Fredcat's Tails
November 16th 2003 Cat knappers From Fredcat's point of view it all started when the telephone rang one Saturday morning. Fredcat had (of course) been up for hours, had eaten well and was just about to delve into some warm and rumpled bed sheets left by his indulgent best human friend, Cathie, when few a few minutes later he overheard Cathie's reaction to some seemingly shocking news. Cat-knapped cat? Cathie's ashen face told him that something very serious had happened. She looked at Fredcat and immediately picked him up and held him close. Well, this is a little surprising, thought Fredcat. Far too early for this sort of thing, though it is rather nice, he purred softly to himself. "The fact is," said Cathie, "that one of your feline friends, Persia, has been cat-knapped! And I am worried that the villains may be tempted to come after you!" Fredcat thought about this and decided that this was most unlikely. Cat-knapping was not something one did in bulk, after all. Why was Persia taken, anyway? What was the motive? Perhaps she had not been taken and would shortly turn up, safe and sound. After all, Fredcat had frequently used the 'disappearing for a day' trick to gain both sympathy and extra care and attention on many an occasion; this was a good ploy if one thought that the humans had begun to lose interest in one. Fredcat sighed, detached himself from Cathie's loving arms and went off to think. Persia was only a kitten, he mused, why cat-knap a kitten? Fredcat had no sooner left the room when the telephone rang again. "Good grief," said Cathie, "another cat vanished!"
Another Cat-knapped cat? This time it was Persia's close male companion, Pasha, who was missing. Fredcat instantly made up his mind on a course of action, and within a short space of time was on his way to the scene of the purported crimes. When he arrived at their house he was met by a distraught Aspen. "If you can get these little kittens back for me I will see that you are well rewarded," she sniffed. But Fredcat wasn't really listening, he was examining the kittens' food bowls. Untouched, he muttered to himself. They must have been taken before they had eaten their breakfast. Fredcat noticed also that a very nice pink ribbon adorning their large teddy bear's neck had also vanished. Had the cat-knappers used the ribbon to tie up one of the unfortunate kittens, thought Fredcat? But our hero was puzzled by one thing which nobody had as yet noticed. There was no ransom note to be seen. And no telephone call either, he noted. Perhaps it was too early? Nonetheless, this was getting strange ..... On the study table upstairs was the usual collection of items and, of course, the family computer, which was being used to play the latest CD of songs by the Crazy Cutie Cats group. Fredcat thought for a moment. Persia and Pasha were, of course, quite young and susceptible to all sorts of temptations. They were being trained to follow house rules but just suppose their training was incomplete .... Just suppose they had not listened as carefully as they should to the voices and warnings of Aspen and their human friends? Fredcat asked around to see if there had been any sign of villains in the vicinity (he sounded just like a real policeman! But you have to remember that he was a very famous cat and sometimes took himself a little too seriously). But, alas, no-one admitted to having seen any strangers in or around the house. Fredcat looked around more carefully and found a copy of the local News and Observer newspaper. Perhaps there was something inside which could shed some light on matters. Perhaps the disappearance of the kittens was not an isolated event after all and this was the start of a wave of cat-knapping terror! And then, of course, it all clicked into place. Fredcat approached Aspen. "Have you had any particular problems lately with these little kittens?," he queried. "Not really," came the reply. "They have been spending quite a lot of time in the study these last few days, you see, the weather has been very poor of late and they have not had the opportunity to go outside much." Fredcat smiled and said, "Do not fret, Aspen, I think I can assure you that your kittens will soon be recovered safe and sound, if a little tired." This was indeed good news!, even if a trifle puzzling. "How can you possibly tell me that when we have not even heard from the cat-knappers?" Aspen cried. Fredcat did not reply but simply settled down to wait by the cat door (after helping himself to a couple of biscuits to keep his strength up, you understand.) It was hours later when the first creaks of the cat door alerted Fredcat. First Persia and then Pasha crept inside and tried to make their way stealthily into the kitchen area. "Whoa!," commanded our famous feline. "Not so fast. Some explanations, if you please". But, as it happened, our magnificent moggie had it all worked out (as usual). "You kittens were stuck in the house all day," he announced. "Listening to the music being played on the computer - in particular, the Crazy Cutie Cats group, and their lead singer Katty Katz. Then, the local News and Observer newspaper had advertised an evening gig in Raleigh for the Crazy Cutie Cats and Persia couldn't resist sneaking out to attend - doubtless without a ticket. Naturally as soon as Pasha found out that Persia was missing, instead of alerting Aspen, he set off to bring her back. He tried to be very noble and hoped to get Persia to return before her absence was discovered. He quickly caught up with Persia but, being rather weak himself, he succumbed to her suggestion of attending the concert (as all males do to their lady friend's suggestions, inevitably!), and they both stayed to watch the show before making their way home." "And Aspen, don't worry about the risk of their being lost en-route, I had them both shadowed all the way home by friends of mine". "Thanks guys," he said, turning to the two dark shapes waiting outside, "See you later". "But how did you know that Persia had gone off and I had not?" said Pasha." "Easy," said Fredcat. The Crazy Cutie Cats like all their fans to bring a ribbon to concerts to wave during particularly emotive songs. Only one ribbon was missing. If you had both left together then a second ribbon would have been taken - and that wasn't the case. "So you are a noble cat after all," cried Persia, and she wasn't talking to Fredcat .... Fredcat interrupted and said, "I think you had better go and apologise to Aspen. I am only glad that everything has turned out well". Mr. B. listened to all this with increasing impatience. "This is a complete fabrication," he stormed. "This story of yours is full of holes, it transcends belief. Out all hours and you come back with this load of idiocy which even a moron would find hard to credit. Definitely no supper - and certainly no extra treats for you this evening." Fredcat stared a long time at Mr. B. He was good at staring, he had once won a very important contest in that field. See The staring contest, July 13. At last he said in as clear a voice as he could muster, "Have you never slipped out at night when your parents weren't looking to do something you wouldn't normally be allowed to do?" Mr. B. looked at Fredcat but before the human could think up a suitable retort, Fredcat slipped upstairs to his comfortable bed. Oh dear, such goings on, what do you think of it all, gentle reader?
