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Monday, October 31st 2005 (number 662)

Pumpkin Pie Fredcat! Large image

"Where is my best human friend, Cathie?" asked Fredcat, "She hasn't been around all day. I need her to give me a big chuck-a-chin and brush my beautiful ginger and white coat. That always makes me feel so contented." Fredcat had been looking everywhere for her. Soon his suspicions began to focus on Mr. B., who had been going about the Fredcat residence with a worried and abstracted air.

Even their surprise visitor, David, was showing signs of frowning his way through the very large plate of porridge he was eating as if his thoughts too were far away. "Where's Cathie?" demanded Fredcat, having finally gained the attention of both male humans. In fact, it was not easy to avoid the question as Fredcat had leapt onto the dining table and now stood foursquare between the porridge eaters and the big TV screen which was showing the latest sporting programmes.

"Off the table," said Mr. B. "You're never allowed up here and you know it," but Fredcat stood his ground. Mr. B. sighed, "OK I'd hoped you wouldn't find out so soon," he said, "but Cathie has had a bit of a turn and her temperature has rocketed so we had to take her to the hospital." Fredcat blinked, "How much is rocketed?" he demanded." Mr. B. looked uncomfortable and then replied meekly, "Um, 105 F."

"What!" exploded Fredcat, "At that level the brain starts to fry and my best human friend would be very ill indeed. And you just sit there watching sport! Huh! I need to see her straight away."

But Mr. B. said, "The ICU only allows two visitors at a time and there just too many humans queuing up to see Cathie." "This is terrible," thought Fredcat, "Is there nothing I can do to cheer her up?" At this David suggested, "How about sending her a nice Get Well message on your intaweb site, that might be nice."

So Fredcat did as suggested and dictated the following message: "Get well soon! Cathie, I need to have some more chuck-a-chins immediately, if not sooner. Love, Fredcat." What a kind cat to think of her in that way! He then went in search of food. He didn't care much for watching sport on TV but he did like his grub!

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Saturday, October 29th 2005 (number 661)

Fraternal Fredcat! Large image

The Famous One was feeling a tad down today after deciding not to take up residence in his sumptuous superspy flat yesterday. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, tried to cheer him up but with limited success. "Look here," she said, "just because there are practical difficulties in having your own sumptuous flat there's no reason to feel miserable. I'm sorry I was unable to be in your flat to provide you with food and the like but, after all, you did choose me to be your best human friend and that must mean something."

Fredcat sighed and silently agreed that he had to forgo some pleasures if he were to carry on being Fredcat the Famous, doing wondrous things. Suddenly he sat bold upright, his ginger and white tail absolutely still. "What if there were a second Fredcat the Famous!" he thought "A twin!" How was he to know that he was the only famous cat in his litter? Perhaps he had two or more twins! And, Heaven forbid, what if they weren't good felines - but were of a more sinister nature ...

He paced the floor of his famous residence, and pondered. Mother cats often had several kittens in a litter, and each cat would be the twin of the others, he reasoned, so he could have several twins. Maybe he even had female twins! Wow! He'd never thought of that! Some of these females might even have had kittens of their own, so Fredcat could be an uncle or, gulp, a great-uncle to cats that he knew nothing about! HUGE gulp!

He suddenly thought of the sinister Blofeld, whom James Bond had managed to terminate in one episode of the 007 stories. It turned out that he had had a twin. Fredcat ceased his wanderings in front of the pile of discarded paper bags on the floor of the dining room, and let his mind continue to wander. Hmmm, Blofeld, James Bond, more like James Blond, as the new hero had blond hair and not the black hair of many modern heros. Come to think of it, Fredcat had perfectly lovely white and ginger fur - that would go over beautifully on the big screen. Ah well, never mind. He pulled himself back to the real world and marched off to check out the contents of his food bowls.

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Friday, October 28th 2005 (number 660)

Dreaming of independence! Large image

Fredcat was nowhere to be seen. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had gone shopping, leaving very early, almost before the stores were open. Mr. B. looked in all the usual places but Fredcat had been too clever for him and was nowhere to be seen. With a sigh of relief Mr. B. sat down to do the Times crossword (but only the Quick version, not the Cryptic version, the latter was far too difficult for him!) and made himself a second cup of steaming hot tea.

A rattle of the doorknob to the garage disturbed Mr. B. and he went to the door to see two beaming faces peering at him over the top of a vast mountain of plastic bags. "See what we've bought for my sumptuous new flat!" said Fredcat, excitedly. "And see how much money we've saved!" added Cathie, with the sort of dazzling smile that all human males dread.

Soon the floor of the Fredcat residence was littered with the results of the day's shopping. Item after item (all in the distinctive ginger and white colours of Fredcat himself) being proudly displayed for the benefit of the transfixed Mr. B.; undoubtedly there were oodles of reasons why, for example, the purchase of a third set of teaspoons was considered essential. The Grumpy One couldn't quite figure this out - yet the delighted duo seemed to find not only this purchase but all the others entirely plausible. Fredcat hopped gingerly from one discarded plastic bag to another discarded plastic bag and ordered that all such bags be gathered up and taken to his new flat because he liked the rustling sound when he walked on them. It also saved on carpets and rugs!

Everything looked perfect and then perfection itself was improved upon when the news came through - the sumptuous new flat was his at last!! Fredcat swelled with pride. No longer would he have to suffer the indignities of residing with humans (one of his feline friends had had a terrible mishap during the building of his new residence). Fredcat's new PC was almost ready with a fantastic new monitor and all was well with the world.

Then the bombshell struck. "You do realise that you will be living entirely on your own in your sumptuous flat," said Cathie, with a tinge of unease in her voice, "We've tried to warn you but you've been deaf to our hints. You'll be living completely on your own and we won't be there to help you at all!"

Fredcat gulped, not once, not twice, but three times. His world of the super spy, complete with sumptuous flat, came crashing down. No best human friend? No Grumpy One to get his breakfasts even? Gulp again. "I say, Cathie," he began, but Cathie, ever perceptive, had anticipated this. "We'll rent out or sell this flat to another human family and hopefully you can visit them whenever you like," she said. Fredcat nodded appreciatively, and sank gratefully into her arms. He needed his Cathie. He was so comfortable that he fell fast asleep in her protective arms.

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Thursday, October 27th 2005 (number 659)

Gazzumped! Large image

All morning long Fredcat had been pacing the floor of his famous residence, desperately wanting to know if any progress had been made on the purchase of his sumptuous (and soon to be famous) flat. It was difficult to get to the family PC and check matters out because an unexpected visitor was monopolising it with various programmes of his own.

"Is there any chance that I - or Mr. B. - can have a few minutes on the intawebs?" complained Fredcat at last, "We have some very important stuff to do about finding a flat," but David was almost in another world as he rapidly typed out a salvo of keystrokes on the computer.

"If I don't get to rent this flat after all the hard work I've put into it I'll be very upset," moaned Fredcat. His ginger and white tail stood up stiffly, daring anyone to thwart him. Finally with a lunge and a swooosh, he leapt onto the computer desk and commandeered the PC. "Errr, do you mind doing some typing for me?" he said to David, "I find it a little difficult myself, as I don't have opposable thumbs. Look! See?"

