October 30th 2004

Pumpkin delight! Large image

Fredcat had persuaded his best human friend, Cathie, to buy a medium-sized pumpkin and he danced from foot to foot with excitement, waiting for the carving to begin. "I'm not sure about this carving bit, I usually leave carving to the menfolk," Cathie said, with a worried frown, "but all the menfolk have disappeared from view!" Fredcat stopped dancing, and looked worried. "But if you don't carve the pumpkin then how are we going to put a candle inside to make it spooky? Several of the houses around here have already done the business and they have a splendid show for all to see. Why should our house be the odd one out?"

"My dear Fredcat," frowned Cathie, "we are not trying to keep up with the Jones's you know. I tell you what - why don't we just write on the pumpkin? Something very shivery - in keeping with the creepiness of Hallowe'en."

At that moment, Mr. B. came in and said, with a grin, "If you are looking for something shivery and creepy, I know the exact words to write on the pumpkin folks, just leave it to me." He than smartly took he pumpkin away to return later with a smug grin on his face. "Look at this," he crowed.

Cathie and Fredcat were not amused with the result (which readers may view above). "At least it's a good piece of advertising," summised Cathie, with a smile, "it's always a good idea to place one's name in the market place."

"Can we sell copies of this photograph?" enquired Fredcat, hopefully, "we could do with some more cash to buy goodies for the Hallowe'en visitors on Sunday evening. Assuming that it is Sunday evening," he added with a frown, "it seems that there is general confusion about the actual day of Trick or Treating. Some folks would prefer Hallowe'en this year to be changed to Saturday for a number of reasons."

"Yes, indeed," replied Cathie, "we are having our sub-division party on Saturday and I wonder whether the children will dress up for it today or wait until Sunday. Never mind all that, I have just taken out some nice sausages and I will certainly bring one back for your consumption." And with that, Fredcat seemed content.

Back to top

October 29th 2004

Baseball success! Large image

Fredcat looked quizzically at Mr. B., who appeared to be glued to the TV set. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, took in the situation with a quick glance and said, with a grin, "You won't get any sense out of him, my lad. He's watching the World Series - and it looks as if the Red Sox have just won." "That's the baseball team that has just beaten the New York Yankees after many years of trying, isn't it?" said Fredcat, "See, I do remember things about sport. I suppose it's because I'm a male cat."

"The only thing I can't understand," he muttered, continuing, "is why they Americans call it the World Series when, basically, they are the only ones that play the game! The Americans are bound to win if they are the only realistic contestants. After all, the English invented cricket and they let other nations play."

"And look what's happened to English cricket as a result of that!" said Cathie with a grin, "All the other nations started to beat them - which was not what they expected. The same thing happened with soccer." But she soon found herself talking to the back of Fredcat's head as he turned to watch re-runs of the highlights of the baseball game.

Cathie glared at Fredcat, "Hey, you, my friendly feline, I'm beginning to get used to the Grumpy One acting like a first class couch potato whenever there is any kind of mano a mano sports event going on; it seems to particularly apply when said males are throwing, or kicking some kind of ball about. But," and here Cathie gave a heavily underlined feel to the word, "but, I do NOT want you to adopt similar behaviour; one loopy couch potato is quite enough." And she gave an almost Gallic shrug of the shoulders - which bode no argument.

"But, but," persisted Fredcat, "if I were to participate in this World Series game I would be a star on TV, and that would suit my personality down to the ground."

"Sorry, matey," replied Cathie, "we declined WRAL-TV's request to feature you in a special Fredcat interview because we didn't want you to get swollen-headed. Or rather, more swollen-headed than you are already," she amended. "So hop off, eat your supper and have an early night." And, for once, Fredcat obliged."

Back to top

October 28th 2004

Pumpkins for Hallowe'en Large image

Fredcat likes to take a morning walk and (surprisingly) he likes to do this while accompanying Mr. B. on his "inspecting the garden" rounds. Indeed, if Mr. B. sets off without him, Fredcat leaps forward until he has caught him up, but then pretends that he just "happened to be around" so as not to give The Grumpy One ideas above his station. The two visit all parts of the garden in turn and also check out the contents of the mailbox. This parade occurs regularly or, at least, when it's not raining.

"I distinctly remember you and my best human friend, Cathie, going for a walk one day, when we lived in Lancashire, England," Fredcat said gruffly. "You walked off and left we cats to the mercy of all sorts. It was quite scary and I had to give you a right talking-to on your return. I have never forgotten it. So I now keep a very close watch whenever you slope off."

He continued (casting an almost admiring glance at the garden), "I see that your garden is sprouting grass at last! It's certainly about time you did something with that barren patch in the front. It's been a real disgrace. Luckily for you the fescue grass you're attempting to grow is one of my favourite grasses and I'll be able to eat lots of it for digestive purposes."

"Just as long as you keep it all to yourself, if you know what I mean," said Mr. B. " Now, what do you think of all the pumpkins appearing in people's front gardens?"

"Surprisingly, I rather like them," said Fredcat, "and this year I want to have a go at carving one for myself. I have an interesting design I'd like to try out. Do you think Cathie would help me? She's good at wielding sharp implements!"

Mr B. was lulled by these sweet words but when he saw the finished article later he wasn't so pleased. The carving seemed to have much in common with someone he knew rather well, namely himself. As a caricature it was not in the highest class. He considered it way too close to home for comfort - it would have to go! Well ... either it or its feline creative director would have to go ....

Back to top

October 27th 2004

Friendly feline! Large image

Fredcat examined the latest bit of tomfoolery on his website - all of a sudden there were hands appearing all over it! He had neither expected nor planned for that! "Where on Earth have all these additional extremities come from?" he said, "I bet it's that Grumpy One who is responsible. Look! Look! Just place your mouse cursor on top of today's famous pictorial portrait and hands appear! What's it all about?!"

