Fredcat's Tails
June 12th 2003 The cat biscuit cornucopia This story began after Fredcat had emigrated to North Carolina. Like most emigrés he wanted to hang on to the little things that make life tolerable when one finds oneself in a strange land. OK, so the sun was warmer, the local cat population were mostly kept indoors and de-clawed, so Fredcat was not subjected to unwelcome attentions when he wandered hither and thither. The humans who had served him in England had emigrated with him and they did their bit to keep Fredcat contented - "which was nice" (Fredcat likes "The Fast Show" and uses this phrase often). Fredcat admires his pile of biscuits There was one tiny flaw in this otherwise serene universe, one little niggle that bugged Fredcat in his idyllic existence. Sure, he had plenty of care and attention from Cathie. His new American human friends were most agreeable - yet this little flaw persisted in his life. The big question was: "Where were Fredcat's favourite (favorite to his American friends) cat biscuits?" These biscuits were a particular delight to Fredcat - indeed they were, in fact, his biscuits of choice. Sure, he would nibble on other branded biscuits but his favourite "bix" were particularly tempting. Sainsburys (of England!) stocked Fredcat's biscuits of choice (as did some other English stores) and it had became a ritual for Fredcat's humans to purchase these biscuits on a weekly basis. Woe betide anybody attempting to replace Fredcat's biscuits of choice with any other brand! Indeed, at one time, the makers of this brand of cat biscuits had altered the branding of the biscuits by simply changing the colour of the container from green to yellow. Good old marketing, always changing something to seeming little purpose. Fredcat assumed that someone actually was paid good money for this! To Fredcat the change was a near disaster as human friends scoured the supermarket shelves for the biscuits, only by chance finding them in their re-branded packaging, just in time! On arrival in North Carolina Fredcat unpacked his elegant sufficiency of his biscuits of choice - Felix Rascal's Reward Whiskas biscuits. But this stock, though large to begin with, was rapidly being depleted and - shock! horror! there was no local substitute to hand which satisfied our famous cat. What's a cat to do? Research reveals that there are several firms who import foodstuffs into the United States from the continent of Europe on a regular basis but, unfortunately, our famous cat's biscuits of choice are not to be found amongst the offerings of such companies. So Cathie immediately enlisted the help of her friends. "Send Fredcat his biscuits of choice!" went up the cry. This is all very well, but there is a limit to the good deeds that Laura and Margaret could encat. Replacement Rascal's Rewards biscuits were duly acquired, and sent, but as the cartons were flimsy and oddly shaped, packing them was difficult. Alas, they were not fated to reach Fredcat intact. It would seem that the good people of the United States Customs and Excise are suspicious of cat biscuits being imported into the country. Were they really cat biscuits? Perhaps they were some more sinister form of new and harmful drug sent to the Unites States to affect all cats in North Carolina. Would they indeed be consumed by nonsensical humans? Fredcat's humans suspect that the cartons were therefore opened - and cat biscuits scattered everywhere (said cartons are so constructed that their opening requires skills and patience, and hasty attempts to open them will lead to a mess of biscuits everywhere. You try it and see!) Once the contents of the parcel from the UK had been checked out and found to be safe, there appeared to have been little attempt to repack them safely and the cartons were finally delivered to the Fredcat household, albeit much later than expected. The net result was broken cartons, stale biscuits and a increasingly peeved Fredcat. Clearly, something else would have to be done. Now Fredcat was not called Fredcat the Famous for nothing. At last he stirred himself from rest but, being the tidy cat he was, he first groomed himself and then set forth. Over the years, Fredcat had developed his own set of contacts, a veritable network of friendly cats with whom he could communicate in times of stress. This network he called "Fredlink", a nicely structured setup of layered cells of feline assistants that may be called upon to provide help and support to essential initiatives. Normally Fredcat would not allow the Fredlink service to be used for personal matters such as this, but Fredcat had to be fed his biscuits of choice, and so he called upon his fellow agents to render assistance. No problem. As soon as the call went out, cat agents leapt into action. Cats everywhere started to develop a hankering for Fredcat's favourite food. Once bought, the biscuits were secretly shipped out to the Unites States. Post Office cats ensured that the biscuits were properly packaged and stamped (they were already past masters of using franking machines - in a national emergency, you understand, they had to take a number of shortcuts). Airline cats ensured that there was plenty of space in the holds of US-bound flights. Shipping cats navigated their way past shipping inspectors and fought off any shipboard rats who tried to infiltrate the Fredcat-bound cargo. This was a serious project and all cats stood firm in support. Soon, parcels of biscuits began arriving at the Fredcat residence - first a trickle, then a rush. The Fredcat demand had been met. In spades. Unfortunately, there was no easy way to cease this process. The operation was by now in full swing. Everyone in the Rascal's Rewards marketing department were delighted (putting the increased sales of their product down to its recent rebranding - but little did they know!) and the manufacturing side of the company found themselves having to work frantically to meet the demand for our hero's biscuits of choice. The United States Customs and Excise department soon gave up trying to control the inflow of biscuits. At the Fredcat residence new problems quickly became apparent. Where to store all the biscuits? Case loads of biscuits began to accumulate all over the Fredcat household. Doors became jammed as cases were wedged into cupboards (closets in America) and tempers rapidly became frayed. A number of solutions were proposed which involved using the biscuits in other ways. For example, a retaining wall was quickly build around one side of the house (although when the rain came the wall turned to slush and birds everywhere made a mess as they swooped on the resultant mess). Fredcat's cat friends found the influx of birds refreshing and persuaded quite a number of birds to give up flying for the foreseeable future in favour of becoming earthbound creatures. Cathie then cried, "Enough!" "OK", said Fredcat. Putting his thinking cap on (which is pretty tough if one is a cat, since one's ears tend to get in the way), he adopted a pensive stance and thought of ways of reducing the torrent of biscuit cartons to the Fredcat residence. Diversion was the key. But to where? The solution came to him in a flash. He ordered that all the biscuit deliveries en route have addressee changes so that his biscuits of choice were diverted to other cats in the USA. They would be pleased with his munificence - would they not? Umm, not sure, but the order went out and Fredcat's residence was thereby saved from any further engulfments of biscuits. Fredcat thus saved Cathie's household from any further embarrassment. In any case, Fredcat had now "gone off" the biscuits, his biscuits of choice had been replaced by another brand of biscuits of choice. "Those biscuits have gone off", said Mr. B. in amazement. "All this fuss and now you don't want any more?" he asked our hero. Fredcat looked him in the eye and said, "You know, cats do what they like to do, and don't do what they don't like to do." "I don't believe it" said Mr. B. Do you?