But even with this new help, Fredcat found that he was involved in online intaweb auctions using the eBay thang. As each desirable flat came around, and the minutes and then seconds ticked down, Fredcat would learn that he'd lost out once again and another flat had gone. He became more and more anxious.

"Even if you get the flat, you'll still need lots of additional furniture - especially white goods," remarked Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. "You mean ginger and white goods," growled an irate Fredcat, as yet another auction was lost.

"Take it easy!" said Cathie, "Something good will turn up, it always does. See here, this flat might suit you, it's got plenty of room for all your round beds and there's even an entry phone so that you can screen out visitors that you don't want to see."

"Me screening visitors? Now, that's a silly notion," snorted Fredcat, "I like visitors and I shall welcome them all, so long as they bring me loads of things to eat."

Cathie looked at him intently, "As you have no opposable thumbs, how are you going to open your tins of cat food if neither me nor Mr. B. are there to do it for you?" Fredcat looked worried for a brief moment. "Oh, don't worry, something good will turn up. It always does!" he said at last, "I'm a very optimistic feline - as well as being hugely famous. I'll get by, you'll see," and Cathie had to be content with that.

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Wednesday, October 26th 2005 (number 658)

Perfectionist Fredcat Large image

Fredcat was still on about James Bond the next morning. "Do you know that there was a wonderful film about 007 where he meets this man (a bit of a villain admittedly) who had a beautiful white cat that he was always stroking. The cat had a super role in the film and I've always thought that with my undoubted famousness I would have been perfect for the role."

Fredcat sat up straight and tried to take on the aura of a glamorous screen moggie mogul but without a great deal of success. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, looked at him with a slight curl of her lip. "Do you realise that this Blofeld person didn't do very well by the end of the film though it isn't clear what happened to the cat. He or she was probably very well paid though," she added wistfully.

Fredcat asked Cathie just how far she had got with the details of his new sumptuous flat. "Well, Err," she began, "There seems to be a problem in that you have to provide references before you can move in and the current owner won't allow just anyone to move in without some sort of check on their identity." "But I'm Fredcat the Famous!" yelled Our Maestro. Very loudly indeed. "Yes indeed," replied Cathie, in a soothing tone but even that may not be enough. These people also want to know how you intend to pay for the flat."

"Pay!" screeched Fredcat, "I assume you have loads of money around the Fredcat residence and can easily afford these things." He waved all of his four paws in the air, one after the other, in a totally dismissive manner. "Why don't you just buy the flat outright," argued Fredcat, "Then we wouldn't be bothered with landlords and all that nonsense."

"But this flat of yours will cost us oodles and oodles of money," protested Cathie, "and I only earn buttons from my work place, no matter how hard I work!" She gave a little shudder of her own. "But I only need a few things to make it nice," said Fredcat but Cathie wasn't listening. She thought that Fredcat just didn't understand high finance. "Buttons," she said aloud, and decided to make herself a nice cup of tea. Oh dear...

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Tuesday, October 25th 2005 (number 657)

Bachelor Fredcat Large image

"Where does James Bond live?" asked Fredcat, "It must be some place very nice where he can relax after all those wonderfully exciting adventures of his. I wonder, does he live in England or Scotland? If I were James Bond I would have a very exclusive flat in the centre of London so that I could get out and about in the city where all the fabulous shows like Cats are close at hand."

Fredcat performed another one of his now infamous Kung-Fu moves using just two of his four paws. He then leapt up and down with great rapidity, kicking his limbs out sideways, but to no great effect, unfortunately. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, watched him intently and waited patiently until the thrashing about ceased. "Why do you want to know where James Bond actually lives, Fredcat?" she enquired, "I'm sure it's kept a closely guarded secret from we humans."

"Well, I've been thinking," Fredcat replied, "if we're not moving to a superior new Fredcat residence," (this comment was accompanied by a lengthy glare directed at Cathie and Mr. B. who simply stared back woodenly), "then perhaps I ought to have my very own flat. A bachelor pad, to boot," he added, "Where I can entertain other felines - and some carefully selected humans too, at my pleasure."

The inference was obvious, Cathie and Mr. B. would not be given a key to the new Fredcat residence. The answer was swift. "Ha!" snapped Cathie, "And who do you think will pay for this wondcerful residence of yours? Not I, certainly." "Me neither!" chipped in Mr. B. They both glared at the Mighty One.

But Fredcat was unfazed, "If James Bond can get himself a stunning pad to live in when he isn't working on one of his many spy adventures, then surely I, as an equally famous Mighty One, can easily afford a brand new place. I'll leave the details to you guys."

And with this, he walked airily off towards his feeding bowls; already he was envisioning himself, sat in his superior new flat, dressed to kill, lording it over an admiring group of friends as he regaled them with tales of derring-do, whilst he sipped a strawberry milk shake. Cathie shook her head. "Would Fredcat understand the difficulties that lay ahead if he goes ahead with all this?" She wondered, but Fredcat himself didn't care, he was in seventh heaven, surrounded my admirers. Which he thoroughly deserves, of course.

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Monday, October 24th 2005 (number 656)

Spymaster Fredcat Large image

Fredcat was busy reading all about the new James Bond. As he read, his eyes clouded over as he imagined himself leaping from one heroic situation to another, rescuing feline damsels in distress and saving whole communities from the evil Dr. Yes. (Dr Maybe? Dr Whoever He Was Called Nowadays, anyway). Much like what the Famous One himself did in his adventures!

Are you alright, little one?" asked Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, as she saw Fredcat gesticulating. His paws were thrashing around as he leapt in his fevered imagination from one disaster to another, sorting out problems in his Fredcat the Famous debonair manner.

The thrashing continued. "Fredcat!" said Cathie more sharply, "Whatever are you doing?" She sounded a tad concerned.

Fredcat frowned. He was right in the middle of an exciting adventure involving lots of fast cars crashing into each other, and this awakening from his reverie was most unwelcome. "Are you ill?" asked Cathie once more, "Has all this exercising for the Olympics given you a temperature? Do you need more of your anti-sneezing medication?" Fredcat looked at her in resignation. Sometimes when he was in the middle of an exciting escapade it was difficult to know whether it was really was of his internationally famous adventures, or simply a dream. He shook his head. This particular exciting adventure felt real, yet here was Cathie peering down at him with concern in her eyes.

"Erm, yes, errr," he began, "I was just thinking about this new James Bond hero. I see that he's English - now that's a bit of a change! Isn't James Bond supposed to be of mixed parentage? I understand he has some Swiss blood in him!" Cathie smiled and said, "Actually, you're right, but many humans think of him as being English - this Daniel Craig will only be the second English person to portray him on screen!"

Fredcat sneezed. Cathie groaned. "If you've caught a cold with all your recent intense Olympic preparations - racing around and not keeping warm - I'll not be in the least surprised," she said. Fredcat began to protest. "Real spies don't catch colds!" he said, but Cathie was unconvinced. "We've had all sorts of problems dealing with your illnesses over the last few months or so and I don't want to go down that road again," she announced. "I suppose it could be some microbes or something we humans have left lying around. "They might have affected you, although I always thought that it was humans who were allergic to cats, not the other way round!" She smiled indulgently at our small hero as he attempted to regain the status of a superhero spy but it was clear that he was fast losing the battle against sleepiness. Cathie lifted him up carefully and carried him safely to one of his freshly cleaned round beds where he soon fell fast asleep, dreaming of being 007.