"It's quite simple," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "the Guru Sonia has just explained to Mr. B. that one can do all sorts of little things with the Fredcat website - and she merely wondered why he had taken so long to understand the simple little piece of coding that produces the hands which have so magically appeared. What the hands mean, Fredcat, is that one can simply click anywhere on on today's picture (and all future pictures) to see your beautiful image enlarged. No longer will your faithful readers have to click on the Large Image clicky-clicky thing. It makes things so much easier for your wonderful readers!"

"It's a pity he doesn't do something more beneficial - like creating a Fredcat Guestbook, so that I can see how my visitors really like my daily diary - and Fredcat Tails," commented Fredcat, sourly. "Now that would be a good idea. I think I'll suggest it to him when he wakes up from his five hundred or so winks."

"Oh, dear, Fredcat" sighed Cathie, "not everybody comes to your diary to hear about your goings-on and illnesses, you know, some folk even visit to read about little me and my adventures!" And she did another little pirouette, as if she were a member of the Russian Ballet to show that she had been practicing very hard.

This was too much for Fredcat. "I think you're getting above yourself," he said sharply, "and I think I'll wake the Grumpy One and order my evening meal. And so he did just that ...

Back to top

October 26th 2004

Showstopper cat! Large image

Fredcat liked internet search engines - you could discover so much, so randomly! He looked at the review of a recent local theatre presentation, and saw (to his dismay) that he had missed the local performance of Cats the marvellous musical written by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, which was based on T.S. Eliot's Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats. .

"Why did no one tell me that this show was on in North Carolina?" he demanded, of all and sundry. "This could have been one of the highlights of my acting career!!!"

"Look, Fredcat," said his best human friend, Cathie, "this show, unsurprisingly, is about cats - but all the parts are played by we humans, not by fussy felines." Cathie then did a slinky little dance and pirouette to show how humans could portray cats if need be.

Fredcat scoffed aloud, saying, jeeringly, "That effort wouldn't fool anybody. T.S. Eliot would writhe agonisingly in his grave if he realised that one of his fellow human creatures would look and act like that. On the other hand, I am sure that everybody would notice me if I were on stage, doing my cat dance. I would be a tremendous hit."

"Now lookee here," said Cathie, quite peeved at Fredcat's criticisms, "I'll have you know that I have seen this show in London, England, not once but twice! And I have all of the songs on CD - and I know all the words to all the songs. I reckon I would be pretty ace at taking part in the show myself - so there!"

At this thought Cathie became all dreamy, "The cats I liked best were Magical Mr Mistoffelees and Macavity, the Mystery Cat. The makeup was absolutely fabulous and the singing was magnificent. I might go again to see Cats one day if that grumpy Mr. B. learns how to take money out of his pockets, as opposed to putting money into them ..."

But she was talking to herself once more, as Fredcat had gone off in despair, his fleeting chance of becoming even more famous as a performer in Cats having disappeared into the blue. "This evening's tea had better be good!" he thought, as he slunk off.

Back to top

October 25th 2004

Audition Time! Large image

Fredcat read with amazement about a charity looking for pets with personality. "Apparently there's an audition in Birmingham, England, on October 29, 2004 for suitable pets - and their human friends," said Fredcat, "there should be thousands turning up; I only hope they have arranged for enough car parking spaces!"

"I take it that you're not planning to fly over and participate, then?" said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "there's the Birmingham international airport nearby and you could easily get there in time. If they are seeking pets (especially cats!) with personality you would certainly qualify."

"I think not," sniffed Fredcat, "my view of all auditions is that they are degrading for experienced and famous cats like me. I accept that one has to accept some indignities in one's life but the only time I have ever been to an audition was when I took part on the Staring Contest and that, after all, was by Royal command!"

"And look at the prize that they're offering," said Fredcat disdainfully, "all the winners will have to sit in front of hot lights and spend hours and hours in extremely warm, stifling situations. One would have no peace, the room would be full of people shouting - lots of general noise. No chance for a decent kip amongst all that lot! There are bound to be some d*gs there as well, ugh! I bet the food on offer would be pretty awful too."

"If it were all about advertising it would be, "Here, Kitty, Kitty, have some nice bics or some nice wet stuff", and I just know that there would be precious little beef in that lot. On the whole, therefore, I feel I'd be much better off staying and keeping you and The Grumpy One company.

At this point Fredcat smiled his crooked smile, showing off his (reduced) set of teeth. "See how keenly I am devoted to you," he said, "and I do believe I can smell the remains of those fillet slices that you have saved in the fridge for Mr. B. They would certainly go down well with a dollop of whipped cream." Mmmm ...

Back to top

October 23rd 2004

Fairground Fan! Large image

The North Carolina State Fair has been on all week. One could hardly watch the television without one television channel or another giving the latest news on the event. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, fresh from her experience from the dentist and with a well earned night's rest behind her, said, "I was thinking of attending; would you, Fredcat, like to accompany me?"

"No, ta," replied Fredcat, promptly, "the last time I went to the State Fairgrounds, I become embroiled in a bit of trickery with a certain squirrel (See the tails story number 11) and that was quite enough for me, thank you very much."

"But that was a cat show and this is the famous North Carolina State Fair, where all sorts of interesting events will be taking place. This year they're featuring the famous Circle C racing pigs again - you'd find that both amusing and entertaining, no?"

But Fredcat was not to be budged. "I'll stay at home. You may bring me back any decent grub you happen to come across though. I understand that you can have anything you like so long as it's been deep fried in lots of oil and comes on a stick."

"That's so mean," exclaimed Mr. B., "I am thinking of going as well. The ice creams look good (and they're certainly not fried!) and I will bring back something nice even if it is only something that looks like a stuffed fluffy toy d*g."

At this Fredcat recoiled. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, when you've washed your mouth out with soap," he said, and immediately fell asleep. Mmm ....

Back to top

October 22nd 2004

Baseball fan! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, woke up and her immediate thought was that she did not have to go into work. This was a pity as she was slyly looking forward to teasing those (almost exclusively male) members of her office who had been rooting for the New York Yankees baseball team.

