Wednesday, November 30th 2005 (number 687)

Difficult Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was busy reading the news. "Do you realise that this year is the 250th anniversary of the publication of Samuel Johnson's dictionary? It was famous for over a hundred and fifty years, even though it was by no means the first dictionary known to be published." Cathie had clearly been reading up on this subject and she sniffed scornfully at Mr. B. who was watching sport on the big TV.

Fredcat was only mildly impressed. "Some people become famous for the most mundane of reasons," he opined. "Here am I slaving away at my famous diary, day after day, and yet he became famous for simply making a little list of words. One has to be really remarkable to fit all those words into proper sentences before one can consider oneself to be properly famous. Like me!" he added unnecessarily.

Mr. B. stirred himself and turned to Fredcat, "Kindly keep the noise down to a dull roar as I can't hear what the commentators are saying!" Fredcat snorted, and replied, "Huh! they're probably making up lots of new words; words that nobody has ever heard of before. Why don't you just turn the sound down and watch; see how much better it is that way." Fredcat sat down, rubbed his head with his left paw, and grinned at Cathie - who winked back.

"What's the point of a dictionary?" continued Fredcat, "words never seem to have the same meaning from one decade to the next. Even in the US and UK there are different meanings for the same written word. That's why I decided to keep to the standard English form for my famous diary," he remarked airily.

"But what will you do if you ever become an American citizen?" asked Mr. B. "Will you change your style to suit your new country of residence?" He knew Fredcat had avoided this question for some time and he watched him squirm in discomfort. But Fredcat knew a thing or two and he came up with a stinging (and side tracking) riposte, "I'm still on a hunger strike you know, I'm waiting for you humans to come up with some decent nosh. Having to eat biscuits all the time is awful for someone as famous as I." And he trundled off leaving behind two humans who smiled gently as his departing back. Poor Fredcat!

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Tuesday, November 29th 2005 (number 686)

Obstreperous Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat came in from the cold garage, shivered, shook himself all over and walked unhappily to the Fredcat food bowl. Nope! It was still there. He turned and glared at Mr. B. who had been watching the Mighty One intently. "Aren't you hungry?" enquired Mr. B., "By now you would've scoffed that lot in record time - are you ill or something?"

The reply was short and sweet, "Where's my turkey? I don't want to go back to this food from the v*t's office, I'm used to better than that now, I deserve better than that, so you can take this plate of whatever away and bring me some nice, juicy white meat from a well cooked turkey." Fredcat was clearly in a bad mood and everyone around had better look out!

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, looked over from the settee and said, rather apologetically, "Come, come, Fredcat, behave yourself. The turkey is finished - you ate the last of it last night." This cut no ice with Fredcat. "I need turkey meat now - or I'll go on a hunger strike until I get some!"

"Now this is a new ploy," thought Mr. B., "I wonder if I could use that ploy on Cathie to get her to cough up for more chocolates, or peaches-and-cream flavoured ice cream." But the humans quickly saw that Fredcat was determined. As the day passed and the food bowl remained full of food from the v*t's office (replaced by fresh food from the v*t's office from time to time), Fredcat steadfastly remained aloof and refused to even sniff at it. When bedtime came the humans began to get worried. Would this hunger strike last forever or would Fredcat succumb to hunger pangs?

But the food from the v*t's office remained untouched all night. Cathie was very worried until Mr. B. noticed that the contents of Fredcat's biscuit bowl were being steadily depleted. So the hunger strike wasn't 100%! Fredcat's definition of a hunger strike appeared to have clear bounds. Mr. B. remained unconvinced - no matter how long Fredcat's claimed hunger strike lasted, he would still be a big cat. "We'll just see how far he takes this," whispered Cathie, watching as the Famous One trotted off to his new cardboard box bed.

In his new bed, Fredcat mewsed on the success of his bumper sticker campaign. Bumper stickers had now been dispatched to all who had requested one (huzzah!), and life looked good. Indeed, life would be great if only Cathie would relent and cook another turkey - Fredcat had to admit that he was getting fed up with eating only cat biscuits. A hunger strike was fine in principle, but ....

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Monday, November 28th 2005 (number 685)

Disappearing turkey! Large image

Mr. B. checked the platter of cold turkey and wondered if there was sufficient left for him to enjoy even a token sandwich. He was in luck, there was more than a slice or two of white meat and a slightly larger section of dark meat. He beavered away, removing all the last remaining morsels; soon all that remained of the carcass was a mesh of bones.

Mr. B. looked at the pile of turkey meat piled high and licked his lips; this would be good! He buttered some bread and leaned forward to scatter the meat liberally over it but to his astonishment the plate of turkey meat had vanished.

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was standing next to the table, a steely glint in her eye. "Did you think that you were going to cheat my precious chick out of the last few remaining morsels of Thanksgiving turkey?" she scolded, "That poor cat is half starving and needs to be built up, not given odd scraps here and there."

Mr. B. spluttered but he needn't have bothered. Fredcat was happily munching through the pile of turkey which Cathie had carefully placed next to his drinking bowl. On reflection, there was quite a lot of it and Fredcat thought that he would be able to save some for later. What a kind Cathie - and Mr. B. - to think of him this way, particularly as he had, one way or another, managed to polish off most of the turkey himself.

When he had finished, Fredcat stretched and politely gave an indistinct bow in the direction of Cathie (it wouldn't do to acknowledge her too openly!) and strolled off to the front door where he waited patiently for the butler to come along and open it for him. Mustn't appear too eager to pass through, of course! In any case, it was raining so he merely sat down in the open doorway, gazed at the falling rain and started to daydream.

"I see that there are web sites that make comparisons of we felines," he said, slowly, "I'm afraid that I won't be judged that way but if you want to see some cats that have entered the comparison game, then that's all right by me. Anyway, I think I'm the cat of the day every day of the year." And so saying, he sauntered back into the living room and went to sleep in a new sleeping box, filled with a nice green throw that Mr. B. had inadvertently left lying around. He was nice and snug. And full of turkey.

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Saturday, November 26th 2005 (number 684)

November sales! Large image

Fredcat waited at the foot of the stairs for Mr. B. and led the Grumpy One directly (but discreetly!) to the Famous One's food bowl. "It appears to be empty," he said with a sly grin, "You humans have had a great Thanksgiving meal out and now you're supposed to make sure I get my share (my full entitlement, mind you) of the best white turkey meat."

