef plain and not muddied up with all sorts of smelly savoury tastes which usually made his famous nose crinkle up in distaste. He always liked his meals plain and simple. And plentiful. And often. Very often.

"But if you can't come up with a decent plain recipe for beef stew," compromised the Famous One, "I'll settle for a large chunk of tuna. Tuna is one of my favourite foods." He licked his lips appreciatively. But Mr. B. was away in the clouds thinking about what else he should be doing today.

"I'm going to have another go at mowing the grass," he said, finally, "I spent all day Sunday cleaning the mower and now it's time to tackle the lawn once more. Then I'm going to sweep up all the leaves and nuts the squirrels have left lying about. You could even have a go at breaking open some of the unbroken ones and see how you compare to someone with a clear talent in that regard. You could also help with the sweeping up - do you fancy giving that a go? I could tie a broom to your tail like we do when it's cleaning day in the Fredcat household." But as usual he found himself talking to thin air. Fredcat had wriggled though a miniscule gap onto the screened porch and had stretched himself out on the table. Sweet dreams, you famous cat, you!

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Monday, September 11^th 2006 (number 847)

Overwhelmed Fredcat! Large image

"It'll soon be the anniversary of my birth," said Fredcat, as he lay sprawled on the floor, "and, despite my earlier feelings about getting, well, you know, more mature, I'm beginning to look forward to it." He smiled his special crooked smile which he told all his acquaintances were caused by injuries suffered in glorious battles (and who are we, gentle readers, to argue with that). "Well, anniversaries come in many different shapes and forms," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "Birthdays and dates of religious festivals are well known but who would have thought a decade ago that today's date would become so well known?"

"This is a special day for you as well, Fredcat, there's no doubt about that," said Mr. B., frowning. "The problem with the intawebs is that well-meaning folk have inadvertently upset you famous website." The others looked at him in alarm. He frowned even more. "Some helpful person, or persons, has decided to publicise your famous website, not for what it is, but for the free bumper stickers that you so kindly offer your regular readers."

He continued, "I think they little realise that you place your thrice weekly diary on the intawebs for the benefit of your readers who like to read about the comings and goings in your famous life, not realising that you're not running a multi-national business organisation using free stuff to bolster sales of your products - of which you currently have none, of course."

"What do we do about that?" asked Cathie, anxiously, "We just can't stop the Mighty One's diary; he would be most upset." She looked at Fredcat who, in turn, was looking a bit dazed by it all.

"The first thing we have to do is reconsider offering your free bumper stickers," announced Mr. B., firmly. "I'll get onto that right away. Then we all need to put our heads together to think about what Fredcat does next. Over the past year or so we have dispatched about sixty bumper stickers to your faithful readers, but we've had well over a hundred requests for them in the last twenty four hours! We don't want to upset those young people who have already sent in requests and they may have to wait some time as the order for more stickers will take time to arrive ... It's all quite worrying." He frowned again (years of practice had made him very good at that!)

Fredcat gulped, "Does this mean you won't be able to continue to provide me with the finer things in life because of the money you're having to pay for more bumper stickers?" To Fredcat the finer things in life consisted of frequent servings of tuna in cans and best beef from the Fredcat BBQ (Mr. B. of course liked large lumps of chocolate.)

Hearing this, Cathie picked him up and gave him a huge cuddle, saying, "Don't worry, everything will be alright. And now we need to clean out those ears and eyes of yours again; they, too, seem to be attracting unsolicited stuff!" And with that she cleaned up the Mighty One and found a large tin of tuna for his tea, which was most acceptable. And if the Mighty One's happy, then everyone's happy!

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Friday, September 8^th 2006 (number 846)

Literate Fredcat! Large image

"Did you know that today is international literacy day?" said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. "I think it's a grand idea to have a world-wide approach to raising educational levels across the entire planet. I feel quite pleased to be a member of the human race sometimes." She smiled as Fredcat looked at her, his famous ginger and white tail flicking to and fro. "Yeah, err, I've just killed a mouse," said Fredcat, "He was checking out my food bowls so he had to go. I don't mind playing with mice when they stay outside but if they enter the residence of Fredcat the Famous they get what they deserve; this is my residence, so, exeunt left, as they say. Oh, and I didn't eat it, I'll have you know."