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Saturday, October 22nd 2005 (number 655)

Morrisdancer Fredcat Large image

After breakfast Fredcat went to ground. Mr. B. expected to find him curled up on one of his newly cleaned beds or on the big bed or somewhere else equally cosy. What he didn't expect was the bizarre sight when Fredcat finally emerged from the linen cupboard. The Mighty One was weighed down with a truly colourful, glorious arrangement of bright clothes, complete with heavy boots on all four paws. Mr. B. thought at first that Fredcat was trying to emulate the style and manner of the equally famous feline hero Puss in Boots but then he spotted even more paraphernalia on the tiny Fredcat frame.

Fredcat grinned proudly. This was a great moment in his life. Dressing up was not normally one of his favourite activities but on this special occasion he was all gung-ho for it. "What do you think of it?" he crowed, lifting up one of his back paws and banging it against the other back paw. A loud clash resounded along the top floor of the Fredcat residence. He repeated the exercise using his front paws; making quite sure that he alays kept three paws firmly fixed on the carpet. Mr. B. gaped. Attached to each leg were tiny cymbals which made a rattling noise even when the Fredcat paws were kept apart. Clash and rattle went the Fredcat body as he waddled slowly towards the stunned Mr. B.

"Where did you get all that stuff?" said Mr. B., "We don't have anything like that around the Fredcat residence! And where did you find those hideous clothes? I suggest you take them off before anyone else sees you in them." But Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, appeared, genie-like, from behind the linen cupboard door and said sharply, "I've been helping my sweet little thing to prepare for the 2012 Olympics in London in the unlikely event of his application to participate in the pole jump being refused. Didn't you know that all the Morris Dancers in England are going to be asked to perform for the Olympics opening ceremony - or something like that."

"And Cathie found these cymbals on the intawebs," added Fredcat, "It's easy to buy and sell stuff there using this e-Bay thing. Cathie's been buying stuff all morning whilst she was helping me get dressed up!"

At this Cathie's face began to redden slightly as she stammered that the things she had bought were not very expensive. The Grumpy One, still agape, said, "How many items did you buy then?" and his heart sank as the answer came back, in stereo, "Only five, but they were very, very cheap; we saved loads of money!" Mr. B. simply groaned.

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Friday, October 21st 2005 (number 654)

Polevaulter Fredcat Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, examined the carpeting along the hallway upstairs in the the Fredcat residence. "This hall carpet is startiong to look decidely threadbare," she frowned, "I'm not so happy with you carrying out your fanciful Olympic training inside this house, if you don't mind. Surely there's somewhere else you could go to practise these daft Olympic notions of yours?" Cathie was clearly of the school of thought that equated all forms of physical activity as meaningless acts of human (and feline) endeavour, and not to her taste.

Fredcat was incensed. He peered at the hall carpet closely - from a height of six inches. "I've never noticed it before but this apology for a rug is not of the highest quality, you know. No wonder it shows signs of wear and tear at the slightest sign of hard walking on it. I really should insist you purchase one with a much better quality pile for my residence. And if you and the Grumpy One kept this particular part of the house free for my training purposes we would all get along fine, and I could get on with my ambition of becoming the first feline to win a gold medal at the 2012 Olympics." He puffed out his orange and white chest, and glared indignantly at Cathie.

But, as you can imagine, Dear Reader, this did not go down well with Cathie and she glared back at the Mighty One. "It's not a rug, and you're running not walking, and ..." But then she stopped. "You know Fredcat, I think you may have a point, I've been wanting to have that particular piece of carpeting changed for something more suitable for ages; I may be able to use this situation to my advantage." And she smiled sweetly to herself as she mapped out the form of words she was going to use on Mr. B. when he came in from the garden.

But Mr. B. was not easily to be placed in the position of buying a new carpet just because of the Famous One's Olympian ambitions, dear me, no! "Fredcat!" he barked, "Which discipline of the Olympic games can you possibly go in for, for you to have any chance of winning a gold medal? You're far too small to compete against those well-trained athletes."

But Fredcat had already thought of this,"The pole vault!" he shouted, with glee, "It'll be dead easy. I'm sure there's no restriction on the size of the pole that one uses and I shall choose one with an extremely small diameter. I'll simply place the pole in the allotted slot, climb up it (it'll be easy for a smart climber like me), and then flip myself over the top and land on the cushion below. I won't hurt myself a bit; there's no stupid hard running to do. I'll will win easily! I'll even show off my natural feline ability to fall safely by doing cartwheels on the way down!"

He grinned and laughed all the way downstairs to his food bowl, whilst Cathie began her chat with Mr. B. "You know, I've been thinking recently about this worn out hall carpet," she began ...

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Thursday, October 20th 2005 (number 653)

Costumed Fredcat? No way! Large image

Fredcat raced around the corner and screeched to a halt in front of his best human friend, Cathie. She smiled at him. "How's the training going, Fredcat? Do you still intend to try out for the Olympics in London in 2012?" Fredcat smiled his gap-toothed grin right back at her, and said, "Oh, yes! The training's going jolly well. I've shaved a full 0.0001 of a second off my best time for getting from one end of this corridor to the other!"

Cathie looked at him in an amused manner, and said, "I bet you'll be outrunning trains next, little one! Just be sure to dress up in the appropriate costume if you're considering racing a train, won't you?" Fredcat looked at her and said, in a horrified tone, "Costume? Costume?! Costumes are fine for you humans for Hallowe'en, but I'm not going to wear a costume to do anything – to outrun a train, or otherwise!"

"Before you dismiss costumes out of paw, my love, how about considering these costumes?" Cathie said, laughing, "They're very famous, you know, and would be just right for a famous feline like you – they've even been worn by the felines from CatTown!"

"No, siree, Cathie," said the Famous One, shuddering, "I do have my reputation to consider, you know. I'll leave those character costumes to my CatTown friends, and whatever they have to do to get into character. I wouldn't be at all surprised if they didn't end up being cats in sinks as part of their preparations. I prefer to look after my own personal hygiene, thank you very much."

And he shuddered again, and headed for his food bowls for a bite to eat. Maybe there'd be some steak there?

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Wednesday, October 19th 2005 (number 652)

Olympian Fredcat Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had to hop out of the way smartly as the Mighty One tore around the corner of the corridor, raced into the bedroom and whizzed back at breakneck speed. She watched as he finally came to a stop, breathing heavily. "Are you ill?" she enquired, solicitously, "You do look a bit peaky. All that running around will wear you out, my poor lamb." She moved towards Fredcat but, surprisingly, he backed off.

"What's the matter with you?" she asked, a tad annoyed, "You're acting very strangely - you're not getting one of your sneezing fits again, are you? We've all had quite enough of those, I don't want to restart you on those meds again!" She smiled encouragingly.

Fredcat smiled back, "Dear me, no," he said, "It's just that I've decided to enter the Olympics and I need to start training early. Do you know that the Olympic Games are going to be held in London in the year 2012? I'm aiming to enter at least one of the events and win a gold medal. As a superior feline I reckon I stand a very good chance of winning." He hopped enthusiastically from paw to paw, without even pawsing for breath.

