Saturday, December 31st 2005 (number 712)

Moonwalking Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat looked out of the door of his famous residence at the quiet world outside. All was still. His recent visitor had now departed and Fredcat's thoughts turned to all those other visitors he'd had on his famous weblog. He asked Mr. B., "How many visits have there been?" The answer came back, "Oh, something over a hundred and sixty thousand by now. I must say it's getting to be difficult to keep track of all of them, you're so uniquely famous," said Mr. B., "And I'm not in the least bit jealous." Fredcat looked at Mr. B. and thought, rather smugly, that humans who went out of their way to say they were not jealous were usually just that, but he let it pass.

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, came to the door and said, "The moon is very bright tonight, I wonder when the next moon landing will take place? I do like to see images of astronaughts noon-walking. This bird is an amazing moon-walker, too! And extremely amusing, to boot. I wonder if NASA will sanction another lunar expedition soon? I love to see the space rockets soar into the sky."

"I think it's the US government who sanctions those missions," said Mr. B., "And it's usually a question of money - or lack of it."

Fredcat frowned and said slowly, "But what if the President isn't around to sign all documents necessary to authorise a space mission? I mean, I know that if the Grumpy One isn't around here then Cathie gaily signs for all sorts." Cathie's cheeks began to redden slightly at this remark, while Mr. B. looked on, a tad puzzled.

Cathie quickly tried to change the subject, saying, "Don't you worry about the President of the US, Fredcat - if he were not around then someone else, next in line, would sign for him, and so on, and so on, so have no fear."

But Fredcat was not satisfied with that in the least. "What if all the bigwigs were unable to sign the relevant documents? Supposing they'd all gone to a big New Year's party somewhere and got snowed in! Who would step up to the plate?" (Fredcat had recently learned of this expression and was determined to use it at the first available opportunity). "I mean there's a proper succession in the Royal line in Britain, and there's another one for the US government but I think it needs to be extended. I am therefore going to put my name down as a possible candidate, (number 5,316 at the last count)."

On examining the Order of Succession list a little later Fredcat was (to say the least) surprised to find that he'd been debarred from becoming President, as he wasn't a US citizen. "An administrative error," he said airily, "I'm sure to be accepted sometime in 2006, and then I'll be able to take control of the whole world, when needed - after all I'm already a Unofficial State Feline."

"You're acting very strangely, my little friend," said Cathie, "have you been over-eating again? Too much sugar isn't good for anyone, you know - and Mr. B.'s huge cache of Christmas chocolate is just stuffed with sugar," said Cathie grimly. "I think you should finish your dictation today by wishing all your loyal visitors a Happy New Year and come with me to remake your new big box Christmas bed and get settled for a good night's rest. Tomorrow it will be 2006 and you don't want to miss that."

Frecat looked at Cathie strangely and was about to ask how he could possibly miss the inevitable but then decided to play nice and drop the matter. He also unilaterally decided to offer Cathie and the Grumpy One an extra day off as it was the New Year.

So, Dear Readers and Kind Visitors, a Happy New Year from Fredcat the Famous and his best human friend, Cathie - and the Grumpy One. Fredcat's Famous Diary will return on Tuesday January 3 2006

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Friday, December 30th 2005 (number 711)

Residential Fredcat! Large image

Today was going to be a bit of a sad day for Fredcat; his visitor, David, was departing and Fredcat had started to help him pack. It was amazing just how many personal items were strewn around the Fredcat residence, needing to be brought together in one place and packed. There was a momentary flurry of dismay when it was discovered that all the items needing to be packed were too bulky to fit in David's travelling case - thank Heavens for Fredcat's prompt suggestion that the family explore the attic, where a spare (and much larger!) suitcase was discovered. "That's O.K.," said Fredcat modestly, "I remembered it was there when you allowed me to visit the attic many months ago. I told you I was really clever at remembering things (unlike some people) and there's your proof!"

Fortunately, to help soften the departure of his welcome guest, Mr. B. had cooked another turkey and had secreted a large part of it at the very back of the refrigerator where hungry human eyes couldn't easily find it. He good-naturedly chopped up some white meat and gave a heaped plateful to Fredcat to say thank you for his suitcase-related assistance.

While Fredcat was enjoying his treat of white meat, Mr. B. tackled the subject of the Famous One's sleeping arrangements, saying, "I understand that your best human friend, Cathie, has come to an agreement with you about my doing something about your new house and box bed, Fredcat. Well, surprise, surprise ... I've managed to squeeze the one into the other and now I need you to get inside so I can take a good photograph of you." Somewhat surprisingly, Fredcat agreed and scooted downstairs whilst Mr. B. charged up his camera. When he walked in the room where the new Fredcat residence was located, he found the Mighty One fast asleep!

Cathie saw what had happened and noted that the new Fredcat residence was mainly one large bedroom and advised Mr. B. that sleeping was what Fredcat did best. She warned the Grumpy One not to disturb him, as Fredcat had fulfilled his promise to be photographed so that one and all could see him in his new residence - even though all one could see of the Mighty One was a bit of ginger and white fur. "Perhaps one day we'll get a photograph of him in there when he is wide awake," she said.

"I wish I could go to sleep as quickly as Fredcat," muttered Mr. B., "But, more importantly, I wish he slept in later in the mornings when I want to lie in." But Cathie would hear none of it, saying, "Listen, if you'd just been given a wonderful Christmas present such as Fredcat's new residence, wouldn't you, too, want to enjoy it to the fullest?" And with that, Mr. B. had to be content.

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Thursday, December 29th 2005 (number 710)

Abominable snowman Fredcat? No! Large image

The last thing on Fredcat's mind when he went to sleep at night was tomorrow's weather. For some reason Fredcat never seemed to understand that some days it rained and some days it didn't. It was the latter times that worried both him and Mr. B. The latter was unable to persuade Fredcat to venture out for his morning constitutional when it was damp, and the former made it plain, in no uncertain terms, that he expected Mr. B. to do something about it.

"Why don't you carry an umbrella?" asked Mr. B. but Fredcat merely looked at him in amazement. "Me? I think not! I would, however, willingly take a walk outside if you carried a decent sized brolly to protect me from the elements." Now it was the Grumpy One's turn to look amazed. Clearly a stalemate had been reached. Fredcat broke the silence. "What if it snowed?" he asked, suddenly, "I don't think I could take another stroll down snow-laden pathways, I'm sure I caught a nasty cold the last time we had snow around here."

"You are most unlikely to catch a cold just by being cold," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "You may feel a bit blue and miserable but you won't have caught a cold, so there!" She didn't explain this logic further but simply carried on, "If we have snow here this winter then you can make a giant snowman. Or, even better, a snow cat - with whiskers and a long tail. I'll lend you some kittening gloves to keep out the cold since snow itself is, by definition, always at sub-zero temperatures."

Fredcat looked at her and said somewhat stiffly, "I know that, I've been around in snow both here and in the UK and I just don't like the stuff. I'm very smart, you know, so smart that I've single handedly raised the average cleverness levels in the state of North Carolina just by living here with y'all." He grinned hugely at his own cleverness, displayiong a bit of a gap where his picking up tooth should be whilst Cathie looked on, amused.