"Aficionados of that typically American game will not need reminding that the NY team had lost out in the critical game to their Boston counterparts for the first time in, ooh, ages," smiled Fredcat, joining in the mirth. Though neither of them could really understand how 1918 and "Who's Your Daddy" came to be such an integral part of the sport. Cathie knew that 1918 was the year that World War I ended, but didn't see the significance of that date to baseball games. "Most of the television coverage seemed to focus closely on men chewing gum furiously," thought Fredcat, apropos of nothing.

Cathie was still chortling silently to herself when Fredcat pointed to the pile of pills on the dresser until the message finally sunk in. It was the day of the Cathie dentist visit. "Oh, no!" wailed Cathie, "I'm sick and I can't go. You go, Fredcat, you go, you can deal with all this stuff," she added hopefully.

But it was no use. Mr. B. said that if Cathie took the happy pills she would feel less pain. Fredcat was not the slightest bit sympathetic. "You left me at the v*t's office and then went out for a meal when I was having my teeth extracted, so now it's your turn. I am going to be extra nice to Mr. B. and I bet he'll give me no end of treats - because he is a bit soft like that."

"I can't believe that," muttered Cathie dryly, slowly downing the happy pills. But, in the end she went to the dentist's office and returned four hours later, feeling very, very groggy. "I'm going to lie down now for an hour or two" she said, "so you carry on, Fredcat, and dictate your diary to Mr. B.," and she promptly fell asleep.

Playmates! Large image

"Okey-dokey, Mr. B.," said Fredcat, when they were both settled, "Let's have a look at this e-mail from Susan L. It seems that a baby fawn was found by a woman who had little choice but to bring it inside her house as the weather was too inclement to leave said creature outdoors. Generally speaking it's not a good idea to take animals out of their natural environment, even if they are hurt or are sick, as they have great trouble adjusting to the outdoors later."

"Rather like you then," smiled Mr. B., but he said it sotto voce, that Fredcat wouldn't hear. In the grumpy one's opinion, things were going well (too well!) so far, and the diary needed to be finished as quickly as possible.

"It seems that this Susan L has a thing about d*gs," remarked Fredcat, "she likes both sets of creatures. As for me, it's not that I dislike these creatures, but they always seem to want to be either over-friendly or over-boisterous and, being a sensitive soul, I prefer my solitude, thank you very much. If I had a choice, I'd much prefer no other creatures to come sniffing around me, cats, d*gs or fawns, thank you!"

"And I mean to say," he added, thoughtfully, "what kind of a d*g would readily curl up with a fawn? I ask you. Probably a bit soft, I should imagine. If you want creatures around you, then you're best searching for creatures with brains - like me!" And he sauntered off to bask in a selfish glow, whilst Cathie slept on.

Back to top

October 21st 2004

Responding to e-mails! Large image

Fredcat was staring hard at the computer screen. Several e-mails had come in and he was just about to dictate replies. He turned to his best human friend, Cathie, and said, "you know there are some very nice people out there who enjoy my website! They send me very interesting e-mails, and I need to reply to them as soon as possible."

"Okey-doke, where do we begin?" said Cathie, fingers poised, "I see that Dana C has had rain where she lives. Surely that can't be very interesting. We have rain here all the time and that's not newsworthy! Best move on to the next e-mail."

"Not so fast," said Fredcat quickly, "she lives in the desert, and it's the first time it's rained there in six months! It so surprised the locals (who weren't used to driving in the wet stuff) that most stayed at home that day. Some of the cards that did venture out ended up going swimming instead!"

"Welcome to the Having To Drive In The Rain Club!" hooted Mr. B., "but I see that she also admired your mouse-catching abilities, even though the mouse appeared to be a tiny little thing. In addition, I see that several of your correspondents want a blow-by-blow account on the progress of you recent spate of illness. I think it's just a cold - and that you are kidding us right royally. As far as I can see the medicine appears to be working - at last. We will see, no?"

Mr. B. continued, "Although it takes two humans to persuade you to help you take your meds, I noticed that you've not slowed down in the slighest, Fredcat. I make that the third bowl of catfood today! Anyway, you can tell these kind people that we will continue to make sure that you are forc.. fed the meds as usual."

"But, but ..." Fredcat spluttered, the thought of his medicine throwing him for quite a loop, "Dana C. has e-mailed me all about the New York cat show and I need to paste a link to that to check out if it is worthwhile! Apparently there are cats on show there who are nowhere near as svelte as I." At this point Fredcat stopped, purred contentedly, and decided to give up dictating for a while. "There is another nice e-mail here, Fredcat, it's about a fawn ..." suggested Cathie, but Fredcat was already sloping off.

"I'll deal with that tomorrow or the next day," he said over his shoulder as he went to have a few thousand winks before he had to get ready for bedtime. One has to keep up one's strength - and sleep is important for a famous cat.

Back to top

October 20th 2004

Hallowe'en musings Large image

"Today's weather was nice and warm, although temperatures are definitely falling," thought Fredcat. "Soon it will be the end of October - and Hallowe'en once more! Carved pumpkins, Hallowe'en costumes for young and old (even Hallowe'en costumes for cats, according to my best human friend!), orange and black Hallowe'en decorations, Hallowe'en candy by the bucketful, Hallowe'en Trick or Treaters ..."

"Will you be putting on that silly wizard's costume again?" he enquired, turning to the grumpy Mr. B., "I thought you looked particularly bizarre last year, more so than usual! You didn't frighten anyone, not even the little ones."

"It's not about frightening people," replied Mr. B. stiffly, "the aim is to join in the fun and take a day off from the norm. Dressing up is part and parcel for the children, who also appear to enjoy the terrible Hallowe'en jokes that abound at this time of year."

"I see all the humans are going to a neighborhood Hallowe'en Barbecue on Saturday October 30th," remarked Fredcat, looking at the invitation gracing the mantlepiece. "Isn't that pushing the idea of having Hallowe'en on the last day of October just a bit?"

"One must be practical," reassured Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "Folks can't have a barbecue on a Sunday whilst all the children are out and about Trick or Treating. And don't forget that parents go along with their Trick or Treaters to see that no harm comes to their children en route."