Cathie looked gravely at him and called Mr. B. to tell him the news. Mr. B. glanced at the exercising Fredcat and asked him, sarcastically, if he was warming up to prepare himself for a huge meal, but Fredcat again re-affirmed his intentions. "You do realise, Fredcat, that these games are seven years away - and that's an awful lot of training you'll have to do," said Mr. B. "Do you realise just how old you will be in seven year's time?"

"Five!" shouted back Fredcat and Cathie, in unison. "I'll not be put off by your chatterings," continued Fredcat, "I'm absolutely determined to go ahead with this, you just watch," and he restarted his racing up and down the corridor. Mr. B. and Cathie looked at each other in amazement. Fredcat seemed very determined and there was no stopping him once he got started. When would this madness end? Perhaps over the next few days it would all become clearer but, for the moment, they agreed that they had better go along with the Fredcat decision. Wow!

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Tuesday, October 18th 2005 (number 651)

Railway traveller Fredcat Large image

Fredcat was in a thoughful mood and didn't mind sharing his cogitations. "I've noticed that when you leave the Fredcat residence, Cathie, you invariably go to wherever you're going by car. And, of course, you always take your mobile telephone with you, just in case of emergency." Here Fredcat gave a big grin; he knew very well that these 'emergencies' rarely occurred; the mobile telephone was mostly used to call other humans living in other residences - or even other humans who drove around in their own cars. It seemed that all humans went everywhere with their telephones; they might as well be born with telephones strapped to their faces, though that wouldn't look pretty. They'd look like snorkellers!

With a start, Fredcat quickly came back to the point he was trying to make. "But I never see you going anywhere on foot or by bicycle." Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, smiled sweetly to herself. She wanted to know what on earth Fredcat was on about. She'd become used to his habit of gently skirting a subject before homing in on the real meat of his question.

"Look, oh Mighty One, I have a zillion domestic things to do today and I would appreciate it if you came to the point. Then we could get on." But Fredcat ignored Cathie and meandered onward with his train of thought. "We all know that Mr. B. goes out for a run on some mornings - this lets him pretend that he is still youthful and athletic when it's obvious that ..."

"Now stop right there, Fredcat!" commanded Cathie, "I'm sure you've wandered off the point again, I've told you that I have tons to do today; you've obviously got plenty of food and water available, so let's get on shall we?" and she bustled about, fixing things around the Fredcat residence.

"OK, I've been watching the TV recently and on some of the films, especially the old ones, they show some super trains that cross from one side of the country to the other. They appear far superior to cars!" and at the very mention of cars the Mighty One shuddered. "How is it, therefore, that we never go on a train? They appear to be very comfortable, with lots of room to walk about, there are even whole carriages where creatures like me can be carried in comfort and safety with a specially trained guard to look after us."

Cathie gave Fredcat a big hug, "Is that all you are concerned with? All right, if the occasion arises then we'll take a ride on a train. But of course, to get to the train, we have to drive to the station and that's even further away than the v*t's office, and then, of course, there's the drive back to the Fredcat famous residence. To go on a train journey is a significant undertaking for felines and one usually has to have a purpose, an aim, before a trip like that is undertaken. Have you someplace that you'd like to go to?" But Fredcat was tired of all this talk about purposes and aims and undertakings, all he wanted was to do was go on a train. He decided he'd let the matter drop for the time being; after all there was still food left in his bowl ...

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Monday, October 17th 2005 (number 650)

Telephone messages for Fredcat Large image

When his best human friend, Cathie, had finished talking and had hung up the telephone, Fredcat said to her, "Humans like chatting on the telephone, don't they?" Cathie gave an amused grin, "Well I guess we do, sunshine," she said, "You see, there are so many things to say to other humans and so little time to say it all in. Here in the US, people have recognised that fact and have made it quite easy for we humans to talk to each other without having to put on a hat and coat and journey out to our friends' homes. It's a very cool idea." She smiled with satisfaction.

"But isn't it enormously expensive to be on the telephone all the time? I've noticed that you use it so much more now that we've emigrated. In the UK you were very sparing with the conversations you had with Mr. B. - calls that could have been measured in seconds in the UK are more likely to take scores of minutes over here," mewsed The Famous One.

He shook his ginger and white head disapprovingly. "Isn't it all terribly expensive? You humans are always going on about saving money and yet here you are spending loads of cash on something enjoyable, just because we're in the US. It doesn't seem right to me."

Cathie sighed, and said patiently, "Well my love, it's partly because in some areas people live very far apart and yet they need to be in communication with loved ones and friends. The powers-that-be recognised that and worked out a payment plan so that here within North Carolina, local calls are usually free. Good, isn't it?"

"That means I can call the North Carolina State people and give them a rocket about not moving quickly enough on my application to be made the Official State Feline," said Fredcat, scathingly. "Well, errr, yes," replied Cathie in a hurried tone. "But, my sweet, there are lots of bureaucratic steps to be taken before the actual application goes through, you understand." She heaved a sigh of relief when Fredcat didn't seem inclined to pursue this line of reasoning.

"OK, now I understand why you have all these telephone handsets cluttering up the Fredcat residence. But then, why do you also have these additional mobile telephones? I'd think you'd want to have a bit of peace from all these extra calls. People seem to be calling you day and night. I know some young people can't do without them at all," he said, dryly.

Cathie laughed, "Indeed so, and I can tell you that cellphones can be very expensive," she said, with a wry grin. "The young 'uns don't seem to have the same discipline as we more mature humans, but they'll realise how expensive cellphones can be when they have to pay for their own calls, you mark my words." And Cathie tossed her (more mature) head in a completely self-righteous fashion, as she and Fredcat made their respective ways to the dining room - before the telephone could ring again.

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Saturday, October 15th 2005 (number 649)

Puzzling games for Fredcat Large image

As soon as his best human friend, Cathie, came through the front door, Fredcat jumped up and accosted her. "I've been waiting all day for my lunch and that Mr. B." (said with heavy emphasis) "hasn't come downstairs once, except to make himself a cup of tea or three. Even when I mewed very loudly, he took not the slightest notice but muttered something unintelligible and shot back upstairs - he even spilled the tea on the stairs," he added, maliciously. "This is just not on - I'm starving here."

"Just a mo', my feline friend," said Cathie, "It's raining cats and d*gs out there and I haven't even got my coat off nor put away my nice cat brolly yet." Fredcat looked at the umbrella; it was very attractive and for a moment his mind wandered. This was the very same umbrella that had been broken some time ago and Mr. B. had, at great expense, managed to have it repaired. Better not upset Cathie until this nice umbrella had been put away. He decided to maintain a discrete silence until everything had been tidied away.

"Tell me all about it," said Cathie eventually, "I need to know the full facts before I confront Mr. B., in case I get things wrong. But first, let me have a look at your food bowls. Um... there appears to be a fair quantity of biscuits still here, so what's the problem? I know a lot of cats whose only source of nourishment is cat biscuits, so you'll never starve." But Fredcat was about not to be side-tracked like that. "But I am Fredcat the Famous!" he (almost) yelled, "I'm not going to eat mouldy old cat biscuits; I need proper red meat - not reconstituted hash!"

Cathie looked at him in astonishment. "See here, my famous feline, that's enough of that! I've a good mind to wash your mouth out with soap!" Fredcat blinked at this unexpected threat. "Is this a devilish new form of punishment that I haven't heard of? Perhaps it's something they used to do in the dark ages? I'll have you know we're in the twenty first century, and I fully expect we feline creatures to be treated better than that!"

