Welcome to Fredcat's diary - and checkout his tails later!

Wednesday, November 29^th 2006 (number 881)

Intrepid Fredcat?? Large image

"I've been thinking about this for a while, and I've finally made my mind up - when Christmas and New Year are over, I'm planning to circumnavigate the globe," stated Fredcat firmly, giving his famous ginger and white fur coat a brisk spot of grooming. "I'll need plenty of supplies, of course - dozens of packets of cat food and several bags of biscuits; no problem about water (I should be able to come across plenty of puddles en route) and there are a lot of streams on the planet if you know where to look." He sounded quite determined yet Mr. B. was distinctly unimpressed.

"For how long will you be away?" asked the Grumpy One, "and how are you planning to carry all these supplies? And what happens when you run out of food? And how will you cross the oceans? And how will you deal with all the cool creatures you'll come across? Especially rabid d*gs!" Mr. B. was thoroughly enjoying himself until he realised that by placing practical objections in Fredcat's way he might be encouraging the Mighty One to stay put in the Fredcat residence which was far from the former's intention. "On the other hand you'll see much more of the world than if you simply stayed here, sleeping all day," he added, rather lamely.

Fredcat wavered, "I'm sure it won't be that bad, there'll be lots of good friendly folk out there who'll give me lots of encouragement; I'd be like Dick Whittington's cat, full of adventure, doing his bit for his master in the big wide world!" He strutted about for a bit doing a passable imitation of a cat-in-boots, spoilt only by the slight limp he'd developed in the last year.

Mr. B. sighed and felt a pang of remorse. "Look here, little one," he said gently (using a tone of voice which always made the Mighty One wary), "I think you need to reconsider your plan. January is traditionally a very cold month here in the US to embark on a world tour." Then he played his trump card. "Besides, what would your best human friend, Cathie, think of it all? She really looks forward to seeing you and chatting to you when she comes home from work each day. She talks so much! She'd quite upset if you weren't here for any length of time. And ... I heard on the grapevine that some kind stranger is planning to send us a very nice gift-o-meat in a few weeks, Fredcat. I'd thought of keeping it safely until the New Year when our traditional roast turkey has been well and truly eaten. You wouldn't want to miss the Christmas turkey and the gift-o-meat, would you?"

Fredcat wavered again and decided to be tactful. "Going on a world trip is probably all right for some of my scattier feline friends," he agreed, visions of a giant-sized bowl of turkey dancing in his mind, "and it certainly wouldn't be fair to Cathie to deprive her of my company - not after all she's done for me over the last five years. On reflection, therefore, I will stay here and keep you both company. I know that that will make you feel very happy." He pawsed, "Perhaps you could cement this decision by tossing out something nice from the fridge? Something like that cold ham you've been saving for your supper sandwich this evening." Mr. B. sighed one last time. Why did he always say the wrong thing? He'd missed his chance once again ...

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Monday, November 27^th 2006 (number 880)

Exploratory Fredcat!! Large image

"This is so great!" said Fredcat, leaping without a pawse into the box of Christmas decorations. "See, I'm able to leap about just like I did when I was a young kitten," he exclaimed gleefully. He thrashed about a bit, as was his wont, and finally curled up in a tight ball with his head resting comfortably on a pile of soft tissue. "It's OK to call me when it's time for my next main meal," he said sleepily. But his stay in the tinsel box was short-lived. His eyes opened wide as Mr. B. opened a very large box containing an artificial Christmas tree and began the laborious task of assembling it in the living room. "Now this looks interesting," thought the Mighty One, and leapt onto the nearest easy chair from where he watched until the tree was finally put together and dressed with all sorts of colourful Christmas baubles.

When Mr. B. had finished he slapped his hands contentedly and went upstairs to inform Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, that the tree was ready. The two came downstairs a minute later and looked in alarm at Fredcat. The Famous One was standing, poised, carefully calculating the distance between the floor and the upper branches of the tree. "Stop that right now!" yelled Cathie, and Fredcat sighed. Bang went that bright idea! He was convinced that he could easily reach the topmost branches of this tree, decorations or no decorations. He remembered when he was slightly younger, roaming anywhere and everywhere, easily climbing the tree in the garden of his UK residence and slipping through the small window into the bedroom.