"Being the Unofficial State Feline brings with it a level of famosity hard for humans to equal," he continued, "Look! Without my lifting a single one of my four excellent paws, I've being able to arrange for Mr. B. to provide me with both a brand new decorated feline Wendy House and a fully decorated big box Christmas bed. All I have to do now is smile sweetly and he'll put the one inside the other and I will have achieved what I've been after for months now: namely a brand new Fredcat residence within a Fredcat residence."

Fredcat smiled appealingly and jumped into Cathie's outstretched arms. "Will you ask Mr. B. to do that, please, Cathie, please, please, go on, please?" Cathie considered the question carefully and eventually said, "Fair enough, my friend, I'll do that - but you must in turn promise me to allow me to take a photograph of you in your new internal residence as soon as I load up my camera." And, in his turn, Fredcat nodded in agreement.

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Wednesday, December 28th 2005 (number 709)

Christmas turkey for Fredcat! Large image

When Christmas morning finally arrived, Fredcat was the first to be up and about. If nothing else he could smell the aroma of the large turkey which had been carefully defrosted and which was awaiting the ritual stuffing by the humans. He was a bit put out because his humans had not risen particularly early. They explained to him later that early rising on Christmas Day morn was due to excitable children seeking presents and, that after many years of early bird rising, his humans would be taking their time getting up and dressing on this Christmas morn because there was no pitter patter of tiny feet to force them from their well earned sleep.

Fredcat looked at his tiny feet and thought that all four of them should qualify on an exception basis but he accepted the delay; he knew that the humans were to going to prepare a turkey feast for lunch and he didn't want to upset the apple cart. But first - the presents! Among the collection acquired by the humans (they gave each other such silly gifts thought Fredcat, rarely anything edible, or at all meaty) stood a large package clearly marked with the name Fredcat the Famous, and signed in large letters by his best human friend, Cathie.

"As I'm famous I think I'm entitled to go first," Fredcat said, and proceeded, with the help of Cathie, to unwrap the parcel. Inside was a magnificent new feeding set, with silver bowls set on high on a little table. "This will mean that you don't have to stoop your little head so low to get at your daily meals," said Cathie. "There'll soon be some freshly cooked turkey meat to go in there for you," she added.

Fredcat smiled with anticipation. "Meanwhile, I will investigate the large box wrapped with coloured paper, it will serve me fine as a Wendy House for the time being." He soon settled inside and from there, watched the humans opening their own presents until it was time for lunch. When it came it was definitely worth waiting for. Mr. B., no longer wearing his famous grumpy smile, served him plate after plate of turkey meat. "Only white meat, thank you," said Fredcat, politely, as he knew that the humans (especially Cathie) were rather fond of white meat themselves and he needed to stake his claim early on.

Patrolling Captain Midnight! Large image

Later, whilst his meal was being digested, Cathie and Fredcat were mewsing over some recent events. "You know," said Fredcat, "I've been fortunate to have enjoyed the fruits of a nice long life, living as I do with you, my dear friend, Cathie." At this both Fredcat and Cathie sang out their inevitable mantra "Five Years Old - and never getting any older, Tra! La! La!" Fredcat continued, "But some of my good friends have not been so fortunate. I've just received a message that Captain Midnight has died following a painful illness and is being mourned by his best human friends. He lived until he was twelve years old, you know - which is much older than me."

Cathie gazed at Fredcat. The latter was wearing an expression which seemed to say, "I think that our life on earth may be shorter than I've imagined, although I try not to think about it." "Fredcat," she said, "Captain Midnight had clearly done his job with distinction, patrolling the residence of his best human friends, but now, well ... " Then Fredcat thought of other felines that had left this mortal coil. They had all been mourned by their best human - and feline - friends. He remembered his own mentor Forby and other feline friends too numerous to mention.

Cathie once again interrupted his thoughts, "I think you're a very sensitive as well as a famous cat," she said, "and that only makes me love you all the more." She instinctively gave him a huge hug and he snuggled down beside her. "I'm so glad that you're here. But I suppose that life must continue and we have to give thanks to all those felines that are still here to manage the residences, wherever they reside. Their humans are the really lucky ones."

Here they were interrupted by Mr. B. and David, who had been watching another of the endless ball games on the big TV. "We'd like a slice of the cold white turkey meat, if you please," they said, meekly, and for once Fredcat was in an obliging and indulgent mood. "Just save some for me and Cathie for tomorrow," he said and turned back and hugged Cathie closely. This was where he wanted to be.

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Saturday, December 24th 2005 (number 708)

Christmas celebrational Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat looked at his best human friend, Cathie, and said, "I think I'll let Mr. B. off from taking my dictation today. He'd been working so hard recently that I think he deserves a break." Cathie looked closely at Fredcat but couldn't detect irony in either his voice or his manner. "Are you quite sure you wouldn't rather have me take your dictation for a change?" asked Cathie. "In fact I type much more quickly than does Mr. B. It would be no trouble." But Fredcat wouldn't hear of it and continued staring at the Christmas tree in the living room.

"No, thank you," he finally said, "But I wouldn't mind you typing just a few words to all my faithful visitors - and the new ones that have arrived in recent weeks. My message is quite simple," and he cleared his throat.

"A Happy Christmas to everyone!" he said, and stopped.

"Is that it?" said Cathie, "You've had some very nice Christmas greetings from some of your visitors and to leave a rather stark message like that is a bit short of content, to say the least."

"What do you suggest?" said Fredcat, so Cathie cleared her throat (whiuch was a tad hoarse from too much warbling) and said, "How about: "Thank you to all my true and faithful readers who have given me so much pleasure over the last two and a half years and whose constant readings of my famous diary and associated guestbook entries make all this worthwhile. Remember, without a large readership and without visitors coming to read your diary, Fredcat, this blog, errr, sorry, magnificent website would be a total waste of everyone's time."

"OK, what you said - type that lot up," said Fredcat, beginning to think that he might have preferred to ask Mr. B. to do all this thank you stuff. Then Cathie started up again, "What about wishing your readers a Happy New Year as well?" But here Fredcat objected, saying, "I'll be starting up my diary again before the New Year. I'll have plenty of opportunity to make my New Year felicitations."

"I think that you, dear boy, are suffering from too much pre-Christmas excitement. I suggest that Mr. B. and I say what has to be said, so that you can go and have a lie down, Fredcat." Cathie cleared her throat and said,

Happy Christmas from Fredcat the Famous, Cathie and Mr. B. to all our visitors.
We'll be back on Wednesday 28th December!

And Fredcat agreed that that would be fine by him.

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Friday, December 23rd 2005 (number 707)

Personal security-conscious Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was worried. He'd carefully read the report of the kidnapping (birdnapping?) of the baby penguin and shuddered. What would happen if catnappers came after him? He shuddered again, a series of tremors that sent a ginger and white shimmer up and down his spine. He quickly sought out his best human friend, Cathie, and made his fears known. "I could be taken simply walking to the mailbox," he declared, "That would never do!"