"Anyway, you can rest assured that the barbecue will be an excellent one and we will definitely be bringing back some tasty beefburgers for a ginger and white friend of ours - so that thought should mollify you," added Cathie - and it did!

Back to top

October 19th 2004

Definitely NOT an obese cat! Large image

"When the v*t put me on the scales the other day did he notice any significant changes in my weight?" asked The Famous One. "That's a bit odd coming from you," said Mr. B., "it's usually we humans who are really interested in our weight. What's on your mind?"

"Well, you see, it's no real problem for me if my weight remains fairly constant over the years but I am concerned about the quality of nosh you humans serve up for me. I see that in England, the v*tinary profession are very worried about the heaviness of the pet population. It seems that an insurance report stated that more and more pets are becoming obese due to the wrong kind of feeding and lack of exercise!" said Fredcat.

"I don't know whether to be thankful or not that you don't overeat - look at this cat! You certainly cost us an arm and a leg in grub," frowned Cathie, "but, on the other hand, you do get lots of exercise with all the stairs and steps you have to climb around here. And without your excellent mobility you wouldn't be able to keep catching mice!"

"You meant to add, at his age, didn't you," snickered Mr. B. (narrowly avoiding a kick in the shins). He continued, regardless, "I think that before you start to worry about your weight (which incidentally proved to be absolutely average, you haven't been overeating at all) you should start to be more concerned about tidiness. Your latest sleeping area is a mess and your feeding area is in a shocking state with bits of your latest meal plastered all over your plate. Can't you be be a little tidier?"

Fredcat regarded Mr. B. with due scorn, "I'm a famous cat, I deserve more than a little latitude over domestic matters, and I have human servants simply because I'm so famous," he retorted, loudly. This last salvo quite took Mr. B.'s breath away but before he could respond, Fredcat was whisked away by Cathie for more of his daily medical dosing, which put The Famous One firmly in his place. Thank Heavens!

Back to top

October 18th 2004

Mousecatcher Marvelcat! Large image

The cat door into the Fredcat residence banged open as Fredcat charged into the hallway. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, jumped up in alarm. "Do you have to make that racket?" said Mr. B., grumpily, "I'm trying to watch a replay of the latest televised broadcast between the presidential candidates, Mr. Bush and Mr. Kerry."

"Oh, forget that," said Fredcat, excitedly, as he ran towards his best human friend. "This is much more interesting!" Well, that's what he intended to say, but all that came out of his mouth was a series of high pitched squeaks. He was carrying something which he promptly dropped on the floor next to Cathie, who, shuddering, had no problem in making out the form of a dead mouse, all four feet pointing upwards.

"Wow!" said Mr. B., "we thought that you'd stopped catching mice, it's been over a year since you caught one! What's happened? Have you found a new nest?" His tone, however, implied that he thought that Fredcat was way past it and had no reasonable right to be catching mice at his (advanced) age. He had wisely refrained from saying this out loud, however, in case Cathie responded with a stinging rebuke.

Before Cathie could gather her wits, however, the mouse suddenly turned over and leapt to its feet - it had clearly been playing d*ggo! She yelled, "Fredcat! Mr. B.!" and retired (aka fled) to the far corner of the living room. "How is it that you, who're supposed to be recovering from, at the very least, a bad cold, can find the energy to go hunting?"

Fredcat, meanwhile, was trying to get a closer look at the mouse, but was thwarted by Mr. B. who had (almost magically) removed said creature to the great outdoors, where s/he could have some small chance of survival (or not).

The standard method of dealing with Fredcat's triumphs (!) was to provide a fresh bowl of best beef cat food. It would probably taste better than bits of mouse, thought Cathie, and would divert his attention from the wounded mouse. No human in the Fredcat household relished seeing Fredcat slowly dismembering the poor creature (ugh!). To see him playing with it was also quite out of the question. The Feed Him Cat Food Ruse was successful this time, although Fredcat did make one final plea to have his catch officially recognised and added to his tally of mouse kills.

"What are we going to do with you," sighed Cathie, "one minute you are snuffling away like nobody's business and the next it's, Crumbs! He's caught a mouse!"

"Actually," said Fredcat, "I think the mouse was disturbed by the baby fawn that fled into our back garden at the sight of a car making its way past the Fredcat residence late on. The fawn was probably scared by the noise and lights."

Cathie reeled in amazement, "A mouse and a fawn, at this time of night?" She looked at Fredcat and said, "It's time you and I went to our beds and we will continue this discussion tomorrow. Right now my mind is in a whirl. Come on, you ..."

Back to top

October 16th 2004

Miserable days inside! Large image

At first, it looked as if Fredcat was kidding and that he wasn't so ill after all. No sneezing, no coughs and, with a good meal inside him, he looked and acted great. But it couldn't - and didn't - last. All the earlier symptoms quickly reappeared with a vengeance and soon Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was opening a fresh bottle of medicine obtained from the v*t's office.

Cathie, with the assistance of the grumpy Mr. B., had developed a slick technique for administering the medicine and within a minute Fredcat was ingesting the first of what would probably turn out to be many, many dollops of medical goo. Fredcat was probably unwell enough that his struggles and objections were muted. The net result was that a couple of minutes later Fredcat was swiftly heading for the great outdoors.

On his return, Fredcat asked Cathie how she thought things were going. "I believe that one of my problems is called Montezuma's Revenge, but I can't recall having had any foreign travel for quite some time, so how is this possible?"

"One gets tummy upsets from time to time," intoned Cathie, "I suspect that one can get that condition if one is not careful with one's eating and drinking habits." She looked at Fredcat sternly, "Are you sure that you've not been eating bad food, for example?"

"Absolutely not," replied Fredcat, indignantly, "I only eat what you provide, apart from some nice juicy grass to help with the digestion. Are you sure that you've been giving me good fresh food?"

Cathie then watched in amazement as Fredcat demolished a whole packet of fresh cat meat, then tackled the remains of Mr. B.'s cornflake milk before eating a small mountain of tuna. As soon as that was finished he waited patiently for the butler to open the front door and sauntered outside to inspect the supposed new front lawn.