Cathie laughed and said, "All right, let's go and see Mr. B. and find out what this is all about." So the two trotted upstairs, and found the Grumpy One muttering all sorts of numbers aloud. "That must be a nine, or is it an eight, that has to be a seven and this one here is a two or a three unless that one is a five when... Oh bother, what now!" he added, as he turned to see Cathie and the Mighty One glaring at him.

"Are you playing that dreadful Su Doku game again," said Cathie, quickly sizing up the problem, "Marg has a lot to answer for, in my opinion. Playing with that puzzle all day, while neglecting my Fredcat, is just not on." She advanced to the desk and saw a mass of numbers scattered all over the page. "You're hopeless at this," she said, "Even Fredcat could solve these puzzles, especially as he knows all the numbers up to nine. It would be child's play for him." She turned to Fredcat. "Just finish this problem off for the Grumpy One, and by the time you come downstairs he'll have a nice plate of fresh tuna for you."

"Deal!" pronounced Fredcat, "The numbers one to nine are just right for a cat with nine lives," and he soon finished the puzzle, and was downstairs in no time to collect his (well earned) intellectual reward.

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Friday, October 14th 2005 (number 648)

Cleaning windows cat Large image

Fredcat watched as his best human friend, Cathie, took away two of his round beds to take to the dry cleaners. He looked thankfully at the one remaining bed and crept over to it, laying down protectively on it to make sure that it, too, wasn't taken away. But he needn't have worried. "When the others are done I'll deal with that one," Cathie said, comfortingly.

When she had gone, Fredcat looked around at the Fredcat residence. "Even though Mr. B. is quite good at this cleaning lark. There are a lot of areas where a bit of extra work wouldn't go amiss," he mewsed, "These windows are really grubby, especially after all this rain and I do like to sit in front of windows for hours on end, planning my next famous activity."

On Cathie's return, the Famous One immediately broached the idea of having a proper window cleaner to have a really good go at cleaning all the windows in the famous residence. "This rain, coupled with mucky falling leaves, leaves dirty marks on the windows - my lovely residence is being turned into a shabby place to live! If we're not going to move to a more palatial residence (and I'm still miffed about that) then at least we should clean this place up a bit." He put on his grizzliest growling frown but, compared to Mr. B.'s grumpy face, he still looked rather cute.

"Oh, come now, Fredcat," said Cathie, "Mr. B. does a good job of window cleaning; before our visitors arrived a couple of months ago, he set to and cleaned all the windows and made then really sparkle. He had to take down the shutters and clean those as well. These shutters keep off most of the windswept debris and the windows themselves are still reasonably clean. I think you're just making up reasons to pay us back for not moving house to one of these palaces that we all admired in the brochure. Or maybe you'd like your own Dream Space?!"

"Not so," replied Fredcat, "One of my favourite pastime activities is looking out of the tall glass side windows by the front door. Of course, I much prefer to have the front door open, or at least ajar, so that the warmth from the Fredcat residence is on my back but I'm just as content with the door shut so long as I can look out of a clean (!) window." But Cathie was not fooled. "I've often watched you doing that," she said, "and I must say I think your sitting in front of the window, pretending to look out, is just kidding we humans. I'm sure it's just another sitting-upright sleeping position that you adopt."

"Absolutely not," protested Our Hero, "I do a lot of serious Fredcat the Famous thinking when I'm sitting there, and I don't want to be distracted by dirty marks on glass.. I like things to be clean." And as if to emphasise the point he gave himself a good buff and clean and walked off, in a tiff, to his food bowls, where he proceeded to take a drink from his water bowl. Actually, he didn't mind if the water in his bowl was a bit dusty - he rather preferred it that way! But he didn't tell Cathie.

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Thursday, October 13th 2005 (number 647)

Sleeping arrangements Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was examining the three round beds which Fredcat had hoped to take to his new (hoped for) palatial residence. "I'm sorry that we have no new Fredcat residence to go to," she said, "So we need to put these beds back where they came from." But as she looked at them she frowned and said, "Oh dear, I see that Mr. B.'s regular cleaning is no longer sufficient, we have to get these properly cleaned at the dry cleaners."

"Do they all have to go at the same time?" said Fredcat, "You know that I like to have a range of sleeping places and rotate my beds regularly; sometimes I'll use more than one of them on any particular day."

The Famous One thought hard, scrunching his little face up in effort. "Perhaps I should have a double-sized bed, a lot of humans seem to do this even when they don't share their bed with some one else; there's far more room. My beds don't really give me much space both to curl up and turn around in. Mmmm ... lots of double beds, that would be good." But Cathie quickly put him right on that one. "Look, double beds may sound fine but they take up much more space in the bedroom and we've a tight squeeze with your many beds as it is. No, you'll just have to make do with what you have.

Fredcat grumbled at this and said, "There are lots of creatures that don't really need beds, so why can't I have their share?" (That sounded like a good, logical argument.) "There's this famous tortoise who's been in the news recently, I bet she never shares a bed with any other creature! Indeed, by the look of her, I bet she never sleeps in a bed at all!" He stood back, well pleased with his fine logic.

"Now hold on a moment, my fine chap," said Cathie, "You've already seen how big the universe is and you can't expect to have a monopoly of big beds in that world - you've just got to share with the rest of the world's creatures! Now, whilst I think of it, quickly finish off your meal and then you too can hibernate for the rest of the night." And, to everyone's surprise, Fredcat did as he was told.

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Wednesday, October 12th 2005 (number 646)

Expensive Fredcat dreams! Large image

The Famous One staggered up the path, dragging a huge amount of mail behind him. The reason for the extra weight soon became apparent - the mail contained a voluminous brochure about posh (and very expensive!) homes. Fredcat and his best human friend, Cathie, examined the contents of brochure in awe - pages and pages of beautiful pictures of elegant homes. They gasped as they turned each page; every home seemed to be more remarkable and desirable than the one before.

Fredcat looked at Cathie in delight. "Are you genuinely thinking of moving to one of those palaces?" he asked, "Any one of them would really suit me down to the ground. If you just wait whilst I collect my three round beds and two litter trays, we'll be off. Never mind the cat carrier, we can leave that behind. I'm sure I'll never have any use for that again." And Fredcat was halfway down the driveway before he was hauled back by the scruff of his neck, protesting.

"Now just you hold on," said Cathie, "These places - or palaces - as you refer to them, cost a fortune to own and run and, unless you have a hidden hoard of gold to hand, I'm afraid we're going to be staying here for ages." Mr. B. chipped in quickly, "Lots of ages, in fact. The Fredcat residence isn't so bad, there are plenty of things for you to do around here." He stopped speaking as he saw a big frown of disappointment cloud the Mighty One's face.

"But I'm a hugely famous feline and I need a superb residence in which to express myself, something that I can walk around in and feel like a regular Lord of the Manor. This residence of mine is a tad too small for my tastes, so I suggest you get your skates on and get me into something swankier and more sumptuous right away." It looked like the Famous One was not going to be satisfied with anything less than one of the magnificent mansions listed in the brochure.

"OK, Fredcat," said Cathie, with a tiny gleam in her eye, "You know that Mr. B. likes to jog around outside to get a bit of exercise now and then, why don't you go for a quick stroll around the Fredcat residence, say five times in a row, to get an idea of the size of one of these mansions, and see how it would feel if you had to patrol the boundaries of a huge residence instead of your modest current home."