"Hold on," said Cathie, " I thought that when you went to the mailbox it was always in the company of Mr. B. I've heard rumours that he frequently carries you all the way there and back in case your little feline legs gave out during the stroll." They both smiled at the picture of the Grumpy One carrying out his duty. "Don't you worry about your safety and security," she laughed, "You're so internationally famous that any wrongdoer wouldn't be able to come near you without alarming a large number of people, friends and family alike. You're as safe as houses and don't have to fear anything, my fine festive Christmas friend."

Nevertheless, Fredcat was still agitated and did his little dance on two pairs of paws. "I wish you'd keep still when you're making a complaint," said Cathie, "I find all this dancing very distracting." She pretended not to hear his muttered "No more than we males find your singing ..." and continued, "It will be alright, you'll see."

"But I want some heavies here to provide me with protection!" Fredcat arched his back and puffed up his ginger and white fur but he still looked rather tiny compared to a penguin. "With heavies around here I'd feel really safe, and you'd be able to go to work each day, knowing that I'd be here safe and sound, when you return."

"Look, Fredcat, you need to get over yourself - all right? There'll be no heavies around here. Why don't you sleep under the Christmas tree? I'll move your new best ever Christmas box bed there and you'll feel much safer; I'll even keep the Christmas tree lights on all night so any malcreants won't come in. Just be sure to let one particular stranger in though, won't you?!"

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Thursday, December 22nd 2005 (number 706)

Solstice winterland! Large image

Fredcat shivered and little pieces of ginger and white fur fluttered slowly to the floor. "I need that fur!" he cried, plaintively, "Last night was the longest and coldest of my entire life. I need a new duvet, or better still, a feline electric blanket. Any more nights like that and I'll wake up frozen stiff." He looked at the thermostat on the living room wall and was appalled to see that Mr. B.(Miserly Mr. B!) hadn't set it to heat up any part of the Fredcat residence at all.

"Actually," said Mr. B. "If you woke up frozen stiff you probably wouldn't be here at all and I'd have lots more money to buy nice warm things for myself. And if you're cold, you should do what I do - we humans don't have the luxury of lots of fur covering our entire bodies any more, so we wear warm clothes. Even though you have plenty of fur you could try adding to your wardrobe; lots of your friends are putting stuff on their bodies - and they survive."

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, frowned a bit at Mr. B.'s remarks but told Fredcat that yesterday was the winter solstice; the shortest day and therefore longest night of the year. "The weather will get better from now on, I assure you," she said. "Anyway, I don't care about the weather - I'm home from work now for the next twelve days." She beamed, but Fredcat was just as pleased. "This will be our very own special Twelve Days of Christmas!" he said, but stopped short in case Cathie started to sing again.

"The proper start of the Twelve Days of Christmas begins on December 25th of each year but we'll let that pass," said Mr. B. He'd begun to notice that everyone else was beginning to get fed up with his pedantic ways. He continued, "Today, Fredcat, when I was out buying petrol (gas?) a young lady at the petrol station asked me if the bumper sticker on my car was anything to do with you, oh Famous One. She'd seen your nice Fredcat the Famous stone in the front garden when driving past your famous residence!"

"I found myself giving her one of your famous business cards - though I can't say you're in much of a 'business'; it seems to be all money out and no money in!" Mr. B. continued grumbling for some time but Fredcat was as pleased as Punch, his famosity was obviously spreading the world over. "I've even had a visitor from Brazil asking for a bumper sticker" he mewsed, and hoped that it had arrived safely. Tonight he would go to bed and dream of longer - and warmer - days when the Yule cat was as famous as he!

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Wednesday, December 21st 2005 (number 705)

Traditonal Christmas Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat looked on in disgust as Mr. B. rolled out two cylindrical dollops of marzipan and formed it into a thin circular disc. With a slight heave he tossed it lightly onto the Christmas cake which was neatly set on a rotating cake stand, and patted the marzipan ends down to make it even all the way round. He stood back in satisfaction and said, "Well, Fredcat, now it needs only to be iced, and it will be done." He smacked his lips and seemed very pleased with himself.

"Are you trying to poison me or what?" said Fredcat, rather brusquely, "You know that I have an overwhelming preference for savoury items yet you persist in turning out plum puddings and Christmas cakes which are full of sugar and other sweet tasting ingredients. You know that sugary things aren't good for me - or you. Or for my best human friend, Cathie; being a diabetic is no fun, doncha know. And forget about making mince pies sprinkled with sugar on top - they're just as bad!"

Cathie came into room at that moment and sizing up the atmosphere, quickly turned the conversation around to another seasonal topic. "Do you remember the song, The twelve days of Christmas?," she said brightly. She sang a few lines ending with a strident "Five Golden Rings". Mr. B. and Fredcat looked at each other and in silent accord each thought that Cathie was using this opportunity to warble about the Rain in Spain again.

"I much prefer the alternative wording," said Fredcat, a tad crossly. "I'm sure the last bit goes Five Golden Freds, Four Colly Freds, Three Fredcat cats, Two Famous Freds, and a Fredcat up a fir tree." He grinned but nobody moved to congratulate him - or even smiled.

"Talking of singing ... d'you know that when you sing whilst you are coming towards me," said Fredcat to Cathie, "the pitch of your singing goes up but when you sing when walking away the pitch goes down? That's the Doppler effect. You try it," he invited. "Just walk into the kitchen and see how it works." Cathie, ever obliging, broke into a song as she walked away into the kitchen, and kept singing as she turned around and headed back into the living room, but .... when she came back both males had disappeared. How strange!

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Tuesday, December 20th 2005 (number 704)

Timetraveller Fredcat! Large image

"It's Tuesday already," said Fredcat, "and folks are beginning to stream in from all over the country to join their relatives for the Christmas celebrations. I'm sure that all those who come to visit me at my famous residence will bring me a gift of the highest quality. It's my right, you know." He pawsed, and looked again under the Christmas tree. "So far, however, I can only see one gift with my name on it," he observed, a little ruefully.

"We humans are funny folk," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "Just when you think that they have forgotten you ... Bingo! Up they come with the most surprising and wonderful things. I'm always being surprised by how kind other humans are and I'm sure you will receive exactly what you deserve!"

Fredcat looked sideways at Cathie. (This required only a slight turn of the head as cats have an ability to sit still and rotate their heads in an almost owl-like fashion.) Cathie was not normally a human who couched her comments in double talk, rather she had a tendency to speak her mind. "Errr," he began, "Does that mean that I have a lot more gifts to come or does it mean that that my present list has already peaked at one?" He looked a tad anxious. "Counting down from yesterday, I reckon it's only three days to go now and there's not much time left to add to this stack (of one gift), Cathie."

"Don't worry, Fredcat," said Cathie, "I'm sure your present list will grow with time. I think it's Murphy's Law that states that the more famous a cat is the fewer presents he needs yet the more presents he gets, you know." And with that Fredcat had to be content.