"Cats look good in trees - and I could easily climb that Christmas tree," he said, indignantly, but Mr. B. shook his head, "You've never shown an interest in climbing Christmas trees before," he remarked, "Those baubles are very dangerous if you break them, Fredcat - and they could cut you badly. You've never bothered with them before, even though the lowest decorations almost touch the floor. So what's so special, this year?"

"You don't understand," said Fredcat, "With this new painkilling medication I'm taking, I'm feeling so much better; I'm sure I can do anything just like when I was really youthful. And the undersides of that tree cover a nice area and a decent little nest for me. Just look at it!" Cathie shook her head sympathetically.

"Sotty, Fredcat, but that's just an illusion," she said, "Even Mr. B. has to take it easy nowadays. That's why he likes to watch ball games on the big TV - so that he can pretend he still has skills on the sports field. But time passes and we all get a teeny bit older and have to forgo some pleasures. So, my boy, the bottom line is we'd rather you knocked your tree climbing ideas on the head and just enjoyed looking at the tree. Go out of the front door and see the outside lights on at our neighbours' homes - and at our lights too! They look ever so pretty." And she swept the Mighty One up, grimacing a little as she did so, she could swear he was still losing weight. Cheer up, Cathie, the important thing is that the Famous One is here and he's content. Happy Fredcat!

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Friday, November 24^th 2006 (number 879)

Expanding Waistline Fredcat!! Large image

Fredcat had been restless all day. He kept rushing to the front door and peering out as if expecting someone to call. His best human friend, Cathie, was puzzled by this and finally cornered him and dragged the reason from the Mighty One. "I'm waiting for the bear to arrive, Cathie," he said, "It seems to be the done thing to have a bear to Thanksgiving dinner, to share the turkey and all the trimmings. I must admit that I was a tad surprised when I heard about the bear, but I'm surprised by a lot of things in America, so what do I know?"

"A bear?!" yelled Mr. B., "One doesn't invite bears to a Thanksgiving dinner, that's a crazy idea!" But Fredcat was insistent, he assured the Grumpy One that it had been done. Nevertheless he was disappointed when the ursine guest failed to materialise, even though both Cathie and Mr. B. were relieved. "Why don't you invite your own kith and kin - or even your own companions - to dinner?" suggested Mr. B., "Cathie's bear is always up for anything involving merrymaking."

Later, while all were enjoying a post-prandial rest, Cathie nudged the Famous One awake. "You've received another Happy Thanksgiving message, Fredcat, this time from Sharon Y," she said, "It's so pleasing that these busy people take the time to send you greetings. You'll have to take time over the holiday period to write back and say Thank You to your friends. You must show them that you've been brought up, not dragged up." Fredcat privately thought that Cathie was sounding too much like his own mother rather than a best human friend but he let that pass. She was, after all, very good to him.

"Did you notice that I was able to eat more than my fair share of food at this Thanksgiving dinner?" asked Fredcat. "It happened by chance really. I was coughing quite a lot and suddenly, on Thursday morning, up came a huge hairball! It was four inches long," he announced, proudly, seemingly unaware that this was not what Cathie really wanted to hear. "I felt much better afterwards. I'm not sure if I've had such a thing before but it certainly stopped my coughing and barking during the day.

"Let's move on," said Cathie, hurriedly, "I think it's time you said something nice to your faithful readers. Something like, Thank you all for reading my famous diary, looking at my wonderful feline photographs and all the rest."

Fredcat agreed, "It's we felines that make the world go 'round, you know - so Happy Thanksgiving to all!"

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Wednesday, November 22^nd 2006 (number 878)

Thanksgiving Fredcat!! Large image

Fredcat was extremely excited. A turkey, specially bought by Mr. B. for Thanksgiving, was slowly defrosting on a platter high up in the kitchen (well away from leaping felines), and the smells wafting down from it were exciting the Famous One, no end. From past experience Fredcat knew that it took time for the turkey to completely defrost and to be cooked, but that was OK - he was patience personified when turkey was involved. He also knew that all he had to do was keep himself safe for the next day or so and turkey, turkey, turkey would be his. Everything comes to he who waits ...

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was in a good mood, too. Today, Wednesday was her last day at work before the Thanksgiving weekend and holiday and although she enjoyed her work, she couldn't wait to get home to start the holiday. "There are many humans who travel miles to get home to see their loved ones," she said, "and I will be flying home, post haste, to spend as much time as possible with you, my small red and white Fredcat." She swept Fredcat up in her arms and gave him a l-o-o-o-n-g cuddle.