"But I've already given you one plate full, as well as a decently-sized second helping," frowned Mr. B., but he did as he was told and filled up the bowl again. Sometimes it was simpler to give in to Fredcat rather than have a useless argument (which Mr. B. probably wouldn't win anyway).

Ten minutes later Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, came into the kitchen to see the Famous One licking his lips and grooming himself. She turned, suspiciously, to Mr. B. and said sharply, "You haven't been feeding Fredcat, have you? I've given him two large bowls of turkey meat and that should be more than enough."

Mr. B. did the maths, and turned quickly to remonstrate with the Famous One, only to see his ginger and white tail disappearing upstairs. "That means he's had, um, five plates of meat," he scowled, "that's far too much; he'll be ill!" But, as it happened, it wasn't too much, but Fredcat made sure he remained invisible until at least lunchtime when he knew that all would be forgotten.

Later, Mr. B. was discussing the after Thanksgiving Sales which started as soon the day after Thanksgiving. "You know, I think for once we've accumulated quite enough stuff this year," he said, "and my feet are too tired to go for long walks down the shopping malls this Christmas." Cathie (surprisingly) agreed with these sentiments. "Yes, Black Friday shopping can be very tiring; everyone is out there collecting bargains. I think I'll wait for a few days."

"I would be one of those shoppers," said Mr. B., "but I now have my new PC! I can stay at home trying out all its marvellous new features. The manufacturers have put so many on nowadays that I'm spending a lot of time removing the ones I don't want!"

"Mind you, I'm spending so much time at my new PC that I'm sure my eyes probably need to re-tested - I think I'm seeing things sometimes. I just see staring eyes all the time." Fredcat laughed at him and said, "You need a break from all those emails to humans who have requested my famous bumper stickers. Why don't you just go for a lie down and have a rest, like my feline friends." This thought immediately gave Fredcat the idea of having a bit of a rest himself. There was plenty of turkey left but he needed to get ready to take on board more white meat for his evening meal. Times are easy, right now, for a Famous cat like him.

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Thursday, November 24th 2005 (number 683)

Thanksgiving 2005! Large image

Fredcat the Famous wishes all his readers, human and feline alike, a Happy Thanksgiving. He has listened to the pleas from Mr. B. (hardworking Mr. B.? No way!) and also from his best human friend, Cathie, but was not particularly impressed by either submission. They are, after all, merely here to serve Fredcat and one doesn't encourage one's staff to dictate matters in one's Famous residence, does one?

The Famous One does admit, however, that he was persuaded by Cathie's threat to cut off supplies of warm turkey unless she and Mr. B. had a day off (gulp).

So, in a statement released by Fredcat the Famous (and from Cathie and Mr. B.), a Happy Thanksgiving holiday to all who celebrate this November feastday. And to all who don't - then you should!!

The diary of Fredcat the Famous will resume publication here on Saturday, so long as everyone survives the holiday!!

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Wednesday, November 23rd 2005 (number 682)

Taskmaster Fredcat! Large image

Mr. B. was hard at work on the Fredcat diary but Fredcat the Famous was not a bit happy. "If you had stayed at home instead of gallivanting around the world this mess would never have arisen. I have responsibilities you know, and my timetable is all adrift now! It's well known that in any project the weakest link is always the most crucial element and, I'm sorry to say, it looks like you're the weakest link in my Famous diary." Mr. B. simply bowed his head because he knew that he was at fault. Gone was the cosy bonding that he had enjoyed yesterday with Fredcat and in its place was cold reality.

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, stood quietly by. She knew that there had been a lot to do and here was Fredcat taking it out on Mr. B. (a tad unfairly, in her opinion) because of delays in responding to the sudden (surprising!) crop of requests for Fredcat the Famous bumper stickers. Mr. B., as usual, was going about his task with his normal unflinching determination.

Mr. B. lifted his head at last and looked the Famous One in the eye. "Look Fredcat, I've done as much as I can tonight; we're all very tired and I must have a bit of a rest. At your command Cathie has ordered a new batch of bumper stickers and she's received a confirmation message from the supplier to say that they're already on their way to the Fredcat residence. And I went out earlier to buy a huge supply of specially sized envelopes to fit the bumper stickers, so they'll be despatched as soon as we receive them."

He continued, "You probably don't realise this but, because of the high level of security that you insist upon on your computer, we've had to check all these requests for bumper stickers one by one to make sure that they didn't contain viruses When that was done we then had to update your e-mail address book so that it's ready to send out replies to everyone who's requested a sticker. And then we had to get the envelopes ready in order to send the stickers out as quickly as possible. We already have stamps, which is great - but now you want me to start work on your Diary and listen to your drivelling dictation. This isn't easy to listen to nowadays - what with the lisping that goes on now that you have lost half your teeth."

It was clear that the Grumpy One had finally lost his patience and it was time for some Cathie action to avert a crisis. But Fredcat, being in the direct line of fire, was getting the full blast so he got in first with his riposte - the Mighty One wasn't about to give ground. "Listen, matey," he said, "Just who is the Famous one here? You or moi? The answer is obvious - so get on with it and stop complaining; if you want to enjoy basking in my reflected glory, then work you must to ensure that said glory is maintained."

It seemed that things were getting out of hand so Cathie stepped in and started to chat about all sorts of other topics until the two had quite fogotten their quarrel and the Famous diary was soon complete (thank Heavens!) With a cup of cocoa for Mr. B., and some warm milk for Fredcat, all the fuss and bother soon subsided. Clever Cathie.

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Tuesday, November 22nd 2005 (number 681)

Bumpersticker popularity Large image

Mr. B. trooped wearily into the Fredcat residence and dumped his suitcases upon the floor. To his surprise Fredcat leapt from his best round bed and came to meet him, an anxious expression on his cute marshmallow face. "Where have you been?" he demanded, "I've been looking everywhere for you. I've had to dictate my daily dairy several times over the last few days to my best human friend, Cathie, instead of to you. She's very accommodating (of course) but it's your job to do the humdrum typing so that Cathie can work on the more creative side of my diary entries."

Mr. B. glared at the Mighty One and said crossly, "Creative, indeed! Harrumph! Now just a minute, I'd like a nice cup of British Blend tea before you leap in with your criticisms. You do realise that we can edit your moronic meanderings from anywhere in the world, if we so choose, because we've learned to do this now that we have a better class of PC at our disposal. So there!" Mr. B. trundled into the kitchen and duly made his tea whilst also, absent-mindedly, filled the Fredcat food bowls with fresh meat, biscuits and water, as if he'd never been away.