Then Mr. B. came into the room to spoil it all. "You do realise that your past life might dictate how you are treated in this life," he said solemnly. He could barely keep from laughing. "I mean if you've been good for the whole year then folk will notice and treat you accordingly but if you've behaved rather badly you might be treated likewise. Some people call it karma ...." And he shot out of the room before Cathie could scold him.

"Here, my famous friend," she said, comfortingly, "Let me give you a chuck-a-chin or, better still, a tummy rub that to soothe away your fears. I'm convinced you're a great and good cat, so there!" So there, indeed.

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Monday, December 19th 2005 (number 703)

Succulent chops for tea! Large image

Fredcat looked at his best human friend, Cathie. She had a determined look on her face as she swept into the kitchen. "I'm afraid that you're going to have to stay out of the way for a while, Fredcat," she said, "Mr. B. and I are going to have a bit of a clean out of the pantry to see what we have in there. I'm sure we have a Christmas pudding in there somewhere, and I mean to root it out."

"I'm not at all keen on fruity Christmas puddings," said Fredcat, "Nor on plum puddings, which appear to be very similar. I've seen Mr. B. eat one of those dainty puddings at a single sitting; he sploshes hot yellow custard all over it, but it's far too sweet for my taste. How about looking in the larder or freezer for something in the savoury line, like some tasty steak? Or some steak, even. You might even come across some steak, if you search hard enough."

He turned to Cathie, eyes gleaming, "Do you know it'll soon be Christmas Day - and already I've spotted something under the Christmas tree that looks remarkably like a present for yours truly!" He licked his lips. "I hope it tastes good." He started to count off the days to Christmas; "Today's Monday, the 19th, so we don't count that, then there's Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday - that's four days (because we don't count Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.) Four days!"

Cathie gave a little sigh and said, "Fredcat, your counting methods are unique. And, one doesn't keep savoury items like juicy steaks in the larder, we keep those in the freezer until it's time for them to be thawed out." She opened the door of the freezer to demonstrate and Fredcat immediately shot his left front paw inside the central section and pulled out a packet clearly labelled "Lamb chops".

"Volia!" he said, "That solves our evening meal problem, non?" and he turned to Cathie with a triumphant grin. "There's plenty of time to defrost them and our master cook Mr. B. can grill these and serve them along with a tasty gravy, I reckon."

And so it came to pass that chops were indeed served for tea and were enjoyed by Monsieur Fredcat and all who lived at the Fredcat residence. Then they sat around the fire and told Christmas stories to each other. Or played on the computers. One of those two things, anyway ...

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Saturday, December 17th 2005 (number 702)

Electrically-disconnected cat! Large image

It had rained all day. As an outdoor/indoor cat Fredcat had no need to worry unduly about his inability to pop outside for a call of nature but, in reality, he much preferred to wander outside to get a breath of fresh air and "such like". If truth be told, he even disliked the very concept of indoors and outdoors, much preferring one giant roaming area, totally uncluttered by barriers of any kind.

When the rain stopped he managed to persuade his butler to open the front door. At the threshold, he stopped in annoyance.

"Look!" he exclaimed, "The Christmas lights have gone out! They're supposed to be on at this time of day but none of the lights are working. The animated deer are definitely less than animated. Are they deadd?"

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was quickly on the scene and said, "It must have been the incessant rain that's done that. I've just two words to say to you, Mr. B., and they are - "Fix it, now!"

That's three words," yelped Mr. B., but he received only a glare in response. The Grumpy One hurried to the bank of lights and started to test all the connections. They were still damp from the rain but all seemed to be in order. He then went inside the Fredcat residence and checked the circuit breakers but, puzzlingly, they were all set to On. Then he saw that the little pop up button had indeed popped up, so he pushed the button back and lo! All was light again! Fredcat was pleased, but Mr. B. groused, "All this fuss and nonsense over a little pop up button! I don't know ..."

After checking that the deer had, indeed, been revived, Fredcat was pleased to report that the UPS man had left a huge parcel on the doorstep. "Are these Christmas gifts for yours truly?" he enquired, hopefully. But this was met with a shake of the head by Cathie, and he turned away, a tad disappointed. "I think you don't know enough about we cats," he said.

"Is there anything you really want for Christmas, my little one?" asked Cathie, "I see that you've really fallen in love with the superb Christmas box bed that Mr. B. organised for you. I know we can't arrange to have one in each room, as you wanted, but is there anything else you desire?" She just about avoided saying, "Speak now or forever hold your peace," since Fredcat's wishes usually turned out to be be expensive, and funds were short in the Fredcat household.

But there was no stopping the Arrogant One. "Well, yes, actually, there is. I'd like to have several food bowls (properly decorated, in a festive manner), with food topped up several times daily in each. By that, I mean filled with good solid prime beef, preferably fillet steak (cooked medium rare), with beef biscuits on a separate bowl. With shredded beef as a pudding, please. If I can't have a Christmas box bed in each room then I'll settle for feeding places, filled as described, in all the rooms of my Famous residence. That will save me the trouble of walking to the kitchen to get my nourishment, you know. Thank you." And he turned and sauntered off to satisfy himself that the exterior Christmas decorations were working properly, before falling asleep in his (sadly) lone Christmas box bed.

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Friday, December 16th 2005 (number 701)

Speechmaker Fredcat! Large image

The Fredcat household was in a turmoil, to say the least. Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, had received a telephone call from an audio services company, offering her a chance simply to talk, nothing more. When she came off the telephone, Cathie turned to Fredcat and said excitedly, "I've been offered the chance to speak for money. I don't even have to think of the words, they'll all be written down for me, I just have to read 'em!" She looked at Mr. B. with a huge smile on her face, and the latter grinned back.

Cathie spent all day talking, even when there was apparently no call for it, her clear voice wafting through the Fredcat residence. "The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. The Rain In Spain Stays Mainly In The Plain. THE RAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINLY IN THE PLAIN. THE RAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINLY IN THE PLAIN," finally yelling, "I think she's got it!" She first tried speaking quickly, then slowly, then in a deep voice and in a high pitched voice. Even when she had nothing to say, Cathie managed to say it in such a way that it could be heard all over the Fredcat residence.

Fredcat looked admiringly at Cathie, but spoke with more than a tinge of jealousy in his voice. "But you speak with an accent that's clearly English, not American," he said, "Haven't you learned to talk with a standard American drawl by now?" He turned around, tipped one ear with a paw and started to do his famous John Wayne impersonation (but lacking a large dirty white Stetson, he looked simply feline and not the tough Texan that John Wayne usually portayed). "I'm sure I can do a lot better than you did," he said, and left the room, rather piqued.

He was later rebuked by Mr. B., who said that there were some things that even a famous cat could not achieve. "Everybody is good at something," finished Mr. B., "Cathie can speak very clearly - and also very quickly if she tries."

Fredcat thought for a while and then replied, "But she can't catch mice or speed up the stairs like I can, and she can't so many other quite ordinary things, so why is she so smart when it comes to talking?"

"I think, Fredcat," said Mr., B, carefully, "That one thing you must learn in life is that the female of the species is ALWAYS very good at talking," and he automatically ducked as a missile of some sort came flying through the air towards him. "It's we males that have learned to duck and dive when that sort of thing happens." And the two males of the household looked at each other and grinned - Cathie was back!