"You've received a very nice email from Dana of LA, Fredcat," Cathie continued, "She's written some very nice things about you and your famous Diary; you must be very happy to have such a good friend." She re-read it to the Mighty One and asked Mr. B. to post it on the Famous One's Guestbook page. "I think it's very decent of you to take time off from all this spying and saving humans to write your Diary," she added. She smiled because she'd had some nice words addressed to her but she forbore mentioning that fact to a certain feline for fear of spoiling his feelings of famosity.

"I like it when you don't have to go to work, Cathie," said Fredcat, "Why can't you stay home all the time? Mr. B. is sort of alright but he rarely picks me up and talks to me. He spends an inordinate amount of his time on the telephone or watching ball games on the big TV. I'd much rather he go out to work and you stay at home." Cathie's eyes blinked as she heard this and she held the Mighty One tight.

"Don't worry about that, Little One," she said, "I'll be here for all of the four day weekend, so we can spend lots and lots of time together. I'll even help you choose a Christmas present for you (provided you don't spend all my money!) What gift would you like?" But answer came there none. Fredcat had fallen asleep in her arms, drifting off as he thought of the lovely turkey, turkey, turkey dinner to come.

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Monday, November 20^th 2006 (number 877)

Unusual Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat sighed despairingly. His best human friend, Cathie, had just announced that she was taking him to the v*t's office again. "Again!" he'd exclaimed, but it to no avail. Cathie explained that sometimes, when a famous feline such as he had been prescribed medication it was politic to have a check-up visit to make sure that all was well. Humans did this all the time, she head explained and Fredcat had to be content with that. "OK, so my weight is down a little, I'll give you that," agreed Fredcat, but on arrival back at the Fredcat residence the Mighty One soon made amends and Mr. B. was kept busy filling and refilling the food bowls. Fredcat had no intention of suffering from lack of nourishment at this stage of his "five year old" life.

Actually Fredcat was very pleased with himself. He was sure that he was over the worst of his recent medical problems. He knew that being happy was one reason he had fewer illnesses than the Grumpy One and that made him feel very superior. He went out of his way to tell Cathie about this but, for once, she was irked to hear him boasting.

"There are all sorts of unusual facts that you know nothing about, Fredcat," sniffed Mr. B., joining the conversation, "It's no use you quoting one fact above all others - especially if it only has some meagre scientific basis to support it. You'd be better off doing a spot more reading and analysis, instead of sitting there gloating smugly. You may even qualify for an award as one of the bottom 10 cats of all time, if you don't buck your ideas up," he jibed.

This latter comment annoyed Fredcat no end, especially as it contained more than a glimmer of truth. "I'll have you know I'm famous," he puffed indignantly; "Famous felines have a life that's special." He continued in this vein for a few more minutes until Mr. B. got fed up and went back to the study. Fredcat didn't notice his departure until he remembered one fact that even Mr. B. couldn't argue with.

"Do you realise that my name is the most popular male name given by humans to their cars," he said smugly, "Think of it! Every time one of these owners talks about their cars they are calling out my name! It makes sense though - people love their cars and people love me, so it's only natural that they'd call their cars after me."

Mr. B had to concede the point about male names given to cars but, in truth, he forgave the Mighty One his boasting altogether as the Grumpy One's hometown team had just beaten their fiercest rivals in a derby game and, as all males know, that for a time at least, was the most important thing in the world, with everything else paling into insignificance by comparison. Men!

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Friday, November 17^th 2006 (number 876)

Secretive Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was acting in a very mysterious fashion. He kept hiding in unusual places in the Fredcat residence trying to creep up behind his best human friend, Cathie, without her noticing (even though when he was creeping in his stealthiest manner, he'd make a noise or be distracted and invariably gave himself away). "Fredcat, you just don't realise that human females have remarkable peripheral vision, which, coupled with an amazing sixth sense born out of long practice of looking after children, enables us to know when something's up. That means that your attempts to sneak up on me unobserved will always fail," she said, smugly, "Now if you were to try it out on Mr. B. you could probably walk into the study room dressed from head to paws as a one man band - and he wouldn't notice; he gets so absorbed in what he's doing." She gave a wry smile.

"One man band? I beg your pardon, but I'm actually practicing my role for the new James Bond movie," replied the Famous One, stiffly, "I once auditioned for the part of Blofeld's cat for a Bond film but I refused to cover my famous ginger markings just for a film so that was that." He gave the largest ginger part of his famous fur a desultory spot of grooming but, in truth, he was (as usual) beautifully turned out - despite his creepings about.