Fredcat watched him in astonishment - he'd just said some cross words to Mr. B. and the latter hadn't turned a hair. And he'd given him an extra helping of grub. "The Grumpy One's being a very good human", he thought, "I'd best make up to him." So as soon as Mr. B. sat down in his big armchair, Fredcat leapt onto the armrest and purred very loudly indeed. He inclined his ginger and white head and was duly rewarded with a long series of strokings and chuck-a-chins until even he was satisfied. Then he crept down onto Mr. B.'s lap and went to sleep within a half a minute, which is where Cathie found them (both asleep!) half an hour later ...

"I'm sorry to break this mutual bonding session between you two," she said, "but we have a bit a problem with the Fredcat diaries. All of a sudden we've had a veritable host of requests for bumper stickers; many of these are from Canada and northwestern USA - and we've have simply run out of our emergency backup stock of stickers. I've never known there to be such interest in them! I thought I'd tell you that I've ordered another batch of stickers and, as soon as I've received them, they'll be dispatched to all who asked for them. Don't worry, all requests will be honoured but it might take a week or so. So, Mr. B., you need Fredcat to have your (suddenly very close!) feline friend dictate a reply to all those who have made these requests - and to all those other correspondents who have sent messages recently!"

Mr. B. sighed, took his empty cup to the kitchen, made himself - and Cathie - another cup of tea from a fresh pot and set to work, with Fredcat sitting imperiously by his side. Mr. B. was really looking forward to sleeping in his own bed tonight for a change but, before he could do that, he needed to get on with writing replies to all these new Fredcat admirers. And he dutifully set to.

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Monday, November 21st 2005 (number 680)

Eyepatch-wearing Fredcat? Large image

“Do you realise that it’s well below zero degrees Farenheit out there?” declared Fredcat, piteously, “This country and its weather is certainly very strange. Even though I'm covered with a layer of my Famous Fur I confess that I’m more than a bit chilly." He looked over at his best human friend, Cathie, who was gazing desperately (and uselessly) at the gas fire. “Aren’t you going to light that appliance?” he demanded, “I think even Mr. B. would agree that it’s cold enough to light it, and to turn on the central heating. I’ve been running around all morning, chasing my Famous tail, and all I’m getting is frostbite on my nose.”

“Don’t be so silly,” retorted Cathie, “you’re supposed to be famous - and a lot of famous creatures are able to withstand cold weather. Imagine how cold it would have been on the expedition to the Antarctic with Captain Scott! Or how cold it is right now in Barrow, Alaska - the sun has gone down there now and no one will see it again until January 23rd, next year!”

“That logic is a tad flawed, Cathie," replied the Famous One, "and I may be a hero, but I’m certainly not one for that sort of heroics. My brand of heroism is strictly the stay at home variety, where my brain does all the work - rather like Sherlock Holmes, or Columbo. I could even wear a macintosh and an eyepatch like Colombo did - and look out of one eye.”

“Errr, Columbo didn't wear an eyepatch, Fredcat," corrected Cathie, "I think you're confusing him with a pirate! And being a detective isn't as easy as you think, you know. And even if Columbo did wear an eyepatch, you have no experience of wearing one. It's not easy, you know. You just try it, my friend! Just go ahead!”

Fredcat realised that what Cathie said was true. And it was late. And he needed to be in bed. He shook himself, summoned his Famous Feline Dignity and set off for the bedroom.

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Saturday, November 19th 2005 (number 679)

Sleepyhead Fredcat Large image

Fredcat was nowhere to be found. His best human friend, Cathie, had looked high and low (literally), searching for the Famous One. "Where on earth could he be?" she wondered, "It's time for tea! Fredcat never misses a meal, if he can help it." She sighed, and continued her search. She eventually unearthed a (grumpy) Famous One, asleep on one of the chairs under the dining table. "Come on, Fredcat! Food!" she sang out. But Fredcat merely turned a lazy eye on her, and said, "Later, please, Cathie. I'm tired and I don't want to get up yet. I feel like this today. Can you just put my piece of best steak somewhere safe, until I get up?"

Cathie stared at him. "Your piece of best steak? All my eye and Betty Martin, mate. If I'm not having steak, then you're not having steak. Nice try, though! Now - why don't you want to get up? You're not sick again, are you? Or are you upset about something? You're not sulking, I hope! Sulking never gets anyone anywhere, you know."

Fredcat thought for a moment. "No, I'm not sulking. The truth is, I feel a little lonely. I think I'm missing David. I really enjoyed seeing him again - and now that he's gone back home, I miss his special chuck-a-chins. He's known me since I was just a very tiny kitten, you know, Cathie."

Cathie gazed at her special friend. "I do understand, Fredcat, and I sympathise with you. I miss David too. But cheer up - he's hoping to come here for Christmas! And that's not that far away now, is it?"

Fredcat considered this piece of information carefully and then decided to adopt his best stoical British attitude, and pulled himself together. If David were to come for Christmas, then there'd be lots of things to do about the house in preparation for his visit. And if Fredcat knew his humans (which we did - very well!) they'd need a lot of chivvying and ordering around to make sure that everything was done in time. What they needed was a project manager. A feline project manager. He swung into action.

"Righty-ho, Cathie, I'm awake now. Look at the time - where has the day gone? Tut, tut. OK, let's get to work. Now, in my very important opinion, we need to do this first, and then ...." and his voice trailed off as he shot out of the room, and headed upstairs. "Oh, dear," thought Cathie, "I preferred him asleep!"

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Friday, November 18th 2005 (number 678)

Anticipating Thanksgiving! Large image

Fredcat watched with interest as Mr. B. put on an apron. The Mighty One suppressed a smile and looked hurriedly at the wall when Mr. B. turned to him with a suspicious look. "What's the matter with you?" demanded the Grumpy One, but Fredcat merely hid his mouth behind a raised paw and muttered, "Nothing." "Is it this then? Do you think only female humans wear these?" growled Mr. B., holding up one end of the apron he was wearing. But Fredcat had recovered his composure, and said, "Oh no, I just think it a bit backward that you don't grow your own fur like humans used to do, and now you have to cover all parts of your body with additional layers of clothing." (But privately he thought Mr. B. was being a tad daft walking about in an apron with a Christmas motif on when it was still weeks away from the festive season.)

Soon, however, Mr. B. was busy cleaning the big oven. "What do you intend doing with that?" enquired Fredcat, "I can't recall you using that oven for, well, probably years now. How much beef can you cook in that oven at once? It looks very large. Come to think of it, I would really like to taste something hot and home-cooked after all this cold v*t-bought food."