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Thursday, December 15th 2005 (number 700)

Hundreds of diary entries! Large image

It had been a cold night but Fredcat had been snug and toasty warm in his new Christmas box bed. He stretched, and decided against waking Mr. B., even though his insides were starting to clamour for nourishment. "Now I know what it feels like when the humans claim that they just want a few extra minutes in bed of a morning when, really, they don't want to get up at all," he mewsed.

"I do like my rumpled Christmas box bed," he later told his best human friend, Cathie, "Is there any chance of Mr. B. creating one for me in each room of my famous residence?" A piercing steady gaze from Cathie quickly told him the answer straight away. Fredcat then sought out Mr. B. who was busily trying to unravel the latest diary entry which the former had dictated to the latter earlier.

"Do you realise that this is your 700th daily diary entry?" said Mr. B., "You must be very proud of your achievement! We humans have had to work very hard to keep up with you." Fredcat looked at the computer and saw the number 700 again but this time there were some more 0s after the 700. He tried to work out what number it was but became confused.

"That number is 700,000," said Mr. B., "And it's the number of years ago that scientists now think that humans first migrated to the UK from continental Europe. Apparently in those days there was no English Channel, it was all dry land so one could walk between France and England easily."

"Following that logic, I suppose that if the ocean between Europe and North America had once been land, then we could have walked here instead of having to fly over," remarked Fredcat, but Mr. B. turned resignedly to the PC instead of explaining to the Mighty One just how long it would take to walk 4,500 thousand miles.

"Well now that you're here you might as well try to learn as much as you can about the USA," he said, "See if you can fit all these US states into the outline map. You don't have too long to do it. I'm ashamed to say that I couldn't complete it - and it's only a third grader test!" And Mr. B. smiled, knowing that Fredcat would do his utmost until he had fully succeeded.

When he had finished, Cathie reminded Fredcat that he hadn't opened his advent calendar fo a couple of days. Perhaps he would get an idea for a Christmas present? Or perhaps not!

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Wednesday, December 14th 2005 (number 699)

Guestbook Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was fuming. He had just taken a peek at his Famous Guestbook. Nothing had been done on it for ages. No entries, nothing. The last entry had been made weeks and weeks ago. What was Mr. B. doing? Mr. B., in fact, was currently having a snooze in front of the big TV where he was (theoretically) watching one of the numerous ball games that so delighted him, but this game was apparently so boring that he had fallen asleep.

"Excuse me," the Famous One cried, "Am I suddenly so unpopular that nobody has written to me since October? I bet you've been deleting all my emails." He stomped around for a bit, dancing up and down on both pairs of paws until he realised that doing it was beginning to get painful. "What if some of the folk who received my free bumper stickers wanted to write and say thank you on my Famous Guestbook? You never thought of that, did you?"

"Now hold on, Fredcat," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "You've been getting loads of emails of one sort or another, you know. You can't expect busy humans to write to you all the time. They have lots of other things to do apart from pandering to your vanity." And that, Dear Reader, didn't go down at all well with the Mighty One, who hated any form of criticism.

Then Mr. B. joined in, saying, in a hurt voice, "Lookee here, Fredcat, I've spent hours and hours decorating your new pre-Christmas box bed. Cathie had remarked that you were a tad unhappy with the flimsy amount of covering so I've re-done the whole box bed with fancy festive wrapping paper both inside and out, so you can really go to sleep in a contented frame of mind."

At this, they all went to see said pre-Christmas box bed. Fredcat stood back and admired it. The bed looked magnificent! The inside was padded with tinsel (covered in a bag to stop any glitter getting up the nostrils of the Famous One) and there were several layers of soft clothing, nicely rumpled to wrap around the Fredcat torso.

Later on, when the Guestbook had been suitably recast, Fredcat suddenly felt a pang of guilt - the new format had been laid out in the same style as his original Famous diary and he thought the Guestbook looked much improved. "Do you know I've received over a hundred entries in my Famous Guestbook since this was started less than a year ago!" he said, with glow of pride. "Perhaps the humans do like me after all."

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Tuesday, December 13th 2005 (number 698)

Residential display Supercat! Large image

All the decorations were finally in place. Fredcat was exhausted from his supervisory role and alternated between sitting and sleeping in his new Christmas box bed and purred. He had done well. All his suggestions had been acted upon and his famous residence was now fully decorated. Mr. B, had even swept up all the bits of Christmas tree and tinsel that had fallen off during the decorating phase. Well ... he'd almost swept up all the tinsel. With his famous eagle eye (feline eye?!) Fredcat noticed little pieces of coloured tinsel still littered everywhere.

"You've missed a bit of tinsel there," he said, somewhat sniffily, "and there, and there. I think you'd better get the brush out again. There's tinsel all over the place."

Now Mr. B. didn't like to be corrected about his housework. Actually he hated doing housework at all but when he did tackle it he tried his very best to do it properly. To have Fredcat point out the errors of his ways was irksome. "You're making more fuss over a few bits of spare tinsel on the floor than you ever do over a few dropped or added apostrophes such as when I'm trying to keep up with your breakneck dictation for your daily diary," he groused.

It was at this point that Fredcat sneezed, thrice over! "Look what you've done with all that sweeping and dusting and cleaning up. You've made the air full of particles of dust that entered my famous nose and now I'm sneezing horribly!" And he continued to grumble, in between sneezing.

"Hey, you - it's not Mr. B.'s fault you're sneezing," said Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, "There are many possible causes of respiratory problems in cats, you know. And if you don't know, Fredcat, then you should know. You know. Enough picking on the Grumpy One - why don't you come outside in the fresh air with me, and we'll admire our decorations now that it's dark. Although they're certainly not up to the standards of these decorations they are pretty, nonetheless."

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Monday, December 12th 2005 (number 697)

Decorative cat! Large image

Fredcat watched as Mr. B. painstakingly threaded the new wire into the light bulb fitment and re-attached the whole to the lights on the Christmas deer. Mr. B. flipped on the light switch and lo! It worked! So yet another section of the electrical circuit was now working. But there was a lot of unlit deer left and Fredcat hadn't the patience to watch the Grumpy One do any more bulb testing and replacement. This was taking far too long and Fredcat (as always) was hungry.

"Are you going to be doing this all day," he grumbled, "It's getting quite dark outside and I need nourishing." Mr. B. (being far too absorbed in his electrical work) didn't reply. Even when Fredcat stamped both his front paws in unison, there was no response, so Fredcat sighed and took himself off to climb the stairs to the study.

There he found his best human friend, Cathie, peering fixedly at the Fredcat PC. "Ahem! if you're not doing anything special, I would really appreciate some food; my bowl is empty, my remaining cat biscuits are stale and I'm sure Mr. B. hasn't changed my water today."