"This is all a puzzle for me," remarked Cathie, "I was very concerned that Fredcat was becoming dehydrated but he seems to be alright apart from this wretched cold of his. What's to do? We'll just have to wait and see over the next few days, methinks ...."

Back to top

October 15th 2004

Recovering from a v*t office visit Large image

Following his recent sneezing sessions, Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had put her foot down with a firm hand. "OK, my lad," she cried, "enough's enough, it's back to the v*t you go!" Fredcat's howls of rage echoed around the room. "Noooooo!," he cried, "no more teeth are to be extracted if you please, it's bad enough chomping with the reduced set I've been left with after the last visit to that place!"

But Cathie was firm. "Never mind the eating thing, it's more important you get the correct medical attention from the v*t and it'll be up to the excellent Dr. H. to sort out the problem once again, so keep quiet until we get there."

As Cathie and the grumpy Mr. B. drove the three miles to the vet's office, Mr. B. steadily intoned the number of enraged meows Fredcat made during the journey. "Only sixty this trip," remarked Mr. B., dryly, "that's well short of the hundred and ten of the last visit!"

Inside, Fredcat was taken to one of the examination rooms. He was disgusted to realise that it was a d*g's examination room. Everywhere there were pictures of d*gs! D*g medications. D*g toys. D*gs everywhere! Fredcat felt quite hemmed in until he spotted a solitary cat picture around the light switch. That gave him hope.

Soon he was weighed, had his temperature taken (such an indignity!) by the ever-patient Jennifer (he was pleased when she pronounced that he didn't have a fever) and was then fully examined by the excellent Dr. H., using all sorts of optical instruments. Surprisingly, apart from one snort (from a frustrated Fredcat who was having to suffer being attended to in the d*g's room) the examination was conducted in a peaceful fashion. No cries of annoyance, no pleas to be let out, just a resigned Fredcat on his best behaviour.

"No major problems that I can see for a fifte.., ahem, for a five year old cat," the good doctor concluded, "He appears to be in good shape, all things considered." He went into all sorts of medical details (which only he and Cathie really understood) and soon Fredcat was on his way out to the car with Mr. B., leaving Cathie to deal with the financials (as usual!).

On the way home Fredcat gave just one final exasperated meow as he leapt swiftly into the car and then there was silence for the rest of the journey home - he knew that he would soon be safe and sound on home soil.

Once at home, he shot out of the car and was soon swallowing his third big meal of the day. "Well, you've all heard of that very useful rule - Feed a Cold and Starve a Fever - and as I have no fever and have been diagnosed with a retsp.. disease, reset.. disease, diagnosed with a cold, I need to have my insides fed with best beef or the equivalent. Make it snappy!"

It's really quite remarkable that Fredcat has stopped sneezing," said Cathie, frowning, "ever since we decided to visit the v*t he's stopped sneezing and hacking. I suspect he'll be sneezing quietly outside from now on, so as not to alarm us. We'll just have to wait and see what gives ..."

Back to top

October 14th 2004

Raining, Raining, all day long! Large image

"Well, you wanted it to rain and now you have rain - by the bucketful," complained Fredcat, in disgust. "You emigrated to North Carolina to take advantage of the great sunshine-y weather - and now you want rain? How daft can one get?!" "It's all to do with ensuring that the grass seed for the new lawn gets to germinate properly," replied Mr. B., "it needs plenty of rain and sun and we should be having both at this time of the year."

"With the amount of rain we've just experienced you needn't worry about the grass seed, it's all been washed away by now," grumbled Fredcat. "So all you will have achieved will have been a vast expenditure of hard-earned cash, lots of unnecessary hose-watering, and a lot of worry over a lawn that isn't going to be. And I happen to like the nice blades of grass that a decent lawn produces. Now you will have to create an instant lawn by planting lots of sods - at even more expense!"

"Well, I'm an optimist," said Mr. B., stiffly, "and I think it will all turn out fine, just you wait and see. The ditches that I have dug around the garden will enable much of the excess rainwater to drain away which will leave suffficient to get this lawn going safely."

"Optimist! You!" snorted Fredcat, having to lie down with tears rolling down his little face. He laughed so much that he started another bout of sneezing until his best human friend, Cathie, came running to save him from himself.

"It's the v*t's office for you, my lad," she stated firmly, "let's have a good look at you." But once Fredcat explained the situation she had to agree that Mr. B's optimism was, well, optimistic. "I suppose you've fixed the broken shelf in the fridge, have you?" she said, giving Mr. B. a withering look. "That shelf has been wonky for over a year now - perhaps that's why the milk keeps curdling ...."

Mr. B. looked at Cathie in puzzlement, not following this line of reasoning at all. All he now understood was that the fridge shelf job had assumed a number one priority in the Fredcat residence and so he'd better get on with it.

And as he moved off to get the necessary tools they all heard the thunder start. "Never mind," said Fredcat, with a smirk on his face, "you can always re-seed again next year. In the meantime I'll just have to eat more juicy shop-bought meat to compensate for the lack of greenery essential to a proper feline diet. Oh, woe is me", he snickered, and trotted off to his food bowl. This could work to his advantage ...

Back to top

October 13th 2004

Dangerous tomatoes! Large image

"I have long suspected it, but I think Mr. B. is out to get me," declared Fredcat. "Look, today (after many weeks of being both cough-free and splutter-free) I've had a couple of explosive, sneezing sessions and, as a consequence, I've had to have many more hours of sleep to bring me back to normality." Fredcat's best human friend., Cathie, looked at him, askance. "I don't think even Mr. B. would sink that low," she said, "Come on, eat up your breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day, you know!"

"It's true," claimed Fredcat, "look at the way he glares at me! Especially when you are not looking. It's got to the state that when he goes out to look over his precious garden, I have to tag along to see that he doesn't get up to any mischief."

"Oh, my goodness," said Cathie, "now look here, in one of his more reflective moods, Mr. B. told me that he was quite touched by your companionship on these little garden walks and he was beginning to feel quite friendly towards you. I think you're beginning to become a little paranoid about Mr. B. Now stop that, and relax!"