Fredcat puffed out his chest in a show of bravado and shot off at an alarming speed, with Mr. B jogging slowly behind. But it soon became clear that Mr. B.'s pace, though laboriously slow, was taking him round more quickly than was Fredcat's, because the latter kept stopping and starting. Indeed, Fredcat only managed to run round as far as the front of the house and as soon as he found a bit of a slope he wheezed to a halt, before finally collapsing near the back door. Mr. B. stopped as well and they both went inside.

"I take your point," said a red-faced Fredcat, "patrolling the current Fredcat residence is probably quite sufficient for a five year old feline; I think I'll give up thoughts off living in a mansion until I can afford to buy and drive my own car around a large estate." He headed towards his food bowls, but was so exhausted that he only manage to take a couple of sips of water. "Food later," he thought, but was soon fast asleep instead. Poor Fredcat ...

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Tuesday, October 11th 2005 (number 645)

Priceless Fredcat! Large image

The Grumpy One was in a very grumpy mood. "Lookee here at this awful letter from this new insurance company. On the one hand they say they want our business and will provide services more cheaply than anyone else, and then they expect us to do a mountain of work to provide them with all the details! We're just a house!" he yelled.

Fredcat bristled at this. "We're not just a house, this is the famous Fredcat residence, I'll have you know," he said, and his ginger and white tail flapped vigorously to and fro in indignation; even Mr. B. quailed at this tour de force from the Mighty One.

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was more sympathetic. "See here, my sweet one," she started, "What Mr. B. doesn't realise is that you have only to list the really important items in the hou.., errr, famous Fredcat residence, there's no need to list all the minutiae that clutter up said, errr, famous residence. I mean, beds, tables and chairs, TVs and washing machines and the like are OK to list, but not bars of soap and paper towels and pencils." She smiled, and Mr. B.'s brow lifted a tad. "That makes more sense," he muttered, sotto voce.

"What about my possessions?" said Fredcat, taking a real interest, "Does the insurance company have to consider those items? After all, as a simple feline, sorry, as a famous feline, I really don't have a lot of use for material things, except for my computer for my internationally-read daily diary. Though I suppose that, technically, that's yours," he added.

He rubbed his paws reflectively. "To start with, there's my litter trays - two of them, now, you know," he said, self-importantly, "and my three round beds and my toys and any newspapers and magazines that I can lay my paws on to provide a good rustling sound as I nod off to sleep on them. Then there's my feeding and water bowls - do they include the various water bowls which I suppose are probably designated for you humans but which I have a great liking for? And I don't have a car," he continued, "nasty things, cars."

But Cathie interruped, saying, "Someone's designed a car which allows a d*g to have his own onboard kennel, to all intends and purposes. That would be a lot better than having to be driven around in his d*g carrier."

"Of course, I'd almost forgotten my transatlantic cat carrier," cried Fredcat, "That's another one of my possessions. Although I never intend to do that trip again ..." and he shuddered at the very thought.

"You know, I think we should leave all this insurance paperwork stuff to Mr. B.," said Cathie, sweetly, as she and the Famous One tip-toed to the door, "He's rather good with insurance stuff if he has sufficient chocolate to buoy his spirits."

"Well, OK," said Fredcat, "but I hope he remembers to send my thanks to my friends Theresa T, Petey, Talley and Mia, for their kind belated birthday wishes to me. Friends are very important, after all."

"I'll make sure he remembers," said Cathie, and she gave Fredcat a big belated birthday hug.

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Monday, October 10th 2005 (number 644)

Gardening Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had departed for work leaving a simple instruction to the resident males. "As you two have clearly got nothing else to do all day, it would be helpful if you would tidy up the garden a bit. Everything is a disgrace." Mr. B. glared at her departing back (he wouldn't dare do so to her face) and mumbled aloud, "I've got all the weekly housework to do today and don't really have time to spare for gardening duties."

But Fredcat was far more optimistic and chirped up, "It'll be fine, I'll give you lots of help around the house and that will speed you up. I'm a very helpful cat!" Mr. B. looked anxiously at Fredcat and thought that the help the latter was proffering might be less than useful (and might even be a hindrance) but he sighed, and went along with the idea. "OK. If there's time after the housework's completed."

At first all went well; as once before Fredcat donned polishing dusters on all four paws and slid around the table tops and floors, using up huge dollops of polish as he went along. In fact, the parts that he polished were really shining but, due to his tactic of skirting around the edges of the tables (instead of moving the vases and mats) there was a certain patchiness to his work. Mr. B. quickly got hold of a second duster and applied the finishing touches.

But there was no way that Fredcat could do what Cathie called the deep cleaning elements of the housework and he soon wandered off to have a nap. Thanks to Fredcat's initial eagerness, however, the housework was completed in record time, albeit skimpily. And so the duo soon meandered into the garden. "I'll cut the hedges and you clean up the clippings, but be careful! Some of those plants aren't good for cats, so only pick up the ones which I tell you are OK to pick up," said Mr. B., but Fredcat wasn't able to carry more than one clipping by mouth at a time and he soon fell behind. "I think we need a wheelbarrow," he muttered, but Mr. B. had moved so far down the hedge that Fredcat found himself talking to thin air.

"What I need is some intervention," Fredcat thought desperately and, lo and behold, it arrived, as if by magic. A few spots, and then it started teeming with rain. "Gardening work is over for the day!" shouted Fredcat, gleefully, and dashed indoors. "Come now, Mr. B., I deserve a good meal for bringing on the rain," he said, looking up happily from in front of his food bowls and, for once, Mr. B. was all smiles. This gardening lark would be over now for another day at least and he could watch international sport on TV for the rest of the day. He fed Fredcat, made a cup of tea for himself and the two of them watched TV until they both fell asleep on the settee. Their day's work was done (at least until Cathie returned home ...)

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Saturday, October 8th 2005 (number 643)

Birthday wishes Fredcat Large image

Fredcat looked at his birthday messages. In addition to the beautiful cards he'd received on the occasion of his 5th (?!?!?!) birthday, he'd also received a number of kind wishes from many good friends out there via the intawebs.

There was one from Marg, one from his best friend JDF, one from David and Susan H, one from Dana B, one from Susan L, and one from a brand new friend of his, Patsy B.

"I must reply to these excellent friends of mine, and the most efficient way of doing this is through my famous diary entries - so please jump to it," he commanded his humans. They (sort of) rushed to obey.

"I assume you'll be posting their kind thoughts to me in my famous Guestbook, Cathie," he continued. "My friends were so considerate with their birthday wishes, and, really, everyone should have a chance to read their kind thoughts."

"I'm glad my many friends communicate with me via the intawebs, and not on the telephone," he said, "If they kept in touch with me by telephone, I'd never be off the line and I wouldn't be able to get on and do all the famous things that I have to do." He sniffed the air appreciatively and thought of all the wondrous things he'd achieve in the future. Mr. B. also sniffed the air, but it was obvious from his attitude what he was thinking.

"Do you think they'll ever make cellphones small enough for we felines?" mewsed the Famous One, "I see that they're already experimenting with cellphones for some birds, and I know that my famosity makes me more deserving of a cellphone than any bird!"