"That is so coarse," said Cathie, "wash your mouth out!" She was clearly very cross. "Here am I discussing the finer things of life, and you come up with horrible things like that. Today it's also the anniversary of the unveiling of the sculpture of Michelangelo's David - it was unveiled 502 years ago. It's a wonderful masterpiece and one of the foremost pieces of art the world knows. You could at least say something nice about it. I feel privileged to have seen that work of art when I was in Florence many years ago." She nodded her head vigorously, but quickly stopped and rearranged her hair which she'd mussed in her excitement.

"Here we go again," muttered Fredcat, "You're always telling me about arty this and arty that but if people want to improve their literacy then all they have to do is read my wonderfully literate thrice-weekly diary. It's always full of prose that'll knock your socks off!" He moved across to the mirror and struck a pose. saying, "I should have someone make a statue of me - it would probably rival Michelangelo's David in terms of beauty, you know."

"Is that right? Beautiful - and literate, too? When did you win a Nobel prize for literature?" snarked Mr. B., clearly dissatisfied with the Maestro's bolshy response. "What's got into you today? You're not usually this cross!"

"The problem is that it'll soon be my birthday again and I don't want to get any older," replied Fredcat reluctantly, "When I was younger it was fun to have birthdays but as I've become more mature ..." (here he coughed and looked daggers at Mr. B.) "... I feel that life is beginning to catch up with me. I'm already starting to hobble with a touch or arthritis and I seem to be visiting the dreaded v*t's office more often and Cathie is always grooming me as if I can't do it for myself." He stopped, feeling more than a tad miserable.

"Don't be so daft," said Cathie, smiling, "When your birthday comes around next month you'll still be five years old, just like always, so cheer up! We've already arranged for you have your own family seal and we'll be making a suitable plaque for it and placing it on the wall of the Fredcat residence."

Fredcat smiled at this prospect and said he would try to buck up, and promised to take another look at the sculpture of Michelangelo's David tomorrow. In the meantime he supposed that so long as the finer things of life were followed by a tasty dish of tuna for tea then they might be more interesting than he'd thought.

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Wednesday, September 6^th 2006 (number 845)

Moisture-laden Fredcat! Large image

"Moisture-laden?! I'm not moisture-laden," snapped Fredcat, "I'm thoroughly wet through - and it's all your fault for keeping the back door closed." Indeed Fredcat was right about one point - he was soaked. He had misread the thunderous rain clouds by a mile (unusually for him, he was sleeping soundly at the time) and he'd been trapped under the BBQ with no easy escape route. The rain had continued to fall and the Mighty One had become the Drenched One as water gradually seeped onto the remaining dry area under the BBQ until he was almost swimming in wet stuff. "I need protection from Mr. B.'s stupid ideas," he growled.

"If you're going to go swimming, I suggest you get yourself to the seaside," said Mr. B., smiling, as he towelled down the Drenched One. "You could always take a friend with you for company - take your time, there's no need to rush back, I assure you."

But Fredcat was too deflated to drum up a snappy riposte. When his best human friend, Cathie, arrived home from work he asked her if she'd seen the recent Guestbook posting by Penelope and Petey. "Did you see my reply?" he asked, “They wanted to know if there's any way I could make it possible for my many friends to talk to each other using the intawebs or something."

Then Mr. B. spoilt it. "I really don't know what to suggest unless Fredcat himself embarks on a round trip, flying to all his gentle readers on a lengthy personal tour. Shouldn't take him more than a year of two to get round to them all." He chuckled hugely to himself. He thought he was so witty but, needless to say, he was in a minority in that regard.

"Huh. I’m going into my special HT box. Nothing beats that box, “ sniffed Fredcat, "I’m probably getting a cold after you locked me out in that rain." And without any help from the ungracious Mr. B. he limped onto the screened porch and curled himself up in a comfortable ball of famous ginger and white fur. Things had to be better tomorrow.