"I have evidence," said Fredcat, darkly. "As you know, Mr. B. has been growing tomatoes all summer. He took a packet of seeds, grew them on a tray, planted them out, watered them assiduously and has been harvesting plum tomatoes this autumn. He showed me where he grows them, round the back of the house."

"Yes I know, they are very nice tomatoes, we've enjoyed eating them, and I'm pleased that he's found something worthwhile to do with his spare time," replied Cathie, puzzled. "What's wrong with that? And furthermore it was I who bought the packet of seeds for him in the first place."

"Have you seen the list of items that are harmful to cats?" demanded Fredcat, "look down that list and you'll see that tomatoes are listed as a danger. And what is more, there are many other things on the list that we have in our garden that are dangerous to cats!"

"Yes like belladonna, buttercups, crocus bulbs, deadly nightshade, hemlock, junipers, oleanders, poinsettia, sweet peas and tobacco leaves," said Cathie, tartly. "Or so they say! We certainly don't have many of those in the garden and those we do grow have been here for years. So stop fiddling with your worry beads and have some more tuna fish - and forget this nonsense at once!" So, for once, Fredcat did as he was told and was soon chomping away.

Back to top

October 12th 2004

Yesterday was Columbus Day! Large image

"Today, October 12th, is Columbus Day in the US", announced Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. "Although in more recent times this day is celebrated on the second Monday in October, which was yesterday." "So why is that?" enquired Fredcat, "why change the date of a significant happening in the annals of US history?"

"My Dear Boy," replied Cathie, "it appears that the powers-that-be have more recently decided upon a pragmatic approach to public holidays such that wherever possible they are celebrated at the beginning, or end of a week. That means that hard pressed public workers (and their managers!) can enjoy a long weekend break - which is much more convenient."

"So yesterday was Columbus Day, and yesterday also (for the benefit our Canadian readers - as if they didn't know already!) was Canadian Thanksgiving Day," added Cathie.

"So no matter where you were in North America, you had a day off!" said Mr. B., "now I understand."

"Oh yes," chortled Fredcat, "I watched Mr. B. trot all the way down to the mailbox not once, not twice, but three times yesterday to check for mail, to no avail. Nobody else in our road was doing so because they all knew that there would be no mail run today. We Brits have such a lot to learn (well, some of us do)."

"Hang on, Fredcat," said Cathie, "I had to go to work as usual, and I had to get up early, and there were many, many others like me working in shops and malls etc."

"But the banks were all closed," said Mr. B., "and I should know because I went all the way out to mine and there was a distinct lack of activity there! I'll need to make another trip there soon. Huh!"

"Just as long as you don't muddle up my weekly shopping orders," growled Fredcat, "I need a constant supply of nourishment and am willing to make myself a nuisance if it all goes pear-shaped."

"And how!" muttered Mr. B., but he sped off before Fredcat could find a suitable retort.

Back to top

October 11th 2004

Pensions for cats please! Large image

Fredcat was deep in thought. When his best human friend, Cathie, had come down for breakfast and was in a receptive mood (even though the weekend had ended and she was soon to leave for work) he posed the following delicate question. "When humans reach that certain age and stop going to work, how can they afford to continue to live as they have been living?"

Of course Cathie missed the point of the question straight away. Any query relating to age was taboo in the Fredcat residence, unless it related to Fredcat's age itself (which is always 5). "Are you suggesting that I am of a certain age?!" she challenged, "I'll have you know I have plenty of get up and go in me yet!" And she huffed a bit and rustled the morning paper.

"Now, that's a deep question," remarked the grumpy Mr. B., jumping in before Cathie could become any more belligerent, "we (UK) humans operate a great system called Pensions, whereby we stash some of our hard-earned income away each pay period and use the money later to pay for our food and other stuff in our declining years. It's a very complicated system and, frankly, it keeps going wrong - but then, nothing is perfect." (Except me, thought Fredcat privately, but he let that particular subject pass.)

"I am not in my declining years," cried Cathie, "you may be, but I am not!" As she said this she pointed an accusing finger at the luckless Mr. B.

"Why do you want to know?" asked Mr. B. quickly, before matters could get out of hand. "Well, it's like this, said Fredcat slowly, "it just so happens that I've passed yet another birthday milestone (my 5th! again) and it occurred to me to wonder who was going to pay for me in my declining years. Especially as I haven't put any cash aside for my pension or whatever it is."

"Don't you worry your pretty little noggin about that," said a relieved Cathie, "First off, you won't have any declining years, Little One. You are permanently five years of age! Secondly, even though it will never be needed, there will always be a contingency plan to look after you my Sweet One, even if we have to send the Grumpy One out to work again; he doesn't seem to do much around the house when I am out working, anyway!"

Naturally, this led to just the sort of argument that Fredcat enjoyed, setting the humans off against one another; they could argue their case for hours, each one determined not to give in and be bested by the other. Anyway, one problem had been resolved, his future in the Fredcat residence was now secure (whoever of his humans won the argument) so Fredcat left them to it, went to grab some early lunch. And then a nap, perhaps?

Back to top

October 9th 2004

Wonderful e-cards! Large image

Fredcat was a bit wistful. The weather was still great but Fredcat didn't want the memory of his birthday to disappear so quickly. After all he didn't expect to have as many birthdays as do humans (who were clearly greedy in having around a hundred each). "I suppose that I'm lucky in having such a kind person as my best human friend, Cathie, who organises it all for me," he mused.

"Do other humans do this for their pets?" he queried, "it would seem only right and proper. After all, the pets provide a great deal of comfort to their human friends. It shouldn't be all that difficult to arrange a small treat for them, at the very least." "Unfortunately most other humans don't do that sort of birthday thing for their animals," replied Cathie, "usually the smartest, cutest, and most famous cats and kittens (like you, my Famous Friend) get this treatment, although there are some exceptional cases for any number of clever pets - even d*gs."