"Did you know that I have close links to MI5 and MI6?" he added, "I reckon that I would make a better spy than a villainous cohort. Mr. B. could be my stooge, taking me to all he right places and letting me get on with all the essential sleuthing, bravery and derring-do." Cathie sighed, she knew that once Fredcat's imagination moved into high gear, whole days could pass unnoticed ...

"Come, come, Fredcat, you'd have to have some special skills to be a spy," said Cathie, "You must be daring, brave, fearless, imaginative and have very quick and skilful reflexes. She looked at Fredcat and sighed again. "I'm not sure how walking with a slight limp fits into that skillset."

"Of course it does," snorted the Mighty One, "It's all part of my cunningicity. My wondrous doings are recounted on my intawebs and now that Mr. B. has made it possible to see my website in all its glory in the latest versions of Internet Explorer, Firefox and Netscape; all the world will soon know of my spying abilities." And having said that, he snuck off to track down his food bowls. He'd track them up hill and down dale if needs be, but he really hoped they were where he'd last seen them.

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Wednesday, November 15^th 2006 (number 875)

Acoustical Fredcat! Large image

On Monday Mr. B. readied the duster and polishing materials and started his routine weekly cleaning. This was invariably a sign for Fredcat to be ever alert and watchful. The Mighty One didn't mind the swishing of water or the sound of Mr. B.'s moving around the Fredcat residence but as soon as the vacuum cleaner got going, well, that was it. He later complained bitterly to his best human friend, Cathie, that humans don't appreciate how the excessive noise they sometimes make seriously discomforts their felines.

"Even though I've reached the magical age of FIVE and am so understanding and mature, I cannot stand the sound of that vacuum cleaner," he said through gritted teeth (interspersed with gaps), "My ears are sensitive organs and you might just as well stick needles into me for hours on end, it hurts that much." Cathie promised to ask Mr. B. to be more careful in future, and to also especially tell him not to chase Fredcat down the hall whilst vacuuming. (He wouldn't do that, surely?)

"Of course, my sight is nowhere near as impressive as my hearing," Fredcat continued, "With such acute hearing at my disposal there's little merit in having excellent vision as well. Some humans are afflicted with something called colour blindness, you know. Here's how someone with one type of colour blindness would see my famous Diary, and here's how someone with another type of colour blindness would see it. Very intriguing, isn't it?"

"It's totally confusing," said Mr. B., somewhat puzzled by it all, "But come on, Fredcat, we have some paperwork to do upstairs. I'll bring the day's mail and you can open it for me and we'll quickly deal with it." But Fredcat wasn't fooled. He knew Mr. B. had his own patented letter opener on his desk and getting Fredcat to do routine work for him was simply a sign of human laziness.

"You must think I'm rather simple," said Fredcat, with a toss of his famous ginger and white head, "I may be a little arthritic here and there, but I'm fully compos mentis, you know," And saying that he wandered downstairs to cuddle up on Cathie's lap while she told him about the forthcoming attractions of Thanksgiving and turkey dinners.

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Monday, November 13^th 2006 (number 874)

Sunsetter Fredcat! Large image

Snatches of ♫ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOO-OOOOO-OOO! ♫ floated upstairs in the Fredcat residence and the Mighty One's heart leapt in his chest. Was it really his turn to be fussed over again? He preened himself and, when completely satisfied with his grand appearance, strolled downstairs with a sangfroid that would have graced a so-called celebrity. As it turned out, it was a good job he was so laid back, because Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie was the one practising the Happy Birthday song, ready to sing it to someone not a million miles away. Someone was not Fredcat. Fredcat's little orange and white face fell.

He recovered quickly and joined in the last chorus with a small reedy voice then trotted rapidly in the direction of his feeding bowls. These humans were always singing to themselves, why had he thought that the Happy Birthday song was intended for him? He sighed at the irony of it all and thought of forthcoming holidays instead. Thanksgiving would be here soon and then he would have extra days to enjoy Cathie, pretty much all to himself.

He turned his attention to informing all those present of his latest success. "I've just won the British RPS Championship!" he declared, apropos of nothing, "As you know RPS is this game whereby you have to choose between making a rock shape, a flat paper shape or a scissors shape with one's paw. It was a tad awkward at first but I soon got the hang of it."