"As it happens, it's Thanksgiving next week and your best human friend, Cathie, is thinking of preparing a roast - so the oven needs to be cleaned beforehand. Errr, not that it needs much work, just a buffing-up, really, just to get rid of the dust really ... Yes, that's it. Just to get rid of the dust." Mr. B. looked quizzically at Fredcat and sized him up. "How much do you weigh? he asked. The Famous One drew himself up to his full height and replied proudly, "Twelve pounds! I'm now back to being fit and well. I might weigh a little less, but not much. Like everything else about me, my weight is perfect."

"Twelve pounds, eh!" said Mr. B. turning back to the oven, but any further nasty teasing comments were nipped in the bud as Cathie herself walked in and scolded Mr. B. "Keep those horrible feline weight and oven size calculations to yourself," she said, "or else you'll be eating elsewhere for Thanksgiving, and Fredcat and I will enjoy the roast turkey all to ourselves." And with that she whisked the Ginger and White One off for a quiet cuddle on the settee.

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Thursday, November 17th 2005 (number 677)

Cautious Fredcat Large image

Strange noises were emanating from the study. Drawers were being dragged out, writing implements of all kind were being tipped onto the floor, and Fredcat was marching among the mess, kicking pens here and there, while examining them intently. "What the ... What on earth are you doing, little one?" asked Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "I hope none of those pens are leaking, otherwise you'll be in dead trouble, mate, if the carpet ends up stained. What's going on?"

"Look out, Cathie!" shouted the Famous One, "Stand well back! I don't want you getting injured, you know. If there's a fountain pen here, you could be made poorly sick!"

"OK, now I've heard it all. Would you care to explain why I should be cowering in a corner if there's a fountain pen among that lot?" asked Cathie, disbelievingly.

"Yes, I will - but stand well back while I'm explaining, OK?" replied a tangibly worried Fredcat, "It turns out that fountain pens are too dangerous for people under the age of 14, the British Standards Institution says. Now I know that you're young, Cathie, so I'm very concerned about this dire announcement. I have to find every single fountain pen among this lot, and dispose of it - just in case."

"Oh, Fredcat, you are funny," laughed Cathie, "Your inability to count above nine does cause you some problems sometimes, doesn't it?! I need to say a couple of things. One is that I haven't been under fourteen years of age for a long time, and the other is that I can categorically assure you that there's not a single fountain pen among that lot. I also happen to know that there were getting on for 200 pens and pencils, combined, in that there drawer - and now they're all over the floor. I should make you put them back yourself but as you were doing this for a good reason ... would you like some assistance with putting them all away?"

The Famous One blinked. "Nearly 200, eh? Yes, please. You know, I wonder whether that fountain pen warning was a tad over the top, Cathie. Not a day seems to go by without our being alerted to some concern or another."

"Well, we do need to be aware of some alerts, Fredcat", Cathie replied, "Food recalls, drug safety labelling concerns, and urgent information regarding blood glucose meters, for example. But some things don't seem to be worth getting wound up over, in my opinion. I think that Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy contains some pretty sound advice, panic-wise."

And the two set to, picking up pens and pencils and putting them in that there drawer. And it turned out that none of the pens were leaking (which was a very good thing for Fredcat). And Cathie was right - there wasn't a single fountain pen among 'em. Phew!

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Wednesday, November 16th 2005 (number 676)

'Inspecting' empty computer boxes Large image

Fredcat was feeling decidedly less orange-y than he was feeling 24 hours ago, so he turned his attention to matters closer to home, viz. the Grumpy One's shiny new PC. "I am decidely unimpressed by this new toy," he said, "If this thing is so great, then why doesn't it wake us all up in the morning, or open the curtains automatically for us or (most important of all) get my meals for me? It doesn't look that different to the Grumpy One's old PC. I think you've been had." "Now hold on there!" protested Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "that's no way to talk. For one thing this computer can handle all your famous dictations, emails from your friends, and your responses to them and, if you leave it on at night, the front of its box flashes green all night - in a most attractive manner. What more could you could ask of a computer?!"

"Well, I wouldn't mind one that could pick winning lottery numbers," retorted the Famous One, "that would be a good start. And how about one that makes the beds? That would be a great time saver!"

"You'll never get one that makes the beds, my friend," replied Cathie, "we'd need a clone of Mr. B. to do that. That might not be so far away, in fact. Do you realise that it was recently the first anniversary of the creation of the world's first cloned d*g? It was recently pronounced the most amazing invention of 2005! And the first cloned cat has been around for longer than the first cloned d*g."

Fredcat sniffed disparagingly. "Most amazing creation of 2005. Huh. I'm going to go and play with ... err, inspect the empty computer boxes which are still all over the floor in the living room. Cardboard boxes are extremely interesting, you know. One of them was recently added to the Toy Hall of Fame - quite why, I don't understand. I don't find anything you humans do easy to understand. You should all come fitted with an Easy Button."

And he wandered off in the direction of the living room, leaving Cathie to ponder on the exact nature of Fredcat's claimed box inspections. "I know what he means when he says he's going to 'inspect' those boxes," she mused, "It has something to do with the nature of the nice green throw that's in one of them. And who dragged that there, I wonder ...."

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Tuesday, November 15th 2005 (number 675)

Interior designer Fredcat Large image

Fredcat had quite recovered from single-handedly (single-pawedly?) putting away all his belongs, following his realisation that he was not headed to the asteroid belt. He had also put away his made-to-measure feline space suit, on the basis that "one never knows when such a thing might come in handy". While he was resting and recovering from the physical labour associated with such work, he found himself mewsing on what he should do now. I know!" he pronounced, "Interior design! I can be an interior deigner, and assist David in settling into his new flat! I'm very good with colors, you know - probably because I have such glorious colours in my beautiful fur. That'll be the reason that I'm so good with colours - won't it?"

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, sighed and looked at her famous feline friend. "I suppose so, Fredcat. And I have to agree with you - you do have lovely colors in your fur. But how are you going to assist David, when you're at least 4,500 miles away from his new flat? Are you going to fly out there and provide advice on a "pay by the hour" basis? You'd have to charge an awful lot of money just to recover the cost of your flights there and back, you know!"

