Fredcat's Tails
Graduation Party
 Dr. Fredcat PhD, BA! |
Fredcat was at last hosting his very own Graduation Party. It had been a while since he'd been awarded his BA degree and between then and now all thoughts within the Fredcat residence had been more concerned with his health than with partying. "I'm enjoying this," he said to no one in particular, "A chance to show that I'm not just a pretty face!" "Oh, come now," said his best human friend, Cathie, "That's not fair, it's we girls who are supposed to make coy remarks like that. You males are all alike, full of yourselves. It's the ladies who have to be cosseted and comforted you know; we are delicate and need to be cared for. At least, that's what I've been told!" |
There were nods of agreement all around, at least from the distaff side. The few males in the room made noises which showed that they didn't readily appreciate Fredcat's boasting. Jealousy and male competitiveness were still alive and kicking, and the males in attendance were showing mixed emotions.
When Fredcat had first been awarded his BA degree he'd been very pleased, of course, but the coughing and sneezing fits to which he'd been subject had taken their toll on the Mighty One's frame, and even now he hadn't completely re-grown all the fur on his poor paw.
"What do you think, Bella?" Cathie asked, as she turned to look at herself in the mirror, rearranging her hair for the umpteenth time. "I think I should try wearing a wig," she went on, frowning, "I wonder if anyone would notice if I wore one into work? I do have several - including a rather splendid strawberry blonde one which Jane gave me. It makes me look altogether different. I'll go and put it on."
She was soon back and everyone gasped - Cathie did look different and Bella expressed her amazement that something so simple could transform a person so thoroughly. In the manner of human females the wig was tried on by others seated around the table, although Darlene declined, saying it would muss her own head of beautiful jet black hair which she'd spent some time getting just right for today's party.
Fredcat looked at Bootsie and they both managed a passable imitation of a wink. "Turning to loftier matters," Fredcat started, "I hope you all brought your own graduation certificates, we want to put on a show for when the photographer gets here." He moved to the table by the patio window and looked at the display of cards and certificates already arranged there. "I think it's a great idea to have everybody's achievements on display - it'll look good in the newspaper reports."
 Lucycat - aka Bootsie! |
"It is a splendid display," remarked Bootsie, "But now that you're a US citizen why don't you add your US passport to the items displayed? It would make it look even more impressive." But this suggestion only made the Mighty One frown. "Actually," he said slowly, looking meaningfully at Mr. B., "It appears I don't need one; we've been informed that only humans have them and they'll only issue a passport if you provide the US government with shedloads of cash - and someone ..." (and here he shot a glare in the Grumpy One's direction) "... someone says he has only enough to feed me standard eating fare without wasting cash on luxuries." Fredcat licked his lips at the thought of food and all the other felines reacted similarly. |
"OK, well, we could put some of the humans' passports on display," said Callie, "Nobody is going to look too closely at all these documents and it'll be interesting to see how UK and US passports compare. Say, Fredcat, why don't you go and get all the passports you can find and we'll add them to the collection."
"And then there's all the other certificates you've earned or otherwise obtained," said Bootsie, warming to the theme, "You surely have birth certificates, adoption certificates, US green cards - as well as special letters from important humans, say, like Royalty." Here he stopped, fearing perhaps he'd said too much, but Fredcat was pleased to be reminded of past glories even though currently he was still hors de combat.
"I don't have an adoption certificate," said Fredcat, "I decided to live here because Cathie was so nice. When I came here I renamed the house the Fredcat residence in my honour; it's a much more appropriate name." He pranced about a bit, exhibiting his famous hopping movement, jumping from left pair of paws to right pair of paws, to show he was pleased.
 Fastidious Weezer! |
Soon the sideboard was festooned with documents of all shapes and sizes. Weezer looked on from the corner. She'd found a recently opened saucer of cream in the kitchen (supposedly Fredcat's (!)) and she'd taken full advantage of it. The trouble was that her whiskers seemed just out of reach as she struggled to keep herself clean. She was normally a most fastidious feline and was trying to clean herself thoroughly, but somehow the cream stayed just out of reach. |
Cathie returned from the study, carrying her digital camera, "I know we've decided to have your photos done professionally," she said, "but I can't resist taking a quick snap of you on your own, Fredcat. And you know that I take most of your home photos for your diary entries so I'm quite good at it. So ... SMILE!" But Fredcat did what he always did when confronted with Cathie's camera and walked purposefully towards it, almost willing Cathie to desist. In the end all Cathie managed was a quick shot of all the certificates on the table, and a shot showing a bit of the famous Fredcat ginger tail in the air.
A sound from the other room drew everyone's attention. It was Joe, a friend of Bella's, playing the piano, thumping out a tune or three. The felines immediately trooped into the piano room and watched Joe for a minute until Fredcat leapt up and balanced gingerly on the instrument's sloping lid, peering down at the strings twanging below. That, of course, was the signal for all the felines to jump up and soon Joe was being besieged as cat after cat trod rapidly across the keys, producing a truly discordant racket. The noisiest of the cats started to meow loudly and this brought Cathie running into the room with an "Oi! Stop that, you lot! I can't hear myself think."