In answer to a silent question from Cathie's arched eyebrows he continued, "Of course, I didn't have to travel to the event, as such, but I won anyway." In answer to another unspoken question posed by Cathie's eyebrows he added, "I know I won because I watched all the contestants and was able to work out my strategy to beat them all. They did their stuff on TV and because of my amazing reflexes I was able to beat them all comfortably. I didn't even need to get out of my big box Christmas bed to do it; the whole thing was simplicity itself."

"And now I need someone to go shopping sooner rather than later," he explained, "Someone has to order a large gold medal to hang around my neck to show the world my undeniable success in this august endeavour."

Mr. B. looked at him incredulously. "No, my friend, you do not deserve a medal, gold or otherwise. I don't think you won it at all. This is just another of your made-up "tails", I'll bet. A far better thing for you to do would be to go upstairs and watch this evening's beautiful sunset - and get a move on, it's started."

Well as you can imagine, Dear Reader, that did it. Before Mr. B. knew what was happening he was in the kitchen preparing dinner whilst Cathie and the Famous One were stood gazing out of the window, singing away - and it wasn't ♫ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOO-OOOOO-OOO! ♫

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Friday, November 10^th 2006 (number 873)

Abandoned Fredcat! Large image

"My doorstep Hallowe'en friends have gone - vanished, disappeared somewhere dark!" Fredcat was sure of it. "How come these people arrive at just the right time and then take off without so much as a by-your-leave?" he muttered, "I just don't get it. I mean - look at the weather today, full-on sunshine! It encouraged me to set off on an enjoyable stroll around my residence but ... the friendly Hallowe'en folk aren't here to help me enjoy it." Fredcat sighed, it was all a part of some subtle plan by Mr. B., of that he was quite sure.

"Well, Fredcat, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, seasons change, and we're now fast approaching two other festivals," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "Soon it will be Thanksgiving and, a month later, Christmas again and the shops will soon be full of Christmas goodies. Remember last year Mr. B. made you that smashing big box Christmas bed which you've grown very fond of recently."

But Fredcat wasn't to be fobbed off so easily (unless grub was being offered, of course). "Never mind Christmas - has the new US Congress made any new laws affecting we felines yet?" he demanded, "It rankles that I wasn't permitted to vote, and I'm pretty sure some governments are plotting all sorts of hasty ill-thought-out constrictions for we felines." He chunnered on a bit, as was his wont.

Cathie laughed and said, "Your little world already more than meets the criteria laid out on in those hasty ill-thought-out constrictions, my friend - you have more beds than I can count, as well as several litter trays (maintenance of which keeps Mr. B. busy). I think you have the complete lifestyle which those hasty ill-thought-out constrictions seem to be aiming for - and with bells on! Now, as we were talking of Christmas earlier, come here and help me - I have to start thinking of buying some Christmas presents. How about an iPod? Hmmm ... actually, that might do for me." She chuckled. Cathie had been enslaved by enough electronic devices to know that she wanted no more.

"I need to put on my thinking cap as well," said Fredcat, "and make a list of all the things I'd like for Christmas. As I've no money of my own I can't actually buy you humans anything so Christmas gift traffic will be all one-way again, this year." He smiled at the thought. Then he pawsed and sniffed the air appreciatively. "Mr. B. is cooking lamb chops, I'd know that smell anywhere!" and with a slightly limping leap he was off, all thoughts of presents gone as he headed straight for the kitchen and the scent of freshly cooked lamb. Bliss!

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Wednesday, November 8^th 2006 (number 872)

Disenfranchised Fredcat! Large image

"It's simply excuse after excuse," said Fredcat darkly, "I know you humans are up to no good. You're supposed to be my best human friend, Cathie," he said, even more darkly, "so why don't you tell me who you voted for? I know the Grumpy One won't tell me anything, so it's no use my even asking him. But I have a right to know; this is a country where it's all open government and I want to know how this affects me." He continued glowering until Cathie, with a sigh of pity, picked him up and gave him a soothing cuddle. "Look, my little one," she said, "It's obvious you have deep feelings about all this but you mustn't let your emotions run away with you. A lot of what politicians blather on about isn't actually carried out when they come to power, you know; common sense usually prevails." She hugged him a bit more.