"Of course not," scoffed Fredcat, "You really do have get yourself up to date, Cathie. Webcams! That's the way to go, you know! Webcams! I think that David has one, and if you were to buy one, David would be able to show you his flat, and I'd be able to establish how much of my specialist interior design skills I'd have to bring to bear on David's new home. And using such technology would spare me from having to actually go to England. I hear they have quarantine laws there which would keep me locked up for ages and ages before I could even get to the flat!" And he shuddered at the very thought of having to be quarantined.

Cathie sighed. Sometimes Fredcat's ego knew no bounds. "OK, Fredcat, what kind of interior design ideas are you going to offer David?" she asked.

"Well, I strongly suggest a set of drawers like this one, for a start," replied the Famous One, "and a coffeetable like this one, and this set of bedding would be very comfortable, I'm sure. I also recommend that this carpet to be laid, wall to wall throughout David's flat. And to ensure that David fits into his newly decorated home, he should buy at least one of these these suits. Finally, to complete the design theme, he should, of course, have one of these pieces of art on display, made in my image. It's an original, you know, designed for me by Dr. Ken. He is, of course, internationally known."

Cathie started examing Fredcat's suggestions, but then broke off and left the room. When she returned she was wearing huge sunglasses. "Fredcat," she began, "there appears to be a certain, ah ..."

"Theme, Cathie! Theme is the word you're looking for! Orange is the thing. It's a wonderful colour, it works perfectly for me, and if David were to take up my wholly sensible design suggestions, he'll be reminded of me whenever he is at home. It's a win-win situation!" pronounced the Famous One, proudly,

"Well, David would certainly think of something, that's for sure," said Cathie, "Although I'm not sure he'd be thinking of you, necessarily, little love, every time he woke up and saw those colours. But thank you for your suggestions, I'll make sure that David gets to know of them. You are very kind to offer your services as his interior designer, Fredcat. You're a good cat!"

"Yes, I am," opined the Famous One, and he wandered off for a sleep. Interior design was very tiring.

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Monday, November 14th 2005 (number 674)

Asteroid belt Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat huffed his way upstairs, and then puffed his way downstairs shortly afterwards, one of his recently dry-cleaned round beds clutched between his teeth. "One down, and two more to go," he muttered to himself, depositing said bed on the top of a rapidly growing pile of his possessions on the floor in the living room. A little while later said process had been repeated, now two of his round beds were sat on the top of pile, and he was off upstairs again, to get round bed number three. "It's hard work, being a three round bed owner", he threw over his shoulder to no one in particular, as he pawsed for breath and considered his next task.

"What on earth are you doing, little one?" asked his best human friend, Cathie, as she entered the room and nearly tripped over the rapidly growing pile of feline possessions. "Can't stop, Cathie, I'm busy, busy. I'm off to the ..." but the end of Fredcat's explanation was lost as he drew a large breath, and vanished in the general direction of the stairs.

"You're off to the what? Come on, come on, calm down and tell me what's happening!" insisted Cathie.

"I'm off to the asteroid belt! At dawn!" the Famous One announced, "I'm going very soon, and I need to make sure that I don't forget to take anything which might prove important. I've sorted out my beds, and I now need to gather all my food bowls from everywhere. I won't be able to manage living in the asteroid belt without them - I need them for my MREs, you know, because my regular food will just float everywhere in space (or so I'm informed). Hmmm, I must make a note of that, will you write that down for me, Cathie? I'm all at sixes and sevens right now. Oh, and where's my famous feline spacesuit?" And he shot out of the room - to be pulled back in very short order by a laughing Cathie. "You're going to the asteroid belt? What?"

"OK, OK. Just read this, Cathie. I'm very excited!" said the Famous (and excited) one

"Excited you may be, my friend, but you ain't going anywhere, Fredcat. It seems to me that you've stumbled across a NASA website which is accepting names to be sent to the asteroid belt. On a spacecraft called Dawn. You're not actually going - at dawn, or at any other time!" explained Cathie, gently.

Fredcat's little face fell. "I"m not?" he asked sadly, but he perked up quickly as he realised what Cathie had said. "But my name is?"

"Yes, my love, your name certainly is going to the asteroid belt! Just read this again." And Fredcat looked, examined it carefully and pronounced himself satisfied.

"Now ... as for this large pile of your stuff ...." suggested Cathie. And Fredcat sighed, and set to.

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Saturday, November 12th 2005 (number 673)

Homelover Fredcat Large image

"Where have you been?" demanded Fredcat of his best human friend, Cathie, as she bounced in through the door from the garage. "I've been on my own here - and I've run out of my special prescription food! I'm hungry! I thought of doing what this cat was doing, but I couldn't get the fridge door open. I don't know why you have to keep it closed all the time." "Now don't be so miserable, Fredcat," replied Cathie, "Despite what you think, the world does not revolve around you - no matter how famous you are. If you must know, I've been to the airport because a certain human called David has returned to England - and while I was there I decided to stay and watch the airplanes taking off and landing. I still don't understand how they stay up in the air - do you? And don't just say that it's magic!"

"Well, I have no idea how anything that flies stays up in the air," responded the Famous One, "I know that bees, in theory, shouldn't be able to fly at all. I certainly have no idea how these bee d*gs could fly - and even less of an idea as to how their humans managed to persuade the sorry creatures to dress up as bees! I'm very glad that you don't even suggest anything like that to me, Cathie! Now, onto more important things - my food bowls are empty and I am starvling hungry."

"Do you know, my friend, you never stop moaning, do you?" asked Cathie, "On and on and on about anything and everything. You're an inveterate whinger and bellyacher! I need to adopt a policy which only allows for two moans, ever. More than two moans - and you're out!"

"Well, I know of one thing that I should be moaning about," said Fredcat, "I received lots and lots of emails from my friends who sent good wishes to you during your recent stay in the Intensive Care Unit. When will someone get around to sending out my famous dictated messages to my friends? I don't want Janie, JimmyDF, the Talley clan, Susan and David, Phyllis cats, Susan, Dana, Tracy and Patsy to think that I am rude in not replying to them, you know."

"Have no fear, Fredcat," soothed Cathie, "your emails will be sent out this weekend, I'm sure your friends will understand. Don't forget that the Grumpy One has had to get used to a shiny new computer, and that does take time, you know."

Fredcat pondered this and eventually pronounced himself satisfied. He would still love to know how airplanes stayed up in the air, though ...

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Friday, November 11th 2005 (number 672)

Eleventh hour Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, explained that today was the anniversary of the end of World War I. "The date used to be called Remembrance Day, but now it's been changed to Remembrance Sunday - which is in a couple of days time," she said, "But if you have a poppy, you can wear it almost any time up to Remembrance Sunday and it'll be alright." She smiled, hoping that Fredcat understood all this.