"Now that's just not right," scolded Cathie, "The biscuits were new today, and the water is fresh because I saw to it myself. Although I must say I haven't noticed how much meat was in your bowl, I'll check with Mr. B. right now." The pair went swiftly downstairs, said descent being made all the more rapid by Cathie carrying the Mighty One in her arms; this was something Fredcat really liked. There they met Mr. B., carrying a string of coloured lights in his hands and wearing a wild look on his face.

"Look, Fredcat, I've just about reached the end of my tether with these wretched animated illuminated Christmas deer. They're proving to be very difficult to get working this year ... so how would you like to be an illuminated animated Christmas feline? All you'd have to do is stand in the garden with a selection of brightly coloured flashing lights around your torso! You'd be an excellent display item, as well as being the most original feline for miles around. See, there are red, green and blue lights which you might just be able to distinguish with your famous feline eye-sight. You'd be the finishing touch for our external Christmas decorations!" He held out the string of coloured lights invitingly as he approached the Famous One.

Fredcat shrank back. "Absolutely not," he cried, "I need to be the centre of attention - but not that way, thank you! I only came downstairs for my evening meal."

Cathie was even more direct, "Please get back to work on those deer," she scolded, "and leave my famous feline alone." And so saying she swept into the kitchen and found a piece of cold cooked chicken leg she'd been saving for Mr. B.'s tea and offered it to Fredcat instead. "The very idea," she muttered crossly. Fredcat simply nodded; his mouth was too full of tender white chicken meat to speak. Lucky (UNilluminated UNanimated NON-Christmas) cat...

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Saturday, December 10th 2005 (number 696)

Vehicular gloom! Large image

Mr. B. was in despair. Today he had driven his faithful old car to the local shops and whenever he applied the brakes the car had emitted a loud grinding sound. "Oh, no!" he cried, "Just before Christmas! I can't afford to pay out huge sums of money on car repairs now; I have so many Christmas presents to buy and wrap." Fredcat listened to this and asked his best human friend, Cathie, what was going on. Without pulling any punches, Cathie said grimly, "The brakes on Mr. B.'s car aren't working properly and he needs to get them fixed. Pronto!"

"You mean to tell me that every time I was taken to the v*t's office my life was in danger, thanks to that awful vehicle?" Fredcat cried in horror, "That's it! No more visits to the v*t's office - ever!" Following that outburst it took both Mr. B. and Cathie several hours to convince Fredcat that all would be well as soon as said vehicle returned from the garage.

"See here," coaxed Cathie "To make up for any fears you may have, Mr. B. has discarded your old special best ever Christmas bed and has built you a brand new special best ever Christmas bed. And look! It's all covered in Christmas wrapping paper! It's a sort of pre-Christmas Christmas present, if you like."

Fredcat was not a cat to be easily pleased. He took one look at the new bed and said, reluctantly, "It seems acceptable on the surface, but I really don't like change, you know. It looks fine and dandy, but I much prefer beds that look a little messy - that new bed is far too regular, if you know what I mean. And I don't like pre-Christmas Christmas presents if it turns out that I receive fewer proper Christmas presents on the day. That's not on, Cathie!"

"Oh come on, Fredcat!" said Cathie, "We have so many things to do at the moment that you're fortunate that the Grumpy One has taken the time and trouble to make you a festive special best ever Christmas bed. I just can't be doing with a whiney cat at this time of the year, we've all got far too much to do. We've decorated the trees and hung all the Christmas decorations, and we still have to put up the Christmas deer on the grass in the front garden. We could use a hand with the external decorations, you know. If you're not going to help us then go on to the shiny new PC and check out the next advent calendar. Lard Man might cheer you up."

"Christmas Lard Man? I'll have to see that," thought Fredcat, heading off up the stairs. "And this place could use an elevator, I reckon. There are just too many stairs ..."

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Friday, December 9th 2005 (number 695)

Christmas stocking Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat was mightily displeased. "Ever since you changed my best box bed it's never been the same," he complained. "Look! The side just fell out and all myspecial Christmas bedding tumbled out onto the floor!">/p> Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, looked doubtfully at the bed. "Hmmm, it certainly does look a mess - are you quite sure you were simply sleeping in it and not acting out one of your famous heroic deeds in your sleep?"

Fredcat looked hopefully at Cathie and put on a bit of a whiney voice, "I reckon if Mr. B. fixed my bed then I would sleep a lot better at night. That's what you guys are here for, you know - to look after me."

This remark was received in a somewhat amused manner by the Grumpy One, who looked scornfully at Fredcat and said, "I've never known a feline who sleeps as much as you. You can sleep through thunderstorms that would keep Cathie and I awake, shivering all night. And ..." (and this was underscored heavily) "... you can also sleep very well during the day, as well."

"That's not the point," said Fredcat, forgetting to stay in character with his whiney voice, "I've had a broken night's sleep, what with this poorly constructed bed to sleep on, and I need proper cosseting to catch up on my ordained hours of rest." He began to groom himself vigorously, a sure sign of annoyance. "What I need is ...," and here he stopped, thinking hard, "Is a nice Christmas tale to send me to sleep."

Cathie thought for a moment and said, "Well, as you tend to fall asleep very quickly, it'll have to be a very quick story, Fredcat," and she settled down to tell Fredcat A Christmas Story - as acted by bunnies.

Fredcat listened to Cathie reciting the story for all of twenty eight seconds, then promptly fell fast asleep, as expected. "Let's open another one of the advent calendar boxes," she said, "I wonder what's in there for today?"

"We'll soon find out about that," said Mr. B., "But I think I'd rather watch the longer version of A Christmas Story, it's told at a much slower pace and I can follow the plot a lot more easily. Meanwhile, can you help me sort out someone's extra special best ever Christmas bed? I need some strong duct tape, a pair of scissors, some soft padding for the insides and some coloured wrapping paper for the outside." But, Dear Reader, when he turned round, Cathie had gone. How unsurprising!

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Thursday, December 8th 2005 (number 694)

Hibernating Fredcat! Large image

"Will you please wake up and get out of that bed!" Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, standing over him, arms crossed, didn't appear to want to take no for an answer. The problem was that Fredcat was immovable and Cathie was fearful that if she tried to lift him out of his special Christmas bed she'd end up on the wrong end of the Fredcat fearsome claws. This wasn't good!

Fredcat opened and eye and said sleepily, "Please leave me alone, I'm hibernating for the winter. I'll see you guys in the spring when the weather has improved." Cathie stomped her foot, then realised that it was the one that she'd hurt recently and stopped hastily. "Look here, Fredcat, I must have access to that bed and you are not hibernating; cats don't hibernate - though they do sleep quite a lot!"

But Fredcat declined to move and soon Cathie was complaining to Mr. B., "You must do something, just get him out of that bed." She stormed off leaving Mr. B. looking at Fredcat. "I think you're missing a few things by staying in that there bed," he said cunningly, "Have you seen the latest advent calendar? It's very good, you know. You could be the star of a personal calendar yourself if you just put your mind to it."