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Monday, September 4^th 2006 (number 844)

Labouring Fredcat! Large image

"The weekend weather was much less fearsome than you thought," commented Fredcat the Famous happily, to the Grumpy One as the former lounged on the glass-topped table in the screened porch. He liked it there even though Mr. B. was constantly hauling him off it, muttering something vague about hygiene standards. "And don't you dare touch me or I'll call my best human friend, Cathie, and you know she'll let me stay here," he smirked. "I can see things from up here." The fact that he was probably right irked Mr. B. but, like Fredcat, he was pleased that the threatened storm over the part of North Carolina that was their home had not materialised. Extensive rain, indeed, but no real damage to the famous residence.

"One thing puzzles me," Fredcat continued, "Is Cathie going to be at home now all the time or what? One Monday she's at work, and the next Monday she's home because it's Labor Day, or something. I keep looking at her thinking she's going to go to work and indeed she scooted off this morning early - but she came back with her hair all bright and shiny, like mine! Why can't she fix her hair at home like me - or get you to do it? You've nothing else on." Fredcat was clearly spoiling for a fight but Mr. B. was also pleased to have Cathie home so he didn't rise to the bait.

"Changing the subject," said Mr. B., "I see that for a brief instant you have risen to the dizzy heights of being number 2 in both the Top 100 cat site - and the Topblogger site! Considering that there are more than 100 blogs in the Top 100 cat site (!) the last time I looked, you're not doing too shabbily." He looked approvingly at Fredcat but the latter was a trifle haughty about the whole thing.

"I should be number one everywhere, me" he said, darkly, "Though I suppose I have to let some other sites have their brief moments of glory. Are you going to test out any other sites for me? I rather like seeing my name in lights, you know."

"I'll think about it," said Mr. B., "but at the moment I'm watching this guy toss pennies into a bowl, I bet you can't do that." Mr. B. knew full well that holding coins of any description was hard for a feline sans opposable thumbs.

"Fair enough, but we felines can do things that would scare you humans," smirked Fredcat, "You've seen before that a cat can scare a fully grown bear - and on the screen right now is another example of a fearless cat seeing off a big bad grizzly."

Then Fredcat stopped and put on his pathetic face. "Um, all this arguing is making me feel more than a bit famished. I don't suppose there's any chance of ..." And for once the Grumpy One was happy to oblige; having Cathie home for an extra day was obviously making him unusually mellow. Lucky Fredcat!

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Friday, September 1st 2006 (number 843)

Tropical storms for Fredcat! Large image

"I strongly suggest that you make hay whilst the sun shines, Fredcat, because it's going to be very bleak outside over the next couple of days," warned Mr. B. Fredcat hardly moved, he saw no need to shift from his new sleeping spot within the Fredcat HT bed which had been moved to the screened porch. He was comfortable and snug there and the temperature on the porch was beautifully warm. "I mean it," said Mr. B., becoming visibly grumpier by the minute. "Tropical Storm Ernesto is moving up the coast of the Carolinas and though it might not be as violent as Hurricane Katrina was a year ago, it's going to bring us plenty of rainfall and you're going to become very frustrated if you can't pop outside at will."

"I've better things to do than worry about storms, me," replied Fredcat loftily. There's been a new addition to the photographs of my friends. One of my faithful readers, Terri, has been favoured by the appearance of a new member to her communal residence. This kitten is called Doc and he meows quite a lot. He's quite charming, I believe, but that may be because he shares the same famous ginger and white colouring as your truly." He sniffed, conceitedly, and hobbled out of his HT box bed on his way towards the food bowls.

When his best human friend, Cathie, arrived home from work Fredcat joyfully welcomed her, complaining that the Grumpy One was being a bit miserable about the weather forecasts. "Can't he fix it so that I have balmy weather here all year round?" he mewed, "Surely the world is big enough to let me have my own private universe where nothing much ever happens and I can sleep for as long as I want?"

But Cathie had thoughts of her own and she wasted no time in telling Fredcat that her foot was healing very well and she was on the road to being fully mobile again. Cathie tried to settle the Mighty One on her lap as she prepared to give him chapter and verse on every step of her recovery but he wriggled free and aimed for his feeding bowl. Afterwards he hobbled back to his comfortable HT bed, where he settled down for a bit of a kip. Humans could be quite annoying at times, giving little thought to the essential needs of their feline friends, even though Cathie was his best human friend.

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