"It's all to do with ending conflicts between we human peoples," she said. "It seems that nowadays, there are more mechanical ways of doing the fighting. One can see more and more robots doing the dirty work so we humans can sit back and try to keep out of harm's way. You can even make your own robots now," she added, "try your paw at this and see how scary they can be made."

"You have to be very imaginative to make a robot," said Fredcat, "every time I try to think of something scary I can only come up with the image of a d*g. Or perhaps the vacuum cleaner that Mr. B is so fond of using, or even his car. Why is it that all the things I really dislike are all noisy?" He lapsed into a gloomy silence, but then perked up, and said, "You can use your imagination here, the more you let it run riot the more interesting things you can make!"

"I suppose the worst thing I can think of is Mr. B. when he ..."

"Now, that's quite enough of that, Fredcat," snapped Cathie, "he's just remade your new bed which has been made out of one the very large boxes that came with the PC. The box really should have been taken to the tip, but you seemed so very comfortable in it that he hadn't the heart to turf you out. So you just be kind to him." Fredcat agreed to try and ended up being so very kind to the Grumpy One that he didn't wake him up until nearly a quarter past six. That cat is all heart, sometimes ...

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Thursday, November 10th 2005 (number 671)

Smartalec Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat looked at all the shopping his best human friend, Cathie, had brought home. "I assume that it's all shopping for me, to keep me in the manner to which I have become accustomed," he purred happily. Said purr did indeed appear to be justified - a case of the most excellent cat food would be seen; a dozen tins bound together with plastic wrappings, ready to be used at a moment's notice. And as far as the Famous One was concerned, that moment was NOW.

"Yes Fredcat, they are for you," smiled Cathie, "but we have to ration them out; there's nothing to be gained by having a fat feline around the house, you know. Apart from your excellent qualities as a famous moggie, I need you to ensure that we don't become overrun by any little mice-like creatures and it order to do that you need to not eat all twelve tins at once." She smiled again; she did care a lot for Fredcat.

Her reverie was soon broken by the Grumpy One. "You spend quite a lot of your disposable income on that cat," he said, as he surveyed the contents of the shopping, "I know I'm very grateful to you both for fixing it for me to have a new PC but I can't help feeling that it's more to do with the need to keep the Fredcat diary on the intawebs than anything else."

Cathie arched her brows and winked at Fredcat. "It's all so easy; you just hand over your credit card and bingo! It's all yours to take home straight away. I'm sure we have enough money in the bank to pay for this stuff."

"We?" asked Mr. B., but neither Cathie nor Fredcat were listening. "I certainly need all this good food to keep up with the Joneses," said Fredcat, "Keeping up with this cat, Annie, is like keeping up with the Joneses, as far as I'm concerned - it does all sorts! It does fetch and carry, and it even rattles the doorknob to wake up her best human friend. Wow! That's given me a great idea for getting Mr. B. up even earlier in the mornings." He grinned and shot off to find a spare doorknob to practice on. Clever Fredcat!

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Wednesday, November 9th 2005 (number 670)

Upgraded (PC) Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was in his element. His spirits had risen as the weather had improved, and he was full of himself. He had been discussing with his best human friend, Cathie, the ins and outs of the emergency health-related visits both had recently made, and their subsequent hands-on testing of their respective medical facilities. In the end it became a matter of pure boasting as each put their case for being the more ill of the two.

"The v*ts decided to give me the full treatment whilst I was there inspecting their facilities," started Fredcat, "They kept me in for a couple of days - and shaved my leg to the bone - and made me carry out an enormous number of tests. I'm not sure that they were all essential but I was very stoical and I came through with flying colours. With all that coughing and sneezing I was made to feel quite ill but I survived! Beat that if you can!"

"Easy," scoffed Cathie, "I was so ill when I made my visit that they put me in the Intensive Care Unit because the doctors reckoned I had a life-threatening condition. They did all sorts of tests, took gallons of blood for weeks on end and Mr. B. was already reading my will - just in case."

Fredcat looked at her, askance. "Hold it there, you were only in for four days, and it's cc's of blood they take, not gallons, and now look at you, almost fit again for work. My leg, however, took weeks to be healed, and I was scared that an eagle would think I was a ready-to-eat chicken because my leg looked so scrawny. And my leg wasn't even damaged - it was my body and sinus system that were giving me the trouble!" The two braggarts glared at each other.

"Stop! Stop!" said Mr. B., "How am I going to record all these vitally important musings? The Fredcat PC is giving me all sorts of problems! I need to have it replaced - the whole system keeps crashing all the time." Mr. B. was very grumpy indeed and he glared at the monitor as if it were to blame for the PC's shortcomings. Fredcat and Cathie looked at each other and Fredcat pleaded with Cathie to, as it were, fix it for Mr. B. She mused for a while and soon she and David were off, driving to the nearest Best Buy store where they fixed it, good style, for Mr. B.

Mr. B. was astounded as he reviewed the boxes and set to their unpacking. "It seems to me that it pays to be not ill - to be the someone that looks after those who are less fortunate! I have a brand new PC - and it's terrific!! I don't know how many times I've had to restart the Fredcat old PC but it's definitely time for it to be put out to grass. There must be a door we need to be propped open, methinks." He was clearly very pleased - and Fredcat was just as pleased because now he could now rattle away at top speed with his dictation, knowing that Mr. B., on the new computer, could keep up. Huzzah!

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Tuesday, November 8th 2005 (number 669)

Happiest days! Large image

It was only yesterday that the sun was shining and the total resident population of the Fredcat residence was content. But today things were slightly different. As far as Fredcat could see nothing much had changed outwardly; the sun still shone warmly and there was no chilling wind to ruffle the Fredcat fur. But inside, there was much kerfuffle. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was changing things and all was turmoil ...

"I'll be needing the electric blanket on the bed now that winter is here," she opined, Even if I don't need to switch the blanket on, the weight of it is very comforting." And she wrapped her arms around herself in a sign of tactile pleasure. Fredcat looked out of the window, somewhat mystified. It was a day when Mr. B. was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and he was perspiring in the garden as he was digging up old shrubs which had withered in the heat of summer.