What Cathie had said made sense, thought the Mighty One, as he purred in her arms. It was very comforting to have her around; what she said made sense. "Who do you think changes the world more," he asked suddenly, "Politicians - or scientists discovering things? On the big TV all the politicians keep saying that they are going to change the world (!) but they usually end up mucking things up. I mean, scientists discovered X-rays over a hundred years ago today - that affected an awful lot of us. Even I've been X-rayed! Now that's what I call a change - and not a single politician was involved in it!" He smiled contentedly.

"Hang on a mo', Fredcat, X-rays were around a long time before scientists discovered them," argued Cathie, "But enough of this talk, let's have some fun," and she whooshed Fredcat upstairs to see Mr. B. who was worriedly fiddling with Fredcat's PC. The screen on the monitor was black and unresponsive and Mr. B.'s face was frozen in despair. "It wasn't me who did this," he wailed, "It's been like this ever since I came up here a few moments ago."

Cathie leaned over, switched the monitor on and watched as the screen burst into life. "You've been trying to save energy recently by switching both the PC and monitor off at night and it looks as if you just didn't push the monitor's "On" button on properly." Mr. B.'s face was a sight for sore eyes as he realised his error. Fredcat and Cathie burst into howls of merriment; they could not be stopped, and they laughed so hard that even Mr. B. found himself joining in.

"Humans can be very amusing," said Cathie, stopping laughing at last, "Felines, too, can do some interesting things. But now, if you don't mind, Fredcat, I'm going to take you downstairs now so that you can be closer to your favourite foods. Mr. B. and I will come down with you and watch the big TV to see who's won and lost the elections." Now that was a very good idea, thought Fredcat. Food was always a good idea!

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Monday, November 6^th 2006 (number 871)

Agitated Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was pretty annoyed - and he wasted no time showing it. "I've received an e-mail from one of my special readers - but I'm not allowed to read it," he stormed, "I see no reason why I cannot read my own mail, I will NOT be censored." His famous ginger and white tail flicked to and fro but, alas, such emoting was in vain. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was unmoved. "There are some things that felines and humans have to keep from each other," she said, "For example, I've never enquired where you go of an evening when you're out on the tiles, nor do I want to know about any, shall we say, "liaisons" you may have had in the past. Privacy, Fredcat, it's called privacy."

She looked at Fredcat's cross little orange and white face and relented a touch. "I'll tell you why we kept it a secret, Fredcat. Your faithful reader, Susan L., invited us to a smashing Bonfire Night celebration and we didn't want you to be frightened - we knew that there would be lots of loud bangs and even more fireworks. As it turned out, we were quite unable to attend anyway because Mr. B.'s bright idea of upgrading the browser we use to prepare your famous Diary caused shedloads of grief - all the words in your famous Diary suddenly turned from easily readable black to almost invisible pale pink!!! It made your Diary virtually impossible to read. It took the Grumpy One ages to fix it."

"I'm glad to hear it," said Fredcat, sourly, "Are you sure that he won't be fiddling around with something else and mess that up as well? It's always disturbing to hear bad news - even when one's hearing that it's all been fixed behind one's back. It shouldn't have gone wrong in the first place." It seemed that nothing was going right for Fredcat. "Is there anything else I should know about?" he grumbled.

"Nothing at the moment," said Cathie, crossing her fingers. "Of course there are US mid-term elections tomorrow, but that's nothing to do with you either. Here we have to elect a sheriff - and some judges. It's very peculiar, one elects a sheriff and a judge and then a few years later he or she is out on their ear; I can't imagine a Chief Constable in the UK getting the boot on the whim of voters like that."

"But I want to vote!" complained Fredcat, "These people make laws that affect me and all felines and even, erm, d*gs; like laws that might require us to have a leash on when we're outside!" But Cathie wasn't listening, she was opening a new tin of meaty cat food and Fredcat's interest in elections waned in an instant. They say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and Cathie was demonstrating that the same thing applied to feline cardiology as well!

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Friday, November 3^rd 2006 (number 870)

Pyrotechnic Fredcat? No, thanks! Large image

"These are frightening times," declared Fredcat to no one in particular, shaking his whiskers, "We've only just finished with Hallowe'en and now we have the fireworks and bonfires of November 5th's Bonfire Night to contend with." He looked appealingly at Mr. B. "Make them go away; I really don't like loud noises or very bright lights." He looked upset. For once Mr. B. was in a patient mood. "Come, come, Fredcat," he said, "no need to worry; Guy Fawke's Night is celebrated only in England, you won't see it here in North Carolina. We had a few fireworks at the end of the evening's entertainment at the State Fair recently, but they were harmless and didn't affect us at all." For once his words reassured the Mighty One.