"Anyway," she continued, "You're all supposed to go to see our new neighbour next door for a celebration snack before the photographer arrives. Sophie has agreed to escort you over there; she hasn't a feline of her own but she likes all cats, so just you all be nice to her - and get cleaned up before you go!"
No sooner said than done. There was a scamper of brushing and grooming and soon fur was flying all over the place as lick-spittled cats fought for space to groom themselves before departure. Soon enough they all left, with the exception of Fred the Wonder cat (aka FW to his friends) and his friend Tiki who had curled themselves up together in the corner. They had had a long journey to get to the Fredcat residence and had eaten well along the way, so they stayed behind, doing what they liked best, snoozing.
All was now quiet in the Fredcat residence; noises off suggesting that Cathie and Mr. B. were busy in the kitchen, and occasionally one of them would pass quickly through the room, slightly disturbing the sleeping duo.
 Sleeping Beauties! |
Soon Fredcat returned, creeping into the room and, moving over to where FW was sleeping, poked him gently in the ribs, "Come on now, FW, or you'll miss everything if you carry on zizzing. The photographer has arrived and she wants us to get ready for the big photo shoot." In his turn, FW shook Tiki awake and the two of them prepared themselves for the photographer as the others trooped in, replete from the snack they'd had next door. Fredcat was in high spirits, which was unusual for him as he was normally a serious feline. Weezer was still trying, unsuccessfully, to clean up the cream from earlier and Callie was everywhere; jumping up and down with glee. Claudia on the other hand, simply looked on and purred softly. |
"All right, everyone, attention!" ordered Cathie, "May I first introduce Terri, our photographer for today, she's the best human friend of our sleeping beauties, FW and Tiki." At this she turned to the now blushing duo and everyone laughed. She continued, "For the first shot we need you all to gather round the table where the certificates are laid out." This request led to much jumping around as various felines rearranged their positions.
Indeed, Callie, somewhat forgetting her manners, leapt onto the table and knocked a number of the certificates off and onto the floor. "Oops!" she meowed, "Sorry!" She, Claudia and the others hastily scooped them back and started to rearrange them.
Fredcat peered at them and frowned. "Hey, hang on a minute!" he exclaimed, "There's something missing." Everyone stopped talking and looked carefully at the documents on top of the table. "My new BA certificate isn't here! It's gone! Someone, quick! Look on the floor to see if it's fallen behind the furniture."
A general melee ensued but there was no sign of the certificate. Cathie examined the table's contents once more to see if the document hadn't slipped behind another one of the certificates. "Oh, no!" she cried, "My passport! That's gone, too!" At this the noise in the room ceased. Humans and felines knew very well that a human passport was a very valuable document and humans took great care not to lose them.
"Hey, I have an idea - we can soon see what's missing by comparing the photograph Cathie took with what's left on the table," said Fredcat cleverly, "It'll make it so much easier."
After a long pause whilst he compared the two, Fredcat announced quietly, "All the passports, both British and American, have gone - as has my BA certificate."
There was a collective gasp. Fredcat continued, "I do hope this isn't a joke, these documents are very important." But no one spoke, though there were some uneasy shuffling movements as everyone started eyeing their neighbours. The inference was clear - someone at the party had been instrumental in taking the missing items, and they'd all thought up to now that everyone was a friend.
 Capricious Calli |
There was a gasp from Callie, who said loudly, "So Weezer is the one who's taken the passports!" She turned to Weezer who was furiously trying to rid herself of the remaining spot of cream. But with all eyes now on her, Weezer took the only realistic option and fled the room. |
There was a tangible relaxation of tension in the room as everyone started talking about Weezer and after a moment or two, Sophie, accompanied by Claudia, slipped out to talk to the much-discussed cat. She was there for some while. On their return, Claudia said, in a soft voice, "Weezer is adamant that she has nothing to do with this. She admits that she went over to the table to look at the certificates and passports - but that was all. The cream must have come off her fur onto the table, which is where it was when Bella noticed it."
"You know, I think that's probably true," admitted Fredcat, "But, wait a minute, during all the hoohah when everyone was milling around the table in preparation for the photographs being taken, there were two constants through all of that ..." This time, all eyes turned towards the Sleeping Beauties, who blinked at the sudden attention.
But this time the outcome was different. FW spoke first, "You know, although I was sleeping, I wasn't sleeping that soundly all the time, what with humans and possibly the occasional cat coming into and out of the room from time to time. To be honest they were all very discreet and very quiet. But I thought I noticed someone with ginger hair near the table. I can't be sure, but I don't think it was Weezer."
There was silence again as all present absorbed this new piece of information. In particular, all those with ginger hair began to feel threatened. These revelations were very upsetting.