"Aren't you being a tad premature,Cathie?" he asked at last, "It's going to be fine for a few days yet, you know," but he was totally ignored since Cathie knew full well that the outside temperature would one day soon drop alarmingly and she wanted to be well prepared. "It's all a question of being content and happy," she said, "And I am happiest when I am comfy and cosy. Other people around the world have their own views on happiness of course, but me, I want to be cosy." Fredcat gazed at her, mystified. "But aren't you the human who always wants the temperature cranked well down?" he asked, in seeming innocence. But (once again) he was completely ignored.

"People are happy in different ways," she said when it was time for bed, "I like to be warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Now Mr. B. would be just as happy going on the London to Brighton run, all wrapped up in multiple winter coats, exposed to the open air. Those old cars are all over a hundred years old, you know, and they're driven at speeds that would suit him no end." She laughed as Mr. B. glared at her from the big armchair; she knew that nothing would ever induce him to do such a thing, unless the run were to be held in the middle of a heatwave!

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Monday, November 7th 2005 (number 668)

Repeating summer time! Large image

It hadn't been very cold and the central heating system hadn't been needed. Once the Fredcat insides had been satisfied with a good breakfast, he had wandered outside and settled down for a well-earned rest. It was a wonderful day. The sun was out and even though it was low in the sky, the warmth felt wonderful on the Fredcat back.

It was even warm enough for Mr. B. to do some gardening. Fredcat liked it when the Grumpy One did this, though he himself took only a spectator's interest. Fredcat always expected something to leap out from the shrubbery when Mr. B. went rooting round; perhaps something that the Famous One could chase? (If he felt like it, of course.)

Today the secateurs were at the ready and as long stems were lopped off the climbing roses, Fredcat scampered after them, making sure that he didn't step on any thorns. It was then time to explore the two tomato plants, and Fredcat was astounded to find another dozen tomatoes ready for picking. And this in November! "I must have gathered a hundred or more ripe tomatoes already and now these (admitted) green ones will soon ripen too," said Mr. B., "We're having a hard time giving all these away; do you fancy any?" but Fredcat declined, with a shudder.

"What about some large apples then?" grinned Mr. B., wickedly.

"No thanks," replied Fredcat, even more swiftly.

"I bet if you were rich you'd find a way to eat these vegetables," said Mr. B. but Fredcat replied haughtily, "No matter how rich I may become I'll always prefer something with the word meat in it, being the carnivorous feline that I am."

Mr. B. sighed, but conceded that Fredcat's needs were not of Fredcat's own making. And it had to be said that with his new regimen, Fredcat was looking pretty perky and the walk around the garden had done both of them good. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was also well on the road to full recovery and the health situation at the Fredcat residence was looking very rosy indeed. With the weather forecast continuing to show warm weather for the rest of the week, the three resident humans - and Fredcat - would be having a nice rest. Life was good.

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Saturday, November 5th 2005 (number 667)

Firework-hater Fredcat! Large image

It was just a casual remark made by Mr. B. to Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, but it made Fredcat jump. "Do you realise it's the Fifth of November today? I wonder if we'll see any Bonfire Night fireworks displays here. I have little doubt that Hallow'een celebrations have overwhelmingly superceded the English Guy Fawkes fiasco; few Americans seem to have even heard of it. Although it turned out to be a non-event, it could have changed world history, you know!"

Now Fredcat's memory may be a tad shaky at times but the days around Bonfire Night are ones he never forgets. "There are some dates I just don't like - and the Fifth of November's one of 'em," he muttered, "I especially dislike the noisy fireworks that are set off by you humans to celebrate the foiling of the Gunpowder Plot."

Cathie agreed, "When I was small." she said, "we had great fun because it was exciting to watch the fireworks go off, especially the rockets, and we all went to watch the bonfires being lit; it certainly provided lots of extra warmth in the dark November days."

"Of course, none of the children really understood what it was all about," she added, "we were only interested in the fireworks." Fredcat was indignant. "I've had enough of all this scary Hallow'een and Guy Fawkes frightening stuff; I want an International Fredcat the Famous (IFF) day, when all you humans bring goodies for their favourite felines. We cats will get cards, toys, loads of good food - and we will definitely have our own show on the big TV."

"Are you feeling alright?" asked Mr. B., "Look, I know you're campaigning to be the OSF but to go international on a single issue is asking a lot. The last thing you want is to be a martyr, mate!"

Cathie jumped in, saying, "That's not such a bad idea, you know. I think we should choose October 4th as the First Annual International Fredcat the Famous Day. It is the day that Fredcat was born, after all!"

"These international days are more usually chosen as the anniversary of the famous one's, errrr, demise," said Mr. B., slowly, "but as that hasn't happened yet, I'm happy to go for Fredcat's birth date. But October 4th is a long time away. Of course, if you were to d..."

"That's quite enough of that kind of talk," said Cathie, sharply, "Fredcat's immortal, doncha know - he's going to be five years of age forever." And she swept the Mighty One up in her arms and gave him a huge chuck-a-chin.

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Friday, November 4th 2005 (number 666)

Cautious passenger Fredcat! Large image

When Fredcat woke up the first thing he did (after a brief bout of essential grooming) was to check on the whereabouts of his best human friend, Cathie. He was extremely pleased to see that she was sleeping peacefully and hadn't vanished overnight. He tiptoed out of the bedroom and went in search of nourishment. To his surprise Mr. B. was already up and about, sipping a nice soothing cup of tea at his desk.

"Well, Fredcat," the Grumpy One said, with a slightly weary grin, "It's been an exciting few days, eh? Are you glad it's all over? I am!" And Mr. B. took a big gulp of hot tea. Fredcat looked at Mr. B. and wondered if he was hearing things. The Grumpy One was obviously concerned about Cathie. But surely she was better and fit and well, was she not? Hadn't she given Fredcat about a million chuck-a-chins to prove that all was well? Sometimes he thought he would never understand the peculiar ways that humans related to each other.

Later Fredcat saw Mr. B. examining his shiny silver car - looking closely at the tread on the car tyres. "Fredcat," he said at last, "There's no more rides for you in this vehicle." The Famous One's heart leapt - no more car rides, no more visits to the dreaded v*t's office. No more wretchedly noisy engines scaring the living daylights out of the Fredcat's eardrums. Total bliss! He ran inside to tell Cathie the excellent news.

"This must have been a wondrous side effect of your going to the hospital," he said, "Now that you've returned, all further trips for us are off. We'll both sit at home together for ever!" Fredcat jumped onto Cathie's lap and began to purr very loudly indeed. He could never be an aggressive cat with all this attention. But his delight was inevitably short-lived when the Grumpy One came into the house.