Fredcat ignored Mr. B., or tried to. The former just rambled on and on, as if he were filibustering in one of the Houses of Parliament. "I see that Cathie has filled your food bowl with some of our tea time prawns," continued Mr. B. That did it. With a grunt of annoyance Fredcat leapt out of bed, raced to his food bowl and downed the entire plate of prawns in record time. But even though he was quick to return, Cathie was faster. "Sorry, Fredcat, but Mr. B. and I have re-arranged your bed without all the mess you had in it before."

"But that's the whole point of my Christmas bed," complained Fredcat, "I liked all my things just as they were in there! I need the comfort of knowing what's where in there in order to relax and think up all the marvellous new projects I'm going to do in the New Year, after I've had my fill of the Christmas turkey," he wailed. "Now my brain will be addled and I won't be able to think clearly!"

But this feline tantrum proved to be useless so he took himself off to examine what was left of the bed ... and ... remarkably, although it had been cleared out, many familiar items remained! "Err, perhaps it won't be too bad," he mewed, grudgingly, "once I've had a few sleeps in it." And he stepped into his best Christmas bed, curled up and was soon asleep again. Honour was satisfied.

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Wednesday, December 7th 2005 (number 693)

Mushroom-flavoured Fredcat! Large image

"I've been given a box of mushrooms for Christmas," declared Mr. B., as he looked at the large brown box sitting on the table. Fredcat leapt onto the table top and peered in. "There's absolutely nothing there," he remarked sagely, adding, "I've read that mushrooms have magical properties that make you hallucinate; have you eaten them already?" He would have gone on with similar pleasantries had not Mr. B. realised that Fredcat wasn't allowed on table tops and whooshed him gently onto the floor.

"Actually, they haven't been grown yet," said Mr. B., "I have to add water and watch them sprout before we can eat them. It'll take about three weeks before they're ready." Fredcat looked at Mr. B., appalled, "I thought they were a special kind of decoration - just add water today and they'll be ready tomorrow!"

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, saw the look of anguish on the Mighty One's face and said, "Don't worry, this watering and growing will keep Mr. B. occupied for days on end and keep him out of mischief. Now," she continued, "what I want from you, Fredcat, is that box of decorations you've been sleeping on for the last week. That bed needs changing and I need all the decorations to dress our bare trees. I also want the snow globe that's tucked away at the back of the box; it's pretty!"

"Those trees aren't bare," said Fredcat, "They've got lights all over them - they're so full of lights that I can't get to climb up even to the first level of branches."

"Well I'm sorry about that," said Cathie, "But I have to take charge of completing the decorating and dressing (yes, Fredcat, that's the word, dressing) of the trees with coloured baubles, tinsel and the like."

Fredcat left the room grumbling. First Mr. B. had whooshed him off the table top (admittedly he shouldn't have been there in the first place, but that wasn't the point - he was a Famous cat and he deserved some liberties, didn't he?) and now Cathie was determined to remove his best bed ever.

Looking around, he noted that the humans were otherwise occupied so he crept stealthily back to where his best bed ever beckoned him invitingly. "Just a last kip, then," he muttered to himself, and was soon stretched out happily. No human would dare interrupt him whilst he was asleep. He had another ten hours or so ahead to finish his doze and by then, who knows, the humans would probably have forgotten all about their unreasonable demands for his special Christmas bed. He fell asleep thinking of what he would like to receive as a Christmas present - perhaps an electrically-heated bed? The idea was a good one in principle, but the one he'd seen was a tad too small, perhaps there were larger ones around? He let his mind wander ...

Suddenly he sat up bold upright. He could hear Mr. B. telling Cathie about large heated beds for cats for use outdoors. Outdoors! Fredcat didn't fancy that idea at all. But dreamland called him once more, and soon he was asleep again. Outdoor beds were a problem for another day. Right now he was warm and comfortable, and he intended to stay that way. Zzzzz ...

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Tuesday, December 6th 2005 (number 692)

Secretive Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was home for the day and she was admiring the newly decorated Christmas tree which had been set up in the living room. "I do like the flashing coloured lights," she said approvingly, "they look great! It took ages to put them on the tree, but they make the decorations in the living room complete." Fredcat nodded his approval. He had had some fun chasing after some of the strands of lights when Mr. B. was checking them out but now they were mostly interweaved beyond his reach.

But were they? Fredcat thought long and hard and hunkered down in readiness for a leap. About three quarters of the way up the Christmas tree, one branch was less covered in lights than some of the others around and with a single leap he reckoned he could alight there easily - and from there he could just as easily reach the top of the tree. Fredcat liked heights! In the absence of his birth mother, his mentor Forby had shown him the correct way to climb up high when they were both small kittens and this tutorial had not been wasted.

"Hold on, Fredcat!" suddenly warned Mr. B., restraining the Mighty One, "This tree will not support a chubby cat like you; you're not a squirrel, used to climbing trees and able to assess the weight tolerance of all branches with ease. Look at these two sisters. They thought they could climb up a Christmas tree with impunity and see what happened!".

"Please don't treat me like a baby kitten, sniffed Fredcat, "I'm purrfectly capable of deciding whether a branch is capable of bearing my weight or not."

"And he's not chubby," joined in Cathie, in an aggrieved tone, "He's simply well padded." Mr. B. looked at each of his detractors and smiled. "O.K.," he sighed, "he's not chubby but I sometimes wonder who he is; The Cat in this spoof of a reality show looks remarkably like the Famous One. Are you sure he's not part of the spoof and is just staying here at the Fredcat residence as a sort of hideaway?"

"You've been reading too many detective stories," said Cathie. Mr. B. had no real comeback to that gibe, and thought that the best way out of the corner he'd backed himself in to was to offer Fredcat some fresh biscuits to divert the latter's attention away from climbing Christmas trees. Fredcat was always ready for a new packet of biscuits, thank goodness.

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Monday, December 5th 2005 (number 691)

Christmas trees for Fredcat! Large image

"Don't go in there!" cried Mr. B., as Fredcat sauntered into the living room. Fredcat stopped dead in his tracks and looked around in surprise. The living room floor was a mess of wires and coloured lights. Some of the lights were on, some were flashing, but most were not lit at all. In the middle of the floor sat Mr. B., his head in his hands, groaning aloud.

Fredcat pointedly ignored Mr. B.'s request and tip-toed his way precisely through the mess as if he were casually negotiating a mine field. Each of his rear paws fitted perfectly into the place previously occupied by his front paws. It was, as ever, a masterpiece of feline walking in a confined space. Like all his fellow felines, Fredcat was inordinately proud of all his abilities, especially his ability to navigate his way around obstacles in tight spaces; he often did this to frighten humans who thought he was about to fall or fail.

"I'm trying to put the branches of this do-it-yourself upside down Christmas tree into place as well as position the lights around them, but they keep going off," cried Mr. B., despairingly. Fredcat thought Mr. B. was being very optimistic; in the past the latter's efforts at setting up even right-way-up trees had been fraught with difficulties.

"I feel as if I'm going around in circles," said Mr. B., "everywhere I go I seem to wish I'd been there a bit earlier; it's like walking in treacle." Fredcat blinked; he couldn't begin to imagine what that would be like. "Perhaps if you went about it in a logical fashion," suggested the Mighty One, "and stopped trying to join pieces of coloured lights together in a haphazard way. I see you've joined two ends of this single strand of lights together. As no power can get to any part of these lights you're not going to get anywhere with that!"