"One of my close, personal friends, has told me that St Francis of Assisi is the patron saint of cats (amongst other animals)," said Fredcat, "it's nice to have someone, possibly even more famous than me, looking after me." At this, Cathie was very quick to point out that, famous as Fredcat was, he couldn't possibly hold a candle to the esteem in which St Frances was universally held.

Now this definition of famosity surprised Fredcat (for he had arrogantly assumed that he was the most famous entity in the universe) and it was a bit startling to have to come down from his self-erected pedestal and submit to a higher order. "And what's more," added Cathie, "your friend has reminded us that your birthday and that of St. Francis are one and the same! How amazing is that?"

"Not amazing at all," replied our Mighty One, recovering his composure, "clearly my mother must have done something really good to have been allowed to give birth to me on such a favoured day."

"So has your day been good?" enquired Cathie, "I think you've just about sorted out your Thank You e-mails for your birthday greetings. Let's see, Tracy, Wanda, Susie B. (Sox), Susan L. (Weezer), Dana, Marg, Jane (Charlie), Ianeyes, Teresa T (Petey, Mia and Tally), the esteemed Jimmy (Tinker), and others. OK, that's good. A little bedtime treat is in order, methinks. But first, let's have another run through of the e-cards, there are loads of them from all over." And so, Constant Reader, they happily viewed again all the e-cards until darkness descended, when they trotted off to bed.

Back to top

October 8th 2004

Haircuts for all! Large image

Fredcat looked on as Mr. B. showed off his new hair style. He appeared bald, or almost so. "Where's the hair then, matey," joshed Fredcat, "whatever hair follicles you used to enjoy have become all mussed up and there's nothing left. Absolutely nowt!" "I have to be a bit radical at times," smiled Mr. B. (though it appeared to Fredcat as if Mr. B. looked more than a bit evil).

"Are you practicing for Hallowe'en?" he asked, innocently. But Mr. B. just looked back, and said, "Don't laugh at me, remember how the v*t gave you a bit of a shave, before you toothy medication. Just be grateful that you only need a brush and not a full blown haircut and shave."

"Come on, Mr. B.", said Fredcat, hastily changing the subject, "I need to dictate all those birthday Thank You replies. And it has to be done NOW." So they did, or at least they did until Fredcat got a bit tired and needed a lie down and rest.

"It's going to be a long time before my next birthday," he said. "It seems very unfair that I have so few of them compared to you humans who have scores of them throughout your life. Mind you, I get nine lives so I am not so badly off after all, and I have hardly used any so far!"

And with that strange thought, Fredcat ambled off to take a nap on the screened porch, leaving Mr. B. to tidy up the e-mails, and soon he, too, was fast asleep on the settee ...

Back to top

October 7th 2004

Meteorologicals not good for the grass Large image

Fredcat watched as Mr. B. trundled out the hose. Then another one - and then another one! He started to unscrew the end pieces and soon he had joined them all together in one long snaking line. It was an odd combination as each hose was coloured differently, one green, one yellow and one with a thin green line down its black exterior.

"Are you trying for the world record on joined-up hose lengths?" quipped our Mighty Mouser. "I'll borrow one from next door if you like - what colour would you like?" Mr. B., whose hands were getting a bit muddy from all this joining-up stuff, glared at Fredcat, and simply turned the water tap (faucet!) full on and aimed it in Fredcat's direction.

Nothing happened. "Must be an air bubble," said Mr. B., peering into the end of the hose, just in time to catch a face full of water (having completely forgotten that, with a very long hose, it takes a few moments for water to travel its length). And by the time he'd wiped his eyes, and refocused his aim, Fredcat had hopped it behind the edge of the garage wall, safely out of range.

"If you are going to water that lawn yourself, you are going to have your work cut out," he said. "Why, oh why did you have the lawn re-seeded just at the beginning of a long dry spell?! With calm winds, a cloudless sky, and a forecast of nothing in the form of wet stuff coming down on the Fredcat residence and garden for the next week or so, you're going to be very busy with that hose, carting it back and forth all day."

Fredcat settled himself at a safe distance from the watery Mr. B. He remembered the time - when they were still living in England - when his best human friend, Cathie, had teased Mr. B. by surreptitiously turning off the tap, because she was fed up with him spending so much time in the garden instead of helping out in the house. This had led to a fascinating difference of views which Fredcat had enjoyed watching no end.

But times had apparently changed. Now it seemed that Cathie actually liked the idea of Mr. B. spending a lot of time in the garden. "Must be changes in the air," thought Fredcat, finally popping inside to finish off the rest of the meat in the food bowl. People do change, don't they ...?

Back to top

October 6th 2004

Comfortable grass! Large image

It was another beautiful day, not a cloud in sight. Everything was back to normal. Breakfast was on time, and now the sun was shining brightly as Fredcat made his way to the screened porch for a few hours' rest. But suddenly the Famous One's peace was disturbed by the sound of a trailer driving up and parking, and men disembarking and unloading machines. Oh, no!

"Surely not more trees to be cut and stumps to be ground down," cried Fredcat, in surprise, "we are decimating the front garden - at this rate there won't be any trees left for me to scratch to bits!"

"Not so," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "this time it's a simple case of aeration seeding the lawn. Having killed off the bad old lawn a couple of weeks ago, it is time to re-seed the lawns afresh. The first machine the men are going to use will dig up tiny plugs of earth in the barren-looking lawn, and the second whirling-dervish-looking machine is simply a seed dispenser, scattering grass seeds in all directions."

"A bit hit-and-miss, in my opinion," commented Fredcat, "I reckon I could easily dig holes in the ground like that, with my super-sharp claws, and then anyone could go walkabout with a bag of grass seed and chuck it around higgledy-piggledy with the same result. I bet I could do the job in half the time and I wouldn't make half as much noise either!"

"I could bring along some of my feline friends to help," he continued, "although a large number of them are indoor cats with clipped claws - so that might present a bit of a problem in the digging sense. I could, at a pinch, even extend the invitation to some d*gs of my acquaintance, they would surely be only too willing to help."