"Once I buy some new tyres," he said, "We'll all be out driving even more safely. Then I shall order a most important vehicular accessory - a set of french fry holders - an absolute necessity, I feel."

Fredcat groaned. He looked at Cathie who was resting her leg on the couch as part of her recuperation. It was clear that she wasn't going anywhere in the very near future so he shrugged his ginger shoulders and thought that he might as well make the best of it whilst she was home. So he climbed up onto the couch, treaded on Cathie a little, and settled down, resting his head on her toes. Purrfect.

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Thursday, November 3rd 2005 (number 665)

Celebratory Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was all alone in his Famous residence. The weather was warm and sunny and Our Hero had skipped through the front door eagerly when the butler had obligingly held it open for him.

Indeed, Mr. B. had been remarkably cheerful as he went about his daily chores. Then the telephone had rung and he had dashed out so quickly that Fredcat had had no time to even mew a goodbye to the (formerly?) Grumpy One's departing back.

Fredcat found his best sleeping spot in the front garden. Was it really the beginning of November? He had found no difficulty in adapting to the extra daylight saving hour last weekend and as the sun beat down, he quickly fell fast asleep. A sudden noisy blast coming from Mr. B.'s shiny silver car woke him immediately - and there, in the front seat, sat his best human friend, Cathie - and she was smiling!

Now Fredcat's reflexes are extraordinarily quick at the best of times, but even he had to blink his yellow eyes twice before he realised that it was indeed his best human friend. And she was home! With a leap Fredcat made his way into the garage, arriving at the same instant as the car rolled slowly to a halt. Cathie eased herself down and swept the Mighty One into her arms. Fredcat's little feline heart almost burst with happiness.

"Cathie!!!! Are you well again?" he asked, wriggling in her arms. Actually he didn't care how she replied, he was far too happy to see her again. Cathie carried Fredcat into the living room and settled him down on her lap on the very best easy chair. Fredcat curled up and promptly fell asleep, thereby trapping Cathie for the next hour!

Whilst he slept, the humans chatted, the telephone rang, cups of tea were drunk and the human world was put to rights. Fredcat didn't care about this. He was more than content. Hunger pains were conspicuous by their absence, his Cathie was home and all was well in the Fredcat residence. Huzzah!

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Wednesday, November 2nd 2005 (number 664)

Pedestrian Fredcat! Large image

Standing next to the shiny silver car was the bright red car of Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie - but of Cathie there was no sign. This was worrying. Suddenly Mr. B. stepped into the garage and Fredcat skipped smartly through the cat door and made it safely outside. No quick scooping-up at the last minute this time! He watched as the garage doors opened and the Grumpy One's shiny car came out onto the driveway.

The window rolled down and Mr. B. shouted over the engine, "Look after yourself for a while, I'm off to get a driving licence from the DMV." And he shot off in a screech of tyres and a puff of exhaust smoke.

"Wow!" thought Fredcat, "All this time he's been driving me to the v*t's office, and only now he gets a licence? Is he a maniac or what?" But David explained that one has to renew one's driver license every five years in North Carolina, and that was why the Grumpy One had left in such a hurry.

"Five years!" exploded Fredcat, "that's a veritable lifetime! Does my best human friend, Cathie have to get her licence renewed as well?"

"Yup," replied David, laughing, "We don't want her getting lost like some cats I know - because she's not up to date on road signals and signs, just because she hasn't studied the Driver's Handbook for a while."

"But she can't get her licence renewed if she's in hospital can she?" Fredcat said, quietly, "Which means she won't be able to drive to work, so she'll have to stay at home with me all day, so that's brilliant!" A sudden thought struck him. "Ahem, when is Cathie coming home?" he asked softly, "It's very quiet here without her music playing, or her singing. When she's not here all I hear is the computer keyboard going tap, tap, tap, all day."

"I'm pleased to to say that the last we heard is that Cathie is now well out of immediate danger," replied David, "I'm sure she'll be home in a day or two - you'll see, she is very resilient." And Fredcat was mightily pleased to hear that, even if he didn't really know what resilient meant. He only hoped his many readers understood; many of them had certainly sent him some comforting messages of support. He would remind Mr. B to write thank you letters to them all as soon as possible.

Mr. B. soon returned, extremely pleased with himself. He showed everyone his brand new driver licence which allowed him to drive for another five years. "Another lifetime," groaned Fredcat, "and more horrible trips to the v*t's office; is there to be no escape?" But he had already cheered up on hearing that Cathie wouldn't not be away for too much longer. He just wished she would hurry up and come home!

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Tuesday, November 1st 2005 (number 663)

Robotic Fredcat? No! Large image

"My best human friend, Cathie, is still not here," thought Fredcat, "Although I can't really say that I have been ill-treated by Mr. B." He wandered towards his food bowls. "All full of nice, new, crunchy biscuits, plenty of fresh water in the drinking bowl (even though I much prefer the water from Cathie's drinking cup upstairs and the outside rain water puddles.)"

"Here's my bowl of freshly opened wet cat food - this is my special food that Cathie ordered from the v*t's office. It's all very neat and tidy and I can't deny that Mr. B. has done a good job; indeed, it's all very efficient. But..." and here Fredcat stamped his front paws down hard upon the kitchen floor, "It's just not the same when Cathie isn't here."

He turned to find Mr. B. watching him, gravely. The Grumpy One was in an unusually gentle frame of mind and he swooped down and plucked the Famous One from the floor. They sat down together on the big settee and Mr. B. explained, "It'll be alright Fredcat, Cathie is undergoing some tests whilst she's in the ICU and she goes down to the MRI to be scanned shortly. They've managed to improve her condition no end but she is still poorly. They have an excellent team of nursing staff and some very competent doctors and they will soon root out the cause of Cathie's malady, I'm sure of that." He stroked Fredcat's back and Fredcat arched in pleasure.

"I suppose it's just like the time I was inspecting the VSH hospital," mewsed Fredcat, "Nobody there seemed to know exactly what was wrong with me at first, but here I am and I'm as well as ever."

"That's the spirit!" smiled Mr. B., "The last thing Cathie will want to see when she gets home is a miserable face on her favourite feline. Remember, you're not a robotic cat, so go to it, eat up, drink lots, get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and I guarantee she'll be very pleased indeed to see you when she returns." Mr. B. was so persuasive that Fredcat almost ran to his food bowls and was soon munching away, all in the interest of ensuring a speedy return home for his best human friend, Cathie - of course!

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