 Considerate Claudia! |
He coughed, "But we have one clue which needs to be followed up." He turned to Callie, and said in a quiet voice, "When you thought that Weezer had taken the passports, you didn't refer to the passports and my BA certificate, you only mentioned the passports. You thought that someone else was after the passports - but not my BA certificate. Now why was that? I suspect that your only action, if that what it was, was to remove my BA certificate for some reason or another," said Fredcat, "You and Bootsie were obviously in it together and getting the humans to agree to put their passports on display on the table was very clever - although it wasn't your plan, was it?"
"Gulp!" went Callie, and "Gulp!" went Bootsie in unison. It was Bootsie who replied, with a break in her voice, "We were trying to give you a surprise, Fredcat. He told us that if we gave him the BA certificate he would frame it wonderfully, it would take but a few moments and it would look smashing on the wall of your famous residence."
"But when we saw that the passports had been taken as well, we were scared," added Callie, "We were too frightened to speak up in case everyone thought that we had taken the passports."
"The "he" in question is, of course, Joe," said Fredcat, "It was Joe who created a diversion by playing the piano to attract you all into the other room, and it was Callie who mussed up the display in the hope of distracting attention from the fact that some items were found to be missing from the table. You've been waiting for Joe to return with the nicely framed BA certificate, but I think you'll wait a long time for that to happen."
 Crimesolver Fredcat! |
"I'm not so sure about that," said Fredcat, "but I have to tell you that Miss Sophie is our security guru and we'll be sending her off to chase down Mister Joe immediately." |
Later Fredcat was rewarded when he saw Joe being marched back into the Fredcat residence by two policemen, accompanied by Sophie. On entering the Fredcat residence, Sophie announced that she was pleased to say that the gang leader (Joe) had been caught; he'd been dealing in stolen passports for some time and although the police had been on his track he'd proved to be elusive.
"The worrying thing is that we expected to find the stolen goods on him - but he didn't have them," she explained, "He's been protesting his innocence ever since we picked him up. We've looked in his music case as the obvious place to hide the passports, but no joy. He must have dumped them when he suspected that he was being chased. We'll never be able to hold him now or find the documents; I'm afraid we're a bit stumped."
Nevertheless Fredcat and the others were pleased to know just what had happened and Inspector Sophie (her correct title could now be revealed) was subjected to numerous questions about the trade in stolen passports. Fredcat watched it all with a distracted air. Was there something he'd forgotten perhaps? And then it came to him.
"Of course!" he exclaimed, "I bet I know where the passports are." Everyone looked at him in amazement - how could Fredcat know exactly where the passports were, or where they had been dumped during a car journey? A car journey in which he wasn't involved (for everyone knew he hated riding in cars).
He turned to Bella, "I've just realised who's been the driving force behind this scheme; it was you who suggested getting the passports down in the first place, and it was you who was eager to pin the blame on Weezer, and it was you who was eager to agree that Joe might have dumped the passports at some point in his journey. The plain fact is that the passports and my BA certificate were probably here in your possession all the time. They're valuable documents when sold on the black market and there are many folk around who would pay handsomely for legal documents they could use for nefarious purposes."
It didn't take long to prove Fredcat right (of course) and soon the passports were back where they belonged, leaving Bootsie and Callie both highly relieved moggies, both fervently promising to finish the job of framing the Famous One's BA certificate.
"What is galling," said Fredcat, as everyone settled down, "was that Bella was prepared to sell out her gang leader, Joe, and slip off without a moment's thought. Some humans are very despicable, when it comes to the crunch. We felines are very noble, we would never do anything like that."
Fredcat turned to Mr. B. and said in his most disarming manner, "Well, after all that excitement, you do realise that we've missed several meals already and we all would certainly appreciate something rather special on the food front. This is a party, after all!" He smiled, showing the gaps where three front teeth had once been (the result of an earlier adventure). The others looked on expectantly.
Mr. B. examined the Fredcat face, carefully looking for signs of a tricky grin, but found none. He knew that Fredcat was a teller of tall tales but this was a bit rich - even for Fredcat.
"Look here, my friend," he started, "These felines that you malign in these tales of yours, are all wonderful creatures; Bootsie and Callie are charming honest cats who would never get mixed up in the nonsense you've just been spouting and Weezer is a fastidious cat who would never allow herself to be caught with cream on her face - and she wouldn't mess up the table either without cleaning it up."
"These cats are all great cats, but you, you take the biscuit for wild story telling, just for the sake of an extra helping of food. Well, my lad, there'll be no extra grub in the Fredcat feeding bowl today, this tale-telling of yours is simply a ploy to get out of cleaning up your round beds, so just hop it." Mr. B. clearly knew when he was being conned.
But as usual he reckoned without Cathie, who swept Fredcat into her arms whilst simultaneously scolding Mr. B., saying things like, "He's such a dear," and "He's my favourite cat" (favourite cat out of one cat, noted Mr. B. sarcastically), but that was it. Within minutes Mr. B. found himself supplying half the feline neigbourhood with fresh tuna on clean plates and beef chunks in brand new bowls whilst Fredcat smiled from the safety of Cathie's arms knowing that he had put one past the Grumpy One yet again. No change there, then!