Cathie blanched at this. "I think we best leave it to the men," she said, "although Mr. B. now has the interesting, and time-consuming, task of watering the seeds and making sure the seedlings germinate properly. And as the weather forecast is set to continue to be fine for the next few days he will have his work cut out for him doing that!"

"Sounds like a plan," smiled Fredcat, "it will get him out of my hair for a few days at least." And he set off in search of food before heading off for a bit of a doze. It was still quite warm ...

Back to top

October 5th 2004

Reliving yesterday! Large image

Fredcat woke up, stretched, yawned, groomed himself a trifle and went in search of Mr. B. Unfortunately, Mr. B. was not in the same sunny mood as he was yesterday and he flatly refused to budge from his nice warm bed!! Of course, there was no chance of a repeat rendering of the Happy Birthday Fredcat song, not that the Mighty Moggie would want it after yesterday's cacophony!

"I'll get you breakfast for a change," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, tumbling from bed. "This was indeed good news," thought Our Hero, "I always receive an extra large portion of food when Cathie feeds me," and the two trotted happily downstairs, leaving Mr. B. to lie in for a while.

"I had some wonderful birthday messages from all over," said Fredcat, "it's great to hear from my many world-wide friends. I'll have to spend time today dictating thank-you messages to them all. Some of the e-cards are really wild," he went on, "one cat, certainly not I (!), was seen clawing out a birthday greeting on the family furniture in short order. It was great (!)"

"And one of the e-cards needed a paw to tap a line of cats to play the Happy Birthday Fredcat tune. I made Mr. B play it many, many times when my little paws got tired. Those kittens sang a lot better than he did!"

Later, Cathie had another chat with Fredcat asking him how his day had been and wondering if he had found it all a bit flat after the birthday celebrations. "Indeed, no," chortled Fredcat, "I've had a wonderful time today watching a workman play with one of the biggest toys you could imagine!"

Grinding out the stumps! Large image

"It's not a toy, it's a tree stump grinding machine," explained Cathie, "If you want to cut down a dead tree and plant something in its place, you need to get rid of the stump and that's what this machine does." "It certainly made quite a racket," admitted Fredcat," but it was fun to see it wheeling and turning so deftly, in and out of the other trees. This must be the ultimate in Boys' Toys!"

"But now the day is nearly done," he continued, "so if you will excuse me I am off to the screened porch for a bit of a kip. The air is lovely and cool at this time of the year. I hope there is more fun like this around here tomorrow!" And off he went ....

Back to top

October 4th 2004

Birthday Beef Boy! Large image

The day had started well for Fredcat. Mr. B. could hardly complain at being woken up nice and early. It was, after all, Fredcat's birthday! Despite a late night there was little Mr. B. could do but grin and bear it. After all, he knew that today was the birthday of Fredcat the Famous, and Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie had provided strict instructions on expected human behaviour!

"A good breakfast is needed to start the day right," said Fredcat, and watched in amazement as Mr. B., with a fixed smile (almost frozen, one would say) handed over a mountainous plate of fresh juicy beef. Fredcat also watched in stunned silence as Mr. B. stood perfectly still, hands clasped behind his back, and sang in a broken falsetto, the Happy Birthday Fredcat song - all the way through without stopping.

"I can't believe this is happening," croaked Fredcat, stuffing best beef into his mouth with gusto. "Are you ill or something?" At this point Cathie, waltzed into the kitchen and immediately burst into a second refrain of the Happy Birthday song. "This is weird," exclaimed Fredcat, "but it's fine by me! Just don't ask Mr. B. to sing again - I don't want a headache to spoil my birthday."

"And you just hold on before you pop outside for your morning constitutional, Fredcat" said Cathie, and presented him with a birthday card, a toy cat birthday present, and a big hug. Fredcat quickly wriggled free. "Come on, I'm a male cat and we don't like overt expressions of affection in front of other males. It's embarrassing. But the toy cat is very nice," he conceded, "although it doesn't actually do anything does it, it just is ..."

Cathie took not the slightest notice of this, recognising the standard reactions of young males to affection. "You see Fredcat," interjected Mr. B., "the hug is not really for you, it's for Cathie, everybody knows that." Fredcat eyed Mr. B. warily and said, "Is that why you cackled the Happy Birthday Song to me first thing this morning, whilst looking like something the d*g dragged in?"

Balloons for the boy! Large image

"Got it in one," admitted Mr. B. "without my warbling a semblance of a birthday song to you, Cathie would be muttering not nice things to me all day long. Singing that song has put me in the clear." Fredcat looked past the Grumpy One and shouted, "Hey, balloons!! Are they for me? They're orange and white - my favourite colours, you know!"

"Yes," said Cathie, looking very pleased, "Mr. B and I sat up all night blowing those up using a helium inflation thingy." "Is that where Mr. B. got his squeaky voice from?" said Fredcat, smartly dodging a couple of biscuits carelessly aimed in his direction.

Finally though, Fredcat cleared his throat and said, "Well, thank you guys for your gifts, birthday greetings and birthday cards. I am now going to listen to my e-cards - they have nice soothing Meow-type music which will send me to sleep. See you later and make sure my tea is ready on time! Happy Birthday to me!

Back to top

October 1st 2004

Writing my newest Tails story Large image

Today is the first day of the month of October. Fredcat has been very busy writing his Fredcat Tails number 12 and he hopes very much that you enjoy reading it! He hopes also that you will forgive him if he takes a short break from writing more of his diary until Monday - his birthday!

"By the way," said Fredcat to his best human friend, Cathie, "I think that readers will need to read my story quite carefully because it is very lengthy and a little complex."

Fredcat would like to thank all those kind cats (and their human friends) for sending him their photographs and he hopes that all these cats and their best human friends will accept their roles in his story with equanimity.

"Now I am looking forward to my birthday on Monday when I will be fift.. " But Cathie stopped him from making a mistake, just in time. "You could never count properly, Fredcat," she said, "remember you will be five years old on Monday. Just remember that and all will be well!"

"O.K." said that worthy feline and went off to bed for a good pre-birthday rest.

Back to top