"Why am I always hungry?" enquired Fredcat, suddenly changing the subject, "We've not run out of my favourite grub, have we?" Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, grinned at him and silently asked herself the same question. When Mr. B (who seemed to do most of the shopping) showed her the weekly food bill for the Mighty One, she usually dismissed it with a wave of her hand, but recently Fredcat had become a lot fussier in his eating habits and this had been reflected in the food bill.

"I know you like to eat well," said Cathie, "and I know that after all your recent upsets you're aching to return to your fighting weight; but you need to get out more and stay fit as well. Can't you get Mr. B. to take you for additional walks when I'm at work? I don't want you to get too tubby, you know. It's not good for you."

Fredcat was a tad upset to hear this. "Me tubby?! You should see Mr. B. eating all those Hallowe'en chocolates, they're not good for him, he should eat more healthily! Get him to cook some grilled sausages." That was an excellent idea, thought Cathie, as she saw the Mighty One's eyes glazing over at the very thought, he loved freshly cooked sausages sizzling in the pan - as indeed did Cathie.

"Anyway I'm off upstairs to help Mr. B. surf the intawebs," pronounced the Famous One, "Do you realise that there are now over 100,000,000 websites on my intawebs? And the number is growing daily. That has to be down to me and my excellent Diary, you know. I have many faithful readers visiting it each day - and now I need to get Mr. B. to write some Thank You e-mails." And off he trotted, his arthritis temporarily forgotten as he slipped upstairs. He was in fine spirits. Happy Fredcat!

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Wednesday, November 1^th 2006 (number 869)

Hallowe'en Fredcat! Large image

"I had cobs of fun last night!" declared Fredcat to no one in particular, "We had loads of visitors for Hallowe'en, all dressed in such a variety of costumes that I can hardly remember them all. They all said "Trick-or-Treat," and Mr. B. always replied, "Treat" - because he was very frightened of them." He looked at Mr. B. who was quivering indignantly. "I was not frightened," retorted a hurt Mr. B., "But if you opened your front door to see not one, not two, not three, not four, but five witches standing there, looking menacing, not to mention a vampire, you'd be pretty scared - and with it nearly being full moon and all. Now stop criticising me. You're lucky we didn't dress you up for Hallowe'en - quite a few people did dress up their felines, you know!"

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, stepped in hurriedly and told the Mighty One that he'd received a number of Hallowe'en messages from some of his faithful readers. "First up was one from the Fur Gang and the Tower Hill Mob. Not to mention your faithful friend, JdeF from England - he's always so thoughtful. That's so kind of everyone," she said.

"They must have sent me messages over my intawebs", said Fredcat, proudly, "The more I learn about that system the more I like it. I've made certain that Mr. B. has placed these messages in my Guestbook, of course. It would be terrible if they were to be lost!"

Mr. B. snorted, "I'm surprised that anyone ever sends you any nice messages, you're forever putting on such a superior air and a haughty manner." Clearly Mr. B. was feeling a tad jealous. He looked at the large bowl of chocolates he'd had been persuaded to hand out to the Trick-or-Treaters and helped himself to some more. "We saw some tremendous costumes this evening, Fredcat," he said, "Apart from that coven of witches there was a Darth Vader, a Grim Reaper's assistant, a Ranger, a cowgirl and Cleopatra. There were sportsmen galore - and a surgeon. There were also two callers costumed as a dining table and diner! That was very inventive, I thought. Oh, yes, and there was also an old man and a Dragon Master."

"Don't forget the cat!" said Fredcat, with a pleased expression, "That particular Trick-or-Treater knew where I lived and she was very well made up to look scary - to look just like me." Cathie looked at him, smiling.

Suddenly they both looked across at Mr. B. who was standing still, clutching his middle. "I think I may have indulged myself with a chocolate or three whilst waiting for the Trick-or-Treaters to arrive," he said. Cathie looked at the now empty bowl and worked out that he'd probably consumed over a pound weight of chocolates.

"That's all your fault!" she said, "If you'd given out more chocolates to our visitors and eaten less of them yourself you'd be far better off. I think you'd better have an early night. I'm sure you'll be better in the morning." And Cathie and her Fredcat looked at each other with secret smiles. Mr. B would never learn about eating chocolates, would he?

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