But this observation, though acute and timely (and accurate!), did nothing to appease Mr. B. He simply groaned, and said, "I think I'm going to make a cup of tea and hope that by the time I get back it'll all work properly." And he did, but it didn't. But Fredcat had long since forgotten the Christmas lights, and had found the best place underneath a proper right-way-up tree and was fast asleep.

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Saturday, December 3rd 2005 (number 690)

Christmas decorations everywhere! Large image

Fredcat awoke to hear the sound of (almost) frenzied activity as the humans started to deal with the problems of decorating the Fredcat residence. "This will take days," groaned Mr. B., as he climbed up and down the step ladder, hanging garlands of coloured foils and decorations from the ceiling. "Why can't we just have one tree and a couple of lengths of tinsel here and there? Nobody will ever know the difference."

But Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, was adamant, "We have an important guest coming for the Christmas period," she said, firmly, "and the Fredcat residence has to look its colourful best." Fredcat agreed; although his eyesight was not as perceptive as the humans, he could make out some of the more vivid colours which so pleased them. Felines had lots of wonderful abilities, and he strongly believed that the world would be a better place if humans were to read about and understand said feline abilities.

Fredcat liked the Christmas decorations and enjoyed watching them as they moved gently in the air currents produced by the central heating. He would have preferred it even more if the decorations were at ground level, though! "How can you expect me to chase after them if you fix them so high up?" he complained.

"It would be easier if they were fixed lower down," said Mr. B., testily, "then I wouldn't have to do all this up and down the stepladder stuff. It's all very well for you, Cathie, to give orders from the comfort of a wheelchair but I'm the one doing all the work here, you know." (Now, Dear Reader, this was the wrong thing to say - and Mr. B. knew it as soon as he'd said it - but, alas, it was too late.)

But before Cathie could air her riposte, Fredcat jumped in and said blithely, "Will you be buying an extra large turkey now that our guest will be here for Christmas, Cathie? That would suit me fine. I don't mind where the decorations are fixed (or even if they are in place at all!) as long as the roast turkey dinner is sorted out!"

For a moment both males thought that this excellent diversionary tactic would work but it was not to be. Cathie spun her wheelchair expertly and said, ever so sweetly, "I'm sorry that I'm incarcerated in this chair for the time being. If that annoys you perhaps our guest and I will take it upon ourselves to have a posh restaurant Christmas lunch whilst you two look after the Fredcat residence. With a bit of luck you might just have finished the decorating by then, and we could bring you back something from a fast food restaurant - if they're open on Christmas Day."

But Cathie quickly soon relented when she saw how contrite the two males were. "Let's just get on with hanging these Christmas decorations," she said, "We haven't even started on the trees yet, we'll have to leave that until later." And soon the room was filled with human activity once more. Fredcat, of course, was not one to stand in line for this sort of work so he discreetly left the humans to it and slipped out to see if the mice were 'playing out', now that the nights had lengthened.

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Friday, December 2nd 2005 (number 689)

Decorating Fredcat! Large image

Fredcat looked and gaped up as his best human friend, Cathie, came into the hall. "Wow! Not again!" he said in disbelief. There sat Cathie being propelled by Mr. B. in a wheelchair, of all things. The Grumpy One was smiling broadly as he deftly turned the corner from the hall into the living room and gently deposited Cathie by the big armchair.

Fredcat fully expected Cathie to jump out of the wheelchair and carry on as normal. "Sorry to disappoint you, Fredcat," said Cathie, as she struggled out of the contraption and flopped into the big armchair. "This is no joke, we don't make fun of people in this predicament, you know." Fredcat was stunned. "What happened?" he demanded, "Here was I having this wonderful sleep in my new Christmassy-decorated bed and here you are, all, well ..." He stopped, completely flummoxed.

Don't worry, sunshine," comforted Cathie, "It's just a temporary thing, I have to keep off my foot for a few weeks until this pain has gone and the foot has healed, it's simply an unwelcome legacy of my recent stay in the ICU. You watch, it'll be fine by the end of the year."

"OK," said Fredcat, not completely convinced, "So long as you remember to buy and wrap my presents in time for Christmas, I'll survive." His body language, however, said quite another thing. It appeared he was much more concerned with his Christmas presents than with the fate of Cathie's foot.

"Fredcat," said Mr. B., sternly, "There are hundreds of other kittens out there, you know. If you're not careful you might find yourself swapped for a more accommodating feline; one that doesn't wake me up for breakfast well before six o'clock in the morning and one who gives Cathie a little sympathy!"

But Cathie would have none of it. She swooped down to pick up the Mighty One and gave him a firm scratch near the base of his spine. Fredcat loved this and arched his back up high while he raised his head and turned it from side to side in pleasure. "Just you leave my Sweetie alone," she said, "He'll keep me company in my hours of distress."

"This all sounds very false," thought Mr. B. to himself, and wondered how long Cathie would consent to be constrained in a wheel chair. "About as long as Fredcat takes to bellow for a fresh bowl of food, I reckon," he thought with a sigh. Ah well.

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Thursday, December 1st 2005 (number 688)

December - winter weather! Large image

Fredcat sighed and munched his biscuits. He had been day-dreaming of turkey and he looked mournfully at his food bowl, hoping to see some best white turkey meat piled up high, but the bowl was empty. He frowned. Come to think of it, there hadn't been any turkey placed there for three days now yet the bowl was empty. What had happened? He knew Mr. B. had been carefully refilling the bowl - but the food had gone!

Then Fredcat gasped. He had been eating cat food from the v*t's office! Initially, he had ignored the meat and had eaten the cat biscuits but then - shock, horror! - he had mindlessly moved on and eaten all the wet meat. To what levels had he sunk?! Now, even his resolve to go on a hunger strike had withered and died.

It was in this state of mind that Fredcat's best human friend, Cathie, saw the Famous One, tail lowered, as he contemplated his failure to keep to his promised hunger strike. "Never mind, Fredcat, you need all those vitamins and minerals that the food from the v*t's office provides. You need to keep your health up for your adoring public, you know!"

"Is there a Guinness world record for the longest hunger strike undertaken by a feline?" enquired Fredcat. "I bet I could easily beat it if I tried - or really needed to," he added, somewhat defensively. "Probably not," replied Cathie, "but there are some interesting feline records listed there if you search hard enough."

"At least the hurricane season has officially ended," said Fredcat. "Now it's the beginning of December with the prospect of Christmas trees and loads of presents for me. I might even receive a copy of the Guinness Book!"

"Not so fast," scolded Cathie, "there's still a long way to go before Christmas Day, we don't want to get ahead of ourselves do we? Not everyone is keen on the festive season starting so soon. Having said that, though, there's no reason to miss out on starting on an advent calendar, is there?"

"All right then," said Fredcat, "but I think we should stop using the PC for a while, it's getting difficult for me to keep my eyes open." And so saying, Fredcat trotted off to bed, to dream of white turkey meat.

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