Mr. B. continued to sniff the air suspiciously, and replied, "Sometimes I think you're way ahead of the world with your thoughts, Fredcat. Here you are, contemplating international communications over the intawebs - and yet you sit there on the tabletop (where you shouldn't be, by the way) whilst you seem to have forgotten to give yourself a proper buff and shine this morning after your walk outside. Manners maketh cat, my friend! Just set to, and do what you have to do before you do what you want to do!"

Fredcat leapt to obey, for once. Usually he was the most fastidious of creatures but with all the excitement of his multinidous birthday greetings he'd quite forgotten some of the basic things he had to do. He pulled himself together and set to.

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Friday, October 7th 2005 (number 642)

Currency for the Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was still unhappy about yesterday's passport and travelling discussions. His best human friend, Cathie, was tidying away her brand new passport in a special drawer where she could reach it in a hurry. The whole passport scenario was very irksome to the Mighty One, and he wanted Cathie to put aside any lingering thoughts of travelling away from the Fredcat residence once and for all.

"I don't see how you can possibly go abroad without any foreign money," he said, at last. "They don't print foreign money in the US, and surely foreigners don't accept US dollars."

"That's where you're wrong," said Cathie with a superior smile, "I only have to go to the bank and I can get all the foreign money I want; it's really easy." Fredcat's little heart sank. Cathie continued, "And it's surprising how useful the US dollar is when one is abroad, lots of traders will accept dollars as payment. It's a strong currency, you see." Fredcat's heart sank further.

"If anyone has to go the UK or anywhere else, why not send Mr. B.?" he asked, "I'd rather you were here while he was sent off to do any travelling bits." Fredcat shook his head in despair, the thought of the Grumpy One being dispatched was potentially a good thing, yet it could be fraught with difficulties for Fredcat. Who would feed him when Cathie was out at work, for example? Life with these humans was all so difficult. Yet they were pretty good humans, he had to admit, and they did look after him rather well.

He mewsed on all the good things about his life with Cathie and the Grumpy One. His famous residence was well maintained, plenty of good food was freely available (well mostly), there was plenty of sunshine for him which made his resting his weary bones on the screened porch pleasurable, there was superb air conditioning (when Cathie was allowed to get away with it), and, above all, he made sure that his humans knuckled down to present his famous diary each day. Hmmm ... Life wasn't that bad. But he really didn't like the idea of Cathie disappearing off without him - and a trip abroad would have to be without him because, having reached the ripe old age of five, he felt inclined to stay at home for most of the time.

The Famous One just sat there, day-dreaming, his little ginger and white head slowly nodding as his train of thought meandered on. Was it time for a sleep already? He fought to keep his eyes open. A movement distracted him when he thought he saw a mouse out of the corner of his eye. Then the garage door banged suddenly and Mr. B. burst in, bright and outrageously jolly.

"Hi there, Fredcat! Have you been out today yet? It's a wonderful day outside." Fredcat saw that the Grumpy One was absolutely right; the sun was shining and everything was good. Cathie wasn't going anywhere, and Mr. B. was filling up his Fredcat food bowls. "Great," Our Hero thought, "A few bites, I'll save some for later and, in the meantime, a few zzzs." And he soon suited actions to words (or thoughts, anyway ...)

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Thursday, October 6th 2005 (number 641)

Passport for Fredcat? Large image

When the mail arrived it contained a special envelope for Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie. Inside was a bright shiny new passport for her. "This is great!" she exclaimed, "Now I can pop over to England whenever I want. It'll come in ever so handy." Fredcat was appalled. "Are you going to leave me, then?" he queried. "I've only just had my 5th birthday, and here you are, determined to zoom off. I always thought you had more loyalty than that." He chunnered away unhappily in a corner of his famous residence.

"Don't be so silly," said Cathie, "This is just for emergencies. It could be that I don't need to travel - but then again, I might," she added, lamely.

"What's involved in this passport lark?" asked Fredcat, grudgingly, "I didn't need a passport when I emigrated to the US so why do you need one? You've travelled quite a lot, so people must know all about you and who you are." His whiskers bristled with righteous indignation. "Don't they keep a check on your travels, then?"

"If only it were that simple," replied Cathie, "and, yes, indeed, they do keep a record - hence the need for a passport. It's a document one must keep safe at all times or else one is liable to get stuck in a country you don't want to stay in permanently. All humans who travel have to have a passport - but creatures are exempt because they're, well, creatures."

"Well, I don't need a passport - I'm already an honorary Canadian citizen. And I'll change all that passport stuff when I become North Carolina's Official State Feline," pronounced the Famous One, "I'll rule that all cats are given feline passports automatically, complete with photographs; mine will look particularly handsome," he smiled, showing a slight gap in his front tooth area. "I'll look very rakish, don't you know," and he stomped off down the hall to finish his lunch, quite forgetting all about passports for a while (to Cathie's relief).

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Wednesday, October 5th 2005 (number 640)

Aftermath letdown Large image

Fredcat looked around despondently at the wreckage of his birthday day yesterday. He'd had visitors who gave him lengthy chuck-a-chins, he'd opened numerous delightful presents, and he'd been wildly happy all day. In addition, he had nearly eaten too much (the "nearly" part was surprising for him since, like many of his fellow felines, he possessed some kind of inbuilt mechanism which usually prevented him from overindulging).

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had left for work early; she had lots of catching up to do and it was she who had given Fredcat breakfast. With a cheery wave, and an exhortation to be kind to Mr. B., she'd shot off to do that stuff she called work.

"Why on earth do I have to be kind to Mr. B.?" Fredcat mewsed aloud, "He ought to be awake by now, surely he isn't ill or anything." He crept upstairs quietly on tippy-toes, aiming to catch out the Grumpy One and yell him forcibly into instant wakefulness. He turned the corner at the top of the stairs and there, to his astonishment, sat Mr. B. sitting in front of the little TV, happily munching on a huge chocolate bar that he'd obviously secreted from the ever watchful Cathie.

"It was your birthday yesterday," blustered Mr. B., "so I'm taking the opportunity to have a bit of a feast myself today." And he quickly popped the last chunk of the chocolate bar into his mouth and brushed his hands busily and with great satisfaction. There was little that Fredcat could do or say to this. There was still the birthday mess downstairs to be cleaned up - definitely a job for the humans.

"You can sit down and watch this film with me if you like, it's about the Wild West," said Mr. B. His choice of films was clearly not of a very high order this early in the morning. "I like the bit where the cowboys lasso the rampaging cattle - and also the bits when the bad guys get knocked over in the stampede." He laughed whilst Fredcat bristled.

"That's not very charitable of you, how would you like it if you were herded like cattle, without as much as a by your leave?" Our Hero said. But Mr. B. nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders and replied, "In the olden days there were plenty of cases where lions rounded up humans in the area and that was hardly a pleasant experience. Simply lassoing a cow doesn't come anywhere near that for cruelty."

Fredcat wandered sadly down the stairs. How could a cat (even a Famous Feline, like himself) educate humans to be kind and tolerant to all creatures, great and small? Ah well. Seeing Mr. B. chewing away and realising that he himself had had his last meal, hmmm, yes, it must have been hours ago, Fredcat had a quick bite to eat then settled himself down on some discarded gift wrappings. He wouldn't be disturbed by Mr. B. for hours yet. And Cathie would be home soon! And on that latter happy note, the Famous One fell asleep.

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Tuesday, October 4th 2005 (number 639)

Birthday celebrations at last! Large image

At last, at last, it was the Famous One's birthday! Fredcat was up earlier than the crack of dawn; in fact he hardly slept at all. The humans had been tired the night before and they'd gone to bed early. But Fredcat was restless and paced up and down for hours, just thinking about things. Suddenly he had this feeling of wild elation and dashed up and down the corridor, up and down the stairs - and even chased his own tail for a while (he stopped that last activity when he realised that d*gs did it).

"Wake up! Wake up!" he shouted loudly in Mr. B.'s ear until the latter shot out of bed, fruitlessly searching looking for the alarm clock to switch it off, his hand plunging down helplessly on thin air until he realised that there was no alarm clock to hit since he'd broken it a few days ago. "Waassup?" the Grumpy One yelled.

"It's my birthday, of course," smiled Fredcat, suppressing a giggle at the Grumpy One's antics.

"Is that all?" groaned Mr. B., "Listen, Fredcat, if you'd had as many birthdays as I've had then you wouldn't be so keen to get out of bed when another one comes along." But Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, simply smiled at the Famous One. "Don't be so grumpy, Mr. B.," she retorted, "Young people and young cats have a purrfect right to have a nice birthday, if they so wish. Everyone should have a proper birthday with presents, a cake, even to go out to celebrate with their friends!" This was said with a more than meaningful stare in the direction of Mr. B., who coughed into his hand in an embarrassed manner.

"Perhaps you've received some nice chocolate for your birthday," said Mr. B. hopefully, "I wouldn't say no to a chunk or two if they were to be offered in my direction." He smiled hopefully. "No such luck," laughed Cathie, "anyway one of your favourite English chocolates isn't going to be available from England anymore, you'll have to buy them from overseas."

All this discussion left Fredcat very agitated. "Oh, come on, when can we get down to the day's business, people? I was up all last night and I need to see what my good friends have gifted me before I fall asleep with exhaustion." And so the gifts and cards were rolled out. The gifts were mostly things to eat, with a sprinkling of toys that Fredcat knew he wouldn't ever play with; he was far too grown up to indulge in toys. Cathie had even given him a second litter tray! That meant he was a class act. It was like having two bathrooms in the house, plus there was the whole outside as well!

Finally Mr. B. brought in a huge scooped-out cake with the inside swimming with milk. There had been sixteen candles around the outside but Mr. B. explained that some mysterious person had removed eleven of them in the middle of the night. At this Cathie looked away and placed her hands coyly behind her back. They all joined hands - and paws - and sang the Happy Birthday song (even Mr. B. participated!)

So now, Constant Reader, it's your turn to sing, but if you're surrounded by other people who are concentrating hard then it will be perfectly acceptable to sing it very quietly ... Happy Birthday, dear Fredcat ...

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Monday, October 3rd 2005 (number 638)

Preparing for the big day! Large image

It was Monday morning and today was going to be an exciting day. Tomorrow, October 4th, was the official date of Fredcat's entry into this world and he felt that the occasion should be marked by a lavish display of presents and acknowledgements from all and sundry.

Cathie pretended to be indifferent to his situation. She scurried around the Fredcat residence without even once alluding to the impending Fredcat birthday. This was extremely annoying to the Mighty One - he needed the humans to understand that it was nearly his birthday. Birthdays were important!

The problem was clearly one of tactics. Clearing his little throat he said, "Do some people sometimes flatter other humans at times when they appear to want something?" Too late he realised his error. That was an appalling thing to say - whatever would Cathie think?! Before she could frame an answer, he continued, "I mean ... I know flattery is rather silly but sometimes it does work, doesn't it?" As soon as he had uttered these words he felt even more stupid. This whole conversation was going nowhere fast, and he was feeling very foolish.

"Is there anything I can do for you right now, Cathie?" he asked, and Cathie stopped, turned to him and replied, "What are you drivelling on about, Fredcat? You're certainly becoming soft in your old age." Now as soon as she uttered these words she realised her error. Fredcat suddenly lost that eager-to-help look and became downcast. If Cathie didn't understand his simple understated pleading, who else was likely to? Certainly not the Grumpy One who (as usual) was lost in a sporting world of his own in front of the big TV.

"Surely there's something I could do for you?" Fredcat finally blurted out, "Maybe make you a nice piece of buttered toast in the toaster or even give you a great massage? You're looking a bit peaky at the moment."

Cathie ignored that last part of Fredcat's speech and looked anxiously at him, "It's mid-afternoon and I ate my breakfast toast hours ago, my friend. I hope you're not coming down with something. Remember, tomorrow's your birthday, and you want to be fit and well for that, don't you?" At this the Fredcat heart almost burst asunder. "You've remembered!" he shouted, "I thought you might have forgotten!" He danced about in glee on all four paws.

"How could I forget," said Cathie, wryly, "All those messages left on my PC and these unsubtle hints from you every day for the last two weeks have certainly made an impression on all the humans here. I've even managed to persuade Mr. B. to do a spot of birthday planning on your behalf. I do so hope he remembers you." And at this Fredcat simply said softly to himself, "So long as Cathie remembers, everything's all right," and he shot off to grab a bite to eat before dinner.

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Saturday, October 1st 2005 (number 637)

Contemplating driving to work! Large image

It was Saturday morning and Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was staying in bed. No early morning start for her today! Fredcat looked quizzically at her, snugly tucked in under her warm duvet and wondered why she didn't grow a fur coat like his. "You can take it wherever you go," he said invitingly, "You never have to take it off - or, indeed, put it on. It's a permanent fixture."

But Cathie merely smiled and said, "Ask Mr. B. to make me a nice cup of tea, Fredcat, and drop a hint that I wouldn't object to a piece of toast - with marmalade. No - better make that two slices - large ones mind - all this working for a living make one very peckish."

"Do you always have to drive to work?" demanded Fredcat, later, "I find cars to be very noisy, dusty and dirty, and they always remind me of visits to the v*t's office. In fact, every time I go out in the car it ends up with me being hauled into some v*t's office or other. I never go anywhere interesting, me." Mr. B. came in with tea and freshly buttered toast and marmalade for Cathie, and remarked, "There are some fantastic new concept cars being unveiled, Fredcat, some of them have bodies that can be rotated so the front becomes the back and vice versa!"

"Huh. That's nothing new," the Famous One replied, "there have been trains around for years that can be driven from either end without lifting the whole train through 180 degrees." It must be said that he felt very smug knowing this, Constant Reader.

"That's because they have two driving compartments, one at each end of the train," replied Mr. B., "but this concept car has only one driving seat. I wonder what would happen if the rotating part got stuck half way - would the car have to be driven off at right angles? There are other vehicles that could be used, though. You could make your own time machine from spare parts from around the house!"

"Oh, that's very droll, but what would I actually do when I arrive at work?" insisted Fredcat, "Cathie was most unhelpful in telling me about what she does at work." Mr. B. thought for a while, and then said, "What you need is to make sure that you're in the right job for you. What you need, my friend, is a job predictor! Try this one out. Just type your name in it to get started. It told me that I should be a rally car driver! I quite fancy that." And the Grumpy One zoomed off, in a rallying world of his own.

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